Chaparral Posted January 31, 2019 Share Posted January 31, 2019 Your ex is a drunk. He likes to party with out you. He never wanted to be with you that often. He cheated on you and dumped you. He cheated on you and he cheated with a married woman. Now he wants you around for booty calls. The best thing that ever happened to you is him breaking up with you. You dodged a bullet but you keep punishing yourself. Move on and start going out on your own. Your ex is a pathetic excuse for a man. The worst life you could lead would be with him. Link to post Share on other sites
nolanola Posted January 31, 2019 Share Posted January 31, 2019 I have a bad feeling you're going to hang on to this guy until he calls it off, because he's met someone else. Only when you're forced to let go because you have no other choice will this actually stop, I'm guessing. This. 100% this. And it will destroy your self esteem in the process. This is exactly what happened to me with my previous ex. And as much as it hurt (it hurt SO bad), it was the best thing that could have happened to me. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hope4thefuture Posted January 31, 2019 Author Share Posted January 31, 2019 Last summer when my ex and I broke up I started working out. I thought this would help me get my mind off him. Plus working out would make me healthy. Win-win! However as the days were moving forward, I still felt stuck. I stopped working out. I had so many excuses to stop. I’m tired, I’m sore, I don’t feel like it. The way I have been about my ex has been similar. I try going NC only to slip back into contacting him. Then I go back to ignoring. Then he reaches out and calls me. I make excuses to myself about reaching out. Just this one time, tomorrow I won’t do that again, or maybe this time we will get back together. The same excuses that is happening with my workouts. So after the new year I was determined to stick with working out. I have gone to the gym 12 times in the last 2 and a half weeks. I joined a fitness challenge to help keep me accountable and motivated. Today I completed my first challenge which included doing about 150 pushups, burpees, squats, weights, and lunges. I was so proud of myself. It was tough and at times I thought I couldn’t make it through. But I kept at it. Not with the best form, but I did it! I didn’t give up. I didn’t quit. I had tears of joy in my eyes walking out of the gym. I was able to do it because I believed I could make it through. I want to learn from my experience this morning. I am going to ignore my ex again. I am going to keep telling myself not to quit. I’m going to take it one day at a time. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted January 31, 2019 Share Posted January 31, 2019 I am going to ignore my ex again. Based on your own experience, this doesn't work for you. It would be great if you consistently had the fortitude to ignore him, but you know that you don't. Not at this time. And that's understandable, given how much of your self-worth you have attached to him and your position in his life. As such, unless and until you reach the point of being ready to block and delete his number (and keep it that way), you are going to keep riding this merry-go-round. Ignoring his calls and messages is simply an insufficient strategy here. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
nolanola Posted January 31, 2019 Share Posted January 31, 2019 I didn’t give up. I didn’t quit. I had tears of joy in my eyes walking out of the gym. I was able to do it because I believed I could make it through. I want to learn from my experience this morning. I am going to ignore my ex again. I am going to keep telling myself not to quit. I’m going to take it one day at a time. You can do this! You can!! The worst thing is that your ex seems to keep at it, like by showing up at your house. So it's not going to be easy. But I'm in your corner. When I log into LS, I always check this page to see if you've updated. Know that you have someone that doesn't even know you pulling for you. I know how hard it is. I was in a co-dependent relationship with a guy that was awful. It took me so long to get over him and there were times I never thought I would. I thought I would be hung up on him forever. I had to make major changes in my life to break away. I quit my job! But today I'm SO much happier without him in my life, screwing it up and making me feel awful. Take some screenshots of your posts from the last few pages, about how awful you feel. When he texts you, look at all those and remember how bad you felt. Don't let yourself go back there. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hope4thefuture Posted February 2, 2019 Author Share Posted February 2, 2019 You can do this! You can!! The worst thing is that your ex seems to keep at it, like by showing up at your house. So it's not going to be easy. But I'm in your corner. When I log into LS, I always check this page to see if you've updated. Know that you have someone that doesn't even know you pulling for you. I know how hard it is. I was in a co-dependent relationship with a guy that was awful. It took me so long to get over him and there were times I never thought I would. I thought I would be hung up on him forever. I had to make major changes in my life to break away. I quit my job! But today I'm SO much happier without him in my life, screwing it up and making me feel awful. Take some screenshots of your posts from the last few pages, about how awful you feel. When he texts you, look at all those and remember how bad you felt. Don't let yourself go back there. It makes me feel good to know that you are in my corner and are rooting for me. I have the best intentions and then I slide backwards. We haven’t contacted each other in the last 2 days. When I am at work it seems easier because I am busy. The weekends are hardest. He is in my thoughts more often. I try to distract myself, but I must admit it is much harder on the weekends. Link to post Share on other sites
