standtall Posted March 13, 2019 Share Posted March 13, 2019 (edited) Really???? If you mention things posters will tend to pick up on the points you make. What about the rest of his and your points? This is only one where he seems to be having a fictional dialogue. Your last response is a form of "argument from fallacy". OP, I would check for cheating first. If none, the result will be the same anyway, but it will give you some explanation. IMHO, divorce is the only option as ditching sex for no reason other than she doesn't want to is a just another form or marital abandonment. Also, you'll do just fine moving on as men in their late forties have much better prospects than mid 50's women who do not like sex. Besides, you'll most likely get alimony. Edited March 13, 2019 by standtall Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rotaglia Posted March 13, 2019 Author Share Posted March 13, 2019 (edited) I now realize it's been over for a whlle now. I must now move swiftly to defend my interests and those of my kids. Q. Since all of our accounts are joint, how do I get money for a lawyer without breaching the marital code of ethics? I don't want to tip my hand but I also respect the fact that these are shared funds. Q. How do I handle our anniversary? My plan is to be pleasant but it is pretty hard to retain the veneer of romance. Q. I'm going to get a PO Box and a personal bank account, but how do I explain the missing money to my financially alert spouse? Edited March 13, 2019 by Rotaglia Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted March 13, 2019 Share Posted March 13, 2019 (edited) Leaving our home, diving custody of our child, absorbing a major income and asset downgrade are all really unpleasant prospects. I may have to file for divorce anyway but I hate the ancillary effects on my life and my child’s life. Who gets the dog? She is still hugging and kissing and cuddling you and saying ILY, so it is only the sex that is missing. I guess she doesn't want to lose you. Truth is many women in similar situations to you ie SAH will swallow the lack of sex and even swallow an affair in order to maintain their standard of living and keep kids and even pets happy. Yes, you may feel like you NEED a divorce to soothe your bruised ego but I think you need to take a step back and do a proper and accurate cost benefit analysis, before you go off and let anger ruin everything. Assume nothing as regards your finances, work it all out to the penny. Assumptions will not pay the bills. Alimony my appear to be heaven sent but not if it barely covers your rent... or the judge feels you are owed less than you think. Also - the dating game isn't easy and finding a quality woman (similar to your wife) who will want to take on a divorced man with kids, who is a part time musician in his 50s, who hasn't actually "worked" in years may be a bit of a struggle. Think carefully. Edited March 13, 2019 by elaine567 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted March 13, 2019 Share Posted March 13, 2019 For now, see if there is an attorney that does a consultation for free. Ask what the retainer is. Get an idea of what the retainer will be. See if cheating makes a difference in your state if you divorce. Do you earn any money? Can you hide any of that money? If needed, pay the retainer and tell her you consulted a lawyer for divorce. Be suspicious if she tries to have sex at that point (that’s sex to manipulate you). It’s not a bad thing if she realizes you plan to divorce her. It may make her communicate more honestly. It may let her know you are serious about your needs. Get all the paperwork filled out to file for divorce. There is a lot to it - so have it ready. If cheating makes any difference in the divorce then find out more info. IF she gets angry you paid a retainer fee without consulting you - let her know you are angry she changed the marriage and won’t discuss that! It’s the same theory... just different terms. And she can get mad all she wants... but it may force her to talk to you about everything. She will understand you are serious about not getting your needs met and being dismissed by your wife. Call around. Many attorneys do a free consult appointment. Find out which attorneys in your area are skilled at representing the fathers. I don’t suggest moving out. You don’t want to be viewed as abandoning your family. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted March 13, 2019 Share Posted March 13, 2019 Q. Since all of our accounts are joint, how do I get money for a lawyer without breaching the marital code of ethics? I don't want to tip my hand but I also respect the fact that these are shared funds. Rotaglia, do you think your wife would hesitate to dip into these "shared" funds to pay her own attorney? You may need to play the long game, building up funds slowly. Been 18 months, not sure a few more matter... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted March 13, 2019 Share Posted March 13, 2019 (edited) 1. Ignore the anniversary. If she asks or brings it up, shrug and tell her you forgot about it. Why even consider romance at this point? 2. Take 1/2 of the money currently in your bank acct and move it to your new one. When she asks, tell her point blank that it’s apparent to you that the relationship is over and you’re just protecting your interests in case she bolts and/or leaves you for the other man. 3. Use the money from the joint acct to pay for the attorney, if you choose to go down that path. When I found out that my spouse cheated, I immediately went to an attorney and paid him from the joint acct. My ex was pissed. Now ask me if I cared. 4. If you do any of the above, except #1, you will tip your hand and hiring a PI will be pointless by then. If you really want to know if she’s having an affair or not, get a PI before doing anything else. Edited March 13, 2019 by bathtub-row 1 Link to post Share on other sites
