Wife Doesn't Want Sex, Doubts Marriage

[BaileyB]

They need to get before a marriage counselor and I just hope it's a good one and both of them get their issues out on the table and see if there's room for improvement.

 

Amen!

 

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[Rotaglia]

A very demanding third child, at that...

Believe what you will. Real life does not align with that.

[Blanco]

Believe what you will. Real life does not align with that.

 

Explain how so.

[Rotaglia]

@Blanco We're both adults. We're equal partners. Any time that we deviate from that is an error. And Freud aside, I am not looking to boink my mother. Next question, please.

@preraph She’s clearly dragging her feet on the marriage counselor but I do not intend to bail her out. She will have to explain herself to me ... and won’t *that* be an interesting conversation? Clock’s a-tickin’.

@Veronica73 No offense taken.

@BaileyB I agree she is not evaluating the relationship but she should be. This is chance for her to show what she values. Honestly I'm beginning to think she may benefit more from individual therapy to examine why she has such difficulty understanding and expressing her feelings than she would from marriage counseling.

 

It'll be the same old story, I'm afraid. She is not interested in examining our life or hers. She wants a husband who won't consume her bandwidth and won't expect sex. It's a recipe for divorce and while that makes her sad, I think she's calculated that she will not act to prevent it, leaving me with the initiative.

Edited May 10, 2019 by Rotaglia

[Blanco]

@Blanco We're both adults. We're equal partners. Any time that we deviate from that is an error. And Freud aside, I am not looking to boink my mother. Next question, please.

 

Yes, but in several key ways, you have not been acting like an adult. Add in that she's been the primary source of income for the family while you've stayed at home playing music, and that adds to this dynamic where I don't think you're as equal as you believe. And that's not a knock on musicians. My dad a fine one, but a lousy provider.

 

@preraph She’s clearly dragging her feet on the marriage counselor but I do not intend to bail her out. She will have to explain herself to me ... and won’t *that* be an interesting conversation? Clock’s a-tickin’.

 

No it's not. Again, you speak as if you're the one with leverage here. You aren't. She has it all.

 

@BaileyB I agree she is not evaluating the relationship but she should be. This is chance for her to show what she values. Honestly I'm beginning to think she may benefit more from individual therapy to examine why she has such difficulty understanding and expressing her feelings than she would from marriage counseling.

 

She has shown you what she values. A family, her career, and a sexless marriage. It's not like she was unaware until last weekend how you felt about the removal of sex from the relationship.

[Blanco]

I think she's calculated that she will not act to prevent it, leaving me with the initiative.

 

Whether or not it's true, it's working. You chastise her for her lack of decision-making regarding this whole thing, all the while steeping yourself in this belief that she alone is the one who has the ability to make this decision.

[Rotaglia]

@Blanco No offense intended, but I must say that not only do I not know what you're talking about, quite frankly you do not appear to, either.

[preraph]

Let's try to be positive and assume she's not just dragging her feet but is trying to find time to really think about whether she wants to do counseling or not. It hasn't been that long. Plus if she's as busy as you say, you know, sometimes you want to just get to the end of one project before you start the next. Like right now, I need to do a thousand things, but first I need to get property tax protest off my mind and desk before I can take on the next stressor.

[Rotaglia]

So let's put it another way:

 

I want to be the kind of husband that adds to my wife's bandwidth and doesn't take bandwidth away. I want her to be thankful that I'm there at the end of stressful day to give her a respite from her job. I want the household to be so well run that she doesn't have to think about it, the kids well cared for, etc. If somehow I am not achieving that goal, I say let's identify the problem areas and address them properly. Our marriage has to be fun and enjoyable and supportive for her. If it's not that we have to either fix it or nix it. Maybe she doesn't want a husband at all or she wants one who will leave her the heck alone. She should own it and say so and let me plan accordingly. To not own that (either because she needs therapy to undercover her true desires) is dishonorable.

 

@preraph Sure, let's be positive. But I can tell she is looking forward to marriage counseling like one looks forward to root canal. So maybe we should just forget about it.

[Blanco]

@Blanco No offense intended, but I must say that not only do I not know what you're talking about, quite frankly you do not appear to, either.

