Going NC, but my ex stops at my house

[PRW]

My ex and I broke up at the end of the summer. We cut off communication for a week or two. Then he texted me on and off for a couple of months. Now he is texting me everyday almost. Nothing about getting back together. He just wants to be friends, but some of his texts are flirty. Why is he doing this if he is dating someone? To keep me as a backup? To stroke his ego? To actually be friends? To hookup? Just wanted others thoughts.

 

Was he a Beta Male that had to have you make all the decisions,...or get your approval for all of his decisions? Beta Males are also manipulative. You don't really know what his dating situation is apart what whatever he tells you (which could be a lie).

 

There is no way we could know what his motivations are,...we should ask you,...you know him,...we don't. He could be trying to manipulate you into getting back together because he doesn't have the guts to try it directly,...but that is total blind speculation.

[Hope4thefuture]

He isn’t a Beta Male. He would and did make many decisions. I am not sure what he wants. I really don’t think it is me anymore. He texts me about future partners I could have. However he will flirt with me at times too. I do know that he has slept with the girl he is dating. So I do think he is interested in her and wants to continue dating her. I just don’t understand why he keeps texting me if we broke up.

[Minneloa]

You mentioned in a previous thread that you have slept with him twice recently. I imagine he wants to keep open the possibility of more sexual encounters with you.

[Hope4thefuture]

True we did. However we discussed it and said we wouldn’t see each other anymore. We thought distancing ourselves was a good idea. Nothing has happened since then. I figured he wants to focus on the other girl he is dating. I am trying to respect that. So why isn’t he?

[Minneloa]

Look at his actions, not his words. Does he seem to be respecting and focusing on his new gf? More importantly, what do you want?

[Hope4thefuture]

To be honest I don’t know what I want. I want to move on and be over him. But a part of me wants him back. I am respecting his wishes so he can pursue this girl since that is what he says he wants to do.

[Wallysbears]

To be honest I don’t know what I want. I want to move on and be over him. But a part of me wants him back. I am respecting his wishes so he can pursue this girl since that is what he says he wants to do.

 

Stop texting him.

 

In fact, delete his number.

 

And get a bit more respect for yourself... you don't go waiting around on some guy to see what HE wants to do or how it might/might not work out with some other woman. You need to have more confidence and respect in yourself than that.

[ExpatInItaly]

My ex and I broke up at the end of the summer. We cut off communication for a week or two. Then he texted me on and off for a couple of months. Now he is texting me everyday almost. Nothing about getting back together. He just wants to be friends, but some of his texts are flirty. Why is he doing this if he is dating someone? To keep me as a backup? To stroke his ego? To actually be friends? To hookup? Just wanted others thoughts.

 

Yes, to all of the bolded.

 

This was the same man that kept you in limbo while he tried to decide if he wanted to continue the relationship. Now, he's evidently weaseled his way back and knows you are still into him and it's convenient for him.

 

Don't keep doing this to yourself. Let him go. He isn't sniffing around for the right reasons.

[stillafool]

Who knows what he wants. What you do know that in all of his communication he is not asking you to be his gf which is what you want. You know that he is with another woman and hasn't left her. So for your own sake, block him and move on.

[Hope4thefuture]

My ex and I broke up in the summer after 3 and a half years together. I believe we weren’t connecting and I could feel him pulling away. We were very different from each other. He was very outgoing, and he would tell me I was very quiet. I don’t know if that contributed to his unhappiness.

 

I did find out after we broke up that he met a girl at a bar while we were still dating. My ex is a big drinker. He would go to the bar 4-5 times a week. I always trusted him because he said going there to hang out with his buddies or just wanted to decompress from the day. He told me he met her the summer before we broke up, but nothing happened between them at that point.

 

This summer he was at the bar one night and he said I was smothering him. This came out of nowhere. He never mentioned that he was ever feeling that way before. That is when I began to feel him pulling away from me. We continued dating after that for about a month. Then I told him that we needed to talk. That is when he suggested the break.

 

I was so upset and sad for about a week, and then went on a vacation with my family which helped clear my mind. When I got back he still wasn’t sure about us so I told him I needed to move on. At this point I didn’t know about the girl.

 

I started dating someone for about 2 months but realized it was too soon and I wasn’t over my ex. I still had feelings for him.

 

My ex and I didn’t talk for about a month and then recently he started contacting me again. Unfortunately I was weak and slept with him. He has been calling and texting me for the past month almost everyday. During this time he told me about the girl he is dating, which is the same one that he started seeing after we broke up. He hasn’t said he wants to get back together. I know he is still seeing her, but I got sucked back in again. I was hoping we were reconnecting. He kept saying “you never know maybe we will get back together in the future”.

 

I am mad at myself for falling for him again. He obviously isn’t going to stop seeing her. I thought I was getting to a place where I was getting better and moving forward. Now I feel like I am back to square one and I have to start all over again.

