UPDATE: New dad with grieving teenager - 2 months on

[Ollie180]

11 hours ago, chillii said:

Meeting the gf eh, kinda giving me a bit of a moment there bc my d hasn't met my gf yet so l can only hope it goes as well as you guys did , sounds great and your d sounded like such a 15yrold with the eyebrows don't worry they come out with things like that all the time it cracks you up. Don't miss a new hair day whatever you do , chuckle.

 

Ah really? I guess it’s actually probably easier for me when it comes to introducing someone to my daughter because she’s known me for such a relatively short time too!

But hey if they both get on with you it stands to reason they should get on with each other right!?

Yeah it’s a funny age right.. can chat like adults but can also come out with stuff like that 😂

11 hours ago, chillii said:

l was gonna say yeah that damn face timing stuff with friends ooooo l don't like that one. My d walks round the house camera's rolling , cooking, tv , coming out of the bath room, first coffee for the morng , wearing or doing God knows what, l didn't realize for awhile there and the gadgets they've got now it's mind boggling you had to watch out for all of them or she'd forget and leave one absolutely anywhere still running. So anyway l'm of film now thk God, we had a good chat about that one let me tell ya.

Hahah literally! I don’t even mind but for the fact that when she’s on it I can never tell if she’s talking to me or them.. she’ll just jump between the two with no warning 🤷🏼‍♂️

[SincereOnlineGuy]

10 hours ago, Ollie180 said:

 

Thank you guys!! 😁

I‘ve never celebrated a Father’s Day in my life so I’d kinda forgotten it was even this weekend till she gave me a card and some presents which was very nice of her!

(Although, one of her presents was one of those cheesy ‘Dad’ mugs (cute) but it says ‘Dad’ on one side and on the other ‘I'd walk through fire for you dad. Well, not fire because that's dangerous. But a super humid room... well not too humid, because you know... my hair’ soooo... what can I say, at least I know where I stand, right? 🙈🤣)

That wasn't a measure of where you STAND...

 

it was the measure of the difference between   "I just barely bought you a mug"   and...   I contemplated and considered options, and concluded  that THIS mug sorta matched our respective 'places' /roles  right now.  (which IS automatically '...better...' )

 

(but I think you are mostly aware of that)

 

[Ollie180]

12 hours ago, SincereOnlineGuy said:

That wasn't a measure of where you STAND...

it was the measure of the difference between   "I just barely bought you a mug"   and...   I contemplated and considered options, and concluded  that THIS mug sorta matched our respective 'places' /roles  right now.  (which IS automatically '...better...' )

(but I think you are mostly aware of that)

Ohhh I know, I know, I’m just bantering! I think she though ‘that’ll make Ollie laugh’ (...and she’d of been right)!

But yeah you’re right! And I was pretty touched to be fair, I know it maybe sounds dumb but I genuinely wasn’t expecting her to do anything for Father’s Day!

[chillii]

On 6/8/2020 at 11:06 AM, SincereOnlineGuy said:

Next time,   don't begin your post (almost needlessly) with 

 

"Bit of a grey day here today..."

 

(that's the blurb we see on the loveshack list of new posts)...  so I was initially in fear that (it wasn't a weather report))

 

I think she's gonna be fine with   (Winnie Cooper) ...

 

A great thing about kids is that they spend 9 months a year just getting used to the routine of meeting new people  in crowded settings.

 

So they are perhaps conditioned  as much as anyone to meeting new people and thriving among the newness.

 

and yes,  don't let her date until she's 35...       (and maybe driving is best postponed until after that)

 

 

 

 

 

35yeah , that would be nice haha. Unfortunately not the way it went for us , 14 and she had her first bf , together 2 yrs. At first it was sort of a relief because while all her friends were getting into all kinds of boy troubles , these two were like an old married couple.  Few more after that and now she's single 19 and running a muck.

