Ugh, NC never gets any easier

[Fair]

NC isn't supposed to be easy. It's NOT easy, but you have to do it. We deserve so much better than the crap people want to dish out to us... consider the break up as a win because it IS a win. This guy didn't appreciate you. He tossed you over but still wanted to keep you around as a friend so he could USE you for sex until he found someone else.

 

I'm going NC right now. And I'm healing fast. To help me along I've been listening to things like this... I'll post a link and hopefully it encourages you to keep going.

 

 

Edited January 5, 2019 by Fair

[Charlierose30]

Hi Nolanola,

 

I’m sorry things seem a bit bleak for you right now. I had the same situation the other day with an email that my ex was cc’d on, regarding a wedding we were meant to be attending together in a few weeks. And I sat there wondering if he noticed my name too. We’re in the same boat!

I often wonder if my ex hates me or is angry with me too. I think because I was the one to set boundaries regarding contact, so when I don’t hear from him I start to feel guilty and like I’ve upset him. But he’s not angry. Most likely he’s getting in with things and living his life without me (as is his choice!).

 

What can we do to get you out of feeling blue? The last few days I’ve been reading lots - no romance novels, of course! But distracting myself with a good book in the bath or in bed has been helping.

[xweeverx]

Today I unfriended my ex on FB and removed all pictures of us from the account. Not only time consuming, but also having to go through each pic to delete was just another trip down memory lane. I guess just another step in the process of letting go. 6 years of pictures and posts. I also decided to unfriend her family members, which broke my heart all over. Was very close with her family, but they are just another reminder. :-(

[Naivewomen]

I have been in an on again off again affair for over 3 years with a former co worker. He was caught last in Sept. 2017. We were both in a complete fog. The affair completely got out of our own control. We both fought so hard to stay away from each other, knowing all well we had two amazing spouses. The connection both emotional and pshycial was ever so powerful. We were both raised well and have good morals and values. We kept justifying them believing this was true love. I still believe it that's my problem. But at no point did I want him to leave his wife and 3 small children nor did I want to inflict this pain on my husband and children. I was very overwhelmed with emotion for this man. I started therapy a year ago and maybe I was given the right advise. My therapist told me eventhough it's wrong if it's TRUE love then there is nothing u can do. I kept allowing the emotions to run deeper into my soul. He continued strengthening his marriage once he got caught. He was committed to her happiness and I continued shoving my spouse away. I was partly honest with my husband and told him last year to please find someone to make u happy because its cant be me and I want to give you the chance of happiness. I took my ring off and asked for a separation. Thought of the love I felt for the other man was so.strong it wasnt fair to my husband. He deserved better. Well social media continued to prove otherwise. The ex was enjoying the double life. I wasnt a thought while he was home. He played me well. I was breaking apart everyday for so long. My family and I took a trip to Bahamas the ex was full of envy and jealousy and when I came back. He was distant. I sent him a lovely heartfelt email explaining that I must give the man I married a try and fix my life. I ended it in July. I went NC for a month then back to emailing. In August, we completely ended it. He couldnt take that I went back. How selfish?? He never left. So he has been lightly stalking me and had reappeared 2 weeks ago via phone call. It was pleasant and I knew he was fishing to see of I would cave to his voice. I remained strong. He told me I will love u forever. So back deep intrusive thoughts swirl. This past Wed. He drove to local coffee shop by work to see me. He didnt get out. Just beeped. What's going on here?? Help!!! I walked away with integrity after all the pain he caused my life which I allowed. I'm deeply confused. Dont want to spiral downward again. I do love him.

[nolanola]

Hey guys, rough days for all of us right now!! I am ok. I got a good night's sleep and that seems to help a lot. I actually think morning is the worst. Those few moments when you wake up and realize your reality, as opposed to whatever dream you were having. But then I get up and start moving around and the sun is shining, so that helps. My next few weeks are super busy between work stuff and some personal health stuff, so I hope all that will distract me a lot. I also gained a few pounds, I think, during the holiday that just showed up, so that makes me feel bad. But I'm doing pretty well sticking to my NY resolutions, so that's a plus.

