Fight Over Weight Gain

[amaysngrace]

It took six months to decide if he was attracted to her?

 

Bottom line is he was attracted to her body, not her.

[chillii]

It took six months to decide if he was attracted to her?

 

Bottom line is he was attracted to her body, not her.

 

 

No , he was attracted to her , but it took her 6mths to let herself go, that happens all the time it's very common.

But at the same time yeah , bottom line must be l suppose , that there just isn't enough of whatever they need now, there.

[amaysngrace]

She’s still the same person, only her body has changed. So again I say he was only attracted to her body, not to her.

 

Pretty bad mojo to be throwing it out there like that though. He was cruel about her body. I hope someday someone isn’t cruel to him about his own.

[preraph]

If she wasn't a sensitive person, she had the perfect opportunity to say something cruel to him, and she may yet if he keeps pushing it. You can't gaslight someone into thinking it's their fault when they probably already know that other guys don't have that problem when they're at that weight.

[Ether08]

This is just a matter of incompatibility. Obesity is not a universal dealbreaker. If it was then most of the American people would be single since obesity is a big epedemic in the US.

 

I think OP should break up with her as a favor to her so she will be free to find a man who can overlook her weight. There are plenty of men who don't have a problem with it. This is not the same as breaking up with someone over character flaws which are universal dealbreakers like jealousy, controlling behavior, bad temper, etc.

[DaddyDom]

Man..being a personal trainer this hits close to home.

 

1) When women hear I am a personal trainer, there is insecurity over not being a size 0-2. I actually prefer genuinely curvy women size 8-10. But "curvy" has become a euphemism fat women use now. LOL

 

2) It is not just my job to stay in shape but a huge passion as well. So I'll admit, I've felt resentment when a woman starts to get a bit too comfortable and let herself go a bit. Then it turns into the inevitable "I need a boyfriend not a personal trainer" BS.

 

We feel attraction based on who a person is when we meet and get to know them. That is the version we want to be in a relationship with. Yet overtime someone can get too comfortable and stop putting effort into whatever it may be. Now modern overly liberal PC society will say you should love someone no matter what. But if I am with a smoking hot fit woman and over a few years she slowly turns into a fat couch potato, that will turn me off.

[Curiousroxy86]

I don't think OP was trying to be ugly to his girlfriend when he admitted why he wasn't having sex with her. I just don't think it was emotionally intelligent lol.

 

Some people find him being honest as cruel. But some people see breaking up as cruel too.

 

Like for me I would never tell a guy that I was in a relationship with that I don't find him attractive anymore. I would say "forgive me but I don't think we are compatible and I don't want to be in this relationship anymore". Now many would think lying or breaking up is cruel. But in my own eyes hurting your partners ego is more cruel IMO so I couldn't bring myself to say "babe I like you a lot/love you but you just don't get up like you use to/or I don't find your receding hairline attractive/or I know your battling depression but I can't be with a boyfriend who cries all the time". Not saying I would or wouldn't personally breakup over those things but just some examples lol. I think if I were in his shoes I rather lie or not tell the whole truth to be honest. Like even me dating now I would rather a guy ghost me then tell me he is not feeling me. I don't need you telling me I'm not great or beautiful! Just get the f*ck on. Lmao but that's just me. Some women really get bent out of shape over people who ghost.

 

So for OP this really is a damned if you do or damned if you don't situation. I think he would have got criticisms either way if he chose to protect her feelings and just breakup lol.

 

See how many posts we get about guys who just up and disappear or breakup for no reason and how she thought everything was good and that he was such a dick for not being upfront lol.

 

I personally value tact above honesty but some people value honesty above tact *shrugs*

Edited March 23, 2019 by Curiousroxy86

[Curiousroxy86]

 

We feel attraction based on who a person is when we meet and get to know them. That is the version we want to be in a relationship with. Yet overtime someone can get too comfortable and stop putting effort into whatever it may be. Now modern overly liberal PC society will say you should love someone no matter what. But if I am with a smoking hot fit woman and over a few years she slowly turns into a fat couch potato, that will turn me off.

