Dearly Missing My AP / How Long Does the Pain Last?

[MountainGirl111]

Mike1111: Hope you don't mind me stopping in at this juncture...

 

I'm not here to judge you or your wife or Selena. I've been the betrayed one before. But it was a long time ago and I eventually healed. So, if you truly wish for things to work for your family....there IS hope there can be healing for all of you. You already know you cannot be inappropriate with any woman ever again, so I'm not going to harp on you about that!

 

Speaking for myself here: I came to a crossroad of sorts in which I needed to find out what would give me true peace and be willing to do what it took. In my case; as the BS I had to find forgiveness...it didn't happen overnight....it was a process. Whenever BITTER thoughts started to creep in...I had to find a way to let them go and get my mind on something else...something more positive or constructive. Regardless of what anyone else did I had to "own" that piece of it all. No one could make me forgive; no one could speed it up; no one could bring it about but me. My H could not talk me into it.

 

But somewhere along the way in the process of letting unforgiveness go...I could feel myself having more and more peace. And with that peace came healing. But, I had to do that myself. I had to realize why the infidelity happened in the first place. Was it just a character flaw? Hmmm. Was is because I was impossible to be married to and he needed an "outlet"; maybe needed more love and attention than I was giving him at the time? Was because he was under the influence of alcohol? Was it because HE felt insecure?

 

He felt insecure. He suspected various men of being in love with me. I was partly oblivious to all that. I've never been one to try to seduce men to manipulate them. Not my MO. (modus operandi) Also, he knew I needed him;but only to a certain extent. i was perfectly capable of doing for myself without him.

 

I don't know if any of these things are so with your BS, but these are just a few things that I went through. My H even accused me of having sexual affairs. But, after all was said and done, HE is the one who stepped out on me and betrayed ME.

 

The ONLY hope for us to reconcile and eventually have peace was via forgiveness. Some people can never find a way to forgive. They try....but they cannot do it. I don't feel any judgment toward them either. Some just cannot forgive. *shrug* We're all composed of different "stuff". I did eventually forgive him. But then, he betrayed me again. I just couldn't do it again. So we split. I have forgiven him since we split. And, I have so much more peace in my life now, it passes understanding!!

Edited January 29, 2019 by MountainGirl111

[elaine567]

I doubt Selena's in as much turmoil as the op claims. I expect a significant amount of that is ego. He wants to believe she cared as much about him and is in a puddle of her own tears somewhere.

 

 

 

I would guess being tipped out of his car and the him driving off, probably put a few things in perspective for her.

How humiliating...

[MountainGirl111]

Well, Selena got duped. She thought she was getting involved with an available man. By the time she found out differently she was in over her head. But, it could have ended there. It could have ended when she found out you were married. You both caught feelings for each other and because you are not a cold person without emotions, you don't just shut those off.

 

Now then: back to the wife. You have a long history with her. And even though you've had many years of good companionship with one another, maybe you have always sort of felt like something was just "missing" and it was a bit less than fulfilling. We don't know how it's going to go after we say the "I do's". We just don't. it's gamble or a crap shoot if you will. We have NO IDEA what someone is going to be like after we are legally bound to them. Sometimes we are surprised by how they turn out to be either in a good way or a bad way. Maybe we're disappointed they turn out to be much more grumpy than when we were just dating. You wrote about your wife's moods. I'm guessing she turned out to harder to live with than you thought she was going to be....and you know.....when the spouse is moody like that on a regular basis it can just kill romantic love. You love her as the mother of your son and she's an excellent mother But, do you love her for who she really and truly is at her core being?

 

Please don't be offended by my questions. I tend to be very analytical.

[Amethyst68]

Look I agree that Selina was used and misled but let's not forget she found out that OP was married after 4 days! After that she was a willing participant in the affair. Oh there was may have been some future faking going on, probably on both sides but she wasn't an innocent party in this.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Look I agree that Selina was used and misled but let's not forget she found out that OP was married after 4 days! After that she was a willing participant in the affair.

 

But did she know she wasn't the first? Did she think she was the only one?

[MountainGirl111]

Whoa. No one is claiming Selena is innocent in it all. However, the OP, a married man set up an encounter/date with a woman who didn't know he was married. Why didn't she know that? Because, she didn't know him or his background or anything. And, perhaps because he didn't tell her or wear a ring or act like a married man. This whole thing reminds of the dangers of online dating...essentially going on a date and then having sex with a total stranger? How can the not be risky? Once people have more knowledge on something they have to decide how they're going to make choices based on that knowledge.

