This affair almost ruined my life!!!

[anika99]

@pepper bird. I take full ownership for my choices. I regained my power and strength to ward of MM's wrath. I take ownership and focused on fixing my marriage. Their is no valid reason why I did this to my husband. I am fully aware. I needed to change not him. I learned through this experience and as I conti he to heal I hope to help others down the road with their efforts for full recovery.

 

How are you taking ownership? All you have done on this thread is speak like a helpless victim (which you never were) and blame others for your actions. It's the MM fault because he was manipulative, it's your husband's fault because he was too useless at being a friend, it's your husband's fault because he didn't stop the affair he never knew you were having.

 

Now you are planning to drag him to marriage counseling where you will further disrespect him with more manipulation and dishonesty. You will have no choice if you plan to keep the affair secret. What do you think marriage counseling is? Do you think that it will just be you giving a list of your grievances that your husband needs to fix? No, it won't be like that, not if you have a good therapist. A good therapist will give your husband equal time to share what makes him unhappy. He will get a chance to discuss the lack of sex, your distance, your faults and what are you going to say? You're going to lie your face off and blame it all on him to protect yourself and your secrets. That's not taking ownership,that's not starting over with a clean slate. That's just piling more dirt on a huge dirt pile.

[Mrs._December]

Men do not operate like this. He never stopped intimacy with his spouse.

Of course he didn't - most don't. Most don't replace what they have at home, most of them do it for the extra.

 

You were simply the extra for him. It's a shame he got 5 years of that extra before you finally caught on.

[Bittersweetie]

Think of things this way: would you rebuild a house on a cracked foundation? Because that is what is happening when one chooses to repair the marriage without being completely truthful. At any moment the crack can break and the house collapses.

 

I advocate for truth because then both you and your husband have the freedom to make choices based on reality and truth. Currently your H's reality is not what he thinks it is. When I was in my affair, my husband made an important career decision. He told me, after d-day, that if he'd known what I'd been doing, he would've made a different choice.

 

I took his truth away from him. Just like you are doing to your husband.

 

I know the thought of your affair coming out is terrifying. The shame, the embarrassment, the unknown future. But reconciling a marriage takes honesty, authenticity, vulnerability. All things that are hard to do when there is a huge lie between you that only one party knows. I'm not saying you have to decide now what to do but understand there are consequences to our choices and confessing and the aftermath may be one of them.

[Vivir]

@Dkt3 I am not sure what type of people you know but why would others intentionally try to ruin the lives of others. Why would anyone meddle in peoples lives. People really should mind their own business and never throw stones. I would never interfere in someone else's life unless there were some serious events unfolding.

 

OP, you are being very naive indeed about the motivations of people in numerous areas of daily life ... and some people's unfortunate willingness to cause destruction in the lives of others for even the most basic of reasons.

 

Furthermore, it can be argued that you yourself have helped to ruin the emotional stability of the married man's betrayed wife, whom he continuously gaslights. It can be argued that you have meddled in their marriage, albeit with his consent. It can be argued that you should have minded your own business (that is, your own marriage that actually needed and continues to need you to pay some mind to it). What were the serious events unfolding that caused you to interfere in their marriage?

 

These may be the harshest words I have ever written on LoveShack.org. It's like a mirror being cast back on you. It can be a painful realization that you are the villain. I know, because I have been one although I was unmarried.

 

I told a man I was dating that I had been the OW. I was free from the burden of holding in such a secret from him, but there were serious consequences for having lied to him about my then-recent affair... not for the affair itself, but for having lied to him...

 

Even after that ordeal, I am still in the camp of honesty. The truth will set you free. In your case, you may find that these lies, this charade that you must keep up *forever* will become taxing and burdensome, standing in the way like a downed tree of the healed former wayward wife you seek to become. You may end up telling your husband the truth before too long yourself anyway for reasons you have yet to discover within you.

 

It's early days, yet, so I'm sure you'll keep everyone posted.

[Mrs._December]

@DKT3 she did want to call my husband and me when she found out. The reason she didn't was A, he promised her he would stop communicating with me. B, he does control her (he wont even let her get a job because he fears someone trying to seduce his wife. She stays very much locked in a box in her house and shes very happy there.

Gosh. I can see why you were obsessed with him for so long. He sounds like a dream. :sick:

 

Someone needs to free that poor woman of this creep before he brings home a life threatening STD.

[Naivewomen]

@still a fool. Can u please enlighten me on your story. Still a fool doesnt quite sound like you were the cheater but rather the one cheated on. I would love to hear your story.

