UPDATE: New dad with grieving teenager - 2 months on

[Ellener]

6 hours ago, Ollie180 said:

she thinks I’m ‘sorta alright ....ish’

high praise indeed! 🙂

[Ollie180]

Had DD stay overnight with me for the first time Saturday! 🙂  It was actually really nice, she’s so chatty so it’s always so easy to be in her company! We cooked curry together, and watched some films, and I was once again reminded how long teenage girls take to get ready in the morning!!

 

I had a interesting chat with my ex at the door when I went to pick her up though. She said “Do you think we’d of been able to do this all those years ago Ollie? ..Shared custody, weekends with you.. or maybe would it have been more like summers in Africa, whatever?”

I told her I’m sure we’d of found a way!

Then she went “I regret it Ollie. I do want you to know that! I thought you’d be too soft on her, too much of an idealist, I thought you’d teach her to me too starry-eyed. I never doubted that you were a good man - it’s just that impulse control.. it leaves something to be desired. Only, now, none of those things could matter less! The only thing that matters when I think about it now is that you would have loved her!”

I am pleased to hear it, but at the same time, what’s done is done, so what’s the benefit in giving over it now! I said like DD is an amazing kid, and that’s 100% of credit to her mum!! I would have loved nothing more than to be a part of her life! But she’s certainly not a kid that’s missed out!

She said “As strong as our first love was, we were incompatible! There was some parts of you that used to drive me bonkers at 19 years old, and what’s ironic about that is... DD Inherited almost all of them!! But she’s my baby girl, I wouldn’t change anything about her for the world! Day by day she taught me to be a better, more understanding person! Yeah, she’s always late, frighteningly fearless and most of the time doesn’t take things seriously as I think she should... but I look at the adult she’s becoming and I see her as a person who makes time for people always - putting them above her schedule, who is confident enough to take risk, and, well actually I still think she could do with worrying about some things a bit more, but nevertheless she is someone who can find happiness in the present moment! ...I probably still spend too much time directing her and not enough telling her I’m so proud of the person she is, but you Ollie - I think you would have always been able to understand her, and I want you to know, that I wish now that I would have had you in her life all along.....even if you almost certainly would have driven me bonkers most of the time!!”

 

I literally just didn’t even know what to say! ...probably up there with the nicest things anyone’s ever said to me! I kind of just stood there, but I was saved by DD coming down the stairs.

It did make me feel good though, it made me feel like she trusts me to do a decent job of being a father. For me that’s a huge seal of approval!!

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Great update and so nice she said all those nice things to you!  With age comes wisdom and maturity for sure.  

[Ollie180]

On 5/3/2020 at 3:38 PM, CautiouslyOptimistic said:

Great update and so nice she said all those nice things to you!  With age comes wisdom and maturity for sure.  

Thank you!!

It is nice to hear her express, like, some faith in me to do a good job!

[SincereOnlineGuy]

On 5/3/2020 at 7:07 AM, Ollie180 said:

Had DD stay overnight with me for the first time Saturday! 🙂  It was actually really nice, she’s so chatty so it’s always so easy to be in her company! We cooked curry together, and watched some films, and I was once again reminded how long teenage girls take to get ready in the morning!!

 

I had a interesting chat with my ex at the door when I went to pick her up though. She said “Do you think we’d of been able to do this all those years ago Ollie? ..Shared custody, weekends with you.. or maybe would it have been more like summers in Africa, whatever?”

I told her I’m sure we’d of found a way!

Then she went “I regret it Ollie. I do want you to know that! I thought you’d be too soft on her, too much of an idealist, I thought you’d teach her to me too starry-eyed. I never doubted that you were a good man - it’s just that impulse control.. it leaves something to be desired. Only, now, none of those things could matter less! The only thing that matters when I think about it now is that you would have loved her!”

I am pleased to hear it, but at the same time, what’s done is done, so what’s the benefit in giving over it now! I said like DD is an amazing kid, and that’s 100% of credit to her mum!! I would have loved nothing more than to be a part of her life! But she’s certainly not a kid that’s missed out!

