Ugh, NC never gets any easier

[xweeverx]

@nolanola

 

I went to sleep content and peaceful last night, but when I woke up this morning I felt terrible. Terrible anxiety, sadness...etc. I took time to go eat a little breakfast and try to calm down, and then decided to post in the NC section to see if that would make me feel any better. As I was typing in the NC section, I suddenly had this impulse in my mind (as if I was suddenly possessed by some demon...lol) to send another short note. I switched screens to email and sent this: "You know….we could spending these snowy days wrapped-up in the sheets together. I miss you so much.".

 

I haven't "flirted" with her since our break, and I assume she is sitting in her chilly, somewhat empty house, and so I convinced myself that maybe it would strike a coord or plant a seed if the message came across at the right time. That was over 2 hours ago. Swing and a miss. At least I made it 5 days this time, some maybe next time it will be longer. :-)

 

Thanks again for the kind words and encouragement! Hope you are good today!

[Charlierose30]

Xweervx, don’t beat yourself up if you’ve broken NC. It’s one of the hardest things I’ve done in my life and telling yourself you suck is the last thing you need right now. You’re doing the very best you can in a ****ty situation.

 

I agree with Nolanola completely regarding acceptance. I’ve struggled so much with accepting what’s happened and it’s actually made my suffering worse. In the last day or so I’ve been doing a lot of research on Radical Acceptance. Please Google it, it’s helped me stop ruminating quite so much and look at things differently. It’s all about acknowledging that we can’t change things right now, and being ok with that in the present moment. It sounds a bit like mumbo-jumbo but it can’t hurt to take a look! It’s a bit like mindfulness. There are also some great videos on YouTube.

Edited January 12, 2019 by Charlierose30

[xweeverx]

Xweervx, don’t beat yourself up if you’ve broken NC. It’s one of the hardest things I’ve done in my life and telling yourself you suck is the last thing you need right now. You’re doing the very best you can in a ****ty situation.

 

I agree with Nolanola completely regarding acceptance. I’ve struggled so much with accepting what’s happened and it’s actually made my suffering worse. In the last day or so I’ve been doing a lot of research on Radical Acceptance. Please Google it, it’s helped me stop ruminating quite so much and look at things differently. It’s all about acknowledging that we can’t change things right now, and being ok with that in the present moment. It sounds a bit like mumbo-jumbo but it can’t hurt to take a look! It’s a bit like mindfulness. There are also some great videos on YouTube.

 

Thank you so much Charlie! I will check that out.

[Beachead]

Thanks NOLA. Oh, I am definitely beating myself up. Not really for breaking NC, but for whole thing in general. I know it can be easy to blame yourself for a breakup when you're the dumpee, but this is not my first breakup, and I know I had the majority of fault here.

 

Starting over is definitely no fun. For me, it's not just the relationship I lost, I also lost the place I was living, so now all my stuff is in storage and I am living in a relative's basement. Never thought this crap would be happening to me at 48. I guess it keeps life interesting...lol.

 

I'm not sure looking at a schedule with someone's name on it (so you can prepare accordingly) constitutes a break of NC, but I wouldn't go looking at anything else. As you said, it serves no purpose. It does nothing for you.

One thing can lead to another, and then suddenly you have eaten the whole bag of chips. STEP AWAY FROM THE CHIPS! :-)

 

Hang in there! Just keep letting those feelings pour out here.

 

You don't need to be so tough on yourself with NC. Yes, from my experiences, it's the only technique that has ever worked for me in healing from breakups but that doesn't mean you stick to it religiously. It has to make sense for you. If you feel like you have things you need to know or things that you have to say and that feeling just isn't going way, then it could be helpful to just break it and do it. I don't advise it but it is likely going to lure you back into a cycle of pain but then again..I've broken it myself and it has helped me heal. It's just a matter of knowing yourself and being strong.

 

I remember unblocking my ex on FB after having her blocked for 3 months simply because I got weak. Ended up seeing a photo of her and her boyfriend together as her profile picture. It burned so badly but it also made the breakup real and forced me on the path to accept it. Acceptance didn't come immediately after though. It still took a lot of time and work to get to that point, but this was the moment that I started to move passed it.

 

Just do the best you can and make adjustments along the way. Forgive yourself for your weaknesses and be patient.

