UPDATE: New dad with grieving teenager - 2 months on

[Ellener]

2 hours ago, Ollie180 said:

Having a little trouble with her English teacher but tbf that’s not the first time and I doubt it’ll be the last time,

There seem to be a lot of teachers who aren't cut out for working with young people! 

Hope Wednesdaygoes okay as it can.

 

[Ollie180]

On 12/5/2020 at 9:48 PM, Ellener said:

There seem to be a lot of teachers who aren't cut out for working with young people! 

Hope Wednesdaygoes okay as it can.

 

Yeah.. well whenever I talk to her form tutor she says very nice things about DD so I’m not worried.

Yeah, I mean there’s some great teachers out there isn’t there, and then There’s some not so great ones too. I’ve had both. I’m sure most people were probably taught by both.

 

Thank you. I feel really nervous about it, I don't know why! I think tomorrow’s just a day to ‘get through’ as best we can.

[Ellener]

9 hours ago, Ollie180 said:

Thank you. I feel really nervous about it, I don't know why! I think tomorrow’s just a day to ‘get through’ as best we can.

Sending you much love, such days are always hard. Bitter-sweet times too, your ex, the memories, the beautiful unexpected now-treasured daughter, the holidays and trying to hold on to normality.

My son was the best thing ever happened in my life, I would have taken my own life months ago without him this dreadful year, one day you're their reason for living to support them, then they turn around and love you back. The worst night of all my son came and took over for a few hours, even in my despair I saw every life skill I could possibly have taught him. He said you can commit suicide later, just not tonight. He didn't know that but I've done that a number of times with people in despair myself and that's what I said to them too. 

Nobody ever gives up in our family history easily and what I've found this terrible year is a lot of my family strength emerged. My dad made elaborate plans for us all, even though he isn't here his strength and will is. His love is. Every time I paint or create I hear him now, encouraging every last creative bone in my body. My sister's love is his voice. 

I don't even know if this makes any sense, clinging to love that isn't always about anything. Except love.

With a sense of humour and empathy. Because love and our real self can be a burden as much as a gift. 

There are dark days and sad days to being human. And sharing being human. 

 

 

 

 

[Ollie180]

On 12/9/2020 at 8:35 AM, Ellener said:

Bitter-sweet times too, your ex, the memories, the beautiful unexpected now-treasured daughter, the holidays and trying to hold on to normality.

 

Yep absolutely, just a rollercoaster, right!

On 12/9/2020 at 8:35 AM, Ellener said:

My son was the best thing ever happened in my life, I would have taken my own life months ago without him this dreadful year, one day you're their reason for living to support them, then they turn around and love you back. The worst night of all my son came and took over for a few hours, even in my despair I saw every life skill I could possibly have taught him. He said you can commit suicide later, just not tonight. He didn't know that but I've done that a number of times with people in despair myself and that's what I said to them too. 

Nobody ever gives up in our family history easily and what I've found this terrible year is a lot of my family strength emerged. My dad made elaborate plans for us all, even though he isn't here his strength and will is. His love is. Every time I paint or create I hear him now, encouraging every last creative bone in my body. My sister's love is his voice. 

I don't even know if this makes any sense, clinging to love that isn't always about anything. Except love.

I hear you! That’s sad and also beautiful at the same time!

I think even on our darkest days, when everything’s falling apart, that there’s that voice in your head, right, the same one that helps you make decisions! That chink of hope, that bit little of fight that’s never too tired to get up one last time! And I think ultimately it’s the people we love that become that voice in our head!! 

As a kid like DD’s age, my mum might not have been there but she was always the voice in my head! Even now, as an adult, she still is... only now her voice is mixed with other people’s... my foster sister, my honouree ‘African grandpa’, my girlfriend, and now even DD. The people I love! 

[Ollie180]

Little update time I guess..

Funeral was alright. Tough but alright. DD was very upset before it but then during the actual day she was very strong... once she’s in a group setting that’s it, she’s like ‘entertainer mode’ on!

She’s stayed off school the rest of the week after it though, I think with the funeral and all the country gearing up for Christmas and everything, I think it’s just been a tough end to the week for her. 

