Getting cold and disrespectful to get me to break up first? **Updated**

[Highndry]

It's good to be introspective but not to the point of obsessive. I think you need to add something else in your life at this time. A new hobby, meet a new friend - something to get your mind off this woman. Eating, sleeping and breathing the demise of this relationship is no way to move on. And contact with her is the worst possible thing you can do.

[hp1]

I will need to move on I know and trying to. Writing here helps to get the thoughts out so will keep doing that. I won't contact.

 

Had nightmare of her and a guy last night and barely slept.

 

I Know won't change anything , but I wish she didn't have this image she has of me. That I told her early on about the depression and how that was affecting my confidence and drive. Instead she just sees me as lazy and boring. I wasn't this way before becoming depressed but she thinks it's just seeing me clearly now. I don't want her to have this lasting image of me and think this is who I am and always be.

 

I'm imagining she thinks "I'm so glad to be free if this guy who has no future and goals and is not a strong man that I need. So happy now I found a normal interesting guy". I can see now all the things I'd do differently, including telling her I'd become depressed. and it's frustrating and heartbreaking that i can't tell her now and try again. I know she wasn't right for me but at least I could knowt that my clingyness wasn't a factor.

 

I'm sure she is not thinking about me and is just glad she dodged a bullet and having fun in honeymoon phase with another guy. I really can't believe I actually lost her and she gave up. I saw this coming but I didn't take action. I also didn't know how much me not working steady bothered her and how boring the relationship became. I was not able to match her energy and confidence and lost her. These are thoughts I m having today. Not saying they are true 100% but partially and just writing them out.

 

Please don't say why do I care or what's point of writing this. I'm writing my thoughts. No such thing as closure, I know. I can't say this to her do saying here.

 

Feel down on myself today and really bummed out. Still idealizing her I guess. Thanks

[Highndry]

You know what? If you would have told her you were depressed, she would have ended it even sooner. This woman is an emotional vampire. She's not there for you, she's there for her own self interests. Those are the worst women in the world. They are not emotionally supportive, and your well-being is of no consideration to them.

 

Worry about what you CAN control from now on. You say you are unhappy with how you presented yourself as weak. So, be strong from now on, and don't make the same mistakes with the next woman. Look for the red flags, and choose somebody who appreciates you the person.

[hp1]

thank you, its very good advice. I'm really struggling today. Maybe lack of sleep or the waves that come after this kind of thing. Having hard time today with acceptance. What I am about to say is not logic just emotion: im really missing her today and having hard time keeping it together. Being bombarded with thoughts of her, memories, things we did together, etc. I want so bad to be with hr like it was before. Every place I walk I see or think of something we did.

 

I thought getting job was going to be the thing she wanted to stay together and she agreed to 2 months but I see she never meant it. Then says too much going on with kids and need to attend to them and cant have relationship. I guess she figures if I got job then she needs another excuse that cant be argued with. How could I have made up our whole relationship? was she faking most of our time? I believed she loved me despite her attention seeking behavior. I thought she just enjoyed being with me and I didnt realize she was so bored. I never thought from her side if exciting to be with guy who talks about nothing but her and her life.

 

But if she has moved on to someone else or did so before she left me, its just too much to bear. Especially if she did and its the guy I think who is a client of mine. Worst part is I dont know, will never know, and not sure I want to know. So confused what actually happened and I want to know, but I dont think can handle it.

 

All I know is I cant stop thinking about her face and all the times we spent together. She seemed to enjoy the first part of us, how can she just throw that away? I never cheated on her the whole time we together. Even now the idea of being someone else I have no desire.

 

The people I know here who arent exactly good friends, but semi friends are all tired of hearing about it and have shunned me since they see me as pathetic now. My reputation has taken a hit and I dont know if they ever see me same way again. How can I have nothing to show from all this damage? I dont even have her! It's like her life goes on as normal, perhaps even a lot happier., and I'm left in the dust wondering what the hell happened. I did ignore the signs so I cant blame this shock all on her.

 

I know im rambling but just so overcome today and sitting in pizza place sobbing like a bitch. this sucks. Wish could get more control over emotions and think more positive. Therapy not helping so far.

 

I cant believe all I gave of myself and did to show her love she could just throw me away like this. I just cant accept it yet.

Edited March 11, 2019 by hp1

[Highndry]

It is going to take a while to heal from this, my friend. This is why it is PARAMOUNT that you go no contact. It allows you to eventually move on. The quick texts with her set you back. I have been through it, I know how it feels. But you only have yourself and you have no choice but to soldier on.

