Fight Over Weight Gain

[Art_Critic]

Luckily I’m now close to my normal size again three years later but if I had a partner and he was thinking only of himself and his wants, needs and desires at that time I’d tell him to go pound sand.

 

That's kind of where my head is at too.. just a very selfish position and one based off of pleasure rather than love.

 

If the OP loved her he would be supportive of her rather than judgmental.

 

I think he needs to break it off with her to save any lack of self esteem this will cause in her from here on out, she will feel like shiot every moment she is in this relationship from here on out.

 

Does he have to live with it, no but he sure needs to be selfless not selfish with her in this particular issue.

[thatgirl10000]

That's kind of where my head is at too.. just a very selfish position and one based off of pleasure rather than love.

 

I agree, but at the same time, they haven’t been together long enough to establish unconditional love. If they’ve been together for years, and the OP is doing this, then I would call him an a$$. But it’s only been 6 months...that’s really nothing. At 6 months, a lot of what a relationship about is still physical, and I think the OP can’t be blamed for what he is and is not sexually attracted to.

 

OP, if you’ve truly hit an impasse, maybe it’s time to let this go so she and you can both find someone else who can fulfill your respective needs and wants.

Edited March 23, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[littleblackheart]

I never really understand these threads. OP, do you need social validation for dumping your gf because of her weight?

You can't force her into changing her eating habits, you've already lost her attraction to her and, apparently, also your patience.

 

As others pointed out, it would be a bit cruel to stay with her and wait for things to change.

[OatsAndHall]

For all of those who have stated I'm "selfish", what would you suggest I do when I cannot become physically aroused with her now? How do you think the fight started in the first place? We tried to have sex one night but I couldn't stay aroused long enough for either of us to enjoy it. This is not a matter of CHOICE. I CANNOT physically perform now that she has gained the weight. I have never had any issues in bed in the past.

 

 

 

I've remained with her because I care about her and I enjoy our time together. I tried to work through things in my head because of of those two facts but the hurdle remains; I can't perform with her in bed anymore because of the weight she has gained.

[preraph]

It's over. She'd have to be made of steel to still want to have sex once that was out in the open. Your bond just isn't big enough to overcome that, and that's okay. It's still early days and no reason to stay. It's still just as much your problem as hers, though. It's both of you. She has a weight problem and likely always will, no matter what she does, and you have a weight problem and may have trouble growing old with someone because no one is young and pretty forever. That's okay too. She's just never going to feel sexy with you again in all likelihood, but you don't feel sexy with her, so it's a wrap if that was the main thing keeping you two together.

[Gretchen12]

They have only been together 6 months. This is dating. He is not expected to love her now, not real unconditional love at 6 months. And they are not partners.

 

amayzngrace i think your situation was different. This woman is caring for her mother but doesn't mean she's going through the same as you did. This woman is dating and wanting to have sex. She is not in a long term committed relationship with a partner.

 

of course everyone handles stress differently. when i was in your situation amayzngrace, i wasn't getting much sleep and had no appetite and certainly no desire to date and have sex. So I still think this woman is ending the relationship with Oats in her own way.

[chillii]

Ahh, man just not attracted would've been enough we can put it together from there.

Anyway l have a real thing with this sorta stuff myself it was a long time problem with my ex w.

l just don't buy all the excuses and guilt trippin myself. Matter of fact l find it offensive because to me it's like she doesn't respect me or us enough to keep in shape, and then l'd start losing respect but the excuses still just never end with this sort of thing in my experience.

lt also really pisses me off this getting into shape thing as soon as she's single too but whammo 6mths into a new thing and it's to hell with it stuff, it's like you've been scammed.

So it's been one of my biggest insistances since because l'm just not dealing with it all again now, know how it all goes all too well.

So although l am actually to the extreme about the person but yaknow, you've just gotta have that too.

And then there's the fact that l keep in shape myself through whatever's going on in life so l expect the same in return.

 

l dunno , 20 or 30 pounds sounds like a lot and that'd do it for me for sure, my gf knows when she puts on 1 kg,,,, 1 , and that puppys gone again in days.

love that about her and she's never changed, matter of fact she looks after herself more than ever.

Edited March 22, 2019 by chillii

[2much4]

TBH I don't blame you. There are some things you are attracted to others not so much...

 

A lot of people will tell you if you really love someone, it won't matter to you what they look like. I disagree. Imagine you were in a relationship with a woman, who wants to have a sex change. While you might still love the person, you might not be attracted to her anymore... because you just aren't into male genitalia. Most people wouldn't call you a selfish jerk for not being able to stay with her.