She said “As strong as our first love was, we were incompatible! There was some parts of you that used to drive me bonkers at 19 years old, and what’s ironic about that is... DD Inherited almost all of them!! But she’s my baby girl, I wouldn’t change anything about her for the world! Day by day she taught me to be a better, more understanding person! Yeah, she’s always late, frighteningly fearless and most of the time doesn’t take things seriously as I think she should... but I look at the adult she’s becoming and I see her as a person who makes time for people always - putting them above her schedule, who is confident enough to take risk, and, well actually I still think she could do with worrying about some things a bit more, but nevertheless she is someone who can find happiness in the present moment! ...I probably still spend too much time directing her and not enough telling her I’m so proud of the person she is, but you Ollie - I think you would have always been able to understand her, and I want you to know, that I wish now that I would have had you in her life all along.....even if you almost certainly would have driven me bonkers most of the time!!”

 

I literally just didn’t even know what to say! ...probably up there with the nicest things anyone’s ever said to me! I kind of just stood there, but I was saved by DD coming down the stairs.

It did make me feel good though, it made me feel like she trusts me to do a decent job of being a father. For me that’s a huge seal of approval!!

 

I don't think the specifics of mom's long-ago choices are (even significantly entailed) in that speech ...  as I'm guessing the other male was central in the choices as well as the reasons why  they were made.  (regardless of whether HE had an actual 'vote' in the matters)

NOTHING about her choices relating to your daughter then or now ever reflected at all on any shortcomings (real or perceived by her) about you as a capable father.  She most likely didn't want to complicate her own then-relationship with the former husband.

Most decent people who perceive themselves to be reasonable judges of human character tend to hold in decent regard choices they made long ago and more recently.  This (mom) is at a point in her life where it surely does feel good to recognize (good things she's done)...  and nothing tops that daughter among the good things she's done...   and the daughter is made to seem even better in mom's eyes by recognizing that the biological father was a good guy too.

The (speech) was plenty sincere, and I think mom did a fine job of summarizing the whole equation...   (though perhaps the core of her having opted NOT to involve you in the daughter's life is NOT covered in that speech).

It is sort of touching that mom recognized from early on a number of the traits you and the daughter share.

Mom needs nothing more right now than to believe in her own mind that daughter is going to be all right when that time  comes...   (and it helps mom a great deal toward that end when mom tells herself that YOU are still a great guy)

 

PS - OK about the curry... but did you have a box of cookies and a box of Hershey's Kisses in the cupboard so the daughter could find a breakfast option she liked?

 

 

Edited May 4, 2020 by SincereOnlineGuy

[Ollie180]

23 hours ago, SincereOnlineGuy said:

NOTHING about her choices relating to your daughter then or now ever reflected at all on any shortcomings (real or perceived by her) about you as a capable father.  She most likely didn't want to complicate her own then-relationship with the former husband.

I think that yeah you’re right, I think they definitely played a role - I guess it all seemed to her that it would be less “messy” to set up with him.

To be fair, I think the reasons she gave me, are the same reasons she gave me for splitting up with me at the time of our breakup. I think now she’s rolling it all into one - but it’s neither here nor there really, it is what it is, and we are where we are!

23 hours ago, SincereOnlineGuy said:

It is sort of touching that mom recognized from early on a number of the traits you and the daughter share.

Mom needs nothing more right now than to believe in her own mind that daughter is going to be all right when that time  comes...   (and it helps mom a great deal toward that end when mom tells herself that YOU are still a great guy)

I kinda like that thought.. that all those years ago when I was half the world away without a clue about any of this, DD was our there somewhere reminding her mum of me! Even if it’s just a tiny second of “damn she reminds me of Ollie180” ...that kinda makes me feel like I was a part of her life in a really tiny way!

Oh for sure! To come looking for me after all this time, and tell DD the truth - they were both brave things to do!

23 hours ago, SincereOnlineGuy said:

PS - OK about the curry... but did you have a box of cookies and a box of Hershey's Kisses in the cupboard so the daughter could find a breakfast option she liked?

