Dearly Missing My AP / How Long Does the Pain Last?

[Amethyst68]

You have repeatedly said that you don't love your wife, that you don't think you ever did and that you got married because it was the expected next step. Oh you might feel affection but love? Or has the affair rewritten your view of your wife and your marriage historytory?

 

I've said it before but the ease that you cheated initially really does lead me to believe this was not your first time at infidelity. It would take a pretty cold hearted man to sit and select his sex partner and then select a woman knowing she is looking for the exact opposite of you want, not caring who you hurt either there or at home as long as you get what you want. It was sheer chance that you fell for her this time.

 

I have no doubt you'll ignore the faithfulness question, you've done so the other twice I've asked!

 

I agree with the other poster, if your not 100% into staying in your marriage forever, tell your wife. The woman has been the one fighting for you and her marriage (she seems to be the only one), if you're only going to stay till your son finishes school then tell her now. Do you honestly think it will be any better to break her heart twice?

[Wallysbears]

Love isn't a feeling, love (in my definition) is a verb. You can't LOVE someone and purposefully hurt them repeatedly. And that is what you are doing.

 

If you weren't happy in your marriage, it was your responsibility to have truthful conversations with your wife and resolve the issues or divorce. Not go and have sex with someone else.

 

The blame here is 1000% on you. You didn't have an open and honest and truthful conversation with your wife about your unhappiness so you took the 'easy' way out for yourself by going and having sex with someone else. If you weren't happy, it was your responsibility to divorce not cheat.

 

And you still can't bring yourself to deal with YOUR issues (because there are issues here) and are dragging along two women plus your children in this mess.

 

It seems to me that the only person you are thinking about in ALL of this is you. Not your wife, not your children and not Selena.

 

How long do you think it is fair to drag these other people through this while you try to figure out what you want?

[Mike1111]

You have repeatedly said that you don't love your wife, that you don't think you ever did and that you got married because it was the expected next step. Oh you might feel affection but love? Or has the affair rewritten your view of your wife and your marriage historytory?<snip>

 

 

Amethyst: Yes, affection versus love for wife. Not sure. Certainly affection and deep caring. However, I am confident I'm not rewriting our marriage history (as Dr. Beam warns about), as we had these "moodiness" symptoms going all the way back to the beginning, and recognized by many others, not just me. We actually broke up prior to the marriage over some moodiness episodes. We might have a mistake in choosing to get married anyway.

 

 

Yes, I'm going to avoid answering your infidelity question directly, but I didn't actually ignore Selena's profile (long-term relationship), I just didn't realize she was serious about that. I have long assumed that women feel slutty if they say they're interested in sex on dating sites, so, by default, they write that they're interested in a long-term relationship. And that was obviously a really bad assumption by me. And she did text that she wasn't interested in casual sex. But again, I chose to assume that meant perhaps just a 30 minute sexual encounter. But, you're right, that's all semantics, I just didn't think it was possible (or see the danger) that two people could develop serious feelings for each other so quickly. I thought that after a few encounters, if our goals weren't compatible that it would end simply with no one hurt. So much for that . . . .

 

 

And you and MissedMistress are right, if I truly have thoughts about leaving after my son leaves for school, then I should discuss that with my wife. But I THINK these feelings are just me missing Selena (which I hope to get over). And why I have gone to great lengths to not contact Selena and create any kind of false hope.

Edited January 28, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Truncate quote

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

If you don't leave, are you going to commit to no longer being a cheater?

[Wallysbears]

How many affairs have you had during the course of your marriage?

[Mike1111]

Love isn't a feeling, love (in my definition) is a verb. You can't LOVE someone and purposefully hurt them repeatedly. And that is what you are doing.

 

<SNIP>

 

 

Wallysbears: First, I'm trying not to hurt anybody repeatedly. That's exactly what I'm trying to stop here.

 

 

And my wife and I DID have open and honest discussions about the problems in our marriage. With me going so far as to say once "Diana, if you can't get control of these crazy mood swings, we're going to end up divorced", or "If you need something more from me sexually (toys? different technique, whatever) for you to be more sexually expressive -- just tell me, I won't be offended" . And she would apologize, and then it would happen again. So maybe we should have pursued divorce at that point, but it certainly didn't seem like the best path for our son at the time since we did function well together otherwise. So simple extramarital sex seemed like a potential "relief valve."

 

 

Nope, not thinking about just myself. Trying to figure out what is best for four people: my wife, Selena, my son and me and do it with the least additional trauma possible. I was honest with Selena and tried to handle her emotions as best I could. I'm love her, but am trying to tuck that away. My wife and I are trying to figure out if we can be happy together long term. Both of us need to make some changes. So, no, absolutely not trying to drag this out and continue the hurt. Need closure, but both of us have to be involved in the solution. And I don't know what I can do for Selena except not hurt her further by contacting her. Your suggestions on her are welcome.