 

 

[Ollie180]

12 hours ago, chillii said:

35yeah , that would be nice haha. Unfortunately not the way it went for us , 14 and she had her first bf , together 2 yrs. At first it was sort of a relief because while all her friends were getting into all kinds of boy troubles , these two were like an old married couple.  Few more after that and now she's single 19 and running a muck.

Yeah? ...see this is the kinda thing that I just have no experience in 🤷🏼‍♂️ (Other than having once been a teenage boy). But reality is I’m not going to have a ‘have a chat with your mum’ option so going to just hope I can deal with this stuff as and when it occurs I guess 🤷🏼‍♂️
 

I certainly expect to be meeting a boyfriend before she’s 35 🙈😆 I know that she’s already had a boyfriend, because she’s mentioned ‘an ex’  but I can remember how long she said she was with him.. like 6 months or down this so she must of been 14 too..

Funnily enough though, she did tell me that she broke up with him because he was ‘confused’ and she told him that ‘if he was confused she’d make it real simple’ and walked, refused to give him a second chance ....the reason that story made me smile (other than the fact that it gives me confidence when boys do come along I don’t think she’ll let them rest in their laurels haha) but mostly, because in practically every other way she’s SO like me, but when she told me this she reminded me of her mum (back in the day), like literally I could hear those same words coming out of her mouth 🤣
I’m not like that.. I always search for the best in folk and give them lots of chances to come good (to my downfall sometimes) - but her mum, nah, she’s no-nonsense and not for time wasters .....I’m pleased that DD takes after her in that way tbf!

[Ollie180]

Did my first school run today! Got her there on time,  picked her and [bff] up after and took them to the beach for a bit to make the most of the weather. Did a little beginners surf lesson ...so if I didn’t earn some ‘cool dad’ points today then I never will 🤣

[SincereOnlineGuy]

30 minutes ago, Ollie180 said:

Did my first school run today! Got her there on time,  picked her and [bff] up after and took them to the beach for a bit to make the most of the weather. Did a little beginners surf lesson ...so if I didn’t earn some ‘cool dad’ points today then I never will 🤣

Oh no!

 

Did you at least have the seat belt hanging out of the car and rattling on the pavement  as you drove away after picking them up  (so all of the schoolmates heard it) ???

 

You need to make a true "Dad" impression...   and the earlier you can do so, the (more humiliating) it can be!

 

(and you DON'T want this to occur when you are really attempting to be sincere in a nice gesture - cuz you'll be so hurt)

(so best to be PRO-active along these lines!)

 

 

[Ellener]

16 hours ago, chillii said:

she's single 19 and running a muck.

That's when my son went wild, about 18, and I started dying my hair...four years of worry. But he's done fine, all is calm now. We're getting to know each other as adults.

They turn out more like us than we care to think, better and worse. When he was going wild a friend commented 'the apple doesn't fall far from the tree'. I said 'I'll tell his father you said that!' His father couldn't handle it and was pretty much out of the picture by then. But he still has some of his good qualities, clever, funny. 

They have to make their own choices even if we know better ( in case we don't! )

 

 

[Ellener]

2 hours ago, Ollie180 said:

I always search for the best in folk and give them lots of chances to come good (to my downfall sometimes) - but her mum, nah, she’s no-nonsense and not for time wasters .....I’m pleased that DD takes after her in that way tbf!

She'll be a combination of the two of you!

[chillii]

25 minutes ago, Ellener said:

That's when my son went wild, about 18, and I started dying my hair...four years of worry. But he's done fine, all is calm now. We're getting to know each other as adults.

They turn out more like us than we care to think, better and worse. When he was going wild a friend commented 'the apple doesn't fall far from the tree'. I said 'I'll tell his father you said that!' His father couldn't handle it and was pretty much out of the picture by then. But he still has some of his good qualities, clever, funny. 