 

Charlierose30, how is it going staying NC? You and I are both working on boundaries...I mostly feel good about mine, but it's tough setting a boundary in the absence of any kind of response from him. I really don't know how he feels, but I guess it ultimately doesn't matter, because I know I did the right thing. Even if it doesn't feel right all the time. I hate the thought of someone being mad at me, or thinking I'm "crazy", but I know I didn't do anything mean or hateful. I only said what I should have said a long time ago and refused to answer some BS. If he hates me for that, I would be sad, but I think it would be undeserved. Or maybe he doesn't think about me at all. Who knows.

 

Xweeverx, I can relate. You are doing the right thing in removing your ex from Facebook. I know it doesn't feel right, but you will heal faster. I'm so sorry about her family though. That really sucks. You're right though -- those ties to your ex will only make you sad when you see an update from them or if they post pictures of her or something. I hope you've got something to occupy your time today so you don't feel blue.

[nolanola]

Naivewoman, I don't have any experience with affairs personally, but from what I understand many of them resemble an addiction. With the high from the contact and interaction and the low from the isolation, lying, and mistrust. People seek out the high and wind up destroying their marriages, families, everything for it. I totally disagree with your therapist. I don't know what true love means, unless we're talking about a romance novel. Yes, we fall in love with people and you can't really help it when that happens. But, we have the choice to stand up for ourselves and to value our dignity above the high of a relationship.

 

You did the right thing in walking away from this man, even though it hurts a lot right now. I think you are going to have to set some boundaries with him if you want to really get distance. Meaning, telling him to stop calling, stop seeking you out. Not an easy thing to do, but as long as he keeps showing up in your life you will be trapped in this cycle for a really long time. He doesn't want to leave his marriage for you, but doesn't want to be with you either.

[xweeverx]

Hey guys, rough days for all of us right now!! I am ok. I got a good night's sleep and that seems to help a lot. I actually think morning is the worst. Those few moments when you wake up and realize your reality, as opposed to whatever dream you were having. But then I get up and start moving around and the sun is shining, so that helps. My next few weeks are super busy between work stuff and some personal health stuff, so I hope all that will distract me a lot. I also gained a few pounds, I think, during the holiday that just showed up, so that makes me feel bad. But I'm doing pretty well sticking to my NY resolutions, so that's a plus.

 

Xweeverx, I can relate. You are doing the right thing in removing your ex from Facebook. I know it doesn't feel right, but you will heal faster. I'm so sorry about her family though. That really sucks. You're right though -- those ties to your ex will only make you sad when you see an update from them or if they post pictures of her or something. I hope you've got something to occupy your time today so you don't feel blue.

 

Glad to hear you have some distractions in the near future. Those can really help. I can really relate to that mornings are the worst. It has been getting better, but for a while I would have dreams that I was together with my ex (not broken up) and then waking up to reality. IT was like breaking up over and over several times in one week. I'm staying with some friends in another state for a bit to get a change of scenery, but i'm not real excited to back to CO next week. Maybe today is a good day for a massage.... Thanks NOLA!

[Naivewomen]

Naivewoman, I don't have any experience with affairs personally, but from what I understand many of them resemble an addiction. With the high from the contact and interaction and the low from the isolation, lying, and mistrust. People seek out the high and wind up destroying their marriages, families, everything for it. I totally disagree with your therapist. I don't know what true love means, unless we're talking about a romance novel. Yes, we fall in love with people and you can't really help it when that happens. But, we have the choice to stand up for ourselves and to value our dignity above the high of a relationship.

 

You did the right thing in walking away from this man, even though it hurts a lot right now. I think you are going to have to set some boundaries with him if you want to really get distance. Meaning, telling him to stop calling, stop seeking you out. Not an easy thing to do, but as long as he keeps showing up in your life you will be trapped in this cycle for a really long time. He doesn't want to leave his marriage for you, but doesn't want to be with you either.