You can’t really get them over here!! ...it’s all about the Coco Pops at breakfast time 👌🏻 (Which I do always have stocked up haha)

...but I actually ended up making her a french toast bacon butty (...can you tell cooking for people I love is like my thing? I probably feed the poor kid a weeks worth of food in two days 🤣🤣)

 

[chillii]

Really happy that you've found each other op and fantastic that she's found her dad , really is.  Breaks my heart with all the separated kids in the world these days really does.

My daughters 19 and l don't think you have to worry so much about being a good dad yaknow. You know, you love your children you always make sure she feels that , that's a huge security to kids most important thing if you ask me , be good to them , be there for them spend time together it doesn't have to be all this out there doin shyt just because your a part time dad stuff, just time together is the important thing. As far as the business end yaknow , it kinda takes care of itself mostly , things come up and you do or respond at the time to what you think is best , but 15 yaknow she's coming into her own from here it's more a guidance thing now .  We still get stuck now and then , l've asked a few things here or friends too now and then but thankfully the most of it comes pretty natural imo probably even in your case.

Anyway big congrats on finding your daughter and thank god it was before she got any older , great stuff , treasure her eh.

Edited May 6, 2020 by chillii

[Ollie180]

On 5/6/2020 at 2:18 PM, chillii said:

Really happy that you've found each other op and fantastic that she's found her dad , really is.  Breaks my heart with all the separated kids in the world these days really does.

Thanks mate!

Yeah me too! I know first hand what it is to not have parents in your life, there no way I’d of ever knowingly gone this long not being there for my kid y’know! 
 

On 5/6/2020 at 2:18 PM, chillii said:

My daughters 19 and l don't think you have to worry so much about being a good dad yaknow. You know, you love your children you always make sure she feels that , that's a huge security to kids most important thing if you ask me , be good to them , be there for them spend time together it doesn't have to be all this out there doin shyt just because your a part time dad stuff, just time together is the important thing. As far as the business end yaknow , it kinda takes care of itself mostly , things come up and you do or respond at the time to what you think is best , but 15 yaknow she's coming into her own from here it's more a guidance thing now .  We still get stuck now and then , l've asked a few things here or friends too now and then but thankfully the most of it comes pretty natural imo probably even in your case.

Yeah yeah I hear you! It’s not “parenting” in the way you do with little kids... particularly me being so new in her life! ...I’m just sort of following her lead at the moment, and just trying to be there for her really!

Shes quite a 15-going-on-25 type tbf, but I know that like she’s got a rough time coming in the not too distant future. I just want to build as much of a relationship with her as possible before that if I can, so that I can better be there for her then I guess!

 

[chillii]

2 hours ago, Ollie180 said:

Thanks mate!

Yeah me too! I know first hand what it is to not have parents in your life, there no way I’d of ever knowingly gone this long not being there for my kid y’know! 
 

Yeah yeah I hear you! It’s not “parenting” in the way you do with little kids... particularly me being so new in her life! ...I’m just sort of following her lead at the moment, and just trying to be there for her really!

Shes quite a 15-going-on-25 type tbf, but I know that like she’s got a rough time coming in the not too distant future. I just want to build as much of a relationship with her as possible before that if I can, so that I can better be there for her then I guess!

 

 

Yeah funny isn't it , that's it , but anyway yeah perfect mate that's all the most important thing for her , you'll be great , good luck.

[Ollie180]

On 5/8/2020 at 12:26 AM, chillii said:

Yeah funny isn't it , that's it , but anyway yeah perfect mate that's all the most important thing for her , you'll be great , good luck.

Thank you mate!! 

[Ellener]

On 5/5/2020 at 5:01 PM, Ollie180 said:

I kinda like that thought.. that all those years ago when I was half the world away without a clue about any of this, DD was our there somewhere reminding her mum of me! Even if it’s just a tiny second of “damn she reminds me of Ollie180” ...that kinda makes me feel like I was a part of her life in a really tiny way!

