JuneL Posted March 23, 2019 Share Posted March 23, 2019 (edited) Or “eat only when hungry”. I think many such individuals don’t have this concept. Edited March 23, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 1 Link to post Share on other sites
2much4 Posted March 23, 2019 Share Posted March 23, 2019 (edited) It seems what some are missing is that she’s caring for her mother. Losing weight can be challenging on its own, even tougher when it’s the farthest thing from your mind because living life is taxing enough. While I do agree she has a lot going on and has more important things to do than losing weight... Attraction is not a choice so at this point it's kind of useless to debate whether she should lose the weight or not...if OP isn't attracted to obese women he can't do anything about it. The relationship is pretty much over. Edited March 23, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
Cersei Posted March 23, 2019 Share Posted March 23, 2019 So many people gain weight when in a new relationship. It happens all the time. I don't know if for a lot of people it is a comfort zone thing to just let yourself go. People tend to go out and eat, watch movies with treats, and not follow a strict exercise routine when you are with someone new. I lost over 60 lbs between boyfriends. Let me tell you the sex is a million times better when you are smaller. I feel more confident in bed, I am more bendy and have more endurance. I wish I had smartened up and lost the weight years ago. I will never go back to obesity. When she is ready she will lose the weight. She knows she has packed on the pounds and feels awful about it. You need to step aside for now and find someone with a more active lifestyle like yours. You need someone who keeps you rock hard. She needs to focus on herself and her Mom. Apologize to her for sure but don't feel bad for bailing. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted March 23, 2019 Share Posted March 23, 2019 The relationship was pretty much over when he stopped being able to get it up. For him anyway. She was probably willing to be okay with it because she seems like a nice enough person from what he’s posted here. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted March 23, 2019 Share Posted March 23, 2019 You could have just broken up with her without completely destroying her self-esteem. So just let her go, she doesnt owe you arrousement just as you don't owe her anything either at this point. This exactly. Except I think you do owe her an apology. Link to post Share on other sites
chillii Posted March 23, 2019 Share Posted March 23, 2019 (edited) not that you or people who are judgy against those who gain weight care All to be expected but nope l wouldn't call it judge metal at all.l've been to hell and back but during that l found it helped to look after myself. Just took will power, not therapy. Matter of fact it's the first piece of advice experts will give you anyway. Maybe he should let her go , hell l don't know, it's up to them. lf your so concerned about her self esteem though, wouldn't being dumped because you put on a bit of weight do far more damage though anyway ? Edited March 23, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted March 23, 2019 Share Posted March 23, 2019 It's over bar the shouting, there is no coming back from this. You essentially stabbed her in the heart and are expecting her to keep on walking... Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted March 23, 2019 Share Posted March 23, 2019 lf your so concerned about her self esteem though, wouldn't being dumped because you put on a bit of weight do far more damage though anyway ? Not if weight was never mentioned, but yes "I am dumping you because you are too fat" will do equal damage... Link to post Share on other sites
Author OatsAndHall Posted March 23, 2019 Author Share Posted March 23, 2019 (edited) This is just my opinion as a guy: It's a very delicate subject to get into with a woman, and tact is of the utmost importance. I would have never brought the sex part into it, even though the truth was you were not as attracted to her physically. I would have approached it from a health and lifestyle standpoint, and if she wasn't willing to address it and make some effort I would have kindly broken up with her. By telling her you weren't attracted to her anymore, you did damage that I believe is not reversible. She will never forget that (a woman NEVER forgets), so at this point the relationship is as good as dead. She'll never like you as much or enjoy sex with you as much as she used to. You just can't put that genie back into the bottle. I had no choice but to bring sex into the conversations because the issue happened while we were trying to have sex. And, I believe that placating her with anything but the truth would've been worse. I have been attempting to sort through this whole mess for awhile now. We had a quality relationship but the situation with my waning libido has gotten worse and worse over the last month and a half or so. This hasn't been a long standing issue as the weight gain was so sudden. So, I have been trying to find a way to remain physically attracted to her over the last six weeks but it just isn't happening. I am not physically attracted to obese women and there is no way around it. I could've lied to her and told her that the issue that night was due to stress or something else but a) IT WOULD HAVE BEEN A LIE and b) it just would have delayed the inevitable conversation as this isn't an issue that is going to go away. Trust me, I have been TRYING to make it go away but I can't. Yes, I knew it was going to hurt her and I feel like crap about it. It's a big reason why I didn't broach the subject sooner and tried to get a handle on it. Again, I care about her, I want to be attracted to her physically but it just isn't happening. Right now, we're not speaking as there's no further conversation to be had about the situation. She's obviously upset