[Naivewomen]

At one moment you say I accept responsibility then the next you totally blame your husband for every thing.

 

I have seen MW come in here and have a good mindset for this journey, I dont see this in you. I see someone scared. Lost what you wanted in MM now you fear losing your backup. Being alone isnt so bad, but nothing your saying leads me to believe you will be successful in your marriage. 27 year or not.

 

<SNIP>

@DKT3 obviously I am very much emotionally unstable. At no point did I say I have anything figured out. The lows of the emotional instability is debilitating. I have no one to blame but myself and I am certainly not looking for your empathy. To be quite Frank, you are not on this thread of cheaters to help anyone of them. This maybe your revenge tactic and a job now for you to go on here and bash all the cheaters in the world. Doesnt quite seem that you have fully recovered from your cheating spouse and how much pain she caused you. I'm sorry but if I stand corrected please elaborate. I believe marriage is a 50/50 equal partnership. If i was completly happy with my life and nothing was missing this simply never would have taken place. Your wife may not have ever wanted to leave you but she certainly wasnt happy with you either. Where have you taken blame for your wrongdoings in your marriage. Obviously. Cheating is a symptom to the problem but there were problems in ur marriage for sure. If you have no empathy for cheaters your really shouldn't be sharing your disdain either. I want to hear from caring loving people not haters. My apologies if I was too harsh. Look deep within yourself obviously knowing she had an affair has ruined you to the core or you would be off of here in bliss!!! Your certainly not here to help anyone. Just to make then feel less of a person. Everyone makes bad choices in life you are not immune. Dont throw stones when you live in a glass house.

Edited January 17, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Naivewomen]

Mrs. December yes MM had me way too long for sure. Even the ones that want the extra are still unhappy in their marriages. They would never be able to justify this with anything. He possibly cant be 100% fulfilled or he never would have strayed . He got caught several times and continued seeing me. I refuse to belive that there was no emotional attachment. I was naive yes but not that dumb!

[Snipercatt]

“If i was completly happy with my life and nothing was missing this simply never would have taken place. “

 

Rather, “If you were happy with yourself . . . “ It is not your life that needs the fixing, it is something within you.

 

It is 100% your responsibility how you dealt with what needs/needed fixing within you. How your marriage is/was and how your husband is/was isn’t the issue that needs dealing with first, it is your choices, delusions and blameshifting. Peel those away and deal with your own deficits. As harsh as that sounds/feels, it is the only way to effectively move forward; everything rlse is a bandaid on a mortal, oozing, wound.

[Naivewomen]

@snipercatt. I absolutely agree and have taken those necessary steps. I have been seeing a therpist for over a year. I have learned alot of my unhappiness was within myself. I have a wonderful life and almost ruined for an unavailable man. I was searching quickly for answers. This is so beneath my character I have grown in leaps and bounds within myself. Have found more clarity and inner peace. Have gotten out there and started helping the less fortunate people of this world. Realized I needed to strength my faith in God I was lacking there. This affair has ruined me in many ways and I will not let it define me. I will pick up the pieces and to the best of my ability seek forgiveness. Maybe I will tell my husband one day. I'm not sure. I take one day at a time now.

[Snipercatt]

“I have learned alot of my unhappiness was within myself.”

 

Ihave the advantage of having lived much longer than you so in time,if you continue on your quest for self-awareness, you will probably learn that ALL (not alot) of your unhappiness is/was within yourself.

 

 

We always have choices with how we react and choices with what we do. The responsibility for those choices reside 100% ours alone. As an exercise in taking responsibility, go back in this theead (which you have posted after this year with a therapist) and admit to yourself (not necessarily to us) where you made excuses for, reasoned and blameshifted, your choices on other factors, people and situations. The reason for your choices always reside within you.

[DKT3]

Anyone who has read our story here will tell you, I fully own that I was a horrible husband. I have said many times had she divorced me I would have understood.

 

However, part of owning YOUR stuff is admitting you are why you cheated and not because your marriage wasnt good. If the lame my marriage made me do it excuse were true you would have 100% infidelity in 100% of marriages. All marriages have problems no one in the history of marriage has been happy all the time. No you cheated because you cheated not because your marriage made you, not because your husband didn't stop you.

 

Posting here can be difficult, the reason why is because it's hard to sell snake oil in a room full of snake oil salesmen. Some here are in your same situation, some have progressed farther some not as far. Many have already made this journey. As such it's easy to recognize BS when we hear it. Having people peel away your bs and expose your behavior to its simplest form is difficult. Most of us he had it done...I know I did even as a betrayed spouse.