 

As you have seen, friends and even family get tired of hearing about it. It's just a reality. They don't know what to say anymore. That's why I suggested a new hobby or something to take your mind off of it. Only TIME is going to help you, and you can't get to that point when you're still pining away for her and reaching out. You need to end all contact.

 

It takes a good few months for the shock of something like this to wear off. While it's true you're grieving the loss of her, you're primarily grieving the loss of a future you thought you would enjoy.

 

Forget thinking about who she may be with, etc. That's poison, man, and you'll never know the truth anyway. Every man who loses/breaks up with a woman has to accept that she's going to be banging another guy, probably sooner rather than later. Hey, my ex is banging some other guy, too! Do I like to think about that? Hell no, she lived with me and slept in my bed for 2 solid years.

 

Buddy, you can do this, I promise you. You're depressed which is making things worse. I'm not quite your age but I'm probably only 5 years younger or something. I have been through this stuff, I promise you. It gets easier with time. But you've got to stop hoping to get back together, obsessing about things you'll never know, and worrying about that which you can't change.

[hp1]

Thanks so much. Really appreciate the support. I think I'm analyzing so that if I find an answer I can apply it fix it like a lawn mower. Feelings don't work that way. Hers changed and no matter how I slice it or dice it result is same. She won't feel same way again. Attraction is gone and love was prob never really there. But for sure attraction is gone. I can't solve this and make her want me or act in ways that I wish she did.

 

I remember today a girl I lost feelings for when I realized we had little in common and some things she did my attraction just plummeted. Didn't even want to have sex anymore. I made excuses and tried to avoid spending time with her too. Felt so bad because she was so loving and sweet but I grew bored of her and I lost interest. She did nothing wrong. So I stayed with her far too long out of guilt. I cheated on her and she never knew. Again karma. The cheating didn't lessen my feeling for her it was a result of it. And the person I did it with was so much more my type it made it even more clear we were not a good match. My current ex says this towards the end (nothing in common).

 

My old flame did nothing wrong. I just changed my perception of her and nothing she could say or do could make me feel attracted again. Ironically she broke up first (which I should have in this case) and my desire for her skyrocketed but it was just reaction to having control taken away.

 

So perhaps this is karma coming to pay a visit in a strange way.

 

Need to be more proactive in moving forward and stop trying solve something that is unsolvable. Feelings. She isn't going to call and even if did because missed certain parts of our past doesn't mean wants me back. Just as I could never go back with that woman.

Edited March 11, 2019 by hp1

[Highndry]

There is no way to avoid the pain or fast-forward through it. Some people jump right into a new relationship to try to mask it, but that doesn't really work.

 

Viewing her loss of attraction through your own lens and experience with that is the right way to look at this situation. Put yourself in her shoes the next time you want to make contact, and imagine it's a woman you're not attracted to trying to do the same with you. It becomes an annoyance, and that's the last thing you want to be.

 

I am sure she did initially find you attractive and what not, but her feelings changed based upon the entire experience. That's not unusual, that's why they call it "dating." It's also why I know that if you would have shared your depression, it would have just been another nail in the coffin. You were not to a point in the relationship where this woman was part of your support structure and would have been there to help you. Quite the opposite.

[hp1]

Thank you for that. New medicine and therapy not helping much.

I've placed her in this elevated status above me where all her faults she saw in me I've internalized and agree with. In my mind I wasn't successful or interesting enough for her and she lost interest. I'm deducing that I couldn't hold on to an attractive, confident, smart, sexy woman. I never even considered all the options she had since thought she rested loved me regardless. I was naive. Hypergamy is new word and concept for me. Late in life to learn it. Now I imagine her with this other successful guy who is confident and he is getting her laughs, her body, her attention. My confidence is so low now that I hesitate to even smile and chat with women because feel without solid career and social life who would be interested?

 

She isn't thinking about me at all and that makes me really sad. After all we shared and did together. She'll never see me as that confident, attractive guy again no matter how many changes I make. That makes me sad too.

 

Bit down today obviously. But haven't contacted.

[hp1]

Feel frustrated and bit angry today. Mostly at myself but also at the situation. No matter how much I want to be working right now the things I'm going after are aren't panning out. This is the time when I could really use a break and would help lift me up. People who know about this who previously supported me I guess got sick of hearing about it or judged me in some way for not walking away so now are shunning me from the social circle I once enjoyed. I've stoped talking about this issue and try be cheerful and engaging but it's like they won't accept me back into the group so to speak. That makes me mad because I'm the one in pain why should I be shunned? Then with her just keep getting images of her with someone with normal and good job who she respects and is laughing and having fun, glad she escaped this guy with no direction and friends who acted weak. I don't want to wake up with these feelings and thoughts. So frustrated at everything. And many things about it I can't change or control. But still wanting things to be different nonetheless. So many mistakes I made with handling this whole thing. It's like I blew up my life.