Thank you so much for your reply. Then if he doesnt want to leave his wife for me. Why doesn't he just let me GO!! Its so awful to see the push and pull of what hes doing to me.

[nolanola]

Naivewoman, have you read through the Other Man/Other woman thread? I think you will get a lot more answers there. I don't know why he won't let you go. My best guess? He wants to keep the ego boost of having you around.

 

However, you are not a bystander in this situation. You have the power to cut that off. I suspect you don't want to because you like the validation as well. Just a guess. But you need to stop seeing yourself as a victim here. He comes around again because you let him. If you really don't want to continue the affair, then you need to cut it off. He probably won't, unless his wife finds out and then he might drop you like a hot potato. And that will really hurt.

 

Do what's best for you and try not to overthink why he does what he does. I know it's hard, we all do it. But in the end, it doesn't matter why he won't let you go. He isn't trying to be with you or to get out of his marriage. So everything else is moot.

[Naivewomen]

Thank you so much for your reply. Then if he doesnt want to leave his wife for me. Why doesn't he just let me GO!! Its so awful to see the push and pull of what hes doing to me.

 

Naivewoman, have you read through the Other Man/Other woman thread? I think you will get a lot more answers there. I don't know why he won't let you go. My best guess? He wants to keep the ego boost of having you around.

 

However, you are not a bystander in this situation. You have the power to cut that off. I suspect you don't want to because you like the validation as well. Just a guess. But you need to stop seeing yourself as a victim here. He comes around again because you let him. If you really don't want to continue the affair, then you need to cut it off. He probably won't, unless his wife finds out and then he might drop you like a hot potato. And that will really hurt.

 

Do what's best for you and try not to overthink why he does what he does. I know it's hard, we all do it. But in the end, it doesn't matter why he won't let you go. He isn't trying to be with you or to get out of his marriage. So everything else is moot.

Great advice!! I will read those threads. The thing that boggles my mind is his wife did find out about us. He called me in front of her and said we cant speak anymore my wife believes we are having an emotional affair. We stopped speaking for a week. That was a year ago. So if he didnt jave feelings for me he would have completely tried to repair his marriage and woke up. We continued on for a year more under heavy surveillance. I need to completely cut this off no matter how it hurts. Thank you!

[Naivewomen]

Thank you so much for your reply. Then if he doesnt want to leave his wife for me. Why doesn't he just let me GO!! Its so awful to see the push and pull of what hes doing to me.

 

Naivewoman, have you read through the Other Man/Other woman thread? I think you will get a lot more answers there. I don't know why he won't let you go. My best guess? He wants to keep the ego boost of having you around.

 

However, you are not a bystander in this situation. You have the power to cut that off. I suspect you don't want to because you like the validation as well. Just a guess. But you need to stop seeing yourself as a victim here. He comes around again because you let him. If you really don't want to continue the affair, then you need to cut it off. He probably won't, unless his wife finds out and then he might drop you like a hot potato. And that will really hurt.

 

Do what's best for you and try not to overthink why he does what he does. I know it's hard, we all do it. But in the end, it doesn't matter why he won't let you go. He isn't trying to be with you or to get out of his marriage. So everything else is moot.

Great advice!! I will read those threads. The thing that boggles my mind is his wife did find out about us. He called me in front of her and said we cant speak anymore my wife believes we are having an emotional affair. We stopped speaking for a week. That was a year ago. So if he didnt jave feelings for me he would have completely tried to repair his marriage and woke up. We continued on for a year more under heavy surveillance. I need to completely cut this off no matter how it hurts. Thank you!

[PolyPocket]

So YES, I reached out to her, and NO, I didn't really get the response I desired. Your approach of setting requirements for them to meet before YOU allow contact is a great idea! I think I read in one of your posts that your break happened this past Thanksgiving, so you and I are on the same time frame. I got the boot over that same weekend. Thanks Poly!