She’s doing okay though, all things considered I think she’s pretty good! I have noticed that post funeral she’s been much more ‘attached’ (not sure if that’s the right word) to me though. Which isn’t a bad thing, I’m glad that I can be a source of support to her and that she values our relationship in that way, but it has surprise me a little because I know with teens often they’d rather open up to their friends than their parents! ...I was talking to my gf about it though, and she was just advising me like ‘reassure her, reassure her, reassure her’ which is what I have been trying to do tbf! ....She was making me think though because she was saying how like if C was 5 and sad about a lost toy or something I’d just pick her up and give her a big hug and make it all better ...but over the course of a whole childhood you would of done that thousands of times, right, but I don’t have that history with DD, so that maybe it makes sense that she’s looking for more reassurance from me now! 🤔 ..I’m sure I’ve said before, she is honestly 15 going on 25, but still there’s moments in time when I can see the little kid in her. It’s just such a inbetween kinda age I guess.

 

Took DD into town today though, she was helping me Christmas shopping for my girlfriend... I want to buy an engagement ring 😲 if this years reminded me of anything It’s how damn short life is, and that’s something I thought I already knew! I want to wife that girl up, haha! Very pleased to have a teenage daughter to give me some advise on this, however the kid has very expensive taste! 😭🤣

[Ellener]

Hope you are doing ok @Ollie180

[Ollie180]

Thanks @Ellener Hope you managed to have a nice Christmas?

It was quiet here due to new lockdown measures! At first I thought it was a shame because we had plans to spend xmas with my gf’s fam & Boxing Day with my foster sis... But as it turns out I think, maybe it was a bit of a blessing in disguise? I think maybe a quietish Christmas at home was actually good for DD with losing her mum still being so fresh!

...She made me cry though, DD. She wrote me such a cute Christmas card! Said like “2020’s been a rollercoaster! I had so many doubts about meeting you, I agreed because mum had her heart set on it... I guess she always did know best!

I was so determined not to get my hopes up & expect too much of you like a stupid little kid. But you’ve been nothing short of my real life superhero Ollie. Thank you for always knowing how to make me laugh, for looking after me (and mum), for putting up with my terrible taste in films, for the 2am chats, for your great hugs, and for your awesome cooking! Thank you for being the best dad I could have!!

I love you tons and tons! Merry Christmas dad!”

I just couldn’t really ask for more than that!!

I also asked my lovely gf to be my fiancée on Christmas so that was something to celebrate! 😁

....And for a bloke who spent last Christmas single, I’ve got a lot to be grateful for this year!!

[introverted1]

On 12/27/2020 at 6:16 PM, Ollie180 said:

I also asked my lovely gf to be my fiancée on Christmas so that was something to celebrate! 😁

....And for a bloke who spent last Christmas single, I’ve got a lot to be grateful for this year!!

Congratulations! ❤️

[Ollie180]

On 12/29/2020 at 3:41 PM, introverted1 said:

Congratulations! ❤️

Thank you 😊

[Ollie180]

I’ve been doing some googling tonight...

We are 4 days into UK lockdown 3. Schools won’t reopen to Feb 22nd at the earliest. DD is struggling massively with online learning. The gov have announced her GCSEs (final end of school exams, you take at 16 in the U.K.) are going to be cancelled and replaced by some sort of teacher assessment.

Basically every single part of this couldn’t suit DD less. She hates virtual lessons, can’t take it in. Engages better with vocal discussion than with written tasks. And she traditionally does better in exams than she does at coursework. 

Her school phoned me today. They’re concerned about too (A, from a welfare point of view. She’s a very social kid and isolation after recently losing her mum is not what any of us would have picked) but B, from an academic point of view they know she fell behind a bit last lockdown and they want to try and support her butttt although that’s great and all, there’s not a lot they can do really.

 

My fiancée has been helping her with the work in the evening quite a lot this week which is great. I have tried to do a bit too but, I think I’ve said on here before, I’m dyslexic (as is DD) and I’m Adhd and... I struggle with written work more than DD does tbh 😂

I’ve just been doing other stuff with her during the days tbh. She’s been helping me with some of my work projects, which she actually does like. And she’s doing a couple of days a week working on my mates farm, which she had been doing as a Saturday job anyway.

 

I’m sure I’m not the only parent in this situation right now. I want to support her with the school work.. but I also feel like it’s important to y’know like protect teens self esteem by balancing it with letting them do stuff they are good at. 🤷🏼‍♂️ It does make her quite stressed so, it’s tricky, it’s just weighing up how hard to push it!

 

[Ellener]

On 1/7/2021 at 3:43 PM, Ollie180 said:

I want to support her with the school work.. but I also feel like it’s important to y’know like protect teens self esteem by balancing it with letting them do stuff they are good at.