giotto Posted March 13, 2019 Share Posted March 13, 2019 1. Ignore the anniversary. If she asks or brings it up, shrug and tell her you forgot about it. Why even consider romance at this point? Just tell her how you feel, in a calm and considerate way. You don't feel you are a couple anymore and don't see the point in celebrating your anniversary. Just buy her a bunch of flowers... Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted March 13, 2019 Share Posted March 13, 2019 Just tell her how you feel, in a calm and considerate way. You don't feel you are a couple anymore and don't see the point in celebrating your anniversary. Just buy her a bunch of flowers... Flowers are too romantic. I wouldn’t buy her anything. Ignore the anniversary. I’d be curious to see if she’ll ignore it if you do. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
giotto Posted March 13, 2019 Share Posted March 13, 2019 Flowers are too romantic. I wouldn’t buy her anything. Ignore the anniversary. I’d be curious to see if she’ll ignore it if you do. I still bought flowers for my wife, despite the 14 months of celibacy she forced on me... she is still the mother of my kids and I care about her. But we didn't celebrate... she got the message loud and clear... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rotaglia Posted March 13, 2019 Author Share Posted March 13, 2019 1. Ignore the anniversary. If she asks or brings it up, shrug and tell her you forgot about it. Why even consider romance at this point?The romantic relationship is indeed over; however, I want a period of no drama so I can gather more information and plan my exit strategy. The anniversary is coming up soon and I don’t want to convey hostility or alert her to the fact that I am giving up on the relationship. My thought is to go for a nice dinner with flowers, have a anodyne conversation, and avoid initiating any talk of the relationship. If she wants to talk about it, I will smile and say, “I know things are tough for us right now but I am willing to talk when you are.” OTOH, my lack of wooing and pursuit of her will likely tip her off that a switch has been flipped in me. Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted March 13, 2019 Share Posted March 13, 2019 (edited) I still bought flowers for my wife, despite the 14 months of celibacy she forced on me... she is still the mother of my kids and I care about her. But we didn't celebrate... she got the message loud and clear... Mother’s Day sounds more appropriate for that than an anniversary. I did like your idea about him just telling her how he feels, that they’re not really a couple anymore and he doesn’t see the point in celebrating. I tend to blow people off who piss me off, that’s why I would say I forgot - but that was a good suggestion. Edited March 13, 2019 by bathtub-row Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rotaglia Posted March 13, 2019 Author Share Posted March 13, 2019 (edited) Geez, what the heck do I say on the card for the flowers? My plan is to stay busy, be helpful and pleasant to my wife, donÂ’t rock the boat, and bide my time. Edited March 13, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Merge Link to post Share on other sites
giotto Posted March 13, 2019 Share Posted March 13, 2019 I did like your idea about him just telling her how he feels, that they’re not really a couple anymore and he doesn’t see the point in celebrating - but that was a good suggestion. Thanks... I tend to blow people off who piss me off, that’s why I would say I forgot I've had a lot of training in the matter... not by choice... Link to post Share on other sites
giotto Posted March 13, 2019 Share Posted March 13, 2019 Geez, what the heck do I say on the card for the flowers? Happy non-anniversary to you... some flowers for you, although you don't deserve them... Couldn't make it rhyme.. Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted March 13, 2019 Share Posted March 13, 2019 Just tell her how you feel, in a calm and considerate way. You don't feel you are a couple anymore and don't see the point in celebrating your anniversary. Just buy her a bunch of flowers... Actually, thinking about this, that comment is likely to spark a conversation he may not want to have. May not be a great idea after all. Link to post Share on other sites