 

Hello, I'm sorry for the last response, but I'm glad there are more people joining this conversation. Yes, you are correct. We did break-up thanksgiving week so the holidays were pretty hard for me. The hardest part was dealing with my family. My sister met someone a month before me and my ex broke up and they became official after 2 months. Her boyfriend was invited over to our parents' house to meet the family on New Years eve, and I had to deal with seeing their relationship progress into something me and my ex never had. I have never felt lonelier. It's like being invited to a wedding shortly after a painful divorce. I didn't want my sister to feel like I was not happy for her, but everything that's been going on with her relationship just reminds me that mine failed. I don't know how to be happy for her. I feel like a horrible person because I know my sister wants to share and talk to me about her relationship....we're best friends after all....but most of the time I'm just shut down and silent. Is this normal? This break up gets me in all different emotional mess.

 

I came up with my NC requirement a couple of days after me and my ex started talking. I really wanted to reach out to him to "finalize" things for closure, but it came to me that that's not what I really wanted. What I want was to be back with him, but since he wasn't making any effort either, I felt it wouldn't do any good. He was...and still is....my weakness, and I feel like I'd be in the brink of begging if I see him, so I decided to stay silent. That's when I thought not talk to him unless I know for sure that he wants the same thing I do. I'm happy to hear it helps you though, but don't blame yourself for falling off the wagon every once in a while. You were with your ex far longer than I was with mine, so I no one here is expecting for you to forget about her that easily.

[PolyPocket]

I relate to what you say SO much. Very similar to my situation. The ending with my guy felt really open as well, although the longer that we don't speak to each other, the more final it seems. Basically what happened with me is that he and I had been in this weird grey zone for the past 2 years and I had really hoped that he would "get ready" and want to be in a relationship. I felt him start pulling away in the summer, but that had happened from time to time in the past and I thought maybe things were crazy with his work and his kids. {snip}

Wow Nola, we are so much alike with our exes. Both I'm glad I found you here, it certainly helps to know I'm not alone in this situation.

 

I still think about my ex these days, somehow I couldn't erase him off my mind. I've tried going back to online dating to meet new people, but I find I'm not really in the mood to date anyone right now. I was supposed to go on a date this weekend, but I didn't feel committed to the plan so I decided to just stay home. Does this get any easier? Is this normal? I know the best thing for me is to move on from my ex, and even though I've been successful with NC I find that mentally I'm still stuck. I couldn't get pass the hurt and missing him.

 

I have a bitterness over his ex.....that poor girl that I don't even know in person.....because she was the one who broke his heart. She got the commitment and I got the sh**. She got the best of him, and I got his broken version. I wanted to be in an honest happy relationship with him and she left him, and I'm the one falling apart over it. Was that fair? I hate to ask somehow, but I just don't understand why it happened to me.

 

Anyway. I'm glad more people are coming here to join the conversation. Reading everyone's story sure helps a lot. Can I ask, are you still hoping for your ex to come back? Do you still wish he's out there missing you?

I know we're supposed to hate them, but somehow I can't shake this feeling.

Edited January 6, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[nolanola]

Hi PolyPocket! I think I said this before, but I get happy when I see posts from people I've come to "know" on this board. It's really, really comforting to know that others feel so similar to me. As for your question: Can I ask, are you still hoping for your ex to come back? Do you still wish he's out there missing you? I wish I could say no. That I have moved on and don't think about him and what he's doing or thinking. But there is a tiny part of me that wishes he would wake up one day and decide to get in touch with me and not just to send some dumb text. It's hard for me to reconcile the person that I knew for over 4 years that was so kind with what I think is going on right now. And also, as shameful as this is to admit, when I ignored him at Thanksgiving, I secretly hoped he would think "Red Alert! I'm losing her!!" and was disappointed when he said nothing else. Even though my rational brain knows that I am doing the right thing in staying away and trying to heal my hurt. I remember one of my good friends from graduate school told her ex that she couldn't talk to him anymore until she got to the point that she didn't think of him every day. I've always liked that idea, although it seems so hard right now.