 

- Beach

[xweeverx]

Thanks Beach!!!!

[nolanola]

xweeverx, I try to remind myself that it takes as long as it takes. I know some ninjas that seem to heal from a breakup so easily it's amazing. For everyone else, it's a struggle. I have fallen off the NC wagon a bunch of times in previous breakups. Honestly, it made me feel good in the moment to reach out to the person ("He still responds to my messages!") but then after a few days would go by and I would hear nothing more from them I would feel like I went even lower. I definitely noticed that when I was able to finally stop this cycle that I started feeling better, but it took a really long time. With my really toxic ex, it took something like 6 months. It's like an addiction or a compulsion or something. It takes so much time for that urge to go away.

 

One thing that might help would be to take her number/email out of your phone. You can write it on a paper and put it in a drawer somewhere if it feels too drastic to just delete it. That way, you would have to take a bunch of extra steps to send something and that might give you the time to think it over. It's so easy to just hit a button on your phone and send your deepest thoughts to someone. As an aside, I almost had a heart attack reading about when Beach wrote out something to his ex and had it on What's App. I would be so scared I would accidentally send something like that!!

 

With my ex, I have his number in my phone, but I changed the name I have him listed under. He is now "YDB" which stands for "you deserve better". I got this from a podcast and I like it. I had deleted him to start with, but then when he sent a text I didn't know who it was at first. This way I will know it's him but I have a reminder that I deserve better. So far, I haven't had any urge to contact him, but I'd like this to be the thing I think if and when he reaches out again.

[xweeverx]

@nolanola

 

Thanks again so much. I definitely like the YDB acronym!

[xweeverx]

@nolanola

@polypocket

@charlierose30

 

Just checking in with you guys. Hope you are all hangin tough. Hugs.

[Iamyoungjuan]

I broke NC today and she told me that she not in love with me or she doesn’t love me and she want me outta her life she was also mad so I don’t know if she means it or not but I believe her I’m going NC from this point on

 

It’s been 2in a half months and things are getting worse she was calling me at first but now the calls has stop and she has completely moved on and want nothing to do with me

[Morello]

I agree that breaking NC might help people to accept the break up in some situations, such as learning that the ex is with someone new, etc.

 

On the other hand, contacting someone who rejected you can shatter your self-esteem, even at the subconscious level. Confident people who get rejected don't go after who rejected them. They walk away. It's a difficult thing to do but is the best way of getting your confidence back.

 

You got to reject your rejector. It's like thinking: "ok, you rejected me, but now I remove myself from your life completely and you have to deal with that alone. Good luck."

 

That's why when people act confidently and go full NC after being broken up with, it's almost certain that the dumper will get back at some point. Not for the right reasons anyway but mainly because of that power shift that happens with NC.

 

The thing I learned is that no matter the reason for breaking NC as a dumpee, it will tell the dumper and, worse, to yourself that you think you don't have enough value to just walk away and mean it. Everyday you spent with NC is an extra point of self-confidence and self-worth you give to yourself. You show YOURSELF that you don't need that person in your life to be happy. That you won't run after someone who decided no to be in your life.

 

You can survey people who break NC and almost 100% will feel good for a few hours or days, saying to themselves "yeah, it was good to know they don't care" but then reality sets in and they start feeling terrible for giving away even more power to the dumper. The dumper feels great and validated. They feel they are indeed better than the dumpee and feel that their decision of breaking up has been validated. On the other hand, if you maintain full NC, they will start thinking that they might not have made the best decision after all. They will think you found someone better or is just overall ok with being broken up, which will change their own perception of their value (and yours).

 

Some might think this is playing games but it makes a big difference in healing, since the biggest thing about being broken up with is losing confidence and self-esteem, feeling inadequate. The ones who take years to recover are usually the ones who struggled to get their confidence and self-esteem back, commonly the ones who maintained some level of contact. Just by having a quick look at their social media, for example, is a way of keeping in that mindset and maintaing the dumper in a pedestal they have no business being in.

Edited January 18, 2019 by Morello

[nolanola]

I wish there was a way to know when people respond to your threads!! I check this site almost everyday but I wish you could tag people or something.