Edited January 26, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

It sounds like your wife has always had a low sex drive/low need for sex, and you're holding that against her. Sexual incompatibility isn't a reason to cheat, though, no matter how someone spins it. There's just no justification, ever.

[Orokotikki]

Well not answering that question is an obvious enough answer.

Which would obviously point to her discovering, knowing, or just having the intuition to knowing her husband had checked out and quit trying because he had other ways to meet his needs which wouldn't requiring meeting his wife's.

 

The obvious omission is probably because he was confronted and is adamant to only admit to what was discovered/she may have evidence of.

 

Sad, really.

Set your wife free.

[Rayce]

I don't understand this staying together for the kids. That is so old fashion, don't you think the kid knows what's going on? My parents were married for 50 friggen miserable years! I had a difficult relationship my mother for a long time because she choose to stay in abusive relationship.

 

Maintain NC toward Selena so she can heal. If it's meant to be she will be there when you are free from your marriage otherwise it is not fair for you to ask her to wait for something that may or may not happen.

 

I really want my ex to just show up at my door but only if he is free. I don't want to be the OW.

[Mike1111]

If you don't leave, are you going to commit to no longer being a cheater?

 

 

CautiouslyOptimistic and Wallysbears:

 

 

1) Partial answer: I have never had a multi-day, "encounter" with another female.

 

 

2) YES ! I am absolutely committed to never having any improper contact with a female outside my marriage ever again. And I know that's easy to say, but this whole affair (pun intended) has been life-changing for me (as Psucowboy also noted). I have been shaken to my core with the trauma I have both caused and experienced. I wouldn't survive this a second time. I am a different and better person now. Really.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I believe you about 2).

 

As far as 1) goes.....it's still cheating. And if you've done it many times through something like Adult Friend Finder, Tinder, Craigslist, etc......I hope you're getting STD checks regularly.

 

This kind of behavior (1)) is what led to the end of my marriage. I permanently lost ALL respect for my exH for being willing to lower himself to that level to look for anonymous sex on the Internet.

[Wallysbears]

You aren't far enough out of cheating to claim that you are a different and better person.

 

You've likely had sex with numerous women during the course of your marriage - even if they were just one night stands.

 

You went away on a trip and found it acceptable to download Tinder and seek out a random hook up and think that finding a 'release valve' is acceptable.

 

Does your wife know that this wasn't the first time? Or the only time?

 

Do you intend on being fully truthful with your wife?

[Mike1111]

I don't understand this staying together for the kids. That is so old fashion, don't you think the kid knows what's going on? My parents were married for 50 friggen miserable years! I had a difficult relationship my mother for a long time because she choose to stay in abusive relationship.

 

Maintain NC toward Selena so she can heal. If it's meant to be she will be there when you are free from your marriage otherwise it is not fair for you to ask her to wait for something that may or may not happen.

 

I really want my ex to just show up at my door but only if he is free. I don't want to be the OW.

Rayce and Wallysbear: yes our son knows we've had frictions, but nothing terrible. And right now we've been completely honest with him about me having met someone and his mother and I working on amicably deciding the best course. So it's not a miserable existence in this case.

 

I'll take your advice on Selena.

 

Yes, honesty about all with wife from last July till now. And really, this whole experience has nearly killed me (alongside everyone else's pain) -- I'm changed. I feel it in my core. I don't want this to every happen to anyone involved with me again. Can't happen again.

Edited January 25, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Fix spacing

[Psucowboy]

Hey mike, glad my post helped some.. probably helped me to post here too! I admit that the dreams suck, they are less frequent but every time I wake up I have to go through the pain of realizing it’s over. It took me years to get to this point, I couldn’t have changed any sooner but that’s me. It really does help me to remind myself why I had to end the affair.

 

I do love my affair partner, but the pain it was causing her was just as much as the pain you and I experience, probably more because she was just alone waiting for her moments of love and connection with me, that’s a ****ty way to live. So ending the affair was done out of my love and concern for her as well as my wife and children. I regret the pain I caused all of them. I could see that the path of moving straight from my marriage to my affair partner would be so destructive. I would be wrecking my relationship with my kids, my wife would be destroyed, and the new relationship would have so much stress and resentment that it would not survive. I believe all these things to be true.

 

It has been really nice to live honestly for the last months, it’s a wonderful feeling and worth giving the affair up for. My tentative plan is probable divorce but my wife deserves time, patience, and truthfulness after the **** I put her through. Perhaps over the next years our marriage will improve with this approach, I’m glad to be living in a way that’s congruent with who I am anyway. So yes I do love and miss my affair partner, enough that I am happy that she has moved on to a normal relationship and I’m not hurting her anymore. The last words she wrote to me three months ago were I will always love you, I believe her and it’s given me the strength to remain no contact, and to stop hurting both of us. I found counseling to be very helpful, and would recommend that and staying no contact, good job on starting down this path.