 

As for your attempts at dating, I can't even go there right now. I've never had a ton of success on online dating and the thought of trying to do that now depresses me to no end. I would just like to heal my hurt. There is a part of me that would love to meet someone so that my ex might hear about it and feel bad, but that's not a good reason. It makes for good things to think about when you can't sleep at night, but it's not very practical.

 

I totally relate to what you said about your sister. A friend of mine just got engaged and I am very happy for her. But it makes me sad too. I just feel like it's not in the cards for me.

 

Funny story (it was NOT funny at the time, but I can laugh about it now): I had just broken up with my previous boyfriend, who was terrible, but I was devastated. He had just started dating someone new and I had to see him all the time. I went to a cabin in North Carolina for a bachelorette weekend for a friend of mine. I distinctly remember crying on the plane on the way there, that's how bad it was. When I got there, I realized all the other women were married (except the bachelorette, but she was almost married). One of them was very recently married and was very excited about it. Literally, to get to know each other, they wanted to go around and say how they met their husbands!! The newly married woman said "we should have worn our wedding dresses!". It was the worst weekend of my life. So, yeah, I totally get the feeling of loneliness.

 

BUT...we aren't alone. We're in the same boat with so many others. I just made a really nice dinner and am planning to go to bed early and I am very happy with my Saturday plans.

[nolanola]

So I thought I had deleted the messages we had exchanged back at the end of October, when everything kind of came to a head, but I guess they archived on my computer. I was looking for something else and came across them and of course I read them. The last real texts we exchanged were terrible and I told him how much he hurt me and how I felt like he had just run over me. To me, how upset I was was pretty clear and he must have known because he said he was sorry for hurting me and that he couldn't understand how I could feel like he had run over me.

Then, when I see the text he sent me at Thanksgiving, it's so confusing. It seems like nothing even happened, like he was just checking in with a friend. I had always thought that he was kind of fishing to see if I was still mad at him with that text but it was so weird to see it next to the other texts. It's just breadcrumbs, right? He can't be that stupid or dense. I have NEVER not answered one of his messages before this, so I don't know how to judge this situation -- the fact that he said nothing after I didn't reply. It just feels like he was like "oh, well, forget about her...back to this other, much more awesome woman I'm spending time with".

 

I have been doing really well and just feel like I just fell 10 steps back.

[MetallicHue]

 

Funny story (it was NOT funny at the time, but I can laugh about it now): I had just broken up with my previous boyfriend, who was terrible, but I was devastated. He had just started dating someone new and I had to see him all the time. I went to a cabin in North Carolina for a bachelorette weekend for a friend of mine. I distinctly remember crying on the plane on the way there, that's how bad it was. When I got there, I realized all the other women were married (except the bachelorette, but she was almost married). One of them was very recently married and was very excited about it. Literally, to get to know each other, they wanted to go around and say how they met their husbands!! The newly married woman said "we should have worn our wedding dresses!". It was the worst weekend of my life. So, yeah, I totally get the feeling of loneliness.

 

BUT...we aren't alone. We're in the same boat with so many others. I just made a really nice dinner and am planning to go to bed early and I am very happy with my Saturday plans.

 

I’m sure you’ll meet the right guy sometime. Things just work out the way they do for a reason. Hopefully before you know it you’ll be finding that special somebody and that Thanksgiving will be so far behind you won’t even remember it.

[nolanola]

Thanks, MetallicHue. I'm just having a very rough night. I know healing is not linear, but at times like this I feel like I have not made any progress. I appreciate the kind words, though.

[PolyPocket]

So I thought I had deleted the messages we had exchanged back at the end of October, when everything kind of came to a head, but I guess they archived on my computer. I was looking for something else and came across them and of course I read them. The last real texts we exchanged were terrible and I told him how much he hurt me and how I felt like he had just run over me. To me, how upset I was was pretty clear and he must have known because he said he was sorry for hurting me and that he couldn't understand how I could feel like he had run over me.

