Getting cold and disrespectful to get me to break up first? **Updated**

[hp1]

thanks guys. its funny, I keep cycling between how much of this was my fault and how much I understand why she did what she did but take issue with the way she did it. I know I dropped the ball by being clingy and losing focus on my life and making her center. I didnt make effort enough (or she didnt see potential) in my career.

 

At the same time, I think she had orbiters and back up guys the whole time. If certain traits in a guy like independence and confidence are not there and financial security is important and with 2 kids at her age I can understand. But doesn't give her excuse to start with someone before finish with me and treat me like **** to get me to end things. Also when we first started there were red flags too.

 

I know people are self interested and from what I read a lot woman especially attractive ones always have back up guys. Her being insecure as well its no surprise.

 

So I got lame excuses for the break up (no time for relationship, want to be more with my kids etc) but also said she lost her feeling and that didnt see future with me which I guess is true.

 

Today I guess blaming myself more than her but doesn't mean I will contact. Just feeling bit bad I didnt address these sooner.

 

Even if we were to try again which I know would be bad idea, I would have to work on my insecurity and financial issues and become me again which will take time.

 

Talking to her wont let me focus on that and get to where I need to be.

 

Was blaming her a lot last night but today feeling more my fault. Doest excuse her dating and disrespectful behavior though. Not sure how to look at this now. Anyway will keep focus on me and sorting my situation

Edited March 9, 2019 by hp1

[hp1]

We are now broken up as she finally dumped me about a week ago after many attempts that I was able to convince her to give it some time.

 

As things got worse, I got more needy and desperate and she pulled back more and wanted out (no surprise). I got a lot of reasons (too busy for relationship, no future with me, lost feelings, my job too unstable) most of which are true, partly true, or just BS.

 

Towards the end she showed all signs of ether emotional cheating and/or physical but I never got proof. lots of classic signs but she is very smart and I could never prove. She is very attractive and is type to need lots of male attention and lots of orbiters. She is 40s and I am 50s.

 

Towards the end she took me for granted, started nitpick me and disrespect a lot to get to me break up I guess, but I wanted to keep tying. Eventually she had to do it and after a while I fully accepted defeat and let her go.

 

There were many red flags she was never really committed and stringing me along that I ignored. But also as fel more in love with her I lost focus myself and got needy and smothering.

 

I think she lined up someone and cheated before leaving me and when felt secure she could make the jump she did. Some days I understand what she did and I know her insecurity and selfishness was reason she did this instead of waiting until we were done. At the same time the way I became just killed the attraction.

 

Its been a week and I struggling a lot. I need to fix my issues and improve my situation and forget her for now. I wanted to marry her and have future but her feelings left and probably wasn't that invested from the start. I may have been fooling myself all along seeing what I wanted to see.

 

Feeling and views on this change daily, but finding it hard to stop thinking and analyzing everything. I want to know the truth if she did actually cheat but as I said I probably wont know and wont change the outcome. She gave up and perhaps found a better deal or just wanted to be free again.

 

Anyone else go through this on ether side (dumpers or dumpees)?

Edited March 9, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[hp1]

Its been a week of NC. I wanted her to know im not pissed at her and although I know im not ready to be friends yet, I did send her quick note to say 'hope doing well'. I didnt want her to be afraid to reach out because thinks im mad at her. Probably hadn't heard because she on with her life and not care

 

Anyway, 2 minutes after I sent, she replied ' hi! thanks! things arent going well and busy. I hope all be better soon. Nice day today. Miss the park" (we used to go there).

 

So I replied " I really hope things improve and have a good class today. Yes miss the park too."

 

She texted back thanks and wished me a good day as well.

 

So I told myself I just wanted to send this olive brach text but I cant not send more or start to read things into this. nothing has changed. I dont think it set me back and im still not looking her social media since I know I cant handle it.

 

I think I wont wonder now how she feeling towards me so hopefully question answered and can go back focus on me. If there is any more contact it should come from her. I wont text again. I didnt care if she answered or. not, thats why felt was OK to send.

 

Now have to let it go.