Well one thing you're good at is thinking outside the box!

I am a big believer in 'love what you do and you'll never work a day in your life'. There's an evil comes into people's souls who are long-term unhappy and unfulfilled...

There's a book I used a few years ago 'Do what you love and the money will follow' ( Marsha Sinetar )

There is no 'one size fits all' with education and training- though we have adopted that plan in many countries with less than stellar outcomes for either achieving productivity or individual satisfaction.

That said- I encouraged my son to get a first degree too whilst he was working life out; he didn't take me up on my advice to also learn plumbing, vehicle maintenance and construction skills as yet 🧰

[introverted1]

Sorry to hear this. Ollie.

Can you record the virtual lessons, possibly even transcribe them later? 

Any chance the teachers are willing to give her more exam-like work for the final assessment?  In the US, teachers sometimes give choices such that kids can respond to an assignment by making a video, writing a paper or composing music (for example).  This allows kids to work with their strengths. 

Sending you good wishes!

[Ollie180]

On 1/9/2021 at 4:36 PM, Ellener said:

I am a big believer in 'love what you do and you'll never work a day in your life'. There's an evil comes into people's souls who are long-term unhappy and unfulfilled...

There's a book I used a few years ago 'Do what you love and the money will follow' ( Marsha Sinetar )

Oh I couldn’t agree more El!! I’ve spent most of my adult life working in the field on conservation projects and for ‘not for profit’ charities. I’ll never be a rich man, not if you define that by your bank balance! But I’ve loved my work, which to me is more important!

DD will always have my support when it comes to her doing something she loves! She’s already had to pick her courses for college next year.. I think it’s tough because it’s hard to know what you want to do with your life at 16 right!? DD doesn't fancy uni though, she says she wants to be a firefighter, or plan B, a police officer ....I don’t want to give her the impression I’m not bothered about grades, I know her mum was very bothered about grades! But I just think as long as she does as her best with this last bit of school, then that’s all you can ask, and she should still be fine to carry on with the route she wants to take, I think the only issue will be if she doesn’t pass English, she’ll have to retake it next year if that’s the case.

On 1/9/2021 at 4:36 PM, Ellener said:

There is no 'one size fits all' with education and training- though we have adopted that plan in many countries with less than stellar outcomes for either achieving productivity or individual satisfaction

Ah don’t get me started!! 
 

On 1/9/2021 at 4:39 PM, introverted1 said:

Sorry to hear this. Ollie.

Can you record the virtual lessons, possibly even transcribe them later? 

Any chance the teachers are willing to give her more exam-like work for the final assessment?  In the US, teachers sometimes give choices such that kids can respond to an assignment by making a video, writing a paper or composing music (for example).  This allows kids to work with their strengths. 

Sending you good wishes!

Hey! Thank you!

yeah they do record the talking bits of the lessons so they can be rewatched. So that’s a bit helpful.

They were nice when they called me to be fair. They were just saying they know it doesn’t suit DD, and they will register her for extenuating circumstances anyway given everything with her mum, but they were basically saying they’re happy to support us anyway they can, but that it is what it is. Which I guess is true, they have a lot of kids to cater for and DD is a charismatic talker, but loses interest with writing.

That sounds an amazing set up in the US though! They don’t really do that here, it’s all about keeping stuff ‘standardised’. I think they would do more of a interview type assessment instead of written if needed, but I don’t think they’ll do that for DD because her writing isn’t weak enough to qualify if that makes sense! She should get C’s, could maybe get the odd B, the worry is she could slip to few D’s as well. C being considered like ‘pass’ in the U.K.

I really do think the whole education system does need a reform! It doesn’t reflect the modern world at all that kids can’t, like you say, work to their strengths.

[Ellener]

How's it going @Ollie180 ?

[Ollie180]

It has just been 2 months since DD lost her mum. That milestone was a hard day for her. I think it was actually one of the toughest days we’ve had! Like I was proper sitting on the floor with her! 
....I think, it’s hard because, early doors there’s so much shock isn’t there (even when you know something is inevitable). But I think when she realised it was 2 months that was maybe like a real reality check, and it came crashing down a bit.

She’s been okay since that though ....I know that she does come and talk to me when she wants too, so because of that I pretty much leave it up to her and I don’t push her ....maybe I should actively encourage her to talk about it more 🤔 but she seems okay!