Then, when I see the text he sent me at Thanksgiving, it's so confusing. It seems like nothing even happened, like he was just checking in with a friend. I had always thought that he was kind of fishing to see if I was still mad at him with that text but it was so weird to see it next to the other texts. It's just breadcrumbs, right? He can't be that stupid or dense. I have NEVER not answered one of his messages before this, so I don't know how to judge this situation -- the fact that he said nothing after I didn't reply. It just feels like he was like "oh, well, forget about her...back to this other, much more awesome woman I'm spending time with".

 

I have been doing really well and just feel like I just fell 10 steps back.

 

Somehow I feel relief for you reading this because at least you got to tell him how you feel. I never got the luxury of telling my ex how much he hurt me. In a way I think he knew by the way I ended it a couple of months ago before we got back together, but the truth is I got tired of always being the one making the effort to communicate so I just stayed silent this time around. The fact that he didn't acknowledged my silence showed me that he didn't care at all, but I don't believe he is dense to what happened. Maybe he just didn't want to deal with it anymore either and that kinda makes me angry. Why did he even call me for another chance if he wouldn't make the effort to make things better? And on top of it all, if it wasn't working out for him, he could've ended it properly instead of letting me be silent. Like you, I'm feeling the setback more and more too.

 

I can't judge whether or not your ex was handing breadcrumbs. Did it feel that way to you? I feel like it's a similar situation with my ex where he just doesn't think it's important enough to deal with, so they just left it as it is. This is probably why I keep coming back to the idea that it will hit them someday.....realizing what they lost.....because they had some time to mend what was broken and they decided to leave it alone. I've been reading a lot of threads here about others taking their SO for granted and wanting them back, and I'd be lying if I told you that I don't want the same story for me. I do. I know you do too. But that is probably why we have to be stronger and keep the distance. NC is hard, no doubt, but I feel like that's the only choice we've got. We just have to make the best of it.

 

Cheer up sweetie. I'm here for you. Feel free to PM me if you need to vent. I'm sure I need it too.

Edited January 6, 2019 by PolyPocket

[xweeverx]

So I thought I had deleted the messages we had exchanged back at the end of October, when everything kind of came to a head, but I guess they archived on my computer. I was looking for something else and came across them and of course I read them. The last real texts we exchanged were terrible and I told him how much he hurt me and how I felt like he had just run over me. To me, how upset I was was pretty clear and he must have known because he said he was sorry for hurting me and that he couldn't understand how I could feel like he had run over me.

Then, when I see the text he sent me at Thanksgiving, it's so confusing. It seems like nothing even happened, like he was just checking in with a friend. I had always thought that he was kind of fishing to see if I was still mad at him with that text but it was so weird to see it next to the other texts. It's just breadcrumbs, right? He can't be that stupid or dense. I have NEVER not answered one of his messages before this, so I don't know how to judge this situation -- the fact that he said nothing after I didn't reply. It just feels like he was like "oh, well, forget about her...back to this other, much more awesome woman I'm spending time with".

 

I have been doing really well and just feel like I just fell 10 steps back.

 

I hate coming across stuff on my computer that reminds me of my ex. That Thanksgiving text your guy sent was a test message to see if things had calmed down. If you are not hearing the words you want to hear from him, then no reason to read into anything, or expect anything, or break NC. Humans (in general) don't want to have enemies, not even ex GFs, so they try to establish some form of friendship (at some point) in order to make THEMSELVES feel better. Again, in my opinion, him reaching out to you was in an effort to make himself feel better, not to send any sort of underlying message. God, I know this sucks. You seem like a strong person, so I imagine you didn't break NC, but if you did, it's ok. We all have our weak moments. I wish there was a quicker way to reach out to people on this site in order to get some support, but I know that can be another mess in itself. UGH!