[basil67]

I don't understand. In each post you make about her, you list all these red flags about her behaviour. You frequently talk about her disrespect, you think she's cheating, you think she needs male attention, etc, etc. In the unlikely event she wants a second change, can you embrace her as she is, red flags and all without question?

[hp1]

I think in the unlikely event that were to happen I would remove all expectations and would be a casual only thing as I don't feel can trust her. I would not try have serious relationship again. I guess the point was trying to make was that despite those flags and the crappy way she treated me in order to get out of this, I do recognize how my behavior played its part in killing the attraction and people are free to go after what they want. I think even if I didn't act needy and had great career path, she would still have orbiters and back up plans and so forth. It just would have taken longer to end perhaps.

 

has anyone been on either side of this kind of situation?

[bathtub-row]

It has been my experience that men immediately conclude that a good-looking woman who’s losing interest in them is doing it because they’re cheating. While that could be true, you need to understand that just because a woman is attractive to the opposite sex, doesn’t mean she’s just waiting for the next great guy to come along so that she can dump you. It’s much more likely that there was something about you that turned her off and that’s why she wanted out. Until you know for sure that she was cheating or was interested in someone else, don’t just automatically draw that conclusion. Jealousy alone can destroy a relationship.

[d0nnivain]

Take a step back & breathe. You are in the acute phase. It really hurts because this break up just happened. Even though you saw it coming, your world changed. You no longer have a built in BFF / playmate who is always there. You are now alone & the direction you thought your life was going has been altered.

 

Let all that sink in. It's OK to grieve the loss you suffered. You just can't wallow for a long time but holing up in your home this weekend is perfectly fine. Take a few minutes to disconnect: unfriend / unfollow her on social media; delete her # from your phone etc.

 

When you feel a bit stronger move on to the purge phase -- get rid of the stuff, the mementos, the reminders etc. If you can't throw it out, box it up, along with all the pictures. Save them to a thumb drive & put that in the box if you can't bear to delete them but get them out of your immediate sight.

 

Next will come the changes. Rearrange the furniture in your house. Add some new decorations -- new comforter; throw pillows for the couch. Just make your living space different so it's harder to picture her in the space.

 

Then you can start to make your life changes -- getting fit, finding a new hobby, getting a better job, whatever it is that you want to work on for you.

 

In time you will be ready to love again. Best wishes.

[hp1]

@bathtubrow : thank you. I didn't make that assumption lightly. I'm not sure how much of the initial post you read but there were flags from the beginning even during the honeymoon phase that I ignored. That said, I do accept my behavior led to loss of attraction and it became a chicken and egg situation. Which came first? Her emotional unavailability or my clingyness? Not sure, but that cycle just got worse. The more she joked about her cheating and infidelity (her sense of humor) the more mind-effed I got and clingy. Anyway, there were all the signs of classic infidelity at the end but I admit no hard proof. It doesn't matter now as she is gone and all I can do is try to find a more emotionally open partner next time as well as work on my own anxiety issues that manifest as needyness which I thought was just really wanting to be with someone, but to an extreme as I've learned.

 

I can only work my sudd of what went wrong. I wish I picked up on her hints earlier or she told me how much it bothered her and I could have tried harder to correct. As for her constant need for make attention, flirting, and jealousy plots...well that is just her personality I guess and doesn't mix well with me I guess.

 

I guess the good news from all this time for introspection and time away from her is I can see now what happened along the way and Ive learned how being too nice and available is an love-killer in relatonship. Like I said, she her part too, but I know what I need to do from here on out.

 

Just wish I kept my sense of self in the relationship instead of becoming the nice/perfect guy. Boring. I bored her right out of the relationship. Lesson learned. Probably no point in letting her know I realize this since its too late. We rarely get the real reason when we get dumped, but I think I have enough of a sense of it now.

 

@donnivain: thank you

Edited March 9, 2019 by hp1

[hp1]

Well more twists and turns as I try to unravel the 1 year of confusion. Recently been reading about "place holder relationships". It seems very very clear from the beginning until the way I was let go that this was my role. To be a placeholder until she found the "one".

 

You like them more than they like you.

 

Family & friends is off limits.