 

Other new parenting challenge for Ollie is - DD has a boyfriend!

Something else that was definitely inevitable! Slight bit of a tricky one because she met him at the farm where she works and he’s older than her! So he’s 18. (I know two years isn’t much, and I know she’s mature. But there is a difference between being 16 and being 18).

The thing that I can’t decide if it makes it slightly better or slightly worse 🙈 is that I actually know him! He’s my friends (DD’s boss) nephew, sometimes he plays 5-a-side football with me & my friend and comes to the pub. (Which is why for ages I thought he was doing ME a favour by driving DD home from work - but no, obviously he was doing that because he liked her 🙄) ...Does mean I can wind her up though, kept telling her I was going to text him, which she doesn’t appreciate 😂.
 

I do worry maybe that it’s a little bit close to losing her mum, and all those emotions. But at the same time she’s a teenager, it’s not like it’s abnormal for her to be dating! And he is a bit older than I’d choose right now, but also he is a real ‘nice boy’, so if that’s her type then that bodes quite well for the future 🤷🏼‍♂️

 

(Hope you’re doing okay @Ellener?)

[Ellener]

5 hours ago, Ollie180 said:

That milestone was a hard day for her.

It sinks in that it's a permanent situation, and life is moving on without someone who was at the centre of it for so long.

I still cry for some of my dead sometimes, and I think it's healthy to remember and to feel the feelings. 

She sounds entirely grounded in 'normal' teen life to me, you're doing good!

I'm fine, settled down into a calm waiting game for the vaccine to be available and to get back to my 'normal' middle-aged life 😁

I knit things and grow things and paint watercolours etc. My son grew up and doesn't need me any more...another bitter-sweet feeling but as it should be.

🧶

[sandylee1]

I've spent the last couple of days reading the entire thread. What a roller coaster. You've coped so well and not shown any upset with not being told about DD from the beginning. 

The thread caught my eye because I've also just lost my mum, so I know how painful it is, but I'm much older than your DD.

Regarding the GCSEs, just thought I'd mention. They aren't grade A, B,C, D, E etc anymore. They're graded as 9 to 1. 9 being the highest. It fully changed in 2018. I have a DD who did her GCSEs then.

You're doing a great job considering this came out of nowhere for you. Keep it up. I wish you, DD and your fiancee the very best going forwards. 

[Ollie180]

On 1/28/2021 at 4:26 AM, Ellener said:

It sinks in that it's a permanent situation, and life is moving on without someone who was at the centre of it for so long.

I still cry for some of my dead sometimes, and I think it's healthy to remember and to feel the feelings. 

She sounds entirely grounded in 'normal' teen life to me, you're doing good!

Yeah absolutely! I think you’re right sometimes the permamce does take a while to hit you!

And I think, big loss, it keeps hitting you doesn't it - I still think about things I miss with MY mum... telling her I’m engaged, her getting to meet her granddaughter! All those things always make me think about my mum but....it just gets less, raw I guess, it doesn’t hit me as hard as.. unfortunately, it will keep hitting DD for a while yet.

But yeah I think she’s a pretty grounded kid. And pretty easy going, so, I have confidence that she’ll be okay .....she doesn’t really ever worry me too much when she’s upset y’know, because she doesn’t really retreat into herself - when she’s upset you’ll know about it, and she doesn’t ever seem to stay low too long, she’ll just get upset and then she’ll be okay.

On 1/28/2021 at 4:26 AM, Ellener said:

I knit things and grow things and paint watercolours etc. My son grew up and doesn't need me any more...another bitter-sweet feeling but as it should be.

🧶

Ahh my fiancées being going crazy with the green fingers recently!

Yes, for sure! Although that said.. I’m definitely not ready for DD not to need me anymore for a while yet!! I’ve still definitely got some catching up dad time to do!! Haha!

[Ollie180]

On 1/31/2021 at 12:18 AM, sandylee1 said:

I've spent the last couple of days reading the entire thread. What a roller coaster. You've coped so well and not shown any upset with not being told about DD from the beginning. 

The thread caught my eye because I've also just lost my mum, so I know how painful it is, but I'm much older than your DD.

Regarding the GCSEs, just thought I'd mention. They aren't grade A, B,C, D, E etc anymore. They're graded as 9 to 1. 9 being the highest. It fully changed in 2018. I have a DD who did her GCSEs then.