Tennyson's Ulysses poem: 'I am a part of all that I have met, all experience is an arch wherethrough gleams that untravelled world whose margins fade forever and forever when we move'

( something like that, quoting from a forty year old memory of learning it! ) 

Life is an amazing journey, even when we can't see where we're going!

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((( ))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

[Ollie180]

22 hours ago, Ellener said:

Tennyson's Ulysses poem: 'I am a part of all that I have met, all experience is an arch wherethrough gleams that untravelled world whose margins fade forever and forever when we move'

( something like that, quoting from a forty year old memory of learning it! ) 

Life is an amazing journey, even when we can't see where we're going!

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((( ))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Ah that’s great, I like that!

Sometimes life feels messy, but it’s always clearer in the rear view mirror!
 

[Ollie180]

I had a ‘virtual’ meeting with my ex and DD’s school today. 

I picked them up some shopping and then said I’d do the meeting from ex’s house - I kind of wanted to check in because I got the impression from DD this weekend her mum was having more ‘bad days’, she mentioned being conceded her mum wasn’t eating properly.

Gotta be honest, I didn’t expect her to be as weak as she was! Kinda shocked me a bit! And I just felt sad tbf, sad for her, sad for DD! 
It does worry me as well... their hospital appts are mostly pushed back because of COVID, and lockdown means without friends being able to go over like that leaves a lot of the weight on DD!

The school chat with her head of year was good though, it was nice to introduce myself, and she was nice. Said DD needs to focus more to achieve what her potential is, but that given her current home situation they would have expected a drop in quality of her work and actually they haven’t seen that thus far, which they were pleased about but mostly she just talked about how they as a school want to support her as much as they can. She said she wants us and DD to be very aware of that because they don’t find DD will express her feelings very much with them. I think it’s good we spoke to them though, so they know who I am and not just some random!

[Ellener]

2 hours ago, Ollie180 said:

I had a ‘virtual’ meeting with my ex and DD’s school today. 

I picked them up some shopping and then said I’d do the meeting from ex’s house - I kind of wanted to check in because I got the impression from DD this weekend her mum was having more ‘bad days’, she mentioned being conceded her mum wasn’t eating properly.

Gotta be honest, I didn’t expect her to be as weak as she was! Kinda shocked me a bit! And I just felt sad tbf, sad for her, sad for DD! 
It does worry me as well... their hospital appts are mostly pushed back because of COVID, and lockdown means without friends being able to go over like that leaves a lot of the weight on DD!

The school chat with her head of year was good though, it was nice to introduce myself, and she was nice. Said DD needs to focus more to achieve what her potential is, but that given her current home situation they would have expected a drop in quality of her work and actually they haven’t seen that thus far, which they were pleased about but mostly she just talked about how they as a school want to support her as much as they can. She said she wants us and DD to be very aware of that because they don’t find DD will express her feelings very much with them. I think it’s good we spoke to them though, so they know who I am and not just some random!

Thinking of you all (((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((( ))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

[Ollie180]

Had a good long chat with an ex gf of mine (broke up or maybe more ‘took a break’ (can’t say that without thinking of rachel & Ross 🙈) last autumn).

She is feeling she’s in more of a place where she’s able to say to me (and to herself) that a reconciliation could be possible for us. (For context here, a reconciliation has been what I wanted from the day we split up. She’s the girl I always believed I would(and should) wife).

Only, a lot has changed for me since the autumn! Which doesn’t change the way I feel about her, but does change me from being willing to jump in feet first, to being someone who knows it’s very important to be very deliberate and very cautious.. I don’t want to bring any additional instability to DD’s life and that’s not something that I will do..

That said, I’ve broached the subject of my ex with DD, her response being “well, I didn’t think you were a priest Ollie180” (and that I could do worst - charming 🙄).

I’ve obviously also spoken EXTENSIVELY about my daughter to my ex. She is super keen to meet DD (if/when I say that’s okay)... which I do think is important because.. as much as I love the girl, being a good dad is the most important thing to me right now.. so I wouldn’t progress anything if DD wasn’t happy..
 