They have to make their own choices even if we know better ( in case we don't! )

 

 

 

Yeah we're very alike , ex is always joking about it . lt scares me that she likes my life and loves things l've done and the way l use to be . She said the other night chuckling l wanna marry a guy just like my dad , l nearly fell off the bed , noooooo you don't want a h like ,me, no no no. Everything l'm trying to help her avoid is backfiring , shyt.. And as much as l try to tell her l wasn't that cool and so much was way too hard because of me , she still just finds the cool stuff. But mostly l wasn't that cool at all l was pretty fkd up actually , even when l was doing ok.

What about a banker , or an accountant , or a minister ha ha ha . and a nice ultra boring life.

 

 

 

 

 

[Ellener]

My dad said 'you should have been your parent..' when I complained about my son 😃

[Ollie180]

21 hours ago, SincereOnlineGuy said:

Oh no!

Did you at least have the seat belt hanging out of the car and rattling on the pavement  as you drove away after picking them up  (so all of the schoolmates heard it) ???

You need to make a true "Dad" impression...   and the earlier you can do so, the (more humiliating) it can be!

(and you DON'T want this to occur when you are really attempting to be sincere in a nice gesture - cuz you'll be so hurt)

(so best to be PRO-active along these lines!)

Hahaha damn.. I need to up the ‘embarrassing dad stakes’ 

....I’ll wear one of my Hawaiian shirts next week, maybe the yellow one with flamingos on 🤔

[Ollie180]

20 hours ago, chillii said:

Yeah we're very alike , ex is always joking about it . lt scares me that she likes my life and loves things l've done and the way l use to be . She said the other night chuckling l wanna marry a guy just like my dad , l nearly fell off the bed , noooooo you don't want a h like ,me, no no no. Everything l'm trying to help her avoid is backfiring , shyt.. And as much as l try to tell her l wasn't that cool and so much was way too hard because of me , she still just finds the cool stuff. But mostly l wasn't that cool at all l was pretty fkd up actually , even when l was doing ok.

What about a banker , or an accountant , or a minister ha ha ha . and a nice ultra boring life.

Honestly, however my ex would dress the words up - this is basically a big part of why she didn’t choose to tell me/involve me in DD’s life all these years! I’ve lead an unconventional life I guess and my ex is a very conventional lady.. banker or accountant Would be a perfect career in her book and she didn’t want me to encourage DD to follow in my footsteps I guess!

The irony of that is that even with me completely out of the picture and DD believing someone else was her dad, even with that, in so many ways she probably couldn’t have raised a kid to be more like me if she tried 😂

And my ex has said herself that she understands me a lot better now, (than she ever did when we were together 16 years ago), now that she’s seen those same traits in DD!

 

DD’s already expressed that She’d like me to take her to some of the countries I used to live.. and that she’s like to travel herself...................it is scarier when your looking at it from the parent side though (I know how many skin-of-my-teeth moments I had - I certainly don’t like to imagine her in the same scenarios 🙈)

 

19 hours ago, Ellener said:

My dad said 'you should have been your parent..' when I complained about my son 😃

Haha! ...I can barley believe that ellener - you seem so level headed

[Ellener]

1 hour ago, Ollie180 said:

ellener - you seem so level headed

I've matured a lot in my forties and fifties...

🤔

[SincereOnlineGuy]

Yes !!! 

 

Flamingos it is... to school...

 

 

and a dusty "Lei"  would be THE best...   

 

AND IF you can work-in  singing     "Tiny Bubbles...  IN the wine...  MAKE me happy... make me FEEL so FINE..."

 

 

That would cap it off !!

 

 

[Ollie180]

On 6/25/2020 at 12:13 AM, SincereOnlineGuy said:

Yes !!! 

Flamingos it is... to school...

and a dusty "Lei"  would be THE best... 

 

AND IF you can work-in  singing     "Tiny Bubbles...  IN the wine...  MAKE me happy... make me FEEL so FINE..."

That would cap it off !!