 

If you are not into obese women, that's ok. Don't beat yourself up about it and break up with her.

[Curiousroxy86]

I've remained with her because I care about her and I enjoy our time together. I tried to work through things in my head because of of those two facts but the hurdle remains; I can't perform with her in bed anymore because of the weight she has gained.

 

The fact you don't find her weight gain attractive is NOT my issue. My issue with this post is you choosing to stay with her after you made it clear you don't find her attractive anymore. You say your not making demands but the fact that your staying with her and not having sex with her and revealed your decreased attraction for her kinda seems like passive aggressive manipulation. She can't get loving unless she lose the weight. She can't get her mans desire unless she lose weight. She has to lose the weight to get her boyfriend to act like a boyfriend again? No! If it's that bad that you don't find her attractive and don't want to have sex with her and you know damn well your not willing to compromise on sex and attraction then You simply don't need to be her boyfriend anymore.

 

You should be with someone you can maintain attraction for and she needs to find someone who wants her in that way. Yea you may not verbally make demands but you know this is what your requiring deep down. If your thinking if she doesn't lose this weight I'm going to leave her yet staying with her to soak up all the other benefits you get from being with her then your in the wrong. If you staying with her but can't bring yourself to be a giving partner to her then your in the wrong. Don't misunderstand me. Your not wrong for feeling how you feel. But trying to stay with her while feeling like that is wrong. no one should be in a relationship with someone who thinks like that about them.

 

Staying with someone depending on their change hardly ever works. You stay because you accept and willing to compromise on what is. When a man or women gets a belly, begins to bald and/or turn grey, and wrinkle some people stay and some people go. The people that stay either didn't lose attraction or if they did they were willing to compromise on attraction/sex. What you DONT do is stay knowing full well that your going to breakup/cheat if she doesn't change. Especially when she haven't made any promises that she will lose weight for you.

 

Let me point you to this thread where I gave a woman the same exact advice about her boyfriend that was good to her but too needy to want to marry him. Same concept. She wasn't wrong for finding him too needy and not wanting to marry but she is wrong for staying with him feeling that way especially if he wants marriage.

 

https://www.loveshack.org/forums/general/general-relationship-discussion/679891-needy-boyfriend-2.html#post7758723

[preraph]

All I know is that old BFs I used to find attractive (I'm 66 so back in my late 20s and early 30s), they have all obviously aged, but I am still able to remember them as they were and find attraction for them. Not sure everyone is like that, but if I loved them, I still see them that way. You do see old couples who will say they still see them that way. That's what love can do.

[Lotsgoingon]

Trust me brother: you do NOT want to continue this conversation. I've never known a couple where a talking about one partner's weight issues solved anything.

 

The best thing you can do for her ... is to accept her ... but I'm not saying you should ignore your lost attraction ... I'm simply saying staying in the relationship and talking about weight ... man, that never works ... if the man is big and it definitely does not work if the woman is the one with the weight issue.

 

Most likely she was heavier before you met her? ... You caught her at an unusual low? ... and then the stress increased ...

 

If you can't see your weigh or lust your way around the weight gain, let her go.

[Cersei]

I give kudos to the OP for his honesty. People don't always want the truth because it's too hard to hear. I think it's safe to assume this relatioship is over. I think he should end it with her. It will give her more time to deal with her issues too. (her Mom and if she chooses to her weight as well)

 

OP best of luck. Keep us posted.

[basil67]

I told her that her weight gain is at the heart of the issue. She became upset (as would be expected) and but I told her that I wasn't intentionally trying to avoid sex; the desire has waned since she has put on the weight. I told her that I wish I have the same desire for her that I used to but, biologically, I just don't.

 

Yep, that was never going to end well.

[Scarlett.O'hara]

The conversation wasn't pleasant and I kept my composure until she called me a " f-ing judgemental a--hole". I told her that the comment was out of line, I hadn't intentionally said anything judgmental or hurtful.

 

How were your comments any better? All she would have heard was that you find her unf**** now because of her appearance. How many women (or men for that matter) are going to react calmly to that?

 

What you said was both extremely judgmental and hurtful to her. I'm amazed that you can't see that. Being that blunt with women is a recipe for disaster.

 

You can't help what arouses you, I get that. I even wouldn't blame you for discreetly ending the relationship because of it. But it's like you were deliberately punishing her for it by informing her that was the reason, which was unnecessarily cruel in my opinion. You hurt her, and I can guarantee you those words will haunt her for a very long time.

 

You know the woman you are getting now, and her weight will likely fluctuate throughout her life. Likewise, now she knows the man she is getting, and your attraction will be conditional on her weight and you will be blunt about it.

