A lesson

[Normm]

I have become so p̶r̶e̶d̶i̶c̶t̶a̶b̶l̶e̶ repetitive you can type my posts for me.

 

 

Fixed that for ya.

[ZA Dater]

You make it seem like you simply don't meet people who are anything but uninterested and dull towards you or life in general. I find that a little hard to believe considering in my single days I never met anyone like that. I've never had a woman not ask me about my work, what I like about it, etc. Also when it comes up I've also never not reciprocated. If I was on the fence about someone who mentioned to me that they were writing a novel and/or drove supercars, I'd be ordering a few more drinks because I'd want to hear all about it -- unless my mind was already solidly made up that I found the person to unsuitable for me. It's getting hard to comprehend this "everyone I date is just uninterested in supercars and/or life in general" train of thought. Maybe something else about the interaction is turning them off beforehand?

 

Anyways, I'm out of here for now, happy new year's ZA and everyone else. 'Hope 2019 goes well for you.

 

 

Correct most of the people I meet fall into that category such is OLD in SA.

 

 

I just don't think they like me, perhaps they don't like my voice or something equally stupid, who knows.

[ZA Dater]

You get out of it what you put into it. No surprise you walk away disappointed.

 

Change it up a bit. Say you're chatting with a woman who has nothing to say that's interesting. Look at her chest- if she's wearing something low cut and moves around and leans forward while one of you is talking try to get a glimpse of areola. Maybe even a hint of nipple. It helps pass the time.

 

 

 

Its not like I even find them attractive so its a nothing situation. Mostly they just have nothing to say.

[Normm]

Mostly they just have nothing to say.

 

 

To you.

 

.......

[Garcon1986]

I have the same issue - it's tough for me to trigger women to want to talk about themselves even though I've been given the advice to ask women to talk about themselves. Solution - maneuver to social circles where nerdiness is more appreciated.

[brigit87]

If you're dating the bottom of the barrel and you buy them a drink and maybe an appetizer they'll absolutely soak up the attention like a sponge because they're not getting it anywhere else. You get practice, they get attention and sustenance. I call that win/win.

 

...no. Lose-Lose

 

For all of ZA's issues the fact that he won't use a woman for "practice" is an admirable character trait.

 

You're suggesting he sit through dinner giving false compliments to some girl who may really like him and then she wonders why he didn't text her the next day???

 

That's freaking cruel.

[Garcon1986]

Anyway mijn zuid-afrikaanse broer, your stone face portrays an attitude of disapproval - whereas a good smile or at least neutral face could convince her to have at least a debate with you. She doesn't want to keep on talking if you have a stone face.

[ZA Dater]

...no. Lose-Lose

 

For all of ZA's issues the fact that he won't use a woman for "practice" is an admirable character trait.

 

You're suggesting he sit through dinner giving false compliments to some girl who may really like him and then she wonders why he didn't text her the next day???

 

That's freaking cruel.

 

 

 

I am very conscious of the feelings of others. Using people for experience has never been something I am prepared to do and none of my friends can understand why. Morally its just something that doesn't sit well with me.

[ZA Dater]

You ever showed K your failed conversations with women? Ask her why they didn't relate to you?

 

 

 

Its hard to show someone a conversation....she knows all too well my dating issues, like I suspect she knows I like her.

 

 

Interestingly advice from her is not exactly forthcoming....she struggled herself so in that respect I think she can relate.

[chillii]

Another 30 pager and we still haven't married you off yet damn it , don't like one getting away.

[LightWave93]

I'm not entirely clued up on ZA's posting history / situation, nor am I the best person to be offering any insight, but I like to help people (and, perhaps, I should make more of an effort to do so on here).

 

@ZA

 

I had a friend on another internet forum who was sort of like you. He had expectations when it came to dating, he could consistently get dates, but for one reason or another they were never "his type" and thus it never went further than a few meets or a casual hookup. He is good-looking, intelligent, financially stable etc, so he certainly had positive attributes and he was clearly attracting women, but ultimately it came down to the fact that the women he was meeting up with were not up to his standards.

 

And despite being relatively successful with the ladies, he was incredibly lonely and pessimistic.

 

I can't tell you how to live your life nor can I really suggest that you alter your expectations. It's your life, you do as you will, but I have to highlight that it appears the path you are going down is not the path that will make you happy. You seem to have plenty going for you and I genuinely believe you are a decent bloke, but I think years of rejection and struggles have clouded your view to the point where you can't see outside of that. Maybe. Pure speculation on my part.

