Going NC, but my ex stops at my house

[stillafool]

It is an actual thing that some men will stick around exes and use them as FWBs. In fact access to potential sex is found to be the main reason men keep in contact with exes.

 

I guess this is what he did here. Your mind is all about getting back together and reconciliation and he fed into that by saying “you never know maybe we will get back together in the future” over and over again and all he is really thinking is "Sex".

 

 

If he really wanted you back then he would have kicked his gf into touch.. but he hasn't and he is hitting you up now for easy sex...

 

I can't second the above more. I've seen it time and time again where they will hold onto an ex who is giving them sex declaring the "you never know....." and women fall for it only to have them move on with another woman.

[ExpatInItaly]

Lots of time on my hands today and so my mind keeps playing things over and over. Many times my ex texted me to tell me that he only moved on because he heard I did. That if I hadn’t then maybe we would be together. He was also texting the girl he is dating now before we officially broke up. He said it was nothing and she wasn’t the reason. I am not saying she is, but it pisses me off that he blamed me moving forward. He made me believe that we might have worked had I not been the one to start dating. I am so mad that he made me doubt myself.

 

This guy is full of malarkey and you know it, OP.

 

He had plenty of time to figure out if he wanted to continue WHILE he was still with you but he wanted “space.” What does he want now? Sex. A back-up plan in case things with his new girlfriend don’t work out.

 

He doesn’t value you. I don’t get why you even allow him to conintie contacting you. It’s far past time to block him and start working on your own boundaries.

[BC1980]

Over the past month my ex would reach out to me through text and phone calls. He gave me a card for my birthday and called me for my birthday. He would flirt on the phone and even wanted to have phone sex. He would call me after work to see how I was and would even offer to drive me home after my work holiday party.

 

Was he just being friendly and I misread all these messages? Was this my fault that my feelings grew stronger again and he never misled me at all?

 

This is really common behavior after a breakup.. I think people do this for any number of reasons. I think it could be boredom, habit, access to sex, an ego hit, keeping you on the back burner, or they could just miss talking to someone. It's more important to understand what the contact does not mean. And his contact does not mean that he wants to get back together with you. It's just really hard to admit to ourselves that someone may not want us. We'll stay in all kinds of denial to avoid admitting that.

 

You definitely need to stop talking to him. It's past that time. I understand it is hard to just cut someone off in the beginning, and I don't really think that's reslistic to expect of anyone. But at some point, do you have to cut the person off. You have to move on, and keeping someone in your life doesn't allow you to register the loss. Keeping him around doesn't allow you the time that you need to process the break up as a loss. As difficult as it is, you need to feel the hurt and all the other negative emotions that go along with the loss, so you can come out on the other side.

[BC1980]

Lots of time on my hands today and so my mind keeps playing things over and over. Many times my ex texted me to tell me that he only moved on because he heard I did. That if I hadn’t then maybe we would be together. He was also texting the girl he is dating now before we officially broke up. He said it was nothing and she wasn’t the reason. I am not saying she is, but it pisses me off that he blamed me moving forward. He made me believe that we might have worked had I not been the one to start dating. I am so mad that he made me doubt myself.

 

He had three years to decide what he wanted. Now, all of a sudden, you could've been together if only you hadn't dated another guy for two months. Give me a freaking break.

Edited December 24, 2018 by BC1980

[Hope4thefuture]

I know he was just using me for sex, but I didn’t want to believe that. However after really thinking things through I know that is all it was about. That still hurts though.

 

I am trying to tell myself that he moved on before me. It wasn’t my fault that we didn’t get back together. He was done before the break. Otherwise he would never have wanted one in the first place.

 

I want to scream at him and tell him that he put this whole thing in motion. I stop myself because that isn’t going to do any good. And I am almost on 2 days of NC and I want to keep that going.

 

I am just so mad at him.

[nolanola]

It's ok to be mad and hurt. These are very reasonable and understandable emotions after a breakup. Especially when you feel used and rejected. Use that if you need to. You're at 2 days NC and still really raw. Trust that it will get better. The first few days after you cut ties are the worst. It's all you can think about. Just let that be. Don't fight it. feel what you need to and deal with it as you need to.