 

You're not splattered all over their social media, but their lunch is.

 

It’s always you that texts first.

 

They cringe at public affection.

 

Their phone is always face down on silent.

 

Never talk about future

 

 

100 percent all of the above from the get go.

So yes, I made it more uncomfortable for her with my clingyness but now I know why I felt insecure as well. I sensed she wasn't committed and I reacted by clinging instead of walking away.

 

Knowing this makes me feel a bit better and resolute to move on. I'll still work on my issues but this was never going to work.

[Commongoal123]

Hp1,

 

I have experienced similar tones to what I read in your posts. I am only in my 30s, but have experienced it with 4 different women since my mid 20s.

 

You need to get objective about your situation. I know it hurts, and I know you feel responsible. I know you cannot stop thinking about it. I have felt the same way.

 

Look at everything objectively. Look at it from an outside perspective as though you're viewing your own situation as though it is that of a friend of yours, or even a stranger.

 

What does all of this look like to you?

 

To me, it looks like you're taking on too much responsibility for her ****. You're being over responsible.

 

What DIDN'T you do to save this relationship with a woman that you felt love towards? You were willing to change per her skewed perspectives towards you. You were patient. You gave HER chance after chance (not the other way around). She was the one making excuses and ****ing all of this up. She was the one creating problems that didn't need to be there. She was being judgemental.

 

And I hate to say it, but the one red flag that keeps jumping out to me was her repetition regarding money, and what your job/income is. She wants money and attention. Period. And sounds shallow as ****.

 

Does that mean you don't need to do better for yourself? No. It isn't either/or. She could be shallow and want money, AND you could probably do better for yourself. Her opinions and perspectives and making problems when there aren't any are NOT a reflection of you as a person OR any shortcomings. They are a reflection of hers.

 

Don't listen to the people on here that say you did something wrong by "being clingy" or being suspicious. The people saying this are likely the same types of girls as your ex.

 

You weren't a millstone around her neck. Look at your feelings of self worth. She was a millstone around yours. Clearly. Because look at how far down you've gone. It doesn't matter if you were down before. You're further down now because of the weight of this bitch's issues.

 

You were suspicious because YOU HAVE REASONS TO BE SUSPICIOUS. Emotional distance in itself is enough to cause suspicion. Throw in lying, deceit, excuse making, and pretty much anything that gets in the way of clarity, and you get suspicion.

 

Of course you chased her. Of course you wanted to know what was going on. You loved her, and she was not being kind.

 

The only thing that is on you is ignoring the red flags you saw, and not treating yourself with enough respect to leave (and perhaps not get involved in the first place). And if you did leave, I'm sure it would have devastated her.

 

I know how hard it is to do that when you feel alone and your work is a mess. And can't imagine feeling that way in my 50s.

 

If she reaches out to you, do not respond.

 

If she gets mad or sad or anything that is emotionally unstable, ignore her.

 

She will not change, and you will continue being on a crazy making merry go round with her.

 

You are not doing anything wrong by distancing yourself and taking care of yourself.

 

Make the changes you know you need to make FOR YOU. If you are happy the way you are otherwise, then don't change anything.

 

And don't listen to anyone on here who even remotely sides with this woman.

 

Stay away from her and disengage. It will be one of the most counterintuitive and difficult things you do. And consider the term "over responsible" and what you decide you are responsible and at fault for. I know you did everything a person could have possibly done to salvage this relationship with her.

 

And maybe reflect on your role in your family. Did you historically have to take on a responsible role at a young age, and was your upbringing or household chaotic?

 

If so, you have more reason to believe that this isn't your fault.

 

Make the changes for you that are good for you.

 

Disappear from this woman and see her loose her ****.

 

Do NOT engage. Even if she threatens suicide.

 

You are not responsible for her problems and inadequacies.

 

Keep your head up.

 

-Common

[Highndry]

You just went and did the very thing you know you shouldn't have, and you set yourself back. You are now riding some emotional high because she acknowledged you, and now you're hoping for more contact from her but as the days roll on, and she doesn't make contact, you're going to find yourself right back in the same spot, starting all over again.