Any advice for making an introduction? I guess any introduction between teenagers & potential partners.. but also this is a more sensitive situation, me being quite a new addition to DD’s life and her mums health being poor.. (and if I’m honest, I think deteriorating recently, which I guess is another thing in itself..)

 

 

General, unrelated, update on my thread though.. being having DD to stay every weekend which has been super nice! It feels very comfortable now!  And we finished ‘decorating’ her room this weekend, which seems super happy with (although it’s actually surprising anything else fits in the room after sheer amount of cushions, house plants & string lights)!

[SincereOnlineGuy]

7 hours ago, Ollie180 said:

Had a good long chat with an ex gf of mine (broke up or maybe more ‘took a break’ (can’t say that without thinking of rachel & Ross 🙈) last autumn).

She is feeling she’s in more of a place where she’s able to say to me (and to herself) that a reconciliation could be possible for us. (For context here, a reconciliation has been what I wanted from the day we split up. She’s the girl I always believed I would(and should) wife).

Only, a lot has changed for me since the autumn! Which doesn’t change the way I feel about her, but does change me from being willing to jump in feet first, to being someone who knows it’s very important to be very deliberate and very cautious.. I don’t want to bring any additional instability to DD’s life and that’s not something that I will do..

That said, I’ve broached the subject of my ex with DD, her response being “well, I didn’t think you were a priest Ollie180” (and that I could do worst - charming 🙄).

I’ve obviously also spoken EXTENSIVELY about my daughter to my ex. She is super keen to meet DD (if/when I say that’s okay)... which I do think is important because.. as much as I love the girl, being a good dad is the most important thing to me right now.. so I wouldn’t progress anything if DD wasn’t happy..
 

Any advice for making an introduction? I guess any introduction between teenagers & potential partners.. but also this is a more sensitive situation, me being quite a new addition to DD’s life and her mums health being poor.. (and if I’m honest, I think deteriorating recently, which I guess is another thing in itself..)

 

 

General, unrelated, update on my thread though.. being having DD to stay every weekend which has been super nice! It feels very comfortable now!  And we finished ‘decorating’ her room this weekend, which seems super happy with (although it’s actually surprising anything else fits in the room after sheer amount of cushions, house plants & string lights)!

 

Beginning with the easy stuff:

 

It has to be... mind boggling (merely for it's randomness)  when a young person's room goes from zero to complete-ish   in...  a weekend or six.

 

It only feels pristine when it evolves over a lifetime... (or at least a childhood).

(and heaven help anybody who has the idea of moving  to a new home)

 

Now...      you've got a doozy all of a sudden...

 

I will from this point forward recognize completely that the woman of whom you speak is no less than a "Winnie Cooper"   (and if you can use Ross and Rachel, I can use Winnie Cooper) by any measure.

 

OH, important consideration:   how long had you been together with the ex girlfriend?????

 

Next thought...  it can't hurt at all for you to speak your mind fully about your visions and intentions with regard to your daughter, and for being there as a supportive parent through what is very likely going to be another traumatic time for DD.   (because every bit of it should  enhance your stature in the mind and eyes of Winnie Cooper ).

 

And on the grand scale, to have acquired this new daughter as you did... without in any way your being, or being represented as  "the bad guy"  puts you well ahead of others who have at some point needed to mesh a love interest with a child of theirs.

 

In a way... (much as before)... the cards  are stacked well-enough in your favor...   Winnie Cooper will be excited to see (and notice aloud)  that    "(She has your knack for leaving the milk out)"...      "(she... drinks straight from the shared milk carton - just like you do!)"  ...  "( oh and she HATES the most oft-requested, and highly-revered dinner specialty that mamma Cooper just LOVES to make for us every time we eat with them, juuuuuuuuuust like YOU do!)"   "(... this is SO sweet)".

 

To Winnie Cooper, the first meeting and its aftermath will be much like the old American tradition that was collecting baseball cards...    a picture on the front and a whole trove of details about that person  on the back.   The specifics OF the details mattering less somehow than does the fact that these are their unique details.