 

I'm sure there are still good points that you like about each other but this is clearly a fundamental deal breaker. I think it would be best for both of you to move on.

[FMW]

You can't help what turns you on or off. I don't think you're selfish, I think you're being honest. You haven't been together long. I think it's probably in the best interest of both of you to end it now.

 

She clearly has some issues to deal with (such a rapid weight gain doesn't happen without medical or emotional issues), but you probably aren't the one to help her work through it. I'm an emotional eater, I can sympathize with her, but I wouldn't expect a BF of only 6 months to stick with me. I also would never want anything to do with him again in the future if he left me because of it, but that might not be a concern you have.

 

On a side note, I read this post a few hours ago and immediately got up and put on my sweats and walking shoes and headed outdoors. So..... thanks?

[preraph]

She'll end up finding a guy who will accept her as she is. I worked with a girl who had rolls of fat and wore tight thin clothes which I thought looked awful.

She was still just in her 20s and she always had a boyfriend. I think it depends more on personality than anything. Some guys don't care that much, especially if you have some boobs. She always had a lot of friends around and parties and boyfriends and she was probably fatter than your ex-girlfriend. Best you were honest though. No point in getting in any deeper.

[Highndry]

This is just my opinion as a guy:

 

It's a very delicate subject to get into with a woman, and tact is of the utmost importance. I would have never brought the sex part into it, even though the truth was you were not as attracted to her physically. I would have approached it from a health and lifestyle standpoint, and if she wasn't willing to address it and make some effort I would have kindly broken up with her.

 

By telling her you weren't attracted to her anymore, you did damage that I believe is not reversible. She will never forget that (a woman NEVER forgets), so at this point the relationship is as good as dead. She'll never like you as much or enjoy sex with you as much as she used to. You just can't put that genie back into the bottle.

[LivingWaterPlease]

By telling her you weren't attracted to her anymore, you did damage that I believe is not reversible. She will never forget that (a woman NEVER forgets), so at this point the relationship is as good as dead. She'll never like you as much or enjoy sex with you as much as she used to. You just can't put that genie back into the bottle.

 

But they're not having sex anymore due to his lack of desire for her which has affected his ability to perform. So whether or not she'll enjoy sex as much as she used to is a moot point.

 

It seems from his post he's realizes the R is at an impasse and that's the reason he's posted. Not sure if you missed that part. The reason this issue came up is because he can no longer perform with her.

 

In this case it's an attraction issue not a health issue.

Edited March 23, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[chillii]

Doesn't matter if your not honest about a problem then how can it be solved or go anywhere.

what would you rather someone faked it, l'd hate someone faking it with me.

Wouldn't bother me at all if l was over weight and she asked me to lose a bit , pretty obvious to my mind.

And all this if you love me bla bla , sometimes yes sometimes no but if it's a no it's just not happening l;d be thinking well if you love me you'll trim it back a bit.

 

ANyway , nothing has to be over , if you love each other all she has to do is stop piggen out and lose a bit of weight. l can drop 5kg in 2weeks no drama and l'm happy too .

l mean my ex , she did have a weight problem ,it wasn't really her fault in that way some people put it on at the sight of food and the older she got , welllll. Bit of a tougher situation in those cases admittedly.

But yours she was in good shape 6mths ago and she could easily be there again in 6wks all she has to do is stop stuffin her face, seems she'd rather stuff that than other areas., so be it.

Don't get what the hassle is on her part.

Edited March 23, 2019 by chillii

[Curiousroxy86]

But they're not having sex anymore due to his lack of desire for her which has affected his ability to perform. So whether or not she'll enjoy sex as much as she used to is a moot point.

 

 

I would agree if his post was my girlfriend gain weight and I dont find it attractive and im thinking of breaking up with her should I? but his post pretty much is my girlfriend gained weight I dont find it attractive and im trying to figure out how to make it work though it seems to not be working....so this man still cares somewhat about making it work (its not going to work IMO) but this man still trying to stay in this relationship based on what he posted.

 

its moot in terms of what high said. he wont be able to put that genie back in a bottle but also its moot in terms of they truly are incompatible at this point and wont see eye to eye on this issue thats important to both of them for different reasons.....

[Lorenza]

You could have just broken up with her without completely destroying her self-esteem. I find people who put honesty above anything else insensitive and not very empathetic. Honesty is good when it can benefit the one on the receiving end and we do all need some tough love sometimes. But when you have someone with fluctuating weigh and emotional overeating, it's very unlikely they will gain anything from your honesty, except feeling inadaquate and hurt. Our coping mechanisms can only change taking up cognitive therapy. And taking that step must be taken by her own initiative.