 

You cannot heal and move on from this relationship until you go NO CONTACT. No contact means NO CONTACT. You are now back at square one.

[hp1]

I felt like it was a way to communicate that I accept what happened and I'm not bitter (although I'm getting there). Not excusing it but I didn't plead or ask to meet or reconsider anything and I've no desire to reach out again. Her bs reply of things still not going well and her life so busy tells me all I needed to know. I've since read more about being a placeholder in a relationship and starting to see more clearly for myself she was never invested.

 

I admit that I never experienced this kind of relationship or games and I wasn't good at it. I'm too trusting and naive I guess to not realize people you trust can lie right to your face and not blink an eye. I won't make this mistake again and my radar has been tuned.

 

Yes technically back to first day nc but not back to square one as I don't hold out hope and don't expect to hear from her. But I know what your intention is and appreciate it. It was a semi form of closure for me I guess.

[Highndry]

...I felt like it was a way to communicate that I accept what happened and I'm not bitter (although I'm getting there)...

 

 

Why in the heck would you care if she thought you were bitter? You shouldn't give two effs about that. In fact, you should hope she thinks you hate her for what she's done.

 

You are looking like the world's biggest doormat to this woman. She treats you wrong and walks all over you, insults you, dumps you, and you reach out to let her know you're not bitter and you hope she's ok? Good lord, man, find a spine. The only words you should have for this emotional vampire are f*** off.

[hp1]

-common: thank you so much. Your post reasonated with me as well also really helps clear the fog of what she is and what I need to do. Thank you I'll reread this thread again a few times as highanddru suggested if feel anyway tempted.

 

I think you are right that I tried to sustain and be overly responsible. In fact my folks fought a lot growing up and I always tried to get them to calm down as it made me feel nervous. They divorced. Also had narcissistic older brother who ridiculed me despite that I thought he was the coolest guy. Always tried to get his approval but never came. Just anger and humiliation. I can see this in her. Patterns eh? Anyway thanks again for the thought provoking reply and support.

 

The community here is great and I'm very grateful for everyone's replies. Please keep them coming I'm not out of the woods yet.

[hp1]

Your way of describing me is a bit harsh and making me feel worse about myself. I know you are right I'm not arguing that, but are the insults necessary?. I'm already feeling like ****. I know trying to knock some sense into me. Calling me a doormat and not having a spine is just insulting me.im doing the best I can with my my current state.

[Commongoal123]

-common: thank you so much. Your post reasonated with me as well also really helps clear the fog of what she is and what I need to do. Thank you I'll reread this thread again a few times as highanddru suggested if feel anyway tempted.

 

I think you are right that I tried to sustain and be overly responsible. In fact my folks fought a lot growing up and I always tried to get them to calm down as it made me feel nervous. They divorced. Also had narcissistic older brother who ridiculed me despite that I thought he was the coolest guy. Always tried to get his approval but never came. Just anger and humiliation. I can see this in her. Patterns eh? Anyway thanks again for the thought provoking reply and support.

 

The community here is great and I'm very grateful for everyone's replies. Please keep them coming I'm not out of the woods yet.

 

You're welcome man. I am happy that what I've learned through my own emotional pain has resonated with you. It gives meaning to my own hardships.

 

I'm sorry to hear about your upbringing. It certainly seems like the dots connect.

 

If you find yourself slipping, and don't have access to re-read anything, just remember the worlds "over responsible".

 

That doesn't make you free from any responsibility, but reflecting on it may help.

 

Try not to overthink things. The answers are simpler than they appear. Once the overthinking floodgate opens, it's hard to shut. That might just be me projecting one of my own personality traits onto you, but I wanted to say it anyway.

Edited March 10, 2019 by Commongoal123

[hp1]

I've been nothing but overthinking this. It is pretty clear as you and highandry have stated. I got involved with a selfish manipulative person and kept trying to change her in vain (over responsible).thanks again. I will not contact and I'll focus on what I need to do

[Commongoal123]

I've been nothing but overthinking this. It is pretty clear as you and highandry have stated. I got involved with a selfish manipulative person and kept trying to change her in vain (over responsible).thanks again. I will not contact and I'll focus on what I need to do

 

The best thing I have found that works so far when I start to overthink, is catch myself when I'm doing it.