 

No one sees me the same anymore and I can't undo it. I'm angry at her for causing all the problems but I know ultimately it's my fault getting into this vocational problem and letting relationship affect me too much.

Edited March 13, 2019 by hp1

[Morello]

Given the way you describe your life - depression, no friends, no job, no hobbies - I think being in a relationship (or being dumped by someone) is the smallest of your problems.

 

Not trying to be mean but I think you should really focus on getting better at those things. There's always something to be done to improve your mental health (therapy, meditation, reading), your physical health, your education and career prospects.

 

I know it all sounds a bit scary to go after all these things but given you see yourself at the rock bottom, the positive side is that you can become better more quickly.

 

If I were you I'd completely forget women exist (unless maybe for some quick sex to satisfy your needs) and would focus on your life and how to fix the problems you mention. Or just at least try to get involved in things you like to do, try to get some satisfaction out of your daily life. Even if it's just a movie, cooking a healthy meal, etc.

 

To me it seems that you think a relationship will fix all your problems but that's not the case as you notice it first hand. Your extreme focus on her and who she might be with is just useless. It will only contribute to your demise, not your success.

 

Just try to become at least a little better everyday and you may be on your way to being happy and more accepting of yourself. If you don't accept yourself an your shortcomings (we all have those), you'll never be happy. Not even a relationship with a hot, confident woman will change that.

[hp1]

thank you, great viewpoint and reply. So let me paint a clearer picture.

 

depression: wasn't before but started during the relationship. of course its much worse now she dumped me.

 

friends: havent had real or good friends in years. just people from gym or coworkers etc. Because I talked their ear off with this and I didnt follow their advice, now even those people avoid me like a lepper. Just when need friends the most.

 

job I tried having my own business here so its not like a lost a job, but I did lose clients and income. Now I am looking for a regular job but am still doing some clients on the side.

 

hobbies never had a lot outside of fitness. I exercise every day and it used to give me a good bump but now I dont notice any difference my mood.

 

Eating before her (and during a little bit) used to cook for myself and eat very healthy. After she broke up and got back with me, I decided to take her out all the time to keep her entertained. once depression started I stopped cooking and am eating junk all the time. except for breakfast.

 

met with therapist today. will work some of those things. hard to do even laundry but I have to make changes and stop trying figure out who she with and what happened as you say. it just bring me down more.

 

I can see now how much I depended on her to feel good about myself. way way too much. now she gone so her rejection is my rejection. Im not sure how to become more accepting. Right now I just feel lower than everyone I see on the street. Self esteem never been this low. Ill try small things.

 

For one thing at least I know a woman can not save me. I guess unconsciously I thought she could. Thats big part of why she left I guess.

 

The worst part? im left with this nagging feeling that she is better than me and was right to leave as I dont have much to offer (passive, boring, fear, clingy, lack of drive and clear goals, immature thinking /naive (she said this) ...etc)., I do have some good qualities but these really kill attraction.

Edited March 13, 2019 by hp1

[Highndry]

friends: havent had real or good friends in years. just people from gym or coworkers etc. Because I talked their ear off with this and I didnt follow their advice, now even those people avoid me like a lepper. Just when need friends the most.

 

job I tried having my own business here so its not like a lost a job, but I did lose clients and income. Now I am looking for a regular job but am still doing some clients on the side.

 

I remember a time over 20 years ago when an old friend from childhood lost his girlfriend. She broke up with him because he was basically a loser, for lack of a better term. He wasn't working and he was smoking pot and drinking all the time - not traits most women find attractive.

 

At first, all of us friends were consoling him, trying to help him, etc. In the beginning, it seemed normal for every conversation with him to be dominated by the breakup and how great she was and how much he missed her. But after several weeks of this turned into months of incessant complaining about the loss of her, we'd all heard it too many times and we were tired of it, especially since he heeded none of the advice we all tried to help him with. We started talking among each other about how draining it was, and we stopped hanging out with him as much. He was a real downer.

 

This guy spent the better part of 2 years lamenting the loss of this woman, and by gawd were we all sick of it. We had offered him all the best support we could muster, but nothing resonated, and he wasn't making any changes in his life to address the reasons he lost her. Any human being will tire of this crap.