 

OK, then I'll repost it:

 

Yes, but in several key ways, you have not been acting like an adult. Add in that she's been the primary source of income for the family while you've stayed at home playing music, and that adds to this dynamic where I don't think you're as equal as you believe. And that's not a knock on musicians. My dad a fine one, but a lousy provider.

[preraph]

If she tries to sweep it under the rug and hasn't acted on booking a counselor in say 2-3 weeks, you'll have to bring it up again if she doesn't volunteer anything.

[Rotaglia]

OTOH, I think neither one of us really wants to turn the other into an ex-spouse.

[Blanco]

So let's put it another way:

 

I want to be the kind of husband that adds to my wife's bandwidth and doesn't take bandwidth away. I want her to be thankful that I'm there at the end of stressful day to give her a respite from her job. I want the household to be so well run that she doesn't have to think about it, the kids well cared for, etc. If somehow I am not achieving that goal, I say let's identify the problem areas and address them properly. Our marriage has to be fun and enjoyable and supportive for her. If it's not that we have to either fix it or nix it. Maybe she doesn't want a husband at all or she wants one who will leave her the heck alone. She should own it and say so and let me plan accordingly. To not own that (either because she needs therapy to undercover her true desires) is dishonorable.

 

Look, you can spin this any way you want, but again this all comes back to her not wanting to have sex with you. You have not said she mistreats you or is a bad partner other than it relates to her reluctance for sexual engagement with you. So this stuff about "wanting to add to her bandwidth" is just a flowery way of you saying that you want to do whatever will make her want to have sex with you again.

 

And I just don't think it's going to happen. Whatever has happened in the marriage to get her to this point sounds like it's baked in and can't just be remedied with a few tweaks.

[Rotaglia]

Whatever has happened in the marriage to get her to this point sounds like it's baked in and can't just be remedied with a few tweaks.

I agree with that analysis.

@Blanco You accuse me of behaving like a child, yet you parroted your own comment back to my reply, which is transparently childish on your part. Projection much?

 

I can't make my wife have sex with me and I wouldn't want to. That's rape.

I want us both to be in a flourishing relationship of which sex is a natural byproduct.

 

OTOH, there could be something play here which would be a game-changer (but not in a good way), my wife could be (some of these I mentioned much earlier in the thread):

1. having an affair and isn't saying;
   
2. be autistic but undiagnosed (our son is on the spectrum) and that explains the difficulty with emotions and relationships;
   
3. be a lesbian or bisexual;
   
4. be experiencing some early symptoms of dementia (she has a strong family history);
   

Each of these would require different (and hopefully compassionate) responses from her husband. Except maybe the first one. That would anger me, of course, but at least I would know what I'm dealing with and could craft my response accordingly.

 

Note also that it's one thing to have low desire and low libido. It's the response to that condition that's important. Does she want to to fix that or is she content with that feeling as it is?

Edited May 10, 2019 by Rotaglia

[BaileyB]

@BaileyB I agree she is not evaluating the relationship but she should be. This is chance for her to show what she values. Honestly I'm beginning to think she may benefit more from individual therapy to examine why she has such difficulty understanding and expressing her feelings than she would from marriage counselling.

 

Perhaps you misunderstood. I most definitely think that she is evaluating the relationship right now as she is deciding whether to reinvest in the marriage and make that phone call... she is currently weighing her options.

 

As for the suggestion that she would benefit from individual counselling, a word to the wise... I doubt that will be appreciated. The decision to go into counselling is very personal - with respect, it’s a little patronizing and condescending for anyone to tell another person that they think they need counselling. And, it will be of little value if she is not a willing and motivated participant.

 

Again, if her communication style and ability to express her feelings does not meet your needs - you have another choice.

[BaileyB]

I agree with that analysis.

@Blanco You accuse me of behaving like a child, yet you parroted your own comment back to my reply, which is transparently childish on your part. Projection much?

 

I can't make my wife have sex with me and I wouldn't want to. That's rape.

I want us both to be in a flourishing relationship of which sex is a natural byproduct.