but l'm not going to fight over the fact that over something that I can't control. I have apologized to her for hurting her feelings, we have bounced around this subject for a week now and there's now way to resolve to situation on either end. I have told her everything that I have mentioned on this site but I know it's not going to cut it. Neither of us wants to come straight out and call it off but it really is the inevitable conclusion at this point. So, I will rip the band-aid off and end it. Edited March 23, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Curiousroxy86 Posted March 23, 2019 Share Posted March 23, 2019 All to be expected but nope l wouldn't call it judge metal at all.l've been to hell and back but during that l found it helped to look after myself. Just took will power, not therapy. Matter of fact it's the first piece of advice experts will give you anyway. Maybe he should let her go , hell l don't know, it's up to them. lf your so concerned about her self esteem though, wouldn't being dumped because you put on a bit of weight do far more damage though anyway ? Don't get me wrong. Being dumped sucks for any reason. But I rather be dumped then my boyfriend stay with me and not want to have sex with me or find me gross. Let me go. I will cry. But I will also be free to find someone to love me and want to do me lmao. Would you want a girlfriend that's unattracted to you and doesn't hide it.. but holds on to you? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted March 23, 2019 Share Posted March 23, 2019 Next time end it, before you rip a woman's self esteem to shreds... Brutal honesty = cruelty. You lashed out at her instead of facing your own "inadequacy". She had to be "at fault" in your eyes, otherwise you may have to face your "apparatus" or your libido may be subpar... Add in her sick mother, i.e. she is already in a weak and vulnerable place, she may take a long time to get over this. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Whodatdog Posted March 23, 2019 Share Posted March 23, 2019 This might be long and rambly... I dont think you love her enough to stay with her. In fact, Im not sure you love her. Ive seen situations where women (or men) have had to have surgery, lost their hair, gained weight, and their spouses still loved them as much as before; they made love to the person inside, and it worked for them just fine. If it doesnt for you, it doesnt, but I do think if you deeply loved her, you would handle this differently. My best friend is obese, and she knows it. She's over 300 pounds. She's started every diet over the years, only to regress and gain back was she lost and then some. Im worried about her health, she's a wonderful person. The other day she told me she is starting back on her low carb diet, and then tells me she had a candy bar and some other high carb item, in the same sentence as she told me how good she was doing. I text her, and told her she isnt going to lose weight if she keeps cheating, that I worry about her, and if she cheats, it isnt going to work. She took it very badly, told me she doesnt need negativity, she needs positivity, and that I made her feel horrible. Well, now I just dont know what to do, so Im not going to say anything to her. Point being, people know they are fat. Until she decides on her own that she needs to lose weight, Im not sure theres anything you can do. You've already done what I did, emphasize the negative. It didnt work for me, and its not working for you. But Im going to stick by my friend, because she is my friend, and I know she's miserable and unhappy, and I will try to be what she needs. I love her. You dont love your girlfriend, probably never did. You know what you need to do. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
chillii Posted March 23, 2019 Share Posted March 23, 2019 (edited) Don't get me wrong. Being dumped sucks for any reason. But I rather be dumped then my boyfriend stay with me and not want to have sex with me or find me gross. Let me go. I will cry. But I will also be free to find someone to love me and want to do me lmao. Would you want a girlfriend that's unattracted to you and doesn't hide it.. but holds on to you? Well fair enough, l guess if it's not a love or marriage thing then why not l guess. My point with this sitch though was she started pigging out on junk food , before that she was great. Me , l'd just quit the junk food and get back to normal if l loved her, love doesn't grow on trees many will never know it , ever. Already answered the other one in detail. ps , anyway sorry to see OP that you don't think you guys can work it out/. Edited March 23, 2019 by chillii Link to post Share on other sites
SugarLips72 Posted March 23, 2019 Share Posted March 23, 2019 I totally agree with smackie. I also struggle with my weight and I’m also an emotional/ bored eater. She probably really tried hard to lose a few lbs to attract a guy and now she has one she slips into old habits. It’s not just her lots of people do this. I have a really unhealthy relationship with food I’ve lost 20 lbs and many inches and I finally feel good about myself. I’m also tired of being single. I am really hoping to lose a few more lbs and keep the weight off. It’s a struggle. Your GF loves food more than the desire to lose weight. She may be depressed who knows I an I’m also moody and I then to the junk food and sugar for satisfaction. With that comes weight gain. I think you need to realize your GF will always have a struggle with food. You can support her and try to help her or break up with her. Good luck Link to post Share on other sites
