BaileyB Posted July 9, 2021 Share Posted July 9, 2021 5 hours ago, Scotgirl84 said: he’s terrified to take the leap and walk from the marriage cos the destruction he will leave behind. What destruction? Seriously? You’ve said that they are both very unhappy. You’ve managed to divorce your husband and end your unhappy marriage, would you say that your divorce has left destruction for yourself and your children? Or, have you deal with it and moved on with your lives? In much the same way that he will… Seriously, why the need to catastrophize? Separation and divorce happens every day. If he told her tomorrow that he wanted a divorce, she would deal with it. Just like everyone else… 2 Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted July 9, 2021 Share Posted July 9, 2021 1 hour ago, BaileyB said: What destruction? Seriously? The below was mentioned at the start of the thread. Actually leaving is always easier thought and said than done unless (or sometimes even if) the relationship is a complete and utter trainwreck. The prospect of possibly having his kids feel and act he abandoned his wife may indeed be difficult for him. And some personality types have a harder time leaving a relationship than others. And he's quite possibly co-dependent with her. Things like this could be exactly why he turned to an affair rather than simply leave. Or it could all be baloney. There is always that possibility. There are never guarantees. Of course that's true with anyone, even someone with a "clean slate". Plenty of pumper-and-dumpers out there in dating world apparently. On 4/29/2021 at 12:59 AM, Scotgirl84 said: He told me he loved me he has not been sleeping with his wife for years due to her being unwell years ago ... He’s basically her carer runs after her ass and does everything just to keep the peace. He wants to leave he says but can’t because he doesn’t want to be the big bad person says he wishes she would just leave him as she’s no happy either. he’s 51 and I’m 37 so his kids are grown up but he still doesn’t want them to hate him. Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted July 9, 2021 Share Posted July 9, 2021 2 hours ago, BaileyB said: It’s been 20 months and he is still sleeping beside his wife. Sure, but it started as an affair, probably not promises to leave specifically for her. At any rate, trying to rush him out has (IMO) a good chance of backfiring and 3-4 months is NOT that long if she wants to try to "play for keeps". If she really wants him, she should offer him an emotionally safe landing, or at least the prospect of one. But not forever. He might stay put anyway, I'm not sure I'd be eager to put money on it either way. But I stand by what I posted before as IMO her best shot. I think the question of why she has to jump into another probably dysfunctional relationship right after leaving her current one is the bigger issue. There's nothing wrong with being on your own for a while after a divorce, and I think there's probably a lot RIGHT about it from an emotional perspective. She hasn't fully cleared the old partner out of her system and is already dealing with the issues of a new one. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted July 9, 2021 Share Posted July 9, 2021 5 minutes ago, mark clemson said: The prospect of possibly having his kids feel and act he abandoned his wife may indeed be difficult for him. I understand what you are saying Mark, but I have a difficult time buying it. My friend’s mother suffered a near fatal stroke that left her permanently disabled. Her husband had an affair with the woman they hired to be a rehab assistant for his wife. He left his wife, and the family was devastated. They owned a business together, the divorce was contentious and dragged on for years… In the end, everyone lived happily ever after. Her mother bought her own home and a cabin at the lake. Her father had a relationship with the other woman for years until they too split. The kids were very unhappy at first, but they dealt with it. The man has a relationship with his kid and his grandchildren. Life goes on… They have worked, travelled, married, divorced, raised children, etc… Of course it’s difficult. But, people get divorced everyday. His kids are grown, their mother has apparently recovered from her surgery… I’m sure they are quite codependent and he is apparently having a very difficult time dealing with the thought that he could be considered “the bad guy…” but, at what cost? Or, as you say, maybe no cost. Perhaps he is where he is because it is exactly where he wants to be - “unhappily” married with no desire to change that. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted July 9, 2021 Share Posted July 9, 2021 4 minutes ago, mark clemson said: I think the question of why she has to jump into another probably dysfunctional relationship right after leaving her current one is the bigger issue. Absolutely agree. 5 minutes ago, mark clemson said: There's nothing wrong with being on your own for a while after a divorce, and I think there's probably a lot RIGHT about it from an emotional perspective. The same could be said for both of them. I would not be offering him a safe emotional landing. I don’t think that’s fair to her, he would essentially go from one codependent relationship to another. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted July 9, 2021 Share Posted July 9, 2021 10 hours ago, BaileyB said: I understand what you are saying Mark, but I have a difficult time buying it. ... Perhaps he is where he is because it is exactly where he wants to be - “unhappily” married with no desire to change that. Yes, of course that's possible. But 3-4 add'l months isn't such a huge price to pay to find that out for a woman who's in the process of divorcing anyhow and so probably has little need to be starting anything new just yet. 10 hours ago, BaileyB said: Absolutely agree. The same could be said for both of them. I would not be offering him a safe emotional landing. I don’t think that’s fair to her, he would essentially go from one codependent relationship to another. Well - ultimately that's their choice to make. Scotgirl seems to want options, so I'm providing what she seems to be asking for. You may not think it's "what's best" (and I may not either, actually) but again, it's her decision, so I'm giving the advice she seems to want (as I am able), rather than deciding for her what she shouldn't receive. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Scotgirl84 Posted July 9, 2021 Author Share Posted July 9, 2021 3 hours ago, mark clemson said: Yes, of course that's possible. But 3-4 add'l months isn't such a huge price to pay to find that out for a woman who's in the process of divorcing anyhow and so probably has little need to be starting anything new just yet. Well - ultimately that's their choice to make. Scotgirl seems to want options, so I'm providing what she seems to be asking for. You may not think it's "what's best" (and I may not either, actually) but again, it's her decision, so I'm giving the advice she seems to want (as I am able), rather than deciding for her what she shouldn't receive. Thanks mark appreciate your advice. I’m wondering if I should say to him I’ll take a break for him just now and let him go sort stuff out whilst I’m not on the scene? I’m scared to push him away though and push him into it but? What’s your thoughts? Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted July 9, 2021 Share Posted July 9, 2021 Hmm. I think he would read this as indication of your "commitment" wavering. So it's going to decrease changes of him ending up with you (slightly) in that sense by making him less confident that you are a safe landing spot for him if he leaves. That said: (A) do what you feel you need to do for YOU, and (B) do you really want to be with a man who "needs" a safe landing spot emotionally, rather than being independent Despite those valid points to consider, my thought about his reaction is as first stated. He will (IMO) become slightly less confident in you and therefore a bit less likely to leave. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Scotgirl84 Posted July 9, 2021 Author Share Posted July 9, 2021 23 minutes ago, mark clemson said: Hmm. I think he would read this as indication of your "commitment" wavering. So it's going to decrease changes of him ending up with you (slightly) in that sense by making him less confident that you are a safe landing spot for him if he leaves. That said: (A) do what you feel you need to do for YOU, and (B) do you really want to be with a man who "needs" a safe landing spot emotionally, rather than being independent Despite those valid points to consider, my thought about his reaction is as first stated. He will (IMO) become slightly less confident in you and therefore a bit less likely to leave. So just continue seeing him and give him the time he said he wanted to sort it? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Scotgirl84 Posted July 9, 2021 Author Share Posted July 9, 2021 Just now, Scotgirl84 said: So just continue seeing him and give him the time he said he wanted to sort it? Ultimately I want him so if it means I need to be patient as you said I’ve just separated from my other half it’s no even final yet so I’ve got a lot of sorting with that too Link to post Share on other sites
Author Scotgirl84 Posted July 9, 2021 Author Share Posted July 9, 2021 25 minutes ago, mark clemson said: Hmm. I think he would read this as indication of your "commitment" wavering. So it's going to decrease changes of him ending up with you (slightly) in that sense by making him less confident that you are a safe landing spot for him if he leaves. That said: (A) do what you feel you need to do for YOU, and (B) do you really want to be with a man who "needs" a safe landing spot emotionally, rather than being independent Despite those valid points to consider, my thought about his reaction is as first stated. He will (IMO) become slightly less confident in you and therefore a bit less likely to leave. I really feel for him as I know how hard it is I was mega struggling telling my other half I wasn’t in love with him anymore and he’s gutted so still holding hope I think it’s just no nice hurting someone you loved and care for but I’m in love with someone else and can’t stop thinking about him Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted July 9, 2021 Share Posted July 9, 2021 39 minutes ago, Scotgirl84 said: Thanks mark appreciate your advice. I’m wondering if I should say to him I’ll take a break for him just now and let him go sort stuff out whilst I’m not on the scene? I thought you had already done that to no avail? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted July 9, 2021 Share Posted July 9, 2021 (edited) 1 hour ago, Scotgirl84 said: Ultimately I want him so if it means I need to be patient as you said I’ve just separated from my other half it’s no even final yet so I’ve got a lot of sorting with that too Think you said it right there. Absolutely no guarantees it will work, but IF this is really what you want I think that's your best chance. Just make sure not to let the timeline stretch out TOO much. At some point (e.g. in 3-4 months or so) I'd say pressure him to get it in gear and be ready to cut bait when he doesn't (which is likely if he isn't mostly out by then). That's when you need to show some spine and walk if things aren't happening. You gave him a real shot at getting out with you there to receive him and he didn't. At that point (IMO) you set a strict timeline and walk away when he doesn't meet it. Edited July 9, 2021 by mark clemson Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted July 9, 2021 Share Posted July 9, 2021 On 7/8/2021 at 9:15 PM, Scotgirl84 said: Got to cut him some slack surely Yes, cut this philanderer some slack for lacklustre and unproductive philandering. Philanderin' ain't easy. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Scotgirl84 Posted July 9, 2021 Author Share Posted July 9, 2021 8 hours ago, mark clemson said: Yes, of course that's possible. But 3-4 add'l months isn't such a huge price to pay to find that out for a woman who's in the process of divorcing anyhow and so probably has little need to be starting anything new just yet. Well - ultimately that's their choice to make. Scotgirl seems to want options, so I'm providing what she seems to be asking for. You may not think it's "what's best" (and I may not either, actually) but again, it's her decision, so I'm giving the advice she seems to want (as I am able), rather than deciding for her what she shouldn't receive. Told him I love him and want to be with him told him if I need to step back to give him space and hope he chooses me I will. He said hw understands cos seeing me everyday right now is making the other miserable hours at home bearable so he knows he will realise what he’s missing and knows he has to deal with it to be happy Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted July 9, 2021 Share Posted July 9, 2021 1 minute ago, Scotgirl84 said: Told him I love him and want to be with him told him if I need to step back to give him space and hope he chooses me I will. He said hw understands cos seeing me everyday right now is making the other miserable hours at home bearable so he knows he will realise what he’s missing and knows he has to deal with it to be happy More nonsense, as if he doesn't know how "miserable" he is... This guy is full of cow manure and you hang on his every word... He is kicking the can down the road. Last time you could not keep up not seeing him, so I guess he is banking on you doing the same again. He has you by the short and curlies... 3 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted July 9, 2021 Share Posted July 9, 2021 (edited) 2 minutes ago, elaine567 said: Last time you could not keep up not seeing him, so I guess he is banking on you doing the same again. This. That said, I hope you have the courage and strength to walk away. If he is truly miserable in his marriage without you filling the gaps, he needs to do something about it. He will never do that if you keep filling the gaps, making the miserable more bearable… Edited July 9, 2021 by BaileyB 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Scotgirl84 Posted July 9, 2021 Author Share Posted July 9, 2021 1 hour ago, BaileyB said: This. That said, I hope you have the courage and strength to walk away. If he is truly miserable in his marriage without you filling the gaps, he needs to do something about it. He will never do that if you keep filling the gaps, making the miserable more bearable… I know and he agreed. Think if I step back then that’s the only way I will find out for sure Link to post Share on other sites
Seliana Posted July 9, 2021 Share Posted July 9, 2021 1 hour ago, BaileyB said: This. That said, I hope you have the courage and strength to walk away. If he is truly miserable in his marriage without you filling the gaps, he needs to do something about it. He will never do that if you keep filling the gaps, making the miserable more bearable… This man sounds like an albatross. You two might end up in exactly the same kind of relationships you blew up. Lost cause. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted July 10, 2021 Share Posted July 10, 2021 8 hours ago, Seliana said: You two might end up in exactly the same kind of relationships you blew up. Lost cause. I agree, and this is what OP is not getting. The likelihood that they will have a neat and tidy relationship if he walks away from his marriage is just about nil. My prediction is that if he happens to leave and come to you, OP, he will not stay. He will go back to his wife. She won't just be cast out of his life. He will call her, he will check on her. He will probably visit her. He will be "confused." He will feel "obligated" to take care of her. You will not have this man all to yourself. You are absolutely fooling yourself if you think things will be resolved and finalized with their marriage if he walks away. That is not where this drama all ends. Not by a long shot. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted July 10, 2021 Share Posted July 10, 2021 Has the sex improved any? You said it was infrequent and mostly involved fumbles in cars... Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted July 10, 2021 Share Posted July 10, 2021 8 hours ago, Seliana said: This man sounds like an albatross. You two might end up in exactly the same kind of relationships you blew up. Lost cause. ^^^ this is a very good point and may be exactly why he is stalling. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted July 10, 2021 Share Posted July 10, 2021 16 hours ago, Scotgirl84 said: Told him I love him and want to be with him told him if I need to step back to give him space and hope he chooses me I will. He said hw understands cos seeing me everyday right now is making the other miserable hours at home bearable so he knows he will realise what he’s missing and knows he has to deal with it to be happy I guess that may work. How you present these "moves" can matter a lot. Others are making some rather valid points above, but - well, it's your life. I should add that since you probably have a lawyer around for your divorce, suggest you make sure you can't be sued if an affair "causes" a divorce in your jurisdiction. The AP can be sued in just a few US jurisdictions if there is a divorce (known as "alienation of affection"). You probably want to make sure that kind of lawsuit isn't allowed in your jurisdiction in case . 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Scotgirl84 Posted July 10, 2021 Author Share Posted July 10, 2021 1 hour ago, mark clemson said: I guess that may work. How you present these "moves" can matter a lot. Others are making some rather valid points above, but - well, it's your life. I should add that since you probably have a lawyer around for your divorce, suggest you make sure you can't be sued if an affair "causes" a divorce in your jurisdiction. The AP can be sued in just a few US jurisdictions if there is a divorce (known as "alienation of affection"). You probably want to make sure that kind of lawsuit isn't allowed in your jurisdiction in case . I’m not at the stage of a divorce right now still separating tbh. I don’t know what else to do I’m thinking if I give him space to sort his life out he will miss me and come get me Link to post Share on other sites
Author Scotgirl84 Posted July 10, 2021 Author Share Posted July 10, 2021 7 hours ago, elaine567 said: Has the sex improved any? You said it was infrequent and mostly involved fumbles in cars... Yeah it has improved as we have had space alone to spend time together that’s why we’ve fallen deeper in love 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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