You're doing a great job considering this came out of nowhere for you. Keep it up. I wish you, DD and your fiancee the very best going forwards. 

Oh wow! Thank you - that’s dedication! This thread is basically the story of my year now!

Thank you! I mean, I’m sad I lost all those years of her life but what’s done is done right, I can’t change it! I just want to make the most of what we have! ...I am very sorry about your mum - I don’t think it’s ever easy, regardless of age!!

ohhhhh I know, with the GCSES - I can’t get my head round it, ....which, to be honest, I don’t think anything has ever made me sound so old and past it!!! 🙈🙈 Literally I’ve got (virtual) parents evening next week and I’ve got a little post it note of what the grades convert to next to my laptop so that I don’t have to think 🤣

Thank you!!

[LivingWaterPlease]

I'm one of the many (I'm sure) following your thread and cheering for you, Ollie! It's so encouraging to read of your journey with DD and your fiancee!

[Ollie180]

On 2/3/2021 at 11:58 PM, LivingWaterPlease said:

I'm one of the many (I'm sure) following your thread and cheering for you, Ollie! It's so encouraging to read of your journey with DD and your fiancee!

Thank you!! I appreciate that! 😁

[Ollie180]

So today me and DD went food shopping (pretty exciting trip out in lockdown that).

We had quite a bit to get so I gave her half the list and told her I’d race her... winner buys McDonald’s on the way home (who’m I kidding, we all know I’m gonna be buying whatever 🙄🤣)

So DD is every bit as competitive as I am, so we were both nearly done, she thought she was finished, I told her she wasn’t (she had the wrong type of OJ - rookie error, too much hast and the kid gets sloppy 🤷🏼‍♂️).

She was pretty animated, arguing the toss with me about the juice, before giving me the old ‘OH MY GOD’ slinging her trolley at me and taking off running for the juice isle.

Smart I guess... no way I could get around quickly with two trolleys! I was just laughing to myself when this woman came up to me... I thought she was gonna say the carts were in her way or something so I started with ‘sorry’ but she didn’t, she said that she hoped I didn’t mind her interjecting but she was a college councillor and she just really wanted to come over and say that she was watching me and DD and how nice it was to see a teenage girl with such a healthy relationship with her dad. That i seemed like a good dad, and it was nice to see a kid of her age laughing and happy in public.

I thanked her, because what more can you say. But I’ve thought about what she said and y’know.... she doesn’t know mine and DD’s unique circumstances, she never will, our backstory it doesn’t matter to her... and I thought, that’s the beauty of a compliment from a total stranger right? It’s so in the moment, it’s so honest!!
People tell me that I’m doing a good job with DD, or that I’m coping well “with everything”, people that know us, but I’d be lying if I said I didn’t think often about the time that I missed with her, it plays in my mind! 
Random supermarket women will never fully know just how much her taking the time in that moment to say that to me, her not knowing us, how much that meant!

Random supermarket woman has also just given me a reminder to actually give strangers the compliments I often only think in my head!!

[Pottering About]

Just read through your whole thread and wanted to say what a great beacon of light and hope this story is. Puts so much of what is going on in people's lives into perspective. Much love to you, DD ,and your fiancee. 

[Ollie180]

On 3/8/2021 at 7:30 AM, Pottering About said:

Just read through your whole thread and wanted to say what a great beacon of light and hope this story is. Puts so much of what is going on in people's lives into perspective. Much love to you, DD ,and your fiancee. 

Ah! Thank you very much for your kind words! It’s definitely been a big 12/18 months, but also a lot of fantastic things have happened in that time. And to get to be her dad I feel makes be pretty lucky!

[spiderowl]

Wow, I've just read through this whole thread, Ollie.  It is an incredible story.

I am so impressed by your writing and your humour.  I can see how much you adore your new daughter and what a difference you have made to her life.  She's been through a lot (as have you) and you have been a joy in her life.

She sounds such an amazing person too, resourceful, witty and fun, like her dad.

I feel for students and parents who had to cope with remote learning during the lockdown.  My kids are adults now but I'm sure I would have cracked under the strain of remote learning.

It was strange reading all this in retrospect.  I am glad you had a good Christmas (Congratulations, by the way!).  My Christmas was sad because I lost two immediate family members to Covid in December.  I can really empathise with the grief you and your family have felt/are feeling.

Life goes on and, thanks to you, your daughter will do well, whatever she chooses to do, and knows she has your wonderful insight and support.