 

I had to google the song hadn’t heard it - Looool ...I’m not sure she’d think I was ‘embarrassing dad’ so much as lost my actual mind! 🤣

[Ollie180]

Took my gf to meet DD’s mum Saturday. It went well. 21questions, but she liked my gf. I knew she would because she’s a lovely girl, there’s nothing not to like, and she’s ‘steady’ which I know is what DD’s mum was hoping she’d be!

 

Had a nice weekend with DD, dropped her home late afternoon Sunday. Then at 1:15 in the morning DD calls me because she’s worried about her mum...

I went straight over obviously, but by the time I got there her mum was feeling a little bit better...

In fact she was annoyed, she thought DD didn’t need to phone me. (I couldn’t disagree more, I think she absolutely should phone me, and that she should do it again if she’s worried). She went to bed after a bit but I stayed for quite a while tbf and just watched some super trashy tv with DD.

I am a bit worried that her mums health has deteriorated a bit.. I also wish she’d tell me more, let me help more! I could pop in more, cook, wash up, watch some tele.. just be about for DD AND for her. But she’s a very independent woman and it’s not in her nature I guess. 
...I just want to make sure DD doesn’t feel on her own with it all.

Her mum has got a hosp appt this week, so I’m pleased about that.. hopefully that will give us a bit more info.

[Ellener]

10 hours ago, Ollie180 said:

.I just want to make sure DD doesn’t feel on her own with it all.

maybe you can gently tell her mum that, and that you want daughter to see a man being responsible as a role model for when she picks her own men later? Something like that...

Thinking of you all.

Edited June 30, 2020 by Ellener
spelling

[Ollie180]

12 hours ago, Ellener said:

maybe you can gently tell her mum that, and that you want daughter to see a man being responsible as a role model for when she picks her own men later? Something like that...

Thinking of you all.

Mmm yeah you’re right. She defo wasn’t up for discussing it when I tried to talk to her then, just told me like.. she’s never stopped me seeing DD and if I want to see her more I can come pick her up/take her out whenever, but that she was still ‘perfectly capable’ of looking after DD at home (for what it’s worth I wasn’t trying to insinuate that she wasn’t capable of that.. I was just trying to help).

I’ll see her tomorrow though when I take DD.. and Thursday when I’ll take them to the hosp for my ex’s scan so I might try and have another chat then..... I’m pleased she’s having this scan because COVID has delayed all her appts so I feel like we’re a bit in the dark at the moment

[Ellener]

It's got to be hard for her mum @Ollie180 I mean she wants you all to get along and have a good life together...knowing she might not be part of it for long. And she's not feeling well. She knows you're trying your best, she's perhaps just trying to retain her independence as long as possible. ((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((( ))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

 

[Ollie180]

34 minutes ago, Ellener said:

It's got to be hard for her mum @Ollie180 I mean she wants you all to get along and have a good life together...knowing she might not be part of it for long. And she's not feeling well. She knows you're trying your best, she's perhaps just trying to retain her independence as long as possible. ((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((( ))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Yeah I know - well actually I guess that’s the thing, I don’t know, like I can’t even imagine really... I can’t imagine what it’s like to have all this time to contemplate like the end of your own life in that way!!

And I know she wants to maintain her independence AND to keep things as ‘normal as possible’ for DD.... I guess the real worry is that this situation isn’t going to get easier right, it’s going to get worse and that’s a tough thought for everyone involved!

All I can really do at the moment is just be there for DD where I can.. she doesn’t talk about her mums health very often tbf.. I don’t push her to either, just sort of wait for the times where she brings it up 🤷🏼‍♂️

[SincereOnlineGuy]

It is.. significant  to imagine the huge weight of importance  that the mom must be placing on just (letting herself be comfortable believing that the daughter is going to thrive, even when mom isn't around to share it).

 

DD doesn't have to get to the moon, or to the altar, or to Mecca, or to an advanced college degree...  in order to please the mom enough...