[ExpatInItaly]

You desperately need to block this man, OP. You will never move on if you continue to entertain him like this.

[Hope4thefuture]

Here is my last text to him.

 

I am going to speak my mind because I think it is important and I didn’t do that enough in our relationship because I was afraid.

 

I know you are conflicted. I know you aren’t sure of what you want for your future or who you want. And that’s ok for you. It’s not ok for me anymore. I deserve someone who knows they want me. I deserve someone who loves me for me. I deserve to be loved. I was always hoping it was you. You know where to find me if it is me.

 

Maybe it was a mistake to send it, but I need to move forward.

[nolanola]

I don't disagree with sending a text to say you are going NC, but that last sentence is BS. You are basically saying "I'm sitting here waiting if you want to be with me". He doesn't deserve that validation.

 

I know how hard it is to cut someone off when you want them back. Be honest with yourself. Don't you think this message you are sending to him is a way to try to get him to say "Don't go! Let's back together!"? If you want to give him a warning, then say something like "The current situation between us isn't working for me. I need some space and would like to be no contact while I move on with my life".

 

The other option is to just go NC, full stop. Don't reply to his messages. You don't owe this guy an explanation. I can tell you 100% that as long as you keep the door open, he will be more than happy to keep walking through it and preventing you from healing and moving on.

[Hope4thefuture]

I wasn’t sure about the last line either. I thought it might give him too much power. Since I already sent it, it’s too late. But my goal is no contact moving on. I hope I can stick to it. I may have to come on here a lot to get some support.

[Giraffe-A]

Seems like the only careless thing you did was sleep with a new guy without using protection. What STD are we talking about? It was even more careless to sleep with your ex knowing this!

Unless your ex comes back and specifically tells you that he dropped the other girl because he misses you and wants to come back to you, it’s time to let him go. Go get tested and get that out of the way. Next time, use protection.

[Hope4thefuture]

Seems like the only careless thing you did was sleep with a new guy without using protection. What STD are we talking about? It was even more careless to sleep with your ex knowing this!

Unless your ex comes back and specifically tells you that he dropped the other girl because he misses you and wants to come back to you, it’s time to let him go. Go get tested and get that out of the way. Next time, use protection.

 

Let me clarify since they combined my thread. No I never slept with the guy with the STD. I still had feelings for my ex, and I didn’t develop enough feelings to sleep with the other guy. Plus that made me too nervous. I broke up with that guy because I still wasn’t over my ex. I did get tested even though I never slept with him and everything came back ok.

 

The only person I slept with was my ex.

[nolanola]

I wasn’t sure about the last line either. I thought it might give him too much power. Since I already sent it, it’s too late. But my goal is no contact moving on. I hope I can stick to it. I may have to come on here a lot to get some support.

 

Ok, no biggie. I've said and done some really dumb things in the aftermath of breakups. The important thing is that you are trying to put your foot down for your well being. NC super sucks. But it is very worth it if you can stick to it. For me, it is helpful to remain silent and to let my ex wonder why he hasn't heard from me. Maybe he won't wonder, but thinking that helps me stay in that frame of mind. Whatever thoughts you need to turn to for strength, I think is fair. Come here and post. I'm on here almost every day lately and will always talk you out of communicating if you come here first.

[Hope4thefuture]

I am trying to stay busy so I keep him off my mind. I have made plans with friends for the upcoming weekend. The holidays do make it hard. No one to buy presents for and no one to celebrate New Years with.

 

I keep thinking about what he might be doing, who is he celebrating with this year. How I wish it was with me, but I know that will never happen again. I am trying to hold back the tears and be strong. But how this hurts so much.

[BC1980]

You really need to stop talking to him. You were with him for 3 years, and he wouldn't move the relationship forward. From everything you described, it sounded stagnant and like he wasn't interested in a long term commitment. You stayed and accepted less. Now, you are accepting even less. You're basically his friends with benefits. He is keeping you around for sex plain and simple. There's no more to it than that. He does not want any type of committed relationship with you, and he never will.

 

He knows what he wants. Anyone who pulls the "I don't know," "maybe in the future," does not want to be with you. They're just saying what they need to keep you around for their benefit.

[elaine567]

It is an actual thing that some men will stick around exes and use them as FWBs. In fact access to potential sex is found to be the main reason men keep in contact with exes.

 

I guess this is what he did here. Your mind is all about getting back together and reconciliation and he fed into that by saying “you never know maybe we will get back together in the future” over and over again and all he is really thinking is "Sex".

 

 

If he really wanted you back then he would have kicked his gf into touch.. but he hasn't and he is hitting you up now for easy sex...

[nolanola]

I am trying to stay busy so I keep him off my mind. I have made plans with friends for the upcoming weekend. The holidays do make it hard. No one to buy presents for and no one to celebrate New Years with.

 

I keep thinking about what he might be doing, who is he celebrating with this year. How I wish it was with me, but I know that will never happen again. I am trying to hold back the tears and be strong. But how this hurts so much.