 

It can manifest in a few different ways.

 

Specifically, when it comes to a breakup like you're describing, I have overthought by simply thinking in my own mind, reading articles online on mental health, and looking up information. It is about 50% internet and 50% thought.

 

So when I catch myself going online and looking up information to try and "figure things out", I tell myself "you're over thinking" and I stop and I go do something else.

 

I do the same when I find myself analyzing the hell out of a situation in my own mind.

 

Otherwise I'll chase the White Rabbit into Wonderland and constantly be late... just like him.

 

The drive to think and "figure things out" will remain, but I've found that it passes. Sometimes it takes a few minutes, sometimes it takes the rest of the day.

 

Don't chase the rabbit, or incapable women.

[hp1]

The feeling of abject rejection after letting this person know me so well and trying so hard to make it work is very strong and rejection (although no one likes it) has always been an Achilles heel for me (or esteem would be more to the point).

 

I thought I found my partner for life (was really great in the beginning) and I wanted it so bad I ignored all the signs and saw what I wanted to. Thats how bad I wanted it to work with her. Tried to force a loving relationship on a person who was never invested. Also suspect I was sexually addicted to her.

[hp1]

The best thing I have found that works so far when I start to overthink, is catch myself when I'm doing it.

 

It can manifest in a few different ways.

 

Specifically, when it comes to a breakup like you're describing, I have overthought by simply thinking in my own mind, reading articles online on mental health, and looking up information. It is about 50% internet and 50% thought.

 

So when I catch myself going online and looking up information to try and "figure things out", I tell myself "you're over thinking" and I stop and I go do something else.

 

I do the same when I find myself analyzing the hell out of a situation in my own mind.

 

Otherwise I'll chase the White Rabbit into Wonderland and constantly be late... just like him.

 

The drive to think and "figure things out" will remain, but I've found that it passes. Sometimes it takes a few minutes, sometimes it takes the rest of the day.

 

Don't chase the rabbit, or incapable women.

 

wow, I can relate. Ive spent whole days researching and reading and thinking. Like I will solve this puzzle or maybe by talking about it with anyone who passes and reading about it, I somehow keep the 'relationship' with her alive.

 

It does sometimes lead to moments of insight but the cost is high (amount of time invested versus what I get out). This is a bad habit ive been doing since the break up (and last few months) so thanks for reminder it wont bear much fruit.

[Commongoal123]

The feeling of abject rejection after letting this person know me so well and trying so hard to make it work is very strong and rejection (although no one likes it) has always been an Achilles heel for me (or esteem would be more to the point).

 

I thought I found my partner for life (was really great in the beginning) and I wanted it so bad I ignored all the signs and saw what I wanted to. Thats how bad I wanted it to work with her. Tried to force a loving relationship on a person who was never invested.

 

I've been there man and I know how you're feeling.

 

And I hear what you're saying. And although you ignored the signs and you're hurt, it doesn't mean there is anything wrong with you. I've done it, and I'm sure others have done it on these forums as well.

 

Instead of telling yourself you tried to force a loving relationship on a person who was never invested.... try looking at it from a perspective where you aren't being over responsible. Because that is what you're doing in that statement.

 

Did you ignore the signs? Yes you did, and that is something you're responsible for (but how else will we learn if we don't make mistakes?)

 

Did you force a loving relationship on a person who was never invested?

 

I think you need to draw a line there...

 

She showed you she wanted that loving relationship initially, no? Were there signs that seemed like she did, despite the red flags you ignored? I'm sure there were.

 

You aren't responsible for the failure of this relationship.

 

You didn't "force" anything on her.

 

You fell in love, ignored some red flags while doing so, and she was incapable at reciprocating.

 

That part isn't on you. It's on her. And is a reflection of her deficiencies. Not yours.

 

We all want to be loved; it's human nature, and it is how we have survived as a species as social creatures.

 

It is the people who are capable of loving who are the great ones. Those who are incapable are the ones who are truly lacking something as a person.