 

Yet another very unique experience you get to have.  But where in most typical cases of a mere romantic interest of a single parent soon to meet a child OF that parent, there is a tradition (if not a 'need')  for retaining traditional boundaries  in their respective roles:

(those most typically centering around:        "I think it's too soon for you to try to replace our mommy"      as well as:     "(this young person has been a constraint on my life for these weeks/months since we've known one another... and now I need to interact with her and ACT like I care, while subtly marking my territory as if to convey:   "I'm gonna be spending a LOT more time here, so get used to it)".

 

IN THIS case...  I wonder if...    it's best to subtly approach the situation as IF one were introducing two adults to one another with the possibility being that they may soon be working together...  cuz it's SO different...

 

(still eager to know how long you were dating Winnie Cooper )

 

The daughter has an automatic  history with you, with respect to DNA... as well as a rightful expectation  going forward...   (for you to make anything at all of this remarkable new discovery)...   and Winnie Cooper has a considerable history with you too.

 

Winnie Cooper  presumably knows you very well...  such that  "first impressions" were LONG ago...    (she already knows that you leave stinky socks next to the couch, and that your favorite breakfast cereal is mini Pop Tarts)...  AND she knows intuitively  of your considerable surprise  in this new life addition (based on whatever perspective you had 9 months ago now being SO appropriately different).   There's no chance that you're the kind of guy who'd been instead hiding  this giant part of your life (and she is certain of that).

 

MISSING (though not sorely) in all of this is that Winnie Cooper never had to witness bratty, irrational kid stuff delivered from the role now occupied by this daughter in her mid-teens... and they COULD  bond  in such a unique way...   the most significant part of which MIGHT not be evident until perhaps the daughter really needs support  delivered perhaps in ways that only a woman can convey.

 

So with each already belonging  in your life  (fully independently, which is the odd part)...   I just wonder if to introduce both from the frame of mind which recognizes each as a respectful adult (for purposes limited to their early-ish interaction...  and not limiting Winnie Cooper's future role in policing curfew on prom night)...  might do best for each individual AND for fostering the ideal dynamic between everyone as you all move forward.  (and perhaps that is the best way to inspire time  to keep the daughter's mom from hearing even the slightest harsh critique about Winnie Cooper, which would be still another comfort for all involved)

 

Beyond that, and as it relates to any two people meeting for the first time...      bringing the mind of each as near to what/who is to be expected  when they actually meet  is likely best for all involved as well.   "she said she'll be wearing a pink dress, with a purple bow in her hair, and carrying a black briefcase".     (just avoiding surprises, and subtly having the mind of each more near to *expecting*  exactly who shows up before their eyes...  is a good goal)

 

I expect that the new light in which Winnie Cooper  gets to see you...   will BE a considerable bonus by every available measure.

 

 

(don't forget to tell me how long you've known Winnie Cooper )

 

 

 

 

 

[Ellener]

If it were me I'd talk to daughter's mum too. 

[Ollie180]

17 hours ago, SincereOnlineGuy said:

It has to be... mind boggling (merely for it's randomness)  when a young person's room goes from zero to complete-ish   in...  a weekend or six.

Yeah, I didn’t really think about it like that.. I guess so!

17 hours ago, SincereOnlineGuy said:

OH, important consideration:   how long had you been together with the ex girlfriend?????

Before we split, 3 years. Lived together for most of that time as well tbh, met her abroad, when she went back to the U.K. I moved back to be with her. She’s a bit younger than me, she’s 29.

17 hours ago, SincereOnlineGuy said:

Next thought...  it can't hurt at all for you to speak your mind fully about your visions and intentions with regard to your daughter, and for being there as a supportive parent through what is very likely going to be another traumatic time for DD.   (because every bit of it should  enhance your stature in the mind and eyes of Winnie Cooper ).

...

In a way... (much as before)... the cards  are stacked well-enough in your favor...   Winnie Cooper will be excited to see (and notice aloud)  that    "(She has your knack for leaving the milk out)"...      "(she... drinks straight from the shared milk carton - just like you do!)"  ...  "( oh and she HATES the most oft-requested, and highly-revered dinner specialty that mamma Cooper just LOVES to make for us every time we eat with them, juuuuuuuuuust like YOU do!)"   "(... this is SO sweet)".