 

I'm sorry. I know how hard it is, I really do. I think about all the same things and I'm sure a bunch of people here do. This board is good for helping you realize that your thoughts and fears are really common.

 

One change in perspective that I've been trying to use to my advantage is to think "Is his behavior good enough for me?". Not "does he want me back" or "will I hear from him again?" -- although I must confess those thoughts are there. I try to think of whether what he is doing (intermittent contact, no commitment, BS breadcrumb messages, etc) is good enough for me. I know the answer for myself is NO, although it is really hard to admit. I'm trying to focus on this as a way to strengthen my boundaries. I think, for a lot of us, when we meet someone that we get excited about and that we start to care about, we overlook small things in the beginning. Then those small things get bigger over time. The amount of effort someone puts in starts to decline, but we are ok with it because we don't want to lose that person. So we lower our expectations and it keeps happening until the other person is really treating us badly. Then we're trapped in a cycle where we can't let go, but we're getting so little for our effort.

 

What he is doing is NOT good enough for you. Hopefully, after some time, that will be the only thing that you think of when he crosses your mind. Focus on not giving attention (meaning texting him, answering his messages, seeing him, sleeping with him) to someone that is not giving you what you deserve. When he does something and you can ask "is he doing what I deserve?" and answer yes, then you can talk to him again.

[Hope4thefuture]

I'm sorry. I know how hard it is, I really do. I think about all the same things and I'm sure a bunch of people here do. This board is good for helping you realize that your thoughts and fears are really common.

 

One change in perspective that I've been trying to use to my advantage is to think "Is his behavior good enough for me?". Not "does he want me back" or "will I hear from him again?" -- although I must confess those thoughts are there. I try to think of whether what he is doing (intermittent contact, no commitment, BS breadcrumb messages, etc) is good enough for me. I know the answer for myself is NO, although it is really hard to admit. I'm trying to focus on this as a way to strengthen my boundaries. I think, for a lot of us, when we meet someone that we get excited about and that we start to care about, we overlook small things in the beginning. Then those small things get bigger over time. The amount of effort someone puts in starts to decline, but we are ok with it because we don't want to lose that person. So we lower our expectations and it keeps happening until the other person is really treating us badly. Then we're trapped in a cycle where we can't let go, but we're getting so little for our effort.

 

What he is doing is NOT good enough for you. Hopefully, after some time, that will be the only thing that you think of when he crosses your mind. Focus on not giving attention (meaning texting him, answering his messages, seeing him, sleeping with him) to someone that is not giving you what you deserve. When he does something and you can ask "is he doing what I deserve?" and answer yes, then you can talk to him again.

 

 

Thank you for the advice. I will definitely trying looking at it from this angle instead of all the wondering. It is very hard not to think about him and if he is missing me. But you are right. The way he was treating me was not right. I know I had some to do with that, letting it go on for so long.

 

I have made it one day with NC. I have reached out to friends for support. And most importantly I get to see my sweet boys for Christmas Eve dinner and Christmas Day.

[Hope4thefuture]

Over the past month my ex would reach out to me through text and phone calls. He gave me a card for my birthday and called me for my birthday. He would flirt on the phone and even wanted to have phone sex. He would call me after work to see how I was and would even offer to drive me home after my work holiday party.

 

Was he just being friendly and I misread all these messages? Was this my fault that my feelings grew stronger again and he never misled me at all?

[nolanola]

That is great news!! I'm so glad you had a small victory today. Another thing that I find helpful is to try to think of each day as separate. When you think "I'm never going to talk to this person again", it feels so overwhelming and devastating. But none of know the future and strange things happen in life. You never know how things will work out or who you will meet. All we can deal with is today. What do you want and need today? It's ok to focus on only today and worry about tomorrow tomorrow.

 

As for your second post, go back and read what I said above about accepting less than we deserve. I don't doubt that he has some level of feelings for you and you're not crazy. But you want this guy to be your boyfriend in a committed relationship. Not to come and go as he pleases. Right now, you are accepting less than what you deserve because you'd rather have some of him than none of him. You don't want to lose him and are afraid to stand up for what you deserve. When we do this over time (I'm saying "we" because I have been guilty of this too), the other person learns that we will accept less. They don't have to go all in because we'll take crumbs. Trying to have phone sex with someone is not "being friendly". He wants to keep the status quo because it works for him. If it doesn't work for you (is this what you deserve?) then you HAVE TO stand up for yourself or he will keep doing it.

[Hope4thefuture]

Lots of time on my hands today and so my mind keeps playing things over and over. Many times my ex texted me to tell me that he only moved on because he heard I did. That if I hadn’t then maybe we would be together. He was also texting the girl he is dating now before we officially broke up. He said it was nothing and she wasn’t the reason. I am not saying she is, but it pisses me off that he blamed me moving forward. He made me believe that we might have worked had I not been the one to start dating. I am so mad that he made me doubt myself.