 

It all comes down to compatibility. You value a woman who keeps her self up for a lifetime. Some women do that in which that's your fit. Some women want a man that loves her even if she doesn't remain the same size. Some men do that which makes them a better fit for them. We all have our personal preferences and agendas. .

 

Change can (will) happen. We get resentful because we don't want to change partners. We want to keep the partner we invested in but if they changed in a way we don't like well now we have to decide to accept the change or let it go

[Blanco]

So should his physical attraction to her never be affected no matter how much weight she puts on? I don't think it's realistic to expect your partner to maintain the same weight over the course of many years. But barring pregnancy or some sort of medical condition, there's no reason why someone should put on that sort of weight in such a short period of time. It's not fair to yourself and it's unfair to the other person.

[Blanco]

Her body "remembers" her previous weight and goes back to it easier. I know people who have lost a lot of weight and look like a completely different person. But they can't eat like the rest of us to stay that way. They actually need to skip meals or else the body reverts back to obesity.

 

Yup. We all have a "set point" of sorts when it comes to scale weight. It's why it's important for someone who has been losing weight to continue to eat at a maintenance level for several weeks/months when they hit their goal weight, otherwise a lot of that weight is coming right back on.

 

It's likely this is what happened to her, because it's incredibly difficult to pack on that sort of weight in that amount of time.

[DaddyDom]

It all comes down to compatibility. You value a woman who keeps her self up for a lifetime. Some women do that in which that's your fit. Some women want a man that loves her even if she doesn't remain the same size. Some men do that which makes them a better fit for them. We all have our personal preferences and agendas. .

 

Change can (will) happen. We get resentful because we don't want to change partners. We want to keep the partner we invested in but if they changed in a way we don't like well now we have to decide to accept the change or let it go

 

It is one thing if a partner has a major life change that throws their world out of orbit. Like a health issue leading to obesity, a bad car wreck or a debilitating injury, etc.. These are things someone doesn't choose. So in that sense, love conquers.

 

But when someone CHOOSES to gain a truck load of weight through bad eating, lack of exercise, etc they are communicating they don't care about or prioritize their partner. When you love someone and make them a priority, you put effort into your health, fitness, appearance, finances, and overall well being to be the happiest, healthiest, and best version of yourself that you can be.

 

So when someone CHOOSES to show they genuinely don't give a **** with their actions, having the "Love them no matter what" attitude is BS IMO.

[amaysngrace]

I don’t think it’s hard at all to gain weight when you’re stressed. In fact I even think I’ve read somewhere that stress does something to cortisol levels that can slow your metabolism or something like that.

 

I forget what it said exactly but there’s definitely a correlation between stress and gaining weight.

[preraph]

Yup. We all have a "set point" of sorts when it comes to scale weight. It's why it's important for someone who has been losing weight to continue to eat at a maintenance level for several weeks/months when they hit their goal weight, otherwise a lot of that weight is coming right back on.

 

It's likely this is what happened to her, because it's incredibly difficult to pack on that sort of weight in that amount of time.

 

It's coming back on as soon as you are no longer on the diet anymore, if not before. You can't ever go "off" the diet. And eventually, some people's bodies will gain weight even on the diet after it adjusts and tries to keep you from starving, basically. And eating a little more doesn't work either. People with weight problems have lifelong starvation to look forward to. Just "eating healthy" doesn't take weight off. Eating little to nothing while exercising, for women, is about the only thing that will work. But again, varies by person. I have an aunt who has never gained an ounce. And I had an old friend who never gained an ounce and ate like a pig. An ex of mine never gains an ounce. Some people are lucky -- and the rest of us are criticized for being unlucky, basically and at some point we have to weigh how we want to live, because it's not a one-and-done thing, a diet.

[Blanco]

I don’t think it’s hard at all to gain weight when you’re stressed. In fact I even think I’ve read somewhere that stress does something to cortisol levels that can slow your metabolism or something like that.

 

I forget what it said exactly but there’s definitely a correlation between stress and gaining weight.