 

I can already see you having layers peeled off, your weak justification and so on. I dont think you are as far along as you think. Maybe in a month or two (if you actually stay out of your affair) you will come back and reread this and say WTF was I saying. I know many have. My wife told me this word for word "I was like an alien during and coming out of the affair, I thought and felt things that make no sense to me. I said things and would immediately think to myself, do I really believe that " in short your main motivation right now is to self protect. In this mode some strange things will come out especially when challenged about things you've spent so much time reinforcing.

 

No, I'm not hurt by my wife's affair, it's been over a decade since. I remember, but not hurt. Also, I'm no coddler we have plenty here. I have empathy for people's pain, but not much for continuing poor behavior and crying foul or its someone else's fault.

[Amethyst68]

As I said before I think you need to look for a new therapist. One that does not supportive of the affair and the MM, one that does not tell you to wait and see what happens.

 

Get an IC that does what Snipercatt suggests and gets to the root of what was within YOU that made you respond to this man and have a long term affair. Not lay all the responsibility at the feet of the MM for manipulating you and certainly not at your husband for not rescuing you from the clutches of an affair he knew nothing about!

 

Also please go back and read the comments both anika99 and I made about MC.

 

I would say don't be too sure your husband doesn't at least suspect. If you've ever looked at any off the infidelity sites you often see that BS s start looking because of a marked change in their spouse's behaviour and are just waiting to confront.

 

You should know no-one is making these comments to shame or harass you, it's just that we've seen this play out time and time again.

[Naivewomen]

@DKT3 I'm sorry for my harsh lash back . I am fully suffering from my actions. The way I treated my spouse, my children and my extended family, I truly deserve none of it. I ignored the real love from all the people in my life. I was deeply troubled inside at no real time during the affair was I fully happy. I felt alive but with that aliveness I was in a deeper pain than ever before. I felt lost and much like that alien feeling you described your wife saying. I will never turn back to the MM although hes teying again. It just shows me how shallow of a human being he is. Hes truly only worried about HIS overall happiness. I need hobbies more friends and etc. I so desire to be a better person than before. I swore this past year away and I will make new changes for I have learned alot about myself during this process now I have to implement with honest and authentic actions. I lied for so long I forgot who I was.

[Naivewomen]

@amethyst I know. I held onto every word from my therpist. I sought her out for help and she was telling me how she believes in love and sometimes Sxxt happens. Hence validating and justifying my feelings for MM. This was wrong on her part . I once went into her and told her please dont advise anybody that comes in here that's having an affair to wait and see how it plays out. All affairs are wrong and dishonest. She agreed. She is a young woman never married and I guess inexperienced. I will seek someone more qualified. I am definitely depressed and have come along way since I ended the affair. I finally dont feel trapped anymore and a huge weight has been lifted. I must find deep inner happiness within myself before I can give anything to anyone. One day at a time. I somehow manage to keep smiling because smiles are infectious.

[The Dude Abides]

Good afternoon OP,

 

I have been reading your posts for a while and I feel terribly for the situation you’re in and for your husband, and yes, even for you. I do feel this is a situation of your own creation and I don’t feel it’s reasonable to pass the buck in any way to the direction of any of your husband’s shortcomings.

 

My opinion about marriage is that it is one of those very few things in life that are absolutes, with no gray area for interpretation. A marital violation , in my view, is as serious as anything can be and for which there is never any justification. So the result of this firm conviction of mine is that anything one spouse does, no matter how reprehensible, is never the reason for committing adultery or some other form of marital violation.

 

The solutions for dealing with something “bad” on the part of the other spouse could be numerous and varied, and ultimately an aggrieved spouse could choose to divorce the offending spouse and relieve him/herself from the absolute obligations required of matrimony . IOW, there is a right way to proceed and a wrong way to proceed. Again, this is my opinion I am passing on for your consideration and many people will have different views on this.

 

I do think your husband has the right to know about what has been going on. I do think you have the duty to admit to him what you have been doing. If, and only if, he asks something along the lines of “why did you do this to me ?” should you respond with the various reasons why you did it or least led to your behavior. The fine distinction here is that you should not offer any “justification” for what you did and it should strictly be limited to an admission of guilt and expression of remorse, shame etc. I agree with all posters here at LS who say there is never any justification for committing adultery.