 

Dating, love etc is all about sacrifice and non of us get to find the "perfect" partner. They don't exist. We're humans, and flawed. It's great you know what you want, but I recommend dialing back a little and re-evaluating. There's some simply adjustments you can make here that could possibly turn your dating life around.

 

And, one other thing, and this is a bit selfish of me but...I too have been told I'm attractive, intelligent, "a catch" etc. The difference being is that I don't get dates, whereas you do. You're in a great position because you have opportunities; don't waste them, because there's plenty of people who would love to be in the position that you're in.

 

Contrary to how some of the others are treating you in their responses, I don't believe a hostile stance is necessary. You're a good man who is a little lost, and I can see that. Try to take advice on board, and roll with it. It may take you to where you want to be...and if not, at least you can say you tried.

 

All the best, dude!

[edgygirl]

Hmm... my BMI is ideal and I don't care about model males, quite the opposite. I like intelligent, witty men.

 

If you want a woman that only cares about model looks... go for it. I'd pass.

 

Ok so I took stock, sat down, listed the things I want to improve but I realized something, I cant change how I look and that's the biggest impediment. Put a pic of a model on a profile and get tones of matches, post a picture of me and suddenly it's the same overweight matches.

 

Clearly looks are the gateway. I'll rather just get on with my life chase what's never going to want me but at least I know why.

 

Feel somewhat calmer now.

 

I'd had planned to do some cold approaches but after this little experiment I don't really see the point. Ugly is as ugly does.

[ZA Dater]

I'm not entirely clued up on ZA's posting history / situation, nor am I the best person to be offering any insight, but I like to help people (and, perhaps, I should make more of an effort to do so on here).

 

@ZA

 

I had a friend on another internet forum who was sort of like you. He had expectations when it came to dating, he could consistently get dates, but for one reason or another they were never "his type" and thus it never went further than a few meets or a casual hookup. He is good-looking, intelligent, financially stable etc, so he certainly had positive attributes and he was clearly attracting women, but ultimately it came down to the fact that the women he was meeting up with were not up to his standards.

 

And despite being relatively successful with the ladies, he was incredibly lonely and pessimistic.<snip>

 

Am I not getting any dates at all, nor am I bothering to look for them either and yes my body language is probably pretty negative too. I just don't see the point of opening myself up to be used and thrown away like a piece of trash. I can live life, I can help people, I can morally support people but I realised for all that I'll probably always be alone.

 

I wish I could go back and change from 25 but its pointless because I cant and realistically what appeal does a 34yo with no relationship experience and no sexual experience have. None. So when people try set me up I don't really try anymore because nobody is going to find me attractive when I am compared to other 34yo's. People tell me the market is powerful, I have no value in that market. The absolute best I can hope for is to be someone's friend, get the odd bit of attention, a hug here and there and just feel like I matter to someone.

 

Sure, change but change to what and for what purpose, there isn't a manual here about what ladies want, heck when I see who they pair up with I feel even more hopeless because I have zero in common with those guys. The choice is, I can let this get to me or I can try and simply just live, I'll always feel lonely, I'll always want that experience but my theory is when it comes to experiences you want the best one you can get, some semi educated, poorly spoken, out of shape single mom isn't the experience I want.

 

Yes, I doubt I'll get the 27yo single, dynamic, driven, ambitious, well spoken lady either but every so often I meet them, my mind can wonder, I can wonder what it would be like and I can live for that moment vicariously. It was great taking someone away for a weekend away last year, I enjoyed it because I felt complete, the way she looked at me, the attention I got, I didn't feel the odd one out, yes it was separate rooms and there was nothing in the way of anything else.

 

The choice I make is to be as nice to people as they are dismissive of me.

 

Today I met a yoga teacher, you can imagine how nice she looked and she seemed friendly but I was just wondering "what now". That's the problem if there is no wow, no emotional feeling the whole idea is just completely dead. In nearly 35 years I have only been wowed twice. All I can is be the best I can because I don't know how to tell someone I like them, I don't know how to make them like me, I don't know how to make a move on them. So instead of looking stupid its probably best I just avoid all of it.

Edited January 5, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Truncate quote and fix spacing

[Garcon1986]

Remember he is no longer willing to change, he is just discussing this for the companionship of discussing the problem with other people.

[ZA Dater]

Remember he is no longer willing to change, he is just discussing this for the companionship of discussing the problem with other people.

 

You tell me what will guarantee success and I'll try change to that.

[Garcon1986]

Moving to a larger metropolitan city is a start, to get bigger numbers to play with.

