Wife Doesn't Want Sex, Doubts Marriage

[Rotaglia]

I don’t think you want to know what she’s really got going on... if you did you’d start looking for info/evidence.

I want to know. I just don't think launching an investigation makes sense right now.

 

When she says she doesn’t have the bandwidth to deal with it - that’s disrespectful of you and the marriage.

I feel that way, too.

 

Do you feel your lesser earning of income puts you in a position of not having the ability to lead within the marriage?

Perhaps but I think it has more to do with our personalities and the relationship dynamics.

 

Why not make an appointment with a counselor and tell her when the time/day is?

Not a bad idea.

 

Do you feel there is an inbalance of power in the marriage?

Everyone's marriage has an imbalance of power. It's never exactly 50/50.

[S2B]

So when is a good time to start looking into it?

 

If you’re waiting for evidence to drop into your lap - you could be waiting forever.

 

When things seem off - that’s a perfect reason to find out why things have changed!

 

Especially since she won’t discuss it! That’s not nice that she brushes it off - when she knows it’s important to you!

 

When two people marry - they make an agreement to consider someone else’s feelings, wants and desires.

 

She changed the commitment without asking you!

 

I’d sit her down and tell her you are not ok with her changing the marriage without considering your feelings!

[healing light]

Alright, I don't think any of the feedback here is about the real issue. I'm just going to be super blunt with you. This will sound mean but I'm not trying to be mean, I'm giving you my point of view straight up.

 

It's not menopause, it's not that she's bisexual, it's not that she's autistic.

 

She's checked out, she's done. She's lost attraction to you somewhere along the way. Now she just feels guilty because of your history together, but she doesn't sound like she wants this marriage. She might love you but she doesn't sound IN love with you. She may not want to divide her assets up (the way many breadwinning men don't want to) nor throw out a man she views as being incapable of supporting himself sufficiently onto the streets.

 

You think that going from t-shirt and undies to a pair of pajamas and a robe is more dignified to a CEO who likely overworks herself? No. It's not enough. And depending on her industry, she might be surrounded with lots of men during the day who exude masculine energy, only to come home to a husband who needed a big wake up call to get fully dressed.

 

She gets angry at your wooing attempts because it comes across as a thinly veiled ask for sex, after months of "browbeating." And she doesn't want to give it. The spark is gone for her and it looks like she doesn't want to be the bad guy who pulls the plug, which is why she has no problem telling you that she understands if you want to leave her and pursue a woman who will have sex with you. I have a hard time believing a physically healthy woman who was actively in love with you and a monogamous type would ever say that.

 

Frankly, I would be pissed if a guy was blaming marital issues that caused me to lose attraction to him on my hormones. She may not be vocal about what those issues are but I'm sure they are there. She may find them too hurtful to verbalize. From what you stated, you have had long stretches of depression requiring hospitalization, you've gained weight, you're financially dependent on her, she's overworked herself, etc. -- all these things may have built up over years to where she is resentful or doesn't feel the passion anymore. She may no longer perceive you as the partner that she wants. She sounds totally checked out to me on an emotional level and it's gotten to the point where she doesn't want to be physical anymore.

 

That may be why she's resistant to marital therapy, too, because she doesn't want to say what the true issue is or she has no actual interest in rebuilding the relationship.

 

 

These are the real issues in my mind--not her being menopausal, bisexual, lesbian, autistic, an alien, whatever. Come on, man. If you have any shot in hell at repairing this relationship, you've got to stop focusing on the sex and her body chemistry and start looking at the ways the dynamic has changed between the two of you and what she might need from you as a more fully engaged partner.

 

But I think it may be too late, tbh.

[Rotaglia]

She's checked out, she's done. She's lost attraction to you somewhere along the way. Now she just feels guilty because of your history together, but she doesn't sound like she wants this marriage. She might love you but she doesn't sound IN love with you.

Right, that's pretty much exactly the thing of which I am afraid.

 

She may no longer perceive you as the partner that she wants. She sounds totally checked out to me on an emotional level and it's gotten to the point where she doesn't want to be physical anymore.

Yes, I agree that's very possible. But if that's the case, why won't she name the problem so it can be addressed? I am willing to do the hard work necessary. Why isn't she also willing?