 

@Morello, I LOVE what you said and it is spot on. I believe this whole heartedly. I don't think there is anything wrong with telling yourself whatever you need to in order to help yourself heal. If that's game playing, then I'm ok with it. I tell myself this (about giving power to the dumper) all the time to make sure I stay NC. It works for me. I also feel like I don't want to give him the satisfaction of knowing that I still think about him and am still so hurt.

 

@xweeverx, I am doing ok. I had been struggling a bit this week because my ex is in my city as I type this. I knew he was going to be here and it has been a source of great anxiety for me. I am staying far away from the place he will be, but just knowing he is close by is very stressful. I know I am not ready to see him again but at the same time I still want him to contact me. It's not very logical. I've heard nothing from him and I can't help but be disappointed. I think I had a tiny hope that he would arrive here, think of me, and want to talk to me. Part of the event he is here for is at a hotel where we went for drinks on our first date. I know if it was me, I would be thinking of him a lot. But in my mind, because he has said nothing to me, he's forgotten me and doesn't think of me at all. So it's been a bit up and down this week.

 

However, it's probably a blessing in disguise that he's said nothing to me. I know I'm not ready to see him again. I will almost certainly see him again in a few months and just knowing that is out there gives me occasional anxiety. But I'm not at a point of indifference yet so maybe it's good that he has said nothing. That way, the end of our relationship, both the romantic and the friendship, seems more real. It doesn't make it easier, but it maybe helps with the reality.

 

I hate him sometimes. I know that's harsh. But sometimes I get so angry at how he treated me and I want him to feel bad. I would never actually do anything to him, but I think these things.

 

My brother is here this weekend visiting and I have some big health things happening, so that helps to distract me some and to keep my thoughts on other things, but I still think of him.

 

How are things with everyone else?

[xweeverx]

I wish there was a way to know when people respond to your threads!! I check this site almost everyday but I wish you could tag people or something.

 

I am pretty sure there is a way to get an email anytime there is a response. Check the notification settings in your profile.

 

@xweeverx, I am doing ok. I had been struggling a bit this week because my ex is in my city as I type this. I knew he was going to be here and it has been a source of great anxiety for me. I am staying far away from the place he will be, but just knowing he is close by is very stressful. I know I am not ready to see him again but at the same time I still want him to contact me. It's not very logical. I've heard nothing from him and I can't help but be disappointed. I think I had a tiny hope that he would arrive here, think of me, and want to talk to me. Part of the event he is here for is at a hotel where we went for drinks on our first date. I know if it was me, I would be thinking of him a lot. But in my mind, because he has said nothing to me, he's forgotten me and doesn't think of me at all. So it's been a bit up and down this week.

 

<SNIP>

 

I know that feeling....like, how can they not think of me in those certain situations. I feel pretty certain your guy has thought about you during his visit to your city, but he's probably reluctant to contact you out of fear of it not going well. I know there are certain things, places, songs, etc. that make me think of my old girlfriends, but I am usually reluctant to reach out to the ones I broke up with because I don't want to stir emotions or cause more grief for either one of us. He hasn't forgotten you. At the same time though, we have to remind ourselves that even if our ex contacted us just to say hi or catch-up, would that be really what we wanted? Would we really walk away feeling better? So yes, it's probably a blessing he didn't reach out.

 

I have been trying to practice the concept of Radical Acceptance. I think Poly or Charlierose mentioned it to me. (Google it) It seems to have helped me some, but I am still up and down.

 

One thing that is really bothering me this weekend is that I have to make a living arrangement decision by Monday that would potentially have me living within 10 minutes of my ex (pretty much my old neighborhood). I've been living with family since my breakup, but there is a great little Townhouse that is available for a great price, but I think it might be a little too soon for me to be back in my old neighborhood, where everything is going to remind me of my ex. Part of me feels like I should not be making decisions based on anything that has to do with her, and that most likely I will be in a better mindset in the next couple of months, so why should a pass up a great place to live?; and then the other part of me thinks it's just better to pass and stay out of that old environment until I am better healed. UGH!