 

Yes, cortisol levels are raised when stressed, which can lead to weight gain. Thirty pounds, though, is excessive in six months. I'm sure the stress is not helping the situation, but the trove of chips, candy, and soda that she's toting around to the OP's home has a lot more to do with her weight gain than her cortisol levels.

[Blanco]

It's coming back on as soon as you are no longer on the diet anymore, if not before. You can't ever go "off" the diet. And eventually, some people's bodies will gain weight even on the diet after it adjusts and tries to keep you from starving, basically. And eating a little more doesn't work either. People with weight problems have lifelong starvation to look forward to. Just "eating healthy" doesn't take weight off. Eating little to nothing while exercising, for women, is about the only thing that will work. But again, varies by person. I have an aunt who has never gained an ounce. And I had an old friend who never gained an ounce and ate like a pig. An ex of mine never gains an ounce. Some people are lucky -- and the rest of us are criticized for being unlucky, basically and at some point we have to weigh how we want to live, because it's not a one-and-done thing, a diet.

 

That's why it's stupid to "diet." It needs to be a lifestyle change. Which, as I mentioned before, isn't a lifelong sentence of dry chicken and celery. We live in the online age, where thousands of quality, nutritious recipes are at our disposal. There's thousands of YouTube videos that show you step-by-step how to prepare a variety of meals. It's not complicated. It just takes some planning and execution.

[amaysngrace]

Yes, cortisol levels are raised when stressed, which can lead to weight gain. Thirty pounds, though, is excessive in six months. I'm sure the stress is not helping the situation, but the trove of chips, candy, and soda that she's toting around to the OP's home has a lot more to do with her weight gain than her cortisol levels.

 

No that’s incorrect. I just looked it up because I was curious about what I read and vaguely remembered so wanted to be sure about the information I gave out.

 

Cortisol causes blood sugar levels to drop so it makes you crave those comfort foods to raise your blood sugar levels. Stress causes cortisol levels to rise so yes, there’s a direct link to stress and weight gain.

 

She didn’t CHOOSE for her mom to get sick and she didn’t CHOOSE to be stressed out about it, those things occurred naturally the same way that her weight gain did.

[JuneL]

It's coming back on as soon as you are no longer on the diet anymore, if not before. You can't ever go "off" the diet. And eventually, some people's bodies will gain weight even on the diet after it adjusts and tries to keep you from starving, basically. And eating a little more doesn't work either. People with weight problems have lifelong starvation to look forward to. Just "eating healthy" doesn't take weight off. Eating little to nothing while exercising, for women, is about the only thing that will work. But again, varies by person. I have an aunt who has never gained an ounce. And I had an old friend who never gained an ounce and ate like a pig. An ex of mine never gains an ounce. Some people are lucky -- and the rest of us are criticized for being unlucky, basically and at some point we have to weigh how we want to live, because it's not a one-and-done thing, a diet.

 

Again, that doesn’t apply to his gf’s case, as she clearly has a eating problem. Now I totally understand how hard it is for someone like her to get rid of bad eating habits. I have a good friend who is exactly like her. It was shocking how much she ate when we were exchanging food logs. In such a case, she needs to know her eating habit is not normal; she actually manged to lose some weight by avoiding over-eating too often.

Edited March 24, 2019 by JuneL

[Blanco]

No that’s incorrect. I just looked it up because I was curious about what I read and vaguely remembered so wanted to be sure about the information I gave out.

 

Cortisol causes blood sugar levels to drop so it makes you crave those comfort foods to raise your blood sugar levels. Stress causes cortisol levels to rise so yes, there’s a direct link to stress and weight gain.

 

She didn’t CHOOSE for her mom to get sick and she didn’t CHOOSE to be stressed out about it, those things occurred naturally the same way that her weight gain did.

 

That's a cop out. I've had eating issues and still deal with it on some level. I know what it can be like to have an awful day or be dealing with something terrible and think, "I deserve McDonald's." And I've absolutely given in to that temptation. But I've done so knowing full well that maybe making a home-cooked meal is going to make me feel better past the 10-15 minutes I'm consuming the food.