 

And it is my military background that taught me long ago to avoid making excuses and trying to justify why I failed to do something I was supposed to do. It made my later working career a lot easier whenever I botched something and my boss or a customer was angry and I was “called on the carpet” and simply, concisely stated: “I am wrong. I didn’t do what i was supposed to. I have no excuse and will work to fix it”.

 

I think that is the only thing that has potential to help you get where you want to be. Really, what else can your husband say if you , with zero excuses, admit the wrongs you have committed? If he asks for things he needs to work on so you aren’t unhappy, then so be it. But that shouldn’t be a condition of your absolute and total admission of fault.

 

I think you have expressed some ill emotions over how your AP has been handling things. If you consider that you were involved with someone who didn’t have scruples and thus don’t expect that they will do things in a proper and honorable way, then you wont be disappointed by him. He was NOT a solid guy to begin with because if he were that kind of guy he never would have carried on with another woman in the first place. My advice is to accept who he is and don’t look for a high standard of behavior from him. It isn’t likely going to happen.

 

You mentioned that marriage is a 50/50 partnership and yes, I agree that is true on a superficial level. It’s a good, pat slogan to have at the ready for all spouses to use. But I developed a bit of a different view of this 50/50 proposition, largely as a result of the disastrous first marriage I suffered through.

 

If you own a house you likely have seen the legal a term “tenancy by the entirety”. In layman’s terms, that concept says that each of you owns 100% of the house, not just 50%. The lawyers would say that each owns an undivided whole part of the house. It can’t be split.

 

I apply that concept to marriage and feel that each spouse owes the other spouse 100% of the effort and committment in the marriage. This has the effect of keeping things going when times are tough and maybe one spouse isn’t pulling his/her own weight. Or being difficult, emotionally distant, grouchy, nasty, sick, lazy, neglectful, etc etc. All of those things sound familiar to all of us who are married. But when the spouses are dedicatied to giving more than they should be required to give, it has the effect of pulling the other spouse through the tough patch. That is where I think your duty lay way back then when you were feeling the justification for starting an affair.

 

If you can follow my reasoning on this and also apply it to your situation, it might help you to break free from the emotional logjam you’re in right now. You might be able to work this out with your husband, or he might elect to say goodbye and he has no interest in continuing with the marriage. Being involved in any way (even just in your mind) with this other man is a dead end. I think your only hope for happiness and peace of mind is to come clean with your husband and accept your responsibility and change how you act in the future. If that future includes your husband then you will have a new approach of how to interact with him and stay dedicated to doing things the right way.

 

 

I hope there might be at least one small idea in this post that helps you get to a better place than where you are now.

 

If it matters at all, IMO DKT3’s posts are genuine commentary from someone who has experienced a bad situation and wishes to share opinions, insights and experiences. I haven’t felt that anything DKT3 has posted was anything driven by ulterior motives such as revenge or an agenda to bash people. Maybe it’s the way this forum is moderated, but it sure seems to me that there are a lot of people posting here with genuine concern and willingness to help. I hope you find advice here that helps you as much as possible.

[The Dude Abides]

OP, I see you made amends with DKT3 with your posting while I was typing. (Thumbs up imogi here )

 

BTW, in case you think i came across as preachy in my last post, I fully admit that I frequently , in the most generous description, acts like a total bonehead with Mrs. Dude Abides. Often times I think harsher words might be more appropriate.

 

Becuase i finally figured * all this out, some years ago I resolved to just admit it and typically I just buy some flowers , or make something tasty she likes to eat, approach her, and simply say “I’m sorry, I was a total assh*le earlier”. Short and sweet LOL .

 

Like I said earlier, what can she do to follow up on that ?

 

* (hard-headed, slow learning curve, thankful that she stuck with me while I was figuring it out )

[Lewhawk]

OP I’m not saying that you can’t make it through this thing without telling, I’m saying your husband doesn’t deserve this type of marriage. Counseling would be a lie, the biggest problem in your marriage is the one he doesn’t know about. Me and my ex did counseling, I became an ideal husband for 9 years after her affair, an affair I had no clue about until I stumbled across a text to a friend. For me the 9 years after were a lie, everything I was told and everything I believed. I couldn’t come back after a lie that big for that long and I divorced her 2 months later, the affair I could get over, the lies I couldn’t.

[El Duendecillo]

I couldn’t come back after a lie that big for that long and I divorced her 2 months later, the affair I could get over, the lies I couldn’t.