I think you’re right on both points. My ex (Winnie cooper to you 😜) phoned me when she heard about everything that’s happened re me and DD via a mutual friend. She said to me the other day that it kind of made her realise how strong she does still fill, because rather than feeling ‘it’s nothing to do with her’ as you might expect if an ex, what she actually felt was that it didn’t feel right that this huge thing was happening in my life and she wasn’t involved and we weren’t working it out together.

She also I think is keen to meet her because she wants to see if she sees as much of me in DD as everyone else around us seems too

 

Thing is, the person I’m worried about isnt really my ex! She’s NOT someone to make decisions lightly or say things she hasn’t extensively thought through, and I also know that she’s very capable deciding what’s right for her and looking after herself.... The person I worry about is DD.

Which is maybe stupid, because she didn’t seem bothered when I mentioned my ex. I just.. I don’t want to rock the boat in anyway, I don’t want to do anything that makes her feel any less stable.. I’m so conscious of the amount of upheaval in her life over the last few months, and how she’s only got more of that to come with her mum.

I want her to know she’s always number one!

But, I don’t know, I do think as well that she probably would really get on with my ex, which maybe would be nice to be fair! 
 

17 hours ago, SincereOnlineGuy said:

So with each already belonging  in your life  (fully independently, which is the odd part)...   I just wonder if to introduce both from the frame of mind which recognizes each as a respectful adult (for purposes limited to their early-ish interaction...  and not limiting Winnie Cooper's future role in policing curfew on prom night)...  might do best for each individual AND for fostering the ideal dynamic between everyone as you all move forward. 

...

Beyond that, and as it relates to any two people meeting for the first time...      bringing the mind of each as near to what/who is to be expected  when they actually meet  is likely best for all involved as well.   "she said she'll be wearing a pink dress, with a purple bow in her hair, and carrying a black briefcase".     (just avoiding surprises, and subtly having the mind of each more near to *expecting*  exactly who shows up before their eyes...  is a good goal)

Yeah I hear you! I think that makes sense! She’s 15, I think she deserves to be treated like an adult on this... I don’t know whether I’d be better to let them meet ‘low pressure’ with me and the ex (your Winnie Cooper) still as “mates”, Rather than like “hey, DD meet my gf”.....but maybe I’m wrong, maybe the better thing is to show are more united “strong and stable” front, maybe that’s actually better, not sure!
 

[Ollie180]

6 hours ago, Ellener said:

If it were me I'd talk to daughter's mum too. 

Yeah i definitely would talk to her first! My ex said she thinks it would be nice for her to meet DD’s mum as well... which I think would be important to do at some stage!

Thing is I haven’t actually told her yet, because I know what she’ll say!! She’ll think it’s a good thing! She’ll think that me being in a ‘settled relationship’ (PARTICULARLY with someone like my ex) means that I’m more “settled”. 

(But i feel maybe that sells me just a little bit short! ..I’m not a guy that’s ever taken his responsibilities to other people lightly, like, I don’t let people down!! And i would always, and will always be, everything that DD needs me to be.. regardless of everything else!)

Anyway, I feel like as soon as I tell her she’ll jump the gun! I feel awful saying this because she’s her mum, and she’s an amazing fantastic mum, but I feel like she might.. rush DD more than I would... I see a lot of young Ollie180 in DD, and I always hated feeling ‘swept’ into anything...

...BUT I’ve been a dad five mins in comparison to her, maybe I’m wrong.. maybe my leaning to a softly softly approach, of wanting to introduce them really casually and little by little, maybe that is too laid back, too wish washy.. maybe teenagers need a cleaner cut, simpler picture..... if people think that is the case? then honestly I am SO open to hearing it!! I’m not fixed to either approach so my mind is totally up for being changed haha!

[Ellener]

Be guided by the kid! 