 

I promise it will get better. Strengthen your resolve, because when he contacts you again (and he will, trust me) you need to ignore him and keep moving. Blocking is certainly an option (and you should definitely do that on social media if you feel like you can't stop yourself from looking at his page or feed). I personally haven't blocked my ex because it was actually a good exercise for me to be able to ignore his message. I am not good with boundaries and I think this has been helpful (along with working with a therapist). I would get rid of anything that reminds you of him (pictures, his clothes, toiletries, whatever) -- you don't have to throw them out, but put them in a box and put them where you can't easily see them (a friend's house, the attic, etc).

 

Come post here when you feel the urge to contact him and someone will remind you that he didn't treat you well and you are accepting less than what you deserve.

[BC1980]

I know he was just using me for sex, but I didn’t want to believe that. However after really thinking things through I know that is all it was about. That still hurts though.

 

I am trying to tell myself that he moved on before me. It wasn’t my fault that we didn’t get back together. He was done before the break. Otherwise he would never have wanted one in the first place.

 

I want to scream at him and tell him that he put this whole thing in motion. I stop myself because that isn’t going to do any good. And I am almost on 2 days of NC and I want to keep that going.

 

I am just so mad at him.

 

It would only make you feel better for a short time if you called him up and told him off. After a few days, you'd go back to missing him and probably feel embarrassed. It's hard to accept, but your ex is not going to agree with your version of the breakup. What's that old saying? There's his version, her version, and the truth. We tend to believe the narrative that causes us the least pain or makes us feel better about our motives. We minimize our culpability and project our emotions onto other people. It can be so hard to see the truth when you love someone and are hurting.

 

You can say all day long that he was only using you for sex, and you can know that to be logically true. But your heart will never believe it. That's why it's so important to disconnect from someone after a break up. You can't think logically as it is, and having them in your life only makes it worse.

[Hope4thefuture]

Today is difficult with it being Christmas and all. We spent the last 4 Christmases as a couple. We might not have been in the same place at Christmas, but we would call each other and spend time together when we had the chance. It is strange not to have to buy presents for him.

 

Ok now that the negative is out, I want to focus on the positive. I have my boys with me this year so I was not by myself this morning. We are going to see my parents soon. Later on this afternoon I will see more family for Christmas dinner. I am trying to focus on the good things. And today will be day 3 NC so I keep putting one foot in front of the other. Even if they are baby steps I am moving in the right direction.

[Hope4thefuture]

Trying to fall asleep and I miss him. Part of me wishes he would miss me too.

 

I made it through today.

[stillafool]

I know he was just using me for sex, but I didn’t want to believe that. However after really thinking things through I know that is all it was about. That still hurts though.

 

I am trying to tell myself that he moved on before me. It wasn’t my fault that we didn’t get back together. He was done before the break. Otherwise he would never have wanted one in the first place.

 

I want to scream at him and tell him that he put this whole thing in motion. I stop myself because that isn’t going to do any good. And I am almost on 2 days of NC and I want to keep that going.

 

I am just so mad at him.

 

When did you actually break up? How long has he been with his new gf? What I know is true is actions. No matter who, what or why you two broke up if he wanted you back he would have broken up with her and begged you back. You two would be back together if that is what he wanted but he doesn't. Anything less than that is just him blowing smoke. He's where he wants to be.

[nolanola]

I hope you got some sleep. You made it another day. That is great!! I promise it gets better, but I had kind of rough day yesterday too and we haven't spoken for almost 8 weeks. It's really hard to let go of a person and also of the idea of the person and the relationship. For me, I still want to hear from my ex even though I know it wouldn't change anything and it would not likely be anything significant (saying Merry Christmas to someone is not the same as saying I want you back). For me, even though I'm disappointed that he did not reach out, I take some comfort in thinking that I didn't give him the satisfaction of knowing what I'm doing for Christmas. He might not even think about me at all, but he doesn't know that I hurt and wish for him. For all he knows, I've already forgotten about him.

