Wife Doesn't Want Sex, Doubts Marriage

[Rotaglia]

She should have the decency to let him go. Because this is heading in one direction only...

I'd just like some insight into what my wife really wants/needs so I can figure out if those issues are resolvable or not. Of course, my needs are important, too. I want genuine emotional intimacy. Is that really too much to ask? Maybe so.

[bathtub-row]

I get the distinct impression that some people disapprove of stay-at-home-dads (SAHDs) but seldom question (SAHMs). You know what they call that? Sexism.

 

Our choices as a couple may be good or bad on the merits, but I refuse to be penalized merely for being male.

 

I don’t know if that’s what’s going on or not but from what I’ve seen in those scenarios, yes, the woman does tend to disrespect the man when he does this. It may initially seem like a great idea but it wears on a woman over time. But, having said that, I’ve seen too many times where the man has no respect for his SAHW. It does seem that when one spouse perceives that they have financial power over the other, problems ensue. From my personal perspective, I wouldn’t have respect for an SAHM. Unfortunately, that’s just the way I’m wired. I like alpha males.

 

In your particular case, your wife would most likely have to pay you alimony because this arrangement has been your situation throughout your marriage - and she probably knows that. Despite all that, I think there’s genuine affection in your marriage but, for some reason, your wife is completely turned off by sex.

[FMW]

My guess is the 180 will only serve to put more distance between you. Certainly don't be clingy or needy or smother her with attention, but I think going so far the other direction would just hasten the end of your marriage.

 

Peri-menopause actually increased my sex drive, and even with menopause it hasn't decreased so much as feel more manageable. I'm probably in the minority there, but as others have said, I wouldn't use that as an explanation for what's happening.

 

It does appear your wife has checked out and doesn't move to end the marriage because at least right now she prefers to maintain the status quo rather than deal with the upheaval of divorce. You have a child still in the home, she probably feels responsible for you financially (including insurance coverage), and she's ok being co-parents and roommates, at least for now. That's why she made it clear she understands you have the option to be the one to end it.

 

Keep focusing on self-improvement, as time permits maybe get involved with hobbies or activities separate from her to increase your own self-esteem and possibly give her new reasons to find you interesting. But start to at least mentally prepare for the possibility she's not going to change her mind and figure out what YOU want to do and how you want to live the rest of your life.

[Rotaglia]

Despite all that, I think there’s genuine affection in your marriage but, for some reason, your wife is completely turned off by sex.

Right! And that is perfectly okay! If she would just talk to me about it, we could work something out. Maybe we need to make some changes that make sex more likely. Maybe I can adjust my expectations as to the type, frequency, etc. of sex that I can reasonably expect. I am more than willing to discuss that in a frank, thoughtful, kind way—but right now the conversation is completely one sided.

 

There is nothing wrong with me feeling desperate in my heart. But my behavior must not be desperate going forward. That's challenging but doable.

[giotto]

I get the distinct impression that some people disapprove of stay-at-home-dads (SAHDs) but seldom question (SAHMs). You know what they call that? Sexism.

 

Our choices as a couple may be good or bad on the merits, but I refuse to be penalized merely for being male.

 

I don't disapprove... I've been one for a while... but funnily enough, it ended up with my wife thinking I was "less manly" because of that. I resented it immensely.

[Rotaglia]

It is difficult to meet the needs of a spouse who won’t or can’t articulate those needs—even when refusal to do so is damaging her marriage day-by-day. Sure it’s hard—but isn’t it worth it?

 

When a relationship is functioning well, they call it “passion”; when it is going poorly, they call it “desperation.”

 

I am deeply in love with my wife. I make no apologies for that. I care about her. I respect her. I am a bit annoyed at her at the moment. I am concerned about our marriage (quite sensibly so) and I am trying to enlist her help in repairing it.

[Rotaglia]

I don't disapprove... I've been one for a while... but funnily enough, it ended up with my wife thinking I was "less manly" because of that. I resented it immensely.

If that's how my wife feels, she probably can't even identify the feeling, much less articulate it to me.

 

And by the way, I have a job—it just doesn’t entail sitting in a cubicle from 9am to 5pm every flippin’ day to fulfill someone else’s idea of a “real job.”

[elaine567]

She should have the decency to let him go.

 

He doesn't have the income to have the nice life he has alone.

He NEEDS to stay married.

 

(She)was contemplating separation. I just about died on the spot!...she is the primary breadwinner and I do not want to lose my home and my source of support if it should come to that...

[Rotaglia]

He doesn't have the income to have the nice life he has alone.

He NEEDS to stay married.

If we split up, how I support myself will be my problem to solve, not hers. I do not need to stay married. I would LIKE to stay married but not at all costs. There are some things that I will not and should not sacrifice, like my dignity and self-respect.