 

That may be why she's resistant to marital therapy, too, because she doesn't want to say what the true issue is or she has no actual interest in rebuilding the relationship.

Well, that puts us both in a pretty difficult spot, I would say.

 

you've got to stop focusing on the sex

The sex is not the central issue but rather a manifestation of that central issue. BTW, a sexual freezeout by either partner for a year and a half is far from a trivial issue.

 

what she might need from you as a more fully engaged partner.

What about the "fully engaged partner" that I deserve? Where did she go? And I have not been disengaged for a single minute of this relationship (except for when I was involuntarily in the throes of a major depression over which I had no control). Edited March 11, 2019 by Rotaglia

[giotto]

Alright, I don't think any of the feedback here is about the real issue. I'm just going to be super blunt with you. This will sound mean but I'm not trying to be mean, I'm giving you my point of view straight up.

 

It's not menopause, it's not that she's bisexual, it's not that she's autistic.

 

She's checked out, she's done. She's lost attraction to you somewhere along the way. Now she just feels guilty because of your history together, but she doesn't sound like she wants this marriage. She might love you but she doesn't sound IN love with you. She may not want to divide her assets up (the way many breadwinning men don't want to) nor throw out a man she views as being incapable of supporting himself sufficiently onto the streets.

 

You think that going from t-shirt and undies to a pair of pajamas and a robe is more dignified to a CEO who likely overworks herself? No. It's not enough. And depending on her industry, she might be surrounded with lots of men during the day who exude masculine energy, only to come home to a husband who needed a big wake up call to get fully dressed.

 

She gets angry at your wooing attempts because it comes across as a thinly veiled ask for sex, after months of "browbeating." And she doesn't want to give it. The spark is gone for her and it looks like she doesn't want to be the bad guy who pulls the plug, which is why she has no problem telling you that she understands if you want to leave her and pursue a woman who will have sex with you. I have a hard time believing a physically healthy woman who was actively in love with you and a monogamous type would ever say that.

 

Frankly, I would be pissed if a guy was blaming marital issues that caused me to lose attraction to him on my hormones. She may not be vocal about what those issues are but I'm sure they are there. She may find them too hurtful to verbalize. From what you stated, you have had long stretches of depression requiring hospitalization, you've gained weight, you're financially dependent on her, she's overworked herself, etc. -- all these things may have built up over years to where she is resentful or doesn't feel the passion anymore. She may no longer perceive you as the partner that she wants. She sounds totally checked out to me on an emotional level and it's gotten to the point where she doesn't want to be physical anymore.

 

That may be why she's resistant to marital therapy, too, because she doesn't want to say what the true issue is or she has no actual interest in rebuilding the relationship.

 

 

These are the real issues in my mind--not her being menopausal, bisexual, lesbian, autistic, an alien, whatever. Come on, man. If you have any shot in hell at repairing this relationship, you've got to stop focusing on the sex and her body chemistry and start looking at the ways the dynamic has changed between the two of you and what she might need from you as a more fully engaged partner.

 

But I think it may be too late, tbh.

 

 

I have to agree with this... ^^^ I'm in the same situation. Your wife has lost attraction to you. She's checked out. She likes you and she cares about you, but you are not sexually attractive to her as a man anymore. She wants to be on her own. You haven't had sex for ages. Now, you can try and woo her back, but it won't work. Like me, unless you want a life of celibacy, you have one only option: divorce. Or you could just separate. You will come to terms with this. Yes, it's difficult, but it's the reality. Personally, I'm still angry and I haven't recovered yet. I'm still thinking: how could you that to me after all these years. But the reality is that these things happen. My wife couldn't care less now. She's checked out. And she is having a nice time not having to put up with me... And I have given up trying. It's over.

Edited March 11, 2019 by giotto

[elaine567]

But if that's the case, why won't she name the problem so it can be addressed? I am willing to do the hard work necessary. Why isn't she also willing?

 

Because if healing light is right in her well thought out assessment and she probably is, then it is because your wife is DONE.

Have you never been in a relationship where you didn't hate the other person, but you saw no future, where you were no longer interested in fixing anything, where you really wanted out but were staying through force of habit, or you didn't want to hurt the other person, or you were unsure where your bread was best buttered?

 

Marriage has made this a bit more complicated than a bf/gf arrangement and she sticks around, but the feelings regarding the futility of the situation are no doubt the same.