 

OTOH, there could be something play here which would be a game-changer (but not in a good way), my wife could be (some of these I mentioned much earlier in the thread):

1. having an affair and isn't saying;
   
2. be autistic but undiagnosed (our son is on the spectrum) and that explains the difficulty with emotions and relationships;
   
3. be a lesbian or bisexual;
   
4. be experiencing some early symptoms of dementia (she has a strong family history);
   

Each of these would require different (and hopefully compassionate) responses from her husband. Except maybe the first one. That would anger me, of course, but at least I would know what I'm dealing with and could craft my response accordingly.

 

Note also that it's one thing to have low desire and low libido. It's the response to that condition that's important. Does she want to to fix that or is she content with that feeling as it is?

 

With respect, let’s not hypothesize... Are you seriously suggesting that your wife has dementia? Or that the woman who has shared a healthy sex life with you for twenty years is a lesbian?

 

Blanco reposted his comment because he wants you to hear it and understand it. You have dismissed him comment yet again, and digressed from the topic of discussion. Following a rather predictable pattern...

[Rotaglia]

Are you seriously suggesting ...

How serious is “serious”? I agree the speculation is farfetched but she is not exactly giving me much to work with here.

 

I doubt my wife would be receptive to the suggestion of individual counseling but I do happen to think she would benefit. There are no plans to raise that possibility.

 

Chances are she will not pursue the marriage counseling either.

She did agree to undertake a rebuilding process. That is the most hopeful sign yet that the marriage can be restored but it is far from a guarantee.

Edited May 10, 2019 by Rotaglia

[preraph]

Go forward with the full expectation that she will try the marriage counseling. I believe she did agree to do that, didn't she? Unless I misread. So don't give her any excuses out or act willing to sweep it under the rug. Let her ruminate awhile, but say nothing that would make her think you're okay with her not taking that step.

[Rotaglia]

@preraph I am inclined to agree with you. Let sleeping dogs lie (like the one in your photo).

[Blanco]

I agree with that analysis.

@Blanco You accuse me of behaving like a child, yet you parroted your own comment back to my reply, which is transparently childish on your part. Projection much?

 

I re-posted it because you said you didn't understand what I was talking about, so I thought perhaps you had missed my post where I (pretty clearly) explained what I meant.

 

If you want to push my comment back on to me, that's your choice. I still think what I said has merit and could help explain why your wife has long ceased viewing you as a suitable sexual partner.

[Blanco]

Chances are she will not pursue the marriage counseling either.

She did agree to undertake a rebuilding process. That is the most hopeful sign yet that the marriage can be restored but it is far from a guarantee.

 

Then the marriage is doomed. You will not resolve this without some sort of third party involvement, and even then, I'm skeptical that this isn't beyond repair.

 

Consider your first post in this thread

 

I tried on several occasions to engage my wife in a loving conversation about why we were experiencing sex death where once there was a sex life. At one point she agreed to "work on" the problem but didn't follow up.

 

...

 

Anyway, I recently shared with her an article explaining that menopausal women in their forties, fifties, and sixties are at much higher risk of a midlife identity crisis which triggers separation/divorce, and my wife agreed that this would seem to comport with what she was experiencing. I felt this was a bit of a breakthrough. Now she says that wants to reaffirm our marriage and work things out. I am relieved, but also very wary. What if she changes her mind again?

 

In other words, it sounds like she agrees every so often to "work" on the relationship after you've hounded her enough about it. Then, nothing happens.

 

As others have mentioned, your wife seems content with the marriage as it is. You are not. If sex were reintroduced into the marriage, you would (probably) be content with it, though I suspect her contentedness would then dip.

 

Neither of you are wrong, but the problem is insisting that you stay together despite this clear incompatibility.

[Rotaglia]

We still love each other. That certainly matters. We have goals and values in common. These are certainly nothing to sneeze at. Sex is not as important to me as my wife is. Yes, I have considered leaving but that’s still quite a distance from dissolving a 22-year marriage forever. G-d brought the two of us together for a reason. She's beautiful, kind, fiercely intelligent, and a great mom. I might regret leaving and I turn fifty in January.

[Tristian]

Sometimes when a thread gets too long things get muddled and it just starts going in circles. I think that's the case here so I'm going to close this one up and give the OP an opportunity to reboot since my attempted "cooling off period" didn't seem to take.

 

 

For all those following along I will add a link to the new thread here when it is opened.