Edited January 19, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[nolanola]

@xweeverx, I totally support doing whatever it takes to help your heart heal. When I broke up with my toxic ex, I quit my part time job. And I loved that job. He also worked there and every time I would pull in the parking lot, my heart would be in my throat until I saw whether or not his car was there. When I actually got serious about getting away from him and moving on, making those changes made a HUGE difference. It was a coincidence that I had just moved too, so I didn't have to be in my old apartment, where I had cried so many tears over him. If you think it's too soon, maybe it would be better to wait for something in a new neighborhood? Or is there a looming deadline that has you needing to move sooner?

 

I heard something on a podcast this week that I thought was a good suggestion (and I will definitely check out Radical Acceptance - I love self help stuff!). It was about how to get over a break up and the woman was saying that you should change as much of your routine as possible, even if those things don't directly correlate to your ex. It's basically a way of saying "my life is different now" and it makes sense to me. Maybe moving to a new neighborhood would be helpful to change your perspective on what is possible? (I'm saying this as advice to myself as well...)

 

I had a weird thing earlier today that is kind of bothering me and I think I might be overreacting, but I'm not sure. So my ex and I have the same profession, but are in different areas and his job is very impressive. He is also very highly thought of within his area. He had asked me a few years ago to collaborate with him and his colleagues on a scientific paper. I was really flattered that he asked. We worked together on this paper, but unfortunately it didn't work out at the time. About a year later, he got back in touch with me because they wanted to tweak it and try again, so I worked with them again. That didn't work out either and I didn't hear any more about it for a long time.

 

Today, randomly out of the blue, I got an email saying the paper has been submitted again. This is a little strange because usually they will reach out to everyone to proofread things before submitting, but I hadn't heard anything. I know my ex would have been the driving force behind this paper and I can't help but wonder if there is some significance to this. When I first saw it, I worried that he hadn't contacted me because he didn't want to talk to me or something. Like he thinks poorly of me or something. But then I started wondering if he's trying to get me to reach out to him. The last time he texted me, I ignored it, because it was a total BS text.

 

Regardless of what this means (or if it means anything), I feel thrown off by it. Just that little bit of non-contact contact. Sigh. I guess I'm not doing as well as I thought I was. On the other hand, I haven't reached out to him because of this and am not planning on it. So I guess I've made some progress?

[Endnote]

@nolanola If it's his way of reaching out, it sure seems like a trap. Most of the time from what you've told us you have been the one to do most of the work to move the relationship forward, all while he got all the benefits without the commitment. If he's really using this approach then it just seems like he's trying to use whatever power he has in the relationship to see if he can still gets what he wants, without having to do any of the work. This may all be subconscious on his part but that doesn't change what he's doing or has done. YDB remember? And this kind of bread crumbing whether real or not isn't worth waiting around for at all.

 

I'm very curious why you're going to have to see him in the next few months. Is there any way to make sure that doesn't happen? 'Cause if you're anything like me it's still going to be something you'll need more time on. Personally, I like the idea that my ex will never get to see me or communicate with me again because it's my choice to maintain NC forever. There's something to romanticize about it. That said, if you know you're going to have to see in in a few months then IMO it's just going to make it harder to let go.

 

I know the feeling of wishing someone would contact you, but it goes back to what we discussed earlier, is it really going to do us any good even if our exes reached out with something of substance? The trust has long been broken and what could possibly be done to repair the damage? After all, if my ex just came back today and said "I ****ed up, I want to work things out...etc, etc", how could I possibly know that those words would hold true? Similar things were said before, like "I want to be with you forever", etc, and yet over time, those words didn't hold up. I always knew from my previous marriage that being in a relationship would carry the risk of it ending abruptly, so I always had at least some vigilance in my last relationship. It's always gonna be actions that matter, not words. I think about this stuff everyday, as I'm sure you do. I'll stay positive about myself and move on knowing there's something better out there for me, I hope you'll consider the same. Here's a fun saying I heard years ago while getting divorced, always made me think of my ex after I was done getting over her:

 

"I wish you were here, so I could tell you to leave."

[xweeverx]

No one should have to go through such pain and anguish. The punishment doesn't fit the crime! Just another ****ty day.

[nolanola]

@Endnote, thanks. Yes, IDB. It's tough to get that through to my rational brain when it gets emotional. It's kind of pathetic that such a non-contact contact could throw me for such a loop. It may have been completely coincidental on his part and of course the only way I can know for sure is if he were to actually reach out in a meaningful way. But, so far, he doesn't seem to want to do that. Yes, I did a lot of the attempting to move the situation forward. But, he typically was the one to reach out to me. Now certainly you can consider all of that stringing along or bread crumbing over the years and in my worst times I think of it that way. In my heart of hearts I don't think he set out to string me along. I think he genuinely liked me and I think cared about me in some way. BUT he wasn't treating me how I deserved and I didn't stand up for myself.

 

Would I want him back? I see your point and I think if he showed up at my door in 5 minutes, I don't think it would work. I think a lot would have to change. As he was never willing to give me his full attention and commitment, I think if at some point he was willing to do that things might be different. And I think it's a huge fear of mine that he's doing this with ease with his new situation.

 

He and I met in 2013 on a medical mission trip. We are both physicians. I didn't get to know him very well then, but I thought he was nice. I knew he was married so I wasn't interested in him romantically. He was actually already separated at that time, but I didn't know that. When our group went back on our trip in 2014, he was divorced and we hit it off. When we came home, he got in touch with me, we started talking, and then dating. Our group goes on this trip every year and it's something that has become a big part of my life. The remainder of the team is composed of an amazing group of people that have become close friends as well. The leader of our group is an amazing man that I respect highly and has become like a father figure to me. He stood up for me when I had some issues late last summer. He reached out to me and invited me to go on the trip this year at the end of April. I thought about not going, because I know my ex will very likely be there. However, this trip and the team is extremely important to me and there is a chance that this will be my last year to be able to go (due to some potential health issues). So I told the leader that I would be there.

 

Our group typically spends a lot of time together when we are there. My ex works very long hours, so typically I would see him at breakfast in the morning and then late in the evening when he comes back from the hospital. So I can certainly limit my time around him if I need to. I am hoping that I will feel better about the situation when the time comes. I don't know. I am already committed to going and wouldn't want to let the leader of our team down. But sometimes when I think about it, I do get very anxious. I worry a lot that he sees me as pathetic because of our last exchange. It's still about 3 months away and I'm hoping to be much further along by then.

[nolanola]

No one should have to go through such pain and anguish. The punishment doesn't fit the crime! Just another ****ty day.

 

Uh oh...what happened? I find some days to be completely terrible but then I'll have a better day right after. A lot of times it's just reminding myself that the really bad times don't last forever and are often like waves. You go up (feeling good), the wave crests, and then you go down (feeling bad). But soon enough, another wave comes along and you get to feeling better again.

 

Here to listen if you want to share...

[Endnote]

That complicates things. When I was getting divorced I was about 6 months out and I heard some **** about my ex, nothing too crazy, but I immediately felt like I was set back to square one. That's why I advocate NC and complete avoidance at all costs, even though for some that's not always possible. I don't have any real world experience on how to handle when you see him again (assuming you go), other than the typical be nice but short and avoid him when you can.

 

 

 

If I was in your position I'd probably not go (if I had to see my ex even for a second on terms that weren't my own then I'd be pretty upset), but seeing that this is very important to you I guess it comes down to deciding if you think you'll be in a good enough place to go without any setbacks from seeing him, even if only for a few minutes. As long as you're going for sure though, I think it'll be really difficult to avoid the anxiety over the situation, and might delay your healing more than you'd like. My 2 cents. Not saying I don't understand, I just know that I'm willing to give up a lot (including things that are important to me) in order to move on from a relationship.

[xweeverx]

Uh oh...what happened? I find some days to be completely terrible but then I'll have a better day right after. A lot of times it's just reminding myself that the really bad times don't last forever and are often like waves. You go up (feeling good), the wave crests, and then you go down (feeling bad). But soon enough, another wave comes along and you get to feeling better again.

 

Here to listen if you want to share...

 

Nothing really happened other than it has just been a tough day of trying to keep my mind off things and struggling not to break NC. Everything seems to lead me down the rabbit hole. My breakup support group starts on Tuesday, so hopefully that will start to get me out of this cycle. I need to get my ruminations under control. I've been through breakups before but this one has really been tough. I have too much time on my hands.