 

I am not comparing you to him, I am merely speaking from the standpoint of somebody who has been in a situation where a friend was really affected by a breakup. I don't honestly think his pain was any worse than anybody's when they go through a breakup, he was just outwardly verbal and wasn't challenging himself to make changes and better himself.

 

Eventually, he moved on and found another girlfriend, and he didn't talk about the old one anymore.

[hp1]

I appreciate your intention but I'm not sure what to say to your post. You didn't directly compare me to your friend but loosely you did to make the analogy. Did you have to use the word loser and associate with being jobless? Im feeling bad enough as it is. I'm not a drug user or drinker and I'm also in a serious depression for months having been with a shady person who eroded trust snd my sense of self. If I had stronger boundaries I would have left but I wanted it to work out and thought if loved her enough she might change. Naive I know.

 

The friends I spoke with was not for 2 years. Maybe 5-6 times in total over 2 months. Problem I made is they were not good enough friends to be hearing all this despite their eagerness to help and listen in beginning. The fact I was not in a place to be strong enough to take their advice (to leave) doesn't mean I didn't agree in some part of my mind. They said nothing is changing so not much more they can say. But even after telling them she broke up with me, they continue to ignore me instead of being there as friends to help me get through this. I dont even mention her anymore and just try be cheerful but it's like they made up their mind and created image of me they don't want to let go of.

 

I know your point is to show me how annoying it is to be the listener, but I'm not close to being in your friends case. so because someone is not in a place to take good advice for whatever reason (fear, attachment) he should be forever shunned? The mistake I made was thinking these people were actually friends rather than just people I know from a class. They offered support and I took them up on their offer.

 

Anyway, if I had more friends I wouldn't have to rely on semi-strangers for this kind of support from them.

 

I'm struggling to keep hopeful and my head above water each day looking for some reason to get up. I'm alone in this and trying not to go under.

 

Some days I feel stronger and I feel angry at her and blame her for not communicating these issues earlier and not working on our issues together. Other days I blame myself entirely for not being stronger to do what I needed to do and not heeding the signs. She was unhappy for last 4 months of our 1 year relationship and probably just stayed out of guilt because I had done nothing wrong per se and she probably my liked the security but felt trapped. I guess this is why isn't contacting me and must be happy now to be away from me and out getting new validation and attention from guys she deems higher value.

 

She is social to the point of extreme and tons of guy friends and I'm a bit introverted and not many friends. I didn't think this bothered her but I've since learned about this idea of "social proof" and "dating value". I guess I thought people just love and accept you for who you are. Naive I guess as I said. I know exactly some things I did killed her attraction (too availabl, needy, not challenging or standing up to her, not having interesting life) but I'll never know how much other things like I don't have same level of fashion/style, money, or her just never being committed from the beginning played a part.

 

I know it's impossible to know exactly and I guess that's why people get stuck after being left. I doubt I'm the only one based on how many articles and posts about this, on this site alone.

 

I want to make these changes and know I need to. I'm looking for jobs, contacting old friends, seeing career coaches, therapist, tried medication but decided not for now. I mediated 2 days in a row and did 2 loads of laundry. For me this is some progress.

 

I notice 2 voices in my mind. One that wants to move out of this and make good choices and the other that feels it's hopeless and wants to give up.

Edited March 14, 2019 by hp1

[hp1]

I know tryin to help and appreciate it. Just a bit sensitive I guess because of my outlook right now. I get your point. Im not talking about it anymore with those people. We will see if they can forget in time.

 

Havent contracted but still getting pangs of feeling wronged by her and uncomfortable with this lasting image she must have of me now, instead of a more balanced one. Especially if with someone now who has more of what looking for or generally more balanced. Keep having trouble accepting she really didnt love me that much or was ever truly invested.

[hp1]

Today I only spent 1.5 hours reading abiy breakups instead of whole day. Thought about her of course. But today managed to

- meet with recruiter for advice

- think of ways promote my business

- contacted realtor about find new space

- talked to 1 stranger

- asked someone at gym if like to have lunch sometime

- had hard workout

- smiled more

- brought my lunch and less junk.

 

It's a start

[hp1]

Starting to feel angry more now. What I wish could say to her is "after all we have been through and as well as I treated you, you can't even give me a straight and honest reason why leaving? Your kid is not the reason. It's bull****". And so she gets to walk away from this without having to face the shame of going behind my back (probably) and lining up another and cheating (most likely)? She can just waltz right into next relationship leaving me with lies and trauma as a consolation prize. Well I guess it's a rude awakening to how some people operate. Will never trust a woman again, not after this it's not worth the risk and pain. **** I'm an idiot

[elaine567]

OMG, this apple is rotten inside, I will never eat another apple for as long as I live...

