Getting cold and disrespectful to get me to break up first? **Updated**

[Highndry]

Trail Blazer has made some excellent points. Read his post multiple times.

 

To reiterate: IT DOES NOT MATTER WHY she wants to end it, the only thing that matters is that she wants to end it. That is the only message you needed to hear.

 

This is not meant as an insult to you, but any self-respecting man would leave immediately when a woman tells him that she has lost interest in him, does not want to have a relationship anymore, etc. They are gone like the wind.

 

This woman has tried everything she knows, short of telling you to eff off and to never call her again, to show that she does not want a relationship with you anymore. When you are pressing her for reasons she's trying different ones to see what will work to get you to go away. Yet you are acting like a stage 5 clinger. It's making you look weak and pathetic in her eyes. She has told you as much, yet you're asking if you can still text her, etc., while she sees/sleeps with other guys? C'mon, man, this is really, really weak, needy and bad.

 

You HAVE to wake up and start looking at the behavior you are displaying. It's not acceptable as a man in a relationship. Women want a guy who is strong, in control of himself, and who doesn't make a woman the center of his universe. Your whole identity became her, and you weren't working on your life or being the best version of you that you could be. I'd argue you are not even ready for any relationship right now.

[hp1]

Very good points thank you. I guess you might have missed the last few posts where she dumped me. She gave me her reasons but I know it's not the whole story. You guys make great points and I agree with everything you are writing. I already know my behavior is st least part of why she left. Other parts may be on her like maybe never being committed to wanting a full on relationship which are not about me. But what you are hearing is that I'm EXPERIENCING my own worth having gone through this experience with her. My esteem wasnt super high to begin with but I was confident, happy, ok with my work and felt ok about myself. Being with this woman and the intermittent reinforcement she gave me and mixed signals just wiped out any esteem I had. All the comments towards the end how my thinking was wrong on this or that and how she was never ever wrong made me doubt myself. She is a narcissist and they play mind games. If you read my posts she was always shady and I never felt secure in the relationship but I kept hoping if I loved her enough she would. I'm not blaming her but my particular history and abandonment issues combined with her cluster B type personality just made a toxic mix. I didn't have it in me to stop. I invested so much emotion, time, effort, hope, resources, and let my whole life be affected in a negative way that to lose her meant it was for no reason and I end up alone with nothing to show for it.

 

Point is I know person with worth in their eyes would leave I get that. What you are g hearing is I lost what worth I had being with this woman and believing all she said of me combined with uncertainty about career and life choices made until now.

 

So please need to keep saying how weak I acted. I know what I did wrong. I already know that. It's just making me feel worse to hear how I failed with her over and over. What I need to do is figure out how to get out of this depression the relationship caused and start to find some esteem again. She is gone. I said I wanted to keep texting her while still reeling from her acting saying she can't do anymore. I haven't texted for 36 hours. Also I'ts not helpful to imagine her sleeping with someone so I'd rather not think abouf it. Especially I have no proof or she told me there is someone else although I know it's likely.

 

I know the general reasons why or some of them and I'll work on them to make me better in future for whoever. Right now I'm trying figure out hue cope with this while severe depression, no friends or famuky or work while in foreign country. So please temper back on how lame I've been. This is the worst period of my life

 

I told her once while things were great between us and both happy that "you are the best thing that ever happened to me. And I meant it, that's how much I loved her. Her reply was how do you know I'm not going to be the worst thing that ever happened to you? Writing on the wall

Edited March 3, 2019 by hp1

[Highndry]

When I was talking about your weak, needy behavior, I was referring to this:

 

 

...I was so freaked out last night by this I asked can we sell talk and text and she said yes...

 

 

The sentence indicates you were still talking to her last night despite all that has happened. You should not be talking to this woman anymore. Period. Given what you've posted about her, I don't even know what you see in her.

 

 

I promise you this: You are making things MUCH harder for yourself by continuing to be in contact with this woman. The best way forward for yourself and your mental and physical health is to delete every form of contact you have for her and move on.