 

Sex went out the window as a "roommate relationship" is more applicable to the situation you find yourselves in.

 

(btw - forget the pyjamas and robe. Not sexy, few guys can rock that look.

A bit child like too, to be wearing them around the house. You are not a sick kid. They are bedroom attire, keep them in there.)

[BaileyB]

I would bet money on the suggestion from healing light. It seems much more plausible that this is the case than she is cheating. It’s not menopause, she is not cheating, she is not bisexual...

 

She is comfortable in her marriage, she may “love” you but she is not “in love” anymore... And as such, she doesn’t feel the need to have sex and resents your constant attempts to impose on her.

 

I’m sorry. It’s a pretty typical story on this board...

[Rotaglia]

Adultery

Until she either confesses to adultery or I find out about it, there is no sense in making that an issue.

 

Checked Out

I agree that my wife has checked out of the marriage and refuses to check back in. That puts me in a difficult position.

 

Strategy

I could stop pursuing her and work on myself exclusively. I could embrace the 180s strategy. The only trouble is she still wants to hug, kiss, say "I love you," cuddle while in bed, and go on dates. I don't want to fail to reciprocate those things but I'm not particularly enthusiastic about them under the circumstances. I hate making small talk when I feel like we are much closer to divorce than we are to restoration.

 

Sex

If by some miracle my wife were to offer to have sex tonight, the wiser course for me would be to politely decline. It would kill me, but that's the smarter thing to do. I don't trust her with my heart as this moment.

 

Goal

My goal is not to save our friendship. I don't want to be best buds. I don't care to be the world's most helpful co-parent or roommate. I want to restore romantic and emotional intimacy in the relationship first and foremost and worry about the sex piece later.

 

A Sign

It would just be nice if I could get a sign from the woman in my life that such a scenario has a reasonable probability of success. Otherwise it's just a waiting game until one of us files for divorce.

[Mrs._December]

Currently I have a career as a musician that I enjoy but I do not make nearly as much money as my wife does so yes, I'm financially dependent on her HOWEVER I have always believed this was a conscious choice we had made together (because it is). The lack of a "regular" job meant I could spend time with our kids, take them to appointments and social events, activities, etc. and also, quite crucially, spending the hundreds of hours I invested in making sure my beloved mother-in-law (yes, I really do adore her) stopped driving due to dementia and moved to assisted living. I always deflected the thanks I would receive for this because, as I would say, "it's just my job"—we designed our life this way.

Regardless of all the justifications you make for why your wife has to support the family instead of you, it better explains your sheer desperation to insure that you stay together no matter what. Whether you made the choice 'together' for her to support the family or not, the fact remains that you depend on her financially so you need this marriage to stay intact.

 

 

 

I'm sorry, but I agree with Healing Light 1000%:

 

She's checked out, she's done. She's lost attraction to you somewhere along the way. Now she just feels guilty because of your history together, but she doesn't sound like she wants this marriage. She might love you but she doesn't sound IN love with you. She may not want to divide her assets up (the way many breadwinning men don't want to) nor throw out a man she views as being incapable of supporting himself sufficiently onto the streets.

 

 

Sadly OP, you're simply not in a position of power. Like Healing Light said, I agree that your wife sees you as some kind of a dependent she's responsible for and that's why you're still together, even though she's emotionally and physically disengaged.

Edited March 11, 2019 by Mrs._December

[Rotaglia]

Sadly OP, you're simply not in a position of power. Like Healing Light said, I agree that your wife sees you as some kind of a dependent she's responsible for and that's why you're still together, even though she's emotionally and physically disengaged.

Sure looks that way.

Damn it. :-(

[bathtub-row]

My thoughts on this are that, after 20 or 30 years of marriage, maybe you do need a temporary break from one another so that you can come back refreshed. Why not pretend you’re a single guy who can’t get dates and deal with it for awhile? Maybe your wife will start to miss you.

 

My other thought is that, yes, there likely is resentment or disrespect toward you regarding your job. It’s very difficult for women to feel they’re carrying the weight year after year. Most of us aren’t designed for that.

[Rotaglia]

So even though I'm technically not a Betrayed Spouse (BS), it may be that it's time to adopt the 180s.

