Author Mike1111 Posted January 25, 2019 Author Share Posted January 25, 2019 (edited) Hey there, Mike. All of the below is my personal opinion FWIW only: To answer your original question about how long the pain lasts, I think you should plan for at least 6+ months, possibly longer, although the intensity should die down after a couple of months. <SNIP> Mark: I really appreciate the guidance. Will follow it. 6 months? And I'm at 1 week now? Aughh, this is going to be painful. Plus that means my wife has to put up with me being mopey about Selena for a while. I'll try to keep it to myself. Edited January 26, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
Rayce Posted January 25, 2019 Share Posted January 25, 2019 I understand that. I agree with Naivewomen that it is nice to hear the other side. Personally it just makes it easier for me if I go forth think, feeling and believing that he loves me. I really have no clue what happened. It would be so much more hurtful if finding each other again after all these years to only succeeded in hating each other. Link to post Share on other sites
Psucowboy Posted January 25, 2019 Share Posted January 25, 2019 @naivewoman, glad that helps you.. I certainly do love her very much.. I’m sorry you’re still hurting after 7 months. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mike1111 Posted January 25, 2019 Author Share Posted January 25, 2019 (edited) @psucowboy. Its comforting to hear from a man. Many men believe that the MM could never have loved the other women. Many men on here believe that the men were just looking for sex. <snip> Naivewomen: Well, based on my experience and that of Psucowboy, I'd say that if you firmly believe that your MM loved you, then he very likely did/does. And deeply. And probably misses you to this day. Because he and I certainly feel that way. That probably doesn't make it any easier, but at least you know that there were genuine feelings behind your relationship -- not just a fling. Edited January 28, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Truncate quote Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mike1111 Posted January 25, 2019 Author Share Posted January 25, 2019 I understand that. I agree with Naivewomen that it is nice to hear the other side. Personally it just makes it easier for me if I go forth think, feeling and believing that he loves me. I really have no clue what happened. It would be so much more hurtful if finding each other again after all these years to only succeeded in hating each other. Rayce: See what I just mentioned to Naivewomen above. From a man's perspective, your AP most likely deeply loved/es you. Men can fall just as hard as women, and the feelings are just as real. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mike1111 Posted January 25, 2019 Author Share Posted January 25, 2019 (edited) Hey mike, glad it’s helping, this is the first I’ve ever posted my story at all so it’s helpful to me too. I do think you should block her emails. It’s hard to do but the more you do to get her out of your thoughts the better. You’re lucky in a way that she is so far from you, my affair was with a co worker.<snip> Psucowboy: A coworker? OMG, I can't imagine the pain of maintaining a breakup under those conditions. Just knowing that she's walking some of the same hallways, eating in the same cafeteria, etc., would be so difficult. I'm struggling -- and Selena is on another continent! And I'm sure it's just as difficult for your AP. Wow, a lot of strength in you two. I wish I could give Selena some of that strength -- she has no one at the moment. And that kills me. But I'm glad it's getting easier for you. Gives me hope. Edited January 28, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Truncate quote Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mike1111 Posted January 25, 2019 Author Share Posted January 25, 2019 (edited) Good grief - this thread makes me queasy. And I've been both the betrayed wife and the one involved with a married man. <SNIP> Finding My Way: I beg to differ. I will never be unfaithful in a committed relationship again. I may end up divorced, but I won't be unfaithful one way or another. It's easy for me to say this because the pain I've seen in my wife's face and Selena's face is etched into my brain. I don't EVER want to be the cause of something like that again. And add in the trauma I've gone through (because of the pain I've caused), and that's the magic recipe for me. Don't want any of that ever again. And, I agree, I'm wasn't being a "good guy" when I was actively lying and hurting other people. That's why I stopped. And I really do love my wife and Selena, but certainly it's different at the moment. I love my wife in that I care about her and her wellbeing. I love Selena . . . . well, I'm not sure how to characterize that, but I do love her. Now can I get the "Selena love" with my wife? We'll see. Not sure how to do that, but I'll try. And I hope Selena finds someone that makes her happy the way I did -- before I broke her heart and mine. Edited January 26, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted January 25, 2019 Share Posted January 25, 2019 Does your wife know about the other women? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mike1111 Posted January 25, 2019 Author Share Posted January 25, 2019 (edited) Yes, this is the best act of love you can show her now, stay in NC, especially if you're staying with your wife or haven't decided on a definite course of action. <SNIP> MissedMistress: Thanks for the insight from a female perspective on what Selena is going through. Pretty much what I imagined. And is exactly what makes me want to contact her -- to make sure she know it wasn't all a lie, that she wasn't fooled. But I won't. I do think that when she saw me sitting in the car in front of her apartment sobbing uncontrollably that surely she knew that ending our relationship wasn't easy (as far from "easy" as it gets). That I was (and am) in serious pain. I just have to hope she knows that. Good luck working on your marriage. Edited January 26, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mike1111 Posted January 25, 2019 Author Share Posted January 25, 2019 Does your wife know about the other women? Elaine: She knows about one other (no emotional attachment -- definitely not a "Selena situation"). And we've both agreed to leave it at that -- let bygones be bygones. Our biggest hurdle at the moment (we'll work on the other hurdles later) is dealing with me being sad about Selena. Diana is being understanding about that (mainly because she acknowledges a part in making our marriage rocky), but it's still hard for her to see me being mopey because I miss Selena (duh). Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted January 25, 2019 Share Posted January 25, 2019 I hope you are right, that you will be faithful. Realize though that right now you are not being faithful emotionally - even though you are no longer in contact with the other woman, she is consuming your thoughts. It's normal, I get it. I'm just saying please realize the other woman is still part of your marriage. Much of these posts are romantacising and indulging in your feelings. Again, I get it, you need to get it out, but it means you are very far from being in the position to know whether or not you are going to be faithful and dedicated to your marriage going forward. Imagine how you would feel if your wife was saying similar things about your marriage and about her love for another man. If you could even get past that, would you trust that she would be faithful going forward? You are in that famous fog still. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted January 25, 2019 Share Posted January 25, 2019 (edited) Elaine: She knows about one other (no emotional attachment -- definitely not a "Selena situation"). <snip> You have managed to offload a lot of the blame onto your poor wife. She being hurt and no doubt desperate to keep her marriage is accepting that blame. It is not really very fair of you to do that as well as expecting her to feel sorry for you whilst you mope about grieving for another woman... This is all incredibly selfish stuff on your part. You want to rug sweep too, but that never works. ...and as for your little plan to leave once your son is older - speechless, no words. You need to stop thinking about YOU, your feelings, your needs and start thinking about other people. Are you going to IC and/or MC? Edited January 29, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Truncate quote 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mike1111 Posted January 25, 2019 Author Share Posted January 25, 2019 (edited) I hope you are right, that you will be faithful. <SNIP> Finding My Way: OK, fair enough. Indeed Selena is consuming my thoughts. But -- good idea or bad -- I am being honest about it with my wife. I've told her "I miss Selena, but I'm working to get over it. I hope she's OK." Which I agree is pretty tough for her to hear. And I think she's only able to tolerate it because she knows she had some part in our marriage being rocky (as I mentioned in a previous post). Could I do the same if the roles were reversed? I honestly believe I could, in that I would say "Go ahead and do what you need to to get over him -- but only if you want to make the marriage work. If not, then don't put yourself (or me) through this and go ahead and let's make plans to be with him.' Which is pretty much what she has said. If I can't make the marriage work (like if I can't get over Selena), then I'll work on an amicable divorce before I resort to being unfaithful again. Nope, can't take another hurting people like that again. I'll try to get out of the fog. But from what others say, it seems that it's going to take a while. Yuck. Edited January 26, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted January 25, 2019 Share Posted January 25, 2019 You have managed to offload a lot of the blame onto your poor wife. She being hurt and no doubt desperate to keep her marriage is accepting that blame. It is not really very fair of you to do that as well as expecting her to feel sorry for you whilst you mope about grieving for another woman... This is all incredibly selfish stuff on your part. You want to rug sweep too, but that never works. Especially since she doesn't even know the whole truth/what exactly she's attempting to save . Makes me sad for her, regardless of her moodiness and lack of spunk in the sack. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mike1111 Posted January 25, 2019 Author Share Posted January 25, 2019 (edited) You have managed to offload a lot of the blame onto your poor wife. She being hurt and no doubt desperate to keep her marriage is accepting that blame.<snip> Elaine: No, Diana is not accepting all the blame -- she's a strong woman and has limits on what she will go along with. But she's willing to admit that some of her actions at least could have pushed us to a divorce. I think I misstated the "leave later" thought. That's not an actual plan, but rather one of those thoughts that pops into your head without being invited. One of those limerence thoughts: "Oh, it would all be fine if I just left after our son goes to college." Of course that's not very rational. Or fair. Edited January 28, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Truncate quote Link to post Share on other sites
pepperbird Posted January 25, 2019 Share Posted January 25, 2019 (edited) sir, there is a school of thought that cheating on your spouse is a form of abuse. I happen to agree with that. You are being extremely cruel to your wife, and it doesn't sound like she has the emotional strength to extricate herself. What you are doing to her is torture, and you keep dangling the carrot in front of her, giving her what amounts to false hope. You say all the right words, but you don't get it. If you did, and if you cared for her at all, you would let your wife go and find a man who actually loves her and doesn't just see her as his soft place to land. You indicated that she is online trying to find ways to help your recover from your affair. Really think about that for a minute. You've got a woman who is willing to degrade herself enough to do that because she loves you so damned much. What else are you going to tacitly ask her to do, how much lower are you going to have her sink before you cut the rope? OW who read this...pay strict attention. THIS is your typical married man. Willing to throw his wife under the bus to get what he wants. Edited January 28, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Formatting and paragraphs 5 Link to post Share on other sites
