Going NC, but my ex stops at my house

[nolanola]

I've been having a rough couple of days as well (and I'm at 8 weeks NC today). I think it takes as long as it takes. We all have to do things in our own time. You are doing really well in the things that you have been able to do (not contacting, staying off social media, etc). Accepting that something is over is incredibly hard sometimes and I find myself having to do it over and over. I will think that I feel good about things and then something will creep into my mind that makes me think about him or wonder what he thinks or feels. Then I start wondering if I'll ever hear from him again. Even though, logically, I know it's not good for me. I don't think I would want to talk to him even if he did reach out. But I still want him too. Not logical or helpful. I am trying to trust that it will get better. I have been heartbroken before and that was excruciating. But I got through it in time.

Another thing I try to remind myself of is that time does heal things, but you have to give time time. There isn't a shortcut where you can jump to 6 months from now when we will hopefully be so much further along. We just have to feel it, as much as it sucks. I am trying to focus on goals for the new year (joining a book club, volunteering, running a half marathon) and things to look forward to (going to see my best friend in February). That helps some.

 

ETA: Read this thread below also. I think you will recognize a lot of feelings in her first several posts (I know I did) and the way she picks her self up and moves on is so inspiring. I've read it at least 5 times already. (https://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/666624-i-feel-so-rejected)

Edited December 27, 2018 by nolanola

[Hope4thefuture]

I've been having a rough couple of days as well (and I'm at 8 weeks NC today). I think it takes as long as it takes. We all have to do things in our own time. You are doing really well in the things that you have been able to do (not contacting, staying off social media, etc). Accepting that something is over is incredibly hard sometimes and I find myself having to do it over and over. I will think that I feel good about things and then something will creep into my mind that makes me think about him or wonder what he thinks or feels. Then I start wondering if I'll ever hear from him again. Even though, logically, I know it's not good for me. I don't think I would want to talk to him even if he did reach out. But I still want him too. Not logical or helpful. I am trying to trust that it will get better. I have been heartbroken before and that was excruciating. But I got through it in time.

Another thing I try to remind myself of is that time does heal things, but you have to give time time. There isn't a shortcut where you can jump to 6 months from now when we will hopefully be so much further along. We just have to feel it, as much as it sucks. I am trying to focus on goals for the new year (joining a book club, volunteering, running a half marathon) and things to look forward to (going to see my best friend in February). That helps some.

 

ETA: Read this thread below also. I think you will recognize a lot of feelings in her first several posts (I know I did) and the way she picks her self up and moves on is so inspiring. I've read it at least 5 times already. (https://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/666624-i-feel-so-rejected)

 

 

Thank you for the encouragement. I read through the thread and I agree it is very inspiring. It gives me hope that one day I will be there too.

 

I have thought a lot about these past few months. Since the break up I have not been living my life. I have been coasting through it with my boys, my job, myself, etc. I don’t want to live like that anymore. I know I will have tough days and days that I may get a little sad. However I want to start having more days that are filled with good times. Enough feeling sorry for myself. I need to take charge of my life and experience it.

 

I have made 4 goals for the upcoming year. I am determined to start feeling good again. I know I may slide some days, but I know I can do it. I did it after my divorce and I can do it again.

[Hope4thefuture]

I have almost made it one week with NC. Such a good feeling that I have made it this far. Yes it can be difficult at times during the day. But coming here helps encourage me to keep going.

[Hope4thefuture]

I don’t have my boys for NYE this year, and I don’t have any plans either. I know it ok to be by myself for NYE. What might be a fun way to celebrate when you are alone?

[BC1980]

I have almost made it one week with NC. Such a good feeling that I have made it this far. Yes it can be difficult at times during the day. But coming here helps encourage me to keep going.

 

That's great. You start to build momentum the further along you go. I won't do much for New Year's either. Probably just watch the ball drop in Times Square. I've worked a lot of New Year's in the past, so it's not really a holiday I've done much on. One of my favorite New Year's, I went to Sedona and hiked a beautiful trail that morning. I vividly remember that day for some reason.

[ExpatInItaly]

I don’t have my boys for NYE this year, and I don’t have any plans either. I know it ok to be by myself for NYE. What might be a fun way to celebrate when you are alone?