 

My wife is more important to me than sex, but sex is important. Sex is always optional in a relationship. My wife does not owe me sex. What I can't live without is genuine emotional intimacy. As far as sex goes, I am willing to be flexible, kind, realistic, and collaborative on that issue. But you know what? If she really doesn't ever want to have sex with me ever again in any form, period, that is awful but I would just like to know if that's the case.

 

However, I believe there are some really wonderful things about this marriage that are well worth preserving.

[Rotaglia]

I just hate the feeling of being continuously rejected. That's what has me eyeing the door. I have talked about the need for sexual acceptance and re-introducing some basic sexuality into our life together and she yes-yes-okay-okays me and then doesn’t follow through.

[Rotaglia]

At Chanukah-time, I bought her a vibrator as a gift. I even put batteries in it. I hugged her from behind and explained what it was for (when she is alone). Just talking about it got me super turned-on.

 

Unfortunately, she was terribly embarrassed. Yep, that was a complete failure. I was trying to signal that I wanted her to feel free to nurture herself in private. Sure it was a bold, high-risk sort of move but I figured what the heck did I have to lose?

[elaine567]

My guess is the 180 will only serve to put more distance between you. Certainly don't be clingy or needy or smother her with attention, but I think going so far the other direction would just hasten the end of your marriage.

I agree.

 

 

The 180 is designed to shock the straying partner into realising they can't depend on the loving partner at home whilst they enjoy time with their AP.

 

It can work with the WS suddenly understanding what they might lose, but it risks sending the WS straight into the arms of the OW/OW as the BS "obviously" doesn't care...

 

Your wife apparently cares, she just doesn't want to have sex with you.

Freezing her out will not suddenly increase her sex drive.

If she is metaphorically half way out the door, the 180 may have her scurrying away, as without "friendship" there is nothing else left.

[Rotaglia]

Your wife apparently cares, she just doesn't want to have sex with you.

Freezing her out will not suddenly increase her sex drive.

If she is metaphorically half way out the door, the 180 may have her scurrying away, as without "friendship" there is nothing else left.

Short of separation/divorce, what can I do? I need options.

 

“No time ever seems right \ to talk about the reasons why you and I fight.” Head Games, Foreigner

[Rotaglia]

I feel a strong need to challenge my wife on her distancing, marriage-degrading behavior. I'm just not sure how to do that. Assuming she does actually want to preserve the marriage, she has to stop damaging it.

[Rotaglia]

I am starting to get over my fear of divorce so that i have the strength to preserve the marriage, if that makes any sense.

[bathtub-row]

At Chanukah-time, I bought her a vibrator as a gift. I even put batteries in it. I hugged her from behind and explained what it was for (when she is alone). Just talking about it got me super turned-on.

 

Unfortunately, she was terribly embarrassed. Yep, that was a complete failure. I was trying to signal that I wanted her to feel free to nurture herself in private. Sure it was a bold, high-risk sort of move but I figured what the heck did I have to lose?

 

For someone who’s turned off by sex, that probably wasn’t your best move. I’d disengage from the whole topic of sex if I were you. Because the truth is, women are typically motivated by sex when a man stimulates her emotions and mind. Talking about sex, or addressing it as the sole issue, is the wrong tack.

[Rotaglia]

For someone who’s turned off by sex, that probably wasn’t your best move. I’d disengage from the whole topic of sex if I were you.

I was trying to find a non-threatening way to reintroduce sex. Obviously it didn't work.

Because the truth is, women are typically motivated by sex when a man stimulates her emotions and mind.

I was pretty sure I had been doing that for 23 years.

Talking about sex, or addressing it as the sole issue, is the wrong tack.

Sex isn't the sole issue but it is an issue. Other women I have talked to complain that their guy doesn't talk about sex enough. Why is my effort to lovingly, kindly engage my wife in a discussion about sex such a fruitless endeavor?

 

Lack of sex is a symptom of a bigger problem, i.e., the overall collapse of my wife's investiture in the relationship. That is what makes it so painful.

Edited March 11, 2019 by Rotaglia

[Rotaglia]

It is dawning on me that underneath it all, my wife wants a divorce but she doesn't want to endure the negatives that come with it so she is putting it off and does not have the courage to own her desires and feelings and doesn't respect me enough to share that information.

 

She is consigning our marriage to a slow, excruciating death.

[elaine567]

I feel a strong need to challenge my wife on her distancing, marriage-degrading behavior.

If you remove the sex issue entirely, is her behaviour marriage degrading?

[Mr. Lucky]

My wife is more important to me than sex, but sex is important. Sex is always optional in a relationship. My wife does not owe me sex. What I can't live without is genuine emotional intimacy. As far as sex goes, I am willing to be flexible, kind, realistic, and collaborative on that issue. But you know what? If she really doesn't ever want to have sex with me ever again in any form, period, that is awful but I would just like to know if that's the case.