pepperbird Posted January 25, 2019 Share Posted January 25, 2019 (edited) CautiouslyOptimistic and Wallysbears: 1) Partial answer: I have never had a multi-day, "encounter" with another female. 2) YES ! I am absolutely committed to never having any improper contact with a female outside my marriage ever again. And I know that's easy to say, but this whole affair (pun intended) has been life-changing for me (as Psucowboy also noted). I have been shaken to my core with the trauma I have both caused and experienced. I wouldn't survive this a second time. I am a different and better person now. Really. Sir, I just read your post where you noted this isn't your first affair. Please, let your wife go. you are a serial cheat. I don't think you're a horrible person, you're just not cut out for monogamy. You'll have the best of intentions and really mean the promises you make to your wife and yourself, but the next time you feel your marriage is stumbling, this will likley be your go to move. You'll tell yourself it's okay because your wife is moody/ not the best when it comes to sex, and you'll rationalize your behvaior and make it all seem okay. You have a very shallow understanding of this...you really don't get what this is doing to your wife. Please, really think about this and be honest with yourself about whether or not you can change. Either way, at least let your wife know the whole truth so she can make a fully informed decision. You sound like a decent guy at heart, and I hope you'll extend that to your wife. btw...read the last part of your post. you really don't get it. it's all about you. " I have been shaken to my core with the trauma I have both caused and experienced. I wouldn't survive this a second time" - this gives you an "out" when you are feeling needy, as all you have to do is convince yourself you can handle it. Instead, frame it as " I won't do it again because of the pain I cause to others. They might not survive it a second time". It actually makes a world of difference, even though it might be semantics. Edited January 28, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Paragraphs 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Amethyst68 Posted January 25, 2019 Share Posted January 25, 2019 Totally agree with pepperbird's post! You continually mention how your wife contributed to your rocky marriage but nothing about your own actions. Your wife can certainly own her behavior in the marriage but the affair is 100% on you. I hope you have the sensitivity to at least mourn your AP in private. Your wife deserves at least that small consideration. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Naivewomen Posted January 25, 2019 Share Posted January 25, 2019 @psucowboy. Did ur wife find out about ur affair or did u just stop because of the pain and guilt and etc. My husband never found out but I have disconnected so much and gave so much of myself to the MM that I'm feeling hopeless about my marriage. After all this, I will have neither of them. I'm afraid and in emotional distress not sure there is any resolve now. Mike if you cant stop loving the other women than maybe u should divorce be alone to work on you and give your wife a chance at real happiness. I feel like my husband doesnt deserve this. His wife is deeply in love with a married man. I didnt like being strung along thats why I ended the affair. I dont think it's fair too string along our spouses out of fear. We definitely fell in love with the wrong people. Look at how it turned out. Every one loses from our bad choices. If we dont find happiness within ourselves we are all doomed amd we will never make anyone happy. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mike1111 Posted January 28, 2019 Author Share Posted January 28, 2019 Pepperbird and Amethyst, Yes, I can see how it looks from the outside. And I did word that last piece slightly incorrectly -- I can't survive anyone going through this pain again. The look on Diana's face (wife), the look on Selena's face, the deep, wrenching pain in my heart -- nope I can't live with any of that ever again. I fell deeply in love with another woman, had to break her heart (that is an understatement), then had to break my wife's heart by telling her that I had fallen in love with another woman, AND then had to deal with my own broken heart. That's 3 people who feel like crap right now, which is about 3 too many. Yes, I own my actions. I guess instead of seeking the affection/happiness I was craving outside my marriage, I should have either tried to fix my marriage (sort of tried that a few times) or gotten divorced and tried to find happiness. But the problem always was that our marriage was decent -- it seemed awfully selfish to break up our marriage because I wasn't totally happy. It seemed like a simple fling to satisfy an urge for more exciting sex would be harmless. Right. I never expected to also find the happy personality I was craving in the same package. I think it was MissedMistress who said I accidentally "caught some feels." Yep, in a big scary way. No, I'm not a serial cheater. I was a serial "true happiness" seeker, but in reality that's probably a mirage. Marriage has it's ups and downs. So, anyway, I just want the feelings to die down. And not just my feelings of missing Selena, but my pain for the anguish Selena is obviously going through. My wife I can help. I'm present and can try to be a better husband and help her with the pain of the affair -- and what truly bothers her is not really the extramarital sex, but the emotional bond I formed with Selena. So I can work on that. But it sure would help if I could stop thinking about Selena . . . . Link to post Share on other sites
Wildflower201 Posted January 29, 2019 Share Posted January 29, 2019 I'm a former OW. As far as your source of information fueling your decisions, I could find you a YouTube video of a reputable person confirming any decision you could make. No contact is not for your former OW. No contact is a self serving decision that in this case also serves your wife. What you could do, or could have done, is mean the things that you said to your OW and follow through. In my case, and I'm sure in hers, MM spun tales. It is much more than painful to be abandoned after someone has said all of the things that MM say. It wreaks havoc on the mind. I asked my MM to tell me that he lied when he spoke of us being together, etc. He would not. Its cruel. Yes, I was in an affair, but I didn't lie. He did, and it's being left in that confusion that causes so many issues. If you loved someone, you wouldn't treat them that way, and if you did....that isn't love. Women deserve to know from the MM that does the lying, that everything you've said and done means nothing, that your claims are lies, and that you will not follow through with anything you've said. It is unlikely that you would leave your wife and be with Selena. Being with someone, following through, would mean holding to the feelings that started the "love" you claimed to feel. Having the fortitude to face whatever comes with someone is not something that many people are capable of. It isn't shocking that you didn't keep your word to your wife or mistress. It isn't shocking that you weren't able to actually be with your mistress, go against the grain, and even attempt to be in a relationship with the odds stacked against it. There are people that do it, and do it happily knowing that love does not conquer all, but that they can be brave and conquer it all together anyway. Outside of that, there is nothing that you can do. Living with possible irreparable damage to another human being isn't easy. And, as far as I'm concerned, you missing her is the minute justice that Selena deserves for the illusion you created, convinced her of, then stole from her. I hope you miss her always. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
pepperbird Posted January 29, 2019 Share Posted January 29, 2019 (edited) <snip> It seemed like a simple fling to satisfy an urge for more exciting sex would be harmless. No, I'm not a serial cheater. I was a serial "true happiness" seeker, but in reality that's probably a mirage. Marriage has it's ups and downs. So, anyway, I just want the feelings to die down. And not just my feelings of missing Selena, but my pain for the anguish Selena is obviously going through. My wife I can help.. Sir,no you can't help your wife. You can't help her at all, and it shows just how out of touch you are that you think you can. I don;t think that's because you're a bad guy, it's because, until one experienced infidelity from the perspective of the betrayed spouse, one simply can't understand. You have gone form being the on person in the whole world who she should have been able to trust to never, ever try and hurt her, and that is exactly what you did. The fact that you are so blase about it shows you clearly don't get it. Whatever pain Selena may be experiencing has got nothing on what your wife is going through, and not only does she have to go through he pain, she has to see the man who caused her this anguish and see him pining for the woman who helped to cause it. She can't even seek support form the one man in the world she shoudl be able to turn to...every time she does, she sees the same man who hurt her. In effect, she is being asked to not only carry her own pain, but in yours and Selena's as well. (I'm not going to explain that...like I said you won't get it. I don't mean that as an insult to you or to mean you're some sort of jerk, just that it's not something you can understand without having been there. My best analogy is to say that imagine you walked in on her right in the middle of having sex with another guy. He's gone, but she's either going on about how great he was or pining for him right in front of you...how would that make you feel?) also, you have had more than one affair ( one night stands count) . That makes you a serial cheater. The sooner you can face that, the better off both you and your wife will be. Edited January 29, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Truncate quote 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Wallysbears Posted January 29, 2019 Share Posted January 29, 2019 I don't think I've ever read anything so self centered in my entire life. My heart truly goes out to Diana and the kid in this situation. OP - I think you should go off and be with Selena and let your wife and son heal and fill their lives without you being a part of it and dragging them through this. Man up, help financially, and go be with the woman you "love" so much. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
BreakOnThrough Posted January 29, 2019 Share Posted January 29, 2019 You need a HUGE dose of humility my friend, stop the manipulation and let these poor women have peace. They are both better off without you, no excuses, be a man for once and follow-through. Tell them both this and leave them alone forever. You have already lost everything, you may not realize it yet, but you will eventually, life will never be the same for you again guaranteed, and when your actions FINALLY hit you, and they will, it will only be 1/10th the pain you have caused everyone. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
pepperbird Posted January 29, 2019 Share Posted January 29, 2019 OP - I think you should go off and be with Selena and let your wife and son heal and fill their lives without you being a part of it and dragging them through this. . I doubt Selena's in as much turmoil as the op claims. I expect a significant amount of that is ego. He wants to believe she cared as much about him and is in a puddle of her own tears somewhere. I doubt that's the case. in fact, I half wonder if this was more about her spotting a big, fat wallet than "love". 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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