[hp1]

That asking her about texting was at the end of her break up call with me on the phone. She sent me a text the next morning wishing me good day and I replied hours later with thanks. I haven't texted since and struggling now not to do so but I'm not. I know it changes nothing. Despite our unhealthy relationship, as I mentioned with no friends or family here, she was all I had so it's hard but I'm refraining hour by hour. It's an addiction and a trauma bond I guess. I'm not defending it I'm just saying what I'm experiencing. We can crave something that isn't good for us and realizing it's not good doesn'tage ht easier. I don't smoke but I could say to someone "I don't know why you would want to do something so harmfulness to yourself, even you know it". So it's like that. Anyway that comment was made in a panic state and during the break up call from her. I'm not 100 percent Jedi master of my emotions I felt panic at hearing this news and reacted. That's it. I regret making the statement but now fighting not to contact. You can't explain or rationalize attachment or addiction to something or someone. I'm just trying to cope with this and a major depressive episode fur the last 5 months. Of course I'm not going to say or display strong attractive traits. I don't know if you have ever been in a clinical depression but it every aspect of your being. Trying my best here man. Appreciate the support and being here and getting replies is helping despite what I may seem like

 

I fell for the wrong girl, a flirty, selfish attention whore who drinks too much, incites jealousy, and has promiscuous past. I thought my love and attention would be enough for her but it wasnt. Her style sparked all my anxieties and insecurities and I fell apart. End of story so to speak. She always had one foot out the door.

Edited March 3, 2019 by hp1

[Trail Blazer]

I invested so much emotion, time, effort, hope, resources, and let my whole life be affected in a negative way that to lose her meant it was for no reason and I end up alone with nothing to show for it.

You fell for the Sunk Cost Fallacy. I've done the same thing before, it's hard and I get it.

 

I am sorry, I did miss the part where you said she'd dumped you. She got tired of waiting for you to do it so she did it for you. I'm sorry for the pain you must be going through, but this is certainly the best outcome.

 

You have a lot of healing to do and you also need to seek professional help for your depression.

 

Know that nothing said here should be taken personally. I don't think anyone has set out to try and make you feel lousy. Anything that's come across as harsh has been delivered with the intention of it being thought provoking for your own benefit.

[Highndry]

Keep in mind that text on the screen here appears much harsher than it really is. The responses you have received here are based upon the facts you have shared. I can tell you this: You can do much, much better than this woman. For your own dignity, self-respect and mental health, it is of the utmost importance you go no contact completely to begin healing.

[hp1]

thank you everyone, I know there are 'snap out of it' types of help and many styles to motivate someone - its all appreciated trust me. Im grateful the time and intention. I just have her so high up on a pedestal and see her admirable qualities (strong, confident, intelligent, lively, social, funny) as well as our physical relationship and her being beautiful to me (physically) - and not seeing the dark side that react to just this. I will keep writing all the ****ty things she did and things I dont like to see if balances out.

 

Its almost like stockholm syndrome where you start to agree with you abuser or adapt their views.

 

Once I told her early i in the honeymoon period that "you are the best thing that ever happened to me". and I meant it. I was so happy. She said "how do you know I wont be the WORST thing to ever happen to you?", I felt bothered by her reply and confused and asked why would you say that. She explained that no way to tell how it wlll work out and no one knows. I disagreed with her then, but have lost myself and identity so much in this relationship, that now I guess she has a point and turned out she was right. This is the worst thing ive been through romantically.

 

Little statements like that or she would often say "if you ever feel you cant be with me, i'd be sad but I would understand if you couldn't deal with me anymore and my situation" (kids, no time..etc). Or "I feel so bad for you" or "im such a bad girlfriend, I dont know why you are with me". Things she said like that and couldn't explain exactly what she meant by it just created splinters in my mind that made me feel really insecure with her and never comfortable she was mine entirely. Talking with every man we came in contact with didn't help either. I think it would take a super confident guy to be with this woman.

