mark clemson Posted March 14, 2019 Share Posted March 14, 2019 Rotaglia, what MAY help you will be to very strongly become a man worth having. I'm not saying you aren't now but consider. IN ADDITION to what you plan (because I'm not saying to stop) you could: - Look into getting a better job and INSIST that your wife pay child care (if your kids are even so young that they still truly need it) - (After talking to a doctor) hit the gym, diet and exercise and get back into truly good shape That way, if and when the time comes, your wife will see a different you walking out the door. It MIGHT be enough to make her see what she's losing, change her mind AND her behavior, and own up to her role in driving you away. Maybe you won't care by that point. But maybe you will. Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted March 14, 2019 Share Posted March 14, 2019 How old are your kids? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rotaglia Posted March 14, 2019 Author Share Posted March 14, 2019 How old are your kids? As stated in the original post, our children are 21 and 12. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rotaglia Posted March 14, 2019 Author Share Posted March 14, 2019 My mother-in-law loves me unconditionally. I love my wife unconditionally. Why can’t my wife love me unconditionally? Link to post Share on other sites
standtall Posted March 14, 2019 Share Posted March 14, 2019 My mother-in-law loves me unconditionally. I love my wife unconditionally. Why can’t my wife love me unconditionally? Unknown.... I speculate she doesn't because she can get away with it. You're the giver and she is the taker in the relationship, and the only person that can change her narcissism and abandonment of the marriage is herself. I bet when she gets served she will half ass work on the marriage, but it will be to late. Please don't fall for it, because it will just drag out the inevitable longer and give her the upper hand later. BTW, the stealth mode tactic you are employing is very good....when you don't have the power at the moment, you delay. Good move. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rotaglia Posted March 14, 2019 Author Share Posted March 14, 2019 My wife’s family has always been wonderful to me and for that I am grateful. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rotaglia Posted March 14, 2019 Author Share Posted March 14, 2019 The male sexual reflex can really get in the way sometimes. I’ve decided to rule out sex with my wife indefinitely, but sleeping in the same bed and not being able to interact sexually is so hard but I don't want to leave the master bedroom. Maybe she should. Sex abnegating, non-communicative, divorce-contemplating wives should not be welcome in the marital bed. Link to post Share on other sites
giotto Posted March 14, 2019 Share Posted March 14, 2019 sleeping in the same bed and not being able to interact sexually is so hard but I don't want to leave the master bedroom. Maybe she should. I did that for some time... it's a torture. At the end, I moved out of the bedroom. I did tell my wife that sleeping next to her with no physical contact was driving me mad... she said I could snuggle up, but no more... well, tell that to my penis... Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted March 14, 2019 Share Posted March 14, 2019 You're the giver and she is the taker in the relationship, . Really??? She is the full time, main bread winner, she is also the person who cooks and cleans and is a fantastic mother... He is a part-time musician who stayed at home, earns little and spent his time wandering about in his underwear... now pyjamas and a robe... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
giotto Posted March 14, 2019 Share Posted March 14, 2019 Really??? She is the full time, main bread winner, she is also the person who cooks and cleans and is a fantastic mother... He is a part-time musician who stayed at home, earns little and spent his time wandering about in his underwear... now pyjamas and a robe... I think he meant from an emotional point of you... Link to post Share on other sites
standtall Posted March 14, 2019 Share Posted March 14, 2019 Really??? She is the full time, main bread winner, she is also the person who cooks and cleans and is a fantastic mother... He is a part-time musician who stayed at home, earns little and spent his time wandering about in his underwear... now pyjamas and a robe... What giotta said ^^^^^^. I'm the bread winner, clean, share cooking, coached many of my kids sports teams, and am what I presume a good father. My wife is a SAHM of 23 yrs who is a great mother, shares cooking, cleans, and gets up at 11 and does what she wants. Guess what?? I'm the taker and she is the giver, and I adore her. Go figure. OP, keep going with the stealth mode. You will end up on top as mid 50s, narcissistic, don't like sex, carrying baggage women are a dime a dozen, and artsy, emotional, considerate, mid 40s musician men are pretty rare. Good luck brother. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted March 14, 2019 Share Posted March 14, 2019 I think he meant from an emotional point of you... Is that true though? Seems to me, the only sticking point is the sex. They are able to talk about anything, she gives him hugs kisses and cuddles and tells him she loves him, but when it comes to sex it is a no go and she then accuses him of "browbeating" her about it... It is not about who is giving and who is taking. The marriage works on so many levels. This is about sex, pure and simple. She doesn't want to do it any more and he is desperate for it. An impasse. Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted March 14, 2019 Share Posted March 14, 2019 So the daughter that is 12 is self sufficient. You will be capable of working during the day. What kind of work are you qualified to do? Link to post Share on other sites