BC1980 Posted February 3, 2019 Share Posted February 3, 2019 It makes me feel good to know that you are in my corner and are rooting for me. I have the best intentions and then I slide backwards. We haven’t contacted each other in the last 2 days. When I am at work it seems easier because I am busy. The weekends are hardest. He is in my thoughts more often. I try to distract myself, but I must admit it is much harder on the weekends. Good intentions can only take you so far. You have to take steps to block him from contacting you. It's not good enough to just say that you'll ignore him if he texts you. You've shown several times that you haven't been able to ignore him every time, which is understandable. You're still keeping the door open if you don't block him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
nolanola Posted February 3, 2019 Share Posted February 3, 2019 It makes me feel good to know that you are in my corner and are rooting for me. I have the best intentions and then I slide backwards. We haven’t contacted each other in the last 2 days. When I am at work it seems easier because I am busy. The weekends are hardest. He is in my thoughts more often. I try to distract myself, but I must admit it is much harder on the weekends. 2 days is great!! Keep it going!! I saw something the other day that might help you. It's so cheesy, but it might help. Get a paper calendar (or print one) and some of those foil gold stars. Every day you don't contact him, put a gold star on that day. You can also put just a big "x" on the day too if you think the gold stars will look weird. There's something satisfying about making a pact with yourself that you won't break and then actually doing it. I totally understand about weekends and not having distractions. I am struggling a lot this weekend. Not that I want to contact him, because I know I won't. But that I sit and obsess about things. Think about him and his new girlfriend and various things about their relationship. Compare her to me and all that. I'm over 3 months NC and this sucks. I don't want to have these thoughts, but they are difficult to stop when there's not something else in my face distracting me. I know how hard it is to make it through the days at first. You want them to contact you and sit there waiting to see if he will. Or you want to contact him. I think the urge to contact him will get less and less the longer you go. But the thoughts about him contacting you will probably last for a long time. I still wake up every morning halfway hoping for an email from my ex. Try to just make it through today. That's what I'm trying to do as well. Trying not to think about forever or even tomorrow too much. It feels very overwhelming to me right now to say "I will never talk to this person again". But I can tell myself "I won't talk to this person today" and that doesn't seem so terrible. Post here any time you want to contact him or you can PM me too. I will be more than happy to talk you out of it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hope4thefuture Posted March 12, 2019 Author Share Posted March 12, 2019 I should have listened to all this advice. I didn’t want to follow it because I was giving myself false hope. I wanted to believe so badly that we could get back together. I made a lot of mistakes, mostly staying in contact. Such a bad idea. He is dating someone and has been since the end of summer. I am such a FOOL! Why did I do this to myself? Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted March 12, 2019 Share Posted March 12, 2019 I should have listened to all this advice. I didn’t want to follow it because I was giving myself false hope. I wanted to believe so badly that we could get back together. I made a lot of mistakes, mostly staying in contact. Such a bad idea. He is dating someone and has been since the end of summer. I am such a FOOL! Why did I do this to myself? Well hopefully now you will go completely no contact with him. He’s no prize.. you deserve way better! Link to post Share on other sites
assertives Posted March 12, 2019 Share Posted March 12, 2019 Until you start being brutally honest with yourself, and decide that you really want to move on and heal from this heartbreak for yourself, you are not likely to be able to move forward. "Ignoring" his texts and calls isn't going to work because you never really wanted to move on. This is going to continue until he finally gets sick of you and cuts it off. It's kind of the same with wanting to lose weight, it's all about how badly do you want to/need to lose weight. If you don't want it badly enough, you will find it extremely hard when the going gets tough. If you want badly enough to move on from your ex, you will make the necessary changes however drastic. Change a job, phone no., move apartments, towns, block him, etc. Take one step at a time but stick to it. Everytime you feel like contacting him, remind yourself how lousy you felt or how he made you feel. Also consider going to counselling if you haven't already. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted March 12, 2019 Share Posted March 12, 2019 "Ignoring" his texts and calls isn't going to work because you never really wanted to move on. This is going to continue until he finally gets sick of you and cuts it off. Yes, I agree with this. I said the same thing several weeks back. OP, perhaps you needed to learn the hard way that this man is not into you anymore for the right reasons. It doesn't appear you otherwise have the inner fortitude to cut him off until you know he is just coming to you for attention and sex - and even then, I fear you will justify it to yourself somehow and continue. Please, stop tormenting yourself. You are going to be left totally in the dust when he finally decides he wants to really commit to another woman who isn't you. Link to post Share on other sites
BC1980 Posted March 12, 2019 Share Posted March 12, 2019 Experience is a great teacher, but you now have to make the choice to cut him off. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hope4thefuture Posted March 12, 2019 Author Share Posted March 12, 2019 It took me this long to accept it, but I know it is over. It hurts that I let him use me. I let him treat me like his plan B. I am so upset with myself for devaluing myself so much. It sucks feeling this way because now I have to rebuild my self esteem. And I did this to myself. Link to post Share on other sites
BC1980 Posted March 13, 2019 Share Posted March 13, 2019 What steps have you taken to ensure he doesn't contact you? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hope4thefuture Posted March 13, 2019 Author Share Posted March 13, 2019 I finally removed him from social media this past week so one step in the right direction. I won’t know what is going on I’m his life so I am hoping that will help me stop thinking about him as much. Link to post Share on other sites
assertives Posted March 13, 2019 Share Posted March 13, 2019 I finally removed him from social media this past week so one step in the right direction. I won’t know what is going on I’m his life so I am hoping that will help me stop thinking about him as much. Try distracting yourself with new hobbies and activites. Or plan a solo trip to somewhere you've always wanted to see. Make new friends, volunteer at a hospital, old folks home or an animal shelter. These activities will not only enrich you but also broaden your horizons as you keep yourself busy and from thinking of him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hope4thefuture Posted March 13, 2019 Author Share Posted March 13, 2019 Yes keeping busy does help me. I am going to Florida in April to visit friends so I am hoping that will help. I exercise 3-4 times a week which also makes me feel good. I have 3 nights planned with friends in the next two weeks. I have my boys this weekend which keeps me busy. I don’t think about him at work. The most difficult times for me are when I first wake up, some weekends when I don’t have plans (especially when I don’t have my kids), but the nights are the worst. Link to post Share on other sites
Minneloa Posted March 13, 2019 Share Posted March 13, 2019 I thought you already knew he was seeing someone else. What has changed? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hope4thefuture Posted March 13, 2019 Author Share Posted March 13, 2019 He kept telling me he was confused and wasn’t sure what he wanted. He would run hot and cold. He would say he still loved me and he wasn’t sure if he made the right decision. I believed him. Link to post Share on other sites
Minneloa Posted March 13, 2019 Share Posted March 13, 2019 Ok, but what changed recently to make you say it is over? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hope4thefuture Posted March 13, 2019 Author Share Posted March 13, 2019 He called me and asked me to drive him home from the bar. He drank too much. I picked him up because I didn’t want him to hurt himself or anyone else. On my way there I kept thinking this is what life would be like with him. Late calls from the bar. I didn’t like what I pictured. But since I still love him I am weak and slept with him. I know what you are thinking. Don’t worry I am judging myself worse than anyone else could possibly could. I felt so used and unimportant in that moment. I couldn’t keep doing that to myself. I also saw a post of his on FB because we were still friends at that time. The other girl was on there so I knew he was getting more serious with her. I just finally hit the low point and told myself I can’t keep doing this. My therapist wants me to go to an Al-Alon meeting to see if that will help me. Link to post Share on other sites
Minneloa Posted March 13, 2019 Share Posted March 13, 2019 Ok, so you hit a bottom of sorts. I know it hurts, but use those feelings as motivation to finally extricate yourself. Are you communicating with him? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hope4thefuture Posted March 13, 2019 Author Share Posted March 13, 2019 No communication since Sunday. Link to post Share on other sites
Minneloa Posted March 13, 2019 Share Posted March 13, 2019 That's a start. Are you willing to block him now? Link to post Share on other sites
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