Getting cold and disrespectful to get me to break up first? **Updated**

[Calmandfocused]

Ps. You are going through a grieving process which goes hand in hand with interchangeable up and down emotions. Don’t be too hard on yourself about this and allow it to happen. She didn’t treat you well. You’re allowed to feel angry. It’s part of your healing journey

[hp1]

Could use some words of wisdom today, not feeling so strong this morning. Strange urge to contact her With rationalizations coming up like "well maybe she is just waiting for me to contact her since she never did anyway even before" and "if I hear back from her than I can stop thinking and wondering so much". Or " if met and just fooled around then could feel good a bit" etc etc. I haven't reached out but these thoughts really strong today.

 

I guess one of reasons is I'm mostly alone every day with not much contact or friends to do things with.i did mostly everything with her.

 

Can someone help talk me down? Highndry?

Edited March 17, 2019 by hp1

[Highndry]

She didn't leave anything to the imagination when she said she does not want a relationship with you anymore, so why would you think she's "waiting for you to contact her?" Makes no sense.

 

All contacting her would do is set you back to square one. I'm sure if you texted her she'd respond back with some small talk, maybe even say "hope you're well," or something, but then what? Nothing. She doesn't want a relationship with you. You're not going to get anything you want from her anymore.

 

Worse, if you continued to contact her with texts and small talk, etc., she would probably at a certain point have to ask you to please stop contacting her. How would that feel? Bad, I'm sure. If there's one thing I've learned in life, it's that you leave women alone who aren't interested in you. Otherwise, you're just making a bad situation worse.

[hp1]

thank you for that. Rationalizations that come up are "well she didnt say didnt want relationship with ME, said wasn't avail or one right now, wish she was but isnt'. Then that text a week ago saying 'she misses the park" (we used to go). She hasn't interacted all with my social media but I can see that she still checks my posts. Her last text also said" things are still not good (In her life) and she is very busy, but hope will be better soon."

 

I guess since even during good phase of relationship I usually initiated that I thought maybe she just waiting me to reach out like always. I know i'm looking for excuses. She wasn't cold or off putting in her last reply. In fact she used lots of exclamation points and seemed much more happy that in texts before the breakup. Maybe thats because I left her alone for a week. or she just happy to be free from me. And she replied with minutes of getting my text. I guess those give me false hope.

 

The time we met before the breakup, she did infer she would be open to meeting fo sex, but not for relationship. I probably couldn't handle that even if she still felt that way. That offer may have changed after we officially broke up too. Thats the other thing, she never came out and said we broken up. She just said she cant have relationship right now because of her kid. She also said in previous conversations that her feelings changed. I guess having hard time accepting that that happened.

 

She used to be so happy to see me. Without friends to hang out with, i'm alone most of the time. She was my main social connection I had and would be only time I went to restaurants etc. Going alone now would just depress me more. Ive asked some people I know to invite me out, but as said before ive been kind of shunned since they know my situation.

Edited March 17, 2019 by hp1

[hp1]

She liked one of my posts on social media, first time in like 5 weeks. I'm not looking at hers and have not contacted. I guess means nothing like friendly gesture or trying to force me to keep her in mind. Anyway, still working on sorting my situation

 

 

Really tough part is the friends in my class pulling away and ignoring me. I've apologized twice for burdening them with the never ending story and have not mentioned it in few weeks. I just try make small talk but still getting cold shoulder. Sucks because they were the few people that I enjoyed chatting with daily in class. Closest thing to friends I have here.

[hp1]

Day 10 NC/Day 18 Post BU

 

Was able to focus on things needed to do yesterday and got a lot done. Still surprised she hasn't reached out at all, except for that one like on social media. Still in semi Anger phase both at her and myself for the way I acted and behavior I allowed, as well as how she treated me to try to get out. I can see she was never really committed but she KNEW I thought she was and played along. That makes me angry. I listened to words not actions.

 

Trying to rebuild by reputation with clients and colleques from the fallout of talking about this so much and oversharing my issue with them. Was in panic mode and reaching out to anyone who would listen. Lesson learned. Do that with therapist or come to site like this one.

 

Not out the woods. Not sure how would react if she texted me. must get prepared in case happens

[hp1]

tough day today. Still NC. Just saw the guy who I imagine she may be dating now and left me for (no confirm) and had thought to go up to him and say "so she told me you are dating now" to see if he confesses. If he did, then I would text to her that her reason she gave for breakup was BS and she is a horrible person for dating one of my clients and setting it up during our relationship. I want to know, but I don't. Having trouble letting the desire to know if she cheated with him the whole time or is dating now. I know this is pointless but its what is coming up right now. I did do it, but had urge to when I saw him.

 

Please tell me how stupid and pointless this is so I can let go it.