 

You could make it a night of pampering for yourself. Grab a book you’ve wanted to read, draw a bath, pour a glass of your favorite wine, throw on a face or hair mask, do your nails. Things like that. Start the new year feeling refreshed.

[Hope4thefuture]

Thanks for the advice. I think looking at the new year being refreshed is a perfect way for me to start. Letting go of the old and looking forward to what is yet to come.

 

This year is about to end and a new year is starting. In this upcoming year I want to focus on myself, my boys, and the people who love and care about me. This past summer when my ex wanted a break, it was so difficult for me. And to be honest at times it still can be. But I can’t keep focusing on my past. He chose not to be with me. I need to accept that and move forward. Every day we have a new beginning. A chance to make it a good day. That is what I want to focus on now. New beginnings. New experiences. I want to be in charge of my life and not sit on the sidelines watching. Certain times will be scary or hard, but there will be times of joy and laughter. I can’t think of anything better.

[Hope4thefuture]

Guess who texted? I ignored it.

[nolanola]

Where is the eye roll emoji? Of course he's coming back.

 

Good for you in not replying!! You didn't say what he said, but I would encourage you to ask yourself, whatever it was, "Is it good enough for me?". If it's some BS text about "Happy New Year", or whatever, then the answer is NO. Also, ask yourself, what do you want? If it's a relationship with this guy, then don't accept some stupid meaningless text from him.

 

And don't for one minute feel bad about ignoring him. He's got it coming and then some. Make yourself a great dinner and do something you love tonight.

[Hope4thefuture]

Where is the eye roll emoji? Of course he's coming back.

 

Good for you in not replying!! You didn't say what he said, but I would encourage you to ask yourself, whatever it was, "Is it good enough for me?". If it's some BS text about "Happy New Year", or whatever, then the answer is NO. Also, ask yourself, what do you want? If it's a relationship with this guy, then don't accept some stupid meaningless text from him.

 

And don't for one minute feel bad about ignoring him. He's got it coming and then some. Make yourself a great dinner and do something you love tonight.

 

 

 

Thanks. I haven’t even read it, but from what I saw it said some BS about a belated Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.

 

I did talk to his sister in law, and she told me he doesn’t want any serious relationship right now. He is dating that girl, who is married. So he can come and go as he pleases. He doesn’t want any commitment. He wants to date casually and have fun. So I hope he enjoys that. He missed out on something really special with me.

[loversquarrel]

There you go OP, now you know for certain you have been reduced to a plan "b". The very fact he's dating a married woman?? Tells me this married woman doesn't quite want to leave what she has for him....So why should you?

 

Think of it this way...the more time you spend thinking about a guy who puts you second is that much less time you spend finding a guy that puts you first.

[BC1980]

I would think about blocking him. You might have a bad day one day and respond.

[Hope4thefuture]

The guy I just broke up with last month still wants to be friends. He is the one that has the STD. He said he would rather have me in his life as a friend than not at all. I have made it very clear to him that I don’t want to date and if he can’t handle being friends than I will back off. He is my son’s baseball coach so I will have to see him during baseball season. I want to stay on friendly terms because of this. However I don’t want him to get the wrong idea. He has invited me to hang out at times. I have always asked and reminded him only as friends. Do you think I am leading him on? I am afraid he thinks the more we hang out, he thinks we could get back together. He hasn’t said that, just a feeling I get. He says he is glad we can be friends. Am I doing anything wrong or is this his choice knowing I only want to be friends?

[BC1980]

The guy I just broke up with last month still wants to be friends. He is the one that has the STD. He said he would rather have me in his life as a friend than not at all. I have made it very clear to him that I don’t want to date and if he can’t handle being friends than I will back off. He is my son’s baseball coach so I will have to see him during baseball season. I want to stay on friendly terms because of this. However I don’t want him to get the wrong idea. He has invited me to hang out at times. I have always asked and reminded him only as friends. Do you think I am leading him on? I am afraid he thinks the more we hang out, he thinks we could get back together. He hasn’t said that, just a feeling I get. He says he is glad we can be friends. Am I doing anything wrong or is this his choice knowing I only want to be friends?

 

He is trying to get you back. He doesn't want to be your friend. He might have convinced himself of that, but his motive is to get you back. There's a difference in being friendly and being friends. You can be friendly and cordial to a person that you have to see at times, but you don't have to hang out with them like actual friends do.