[MountainGirl111]

Back to the "moodiness" issue, OP. Some people are moody because substance use/abuse. Some because of mental illness. Some because they are just not happy people. I think if we could give out happiness pills that would guarantee a person will be happy without bad side effects or addiction that pill would take off like rocket. Some people are "moody" because they know their spouse has affections elsewhere rather than with them.

 

My ex sister in law was the "moody" type. I got along with her ok i guess...... Her ex hub was not always EASY to live with. But, neither was she. It's not that she was a bad person; not at all. .. she had many fine attributes, very smart,very hard working, very resourceful, had a good career, good mother, etc, etc. BUT, (and this is a big but)She was never HAPPY!! And when she was particularly unhappy with something she gave him the silent treatment...and he couldn't get her to talk to him about it....so he was basically left out in the cold when she would get like that. You know, we just assume men are "more tough" than women and they can just "take it", take whatever is dished out. But, that's just not TRUE. Women can be abusive in various ways/means. Manipulation, silent treatment, threats. Many ways. I stayed in touch with her some after they divorced. She soon remarried and he soon moved in with the girlfriend he already had before the divorce process ever started.

 

She confided in me that she was totally HUMILIATED after she found out he'd been seeing this other woman for quite some time before they split. Unbeknownst to her until quite some...she felt totally humiliated....Sadly, the man she remarried got cancer and couldn't live with the diagnosis and shot himself. So, she was heartbroken ONCE AGAIN!!

Edited January 30, 2019 by MountainGirl111

[MountainGirl111]

How long, OP will you have the ache in your heart? I don't think anyone knows that...it's gonna vary widely. We can bind up and treat physical wounds...and even some of the physical ones can take a long time to completely heal. You have a wound in your heart, and your head.

 

I don't have all the answers, but here's one thing I know for sure: If you hold all these emotions in they will fester ...and you could end up with a worse wound than the first wound. So, you need an "out". I think you somehow thought getting with "Selena" was going to provide you with an okay outlet for ways in which you were wounded before you ever met "Selena" Somehow you thought seeking relations outside you marriage was going to help you deal with pressure, stress, whatever.

 

There are many MM who think that. Sure it may give a temporary feel good...but inevitable the "feel good' wears off...We can put a nice bandage on wounds...but until a wound starts healing from the inside out...all the fancy bandages in the world will do no good.

Edited February 3, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[pepperbird]

OP,

I get that it's convenient to place the blame for your actions on your marriage. The problem is that won't change anything.

 

Think of it this way, You have cheated on your wife at least twice. That indicates far more about you than it does anyone/anything else. Suppose you and Selena had gotten together. Once the "rush" was gone and you were faced with an actual human being you have to get along with, you;re going to face issues, just like you are with your wife. How would you handle it?

Edited February 3, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Redact quote of prior post and fix spacing

[pepperbird]

But did she know she wasn't the first? Did she think she was the only one?

A quite form the op's post gives a lot of information about her, and he doesn't even see it... "The next morning, while rolling around in bed, she found my wallet and was looking through it "...

 

 

Now, I don't know about anyone else, but there is something really sketchy about that. What was she doing digging through his wallet? That says she either (a) thought he might be married and was checking up or (b) she wanted to snoop, maybe to find out just how much it contained.

 

Far from being the heartbroken waif, I think she spotted him a mile away. Oh good god...I just re-read the op. Selena, was contacting his wife while she was sleeping with her husband behind her back? ........

"then she began emailing me. And messaging my wife on Facebook (which was not uncommon – Selena and my wife had intermittently messaged each other in the past. Nothing bad, just conversation). So my wife composed a nice FB message asking Selena to give us the emotional space to try to work on our marriage. Selena, in her profound pain 5,000 miles away, was less than charitable in her response"

So, op, not only does your wife have to put up with your nonsense, she has to endure this crap from Selena? Meanwhile, you post about how your wife is the one who needs to make changes? Really, think about that. Your wife, who you have put through hell already, has to be the whipping boy for your ow. When she can't unload on you she unloads on her...and you just shrug it off and excuse it because "Selena's in so much pain".