[Highndry]

Your way of describing me is a bit harsh and making me feel worse about myself. I know you are right I'm not arguing that, but are the insults necessary?. I'm already feeling like ****. I know trying to knock some sense into me. Calling me a doormat and not having a spine is just insulting me.im doing the best I can with my my current state.

 

 

My friend, somebody needs to knock some sense into you. I'm not trying to insult you, I'm trying to show you that the way you are acting is the opposite of what you should be doing.

 

This woman is trash. She has treated you very poorly. She has awful boundaries, lets other men touch her in front of you, touches other men, insults you, is critical of your life, and yet here you are reaching out to her to let her know you're "not bitter?"

 

It's not hard to deduce what's going on here. You want this woman back, and that's exactly why you reached out. My friend, you aren't getting this woman back. She dumped you, and she gave you every reason in the book why you will no longer be with her.

 

No contact is your best and only option here. Anything short of that is only hurting you, and dragging things out. I promise you this - down the road you will have wished that you told her "seeya!!" the very first time she even insinuated she was losing attraction.

[hp1]

You are probably right, thats why I said im not debating your advice. Im sure im not the first person to break NC initially post break up, but that doesn't make it right. I did it, got the reply and now no more. All you said is right. I know she has sailed on and her reply just confirmed it (still busy and things not well in her life..ie more excuses). The disbelief combined with the hope that I could love her enough for both of us or her to be nice again is rooted in old issues that I need to address. Takes some people longer I guess to realize they have been had and played. Now I know what I need to work on. Thanks for reminding me.

[Highndry]

The sad thing is you are making things harder on yourself. You are blaming yourself for a lot of things you had no control over, ruminating about "if I had only done this, if I had only done that." Trust me, it would not have made a difference. Things were never going to work out with this woman.

 

No contact is almost like quitting a drug, or alcohol or something. You have to go cold turkey. It seems difficult at first, but it gets easier. Every time you break no contact and reach out to her, you are starting over at square one, mentally. You are weak right now, as we all are when somebody dumps us. It's a very painful experience. But you're not going to heal or stop hurting until you get this woman out of your life completely.

 

Touching base with her and exchanging meaningless "hope you're doing well" blah, blah, blah type stuff is a hindrance to your progress. You get nothing out of that except for more pain and agony. Over the course of the next several days you are going to realize that. I'd strongly recommend never reaching out to this woman again as long as you live, and for somebody as wounded and hurt as you I think blocking her email and number is for the best. That way, you can't suffer a setback if she selfishly contacts you because her fan club is running a little thin.

[hp1]

The sad thing is you are making things harder on yourself. You are blaming yourself for a lot of things you had no control over, ruminating about "if I had only done this, if I had only done that." Trust me, it would not have made a difference. Things were never going to work out with this woman.

 

Its hard to know where the line between my fear of being left (which translated into being too nice, boring, predictable) and her never being serious actually was. I know I cant know. And im not trying to be overly responsible, but even with a more mature women, this overly nice/needy thing damages connection and attraction. I guess im focusing on what I did or didnt do as a reason since maybe gives a little feeling of control as opposed to powerlessness (she would have left even I did everything right).

 

When she broke up with me after first 3 months, it triggered my abandonment issues so badly that I vowed to myself to be cheerful and perfect guy (people pleaser) to never lose her again. It was doomed as soon as we got back together with that attitude. But she also dumped me that first time without even discussing the issues beforehand. she just out of the blue broke up with me.

 

All mental masturbation in a way, but also knowing why this happened (at least my part) can at least give this experience SOME meaning.

 

Ive had this happen with other women (this is 3rd time) but those women were never not trustworthy or play as many mind games as this one. but they did turn angry and disrespectful as a response to (or I did this because they were emotionally unavailable?) my neediness and making them the center of my world.

 

The only defense I can give for this current woman is I was up her ass, so to speak and trying to meet everyday and really nothing much going on in my life except for her. I cant ignore that as at least an accelerator to the rapid change of feelings and perhaps why she started looking around. Or I could be completely wrong.

Edited March 10, 2019 by hp1