 

I wouldn't hang out with him if it were me. I think you can find some other people to be friends with. I understand that you don't want to be mean to him, but it's not really in either of your best interests to continue to hang out. It will probably also get awkward for you at some point. You can still be cordial to him at soccer practice.

[Hope4thefuture]

I have been doing NC to help me heal after my breakup. It took me awhile to get to this place because he and I would text or talk on the phone. That only made things harder. In my mind I would take those texts and calls as hope. I thought we were on our way back to each other. I was wrong. It took me many months to see that. Lots of wasted time I could have been trying to move on.

 

So right before the holidays I decided I wouldn’t contact him anymore. It was very difficult for me and still is every day.

 

Yesterday I came home and was getting out of my car when all of a sudden I hear his voice. He was in his car by the end of my driveway. He got out of his car and starting asking me how I was and just the usual small talk. We didn’t talk but a few minutes because he was picking up his daughter. His daughter’s mom lives in my neighborhood so I am bound to see him sometimes. When I saw him it brings back all those feelings and hope.

 

After he left I got a text from him saying “it was nice to see me and sorry for just crashing right when I got home.” I didn’t respond to his text. So a few minutes later his next text was “Sorry I maybe be interrupting your date. Oops, my bad. I will quit texting.”

 

I will continue NC. It will be hard when I may see him in person. Our kids are in the same class. His ex wife lives in my neighborhood so he will be driving by my house at times.

 

Will seeing him at times stop my progress? NC is hard enough, but when I see him it makes it even harder.

[d0nnivain]

If he pops up again, behave as you did here. Then after he leaves you have to something that will be very difficult for you: send him a text to stay away.

[Geraltt]

It's going to be a challenge to manage, but if you stay strong you should be ok. Remember, the key is not to change the world so you don't get hurt; the key is to become stronger so those things hurt less and less, and eventually not at all. Soon enough - probably sooner rather than later - you might see him from time to time and not really give him much of a second thought.

 

I know it sounds like that's an impossibility now, but in good time it will become your reality.

 

If nothing else, this is a good object lesson for those who think that they can break NC without consequences, as evidenced by your own words:

 

When I saw him it brings back all those feelings and hope... NC is hard enough, but when I see him it makes it even harder.

 

Breaking NC almost always brings you back to where you were immediate post-breakup.

[BC1980]

The problem is that your ex is still in your orbit through no fault of your own. You aren't obligated to see him, but he could pop up due to your lives overlapping in some ways. A lot of people have to deal with this, so it can be managed.

 

You can be polite to someone without engaging them. If you see him at your son's school, you can smile and nod without getting into a conversation. I had to do this because my ex worked at the same place as me. So we would inevitably bump into one another. I would smile and say hello but keep moving. If he would ask how my parents were, I would say they were fine and move on. That works if you see him out randomly. You can make those encounters as big or as little as you want to.

 

Showing up at your house is completely unacceptable. That's a lack of respect for boundaries. If he does that again, I would tell him you don't feel comfortable with him showing up unannounced.

[nolanola]

What was he talking about "interrupting your date"? That's so weird to me, but clearly he's thinking you're moving on since he hasn't heard from you. Since you aren't responding to him, he's forced to find you at your house. If this is a one time thing, that's one thing, but if he starts showing up all the time then you may have to put your foot down. It's one thing to randomly run into someone when you live in the same place. You can't help that and since you guys run in the same circles, there will be times that you'll be in the same places. But he should not be showing up at your house. You should have some control over what goes on at your own house, even if you can't control whether you see him at the grocery store or something.

 

I hope this doesn't set you back too far. He's trying to keep himself in your life and that is not right. Wait to see what happens. I agree that if he shows up again you will need to tell him to not do that.

[ExpatInItaly]

So he's coming around again because he and his girlfriend are having trouble in paradise or something?

 

I'm sorry OP, but this man does not give a rat's behind about you as a person. It's all about his wants and his needs, and he's bulldozing any boundaries you have tried to establish by not contacting him. He needs a plan B; he's trying to make sure you're still available to keep him company until he inevitably bails again.

 

He's gross.