[Garcon1986]

I know you previously refused the idea, but you haven’t told us if you ever tried a 2 week vacation or something like that in another big city somewhere. And go there just for casual experiences.

[Normm]

You tell me what will guarantee success and I'll try change to that.

 

You want guaranteed success with a woman go to the nearest brothel and drop $500 on the counter. Don't forget the condom.

[Garcon1986]

The only thing left you can do... is to move to another country with better pickings, and simultaneously work on "targeted dating" by learning what you are bad at (i.e. going on a date to specifically learn about physical escalation).

 

The best you'll get here is some digital sympathy. You've made most of us inpatient ZA Dater.

[ZA Dater]

Moving to a larger metropolitan city is a start, to get bigger numbers to play with.

 

This city isn't exactly small and I like it here. Impractical idea in the extreme.

[ZA Dater]

I know you previously refused the idea, but you haven’t told us if you ever tried a 2 week vacation or something like that in another big city somewhere. And go there just for casual experiences.

 

Why I never get approached so what would the point be. I am in vacation now, I go to the beach, I go running, walking, I may as well not exist. But hey they don't want me I don't have to want them either.

[ZA Dater]

You want guaranteed success with a woman go to the nearest brothel and drop $500 on the counter. Don't forget the condom.

 

Am inclined to agree with you. Was reading last night how to show interest and see if she is interested, quite interesting but what happens when it's someone not single?

[chillii]

Unless you know for sure it's on the rocks and they're splitting anyway, you keep on walking.

You don't wanna be a fling or mess with lives.

 

There's always other fish in the sea, anywhere.

[ZA Dater]

Or the alternative is simply not the play the game at all. I realised I actually have no idea how to read women at all, spent some time reading and honestly it wasn't that interesting at all though it did help me decode some past interactions.

 

 

I think in some respects I am less inclined to bother unless I actually see any sort of sign a person is interested and that there is a reasonable chance of me not being rejected. Simply put I am not prepared to take any risk here or risk I cannot mitigate in some way.

 

 

In some respects maybe its more important to me that people have a good opinion of me than actually like me romantically, just the other day I was described as the perfect gentleman, she wont date me but did compliment me.

 

 

My other problem really is one of perception, what I perceive might be wrong but I have no proof it is, nothing has proved my perceptions wrong. I listen to people, guys and gals and the problems are always the same, the requirements are mostly the same and I keep wondering if its all worth it.

 

 

Typically I always find myself in the friend situation and I guess because I get so little interest that's quite nice BUT its one dimensional. K for example wont invite me to meet her friends, in fact barring events she wants little to do with me at all, people are quick to try and help but the help is very feigned help.

 

 

Norm is probably right, the way to do this is to turn dating into business, simply pay for someone to go to dinner, that way I don't need to try and guess if the person likes me, I'll know they are their because I paid them to be. There is no ambiguity. But there is also no challenge either. What is pretty off putting.

 

 

Unfortunately my opinion of women in the dating world isn't a very high one, they want this and that but the tangibles always seem to matter more, when they make a mistake they stand by guys who are frankly idiots but they will defend that idiocy till the end of the earth.

 

 

Sure I can go on a date but what would it accomplish, I don't have the skill to woo, I cant flirt so unless I magically find someone I want who wants me enough to look past those things, dating wont happen for me.

Edited January 5, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Redact quote if immediately preceding post

[Garcon1986]

If it's waffling in your loneliness you want, you should just get up and say it. You want experience in intimacy and reading women, but you refuse to put up the time investment to do it. You've done right in trying dating, but what you've done before has failed.

 

Remember, in the eternal battle between planes and the Earth, the Earth has always won. I challenge you to stand up like a man and tell us, you want to go to old age, never having known the intimacy of a woman, and being OK with it.

 

I will start copying and pasting here, and saying Capetown is not providing the dates you want, yet you refuse to look elsewhere.

 

 

You've done the right thing in trying to put yourself out there, but the crucial points here are:

 

1. The world refuses to change for you. That's a fact of life for everybody.

2. Experience is out there, yet you refuse to change your dating tactics. Having moral standards is OK, but not even trying to read women's social cues is not.

 

3. You win the prize for the most hard-headed man on this forum. You are in the social equivalent of a plane's stall and uncontrolled tail spin, but you refuse to fix the situation.

 

 

When are you going to realize you can't win the fight between you and the entire Earth? You can however, do what Normm said and try an escort or a sex club just to know what physical intimacy is like.