Ugh, NC never gets any easier

[Twizzlestick]

Thanks Nolanola.

 

This month has turned into the month from hell. I’ve a lot on at work that is stressing me out, plus the docs have found some Er “irregularities” they want to send me for testing on. It’s all a perfect storm for feeling stressed out. The pain of the rele actually preceded this month so having challenges of course, adds to the disquiet and vacant despairing remorse of the lost past. Basically I just miss her terribly.

 

I do feel better for stepping back from dating. I don’t think I’ll stop going on dates totally but will take a break for a few weeks. The lady I met was very full on very quickly and I can see I’m not receptive emotionally, certainly not to something fast and that was too fast. I do enjoy chatting to girls who aren’t so hyper fast and just enjoying their company. Like you say, it makes you feel a bit human again.

 

Funnily enough you mention, as much as the anxiety it has triggered (to be honest I was already suffering with my ex knowing she moved, so not sure the card is solely responsible) I don’t regret at all sending that short card. I’ve given it some thought as to why.

 

I maintained NC religiously for months. It became something of a “thing” for me. Although I was within my rights not to wish her well on her big birthday, my silence during that, it jarred. It still does. Sending my card months later didn’t feel like breaking contact, it still doesn’t. She can’t infer much of my feelings from it. It was short, polite and a nice pic wishing her well on a move I was involved with helping her achieve. It felt like the right thing to do, for me and was the first she’d heard of me in 7 months and asked no response of her. I genuinely wished her well. That was it really. Having sent it I feel at peace that I did it. I honestly can’t explain it. I wouldn’t recommend anyone follow my lead though ha.

[nolanola]

My Dad is in AA and has been for years and often shares a lot of their wisdom. One thing they say a lot is "take what you like and leave the rest", meaning that you take the advice that helps you and might leave other parts. I think NC is helpful for putting distance between yourself and the emotions and hopefully helping you to move on and heal, but it doesn't have to be dogma for everyone.

 

I feel better being NC and not trying to pretend that I'm ok with casually being in my ex's life - that was too hard, especially knowing that he was able to do it much easier than I was. I still struggle sometimes, because I do miss his friendship sometimes, so I understand that feeling. It is hard to accept that someone we have loved is now just a stranger to us. For me, with other exes, it made sense for me to think of loving them from a distance. Meaning that I could wish them the best and care about them even while accepting that they were in a different place in their lives that didn't include me. I'm not there with this recent ex and I think that is ok.

 

One thing I have been working on with my therapist is what my situation with my ex meant to me, other than just him. Because, I think, for me, he was more than just him. He is a very successful, brilliant, accomplished person and I know I'm not the only person that idealizes him - I think I felt so excited that he chose me or that he was attracted to me. I have long felt like an odd duck because I don't have that "person" in my life - I haven't even been divorced! It's a deep underlying insecurity of mine that I haven't been chosen, so having HIM choose me was deeply gratifying I think. So losing him was more than just losing him - it meant losing that person that chose me and solidifying the belief that I'm not worthy of being chosen. I made it so much about me and so much less about him. Talking to my therapist, she really helped me see that although he has many great qualities, he's emotionally unavailable and can be passive and somewhat cowardly. So much of what happened was about those things and not about my failings as a person. I am now trying to work on the underlying beliefs that brought me to this place. I think, until I can answer these things, I'm not cut out to have a healthy relationship with anyone.

 

I'm glad you feel ok about your contact with your ex. Closure is a funny thing. We often think we need someone to give it to us, but maybe for you it is just knowing that you've left things in the best place that you can so that you can start working on moving on in your life. I hope it works out for you and that things with work and health get better.

[Endnote]

Hey all, I have not posted in a couple of months because I have been so busy. Last I posted my ex came by and got her stuff no drama no contact etc. Nothing has come up since, but one day I activated my facebook to look into a concert that was coming up and the first picture on my timeline was of my ex and our mutual friend. My ex had gained somewhere between 10-15 lbs. More than enough to see that she clearly has not been working on herself. It kind of made me feel better about the situation because like my ex-wife, the breakup has left my ex in a worse position, while I have moved on to decidely better things.

 

@nolanola I saw you describe in another thread how it took you nearly a year to grieve that one crazy ex you had. I've def had my ups and downs this year and while I still have moments of depression and anxiety from my breakup I'm unsurprisingly doing much better than I was a year ago. I passed the year mark yesterday and now I'm kind of unsure of how I want to proceed in future relationships. What I've found is that once you stop making personal growth a priority and you focus too much on the other person you will risk losing their interest. While I was not letting myself go or trying to sabotage the relationship, the neediness and anxiety I exhibited along with how she acted the last year of the relationship contributed to it's demise. Suffice to say I'm much more weary of getting into another relationship where I give more than I should, and unfortunately a lot of people in modern times don't want to put in the work that I am willing to when it comes to making an LTR succeed.

