Going NC, but my ex stops at my house

[Hope4thefuture]

Hope4thefuture, I 100% get what you are saying. I think it's a very common thought here. It's rare that someone is broken up with and just immediately accepts it and moves on with their life. Most of us have been hanging around for a while, hoping for a reconciliation. Instead of spending 6 months, just be glad you didn't spend 2 years like I did!! <snip>.

 

My therapist says the same thing about me. I judge myself all the time. I am hoping going to her with help me.

 

Did you block your ex? I haven’t. I am not sure why. Maybe because I felt it was too final. Maybe because I don’t want to hurt his feelings. This is probably the most absurd sentence I have ever written on here. The reason I ask is because is it possible to move forward without blocking? He did text me today telling me that he was thinking of me this morning. I didn’t respond. I know it doesn’t mean anything. It is just him playing games. But does only ignoring work?

Edited January 13, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[nolanola]

I did not block my ex (or my previous ex, actually, who was the WORST). I know a lot of people here are in favor of blocking, but I think you do what works for you. My therapist says she does not see actions as good or bad, but just asks if what you are doing is getting you the results you want. So if you don't block them but still can't move on, then you might have to block them. For me, I also felt like I wasn't ready at the time to block him. I deleted his number at first and then added it back under another name after a while. I wanted to know it was him if he got in touch because I didn't know his number by heart.

 

I struggle a lot with boundaries. Deleting him from my phone was such a revolutionary action for me and the thing about it was that he didn't even know!! Then when I ignored his nothing message a month later, it really messed me up. I still feel uncomfortable about it, even though it's been a while. That's the thing with boundaries. We worry more about how the other person will react to us than doing what is best for us. You do what is best for you and as long as you aren't cruel about it, how he responds is not your concern. If you feel like you need to block him to have comfort, then whether he gets mad or hurt is on him. I am talking big talk here, because it's still hard for me to implement.

 

I think that he senses you are pulling away and he doesn't like it. But, you know what? This is what he wanted. When you break up with someone, this is what happens. You don't get to be in their life anymore. He could be back together with you if he really wanted to. The way that would work is that he would call you and say "I want to get back together". Not this BS. I think you are doing the right thing in ignoring him. At some point you might have to be firm and tell him to leave you alone. Or you might have to block him.

Edited January 13, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[stillafool]

Not only should you go NC but also block him if you want to move on from him. It doesn't matter if his ex wife lives in your neighborhood and he drives by. You aren't just standing outside all the time so the chances of you seeing him drive by would be rare.

[BC1980]

If he is still texting you, you won't move forward. Every time you get a text, you will go right back down the rabbit hole of thinking about him.

[Hope4thefuture]

I am disappointed in myself, but I can’t seem to stop. My ex and I have slept together again. It’s kind of a FWB situation. I know he is seeing another girl. I can’t seem to let go, but a part of me doesn’t want to. I know I am being used. That is the worst part. Everyone tells me I deserve better but I can’t stop seeing him. I know I am getting hurt. I know this is damaging my self esteem. I am a mess.

[Hope4thefuture]

I keep wondering what I did wrong to make things go wrong with us? What did I do that made him stop loving me? Why didn’t I see any problems? Why was I so oblivious and not see anything? All these whys running through my mind are driving me crazy.

[ExpatInItaly]

Why have you not blocked his number, OP?

 

You are doing this to yourself at this point.

[BC1980]

I keep wondering what I did wrong to make things go wrong with us? What did I do that made him stop loving me? Why didn’t I see any problems? Why was I so oblivious and not see anything? All these whys running through my mind are driving me crazy.

 

Everyone wonders these things after a breakup. It's just part of the process. Do you ever talk about this with your therapist? Unless you decide to completely disengage with this guy, you'll be stuck. The only way to do it is to go cold turkey 100%. Make it your job not to have any contact with this guy. Set a small, realistic goal if it's too overwhelming. Try 90 days, and take one day at a time. Once you cut your ex out of your life, you can deal with all the emotions you are feeling.

 

What is triggering it this contact? Are you making contact, or is he?

[Hope4thefuture]

Why have you not blocked his number, OP?

 

You are doing this to yourself at this point.

 

 

I absolutely know I am doing this to myself. I wish I wasn’t. I wish I was stronger. I come on here and read through all the posts wishing I could do what the other posters can do. Hoping one day I will be strong enough. Hoping I will get the courage.

[Hope4thefuture]

Everyone wonders these things after a breakup. It's just part of the process. Do you ever talk about this with your therapist? Unless you decide to completely disengage with this guy, you'll be stuck. The only way to do it is to go cold turkey 100%. Make it your job not to have any contact with this guy. Set a small, realistic goal if it's too overwhelming. Try 90 days, and take one day at a time. Once you cut your ex out of your life, you can deal with all the emotions you are feeling.