Edited January 25, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Paragraphs

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Yes, honesty about all with wife from last July till now.

 

How about from the date you got married through June 30, 2018?

[FMW]

Good grief - this thread makes me queasy. And I've been both the betrayed wife and the one involved with a married man.

 

OP, you are nowhere near having any clarity or rational thought on this whole mess. I don't believe for one moment that you won't be unfaithful to your wife again because you don't seem to have a real grasp on why you have been - apparently repeatedly - unfaithful in the first place.

 

Of course your wife shares responsibility for the problems in your marriage, but she has absolutely no responsibility for you being unfaithful. If she drove you that far away then you should have divorced her, or at the very least told her you would stay for the kids but you would be seeking emotional and physical involvement elsewhere. You have chosen to be unfaithful but to stay in your marriage for your own selfish reasons.

 

And lying to this other woman about your marital status, even for 4 days, was despicable and clearly, again, shows your selfishness. It doesn't matter if you didn't think it would amount to anything, she had clearly communicated she was only interested in a long term relationship.

 

You're not a "good guy" when you are lying and actively hurting other people in this way.

 

You do not love either of these women in any sense beyond what they are able to add to your life. Your actions are only for what you feel is in your self interest.

[]

Edited January 25, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Unnecessary

[Amethyst68]

I would love to hear your wife's version of your marriage. Your 'poor me' and sense of entitlement comes across in your posts.

 

It wouldn't surprise me if your wife has been suffering from depression for years, no doubt feeling your obvious resentment. Are the friends and family that agree about her mistreatment of you aware of your abuse of her by your cheating, not just the recent affair but all the one night stands?

 

Was she surprised by the affair? Does she know about the rest? You owe her the truth.

[Missedmistress]

And I don't know what I can do for Selena except not hurt her further by contacting her. Your suggestions on her are welcome.

 

Yes, this is the best act of love you can show her now, stay in NC, especially if you're staying with your wife or haven't decided on a definite course of action.

 

Selena will hate you, miss you, love you and repeat cycle...but at least she won't be trapped in a subpar marriage like you and hopefully will heal sooner than later. You need to understand that in her head you're having hot steamy sex with your wife now while trashing her, making amends with your wife and telling her how Selena was the biggest mistake of your life. And she probably can't get her head around how the feelings can just be gone, she will think it was all a lie and she was fooled. Just try to reverse the roles for a second to grasp this. Read up on some threads here if you want to know how single OW feels...I don't know because I'm not one of them, I'm trying to figure how to fix my subpar marriage so I know my AP is going through too, kinda.

 

This is out of the question for me now because I'm working on my M too but if I divorced and I'd only talk to AP if he was separated/divorced for a WHILE and he'd have to make a pretty big gesture to win me back after the emotional trauma he put me through (I assisted so don't blame him for it all).

Edited January 25, 2019 by Missedmistress

[Rayce]

Rayce and Wallysbear: yes our son knows we've had frictions, but nothing terrible. And right now we've been completely honest with him about me having met someone and his mother and I working on amicably deciding the best course.

 

I think bring kids in on adults matters and problems is a mistake. What kind of life lesson are you teaching your son by being so open and honest with him?

[Amethyst68]

You need to stay NC if you're serious about your marriage.

 

While I think it was despicable what you did to reel Selina in, she at least knew the truth from the 4th day. At that point she could have taken herself out of the situation. The only person without blame here is your wife.

[Mike1111]

Hey mike, glad my post helped some.. probably helped me to post here too! I admit that the dreams suck, they are less frequent but every time I wake up I have to go through the pain of realizing it’s over. It took me years to get to this point, I couldn’t have changed any sooner but that’s me. It really does help me to remind myself why I had to end the affair.

 

<SNIP>

 

 

Psucowboy: Wow, I'm amazed that my thoughts/feelings are almost exactly the same as yours. Besides the pain it's caused my wife, Selena was alone and waiting for her moments of love and connection with me, along with the occasional trauma from me attempting to break up -- indeed a sh*tty way to live. Yep, ending the relationship was done out my long term love and concern for her (along with with wife and son), even though the immediate result has been severe pain. Today is 8 days since we broke up and she's in emotional hell. I know this because unfortunately Selena has my work email (that I use exclusively) so she keeps sending me ultra-sad emails, but I don't respond. I suppose I could set up an Outlook rule and have her emails automatically deleted -- should I do that?

 

 

And, yep, even when I entertain the concept (if it were possible), it seems that moving straight from a divorce into a relationship with the person that you left the marriage for would bring along a ton of baggage. My relationship with Selena would be burdened with the knowledge that I had to crush someone else (my wife) to make it possible. And eventually Selena would have the same feelings ("Am I a homewrecker?"). Take that and add in Selena leaving her extended family, her country, her job, and her culture, and the logical side of me says that's a recipe for a very unhappy couple down the road. I think. I'm assuming that in the real world, love doesn't conquer all.