 

Once at a beach party she was drunk and this guy we just met was sitting in a chair (he was drunk too) and we talked with him and she poured a drink in his mouth by touching his chin to open his mouth and pour it in. At the same party, she let another guy we just met lift her above his head to try an acrobatic pose she wanted to try. My shoulder hurt so couldn't do it. (she is a dancer). I told her I didnt like both of these things and it was not right. She said she liked that I got jealous. I should have left right then. No wonder I never felt secure. But I already fell hard for her.

 

No excuse I know. But these are the things that affected me to get me to where I am now which is an emotional wreck. I KNOW I should have bailed and not tolerated it. I know...but I kept rationalizing since I loved her so much. Anyway, some of the background and this was when things were actually pretty normal (before the pulling away and acting cold).

Edited March 3, 2019 by hp1

[newyorker11356]

Do you really think you would feel better if she said "hey, the reason I'm leaving you is I've met another guy and he's incredible and I'm sleeping with him now?"

 

In my case, I actually would. Then again, I've always been transparent and prefer the same in the people I date.

[Calmandfocused]

I’m finding this thread heartbreaking.

 

Op, there would have been some point in your life before you met your ex that you were happy. What were you doing then? What was going on in your life? You need to have faith that you can get back to that place. Replicate what was happening then to help you get through now.

 

You will get through this but you need to believe it and you need to help yourself.

 

I’ll say one thing I don’t think you’ve considered: I don’t actually think you’re in a place to have a relationship with anyone at the moment. Emotionally I don’t think you’re ready. You need to focus on you, particularly in building your self esteem. You also need to focus on managing your depression and sorting your employment situation out. Once you’re in a better place and emotionally and financially healthier- then you will be ready for a relationship.

 

 

You sound like a really good decent person. Don’t lose that! However you will find that as your self esteem builds so will your boundaries. You will look back at this and in the end be grateful it happened as she would have never shown you the respect you deserve

[hp1]

Having tough time today. reading about NC to try to help with the urge to contact. To know the real reasons (I know never get), to know why she could just give up and not communicate to me and work together on this? Was she ever really in this and I just projected the whole thing? I dont know. It just kills me because I think of her and the memories are coming in (good ones). That person from the honeymoon phase is gone I know, but I can still see her in my mind and remember how good it felt. or maybe I liked how I felt about me and thats what I miss . That this sexy, stylish, fit, hottie acted like I was the best thing since sliced bread. She is so outgoing, funny, smart...she knows how to capture any guys attention easily. So I know she has guys lined up and probably had before we finished. Me on the other hand had no backups like an idiot so I am left alone and devastated now while she is out having fun. Im not being a victim here (ok a little) but I cant see how she could do this since I never ever treated her with a harsh word and always tried to make sure she was having fun. But the neediness and smothering I guess cancelled that out. I guess I liked her so much I didnt think about what I SHOULD do to maintain interest, I just did what I felt which was talk everyday and try to meet her as often as I could. I should have kept focus but I see that now. The worst are thoughts of her with a guy, its hard to deal with those, but nothing I can do. its probably happening. She left me. She doest care anymore and probably checked out 3-4 months ago. I did ask her why distant but she either said its my imagination or nothing wrong.

 

Anyway, not texting her today.

[hp1]

Struggling a lot today with not talking with her and the fact she isn't reaching out. It's been 4 days since she says can't be in relationship anymore with me. I imagine she is just happily going on with her day and glad to be rid of me. Not even thinking of me. While im bombarded with thoughts and images and thoughts about what I could have done differently, how I could have saved this and the regret I didn't take action sooner.

 

I know she isn't mad at me or we didn't have fight. I know can't be friends with her. I just can't bear thought of her being with someone else who she is happier with and thinking she is so glad to be done with me.

[Highndry]

Rejection hurts. It's happened to us all. You WILL get through this. As bad as it feels right now, there's light at the end of the tunnel. Be thankful you didn't live with her for years. It could be worse, I promise you.

[Trail Blazer]

Chin up, my friend. I know it hurts. Push through and try to find enjoyable things to do to occupy your mind.

[PinkPampies]

Op you Awill Get through this. It will get easier and in time when your rose colored glasses come off, you will start to see all the dirty details and things you didn’t notice before.

 

Trust the process of nc. Just take it day by day or even hour by hour. It works.

[hp1]

Thanks everyone. Want to contact so bad today. I feel so betrayed by her. I mean I know my part in causing the rift (needy,smothering, lost purpose) but she didn't let me know things were this bad for her, even I asked months ago why being distant. She turned it around and made me feel crazy for asking while it was so obvious!

 

The worst part is I'm idealizing her and depressed so much that I do agree with her negative assessment of some of my qualities. I can't seem to forgive myself for blowing this by being needy and not being myself. And this was my second chance with her that I was determined not to ruin!

 

Feeling like no woman would want me with no career path at this age, especially such a hot one, so maybe that's why was hanging on so hard. Feels like blew my last chance at this type of independent, charismatic, confident, sexy woman. those women can have the best and I'm at the lowest point right now.

[rightondude]

Feeling like no woman would want me with no career path at this age, especially such a hot one, so maybe that's why was hanging on so hard. Feels like blew my last chance at this type of independent, charismatic, confident, sexy woman. those women can have the best and I'm at the lowest point right now.

 

You're probably right! No "hot one" is going to just throw herself at you without you being something special. This ain't the movies, brother. So what do you do? GO FIX YOURSELF. The rest will take care of itself after doing that.

 

I have been where you're at where you're just convinced the best is behind you and what awaits is terrible emptiness. But it doesn't have to be that way and won't be that way if you put the effort forth. If you don't put the effort forth, you have just created yourself a self-fulfilling prophecy.

 

Now get on it!

[Highndry]

Want to contact so bad today. I feel so betrayed by her. I mean I know my part in causing the rift (needy,smothering, lost purpose) but she didn't let me know things were this bad for her, even I asked months ago why being distant. She turned it around and made me feel crazy for asking while it was so obvious!

 

Contact her to what, lash out and punish her? Beg? Show her the error of her ways? Try to use logic to change her mind? There is NOTHING she can do for you, or that contacting her will help. Every time you have these urges, go back and read this entire thread. All the information you need is here. The reasons she gave, why she did what she did, etc. are IRRELEVANT. She wanted to leave you. That's all you need to know.

 

I can tell you this: Every single guy who got weak and needy, emotional, etc. at the end of a relationship has lived to deeply regret it. They all wish they would have gone strict no contact and not said and did the things they did. You are in a weak state right now. In time, you will look back and think "geez, what was I thinking?"

[hp1]

Thank you. I guess reason is important only in that if she did fall for someone else than I'll know i was right in my suspicions and that she is indeed that kind of person. If she went with this guy who is mutual aquintance of ours and i know him then that's another level of low. I can't prove but various things suggest that. Having trouble shaking that desire to know the truth and if she was with him before she left me or is doing now. I have no way to know for certain.

 

 

As for wanting to contact it's not to argue or beg, just to get some kind of proof that I do matter to her I'm done way or she is missing me by giving s reply. But I know it won't stop there I'll want to keep talking and have contact daily to feel she still cares on some level. I know I shouldn't care it's just what I'm experiencing. I talked to her everyday for a year, so it's not easy. I don't get how can be so easy for her

Edited March 6, 2019 by hp1

[Highndry]

You already have all the proof that you need. Also, just because somebody breaks up with another person does not mean they never cared or don't care, it's just that they lost interest in having a romantic relationship and are moving on. You are way overthinking all of this. In fact, you're obsessing about details that don't matter in the least.

 

 

You have to just go through the pain to get through the other side. There is nothing she can provide you that is going to make it any easier. You would be reaching out to the wrong person. Only time is going to heal, and in time you will start to see how wrong some of your thinking was, that she isn't the key to your happiness, and that you're better off without her.

[hp1]

5th day no contact. Urges strong as missing the daily connection we had about our day and lives etc. keep having flashes and images of her with someone else, laughing,kissing etc. These thoughts of her are still consuming me. Saw therapist today but didn't help much. Just want to know is she with someone and happy and relieved while I'm gutted? Could she care so little about what we had? Was she faking her feelings for me and was 2 timing me the whole time? I won't get answers but the questions keep arising. I guess the mind wants answers to make sense of the pain.

 

I know what I'm doing. I want so send 1 text to announce my existence and get her reply as a validation hit. Which lasts 1 second. And the time waiting for a reply will be torture. Then if reply is short, of course will want to send another and turn into conversation. At which point she will prob end the chat or reply days later and I'm feeling rejected again.

 

Or say I lie to myself and think well I'll just have sex with her no feelings. I can do that. Why not? If she even agreed to that I know in my mind i would feel attracted to her again even if she could do with no feeling. And knowing she likely seeing others at same time? More torture. This is how I'm playing out these urges to see likely conclusions.

 

Still having tough time with self care and self love. Just still obsessing over what happened and how to make sense of all of it. Waste of time I know. I guess makes me feel still connected to her in some way. I'm obsessed and need to find way to stop taking this so personally and that it's wrong for her to leave someone who was nothing but giving to her. I know it's BS just that's the thought.

[PinkPampies]

 

I know what I'm doing. I want so send 1 text to announce my existence and get her reply as a validation hit. Which lasts 1 second. And the time waiting for a reply will be torture. Then if reply is short, of course will want to send another and turn into conversation. At which point she will prob end the chat or reply days later and I'm feeling rejected again.

 

Or say I lie to myself and think well I'll just have sex with her no feelings. I can do that. Why not? If she even agreed to that I know in my mind i would feel attracted to her again even if she could do with no feeling. And knowing she likely seeing others at same time? More torture. This is how I'm playing out these urges to see likely conclusions.

.

 

Op STOP!

Contacting her will make it worse no matter what the outcome!!

 

Fact is, you need to keep nc. Block her so she can’t contact you. The WORST feeling is being with someone who doesn’t want to be with you! Why would you want that? You want her to want to be with you, but she’s made it clear she doesn’t. You doing desperate things to let her know you exist will NOT make your pain better. It will make it worse.

 

Stay non contact and heal. You reaching out to her in any way makes you look more weak to her and more turned off. Heal and move on so you can eventually be with someone who wants to be with you equally.

 

It’s hard but you will be stronger for it and better for it down the road. Seriously just stop.

[hp1]

Thank you for the support. I haven't done. I guess it's like i want her to know I'm not mad at her or playing a game so I thought sending a message like "hi hope you are having a good week" was ok. Just that what thoughts seem to be saying. I still care about her a lot despite all that happened. Or I'm just so used to having her to talk to and interact with everyday. I don't have close friends or family or even coworkers to be a social support. She was mostly it so it's like whole connection and mirror is cut off. To get a reply I thought make me feel she still has some care for me. Is she happy and not think or miss me st all?

 

I always contacted first our texts so maybe she waiting for me to reach out and thinks I'm mad or something? Then will think ok if that's how we wants to be I won't chase him.

 

Imagining her with guys and laughing and happy and affectionate is making me panic

 

These are just thoughts arising like .

[hp1]

So today after reading hundreds of stories of guys who got dumped for someone else and the signs leading up to that plus my gut instinct she has lied about the reasons and lined up guys and cheated before leaving (again no proof just sign and reading similar stories), I've decided proof or not this is true. I gave this woman care, attention, did all I could to make her feel loved (albeit mixed with fear and neediness which I take responsibility for) and for her to treat me like garbage at the end and me picking up the tab for it? Well as close as I was to texting tonight I no longer have the urge. Self preservation mode engaged. This woman is a plague. A virus. I'm going to focus solely on fun, betting myself, and meeting sane women insread of broken ones who can't be fixed. My radar has been improved 1000% from here on out. Article reading time about getting your ex back or if you were dumped is over. Now it's how to improve a skill or be a better man, or something to better my life. Done

Edited March 8, 2019 by hp1

[rightondude]

good for you. Now don't look back or slip up. Focus on YOU brother.

[Trail Blazer]

Good for you, pal. Stay strong, focus on yourself and take the lessons learnt from this by not placing your happiness in the hands others.