 

What is triggering it this contact? Are you making contact, or is he?

 

 

We both start it at times. We will go a couple of weeks without contact. The longest we went was about 3 weeks. One time it will be, one time it will be me. I have to my therapist but it doesn’t seem to help. She cancels frequently and sometimes I only see my therapist once a month. When I went through my divorce I went every week. Maybe I should go more. I’m not sure that is the solution.

 

I think I am so afraid of going cold turkey. I know that is silly. I am anxious and uncomfortable when people are mad at me. I feel he would be upset with that. I don’t know why I care about his feelings, but I do. I hate confrontation and just like to get other with people. So know that he is upset with me makes me nervous.

[nolanola]

We both start it at times. We will go a couple of weeks without contact. The longest we went was about 3 weeks. One time it will be, one time it will be me. I have to my therapist but it doesn’t seem to help. She cancels frequently and sometimes I only see my therapist once a month. When I went through my divorce I went every week. Maybe I should go more. I’m not sure that is the solution.

 

I think I am so afraid of going cold turkey. I know that is silly. I am anxious and uncomfortable when people are mad at me. I feel he would be upset with that. I don’t know why I care about his feelings, but I do. I hate confrontation and just like to get other with people. So know that he is upset with me makes me nervous.

 

@Hope4thefuture, try to be kind to yourself. So many of us have been there. I have, several times with different people. I NEVER had a good outcome in this situation. All it led me to was more and more heartbreak. And it destroyed my self esteem. I would feel like absolute a** after we'd sleep together, he'd leave, and I wouldn't even know if he would call me again or when. I'd feel like a prostitute. And what woman wants to feel like a prostitute?

 

I'm 4 months out from getting my heart smashed by a guy that kept getting in touch with me too. Sometimes we'd sleep together and I would feel so great. And then I'd feel awful again. And then I got to find out that he's with someone new. Like I didn't mean anything at all. After almost 5 years. Please don't be me.

 

I have terrible boundaries too. It is terrifying to put your foot down and stand up for yourself. But you've already lost him and you're losing him more and more every time this happens. Because he's losing respect for you with every time. Please believe me on this. If I could go back, I would have cut off my situation with my ex like 2 years ago. I would be so much better by now. Instead of feeling devastated and foolish.

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, just imagine how much worse it will feel when he leaves you in the dust altogether (again) when his attention is given to another woman full-time.

 

It feels good in the moment for him to pay attention to you, but it's going to hurt like hell when he stops reaching out or starts turning down your invitation to bed because he's dating someone he wants a future with.

[Hope4thefuture]

I feel sick to my stomach. I am upset with myself for putting up with this. How can I keep going back to give him exactly what he wants? How can I treat myself like this? I am a smart woman who knows she deserves so much better. I can’t seem to let go. I don’t know if it because of fear, loneliness, or because I love him. I wish I could. Then maybe I wouldn’t be so sad.

[stillafool]

I keep wondering what I did wrong to make things go wrong with us? What did I do that made him stop loving me? Why didn’t I see any problems? Why was I so oblivious and not see anything? All these whys running through my mind are driving me crazy.

 

I imagine the answer to your questions are in the same box as the answer to why you continue to have sex with this man. You might look into therapy.

[Hope4thefuture]

I do go to therapy. It doesn’t look like it is working. Maybe I am just broken. I have been working out which is the one thing, besides my kids, that is making me happy. I want to feel better, but I feel lost in life right now.

[BC1980]

Are you willing to take the necessary steps to move on from him? I know you don't want to, which I understand, but are you willing? That's really the question that you have to answer.

[nolanola]

I do go to therapy. It doesn’t look like it is working. Maybe I am just broken. I have been working out which is the one thing, besides my kids, that is making me happy. I want to feel better, but I feel lost in life right now.

 

You're not broken. You're stuck in the mud right now. You're not going to get out of that easily.

 

The answer to what it takes to move on is that you have to go NC. YOU HAVE TO.

 

You have to stop worrying what this guy thinks about you. If you stop talking to him yes, he will be upset at first. Because right now he has easy access to you and to sex. You're going to take that away and he's not going to like it. But you have to love yourself more than you love him. Or the idea of him, because any guy that would treat you like this doesn't really love you. He probably cares about you but you are allowing yourself to be devalued in his eyes. So you've already been demoted from girlfriend to FWB. What's next? Piece on the side? Booty call? Occasional pastime when his other women don't work out?

 

I know it's hard. It is. Think of the alternative though. Are you going to wait until he meets someone else and drops you as his FWB? That will make you feel even lower.

 

I hate to see you in this spot, because I recognize myself. I know those feelings. It was so hard to get out of it for me. And it took a long time to reclaim my self esteem, but I did. And that was when I realized how much I had given up for some guy that was never worth it.