 

It's still a choice. It's not like once your cortisol levels go up, you turn into a zombie who wanders into your local convenience store and leaves with an armload of Little Debbie snack cakes.

 

No one is saying she chose for her mom to get ill, but unless she's got a major, major eating disorder, she still has final say what she puts into her body.

[amaysngrace]

@blanco

 

It’s not a cop out. It’s a chemical reaction inside your body that when cortisol rises your blood sugar lowers and that makes you crave foods high in fat and sugar. Proven by doctors from reputable hospitals.

 

Some even say you can exercise the same way, eat the same way but if under prolonged stress, gain weight.

 

How much more proof do you need than that?

[preraph]

I never have had a fast food habit. I eat at good restaurants and cook some. I hardly ever fry anything but an egg. I hadn't eaten bacon for several months (lost the taste for it) until last week. Everyone is different. Some people are lucky and most men are lucky and a lot of people have kind of an impossible situation that they simply aren't going to deal with by self-torture their entire lives. I was a skinny colt as a child and started gaining weight at 23, and I was eating hardly anything because I was poor as dirt. The difference was I was no longer in the country running around on foot doing things and was getting less exercise. You'd think the waitressing gig would have been enough to run it off me, but I was used to really running from place to place out on the acreage.

 

The only time I came close as an adult to that type of constant movement to keep weight off was the year I worked the lot at a huge car dealership, but even there, I gained weight gradually.

 

Everyone is different and what works for one doesn't work for another.

 

I have spontaneously lost about seven pounds in the last year. It's the first time that has happened. The doctor thinks it may be because some med I'm on is helping metabolize food better.

[preraph]

Again, that doesn’t apply to his gf’s case, as she clearly has a eating problem. Now I totally understand how hard it is for someone like her to get rid of bad eating habits. I have a good friend who is exactly like her. It was shocking how much she ate when we were exchanging food logs. In such a case, she needs to know her eating habit is not normal; she actually manged to lose some weight by avoiding over-eating too often.

 

If I do diet only, a very controlled diet, doing that alone, I will lose weight for three weeks, and then weight will start coming back on, so that's when I have to start exercise, and I have to go up by increments each week or two to keep it from coming back on. I hit the wall when I can't eat less or exercise more.

 

I didn't lose any weight when I was in physical therapy for several months a couple of years ago. Too little aerobic and wasn't dieting. I was exercising every day twice a day, and no weight loss. It has to be both, and very extreme and you can't keep it off.

 

People need to just stop judging about it (not you) and thinking it's easy or even possible. It's not always possible. The older you get, the less possible it is. If you see a thin old person, they've likely been that way their whole life with no effort or something is eating them from the inside.

[Curiousroxy86]

So should his physical attraction to her never be affected no matter how much weight she puts on? I don't think it's realistic to expect your partner to maintain the same weight over the course of many years. But barring pregnancy or some sort of medical condition, there's no reason why someone should put on that sort of weight in such a short period of time. It's not fair to yourself and it's unfair to the other person.

 

I don't fault men who don't find girlfriends weight gain attractive. Then again I don't subscribe to the idea of "unconditional love" either. My love have conditions. I believe everybody have their limits on what they will leave their partner over. For some it's weight/letting their looks go. For some it's abuse or infidelity. For some it's religion, sex drives, children, cleaning the house, hygiene, drugs... Anything can be made a deal breaker depending on the person. I don't think I personally would leave a man I fell in love with over weight gain unless he got so big that all he can do is lay in bed and I have to cut my door way to get him out the house. But there are things that I would leave a man over that some would think is very minor so no judgment here on that...

 

What I do fault SOME men (whoever this applies to) over is if they try to get their girlfriends to lose weight for them to the point of threatening to breakup, divorce, or treating them less than. This is where I sorely call foul.