[Hope4thefuture]

Seeing my ex the other night when he stopped by my house has gotten me thinking about him more these last few days. I have not contacted him since then. Today I got a little teary eyed thinking about him. Some of those same thoughts were swirling around in my head. Is he happy? Who is he dating? I was frustrated with myself for going down that road again. I know this is a process, and I will have good and bad days. Today was a difficult day.

[nolanola]

Seeing my ex the other night when he stopped by my house has gotten me thinking about him more these last few days. I have not contacted him since then. Today I got a little teary eyed thinking about him. Some of those same thoughts were swirling around in my head. Is he happy? Who is he dating? I was frustrated with myself for going down that road again. I know this is a process, and I will have good and bad days. Today was a difficult day.

 

This just makes me mad. This is exactly what he wanted. You were doing great, taking care of yourself and moving forward. And now he has set you back a bit by inserting himself into your life again. Take care of yourself. It's natural that this would slow you down a bit but just remember, in the end, it doesn't mean anything. He isn't trying to get you back or hasn't broken up with the woman he's seeing (that we know of). So his actions are just petty and designed to make sure that you're still "there".

 

I completely understand about good and bad days. I was doing really well for a while and then slid a bit. Today, I feel really good, but who knows how I will feel tomorrow. I'm trying to recognize the things that bring on bad feelings (being tired, ruminating on bad memories, having time to sit and stew) and the things that seem to help (being busy, exercising, listening to inspiring podcasts, making plans). It's not perfect but I'm hoping I can try to focus on what I need to do to take care of myself. It's such a sad process too -- I hate the idea of letting go of someone that has been so important to me over the past few years, but I also know I deserve better.

[Hope4thefuture]

The weekends are the hardest for me. I have more time on my hands so my mind will wander and think about him. I know we broke up at the end of the summer, but unfortunately we still stayed in contact. Not all the time but enough to stop me from moving on from him. It gave me false hope. Now that we aren’t in contact I know it is real. Even though I know this is right and we are over, at times it is hard to accept. Isn’t that silly? As I reflect back I realize we weren’t as compatible as I thought, we didn’t communicate with each other, and he would rather drink and smoke weed than spend time together.

 

I feel like l wasted these past few months. I was holding on to the hope of getting him back. Plus I dated another guy for 2 months thinking that would help, which it didn’t. The worse part is not moving beyond all this until now. I had the past 6 months to do that and I chose to hang onto my ex. I think back and reread through my old thread from the summer and wish I would have taken all the advice that was given to me then. I think I would be in a much better place.

[Hope4thefuture]

I went to workout today. It made me feel better. My gym has a fitness challenge for the next 6 weeks which I joined. I want to feel stronger and I am hoping this will help me get there, both physically and emotionally.

[nolanola]

Hope4thefuture, I 100% get what you are saying. I think it's a very common thought here. It's rare that someone is broken up with and just immediately accepts it and moves on with their life. Most of us have been hanging around for a while, hoping for a reconciliation. Instead of spending 6 months, just be glad you didn't spend 2 years like I did!! I regret that I didn't walk away sooner, but I am trying to be kind to myself about that. I have been seeing a therapist and one thing she pointed out to me is that I often judge myself when I'm telling her what I'm thinking. For example, I'll say "this is so petty, but..." or "this is really dumb, but". I do it so often that I don't even really notice when it happens. I was thinking about that when I saw you wrote "Isn't that silly?".

 

My Dad often reminds me that feelings are just feelings, they aren't facts. Just because you're feeling sad about someone that didn't deserve your love doesn't mean you're silly or pathetic. It means you're human and you got your heart broken. Also, I think the thoughts that we have for ourselves (as long as they don't manifest as harm to others) are private and are what we need for us to get through what we need to go through. That is kind of convoluted, but what I mean is that you should not be ashamed of how you feel. There are sometimes that I imagine that my ex is totally oblivious to me and I feel really small for still thinking of him and wishing for him to contact me. But I try to just think that it's not a crime to care about someone and that he doesn't have any idea that I sit and think about him still even though it's been about 2 and half months since we've been in touch.

 

I'm glad to hear you had a better day today. Exercising always makes me feel better and I like the idea that it will help me look physically better too. Today is kind of gloomy here, so I'm thinking I will make myself a comforting dinner tonight and start a fire.