 

Lewhawk, may I ask how your marriage was at the time you discovered your W's past A?

 

Op, the above is another possibility to consider if you keep this secret from your BH. How can your BH possibly work toward being the better husband, when he has no idea what he's been up against? Imagine how he must feel not having any intimacy from his wife in such a long time? Does he blame or question himself, or feel undesired?

 

If you keep this from him, everything going forward with be built upon a lie. Ultimately the choice is yours whether to disclose or not. But it may also help you get over your A and the exMM must faster if you rip off the bandaid now, rather than years down the road.

[Lewhawk]

El, we had a brief separation a year prior over trust issues on both of our parts the year prior to dday. After we got back together and ended the separation and recommitted to making it work and I honestly felt like we were a new couple, honeymoon phase all over again. The affair occurred when I was away with the military years prior, I’d always suspected but never had proof. Part of ending the separation was a period of honesty and amnesty, so I thought I finally had a real answer that nothing had occurred back then. Was 4 months into the “new” us that I found out the truth.

[Overtaxed]

Even the ones that want the extra are still unhappy in their marriages. They would never be able to justify this with anything.

 

You could not be more wrong about this. No, I can't speak for your MM or even "most" married men. But I can say, out of the married men I know who are cheating, nearly all of them are "happy" in their marriage. They talk about their wives with me, say they love them, plan to do things with them. The only mention of the AP might come as an "And I got a great BJ last week from AP!". Saying this shows that you're projecting yourself to a MM, and, let me tell you, it's just not the same. Lot's of happy men cheat, in fact, stats tell us that MOST cheating MM are "happy" in their marriage. Cheating is about more sex, plain and simple, for every cheater that I know. It's got nothing to do with not loving the wife and everything to do with entitlement and lack of respect for the wife and the marriage vows. Thinking a man loves you because he's sleeping with you, in an A or even in a normal relationship is a terrible, terrible mistake. I've slept with people I can't stand before, people I found dull and boring, people who I didn't even find attractive but made it "easy enough". Love's got almost nothing to do with my sex drive, and most men I know would say the same. Yes, love and sex CAN come from the same person, but, in my personal life, it's exceedingly rare. Me having sex with you means "He wants to have sex" not "He loves you/likes you/finds you attractive/wants to be with you". And this is all X1000 in an affair, he already has a wife, he's almost certainly not looking for a new one.

 

Please, if nothing else, don't take "he sleeps with me" to mean "he loves me" or "he's unhappy at home". The implication just isn't there for most men. The best example I can draw, if you saw a man out at a restaurant, you could draw 2 conclusions. One is "He likes to eat out" and the other is "His wife is a crappy cook". You're drawing the second conclusion, but, for all you know, his wife is Julie Child! He might just like to eat out (have sex with more than one woman). And, much like eating out, there are a LOT of men who enjoy "take out" even though their wives are great cooks.

[Starswillshine]

Yeah, my husband was happy in our marriage. Iver the top happy. He just wasnt always with me. And when we werent together, he needed attention, so he got it from whatever girl he could find in whatever city he was in. Do you see how that is a HIM problem? It is so incredibly weak to NEED validation and attention from other people.

 

I divorced him. Not just because of the affairs but also, I dont want to be with someone who is that weak. Who isnt confident in himself he needs validation from others.

 

Let that sink in for a second...

[Naivewomen]

@the dude abides. I keep rereading what you wrote. Thank you so much for your knowledge and understanding. It's getting clearer to me everday. I appreciate your post!

[The Dude Abides]

@the dude abides. I keep rereading what you wrote. Thank you so much for your knowledge and understanding. It's getting clearer to me everday. I appreciate your post!

 

 

NW,

 

I am happy to hear that any ideas I have to pass on might help you. There have been many members posting good advice for you in this thread and I'm glad to be a part of it.

 

I hope you can check in soon with some news of your situation improving.

[The Dude Abides]

Yeah, my husband was happy in our marriage. Iver the top happy. He just wasnt always with me. And when we werent together, he needed attention, so he got it from whatever girl he could find in whatever city he was in. Do you see how that is a HIM problem? It is so incredibly weak to NEED validation and attention from other people.

 

I divorced him. Not just because of the affairs but also, I dont want to be with someone who is that weak. Who isnt confident in himself he needs validation from others.

 

Let that sink in for a second...

 

Starswillshine,

 

Oh my, that is heartbreaking to hear how things worked out for you. That is well said to characterize someone who cheats as being weak and not confident enough to do the right thing.