[hp1]

anyone? still NC but having trouble letting go of thinking if she is with that guy and/or was with him before we broke up. I know, doesn't matter, but how to let go of it? She hasn't reached out either.

[Blanco]

I would sever the social media ties. That she can still see your posts suggests you can still see hers. You two shouldn't have any idea what the other is doing.

 

It's normal to wonder when or if they'll reach out, but at a certain point, that thinking can become detrimental to you moving on.

 

Also, it's not unusual to think about what things we could've done to make things change. The harsh truth is, a lot of the time, those things wouldn't have mattered. We have to remember that they weren't perfect either and the onus shouldn't be entirely on one person to do all the right things all the time. That takes any of the ownership of the breakup off of one person, when really, both people play some degree in the demise of the relationship.

[hp1]

I guess you are right. I have not looked once at her posts and dont plan to because I know I cant handle it. I just dont want to unfriend her yet. Im staying NC. I guess all it means is she can see mine stuff, but she isn't checking for last few days. I am hoping as time goes on this will get easier. Some part of me just wants to know how she looks at this (happy, relief, sad, regret, nothing,..) and I dont know WHY. want to know this.

 

She could contact me if she wanted. But she isn't so that is telling me all I need to know. I guess is just a slow realization that the person I thought she was is not the person she is anymore or ever even was.

 

I am feeing a bit more like myself and gettin some sense of me back. Its slow but happening. Not having constant worries about where we stand, etc. has helped since was under constant daily stress for months worrying about what would happen with us and why she pulling away.

[hp1]

just wanted to post an update. Been almost 3 weeks im staying NC. Gettin easier each day, but still wondering what she is thinking and doing sometimes. Go though periods of anger where Im cursing about her in my living room (bit crazy eh) but its just what is coming up.

 

Mad at her for how she treated me and for not wanting to see if we could fix issues but more mad at myself since ultimately It was on me to see the red flags and have balls to walk away. One thing I learned from this is my self esteem and self worth is not high enough and/or I think romantic love is most important thing above all else. Both of these issues and priorities need to be reworked and until they are, relationships will all go the same fate and my 'picker' will always be off.

 

I need to chose myself first always (in a good way) and then able to offer to someone else. I gave up who I was and we both suffered as did our connection. I did not face reality both in the beginning my ignoring the signs she was not a good match, nor at the end when it was clear she was done.

 

Well, at least having some insights. focusing on job issue, and not contacting her.

[hp1]

UPDATE: well, its been over 8 weeks of NC. No call, text, or SNS. And it was the best move I could have done. I feel about fully back to myself before the whole ordeal with her (hesitate to call it a relationship). I can see clearly now how much she was not right for me and all the signs my friends were trying to remind me of. I just didn't want to listen. And I see how poorly I handled things with her and with leaning too much on people for support. I am sleeping and eating better than I have in last 8 months, business opportunities are opening up, and I am talking and meeting new people. It's like she was poison that is finally out of my system. I dont blame her entirely of course. I could not se that she was not wanting what I wanted and I refused to let go. Wasn't pretty but I am out. I am thankful to everyone here who replied as it helped me get to this place. Honestly, this board was big part of the feeling strong enough to do what had to be done (let go).

 

The only thing I am still left with is feeling Anger at her for how badly she treated me in the end and for also never being honest and verbalizing that she didnt want anything serious with me, but let me go on believing I was in a committed relationship. I am also frustrated with myself for letting me debase myself so much and become such a needy fool to keep someone who wasn't even good for me. Having trouble with those 2 feelings. But overall in 1000 percent better space!

[TheFinalWord]

Nice job on NC!!

 

I personally would remove her from your social media, but that's me. Mainly because you don't want to be tempted to indirectly communicate to her through your social media. For example, "landed a great job today!" in hopes she'll read it and reach out. It still keeps some of it alive IMO.

 

But where you are doing really good is you are catching your irrational thoughts and not allowing her to know you are still hurting.

 

Being angry at her for her not acknowledging her mistakes is very typical.

 

Men are hard wired to try to fix things. We keep thinking there is a solution, when there isn't. Sometimes women will say really cruel things at the end so the guy will give up and stop trying to fix things. They sabotage the hope of reconciliation. So, I wouldn't take any of it too personally. That was her strategy to get you to stop trying. Not saying it's right or wrong, it just is.

 

This woman was very attractive and when we get an opportunity to date an attractive woman (and maybe it's a rare thing in your life), we tend to develop one-itis and invest completely. Alternatively, attractive women have tons of options and operate from a natural abundance mindset. So they do not worry about losing a guy because there's a million more around the corner. The problem is, many of these women do not have the skills to work on a relationship and to get over the hurdles.