The pain does seem to soften a bit as the weeks go by, a tiny bit. It doesn't sting as bad as it did in the first few days or weeks. Just having Christmas out of the way might help -- New Year's is coming up and that is always one of my favorite things. To think about my goals for next year and where I want to be.

[Hope4thefuture]

When did you actually break up? How long has he been with his new gf? What I know is true is actions. No matter who, what or why you two broke up if he wanted you back he would have broken up with her and begged you back. You two would be back together if that is what he wanted but he doesn't. Anything less than that is just him blowing smoke. He's where he wants to be.

 

He started the break in July. When we talked a couple of weeks later he still didn’t know if he wanted to work things out. I gave him more time, but by the end of August I said I couldn’t wait any more. I told him that it seems like he wants to date and not be in a relationship so we broke up.

 

I don’t know exactly when they started dating but he did tell me he was texting her at the beginning of August. He says he didn’t move forward with her until we broke up, but I don’t really know if that is true.

 

What I do know is that instead of telling me that he was texting someone else, he began to move on from us. He started to get at least emotionally involved with this girl. He is still dating her but she is still married and going through a divorce. So he said he doesn’t see her often, which is probably what he likes about her.

 

When we were dating we only saw each other once a week until I had to push to see each other more. By a year and a half we finally got to 2-3 days because of me. So he likes this situation because he can go out and party with his friends on most days and then only see her when they can.

 

What makes me mad is that I couldn’t get weekends with him because of our schedules wit our kids, but I know they have seen each other on weekends. I always had to push in this relationship to see him, but it seems he makes it easier for them to see each other. That is something that hurts me. It makes me feel like I wasn’t important enough for him to want to spend time with.

[Hope4thefuture]

I hope you got some sleep. You made it another day. That is great!! I promise it gets better, but I had kind of rough day yesterday too and we haven't spoken for almost 8 weeks. It's really hard to let go of a person and also of the idea of the person and the relationship. For me, I still want to hear from my ex even though I know it wouldn't change anything and it would not likely be anything significant (saying Merry Christmas to someone is not the same as saying I want you back). For me, even though I'm disappointed that he did not reach out, I take some comfort in thinking that I didn't give him the satisfaction of knowing what I'm doing for Christmas. He might not even think about me at all, but he doesn't know that I hurt and wish for him. For all he knows, I've already forgotten about him.

The pain does seem to soften a bit as the weeks go by, a tiny bit. It doesn't sting as bad as it did in the first few days or weeks. Just having Christmas out of the way might help -- New Year's is coming up and that is always one of my favorite things. To think about my goals for next year and where I want to be.

 

 

I am sorry it was a tough day for you too. It helps knowing that I am not in this alone and that it will get a little easier. I have to admit I was checking my phone a lot more yesterday to see if I would get a Merry Christmas text, but I didn’t. I know that would not have meant anything, but then at least I would have crossed his mind even for a brief second. Right now it is like I never even existed, like I was nothing to him.

[nolanola]

I am sorry it was a tough day for you too. It helps knowing that I am not in this alone and that it will get a little easier. I have to admit I was checking my phone a lot more yesterday to see if I would get a Merry Christmas text, but I didn’t. I know that would not have meant anything, but then at least I would have crossed his mind even for a brief second. Right now it is like I never even existed, like I was nothing to him.

 

I just want you to know that I have had this exact same thought, in the past hour. How likely is it that it's true? Probably not, but it feels that way.

 

It's hard when we hurt. I know my mind can go to the worst place and sit there. One thing that I have tried that has been helpful has been to counter my thoughts. So when I have a negative and destructive thought, I write it down and then try to counter it with a positive thought. So for example, if I think, "He never loved me" another way to look at it would be "He did things that showed he cared about me, but couldn't be what I needed him to be". It makes it feel a little less personal. I read that in a book called "Feeling good" that I found helpful.

[Hope4thefuture]

I just want you to know that I have had this exact same thought, in the past hour. How likely is it that it's true? Probably not, but it feels that way.