giotto Posted March 13, 2019 Share Posted March 13, 2019 Actually, thinking about this, that comment is likely to spark a conversation he may not want to have. May not be a great idea after all. Not sure if it makes any difference... he has to be honest with her, about his feelings. It's a good time to make his stance clear. Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted March 13, 2019 Share Posted March 13, 2019 My plan is to stay busy' date=' be helpful and pleasant to my wife, don’t rock the boat, and bide my time.[/quote'] I get that, but faking it for an anniversary seems a bit much. Besides, she needs some humbling in the romantic arena, if you ask me. Your call, though. Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted March 13, 2019 Share Posted March 13, 2019 I’d go with moving at least half the funds to your name only account. If she asks let her know you are planning your future. Lol Pay the retainer fee with funds from the joint account. Tell her you’re doing the foot work for the inevitable... The anniversary? Play sick if needed. Tell her you don’t feel like celebrating a marriage that has been abandoned by her. No card is needed. No flowers. No dinner out. Why reward bad behavior? Just acknowledge it for what it is = over. If needed (IF she asks...) let her know it doesn’t feel like a marriage! Tell her she wouldn’t celebrate with the house cleaner or babysitter now would she? Do you see your wife’s paystub? Is all the money she earns accounted for (into your joint account)? Have you looked at the bank statements to see if she is spending money on some things you weren’t aware of? Does she carry a briefcase? Look in the briefcase... especially hidden pockets. Have you looked at her cell phone bill yet? This is important!!! Find out if she is communicating by calls and texts with a number that consistently pops up!!! Do this and the bank info today! Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted March 13, 2019 Share Posted March 13, 2019 It is possible to split paychecks so that money goes to different accounts. She may be doing that already without her husband’s knowledge. Having said that, at tax time, it’s pretty hard to hide income that comes directly from a corporation. OP, just be sure that what she claims on taxes adds up to what you’re actually seeing deposited into the joint account. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rotaglia Posted March 13, 2019 Author Share Posted March 13, 2019 To be clear, I do not dispute the fact that I have a right to half the marital assets in the theoretical and abstract sense; however, I would rather act covertly (but in a way that is legally and morally sound) first so as not to arouse my spouse’s suspicions so that she can begin erecting her legal self-defense. Better to catch her unawares so she is scrambling to catch up with me later. Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted March 13, 2019 Share Posted March 13, 2019 (edited) I can understand that - but be aware that you are 18 months behind her plan already. Have you checked out her bank account spending and phone bill yet? Get moving! You are way behind your wife’s actions! Edited March 13, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Redact quote of prior post and fix spacing Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted March 13, 2019 Share Posted March 13, 2019 It would be really great if you find nothing - no affair and no funny business with the money. But better to check and be certain. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rotaglia Posted March 14, 2019 Author Share Posted March 14, 2019 It would be really great if you find nothing - no affair and no funny business with the money. But better to check and be certain.I appreciate your participation in this thread and your insightful comments. I am not certain that it would be “really great” if I found no cheating, because 1) uncovering adultery could be advantageous if it establishes fault in the divorce (assuming our state is a fault-divorce state), although proving adultery can be tricky; and 2) I still have a spouse who checked out of our marriage 18 months ago, has harbored thoughts of divorce, accepts no accountability for her hurtful actions, clearly wants me to stick around despite her unilaterally cancelling our romantic and sexual life. Nothing about this is “great” or “really great.” Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rotaglia Posted March 14, 2019 Author Share Posted March 14, 2019 My plan: Gather information, document everything, consult a lawyer and in the meantime enjoy my kids and life and be kind and helpful to my wife. No romantic or sexual pursuit of my wife. Do the anniversary in low-key fashion. I will initiate no discussion of the relationship (she can come to me if she likes). This marriage is sadly over but it will be a while before it can become a legal fact. BTW, if we do divorce, I plan to avoid dating for a good while. I do not need sex so badly that I would risk romantic entanglements and honestly after this experience I am not enthusiatic about bringing a new woman into my life. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rotaglia Posted March 14, 2019 Author Share Posted March 14, 2019 The worst part of this is my wife’s refusal to accept accountability for her negative behavior toward the marriage and to take steps toward its repair. Her silence was deafening. Link to post Share on other sites
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