 

This has made it easier for me to accept that I'm perfectly fine continuing to be single for a while, though if something came around I might try giving something a shot. In all honesty I've done so much this year that I can't imagine what life would have been like if I was still stuck in a crumbling LTR. I've been to other countries gone to more concerts than I can count on my fingers and toes and I'm going to New York and Hawaii back to back in a couple of weeks. Not to mention I've got my roomates now that have brought some positivity to my life, and also their 3 cats which are a fun pain in the ass!

 

All this stuff coupled with how crazy work's been has made it harder for me to post on here though I generally check once a week. I think there's a lot of good advice on this forum and I can't stop advocating for complete NC to move on, I hope that people who come around here that're new will look at our situations and understand that their emotional state is merely temporary, and whether there be future relationships or not, you can keep doing things to enjoy your life even if some things you desire are out of your reach, because there are still things that can make your life equally fulfilling. Hope all is well with everyone.

 

Oh btw if an ex ever hits you with that bs (my ex has not FYI) "I miss you", hit'em back with the good old "I'd miss me too."

[nolanola]

Hey @Endnote!! Good to see you. You sound like you are in a really good place - that is awesome!! That is pretty funny about your ex - I read something about that not too long ago. A woman had been dumped by her boyfriend and was devastated, but she put a lot of effort into looking inward and working on herself. She ran into him like a year or something later and he was exactly the same person he was when they broke up, while she had grown so much. She realized then that she had outgrown him and was able to move on right then and there. I hope for the same for myself and I am glad that you were able to see that.

 

I feel really the same as you about dating. In my dreams, I would meet someone that "gets me" and really wants to be with me. My last few relationships, it has felt like I have been the one wanting it more than the other person or at the least, putting in more energy and emotion into it. Maybe, like you say, I focused way too much on the other person at the detriment of myself and my growth. I know I did with my recent ex. I was so afraid I would lose him that I tried to be perfect and not to mess anything up. I was terrified I would make a wrong move and cause him to not want to be with me anymore. It's hard not to think that was what happened, that it was something about me that wasn't enough, but I am also able to see more that he has his own issues. Which are none of my business. Like my Dad says "focus on keeping your side of the street clean". So I am trying just to work on myself and to accept that I have no say in what he does or who he does it with.

 

I'm still a few months from a year. My birthday is this week and I must admit it's in the back of my mind whether he remembers this. I'm not really expecting to hear anything as he didn't say anything at Christmas or New Years for the first time in 5 years but it's in the back of my mind. I don't think it will upset me too much though because what could he say? Saying happy birthday won't undo anything that has happened.

[nolanola]

It's been a long time since I've posted anything in here because I have been doing pretty well. A year of NC passed in November and I thought maybe that was a turning point for me. I started thinking that maybe the worst of it was over. Today, I had such a crash back down. 

I haven't spoken to my ex directly since our last text blow up. I basically figured out he was seeing someone new and was completely devastated that he didn't tell me. When I confronted him about it, he was very evasive and never actually admitted it. For a very long time, I thought maybe I was crazy, as for a while he apparently wasn't letting her put pictures of him on her Facebook page. I thought maybe he wasn't seeing her and I was nuts. Well, today, for the first time in about 9 months I went to her Facebook page. Why did I do this? I don't really know. He and I have some mutual friends in common and we are in a What's App group. Occasionally I see things he posts on there and maybe that's why I was thinking about it? I don't know. I just felt I wanted to look. 

She now has multiple pictures of them together and clearly they are together and out in the open about it. I met him while he was getting divorced and we started dating about 6 months after his divorce. The whole time we were involved with each other, he said he felt he wasn't ready for a serious relationship. He was worried about his children, who were 5 and 8 at the time. It's like he wouldn't commit to me but he wouldn't let me go either. But now he's committed to her, from what I can tell. He's doing things with her he never did with me and it's really upsetting. I feel like it was something about me that wasn't enough for him. I feel really low for the first time in a long time. 

In some ways, I guess I am glad I saw the images. Now I know  the truth. But it hurts so much. I want to be happy. It feels so unfair that he gets to treat me like roadkill he ran over and then to be happy without a care in the world while I sit here crying. I will go back into NC, from the standpoint of not looking at her page anymore. 

Can anyone speak to dealing with seeing an ex happy when you're still hurting? How did you deal? How long did it take?

[Morello]

It takes time (more for some than others) but I can guarantee you'll get out of it. The stage that you will enter now is a different one. The hope is gone and now you will start really processing it.