 

However, I believe there are some really wonderful things about this marriage that are well worth preserving.

 

Your path forward is going to involve resolving the conflict in your own quoted post above. Either the sexual issue is a dealbreaker or it isn't, because you can't have - as you're proving - "genuine emotional intimacy" in a marriage without the physical component.

 

You have two options -

 

- accept the status quo, as Finding My Way states above, you could probably continue indefinitely like this. Your wife seems to enjoy every part of the relationship except for sex.

 

- do something disruptive, which will probably end the marriage.

 

I wish there were other choices but the odds simply aren't in your favor. Sorry you find yourself here...

 

Mr. Lucky

[giotto]

It is dawning on me that underneath it all, my wife wants a divorce but she doesn't want to endure the negatives that come with it so she is putting it off and does not have the courage to own her desires and feelings and doesn't respect me enough to share that information.

 

She is consigning our marriage to a slow, excruciating death.

 

 

She doesn't want a divorce because she is having a great time and you are allowing her to have a great time... she is enjoying all the perks of the married life without a very important component, the only component she dislike - sex, at least with you. Why would she propose a divorce? You haven't had sex for 18 months, so she doesn't think it's a real problem... and she is happy.

[S2B]

If we split up, how I support myself will be my problem to solve, not hers. I do not need to stay married. I would LIKE to stay married but not at all costs. There are some things that I will not and should not sacrifice, like my dignity and self-respect.

 

My wife is more important to me than sex, but sex is important. Sex is always optional in a relationship. My wife does not owe me sex. What I can't live without is genuine emotional intimacy. As far as sex goes, I am willing to be flexible, kind, realistic, and collaborative on that issue. But you know what? If she really doesn't ever want to have sex with me ever again in any form, period, that is awful but I would just like to know if that's the case.

 

However, I believe there are some really wonderful things about this marriage that are well worth preserving.

 

 

It looks like you keep making excuses for her crappy behavior as your wife.

 

She is disrespecting you. She also looks like she is cheating. And you keep rewarding her bad behavior by trying to be the “nice” but weak husband.

 

She doesn’t want to lose half of what she’s earned - and pay you also a monthly amount of money - so she stays put and avoids sex with you. It’s easier than divorcing.

 

I was trying to find a non-threatening way to reintroduce sex. Obviously it didn't work.

I was pretty sure I had been doing that for 23 years.

Sex isn't the sole issue but it is an issue. Other women I have talked to complain that their guy doesn't talk about sex enough. Why is my effort to lovingly, kindly engage my wife in a discussion about sex such a fruitless endeavor?

 

Lack of sex is a symptom of a bigger problem, i.e., the overall collapse of my wife's investiture in the relationship. That is what makes it so painful.

 

More excuses for her lack of participating with you.

 

Do the 180 - learn to care less than she does.

 

She doesn’t respect you. That is a problem in any marriage.

[Rotaglia]

If you remove the sex issue entirely, is her behaviour marriage degrading?

Yes. It includes (but is not limited to):

1. Harboring doubts about the marriage and then stonewalling when I try to constructively discuss what she hopes to change about the marriage.
   
2. Gets mad when I try to engage her about how she is feeling about the relationship.
   
3. Resisting attempt to talk about problems and to seek solutions.
   
4. Abruptly ceasing to have sex and not seeing fit to talk about why for nearly a year and a half.
   

What I would prefer she do is say things like, “Honey, I think it's sweet that you want to make love to me but I'm just not feeling it right now. I'm sorry to disappoint you. Would you like to [something else] instead? I think you're the hottest thing on two legs.” That would feel a whole lot better. She could acknowledge my sexuality and its place in my psyche.

[bathtub-row]

I think if I were in your shoes, I wouldn’t address or even act like I wanted sex with my partner. This level of disrespect would piss me off immensely. By her refusing to talk to you about it, to me, means she doesn’t want to tell you the truth about her feelings toward you. I wouldn’t divorce until the youngest child is grown. If nothing has changed by then, I’d walk. In the meantime, I would do my own thing, disengage from her completely, sleep in another room, and make her wonder if I was having an affair.

[Rotaglia]

I think if I were in your shoes, I wouldn’t address or even act like I wanted sex with my partner. This level of disrespect would piss me off immensely. By her refusing to talk to you about it, to me, means she doesn’t want to tell you the truth about her feelings toward you. I wouldn’t divorce until the youngest child is grown. If nothing has changed by then, I’d walk. In the meantime, I would do my own thing, disengage from her completely, sleep in another room, and make her wonder if I was having an affair.

I would never have an affair under any circumstances (i.e., engage romantically with someone to whom I am not married). That violates my personal code of ethics.

I don't do mind games like making her wonder. That's ridiculous and counterproductive.

Edited March 11, 2019 by Rotaglia