Author Scotgirl84 Posted July 10, 2021 Author Share Posted July 10, 2021 7 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said: I agree, and this is what OP is not getting. The likelihood that they will have a neat and tidy relationship if he walks away from his marriage is just about nil. My prediction is that if he happens to leave and come to you, OP, he will not stay. He will go back to his wife. She won't just be cast out of his life. He will call her, he will check on her. He will probably visit her. He will be "confused." He will feel "obligated" to take care of her. You will not have this man all to yourself. You are absolutely fooling yourself if you think things will be resolved and finalized with their marriage if he walks away. That is not where this drama all ends. Not by a long shot. I know that and I will support him for a while. People do these things all the time who doesn’t have baggage. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted July 10, 2021 Share Posted July 10, 2021 (edited) 28 minutes ago, Scotgirl84 said: I know that and I will support him for a while. No, but you are not understanding what expat is saying… That is also my prediction, if he does actually muster the courage to leave his wife, he will come to you - for a while. And then, he will return home. And then, he may try to stay in contact with you, he could waffle back and forth for the indefinite future… all the signs are there. He has a very codependent relationship with his wife, and he is worried about how he will be perceived by his children if he leaves their mother (one critical word from his child and it will cause him to reconsider and perhaps, flee home). You don’t think it will happen - read some posts by snakesalive. He is also very conflict avoidant - as evidenced by the fact that he is waiting for his wife to break up with him. So, he’s going to waffle back and forth because he doesn’t want to hurt either woman or his kids… al the while telling his tale of woe. This drama and this pain could continue for years… It’s not a question of whether you will support him while he makes this difficult decision. The question is - will you invest and support him, only to have your hopes dashed when he decides he can not stay with you, he misses his family and he can’t leave them? Edited July 10, 2021 by BaileyB 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Scotgirl84 Posted July 10, 2021 Author Share Posted July 10, 2021 1 hour ago, BaileyB said: No, but you are not understanding what expat is saying… That is also my prediction, if he does actually muster the courage to leave his wife, he will come to you - for a while. And then, he will return home. And then, he may try to stay in contact with you, he could waffle back and forth for the indefinite future… all the signs are there. He has a very codependent relationship with his wife, and he is worried about how he will be perceived by his children if he leaves their mother (one critical word from his child and it will cause him to reconsider and perhaps, flee home). You don’t think it will happen - read some posts by snakesalive. He is also very conflict avoidant - as evidenced by the fact that he is waiting for his wife to break up with him. So, he’s going to waffle back and forth because he doesn’t want to hurt either woman or his kids… al the while telling his tale of woe. This drama and this pain could continue for years… It’s not a question of whether you will support him while he makes this difficult decision. The question is - will you invest and support him, only to have your hopes dashed when he decides he can not stay with you, he misses his family and he can’t leave them? I know I’m totally gutted at that prospect tbh but I’m so in love with him I’m holding onto hope honestly. We’ve got something special here we both know it it’s just difficult situation Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted July 10, 2021 Share Posted July 10, 2021 1 hour ago, Scotgirl84 said: I’m not at the stage of a divorce right now still separating tbh. What’s your end game here, OP. Let’s kick the can down the road a little bit… I’m curious to know what you would have thought if you were a child and your parent divorced your father and jumped into another relationship immediately? Would you have been pleased? What would you have thought about the decisions your parent is making and the direction she was taking your family… He is still married, you are separated but not divorced. Obviously, your children don’t know the whole story here but let’s say he leaves - then what? Will he establish his own home or move in with you? Do you think he has the confidence in his decision and the commitment to leave his wife and establish his own home, to feel lonely and grieve the loss of his family life? Of, so you think that he would waver and want to return home - would your insecurity cause you to want to bring him into your home? If he did move in with you, which I’m sure would be very tempting for both of you, how do you predict your children would deal with that? Is that a fair thing to ask them to deal with - their mother has just separated from their father and now she has moved a man into the home that she has never actually “dated.” A man who, is a HUGE flight risk - could decide to return home to his wife at any moment. And what would your children think if that happened? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Scotgirl84 Posted July 10, 2021 Author Share Posted July 10, 2021 7 minutes ago, BaileyB said: What’s your end game here, OP. Let’s kick the can down the road a little bit… I’m curious to know what you would have thought if you were a child and your parent divorced your father and jumped into another relationship immediately? Would you have been pleased? What would you have thought about the decisions your parent is making and the direction she was taking your family… He is still married, you are separated but not divorced. Obviously, your children don’t know the whole story here but let’s say he leaves - then what? Will he establish his own home or move in with you? Do you think he has the confidence in his decision and the commitment to leave his wife and establish his own home, to feel lonely and grieve the loss of his family life? Of, so you think that he would waver and want to return home - would your insecurity cause you to want to bring him into your home? If he did move in with you, which I’m sure would be very tempting for both of you, how do you predict your children would deal with that? Is that a fair thing to ask them to deal with - their mother has just separated from their father and now she has moved a man into the home that she has never actually “dated.” A man who, is a HUGE flight risk - could decide to return home to his wife at any moment. And what would your children think if that happened? I get what you are saying and I wouldn’t move him in ASAP we would take it slow and careful and tbh I don’t know what else to say what do I do if I’m in love with him?? He will be good influence on my kids he’s met them loads as my friend they like him. People do this all the time so why can’t it work for us? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Scotgirl84 Posted July 10, 2021 Author Share Posted July 10, 2021 Just now, Scotgirl84 said: I get what you are saying and I wouldn’t move him in ASAP we would take it slow and careful and tbh I don’t know what else to say what do I do if I’m in love with him?? He will be good influence on my kids he’s met them loads as my friend they like him. People do this all the time so why can’t it work for us? So much negativity honestly I get yous have been hurt and I know these situations aren’t ideal but what if me and him have genuinely fell in love and we want to be with each other there’s just hurdles to overcome every relationship comes with it’s baggage and tests Link to post Share on other sites
Author Scotgirl84 Posted July 10, 2021 Author Share Posted July 10, 2021 Just now, Scotgirl84 said: So much negativity honestly I get yous have been hurt and I know these situations aren’t ideal but what if me and him have genuinely fell in love and we want to be with each other there’s just hurdles to overcome every relationship comes with it’s baggage and tests What should I do??? Cut my tied completely and be so miserable and heartbroken without him in my life? Go back to my husband and try make it work for the kids? I’m so so upset cos I don’t want to be that person but can’t help how my heart feels Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted July 10, 2021 Share Posted July 10, 2021 (edited) 25 minutes ago, Scotgirl84 said: What should I do??? In 33 pages of advice, you still have no idea? You know exactly what you should do. You have nobody to blame but yourself if you won't do it, so I am not sure what advice you're looking for that has not already been repeated multiple times since you started this thread. I have to say with all due respect some of the questions you ask are very child-like. Naive in nature. They sound like they're coming from a much younger person with limited relationship experience. Had you dated much before you got married? Edited July 10, 2021 by ExpatInItaly 6 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted July 10, 2021 Share Posted July 10, 2021 (edited) 38 minutes ago, Scotgirl84 said: He will be good influence on my kids he’s met them loads as my friend they like him. How will they feel when he decides to return home to his family? Remember, your gambling not only with your own heart, but the hearts of three little people who depend on you and look to you to lead them in this world. 38 minutes ago, Scotgirl84 said: what do I do if I’m in love with him?? I will answer this with a question - what’s your first priority? Your children?or your relationship? The answer to that question will determine what you decide to do… 38 minutes ago, Scotgirl84 said: People do this all the time so why can’t it work for us? You realize that the statistics are not in your favor - right? Second marriages fail much more often than first marriages. And second marriages born out of an affair have a decidedly abysmal success rate because there is so much baggage, so many things stacked against them… So, while people get divorced and find new relationships/blend families everyday - most people don’t involve themselves in a serious relationship while still married to another. Most people don’t have to give their partner and ultimatum (leave your wife) to be with them. Most people take the time to date and really get to know their partner before going all-into a relationship. Most people would not think of introducing their affair partner to their children. Most people with children would not even think about moving their affair partner into their home before the ink is dry on not only his divorce papers, but also your own. Do you see what I’m saying here? Sure, people do it all the time but very few people involve themselves with a married man and then successfully turn that into a happily ever after/blended family. Edited July 10, 2021 by BaileyB 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted July 10, 2021 Share Posted July 10, 2021 (edited) 1 hour ago, Scotgirl84 said: What should I do??? Cut my tied completely and be so miserable and heartbroken without him in my life? Go back to my husband and try make it work for the kids? I’m so so upset cos I don’t want to be that person but can’t help how my heart feels How about find a way to stand on your own and support your children during the divorce. If it’s meant to be, you will come together with divorce papers in hand. The sheer desperation with which you speak about the possible end of this relationship tells me that you will not be able to allow him the space to live independently and establish himself if he was to divorce. He will not have the conviction to do it - he may want to leave now but nothing he has done has shown us that he has the courage of his convictions. And, your desperation and insecurity about the relationship will necessitate your decision to move him into your home… to secure the relationship. And, your children will have to deal with the fact that their family home is broken and now mom has moved another man into our