 

It's hard when we hurt. I know my mind can go to the worst place and sit there. One thing that I have tried that has been helpful has been to counter my thoughts. So when I have a negative and destructive thought, I write it down and then try to counter it with a positive thought. So for example, if I think, "He never loved me" another way to look at it would be "He did things that showed he cared about me, but couldn't be what I needed him to be". It makes it feel a little less personal. I read that in a book called "Feeling good" that I found helpful.

 

 

 

I will try your suggestion. Right now most of my thoughts are so negative. Some about him and some about myself.

 

My divorce ended suddenly and with the possibility that he cheated. I never found out for sure but there was a little bit of evidence. Now this relationship with my ex BF ended, and he started dating quickly, and texting her before we officially broke up. It makes me think I have failed in some way. I drove both of these people into other women’s arms.

 

I am really trying hard to not be so hard on myself. I come to these forums, reach out to friends, read up on being more confident and feeling worthy to be loved and know I am enough. But I am overwhelmed with everything. I want to feel better but I don’t. I know the steps I should take, but I don’t even know where to begin. I see a therapist so I hope that will help. But in the mean time, I want to move on. I just don’t know where to start.

[BC1980]

I will try your suggestion. Right now most of my thoughts are so negative. Some about him and some about myself.

 

My divorce ended suddenly and with the possibility that he cheated. I never found out for sure but there was a little bit of evidence. Now this relationship with my ex BF ended, and he started dating quickly, and texting her before we officially broke up. It makes me think I have failed in some way. I drove both of these people into other women’s arms.

 

I am really trying hard to not be so hard on myself. I come to these forums, reach out to friends, read up on being more confident and feeling worthy to be loved and know I am enough. But I am overwhelmed with everything. I want to feel better but I don’t. I know the steps I should take, but I don’t even know where to begin. I see a therapist so I hope that will help. But in the mean time, I want to move on. I just don’t know where to start.

 

You start by implementating NC, which you have done. You take it one day at a time. NC is one of the most important things you can do because it forces you into acceptance and forces you to be alone with your feelings of loss. That's step one. To make that commitment.

 

After that, keep a schedule everyday, and set long and short term goals. Doing these things orders your life and gives you purpose. Work with your therapist to set some personal goals for the next 90 days. It can be anything. Not talking to him for 90 days, exercising 1 hour 5 days a week, meditating or praying everyday for 30 minutes, finishing a book, finishing an project around your house, ect. Something attainable that is tailored to your interests. When I went through a rough breakup, I used to make myself get up every single morning that I didn't have to work and go to the gym. That one thing helped me more than anything. Keeping a schedule and setting goals or two of the most important things you can do.

Edited December 26, 2018 by BC1980

[Hope4thefuture]

You start by implementating NC, which you have done. You take it one day at a time. NC is one of the most important things you can do because it forces you into acceptance and forces you to be alone with your feelings of loss. That's step one. To make that commitment.

 

After that, keep a schedule everyday, and set long and short term goals. Doing these things orders your life and gives you purpose. Work with your therapist to set some personal goals for the next 90 days. It can be anything. Not talking to him for 90 days, exercising 1 hour 5 days a week, meditating or praying everyday for 30 minutes, finishing a book, finishing an project around your house, ect. Something attainable that is tailored to your interests. When I went through a rough breakup, I used to make myself get up every single morning that I didn't have to work and go to the gym. That one thing helped me more than anything. Keeping a schedule and setting goals or two of the most important things you can do.

 

 

I am determined to stick with NC this time. Today will be day 4. Last time I made it about a week or so before I reached out. Then we texted every once in a while until he found out I was seeing someone. After that we stopped communication for about 3-4 weeks. Then I texted first again. He called after that.

 

So this time I want to stick with it. No contact, no texting, nothing.

 

Once I get that under control I will try your other steps. I really appreciate all the support I can get.

[Hope4thefuture]

I think what makes me upset with myself is I reached out first last time. I broke the contact first over the summer. I caved. I don’t want to repeat the same mistakes twice.

[BC1980]

I think what makes me upset with myself is I reached out first last time. I broke the contact first over the summer. I caved. I don’t want to repeat the same mistakes twice.