 

But how do I stop saying "I love you," especially when she says it first? That seems impossibly cold. After all, I do love her. I'm upset and disappointed, to put it mildly, but I do love her. Since neither of us has acknowledged an affair she deserves the benefit of the doubt that is not, in fact, having one, right? Why go there if we aren't there?

Edited March 11, 2019 by Rotaglia

[Rotaglia]

My thoughts on this are that, after 20 or 30 years of marriage, maybe you do need a temporary break from one another so that you can come back refreshed. Why not pretend you’re a single guy who can’t get dates and deal with it for awhile? Maybe your wife will start to miss you.

Perhaps but we have a 12-year-old transgender daughter-becoming-a-son at home who really needs my presence. There is no physical abuse whatsoever. I enjoy living in our home and renting an apartment would be really expensive. Plus I have heard that moving out before it is legally necessary could jeopardize custody because my leaving could be construed as abandonment. Plus I really don't want to separate unless there is no other option.

 

I think the best scenario is to undertake some variation on the 180s.

[Rotaglia]

Do I have to drop my pet names for her:

1. Sweetheart?
   
2. Darling?
   
3. Honey?
   

It would be needlessly passive-aggressive to drop the endearments, wouldn't it?

[Rotaglia]

I don't need to take a break; I need her to give me a break!

 

All I really need at this point is a common goal revitalizing our marriage as a fully intimate romantic partnership. I'm happy to give it time and effort. I know it will not be easy but I do think it will be worthwhile.

 

I survived a year and a half with no sex whatsoever. It almost killed me, but it didn't. What's another year and a half it means we have a stronger marriage going forward:

1. Mutual vulnerability
   
2. Emotional sharing
   
3. Mutual accountability
   
4. Shared goals
   

We already have so many worthy things in common. Our values align nicely. We enjoy many of the same things. I'm intensely fond of my wife. She's brilliant, funny, and knock-dead gorgeous. There's gotta be a way to make this work!

 

I can accept that she checked out. It happens. I'm not pleased that it happened but over the course of 23 years it's not the worst thing in the world. I'd just like her to check back in. Forgiveness is not required.

[giotto]

Do I have to drop my pet names for her:

1. Sweetheart?
   
2. Darling?
   
3. Honey?
   

It would be needlessly passive-aggressive to drop the endearments, wouldn't it?

 

Oh dear... you have a long way to go, don't you?

[bathtub-row]

Perhaps but we have a 12-year-old transgender daughter-becoming-a-son at home who really needs my presence. There is no physical abuse whatsoever. I enjoy living in our home and renting an apartment would be really expensive. Plus I have heard that moving out before it is legally necessary could jeopardize custody because my leaving could be construed as abandonment. Plus I really don't want to separate unless there is no other option.

 

I think the best scenario is to undertake some variation on the 180s.

 

No. I wasn’t implying at all that the two of you separate. I merely meant that you cool it with sex for now. Not that you have much choice in the matter but just leave the whole thing alone for now. That’s all I was saying. Continue as usual, just take s break from that particular thing that has probably become routine. You’ve been together a long time. It’s to be expected that things may go flat for awhile.

 

And, please, don’t be silly. If she says she loves you and you feel inclined to say it back, then do so. Also, I think it’s ridiculous to immediately conclude that she’s having an affair. I know you didn’t draw that conclusion but I hope you don’t let that idea deep into your marriage this point.

[bathtub-row]

Do I have to drop my pet names for her:

1. Sweetheart?
   
2. Darling?
   
3. Honey?
   

It would be needlessly passive-aggressive to drop the endearments, wouldn't it?

 

No, I wouldn’t drop that if I were you. But don’t gush over her, either. Show her the great man that you are, the stable one that she can lean on. You seem awesome and she needs to be reminded of that. The two of you seem very different - she’s business-minded and you’re the artsy type. You probably balance one another out in many ways but those differences can also create tension. Overall, I think you guys have a good thing going. I say just chill for awhile. Do that 180 thing, whatever that is.

[Rotaglia]

No, I wouldn’t drop that if I were you. But don’t gush over her, either. Show her the great man that you are, the stable one that she can lean on.

Okay.

You seem awesome and she needs to be reminded of that.

In Yiddish, we call that being a mensch, a good human being.

The two of you seem very different - she’s business-minded and you’re the artsy type. You probably balance one another out in many ways but those differences can also create tension. Overall, I think you guys have a good thing going. I say just chill for awhile.