 

I can guarantee, as someone already mentioned, there will be someone who accepts her with all the emotional eating, if she never decides to take up that issue with a therapist. Most people never do. So just let her go, she doesnt owe you arrousement just as you don't owe her anything either at this point.

[Curiousroxy86]

 

ANyway , nothing has to be over , if you love each other all she has to do is stop piggen out and lose a bit of weight. l can drop 5kg in 2weeks no drama and l'm happy too .

 

not that you or people who are judgy against those who gain weight care

 

but its not up to him though. weight loss is not mentally easy. your fighting love for food turned addiction, self esteem issues trying to accept yourself or at the least not getting depressed but know you need to do something about it and thats a hard battle within itself, the dislike for working out (people dont like to do things they dont enjoy you know) or maybe feeling too depressed to workout if at one point she did enjoy it.

 

to say her being fatter then she use to is about not not loving him enough to lose weight is a major oversimplification. its pretty insensitive and narrow minded imo to think that. being fatter is more so about whats going on inside of her. she is probably not happy herself about the weight she puts on but because its on her body and she has to look at her own self in the mirror in the mean time she has to fight disliking/hating what she sees and trying to love and accept her self all at the same time and believe in her beauty and fight shame from falling below society standards. and some people cant balance that effectively. now hearing her boyfriend tell her he dont want to stick his **** inside her because of it. I mean even if she loses the weight can you imagine the fear that will forever be inside of her in the relationship. I have to do things I dont enjoy just so my bf can f*ck me again. that thought is so depressing some people rather give up an eat a whole tub of ben and jerrys lmao. even if eating that whole tub would just encourage the problem..

 

you want a partner to WANT TO look sexy in the relationship. the problem with partners who let themselves go is if you tell them they are letting themselves go then you increase the chances of putting the dagger to the heart of that WANT TO. yea you were being honest but it doesnt help them wanting to get back sexy for you after you bruise ones ego. also if they are letting themselves go they no longer care about WANT TO because they are consumed with whatever is going on inside them thats tripping them up.

 

the only way weight loss whether in or out of a relationship works is that she has to want to lose the weight for herself to be happy. that decision isnt up to him. if he cant encourage her happiness (and honestly its not really his job to do so) she not going to lose the weight for him and imo she shouldnt lose it for him. and even if he does take the position of encouraging her happiness she still may not lose it. still her choice. at the same time he shouldnt stay if he is not happy with her anymore. he said it right. they are at an impasse. even if she did lose the weight for him she is still not going to feel good in the relationship. yes he would be happy and yes she would feel healthier and might gain some self esteem from being at an attractive weight but I imagine she would be sorely resentful, fearful, anxious, stressed, and depressed about her relationship with him. I dont think thats going to transfer a feeling of love and appreciation for him if she did lose the weight for him.

 

it is ideal to want a partner who tries to keep up their attractiveness in the relationship. nobody wants their partner to let themselves go. but its a slippery slope if its to the point you have to bruise your partners ego to get them to do something about it. they should do something about that on their own. and if you cant love, accept, and be an active partner with them through it then you got to let it go

 

at this point he should let her go and find someone who takes care of herself physically. she should let him go, lose the weight for herself if she wants, and find someone who accepts her as is and accepts her after she loses (if she even decides to lose it) and dont mind porking her through it all (unintentional pun)

 

OP yall are now incompatible. let it go.

[amaysngrace]

It seems what some are missing is that she’s caring for her mother. Losing weight can be challenging on its own, even tougher when it’s the farthest thing from your mind because living life is taxing enough. Not only are you responsible for caring for her health, which is huge if she’s ill, you’re responsible for two sets of bills now, two grocery orders, two homes to clean, not to mention prescriptions, appointments and insurance to deal with. What is she suppose to do when she’s with her mom, cook two meals? Or put her sick mom on a diet?

 

Honestly Oats, what you’ve done is you’ve kicked her when she’s down. I’m not sure if anyone else has said this already but I’ll say it because you appreciate honesty. I also think you owe her an apology.

[JuneL]

“What is she suppose to do when she’s with her mom, cook two meals? Or put her sick mom on a diet?”

 

In her case, I suspect just avoiding over-eating can go a long way. There is no need to go on a diet. If she can just eat whatever her mother is eating, she can lose quite a bit of weight.

 

That said, I know how incredibly hard it is for a long-term obese individual to lose weight. I was helping one such friend shed weight, and I ended up doing 90% of the work.

[amaysngrace]

Yea you’re right June. She should just add “eating less” on to her list of things to do.