It was never about you, or your faults. He wasn't ready to date, and dating someone is a good way to find out. Whether you'd be compatible in a different situation (some time later) is impossible to know but you were his rebound. It's not that he didn't like you, it's he still had some leftover feelings for his ex (good or bad), and it's hard to love someone when you have that on the background.

He didn't do those things with you because in a way he was not in a position to give you his whole heart. Now he is, or maybe it just looks like that because he may very well still be hurt about the divorce. On social media, you only get the nice couple photos, not the bad stuff. It could be that time has passed and he processed his divorce, it could be she's more compatible with him, it could be she's another rebound. It doesn't matter.

The real lesson is to avoid getting emotionally involved with someone who's fresh from a break up (6 months is nothing after a divorce) as they will only hurt you in the process. Especially when they tell to your face that they're not ready. We need to have enough self-esteem to identify/leave those situations early as they're bad news.

Once you fully realise it wasn't meant to be, that it wasn't really something you could have saved and fully let go, you will get a full recovery and people will even start noticing the "old you" back, a better version of it. Don't forget, it's a process. A marathon. It's very normal to have lows and be curious and look, don't worry. Just avoid doing it again. Healing from a bad break up is like healing from disease. Takes time and it leaves scars but sooner than later you're back up again.

Edited January 13, 2020 by Morello

[nolanola]

Thanks @Morello, it's tough to see but I think you are very right about a lot of things. I am actually glad I looked in some ways. He was so cagey with me when I asked him outright why he didn't tell me he was seeing someone and never admitted it to me. He didn't let her post any pictures of him or of them for months, so I honestly thought I was losing it and was really doubting what my gut was telling me. Seeing those pictures the other day at least verified that I was not nuts and that I was right all along. I wish he had just told me the truth. That would have sucked but it would have been a much faster healing process. 

Rebound is such a harsh word. To me, it connotes something that was used up and thrown away. That's a hard thing to think about yourself. It is a very negative thought to me. That's one of the reasons it's so hard to accept. 

I always feared that was the case but to be honest, I adored him so much that I think I didn't want to believe it. I did try to cut it off several times between us, because I had the sense that he was never going to be what I wanted him to be. A few weeks would go by and he would pop up in my life again and I think I am most angry at him for that. I feel like he should have let me go rather than stringing me along for so long. When I can be charitable towards him, I can think that he liked me and cared for me and didn't want to lose me completely out of his life. When I'm not in that mood, I think he was just selfish. I really think that if I had not confronted him about all this, he would still be popping up in my life. He tried even after I called him out.  

I find letting go the absolute hardest thing. It's something you can know you need to do and want to do, yet it still doesn't happen. I don't know what it will take - maybe to see them getting married or something. I know I want to be with someone that knows they want to be with me and won't string me along or make me doubt myself. I worry that I will never find this as long as I am hurting from this guy or stuck in this place. 

[sweetgirl75]

I went two years NC. Then I made the mistake of going to an OLD site where I saw his profile and the old memories flooded back and dumb me contacted him. We have texted each other for a few months now and he has not changed one bit. He has now ghosted me because I had plans with a friend and did not invite him over. Good riddance!  He will make NC a little easier acting like that. When I was with him I cried  more than I was happy and I should have respected  myself more than be with a man like him. I would hear from him when the other dates he had would fall through and my self esteem was the lowest its ever been during that time. After I went NC with him, I hit the gym and lost 30 pounds. Never felt better. I am not going to let this get me down again. My lack of judgment in contacting this fool was just a period of loneliness. I lost my ex husband to suicide and I was not feeling like my old self.

Edited January 28, 2020 by sweetgirl75

[nolanola]

@sweetgirl75, thank you for posting that. For some reason it gives me a lot of comfort to read that. I think a lot of times we want our exes to go back to the person that they were in the beginning and we hope that somehow, if enough time has passed, they will realize how they hurt us or regret what they did. Seeing that your ex hadn't changed one iota in 2 years is so much more common - people don't change that much unless there is some huge motivation to do so. 

I also liked what you said about thinking about how sad you were when you were with him. I know when I was involved with my ex, I spent a lot of time being anxious about how he felt about me, when I would hear from him, and all that. Although I'm alone now, I no longer have that anxiety and that's something positive. 

Healing is such a back and forth pattern. I was so heartbroken again a few weeks ago, but it spurred me to delete his pictures and old text messages that had somehow re-emerged from the cloud. Just knowing all that is gone from my phone and my computer feels one step closer to removing him from my heart. 

[sweetgirl75]

You are welcome! I think we hold on to some hope that they might change or go back to who they were but they never do. I am just going to focus on healing and moving forward. No looking back. You sound like you are doing great. Keep moving forward. You got this!