 

Sorry to hear that you are somewhat caught in a catch 22 concerning your trip in 3 months, and having to most likely see your ex. I imagine that you will be better prepared when the time comes. I guess if I were in your shoes, I would just get the hard part out of the way as soon as I got there. Meaning, I would find him day 1, say hello, give a hug, chit chat and then try to stay focused on work. I know, easier said than done. I have been in a similar situation where I had to work with someone I dated. That's a mistake I will never make again (knock on wood).

[nolanola]

Thanks guys. I am hopeful that in 3 months (which is when the trip is), I will be in a much better place. When I think about it, it's been just about 3 months since our big blow up and I am in a MUCH better place than I was at the beginning. I'm still struggling (obviously) but don't cry everyday. So I'm trying to be optimistic that I will be that much better in another 3 months. When I briefly mentioned the possibility of the trip to my therapist and my anxiety about it, she had a good point. She said that he is the one that should feel anxious, because he was the one that hurt me. That helps a little, but I will definitely be working on this with her in the time leading up to the trip. I really haven't given it a huge amount of thought because it's still pretty far off.

 

The group we travel with are all great people and many of them are very good friends. So I have a good escape if I need to focus on things other than him or to take my focus off him. I'm sure I will be venting in the time leading up to it and probably on the trip as well.

 

xweeverx, I totally understand the struggle. Having things to distract is so important. A good book is helpful for me, especially if it's mindless with no romance. It's amazing how much making small changes in your life helps too. I had to take a quick overnight trip tonight and it is so much better being in a different city. I feel like a different person. Not that we can all just go out of town whenever, but trying to find new things so that things seem different.

 

I think I told you this before (I can never remember what I wrote where), but @endnote mentioned a podcast called the Art of Love -- this has been so helpful to me. You can find it on iTunes or youtube. She is very big on no contact and has several episodes where she recounts "success stories" of no contact - in some cases the person got back together with their ex, in other cases the ex came back and the person was over it. It will inspire you to stay NC. I've bookmarked a bunch of them to listen to when I feel sad. I also take screenshots of inspiring things that people post on here to look at -- it really helps. And I promise, it does get better. Not a ton better right away, but I do feel much better than I did at this time in December. And I think I'm at 12 weeks now (the fact that I don't know the exact count off the top of my head is a sign that I'm doing so much better).

 

Come post here any time you're having a bad day or feel like you want to break and we will talk you out of it. I hope you can do something that you enjoy tonight to help you feel better.

[Charlierose30]

It's tough to get that through to my rational brain when it gets emotional. It's kind of pathetic that such a non-contact contact could throw me for such a loop.

 

Nola, it is not pathetic, this is completely normal. I think you're handling this situation of him being in your city extremely well. If that was me, I would be a ball of anxiety so don't beat yourself up. I completely understand juggling your rational vs emotional brain too. Wouldn't it be great if we could switch those emotions off sometimes, just for an hour or two?!

 

This upcoming work trip is a tricky one. On the one hand I tend to think that you should definitely go. Not going because of him, especially when it's something you want and might be your last chance, would be a hard pill to swallow for me. In three months I hope that we all are a whole lot better off than we are now, and we will be. On the other hand, I'm worried this may set you back more than anticipated. I'm with Endnote though, I don't have much real world experience on how to handle seeing him again, but I think this is something that is important to have a solid grasp on before you go if you do go ahead with the trip.

 

Nothing really happened other than it has just been a tough day of trying to keep my mind off things and struggling not to break NC. Everything seems to lead me down the rabbit hole

Xweeverx - Hang in there, you're doing great. I am feeling the same about NC today - so tempted to break it because I'm overtired and coming down with a cold (a.k.a feeling sorry for myself!).

 

The ruminations are the worst, I'm sorry you're going through this. When I start going down the spiral, I make myself go for a walk or a drive. Changing my environment helps, even if I don't feel like doing it at the time! Also, have you heard of the app for your phone called Headspace? It might be something you would like, it has helped me alot.

[nolanola]

I did something kind of bad. I don't know why I did it, but now I feel kind of miserable. It's such a rainy and cold day here and I'm sure that's not helping.