home. Further that, if he waffles and decides to return to his wife - your children will have formed an attachment to a man who has left them. That’s on you. Put yourself in their position, how would you feel and what would you think about your parent if that was to happen? Scot, I don’t mean to be a negative nelly - I’m just trying to get you to look at this situation realistically. I’m trying to get you to consider the situation from your children’s point of view. Your kids may be very hurt if this man took the time to form an attachment and then left. Your kids may already be wondering why my parents divorced and if it was my fault… I may then be wondering what I did to cause this other man to leave our family. And, if I was older… I would be seriously disappointed that my mother chose to invest in a relationship that caused so much upheaval for my family. Your kids may even be angry. Kids know when a woman puts a man before her kids. It could change your relationship with your children - forever. There is much more to consider here then whether you are in love with this man and whether he will find the strength to leave his wife when pressured by your ultimatum. Men will come and go from your life, your children are forever. Edited July 10, 2021 by BaileyB 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Scotgirl84 Posted July 10, 2021 Author Share Posted July 10, 2021 4 hours ago, BaileyB said: How about find a way to stand on your own and support your children during the divorce. If it’s meant to be, you will come together with divorce papers in hand. The sheer desperation with which you speak about the possible end of this relationship tells me that you will not be able to allow him the space to live independently and establish himself if he was to divorce. He will not have the conviction to do it - he may want to leave now but nothing he has done has shown us that he has the courage of his convictions. And, your desperation and insecurity about the relationship will necessitate your decision to move him into your home… to secure the relationship. And, your children will have to deal with the fact that their family home is broken and now mom has moved another man into our home. Further that, if he waffles and decides to return to his wife - your children will have formed an attachment to a man who has left them. That’s on you. Put yourself in their position, how would you feel and what would you think about your parent if that was to happen? Scot, I don’t mean to be a negative nelly - I’m just trying to get you to look at this situation realistically. I’m trying to get you to consider the situation from your children’s point of view. Your kids may be very hurt if this man took the time to form an attachment and then left. Your kids may already be wondering why my parents divorced and if it was my fault… I may then be wondering what I did to cause this other man to leave our family. And, if I was older… I would be seriously disappointed that my mother chose to invest in a relationship that caused so much upheaval for my family. Your kids may even be angry. Kids know when a woman puts a man before her kids. It could change your relationship with your children - forever. There is much more to consider here then whether you are in love with this man and whether he will find the strength to leave his wife when pressured by your ultimatum. Men will come and go from your life, your children are forever. I know what yous are saying I understand but why would he be meeting me with my kids if he wasn’t wanting something long term? What could he gain from this? Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted July 10, 2021 Share Posted July 10, 2021 18 minutes ago, Scotgirl84 said: I know what yous are saying I understand but why would he be meeting me with my kids if he wasn’t wanting something long term? What could he gain from this? That’s a really good question. I would kindly say - it’s not about what he wants but about when he is able to offer. As a married man, he is not able to offer you or your children anything long term. He is otherwise obligated to his wife and his children. To believe otherwise is as this point, a fantasy… 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted July 11, 2021 Share Posted July 11, 2021 10 hours ago, Scotgirl84 said: I’m not at the stage of a divorce right now still separating tbh. I don’t know what else to do I’m thinking if I give him space to sort his life out he will miss me and come get me Fair enough. May work, may not. Link to post Share on other sites
Seliana Posted July 11, 2021 Share Posted July 11, 2021 12 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said: In 33 pages of advice, you still have no idea? You know exactly what you should do. You have nobody to blame but yourself if you won't do it, so I am not sure what advice you're looking for that has not already been repeated multiple times since you started this thread. I have to say with all due respect some of the questions you ask are very child-like. Naive in nature. They sound like they're coming from a much younger person with limited relationship experience. Had you dated much before you got married? That's why I said lost cause. I was referring to OP. Some people need to burn to learn, she's one of them. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Myabee Posted July 11, 2021 Share Posted July 11, 2021 On 7/10/2021 at 1:26 PM, Scotgirl84 said: So much negativity honestly I get yous have been hurt and I know these situations aren’t ideal but what if me and him have genuinely fell in love and we want to be with each other there’s just hurdles to overcome every relationship comes with it’s baggage and tests I'm sorry but you are in the middle of delusion here. Conflict avoidant men are not healthy men to be involved with. You might want to read about conflict avoidance as I was recently involved with a person like this and this forum opened my eyes that he would never leave. 9 times out of 10 they don't. Do you wish to be a side dish? Because that's what you are. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted July 11, 2021 Share Posted July 11, 2021 On 7/10/2021 at 6:26 PM, Scotgirl84 said: So much negativity honestly I get yous have been hurt and I know these situations aren’t ideal but what if me and him have genuinely fell in love and we want to be with each other there’s just hurdles to overcome every relationship comes with it’s baggage and tests Sad to say you are not alone in thinking this way, everybody's affair is different, everybody is in love, everybody thinks they are special, everybody believes their man will leave his "dreadful" wife for them... that is until he doesn't and then he starts the excuse trail, he WILL leave, only not quite yet... repeat ad infinitum. You already tried the emotional blackmail route, did he leave rather than lose you? Um... no... Wake up! 5 Link to post Share on other sites