You're doing great (((((((((((((((((((((((((( ))))))))))))))))))))))))))

[Ollie180]

5 minutes ago, Ellener said:

Be guided by the kid! 

You're doing great (((((((((((((((((((((((((( ))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Yeah... maybe I should just ask her to be fair, rather than try to second guess her!! 🙈

Thank you, I appreciate 😊

[SincereOnlineGuy]

Indeed I get  that  "DD" is the main concern.    (mostly the reason why I mentioned treating DD as an adult  in this arena... rather than, say, dumbing-down Winnie Cooper, to an unneeded kid tone...   as one is more respectful  to DD, and the other somewhat disrespectful to DD)

 

I am guessing that Winnie Cooper was... thrilled  from the core of her maternal instincts just to clearly sense and see that you have been so responsive to this new challenge, and I sense that jarred her into realizing that you are so much more than she'd earlier sensed.  This new discovery in your life has just been a ("zero to 16 years in about 2 months" )  inspiration for you to have put your finest foot forward, and Winnie Cooper is drinking it all up.

 

 

At least, with 3 years behind your rekindling relationship...  (the daughter's mom) won't seem an awkward pressure  onto Winnie Cooper (that Winnie should race right out and speed life, and your renewed relationship, along) as could be a concern were it a woman you'd just met.

 

There is such good "foundation" all around, that I think you will sail through on every count.    I don't even know of any element of particular concern (other than that which is beyond the realm which you {or any of us} can control).

 

Who knows?   The choice to have Winnie and DD interact as 'adults' now might somehow help in a year or two when facing another of life's harsh realities.    (expressing, and listening  and expressing and listening  will be priceless at moments you won't be able to precisely predict in advance)  (the conditioning  for that begins shortly)

 

 

[Pumaza]

The mom is wrong and so her parents ifvthey knew the baby was yours. They should have told you back then.
Let her kniw how you feel and that she is wrong hidding it till now.

Then let it go forgive her.

And focus on your kid. Get a DNA test so there wont be more bs.

And just do stuff with the kid.Get to know her. And get a therapist to guide you true this.

She is still a kid. so you still can teach her alot.

[Ellener]

22 hours ago, Ollie180 said:

 🙈

Thank you, 

thank you, I love reading this beautiful thread...

Do you watch Netflix? I used to watch so much comedy with my son as a teen. 

[Ollie180]

21 hours ago, SincereOnlineGuy said:

Indeed I get  that  "DD" is the main concern.    (mostly the reason why I mentioned treating DD as an adult  in this arena... rather than, say, dumbing-down Winnie Cooper, to an unneeded kid tone...   as one is more respectful  to DD, and the other somewhat disrespectful to DD)

Yeah yeah I hear you! She’s old enough to understand!

21 hours ago, SincereOnlineGuy said:

I am guessing that Winnie Cooper was... thrilled  from the core of her maternal instincts just to clearly sense and see that you have been so responsive to this new challenge, and I sense that jarred her into realizing that you are so much more than she'd earlier sensed.  This new discovery in your life has just been a ("zero to 16 years in about 2 months" )  inspiration for you to have put your finest foot forward, and Winnie Cooper is drinking it all up.

At least, with 3 years behind your rekindling relationship...  (the daughter's mom) won't seem an awkward pressure  onto Winnie Cooper (that Winnie should race right out and speed life, and your renewed relationship, along) as could be a concern were it a woman you'd just met.

There is such good "foundation" all around, that I think you will sail through on every count.    I don't even know of any element of particular concern (other than that which is beyond the realm which you {or any of us} can control).

Yeah you’re right, you’re right! I was probably just over thinking to be honest!
I think I’ll wait till Saturday when DD is here and then I’ll have a chat with her, see what she says and then maybe set up a casual meeting in the next week or so!

21 hours ago, SincereOnlineGuy said:

Who knows?   The choice to have Winnie and DD interact as 'adults' now might somehow help in a year or two when facing another of life's harsh realities.   

Yeah, I mean hopefully! ..It might be nice for DD, for ‘girl chat’ and whatever!