 

My ex does not have any social media. But his company does and they post frequently. The posts are usually related to upcoming events, conferences, that sort of thing. But they also post things about him from time to time because he is very prominent within the company. I used to look at it from time to time when we were still talking because I liked to see what he was up to. But that was how I found out that he was apparently seeing someone a while ago. She had "liked" one of the photos of him and when I clicked on her (I didn't know her) I found her Facebook page, which is when I saw a post where she was saying he was her boyfriend. I also saw a bunch of pictures she had taken from places she said he was taking her to. The weird thing was that there weren't any pictures of him, not even of his back or anything. After I saw that, that was what lead to me texting him and a whole painful back and forth.

 

I hadn't been on the company page since that day, because I was trying to stay away and I didn't want to see something that would upset me. But today, for some reason I went there. I went to the page and looked at all the pictures. He's in there a lot. There are even pictures of him from their Christmas party (I didn't see the woman anywhere). My heart was hammering in my chest the whole time I was looking, just waiting for her to pop up or for something terrible to come out. I did notice that the same woman had "liked" all of the pictures with him in it but at least I had the strength to not click on her page. There is a part of me that wants to do it because maybe that would be the final straw that would just hammer it home to me. But I don't at the same time, because if she had pictures of them together or something I would be heartbroken.

 

I don't know why I did that. It didn't feel good and I had been doing so well. To be honest, I think knowing that he was in my city last week threw me a bit. He looks so normal in all of the pictures and it seems like I am the furthest thing in his mind. I didn't respond to his text at Thanksgiving and it seems like that didn't bother him in the slightest.

 

Having a terrible day. I feel so insignificant to him and it really sucks.

[Beachead]

@Nolanola

 

I remember a time when I was 3.5 months after my breakup. I was about 6 weeks into NC after I broke it.

 

Backstory

 

( She had dropped me a breadcrumb 3 weeks prior regarding a job ad. It messed my head up even though I ignored it and manifested into me trying to reach out to her and I broke my silence. I called her to try and clear the air but she didn't pick up. I left a voicemail. She never returned the call. Few days later I sent her a message on whatsapp knowing I could atleast see if she blocked me or not or if she had read the message. She did. Didn't respond. I send another one asking why she was ignoring me. I knew why. I just wanted her to say it. She told me she promised her new boyfriend (Former ex whom she was on a long break with but ultimately left him for to be with me) that she promised him she wouldn't talk to me again. )

 

Forward 6 weeks. I had been chatting with a life coach about some life issues and about that relationship as well. He told me to unblock her on facebook. I thought it was a bad idea and I was afraid I would see her with him in a picture. I knew it would shatter me. I unblocked her and guess what..the first thing I saw was a picture of her and him as her profile pic. I stared at it for a long time. My heart was broken. I was pissed off. I thought..what a sh*tty idea this therapist gave me. Why did I listen? This was my worst nightmare. I was miserable for weeks. I lost my appetite. I lost weight. I cried. I lost sleep. It gave me chest pains. The whole works. But I didn't block her. I kept her around for another month or so and occasionally I would go back on it just to see that picture. Each time it hurt less and less. Eventually, I became desensitized to it and it didn't matter anymore.

 

Sometimes, we wound ourselves on purpose to help ourselves move on. It's a subconscious thing. Yes, you should maintain NC as best as you can, but if you break it, don't hate yourself for it. Just let it be and flow downstream with the current. The pain of it will still push you in the direction you need to go anyway. It's all process. Also, once you face what you're scared of, it's done. Can't get any worse can it? By lack of choice, you have to just carry on forward whether you want to or not and you'll do it too.

 

Don't sweat. It'll hurt for a short time and then you'll clear up and continue.

 

- Beach

Edited January 23, 2019 by Beachead

[HiCrunchy]

Yeah.

 

I still miss him, but I'm trying to move on.

NC truly doesnt get easier if u really loved him/her.

 

**** life sucks.

[nolanola]

@Nolanola

 

Don't sweat. It'll hurt for a short time and then you'll clear up and continue.

 

- Beach

 

Thanks Beach. I'm seeing my therapist tomorrow and looking forward to talking to her about all this. It just left a bad feeling in my chest. At least I didn't go and look at this woman's page. Although I did search for him in Facebook, I think because I was thinking I would stumble on a picture of them in a backhand way. Not smart, but there weren't any. Just a bunch of other pictures (ironically a bunch from my page that I had not deleted I guess), some of them of him at a charity event. Which made me even sadder.

 

But I'll get back on the horse and try to keep going.