PhoenixRising8 Posted July 12, 2021 Share Posted July 12, 2021 On 7/10/2021 at 6:26 PM, Scotgirl84 said: I know what yous are saying I understand but why would he be meeting me with my kids if he wasn’t wanting something long term? What could he gain from this? It is no skin off his back to meet your kids. He loses nothing, makes no promises to them. He's just meeting them. It's not HIS responsibility to ensure their physical and mental well being. That is YOUR job. Meeting them and spending time with them does not obligate him to something enduring. Heck, his marriage vows didn't do that, why would meeting your kids? Mental health professional will tell you it is NOT a good idea to introduce potential partners to your kids until you have a fair degree of certainty and security that your partner will stick around for the long haul. It is never a good idea to parade potential partners in and out of kids lives. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
PhoenixRising8 Posted July 12, 2021 Share Posted July 12, 2021 On 7/10/2021 at 1:26 PM, Scotgirl84 said: what if me and him have genuinely fell in love and we want to be with each other there’s just hurdles to overcome every relationship comes with it’s baggage and tests Been there, done that, bought the t-shirt. You are clearly invested and this holds true for you but would you bet everything on him feeling the same way and prepared to do what it takes to make your dreams come true? I doubt it because if you were that certain, that confident, that sure, you wouldn't be in this forum .... 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Daisydooks Posted July 13, 2021 Share Posted July 13, 2021 On 7/10/2021 at 1:27 PM, Scotgirl84 said: What should I do??? Cut my tied completely and be so miserable and heartbroken without him in my life? Go back to my husband and try make it work for the kids? I’m so so upset cos I don’t want to be that person but can’t help how my heart feels Or you could just be single ffs. Why are your only options A) be miserable with your husband or B) Ruin lives? 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Scotgirl84 Posted July 13, 2021 Author Share Posted July 13, 2021 3 hours ago, Daisydooks said: Or you could just be single ffs. Why are your only options A) be miserable with your husband or B) Ruin lives? True story Link to post Share on other sites
Author Scotgirl84 Posted July 16, 2021 Author Share Posted July 16, 2021 On 7/14/2021 at 12:53 AM, Scotgirl84 said: True story Update I’m taking this advice. I’ve had enough!!! I’ve broke it off with mm. I’m not a mug and that’s the way he’s treating me basically asked him if he sees me in his future he couldn’t answer so I left his car! That’s a good enough response for me. He can continue on his miserable marriage. I now know my worth penny has dropped after all these months! 4 Link to post Share on other sites
mimic2021 Posted July 16, 2021 Share Posted July 16, 2021 (edited) 1 hour ago, Scotgirl84 said: Update I’m taking this advice. I’ve had enough!!! I’ve broke it off with mm. I’m not a mug and that’s the way he’s treating me basically asked him if he sees me in his future he couldn’t answer so I left his car! That’s a good enough response for me. He can continue on his miserable marriage. I now know my worth penny has dropped after all these months! So glad to read an update from you. That was a big decision that was long in the making. How are you feeling? How are you doing? To add onto that: I’m sorry to read that he has reacted this way. It’s a big question to ask somebody whether they see a future with you. Edited July 16, 2021 by mimic2021 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Scotgirl84 Posted July 16, 2021 Author Share Posted July 16, 2021 3 minutes ago, mimic2021 said: So glad to read an update from you. That was a big decision that was long in the making. How are you feeling? How are you doing? To add onto that: I’m sorry to read that he has reacted this way. It’s a big question to ask somebody whether they see a future with you. He hesitated so that’s the answer I need. Think I’ve woke up and smelled the coffee. Need to keep reminding myself it’s his loss if he’s so miserable at home. Why should I stay and bridge the gap for his marriage so I’m the one losing out! She’s happy he’s happy nope! Time to bail out 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Scotgirl84 Posted July 16, 2021 Author Share Posted July 16, 2021 57 minutes ago, Scotgirl84 said: He hesitated so that’s the answer I need. Think I’ve woke up and smelled the coffee. Need to keep reminding myself it’s his loss if he’s so miserable at home. Why should I stay and bridge the gap for his marriage so I’m the one losing out! She’s happy he’s happy nope! Time to bail out Need to keep repeating this over n over in my head 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Daisydooks Posted July 16, 2021 Share Posted July 16, 2021 3 hours ago, Scotgirl84 said: Update I’m taking this advice. I’ve had enough!!! I’ve broke it off with mm. I’m not a mug and that’s the way he’s treating me basically asked him if he sees me in his future he couldn’t answer so I left his car! That’s a good enough response for me. He can continue on his miserable marriage. I now know my worth penny has dropped after all these months! Atta girl! Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts