thefooloftheyear Posted February 20, 2019 Share Posted February 20, 2019 No disrespect, but when people go on about how their parents were married for 50/60 years etc, I don't know if that really has any bearing on whether its considered a great and life long institution... So many of those pairings stayed together not because everything was so wonderful, but because they really had little options...Most anyway...My grandfather and grandmother were totally devoted to one another, but that didn't stop my grandpa from banging every woman he could get his hands on...What really was my grandma to do?? They could barely afford to live as a pair forget about alone, and my grandma didn't speak English and was in a foreign country, basically on her own.. Anyway, people would be pretty surprised to hear some of the things that those long term marriages had to endure...In many cases one, the other or both had to eat shyt at one point or another... There is more mobility and more options for people now...The taboo of divorce, while still present, isn't nearly what it once was... Point is, these stories are great and inspirational, but without all the background it really doesn't mean much.. TFY 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BC1980 Posted February 20, 2019 Share Posted February 20, 2019 (edited) Marriage today is a completely different institution than it was 100 or more years ago. Back in olden times, the purpose of marriage was to, more or less, protect women and children, carry on a legitimate bloodline, or a business transaction to make families stronger (i.e. join the land). Today, marriage is based mostly on emotions and also having a family. There's been a lot of social upheaval in the past 100 years that we haven't figured out how to deal with yet. No-fault divorce is one example. Also, women are now able to support themselves independently, so they don't have to marry for financial security. There's good and bad to all of these changes. No disrespect, but when people go on about how their parents were married for 50/60 years etc, I don't know if that really has any bearing on whether its considered a great and life long institution...<snip> My grandparents were the same way. I think they respect each other to some extent, but he was a serial cheater. Getting an education or a self-sustaining job wasn't really an option for her generation. She had 4 kids. What was she going to do? Child custody laws were also different back then. My great- grandmother did leave her husband but had to leave her kids behind to do so. I'm not trying to be cynical, but, for all of the good stories, there are just as many bad ones. Edited February 20, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Merge and truncate quote 1 Link to post Share on other sites
LastStraw Posted February 20, 2019 Share Posted February 20, 2019 No disrespect, but when people go on about how their parents were married for 50/60 years etc, I don't know if that really has any bearing on whether its considered a great and life long institution... ^This. Coincidentally I happen to be hanging out a lot with older people that has been married 20, 30, 40, 50 years... And are brutally honest - each and every single one of them admitted indiscretions, not one time off thing but committed, years long relationships with other people. About 50% admitted some form of abuse, I bet the number is much higher. And at least half of the people (women and men alike) said they stayed in (and got in on first place) in the marriage because of the kids. Smaller fraction just enjoyed some form of financial benefits. Do they tell these stories to their spouses, kids or coworkers. Hell no of course :lmao: I think I've been confidant to so many people because of my slightly cynical view of life that I'm no shy about. For the public these people marriages were happy happy joy joy, until death break us apart, examples for kids and grandkids. P.S. The puzzling part: some people from these terrible marriages widowed - and they genuinely got sick after their spouse died - besides all the abuse and adulteries, the codependency formed in these unions was enough to get them off rails for years after getting out of them... P.S.2 The divorce stigma is still in, and is going strong. Especially in religious communities. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author CantGetEnuff Posted February 20, 2019 Author Share Posted February 20, 2019 You know, I sit back and reflect on things, and I realize that my marriage is, by most accounts, pretty awesome, and possibly better than most. We get along well, we both agree on finances, and religion (none), and on most kid issues as well. We enjoy each other's company and fight only rarely (which is probably healthy). No drug or alcohol issues, no abuse, no craziness. For the last six years, my worst behavior has been sexting with other women. Nothing physical in many years. I'm not sure what I would do if we didn't have kids, and yes I think marriage is probably not the best fit for my personality, but I have responsibilities to worry about, and so even though I am honest in venting my concerns about marriage, that doesn't mean I'm going anywhere. I think people are entitled to think about "big picture things" and question their past choices without being hypocrites. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BC1980 Posted February 20, 2019 Share Posted February 20, 2019 (edited) (1) Do you think men are biologically designed to have sex with only one woman for 40+ years? No (2) Do you think women are biologically designed to have sex with only one man for 40+ years? No (3) Do you think marriage is the right fit for most people? It depends on what your reasons and expectations of marriage are. Marriage is good for a protective of children if you go by statistics. I do think marriage is a healthy institution for society and for people in general because it's stabilizing and can be protective of poverty, especially in old age. I think that there is an idealized version of marriage sold to young girls about finding "the one." (4) The most frequently cited reasons for wanting to get married (Pew again) were love and life-long commitment. But does that make any sense? I think it makes sense. We crave stability. There are legal reasons for it too. You need someone to make healthcare decisions for you at some point. Being alone is unhealthy for most of us. I think marriage is good and would like to get married, but I'm more reslistic about it at my age. As pessimistic as I sometimes seem, I do believe in love and marriage. Edited February 20, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Fix formatting 1 Link to post Share on other sites
LastStraw Posted February 20, 2019 Share Posted February 20, 2019 (edited) I'm curious - if you meet a woman that you are genuinely excited about (not only sexually), would you leave this marriage? If no, what would stop you. It seems like your marriage is good but meh. IMO these are the most stable ones - because the energy barrier to get out of a comfortable relationship, albeit unexciting, is pretty high. You know, I sit back and reflect on things, and I realize that my marriage is, by most accounts, pretty awesome, and possibly better than most. We get along well, we both agree on finances, and religion (none), and on most kid issues as well. We enjoy each other's company and fight only rarely (which is probably healthy). No drug or alcohol issues, no abuse, no craziness.<snip> Edited February 20, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Truncate quote Link to post Share on other sites
BC1980 Posted February 20, 2019 Share Posted February 20, 2019 (edited) You know, I sit back and reflect on things, and I realize that my marriage is, by most accounts, pretty awesome, and possibly better than most. We get along well, we both agree on finances, and religion (none), and on most kid issues as well. We enjoy each other's company and fight only rarely (which is probably healthy). No drug or alcohol issues, no abuse, no craziness.<snip> I think you just have to realize that it's not realistic to go through a lifetime without wanting to have sex with another woman or falling in love with another woman. No matter what anyone wants to believe, it's simply not. Women as well. It's unrelialistic to go through a lifetime without loving more than one man. The question is: what do you want to do about that fact if you also believe in marriage? I'm not really sure myself. It's an inconvenient truth. Edited February 20, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Truncate quote 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author CantGetEnuff Posted February 20, 2019 Author Share Posted February 20, 2019 (edited) @LastStraw, I honestly don't know. But probably not. I've been infatuated with certain women before, but as you say, the energy and willpower needed to break the status quo is so high, you would have to be 100 percent certain about this new theoretical person, and that's never going to happen with anyone. My wife and kids deserve better anyway, and I've been working hard to behave better. My wife is awesome, and I have been exclusive with her sexually for the last 6 years, and our sex life is likely better than most peoples'. We bang it out regularly and she's very energetic about pleasing me (and me for her). @BC1980, thank you for your honesty. I am 100 percent there with you. Edited February 20, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Merge 1 Link to post Share on other sites
RecentChange Posted February 20, 2019 Share Posted February 20, 2019 I think you just have to realize that it's not realistic to go through a lifetime without wanting to have sex with another woman or falling in love with another woman. No matter what anyone wants to believe, it's simply not. Women as well. It's unrelialistic to go through a lifetime without loving more than one man. The question is: what do you want to do about that fact if you also believe in marriage? I'm not really sure myself. It's an inconvenient truth. One thing for me - because I do think the answer is quite individualistic.... It's easy for me to imagine sex with others, hell, been there done that. But loving someone else? That's really difficult for me to envision. Realistically I suppose it's possible - but I have never met anyone I connect with like my husband. Someone else who through some sort of serendipity happened to have such similar life experiences as mine - allowing us to understand and accept each other on a level I never quite knew was possible. For me, sex is easy. LOVE? That's a whole nother ball game, and not something I find easy to "fall into" and so far at least, have no problem distancing myself from. It's the old "PA" vs. "EA" thing. Physical matters, thrills, I can deal with. Emotions and love? I find those things much more special and guard more closely. Obviously not everyone feels the same way. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
pepperbird Posted February 20, 2019 Share Posted February 20, 2019 Why is it so hard for some to believe there are people out there who are capable of love and devotion to one another? Just because you haven't been able to find it, doesn't mean no one else has. Honestly, I've never seen a group of people try so hard to convince others that marriage is awful. If your marriage didn't work out, I'm sorry. I wish you had a better experience. My views have been really affected by a health scare. I taken stock of my life. I can assure you that "oh my god! I didn't sleep around more!" isn't in my mind in any way, shape or form. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
BC1980 Posted February 20, 2019 Share Posted February 20, 2019 @BC1980' date=' thank you for your honesty. I am 100 percent there with you.[/quote'] Relationships perplex me. I don't have a whole lot of answers, but I try to be honest about it. I do believe marriage is a good thing though. Link to post Share on other sites
BC1980 Posted February 20, 2019 Share Posted February 20, 2019 But loving someone else? That's really difficult for me to envision. Realistically I suppose it's possible - but I have never met anyone I connect with like my husband. Someone else who through some sort of serendipity happened to have such similar life experiences as mine - allowing us to understand and accept each other on a level I never quite knew was possible.. I get what you're saying. I agree with you. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted February 20, 2019 Share Posted February 20, 2019 My views have been really affected by a health scare. I taken stock of my life. I can assure you that "oh my god! I didn't sleep around more!" isn't in my mind in any way, shape or form. Exactly, poor health puts a lot of things into perspective. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted February 21, 2019 Share Posted February 21, 2019 Monogamy has been very easy for me. I can see intellectually that a woman is attractive but why would I want to be with her when I have such a great woman at home? Nothing another can offer me would ever compete with what the woman in my life gives me which makes it very easy to stay faithful and believe me I have had plenty of chances. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
edgygirl Posted February 22, 2019 Share Posted February 22, 2019 (edited) Haven't read all posts. I'm female but must say I understand wanting to have other sexual partners after a while. What I don't understand is why people (as in - you, OP) who know for sure they will want that, don't look for a partner who can accept that. Sometimes I think I need to be with someone who is open to that idea. At least someone who can discuss it. I do need someone who's 100% emotionally devoted to me, but I get wanting to have some (consented) ONS here and there. Be it swinging or an open marriage where you talk with your partner before wanting to be with someone. I'm not that jealous about sex. I am jealous about emotional betrayal. In that sense, I get your thread. Marriage as is (from a societal & traditional view) is unrealistic for many. Edited February 22, 2019 by edgygirl 1 Link to post Share on other sites
DrReplyInRhymes Posted February 22, 2019 Share Posted February 22, 2019 Warning: I didn't read any other reply yet. You are an animal. You choose to be human by adopting social standards and legitimizing them by what you call manners / ethics / behavior. Using this logic, marriage is an institution in which you enter with your vows to each other. Honor those vows. If your idea of marriage includes monogamy, then you are choosing to legitimize those vows by living by them. They become your standard. However, monogamy is not a requirement for all. Neither is marriage. Marriage is about your vows you made to someone you love and living by those vows. I detest the creation of divorce, but I understand it. While I will try with all of my might to never experience a divorce because I oppose it so much if I ever get married, marriage is hardly an outdated institution. Sure, some facets of marriage may be argued as against your very nature, but if you truly believe that, then don't opt for marriage. However, I would consider it extremely contradictory that you would be willing to enter a commitment that has every trait of a traditional marriage without actually being in a marriage. If there are no extenuating circumstances or some legal/financial reason for not getting married in your way, and the only obstacle is your inability to commit to the vows you already committed to, then what's the point of not being married? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
pepperbird Posted February 22, 2019 Share Posted February 22, 2019 The one thing that really shines through all of this discussion is how important it is for someone to know themselves and what they are looking for in a life mate before they get married, and don't ever get married because it's what you think you should do. Only do it if it's 100 percent what you actually want to do ( and unless it's really important to you, skip the big wedding and party...it's money that could be far better spent) Link to post Share on other sites
Smileygrl202 Posted February 23, 2019 Share Posted February 23, 2019 @LastStraw, I honestly don't know. But probably not. I've been infatuated with certain women before, but as you say, the energy and willpower needed to break the status quo is so high, you would have to be 100 percent certain about this new theoretical person, and that's never going to happen with anyone. My wife and kids deserve better anyway, and I've been working hard to behave better. My wife is awesome, and I have been exclusive with her sexually for the last 6 years, and our sex life is likely better than most peoples'. We bang it out regularly and she's very energetic about pleasing me (and me for her). @BC1980, thank you for your honesty. I am 100 percent there with you. Maybe the problem has something to do with your line of work, ie. coming into contact with lots of women - young, middle aged, old- due to work related responsibilities on a regular basis. Very distracting for you maybe? Could this be one of the primary reasons you think and obsesses about women, more than a normal man? Link to post Share on other sites
chillii Posted February 24, 2019 Share Posted February 24, 2019 Sadly , everything about the world these days , media, internet, even courts , views spewed out all over it all and ridiculous expectations, the me me me mentally, throw it away, the next !!! lt all creates the absolute worst marriage environment now and lack of commitment and attitudes and sadly it's just getting worse by the day, than ever before in history. It takes 2 to tango but sadly only one to take any notice of all the garbage out there , lose the plot and destroy the family Link to post Share on other sites
Wallysbears Posted February 24, 2019 Share Posted February 24, 2019 Monogamy has been very easy for me. I can see intellectually that a woman is attractive but why would I want to be with her when I have such a great woman at home? Nothing another can offer me would ever compete with what the woman in my life gives me which makes it very easy to stay faithful and believe me I have had plenty of chances. This is the way I am. Guys may be attractive? But damn...my husband is amazing in bed, knows my body, treats me amazing, we have an amazing life...and he’s my rock. A team of wild horses couldn’t drag me away from that. For what? Some random d*ck? Lol? Nope. Not in a million years. I know what an amazing thing I have and I’m never risking it 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted February 24, 2019 Share Posted February 24, 2019 I also know that if I ever cheated I would not get a second chance. She dumped the guy she was engaged to before me and never looked back because he cheated on her. We both have the zero tolerance approach to infidelity. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
loversquarrel Posted February 25, 2019 Share Posted February 25, 2019 To answer your question....no. Nobody is forced to commit to marriage, it is a choice. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
pepperbird Posted February 25, 2019 Share Posted February 25, 2019 Anyone who feels they are being forced to get married shouldn't get married. If you can't say "no" to your boyfriend/girlfriend who is pressuring you into marriage, then you have a lot of growing up to do. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
thefooloftheyear Posted February 26, 2019 Share Posted February 26, 2019 Anyone who feels they are being forced to get married shouldn't get married. If you can't say "no" to your boyfriend/girlfriend who is pressuring you into marriage, then you have a lot of growing up to do. It's easy to say that.... But then when family on both sides keeps breaking your balls relentlessy, you just finally give in...Most guys also have to deal with the crying and bs from women who aren't married every time on of their friends or co workers shows up with a big shiny rock on her finger...Guys, being mostly non confrontational, just wind up giving in... TFY 2 Link to post Share on other sites
2.50 a gallon Posted February 26, 2019 Share Posted February 26, 2019 My grand father born in 1898, had 4 brothers, two never married and the two who did, one had a son who was tragically killed in a car accident, when he was about 20. And of a dozen grand children, I was the only one able to pass on the family name. However, I was happily single, had a great social and sex life. Starting in my early 20's I began to get pressure from the family. Grand parents, aunts, uncles and even great aunts and uncles. A constant,"So are you seeing some one special?" "Have you set the date?" I did get engaged at about age 28, but that fell apart. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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