 

 

And like you (though me for much shorter time), I do like the feeling of going to work each day with no huge emotional decision looming, or the knowledge that I'm going to have to hurt someone badly soon. Yuck. I summed it up to my best friend by saying that the extreme highs of the relationship (ecstasy looking into Selena eyes) just were not worth the soul-crushing lows. And I assume Selena is going to come to that conclusion too.

 

 

But . . . . from what you've said, I'm always going to love her. That kind of bites. Wish the feelings would go away. But I suppose that's the price you and I have to pay. Good talking with you -- helps me, and hopefully you too a little bit.

Edited January 26, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[mark clemson]

YES ! I am absolutely committed to never having any improper contact with a female outside my marriage ever again. And I know that's easy to say, but this whole affair (pun intended) has been life-changing for me (as Psucowboy also noted). I have been shaken to my core with the trauma I have both caused and experienced. I wouldn't survive this a second time. I am a different and better person now. Really.

 

 

Hey there, Mike. All of the below is my personal opinion FWIW only:

 

To answer your original question about how long the pain lasts, I think you should plan for at least 6+ months, possibly longer, although the intensity should die down after a couple of months.

 

Since you intend to try to improve things, here are some suggestions to help deal with the residual limerence. It WILL fade, but it often takes a lot longer than one hopes.

 

 

• Cut the AP *completely* out of your life during NC. No check-ins just to make sure she's ok, no final farewells, no post-mortem analysis, NO stalking on social media. Think of it as the door is locked, the key is melted down, and the door is completely paved over with concrete. This should help + any of these things may re-trigger the limerence.
  

 

• Ignore or respond gently but firmly to any overtures from her + let her know you're going to follow up with blocking and then do it. (If you're lucky you won't get any - some women are good at cutting bait, but then again some aren't.)
  

 

• Any momentos or similar saved from your trips/memories with her should either be thrown away or locked away for several YEARS until completely safe to see them (at which point you probably won't care to anymore).
  

 

• Consider IC if you're not considering already.
  

 

• Get outside/connect with nature on a regular basis, daily being preferred (at least look at nature pics online if you're in the frozen NE) - serotonin to help against the dopamine.
  

 

• Also work out/exercise regularly - similar principle with endogenous opiates.
  

 

• Use your job as a distraction.
  

 

• Try to be social with friends in addition to the re-focusing on your family that you plan to do; keep in mind boundaries and adhere to them if there is any social flirting.
  

 

Think/hope the above will help with your "get over this" plan...

Edited January 25, 2019 by mark clemson

[Psucowboy]

Hey mike, glad it’s helping, this is the first I’ve ever posted my story at all so it’s helpful to me too. I do think you should block her emails. It’s hard to do but the more you do to get her out of your thoughts the better. You’re lucky in a way that she is so far from you, my affair was with a co worker. Some of the things I’ve done to help are that we changed our shifts, I only work nights and she only works days, we work in a large hospital so this has meant no seeing each other at work. I deleted Facebook and Instagram, I deleted WhatsApp and Marco Polo which were our communication apps. Finally just a few weeks ago I deleted an app that had 500+ pictures and videos she had shared with me and of us together. That was hard but good. When I say I still love her it’s becoming more of a fact than a feeling, and after 3.5 years it’s been a huge change for me but is getting much easier so don’t worry about that too much. It definitely is getting easier. I’ve read 10+ books on affairs and that has helped too, we who are involved in loving/limmerance affairs all share similar stories and feelings.

[Naivewomen]

@psucowboy. Its comforting to hear from a man. Many men believe that the MM could never have loved the other women. Many men on here believe that the men were just looking for sex. This helps me because I too believe the MM loved me. We were coworkers as well. It has been many months NC. I have read every thread and every book. I have even gone to IC nothing is getting me past the facts. I am deeply in love with him and marriage recovery seems near impossible with this feeling. MM definitely didnt want to destroy lives and wasnt willing to give up his family, so I am just waiting for the day the pain becomes lighter. It has been nearly 7 months. He recently reached out but it was more to see how I was doing. Nothing to restart anything as i was in too deep and almost divorced because if it. I cant belive the experience of another could be so difficult but it is!

[Mike1111]

I think bring kids in on adults matters and problems is a mistake. What kind of life lesson are you teaching your son by being so open and honest with him?

 

 

Rayce: In general I (and my wife) agree. We have gone to great lengths to not put him our in a position of having to takes a side, or be asked to have an opinion. But it was obvious that I had serious relationship outside the marriage, so we had to acknowledge that. Didn't see any way around that.