 

Mom just needs to perceive that the trajectory is there for (whatever anyone deems important).

 

In 23 years and two months,  the daughter will have one job...   2 kids...  and a random-to-us-here-NOW husband.

 

Even if those are all great in 2043...   they will only be good individuals, and not the vast realm of possibility which exists before us today.

 

SO... the mom, from this point has a great psychological edge (in that limited area of mom's  complete personal picture) at this moment (because **potential**  within the human mind is SO VAST that some of it can't help but be there and quite obvious whenever one wants to think about it).

 

So, Ollie, it won't be too difficult just to avoid fumbling  noticeably, in order to maintain the most you can do  from your unique place.

 

And every time ANY little element turns what once was mere potential  into a (playing card now face-up in DD's life)...  that will just be normalcy as well, even though you might *feel* it extra deeply when considering the vantage point of the mom.

 

You and the mom might know (man, I need a word... ) the best realistic trajectory (to suit the mom's feelings) in that the daughter will be further evolving  right into the range with the fullest possible trajectory for that daughter over the next few years.   

As of 2020, she could become the Queen of Hearts, the Queen of Clubs, the Queen of Spades, or the Queen of Diamonds...  

and in most minds that range of possibility is perceived to be greater than is the inevitable eventual selection of just ONE of those (highly esteemed paths).

 

We're all rooting for you, Ollie!

 

 

[Ollie180]

@SincereOnlineGuy Y’know I had to read this a couple of times and really think on it for a while...

Such an interesting point! And not really one I’ve ever heard before! As someone who lost his parent as a child one of the things that has always been the hardest is not having her here to witness my 'defining moments', those paths we choose that shape our lives.. she'll never get to know what career I've chosen, what girl I marry, my kids names, all of those things...

 

But your right.. as amazing as all those things are, and as excited as I am to be a part of DD’d life to see the answer to those questions...  everytime we choose one thing we shut the door on multiple others.. and maybe there is actually nothing quite so beautiful as to know someone at the point in their life when very limited doors are closed to them and they are made up, not of the things they’ve done, but of pure potential...

 

It’s quite a comforting viewpoint that!

[Ollie180]

Took DD’s mum to hosp appt with her consultant today.. first appt she hasn't let DD go to with her so I figured she had a hunch it wasn't going to be amazing news....... which, sadly, it wasn't. It, it wasn’t great basically..

My heads spinning.. and I feel really sad, so I can't even really begin to imagine how she feels. However many years it's been, I still look at her and see that 18 year old who hiked up an active volcano in the dark with me to watch the sunrise and danced the night away at that neon beach party that I'll never forget.. I think when your teens your invincible, right? So it's weird to contemplate just how sick she is now. 

 

Also, she didn't want me to go in the house after, she wanted to tell DD herself....So now I don't know what to do really. I want to give them their space, but I also want to let DD know I'm here.... 🤷🏼‍♂️ I might either call her or drop her a message in a bit... I think I'll wait a few more hours though, maybe this evening.. I want to be able to just let her take a breath first.

 

 

(One bit of nice news though.. had a good time at the weekend.. took DD to where I grew up to meet my 'foster sis'.. I think It was especially nice for DD because foster sis knows DD's mum from back when me and her were together, we all were at the same school. She even had dug through her stuff and found some old pictures she still had of me and DD's mum together as teenagers which she gave to DD. 

Actually, me and DD's mum were chatting about that in the car, which was nice because I think it was a wayyy lighter topic and it was making her laugh. She said how 'back in the day' she was never all that keen on my foster sis, they mixed in different crowds, but how when she heard DD talking about [foster sis] when she got home, it made her feel unexpectedly nostalgic and realise she'd actually quite like to meet up with her herself -- funny what time does right!)

[Ellener]

I'm sorry @Ollie180 Some tough weeks ahead. Glad you made DD's mum laugh, she needs that. (((((((((((((((((((((((((((( )))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))