Timshel Posted March 14, 2019 Share Posted March 14, 2019 (edited) This is about sex, pure and simple. She doesn't want to do it any more and he is desperate for it. An impasse. This is all well and good except according to OP, she has not/apparently refuses to discuss this with her spouse of 22 years. It can't possibly be only about sex if communication between the two is so abysmal. What loving wife withholds sex and simultaneously refuses to discuss? Edited March 14, 2019 by Timshel sentence structure Link to post Share on other sites
giotto Posted March 14, 2019 Share Posted March 14, 2019 Is that true though? Seems to me, the only sticking point is the sex. They are able to talk about anything, she gives him hugs kisses and cuddles and tells him she loves him, but when it comes to sex it is a no go and she then accuses him of "browbeating" her about it... It is not about who is giving and who is taking. The marriage works on so many levels. This is about sex, pure and simple. She doesn't want to do it any more and he is desperate for it. An impasse. It might be just about sex, but men see sex as an emotional vehicle too. Personally, I cannot separate sex and the love for my wife. Without sex, you take away a big component in the marriage, at least for me. I find it difficult to connect. You become just friends, roommates, two people parenting. I'm experimenting it now. After 14 months of no sex, the connection is gone. I'm detaching and I see my wife as a friend. The marriage is over. BTW, I meant to write "an emotional point of view". Sorry about that. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
giotto Posted March 14, 2019 Share Posted March 14, 2019 What loving wife withholds sex and simultaneously refuses to discuss? My wife... Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted March 14, 2019 Share Posted March 14, 2019 This is about sex, pure and simple. And if you were held underwater while everything else in your life was going great, it would be about oxygen, pure and simple. I get that you don't share the OP's - and almost all other men's - need for sexual expression as a core value. But that doesn't make it any less real to him and others in the same situation... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted March 14, 2019 Share Posted March 14, 2019 Yet, again, women underestimating the importance of sex in a marriage. This is what causes them to end up in divorce court - and shocked by it. Never ceases to amaze me. Link to post Share on other sites
Timshel Posted March 14, 2019 Share Posted March 14, 2019 That's not it though Bathtub-row, OP's wife is 56, successful career, two kids and married/living with this man for 22 years. It isn't that she 'doesn't know.' That she starts crying when he brings it up is . Women her age know about peri menopause and menopause, or plain old I'm tired. There is a possibility that OP's wife has made attempts to discuss and OP did not listen until she said go.somewhere.else in exasperation. We only have half of a whole story here. That said, the crying and lack of compromise instead of mature discussion with her husband who she claims in all other ways she 'loves so much,' seems disingenuous at best. Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted March 14, 2019 Share Posted March 14, 2019 It might be just about sex, but men see sex as an emotional vehicle too. Personally, I cannot separate sex and the love for my wife. Without sex, you take away a big component in the marriage, at least for me. I find it difficult to connect. Agreeing as well, sex and emotion very often go hand in hand. For both men and women if in different ways. OP seems to at least be trying to show love for his wife, so it's only fair to give credit for that. And she may be showing love back in some ways, but not in for what is for him and many men the way that counts most. Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted March 14, 2019 Share Posted March 14, 2019 The crying when a conversation is attempted is just purely avoiding talking about it/manipulation! My question would definitely be: why are you crying? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rotaglia Posted March 14, 2019 Author Share Posted March 14, 2019 (edited) After 22 years, my wife doesn't get to silently dump me as her boyfriend and expect to retain me as her husband. She preceded it and followed it with no discussion or opportunity for me to respond with kindness, love, concern, and understanding, claiming later that she was afraid of my reaction (What am I, some sort of wife-beater? No.) as if my reaction would improve over time. If she was trying to serve the marriage through this behavior, she failed in that duty. If she was unconsciously trying to foster divorce, she unfortunately excelled—a collossal betrayal of her own values, never mind mine or ours. Her good intentions are largely beside the point, for it is the foolish and cruel actions she chose to undertake that jeopardized our marriage. Edited March 14, 2019 by Rotaglia Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rotaglia Posted March 14, 2019 Author Share Posted March 14, 2019 Would it have killed her to say, “I know sex is important to you. I'm having difficulty with it. Can we please discuss this? I know it's painful and I'm sorry.” Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rotaglia Posted March 14, 2019 Author Share Posted March 14, 2019 “I love you” is not a get-out-of-jail-free card. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rotaglia Posted March 14, 2019 Author Share Posted March 14, 2019 This thread is not a debate over the merits of a sexless marriage. Our marriage waa not one. She doesn't get to convert the marriage from sex life to sex death without de minimus my advice and consent. Link to post Share on other sites
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