 

Ok your not attracted to her but it's not okay to start giving undesired criticisms, holding on to her and treat her like sh*t, arguing with her, stop being a good boyfriend to her, or threats all because you don't find her pretty or don't want to f*ck her anymore. The answer is not treat her less. That's not right. The answer is leave. (Btw OP this isn't referring to you where it doesnt apply I'm just responding to this quote)

 

And YOU may think there is no reason for anybody to gain weight outside of pregnancy or medication. But there are reasons why MANY people do gain whether you think it's unacceptable or not. For some it's laziness, for some it's greediness, for some it's addiction, for some it's genuine dislike for exercise, for some it's depression, for some it's a genuine like for food, for some it's not enough consistent portion control or calorie counting, for some it's not enough consistent exercise they may prefer to do, for some it's a lifestyle that they don't want to make time for due to current busy or weird schedule, for some it's genuine acceptance, for some it's a genuine lack of want to, for some it's a combination of these things and having hard time finding balance or method that will work FOR THEM for a lifetime. At the end of the day it's THEIR decision. It's THEIR struggle. and to me it's not fair to them that people think it's just one simple fix that many genuinely struggle with doing or to think it's so simple to decide to fix to try to please another person when many already struggle to try to fix it for themselves smh.

 

So I don't fault men who are turned off but men who are so turned off that it effects how they treat their girlfriends in a negative manner need to just let her go and let her deal with her own weight struggles without his unneeded negativity.

[Curiousroxy86]

 

But when someone CHOOSES to gain a truck load of weight through bad eating, lack of exercise, etc they are communicating they don't care about or prioritize their partner. When you love someone and make them a priority, you put effort into your health, fitness, appearance, finances, and overall well being to be the happiest, healthiest, and best version of yourself that you can be.

 

.

 

So if my boyfriend chooses to grow a beard. Can I make this same argument that he doesn't love me enough to shave that damn beard?

 

Say he grows it because he just doesn't want to shave. Would that argument be valid?

 

Say he grows it because he is genuinely too depressed to shave. Would that argument be valid?

 

Say he grows it because he get tired of shaving. Valid?

 

Say he grows it because he thinks it's cool or have grown to accept it. Valid?

[preraph]

^ Yeah, and I've never seen one yet that will just shave it for you. The excuse I've heard is they're just tired of shaving. People do have a right to express themselves, but if men and beards just knew how bad some women hate beards....but some like them, so....

[Curiousroxy86]

But when someone CHOOSES to gain a truck load of weight through bad eating, lack of exercise, etc they are communicating they don't care about or prioritize their partner.

.

 

By the way can you make this same argument if you had a girlfriend who have always been a good girlfriend to you but is mentally struggling with weight. Like the only thing you don't like about her is that she gained weight by choosing to overeat and not exercise? Otherwise y'all get along, she encourages you, she is financially responsible, she pays her half, she has great hygiene, she beautifies herself, she has a great attitude, she is great in bed, she cooks, she keeps a clean house, she supports you emotionally but she may CHOOSE to overeat and she may CHOOSE to stop working out. Do you automatically think she dont give a f*ck about you? Or do you think what it really is which is that she is gaining weight and I don't like it/like the way it looks?

 

That's the problem I have with the whole her gaining weight says she don't care about me argument. Its extremely narrow minded and as ridiculous if I assume that my man didn't love me because he chose to grow a beard/play video games/drink/smoke/play extreme dangerous sports.....when those things by themselves a person CHOOSES to do often times out of pleasure, boredom, stress, depression whatever

 

It would be different if it was "she gaining weight, she not trying to look pretty, she not trying to have sex with me, she talk to me any kind of way"....theeeeenn I can see the whole she don't care about me argument

 

But just call it what it is. She gains weight and you don't find fat attractive. Don't go making excuses downing her girlfriend skills because of it. That's a gross insult to a woman who was an otherwise good girlfriend in all other areas.

 

Someone overeating or not exercising communicates that they want to eat and don't want to work out for whatever reason. And the only reason it's even a problem is when a person becomes fatter because of it. Doesn't automatically mean they don't care about who they are with. Miss me with that bull.