Blanco Posted March 23, 2019 Share Posted March 23, 2019 The relationship is too young for you to have to compromise your attraction to her that's being affected by something within her control. I say this as someone who has dealt with poor eating patterns over the years, and has subsequently been as much as 50 pounds over what I consider to be a normal weight for someone my height and bone structure. It's really not that different if you were to find out she was an alcoholic or drug addict. The potential negative effects may be more immediate or pronounced with those afflictions, but at the core, we're talking about addiction. This may very well be a life-long battle for her, and you're still at a point in the relationship where it's fair to take a step back and say, "Hey, this isn't for me." There's a difference between being a supportive, loving partner and turning your head the other way in the face of addiction. She obviously didn't purposely put on this weight, and it doesn't really have anything to do with you. Still, I think that when you're in a monogamous relationship, each person owes it to themselves and the other person to do their best to maintain a reasonable degree of health. It's not selfish to reconsider the relationship if the other person is not willing to hold up their end of that responsibility. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted March 23, 2019 Share Posted March 23, 2019 I disagree that gaining weight is an addiction all the time. Many people eat what others eat and still gain weight. Everyone assumes they're hogging it up, but they're just in a position of having to live with starvation to stay thin. I know, because I did it for 40 years. Now I'm at my natural weight that I don't go past even if I eat more, and it's HEAVY, but I don't gain and not having to starve. This is my weight. People who gain easily for no good reason are unfortunate people and dieting to keep it off is torture and stops working as you age because you can't keep upping the hours of exercise to make it keep working once you get a problem that comes with aging. Link to post Share on other sites
some_username1 Posted March 23, 2019 Share Posted March 23, 2019 (edited) Next time end it, before you rip a woman's self esteem to shreds... Brutal honesty = cruelty. You lashed out at her instead of facing your own "inadequacy". She had to be "at fault" in your eyes, otherwise you may have to face your "apparatus" or your libido may be subpar... Add in her sick mother, i.e. she is already in a weak and vulnerable place, she may take a long time to get over this. As someone who has been in the same position and made excuses for being turned off to save the woman's feelings because her gut was too big or she had a poor attitude towards sexual health all I got for my 'good deed' was to be given advice like i should try viagra ( ) so I am now so over trying to spare any blushes. Just tell them the truth in as compassionate a manner as you can because if you dom't it will be turned around into YOUR problem and they won't spare your feelings in telling you how you should deal with it when it was never your problem in the first place. You have a genuine and legitimate reason for being unattracted. The key is in how you tell them. If you are soft and gentle, affirm how you want to stay with them and resolve it together then you have done your bit and the ball is in their court. If they still fly off the handle and turn it into a personal vendetta well to me that suggests that they lack objectivity and emotional maturity- I mean you can hardly argue a 30lb weight gain, it's happened, it's a fact, end of story. The question is: how are both parties going to work together to solve it as an issue like mature adults? If she doesn't want to act like a mature adult or doesn't want to do anything about it then that is absolutely her right but you are then free to walk away. Edited March 23, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator rude 1 Link to post Share on other sites
LivingWaterPlease Posted March 23, 2019 Share Posted March 23, 2019 (edited) If a guy broke up with me because I was too heavy I'd appreciate him being honest about it. I believe it's important for people to date those they're attracted to without being shamed for it. If a person marries another and their appearance changes, IMO, that's another matter for the couple to work out. But seems to me dating is a time to figure out what the person one's dating is like and what they'll probably be like in the future. And if one can live with it or not. I did date a guy who didn't want me to be a pound overweight. Because I wanted to date him I kept the weight off. I also dated a guy who was about thirty or so pounds overweight. It's hard to say how much overweight he was exactly. But, he was very unhappy with his weight. I thought he looked great, but did realize he had a tummy, which didn't bother me at all. When he lost the weight and became skinny I was no longer attracted to him and broke up with him. I tried to get him to put the weight back on but he told me he was staying slim for his health, which made sense to me so I didn't try very hard to get him to put the weight back on. Point being, I'm not attracted to skinny men. And if I have a bf who gets skinny it might be a problem for me and I would definitely tell him about it. And, yes, if his being too skinny for me to be attracted to meant I didn't really love him, then all the more reason to break up. Edited March 23, 2019 by LivingWaterPlease 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Blanco Posted March 23, 2019 Share Posted March 23, 2019 Not gorging on junk food doesn’t mean you’re eating celery and plain chicken breast. When I’m eating “healthy,” I eat way more food; it’s just less processed garbage. When I go off track it’s usually due to laziness with preparing my own food and resorting to the fast food drive thru and middle aisles at the grocery store. And sure, I could blame my genetics. I’m not a naturally svelte person. I was a chubby kid and then a fat teen before I dropped weight. But I’ve struggled with over eating and putting on 20-30 pounds here and there as an adult. And it’s always been because I was eating trash and paying less attention to what I consumed. I get that it’s harder for some people to lose weight, but I see so many people lean on that reasoning and then you check their shopping cart and pantry at home and it’s tons of chips, cookies, soda, and other treats. That’s not genetics making you fat. That’s you self-sabotaging and then passing the blame for why your broke your lamp because the button on your pants shot across the room when you were trying to shove yourself into them. Personal responsibility, people. I say this while I sit and wait for my pizza to be finished. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted March 23, 2019 Share Posted March 23, 2019 Gaining 20-30 pounds in six months is not normal, that's not just her relaxing because she has a boyfriend and eating a donut. Of course I don't know, and no one but her does, but that rapid of a weight gain suggests a compulsion to eat (not just "ooh that donut was so good I'm going to have another) and an attempt to soothe herself from whatever she is dealing with. Along with that frame of mind comes lack of motivation to do much of anything, much less exercise. That doesn't obligate OP to stay with her. My point is that some of the posters here seem to have no concept of the possible psychological issues associated with weight gain. If your experience is limited to gaining a pound or two because you started eating too much fast food and then when you stopped it came right back off, I'm pretty sure OP's girlfriend's experience is not something you can relate to. I don't think we need to shame OP for his feelings, but we certainly don't need to shame some woman who we have no idea what she's dealing with. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gretchen12 Posted March 23, 2019 Share Posted March 23, 2019 Gaining 20-30 pounds in six months is not normal, that's not just her relaxing because she has a boyfriend and eating a donut. Her body "remembers" her previous weight and goes back to it easier. I know people who have lost a lot of weight and look like a completely different person. But they can't eat like the rest of us to stay that way. They actually need to skip meals or else the body reverts back to obesity. Link to post Share on other sites
JuneL Posted March 23, 2019 Share Posted March 23, 2019 Her body "remembers" her previous weight and goes back to it easier. I know people who have lost a lot of weight and look like a completely different person. But they can't eat like the rest of us to stay that way. They actually need to skip meals or else the body reverts back to obesity. But this is clearly not the case with OP’s gf. See what she ate in Subway, and how she would always bring a bunch of junk food when visiting OP. It’s likely her actual eating habit is worse, as most would put forward a good impression in front of a new bf. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted March 23, 2019 Share Posted March 23, 2019 No one is selfish here. It’s only been 6 months with this person. He didn’t sign up for this and it is his option to bail out. It’s not a question of love or whatever. He wants a gf that turns him on sexually, it’s his expectation. I don’t think that’s selfish at all. She’s gotten into some troubled times, and hasn’t got the focus to invest properly in a relationship. It’s just bad timing is all. He’s right, they both know they need to call it, just don’t know when or who should do it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
chillii Posted March 23, 2019 Share Posted March 23, 2019 (edited) Next time end it, before you rip a woman's self esteem to shreds... Brutal honesty = cruelty. You lashed out at her instead of facing your own "inadequacy". She had to be "at fault" in your eyes, otherwise you may have to face your "apparatus" or your libido may be subpar... Add in her sick mother, i.e. she is already in a weak and vulnerable place, she may take a long time to get over this. Not about the rest, l dunno , all that is soooo tricky in this kinda sitch. But on the other bit, it's just such the female lash out. Can you make love if your not attracted, does your stuff and libido all work just dandy if your not attracted. Every woman in this forum stress attraction. l'm afraid it's just not that simple. Butttt, as whodatdog was sayin, things like this are also where real love comes into play too , like if your married 20 or 30 years then neither obviously still look the same , but that's where making love comes into play , because you love the inside and the outside.. Edited March 23, 2019 by chillii 1 Link to post Share on other sites
chillii Posted March 23, 2019 Share Posted March 23, 2019 (edited) As someone who has been in the same position and made excuses for being turned off to save the woman's feelings because her gut was too big or she had a poor attitude towards sexual health all I got for my 'good deed' was to be given advice like i should try viagra ( ) Yep this it all how it really becomes in this sitch. And unfortunately too the gentle beat about the bush stuff just doesn't even work , often not even in marriage. Of course you try all that , for months even years, meanwhile it just gets worse and worse. l really never did figure out what choice there was other than to be honest about it because nothing else works and it usually just goes on and gets worse. Ans as l was just sayin , 99% of woman in this forum or any insist on attraction , they all say things like they must be attracted , they need the attraction and they say it in just about every online date profile too. But when it's him that needs it , oh he's got problems , he's shallow, he's and ah , he's this he's that. But imo that's not only just the good old double standards alive and well and excuses that gets it all nowhere, it's also just sweeping the truth under the rug and kidding themselves , and none of that is gonna solve anything . You can't make attraction , for whatever reason it's either there or it isn't. Edited March 24, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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