 

Today was really the true first day of NC for me, and I felt it for sure. The past 6 weeks my ex and I have had several reasons that we had to communicate after the breakup, but today was the first day that there was really nothing left to say or settle. Brutal.

[Endnote]

Hey @nolanola, can't give you much inspiration tonight but I can relate. I don't have anything left to remind me of my ex, I only saved the email she sent me to end the relationship. I went and read it earlier this week. Didn't really have an emotional setback in that moment. But they still come and go. There are times during the week (they usually only last a couple of minutes) where I just feel like dying. I don't want to kill myself, nothing of that sort, but my emotions just bring me down and drive me to feel isolated and alone. But I'm not really alone. These moments they come and go, sometimes it feels like it might never end. But we know it does. Think about your toxic ex, much like me with my ex wife, with time we eventually got over that, but only by staying away. Eventually we met our current exes. Heh.

 

 

Anyhow, everything you talk about when it comes to how you feel is a reflection of both what I felt and how I'm feeling. I don't understand why my ex hasn't reached out or how she walked away with such ease. Maybe she's thinking of me, maybe she's with someone else. I don't know, I'd prefer not to know until I could care less. That's not happening any time soon. I don't know why your recent ex did what he did, but it just seems like you gave him what he needed and he felt it was enough to keep you around. It just sounds like you deserve so much better, even if you had a part by letting him get what he wanted/needed. I've never strung a girl along like that in my life, it's why I didn't date for a year after my divorce and why I haven't been doing so after my current breakup, because I have enough integrity and foresight to know that I'm not looking to hurt someone when I'm not over an ex.

 

 

 

Just the other day I met a girl my age at my support group who's going through divorce after 15 years of being with her ex (only a couple of years married, but still, her ex left her). She and I got talking and related about how much it sucks - the process of moving on, the feelings of abandonment, the wonder of what the hell to do next. I almost mustered up the courage to ask her out, but I decided against it for a couple of reasons, we're both still getting over our sh*t, meaning I'm not ready - and our support group discourages dating within the group.

 

 

Through all this, there will be good times ahead, I'm just not feeling it now. I may be a couple months ahead of you in terms of moving on, but I still struggle with ruminating on the past, and fantasizing about my ex's unlikely return. And what would that change? She broke up with me over email after 7 years, she clearly lacks the integrity to at least do this to my face (she'd probably do it again). Just as your ex lacks the integrity to give you real exclusivity.

 

 

I read this thread everyday, and check on here daily, don't always have much to say because I'm staying focused on NC, and honestly just following my own advice, which mirrors what we all know to be the right thing to do. I know what you and some of the others here are going through emotionally, wish I could say more to make us all feel better. But I'll settle for relating to someone across the nation.

 

 

Also I watched Swingers for the first time after you talked about it on another thread, such a great film, that first scene you described was perfect. Great recommendation.

[xweeverx]

All I can think of is how stupid this breakup is. 6 years and not one time was

a "break" ever discussed.

 

Are second chances a things of the past? Are all the fekkin self-help youtube vids now so anti-male that it's no longer believable that a man can realize, learn, and make changes?

 

There was not one problem in our relationship that we were not capable of fixing. :mad:

[xweeverx]

Hello, I'm sorry for the last response, but I'm glad there are more people joining this conversation. Yes, you are correct. We did break-up thanksgiving week so the holidays were pretty hard for me. The hardest part was dealing with my family. My sister met someone a month before me and my ex broke up and they became official after 2 months. Her boyfriend was invited over to our parents' house to meet the family on New Years eve, and I had to deal with seeing their relationship progress into something me and my ex never had. I have never felt lonelier. It's like being invited to a wedding shortly after a painful divorce. I didn't want my sister to feel like I was not happy for her, but everything that's been going on with her relationship just reminds me that mine failed. I don't know how to be happy for her. I feel like a horrible person because I know my sister wants to share and talk to me about her relationship....we're best friends after all....but most of the time I'm just shut down and silent. Is this normal? This break up gets me in all different emotional mess.