 

They just give up and move onto the next guy, assuming the mythological "Mr. Right" might be right around the corner. It's never them, it's that they "can't find a nice guy" and "are there any good men left?" Rarely do they work on themselves, but believe it' just a matter of finding the right man, as opposed to becoming the right woman. I say all this to say that there was nothing you could do. She is not GF material.

 

You're doing the right thing. Time heals all wounds.

Edited May 7, 2019 by TheFinalWord

[hp1]

ah, sorry I should have mentioned that I have unfollowed her on social media as well. I have no urge to se her stuff and made it so that she cant see mine.

 

Thank you for your thoughts, that is helpful to consider. I for sure had the worst case of scarcity and one-itis known to man and it just hastened her desired departure because of the desperation I was putting out.

 

She was not GF material but I thought I could just 'will her' into it somehow. Does not work I found haha..

 

It helps also to know she was saying all those hurtful things to get out. She may have meant many of them but thats OK, it just shows how much she wanted me to stop, as you said. Im just glad she is gone and have my sense of self back.

 

Thanks again for your reply.

[TheFinalWord]

You're welcome friend. Glad the last social media connection was severed.

 

A lot of these factors are biological. When a woman is breaking up with you, her reticular activating system kicks in and it focuses on finding all of the negative things about you, amplifies them, and hones in on them, all while ignoring the positives...all the good things that attracted her to you in the first place. Also, a lot of women that have been abused by men are used to using harsh words to fight back against the person that is abusing them. That's the only way they know how to communicate when a problem arises in a relationship. They're used to abusive guys telling them off and so that's the only way to break up that they know.

 

I don't know your exes past, but if she's being so harsh towards you, it may be because she doesn't know how to resolve problems in a mature way. Her typical approach to relationships is to get caught up in the honeymoon phase. When that wears off, or a bump in the road pops up, she decides to dump and tells the guy she is dumping off in such a way that it burns a bridge. Quickly moves to the next guy, never works on reflecting on herself and improving, but continues to believe it's just a matter of finding Mr. Right, while never focusing on becoming Mrs. Right. It's a pretty common pattern. That's why it's important to detect red flags early and bail. No matter how lonely you are or how pretty the girl is. The heartbreak isn't worth a few months of surface level companionship.

 

My golden rule for red flags: Damaged people, damage people. If I see a history of abuse, talking bad about all exes, they all cheated on her, all abused her, or she has tons of short term relationships, all signs of emotional scars. There's something going on. Either her picker is off, or there are reasons all these guys are dumping her. Especially if she's really attractive. Guys won't easily let go of an attractive woman. The older she is, the more this matters because she's likely accumulated a lot of damage and is less likely to change. Major red flag.

 

The pain you feel is separation anxiety. The nerve signals of this anxiety feel very similar to physical pain.

 

What also happens is when you have sex with someone, a cascade of bonding chemicals are released like vasopressin, oxytocin. These hormones make us bond to the person so when the bond is broken, it is literally like breaking a chemical drug addiction. Very difficult. That's why NC is helpful. It's sort of like going cold turkey off a drug. Withdrawal and relapse (reaching out to an ex) are common, but just like in drug addiction treatment centers, talking about it in these forums helps (not always with friends as they get tired of it).

 

Sometimes NC causes the ex to come back. But usually by that point those bonding chemicals have lost their effect, and you begin to see how the person is not a good match, and don't want to try again. Some people do, but unless both people have done a lot of work on themselves, it just ends up back in the same place.

Edited May 7, 2019 by TheFinalWord

[snowcones]

Just now reading this thread, and men are just baffling to me. Instead of working on being strong and confident and fixing your career, which is what she needed from you, you focus on everrrrrrrything else. She was clear with you. Women are clear with many men, they just choose not to hear it and hear what they want.

[hp1]

you are half right. yes, my part of this was I lost focus and let her become to central to my happiness. Thats on me. So she lost attraction. The part you are missing is SHE WAS NEVER COMMITTED TO A RELATIONSHIP FROM THE BEGINNING but led me on the think we were serious and exclusive. She flat out lied to me, period, and continued to let me treat her to meals, gifts, etc even though had no intention of continuing with me. She played me. That's on me yes, but it doesn't change what she did either with game playing, lying and manipulation.

 

TO the rest of you, Thanks everyone, just an update for you. Its been about 4 months and I have never broke NC and never contacted her nor heard from her. Not once. I am doing great with my business and healthy and happier for sure. She was a poison to me I couldn't seem to stop drinking. I still feel some anger now and then, but I know nothing I can change about what happened and you can be sure I learned from this. I will not ignore those red flags the next time and wont compromise myself that much for a relationship ever again.

 

Thank you all SO much as I could not have gotten through that hard stage without all your input and support. Sincerely thank you.