 

I've got an idea. How about you give your wife the same opportunity? Give her a chance to unload on the two people who have caused her pain. My guess? She's got a lot more class than to do that. Jesus christ man, set her free to find a guy who is capable of truly loving her. Go to Selena and be happy and give your wife the same chance.

Edited February 3, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Clarify quote and fix spacing

[Rayce]

"The next morning, while rolling around in bed, she found my wallet and was looking through it ...

 

then she began emailing me. And messaging my wife on Facebook (which was not uncommon – Selena and my wife had intermittently messaged each other in the past. Nothing bad, just conversation). So my wife composed a nice FB message asking Selena to give us the emotional space to try to work on our marriage. Selena, in her profound pain 5,000 miles away, was less than charitable in her response"

 

 

I was thinking about Selena last night and was wondering why she was falling into bed so fast with some guy she just met on the internet. Like I said before if Selena really loved him she would back out like he asked her too and leave them alone. It's about respecting the other persons boundaries and staying way from MM wife is a no brainer you would think.

Edited January 30, 2019 by Rayce

[pepperbird]

I was thinking about Selena last night and was wondering why she was falling into bed so fast with some guy she just met on the internet. Like I said before if Selena really loved him she would back out like he asked her too and leave them alone. It's about respecting the other persons boundaries and staying way from MM wife is a no brainer you would think.

 

I don't know of any women who go digging through some guy's wallet the morning after they first have sex...that is, unless she's looking for something in particular.

 

This is a woman who he picked up through a dating ap. in the OP's words " I put up a quick post on Tinder saying I was interested in "adult fun",type of thing" and she, claiming she''s interested in a long term relationship, just happens to be on Twitter and respond to an ad that is obviously looking for sex and nothing more? Yeah, that sounds on the up and up.:rolleyes:

[pepperbird]

I was thinking about Selena last night and was wondering why she was falling into bed so fast with some guy she just met on the internet. Like I said before if Selena really loved him she would back out like he asked her too and leave them alone. It's about respecting the other persons boundaries and staying way from MM wife is a no brainer you would think.

 

 

People like this don't really care about others. It's all histrionics and drama. Some thrive on that. They need that energy. If they don't get it, they create it.

[pepperbird]

I

This is a woman who he picked up through a dating ap. in the OP's words " I put up a quick post on Tinder saying I was interested in "adult fun",type of thing" and she, claiming she''s interested in a long term relationship, just happens to be on Twitter

 

 

That should be "Tinder" not "Twitter"...

 

 

Sorry about that.

[Amethyst68]

The reason I posted specifically about the OW not being an innocent party as she had the option of walking away after a few days, she didn't, she chose to continue but somehow this thread seems to be focused on her as the victim!

 

The only victim is the BW, who by the OP's posts seems to either be doing the pick me dance or has somehow been convinced the affair is her fault. As I mentioned before the BS can own to their share of problems in the marriage but the affair is 100% on the OP.

 

BTW, did it ever occur to you that your wife's lack of interest in sex had more to do with your performance than hers?

[elaine567]

BTW, did it ever occur to you that your wife's lack of interest in sex had more to do with your performance than hers?

 

 

The big elephant in the room...

[Wallysbears]

I put zero blame on the wife in this scenario.

 

The husband thinks the answer to marital issues is to simply to find sex elsewhere to take care of his 'needs'

 

That is explanation enough.

 

Maybe the wife is smart enough to be talking to an attorney.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

WB pretty much sums it up!

[MountainGirl111]

Hmmm.

i

Pardon me for saying so, but this thread seems to have gone the way of debating who is most to blame.

 

The OP asked some questions and he fessed up about his affairs: How long does the pain last. And, he misses "Selena", etc.

 

So to get it back to the OP's OP....I've done a fair amount of healing in my lifetime and when it comes to a broken heart/heartache...well, this is the stuff people write songs about, isn't it? The first HUGE heartbreak for me? I was 20YO...it was awful, just awful. I remember turning to music, fitness, reading, and faith.

 

I think it boils down to figuring out what it's going to take to make you happy...and a big part of happiness is PEACE. I think by coming hear and posting so honestly, OP does desire peace.

 

In order to have true peace one has to be brutally honest with their self. It takes soul searching...honest soul searching.

 

I'm not here to condemn anyone.

MM, if you're tempted to cheat by an out of town fling, just watch the movie Fatal Attraction and that might help resist the temptation....

 

I think OLD is not a good idea for anyone and relationships are better "built" organically.

[pepperbird]

Hmmm.

 

 

I think it boils down to figuring out what it's going to take to make you happy...and a big part of happiness is PEACE. I think by coming hear and posting so honestly, OP does desire peace.

 

.

 

 

That's the thing. He's not being honest. He's placed the blame at the feet of everyone else...except himself.

[Rayce]

We all see things so differently. It's been suggested here by a few that OP does not feel remorse but when I read that is not what I am picking up. He has posted several times his ownership in the situation. I think the OP trying to do his best here and it takes a brave person to even post in this place. People who have been here a long time may not realize what a hostile place LS can be. The fact that he is here... speaks volume to his ownership. js… speaking as a new person myself.

 

peace

[Mrs._December]

Wow. You're the WORST kind of married man. It's bad enough that you lie to your wife and cheat on her - while blaming HER for your cheating - but on top of all of that, you were lying and conning an innocent women into spending time with you because you wanted to get laid. You KNEW it was against her personal boundaries to have some tawdry affair with a married liar and you did your very best to con her into thinking she actually had a future with you and that you were available.

 

Is there any action that is beneath you at this point in your life? Anything at all? That woman completely disrespected herself when she found out the truth about how you'd conned her and set her up for a fall and she didn't leave. What a fool.

 

And if I'm being honest, your wife was just as big a fool for actually playing along with all this nonsense as long as she has instead of divorcing you immediately and removing you from her life.

 

As for my wife: she watched many of Dr. Beam’s videos, and thus understands my pain and is willing to allow me to grieve over my loss. Which makes her a pretty special person.

No, it just makes her a bigger fool, is all. She just keeps choosing to disrespect herself over and over and over.

 

I knew a text message breakup was cowardly...

I'm just being honest here, but pretty much everything you've done is low and cowardly and this was no different.

 

I'm actually beginning to think this long long story is really just a thinly disguised infomercial for 'Dr. Beam' videos. I don't do self help stuff but sadly, there are a lot of people who WILL fall for this and waste their money on this crap.

 

And since these 'life-saving' videos have taught your wife to let you "grieve" the woman that you lied to, cheated with, conned and set up for heartbreak just proves how worthless the good Doctor's advice really IS. I hope NO ONE actually buys this hogwash you're selling.

[pepperbird]

op, I know it sounds like everyone on here is giving you a hard time and that we don't understand how heartbroken you feel.

 

I will say the same thing to you as I did to another WS who is spinning their wheels. You are wallowing in self pity. We all do it at one time or another. It is completely non-productive and hurts more than it helps.

 

I half wonder if you have to convince yourself your affair was some huge star crossed romance, filled with pain and anguish. The alternative? You were away from home home looking for some "adult fun" and you met a woman who was willing to give you that.

 

Part of you needs it to be important, as if it is, it gives you some wiggle room to not feel so bad about what you've done." we couldn't help it...we were in love"...

 

 

At least that's what I'm seeing.

[pepperbird]

Wow. You're the WORST kind of married man. It's bad enough that you lie to your wife and cheat on her - while blaming HER for your cheating - but on top of all of that, you were lying and conning an innocent women into spending time with you because you wanted to get laid. You KNEW it was against her personal boundaries to have some tawdry affair with a married liar and you did your very best to con her into thinking she actually had a future with you and that you were available.

 

 

A woman who is interested only in a long term relationship doesn't answer a Tinder ad from a guy who clearly states he only wanted some one night stand style "adult fun". She doesn't go to his hotel to hook up with him.

 

 

 

The next day, she's going through his wallet? Meh...I don't her feelings had anything to do with cupid's arrows.

[Mrs._December]

A woman who is interested only in a long term relationship doesn't answer a Tinder ad from a guy who clearly states he only wanted some one night stand style "adult fun". She doesn't go to his hotel to hook up with him.

 

The next day, she's going through his wallet? Meh...I don't her feelings had anything to do with cupid's arrows.

Considering he was south of the border, I'm going to venture a big fat guess that she was looking for a 'rich' American to perhaps take care of her or even move her up to the States. These foolish American men think they're so 'hot' to these woman but the truth is, they're simply a way 'out' for a lot of them.