Madness eh?

[hp1]

If you got terribly terribly sick from the apple then yea..it makes sense to steer clear of apples (serious relationships). I see your point and I know there are good people out there. But seems my picker is off so I don't trust my judgement. At least now

Edited March 15, 2019 by hp1

[hp1]

Been 1 week NC, 2 weeks post breakup (was dumped as many of you know).

1 year relationship, she dumped me before (this is 2nd time). Treated me like crap to get me to end it, but eventually she did it. Shady behavior from her the whole time which kept me always off balance.

 

Have not looked at her social media or reached out so 7 solid days NC. Still struggling a lot and not sure how to process or let go of these things feeling and thinking. Keep swirling around in my head most of the time.

 

Any other dumpees have advice how to make progress with the following.

 

REGRET that...

- was clingy and smothered her the more she pulled away

- didnt make effort to maintain my own identity and that killed her attraction

- didn't stand up for myself as she got more disrespectful.

- didn't heed the signs to either change my approach or just end things myself.

- I wont get another chance to show my best self to at least know I did my best

 

ANGER at

- even I did all I could to show her love, I wasn't enough for her.

- She treated me so badly at the end despite how well I treated her

- she didn't care enough about rel.to talk about the issues and work on them.

- she was probably playing me the whole time, never giving whole truth

- myself that I was naive not to see this (or did but just wished it wasn't true)

- that she got over the relationship WHILE IN IT it and is happy now but Im left in this emotional hell

- having to be alone now.

- that someone else is getting her attention and affection now.

- at myself for not trying harder to correct my side of the issues.

 

DESIRE to know....

- Did she ever consider us in a relationship or did I make it up?

- did she cheat or not and if so with was the person I think it was?

- what was the real reason of all the many she said?

- did she ever love me or just played the part while she was just entered for a while then left when wasn't fun anymore.

 

I have days where I am really mad at her and feel OK about not being with her. Then other days where completely bash myself for failing being able to keep her.

Right or wrong, thats what comes up.

 

Anyone have success in dealing with the above and if so, what did you do?

Edited March 15, 2019 by hp1

[hp1]

Part of me WANTS to know so I know I wasn't crazy and those signs I saw were true. I want to know so I know what kind of person I was really with and gave my all to.

 

At the same time, I DON'T want to know because it would be really more painful, especially if it was with someone I know. I think I'd sink to another level of anger and depression.

 

Of course even I ask, I wont get the truth. I missed my window while in the relationship to get proof since only way would have been hiring a private detective.

 

I dont talk with her (NC 1 week) and I dont look at her social media because I dont want to see more questionable signs (many likes of a guys posts or photos that could be something but maybe not).

 

I want to know but I don't. how to move forward with this gnawing question?

[hp1]

Struggling a bit today to be positive but trying. Appreciate the support on this board from everyone. I welcome your thoughts and experience. Still NC. Thoughts and feelings all over the place today. Any help is great, thanks!

[Marc878]

You'll get thru it ok.

 

Only NC and time will help you.

[hp1]

Thank you, I'm doing both. What's most troubling is the massive regret I didn't work harder on addressing my side of the issues that led to her losing attraction. I can't seem to accept what I did and that I don't get another chance. I was needy and placed too much burden on her for my happiness. I wish she could know that I realize this but she can't because I'm not talking to her now.

[hp1]

its amazing how much the mind will create stories and images and keeps pulling me back into trying to analyze what happened, why she couldn't tell me about it earlier, not try to work it out.,etc etc.

 

Still havent contacted. its been 1 week since last contact and BU was 2 weeks ago. Feels like she died or part of me died. Huge hole in my life and she received so much of my attention (one reason why it didnt work). Now sitting alone in cafes and imagining her out laughing and being physical with new guys. Poor me, I know. Feel so damn lonely. But Im. not contacting.

 

Starting to feel angry but not sure towards her. For sure towards her for giving me BS excuses to break up, for treating me like **** to try to get me to break up (I should have but was too attached), or for dumping me and now leaving me to deal with all this. After how well I treated her. Seeing people laugh and having light fun times time makes me mad. I can feel getting bitter. this isn't good.

Edited March 16, 2019 by hp1

[Calmandfocused]

Op, you’re doing great. Congratulations on reaching the one week.

 

However you’re hurting like hell! I get it completely! Heartbreak can feel unbearable but you are doing all the right things.

 

The constant thinking about her in everything you do will go in time. As will that physical longing and the persistent weight in the pit of your stomach. All of it will go. You’ve just got to hang in there.

 

Carry on Op. You’ve got this!