 

I understand. You can't change the past though. Are you can do is move forward. You aren't the first and won't be the last person to break NC. It might be a good idea to make a list of reasons why it's a bad idea to contact him, and you can go over those reasons every time you feel tempted.

[nolanola]

I completely understand where you are coming from. I don't have a great track record with relationships either. The one before this one was very toxic, but I couldn't leave it and he wound up dumping me (I am ashamed to say multiple times, because I would take him back) for another woman. I think one thing that is common to both situations is that I let situations go on that shouldn't and I didn't stand up for myself and take steps to protect myself. In both cases, the men were not ready to be all in with me. For different reasons, but that was the heart of it. Instead of seeing that for what it was and walking away, I clung on tighter. I suspect this is why I wound up where I am now, which is hurting from a man that found someone else while I tried to hang on to him.

 

But I do understand where you are coming from. A lot of my thoughts are negative too, although they are interspersed with more positive thoughts as well. I do want to feel better and to stop talking about it, but it feels hard. Sometimes I think that I don't really want to be better, that I am comfortable in this depressed place. But then I think that I don't want to waste years of my life being sad and feeling awful. It is so hard. I wish I could make you feel better and myself too.

 

@BC1980, I like your suggestion about goals. I'm trying not to think too far ahead, but maybe if I look ahead in a positive way it won't feel so hard. When I think about the future without him in it, it feels overwhelming sometimes. I sit and wonder if we will ever see each other again and if he cares.

[Hope4thefuture]

I will try the goals suggestion. I have made goals for the New Years when I got divorced. That did help but I gave myself one year to complete them. I do like having short term goals though. It will make me focus on everyday instead of a whole year.

[Hope4thefuture]

I have a couple of shirts that belong to my ex. I know he is out of town until the 31st. I know going to his house is going to bring back memories, but to be honest so are the shirts. I was going to leave them in his mailbox so I won’t have to see him.

 

The hardest thing is that his daughter and my son are in the same 5th grade class so I usually see him at school functions. Plus he lives in the neighborhood across the street from me. So on my way to work I can always see his house because it backs up to the main road. I have been making myself not look at his house as I pass. It just brings up lots of memories. This morning I looked that way and saw it. I get upset with myself that I was doing well but need to start over again.

[nolanola]

You need to start over because you looked at his house? That's something you can't help, unless there is another way to get to your house without passing his. Look at it this way, he has no idea how you feel about this and about seeing his house. So to him, you're still radio silent about everything and moving on. But I know that stomach lurch when you see something that is a connection to your ex, even if it's not your ex himself. Last night, I received a group email that included my ex about a mission trip we go on together every year (this is where we met in 2013). Even though it was to the whole group, it made my stomach leap to see his name on the cc list.

Don't be upset with yourself. Look at the victories that you've had!! You have not contacted him and that is huge. You made it through Christmas and that is huge.

Could you mail him the shirts? Or ask a friend to leave them in the mailbox? I know I would be so anxious to be leaving something in his mailbox, worrying he would come outside or pull up in his driveway right at that moment.

[Hope4thefuture]

I was thinking of putting his stuff in the mailbox before he comes home from his trip. That way I don’t risk any chance of me seeing him.

 

Yesterday his sister in law called me. We are still friends. She was asking how I was doing. She saw him yesterday and asked him about me. He told her that I am angry at him. It funny I thought talking to her about him would make me upset. When she was telling me that he was drunk, which was fairly often when we dated, it reminded me of what I wasn’t missing out on with him. Even though I know I will be better off, I still am sad. I am trying to focus on the positive. Today is going on day 5 of NC. I am proud of myself for that small accomplishment. I have checked up on any social media. So I will take those two things as wins today.

[BC1980]

You should unfriend him on social media. I'd also get rid of his phone number and block him if you think he'll contact you. You're setting yourself up for failure by keeping avenues open. You can't remove him completely because he lives near you, and his daughter goes to school with your son. But you should control what you can to minimize any interactions or things that make you think of him. I'd put the shirts in the mailbox. It's been 6 months. It's time to accept this is over and start the moving on process.