[Hope4thefuture]

I saw my therapist today. She told me I have to hit rock bottom before I will be willing to change anything. She also wants me to go to an AA meeting. I don’t drink that much. She wants me to go and listen to others. She thinks I am codependent on my ex and it may help. At this point I am willing to try different things to see if anything will help me.

[Hope4thefuture]

So my ex called me last night. I ignored his call. Then a minute later I get a text from him saying “Guess I’m chopped liver. Ignored me last night and no answer now. OK at least I know where I stand ? Don’t worry about calling back, just was going to say hi as I passed by.

 

I hate when he texts me things like this because it makes me feel guilty. I know I shouldn’t feel that way but I do. Then it makes me want to reach out so I can make him feel better. I know that sounds crazy. When I reread that sentence I think to myself “why should I care”. But I do.

[BC1980]

So my ex called me last night. I ignored his call. Then a minute later I get a text from him saying “Guess I’m chopped liver. Ignored me last night and no answer now. OK at least I know where I stand ? Don’t worry about calling back, just was going to say hi as I passed by.

 

I hate when he texts me things like this because it makes me feel guilty. I know I shouldn’t feel that way but I do. Then it makes me want to reach out so I can make him feel better. I know that sounds crazy. When I reread that sentence I think to myself “why should I care”. But I do.

 

At this point, you don't seem willing to take any steps to move on. You're never going to be ready or want to move on. You simply have to decide that you have some pride about you and do it. You won't just wake up one day and be ready. At this point, you're a FWB to a guy that dumped you and will never want to be with you. He's passing time with you until he finds someone he wants to commit to.

[Hope4thefuture]

I know it is all up to me. I am the only one who can get out of putting myself in this situation.

[Zahara]

So my ex called me last night. I ignored his call. Then a minute later I get a text from him saying “Guess I’m chopped liver. Ignored me last night and no answer now. OK at least I know where I stand Don’t worry about calling back, just was going to say hi as I passed by.

 

I hate when he texts me things like this because it makes me feel guilty. I know I shouldn’t feel that way but I do. Then it makes me want to reach out so I can make him feel better. I know that sounds crazy. When I reread that sentence I think to myself “why should I care”. But I do.

 

He’s so blatant in his manipulation. His attempt to guilt you certainly works. He is only looking out for himself. And he knows you’re weak for him so he plays you like a fiddle. It doesn’t help that he also realizes that you lack self-respect. A guy like him will use that to their advantage.

 

You feel guilty and you want to make him feel better. Best to love yourself and prioritize your own wellbeing. Your need to please even when it comes at the expense of your own downfall is co-dependency. You appease to receive validation.

 

Maybe when you realize your worth and embrace the reality of who he is, you’ll be ready to walk away.

Edited January 31, 2019 by Zahara

[nolanola]

Hope4thefuture, my heart breaks for you. I understand exactly what you're saying. Your ex is being very passive aggressive and that's the worst for someone with poor boundaries. I'm so proud of you for ignoring his call!! Even if you answered his text, you took a step to ignore the call the first time. Now we know what he'll do when you ignore him or refuse to give him what he wants. He's going to try to manipulate you by putting on the "poor me" schtick. You can deal with that.

 

I'm getting better very slowly, but the thing that I'm having the hardest time getting past is that I let my ex devalue me. I wanted him in my life so badly I would take him any way I could get. When he called or sent a text, I'd jump at it. When he wanted to see me, even on short notice, I'd jump because I was terrified that if I didn't I would never see him again. Now that it's over, I feel so ashamed that I valued myself so little that I did that. It's the thing I most wish I could take back. You're going to feel this too, but you have the chance to put your foot down and say no.

 

He is in control of his feelings, not you. This is a very codependent behavior, to let your emotions get so wrapped up in what he may or may not feel. His feelings are his business. As long as you're not an A-hole about it, if he doesn't like what you have to say, that's not your problem. My therapist told me that when you set a boundary, you should expect the other person to be upset, because now they're not getting what they want. As she said "Don't expect them to throw you a parade". But it's not about what he wants or if it hurts his feelings...what about your feelings? He's hurting you by doing this and he doesn't give a flying F. What does that tell you? Do you think he's sitting around worrying you'll be hurt if he doesn't call?

[ExpatInItaly]

I have a bad feeling you're going to hang on to this guy until he calls it off, because he's met someone else.

 

Only when you're forced to let go because you have no other choice will this actually stop, I'm guessing.

Edited January 31, 2019 by ExpatInItaly

[S2B]

I know it is all up to me. I am the only one who can get out of putting myself in this situation.

 

And you have every right to tell the ex to stop contacting you!

 

If it doesn’t stop file a restraining order.