 

I came up with my NC requirement a couple of days after me and my ex started talking. I really wanted to reach out to him to "finalize" things for closure, but it came to me that that's not what I really wanted. What I want was to be back with him, but since he wasn't making any effort either, I felt it wouldn't do any good. He was...and still is....my weakness, and I feel like I'd be in the brink of begging if I see him, so I decided to stay silent. That's when I thought not talk to him unless I know for sure that he wants the same thing I do. I'm happy to hear it helps you though, but don't blame yourself for falling off the wagon every once in a while. You were with your ex far longer than I was with mine, so I no one here is expecting for you to forget about her that easily.

 

We cannot help when these things happen, and in some cases it even reflects the true character of the ex, especially if they are the dumper. There is never really a good time to go through this, so don't be too hard on yourself. Some day, you will have laugh with your sister about the bad timing of your break. I can relate though...having to not only go through a breakup during the holidays, but also a sister's wedding, ugh.... Sending hugs and love. We'll get through this stupid shiatsu soon.

[Charlierose30]

I also watched Swingers the other day on your recommendation Nolanola, it is a great film! Isn’t it funny how we can help each other out and share things like that and it’s all because we are in the same or similar situations. I take some comfort in knowing I’m not the only one feeling this way.

 

Nolanola, you’ve got to let yourself feel how you feel. Please don’t beat yourself up for feeling like you’ve taken a backwards step, you’re doing so well and you need to be kind to yourself and give yourself some credit. This stuff is tough. But you’re tougher, and we are not going to let our ex’s get the better of us. We’re not. Just because they didn’t appreciate what they had, that’s their stupid mistake. Coming across messages like that is not nice at all. Judging by the change of tone in the message at Thanksgiving, I would say he was breadcrumbing. Seeing if you’re still on the hook/feeling nostalgic etc etc. so I think it’s really good that you didn’t respond.

 

I’ve had a bit of a rough day too. I need to get in touch with my ex regarding a joint bank account we still have. I’ve been putting it off and putting it off but I think I’m going to have to message him about it. And as much as I secretly want to talk to him, I’m terrified and the thought fills me with dread. I might just put it off for another few days...

 

Now that Christmas and New Years are over, I’m missing him more and more. Is anyone else feeling the same?

[nolanola]

Thanks so much everyone. You have no idea how much your words help me this morning. I just had such a low day yesterday. I did not break NC -- sometimes the only thing that keeps me going in that direction is not wanting to give my ex the satisfaction of knowing that I'm feeling sad or thinking about him. Yesterday I had the day off and didn't have anything really planned, although I did do some things around my house. I think the loneliness of it all, especially in the evening, added to finding those text messages.

 

I appreciate all of your thoughts on what I said. I do think he was testing me with the message at Thanksgiving, although it seems so odd looking at it next to the other messages. I agree that he is probably uncomfortable with the thought that someone doesn't think very highly of him and/or was trying to see if I was open to communicating with him. I've been really good about trying to reinforce to myself that if he doesn't communicate in a manner that is what I deserve then it doesn't deserve a response and it need to stick to this and remind myself over and over.

 

I'm off to work now but I wanted to say how much I appreciate the thread. I re-read your thoughts often because it helps so much. And also, I feel like I need to re-watch Swingers again now!!

[Rayce]

@nolanola you were brave to read those messages. I can only see the ones I sent in my mind and I get all upset. Your story like so many others here is so similar to mine. It's so complicated and my mind feels like a complete mess. It's been such a hard week for me too. Truth be told I am not feeling any closure to being over my ex. I think this week has been the hardest of NC. Frist I found his new YouTube page (I didn't watch any of the new videos though). I read some email that we exchanged last February. Last night I visited one of his daughters social media page... there was new sweet picture of him with his daughter and grandkids. My heart really melted at that one.

 

I am staying NC... its the right thing to do.