I like that she's different from me. That's what cool about her. I am not looking to change her essence. I would just like a few behavioral adjustments.

Do that 180 thing, whatever that is.

The 180s are listed here.

[Rotaglia]

No. I wasn’t implying at all that the two of you separate. I merely meant that you cool it with sex for now.

We haven't had sex in eighteen months, three weeks, four days, seven hours, forty-one minutes, and thirty-one seconds. But who's counting?

[Mrs._December]

You're not going to like my reply, but I'm going to be blunt - you sound desperate and it's highly unappealing.

 

Maybe you should consider getting a job and for once, being in a position of equality rather than continually begging for her love and needing her to support you. Just from what I'm reading, I would be so hugely turned off by the financial situation but then when you couple that with your extreme desperation and neediness, it would be impossible for me to stay in that situation and I think that's kind of how your wife might be feeling. But I think that's why your wife still shows you affection - because you're so horrifically needy and affection really isn't that hard to give.

 

It's not that much of a personal sacrifice for her to kiss you or hold your hand or go out to dinner with you, but more intimate things like sharing her body are simply off the table. It's so obvious that she's merely placating you with the affection because you crave it from her and for her, it makes things just much more peaceful and pleasant at home.

[bathtub-row]

We haven't had sex in eighteen months, three weeks, four days, seven hours, forty-one minutes, and thirty-one seconds. But who's counting?

 

Oh, wow. That’s a long time. Hormones do have a huge effect on a person’s libido but she may just be bored with being pressured for sex. Not meaning that you pressure her, per se, but that marriage in and of itself is a pressure for sex. She has apparently checked out of the whole thing. Not sure what to tell you. I suppose just acting disinterested in her in that regard might be the best move at this stage.

[Rotaglia]

You're not going to like my reply, but I'm going to be blunt - you sound desperate and it's highly unappealing.

Gee. Thanks. That's swell. For your information, I am moving away from desperation and toward resolve and dignity.

 

Maybe you should consider getting a job and for once, being in a position of equality rather than continually begging for her love and needing her to support you. Just from what I'm reading, I would be so hugely turned off by the financial situation but then when you couple that with your extreme desperation and neediness, it would be impossible for me to stay in that situation and I think that's kind of how your wife might be feeling. But I think that's why your wife still shows you affection - because you're so horrifically needy and affection really isn't that hard to give.

I have tried to ask my wife is she objects to our shared choices concerning work and she won't open up about that topic.

 

It's not that much of a personal sacrifice for her to kiss you or hold your hand or go out to dinner with you, but more intimate things like sharing her body are simply off the table. It's so obvious that she's merely placating you with the affection because you crave it from her and for her, it makes things just much more peaceful and pleasant at home.

She clearly enjoys the affection and I am not inclined to withhold it. It just feels a little weird under the circumstances. I can handle that.

[giotto]

You're not going to like my reply, but I'm going to be blunt - you sound desperate and it's highly unappealing.

 

Maybe you should consider getting a job and for once, being in a position of equality rather than continually begging for her love and needing her to support you. Just from what I'm reading, I would be so hugely turned off by the financial situation but then when you couple that with your extreme desperation and neediness, it would be impossible for me to stay in that situation and I think that's kind of how your wife might be feeling. But I think that's why your wife still shows you affection - because you're so horrifically needy and affection really isn't that hard to give.

 

It's not that much of a personal sacrifice for her to kiss you or hold your hand or go out to dinner with you, but more intimate things like sharing her body are simply off the table. It's so obvious that she's merely placating you with the affection because you crave it from her and for her, it makes things just much more peaceful and pleasant at home.

 

 

I agree... but why is she still with him? Because he is needy? Really? I guess she doesn't want to compromise her lifestyle by having to sell their house, raising their kids on her own, basically destroying everything they have built together. This is selfish. No sex for 18 months? I am at month n. 14 and it's no fun. This is cruel. She should have the decency to let him go. Because this is heading in one direction only...

[Rotaglia]

I get the distinct impression that some people disapprove of stay-at-home-dads (SAHDs) but seldom question (SAHMs). You know what they call that? Sexism.

 

Our choices as a couple may be good or bad on the merits, but I refuse to be penalized merely for being male.