Ugh, NC never gets any easier

[MetallicHue]

@Rayce I’m so sorry for the pain you’re going through. I’m not saying it’s possible but for me, distancing myself from emails/websites associated with them did help make things easier for me. It was a different type of situation - more of a toxic friendship with someone I deeply cared about. I cleared out my email of anything associated with them. I hope each week gets easier for you.

[Rayce]

Thank you. I have all my social media deactivated right now except LinkedIn as I need to find a job. I lost my job in Nov. I think I am done with social media for a very long time. It's so fake and phony anyway. I get the toxic friendship stuff... we got some of that mixed up in our mess... his brother and a mutual friend of ours. After everything that I have read over the last month I am thinking that maybe my ex and I are the target... motive… revenge. It matters not... I am still staying NC. Best to not be in the middle of family issues.

[xweeverx]

If it's not obvious yet, our breakup has been difficult for me.

I lost my dream girl, my best friend, and several close family members all at once. I have missed you deeply everyday that we have been apart or haven't spoken. So here I am, doing the only thing I know to do....keep fighting for the one I love.

 

In continuing to reflect, I have further realized another fault of mine that I want to take responsibility for, and not leave unsaid. Our root problem likely started within the first 3 years. You loved me so much, and were so sweet to me during that time, but I was not reciprocating equally. I was holding back. I didn't want things to move too fast. I was nervous with the thought of getting married again. I think this made you stop trying as hard, and caused you to put more focus on other things, like your studies, spirituality, etc. Our other issues started to appear shortly after that time frame. I guess the root of it all was me not communicating with you properly. I'm so sorry for this. I wish there was some way I could makeup for that time in our past, because you deserved better. Just the thought of you loving me so much, and me not embracing it properly crushes me inside. God, I'm sorry.

 

Hopefully this request doesn't sound too strange or needy, but at some point, please re-read the notes and emails I have shared over the past few weeks. There is a great deal of my heart and soul in those words, and before they get deleted or archived I just ask that you read them one more time.

 

 

RM

[nolanola]

Xweeverx, was that something you are contemplating sending her? Or sent her? How are you feeling about it? I think one of the hardest things about breaking up is that you never feel like you've said everything you needed to say. Or have heard a complete explanation or the answers to all your questions. I don't see any harm in sending it if you don't think it will set you back. But it's also ok to just post it here and not send it too.

 

Does anyone else ever have the fear that their ex will go on and have such a successful relationship with whomever they date next? I remember thinking this about my worst ex too. Even though he was (is?) such a train wreck. I think it was such a fear because then it would be all about me. I was the reason that it didn't work. I realize that it sounds so petty but I can't help but think it. That my ex will treat his new girlfriend so much better than he treated me and be so much happier. I don't necessarily wish bad things for him, but it's too soon for me to wish for him to be super happy. Ugh. I don't like feeling like that.

[PolyPocket]

I feel this all the time Nola. It’s the classic fear of knowing how much we’ve invested on our exes only to have the next girl benefit what we’ve worked on. The hardest part was remembering how he was with me in the beginning and knowing that he would be the same charming guy to the next girl, but at least I also know him better now. I wish I could tell you a happy ending, but as we both know, I too am on the same stage as you and still also missing my ex.

 

I knew early on that I was his rebound but refused to walk away soon before I was ready. One, because I liked him a lot and was hoping things would change. Two, if it didn’t (which ended up being the case) at least I stayed long enough to leave a mark. I honestly don’t know if I suceeded, but once a man is broken, it takes a while for them to heal so I also don’t know if he would be happy still even if a new girl comes along. All we can do is take care of ourselves regardless of what happens. They go their way, we go ours,and as many have said, time will heal every wound we got.

[xweeverx]

Xweeverx, was that something you are contemplating sending her? Or sent her? How are you feeling about it? I think one of the hardest things about breaking up is that you never feel like you've said everything you needed to say. Or have heard a complete explanation or the answers to all your questions. I don't see any harm in sending it if you don't think it will set you back. But it's also ok to just post it here and not send it too.

 

Does anyone else ever have the fear that their ex will go on and have such a successful relationship with whomever they date next? I remember thinking this about my worst ex too. Even though he was (is?) such a train wreck. I think it was such a fear because then it would be all about me. I was the reason that it didn't work. I realize that it sounds so petty but I can't help but think it. That my ex will treat his new girlfriend so much better than he treated me and be so much happier. I don't necessarily wish bad things for him, but it's too soon for me to wish for him to be super happy. Ugh. I don't like feeling like that.

 

I feel this all the time Nola. It’s the classic fear of knowing how much we’ve invested on our exes only to have the next girl benefit what we’ve worked on. The hardest part was remembering how he was with me in the beginning and knowing that he would be the same charming guy to the next girl, but at least I also know him better now. I wish I could tell you a happy ending, but as we both know, I too am on the same stage as you and still also missing my ex.

 

I knew early on that I was his rebound but refused to walk away soon before I was ready. One, because I liked him a lot and was hoping things would change. Two, if it didn’t (which ended up being the case) at least I stayed long enough to leave a mark. I honestly don’t know if I succeeded, but once a man is broken, it takes a while for them to heal so I also don’t know if he would be happy still even if a new girl comes along. All we can do is take care of ourselves regardless of what happens. They go their way, we go ours,and as many have said, time will heal every wound we got.

 

So that was the original version of something I was going to send, but it seemed too heavy, so this is what I actually sent:

 

"It’s so difficult not speaking with you.

You have been missed every day we’ve been apart or haven't spoken.

I feel so foolish in letting this happen.

Sleep well."

 

Obviously I am struggling with NC. I guess I have mixed emotions about its use and application. Right now I am still in the mode of trying to get her back, and sometimes I feel that going NC sends the wrong message. A close friend of mine just said " if you are going to error, make the error on the side of being overt vs. the side of covert". I also know that every situation is different, and every person reacts differently, so who knows what the right answer is. I imagine that I will be back to full NC here shortly once I get my heart punched a couple of more times.

 

I'm not sure if I already asked you guys (NOLA/POLY) this, but as women, how often have you ever given a man a second chance?

 

I totally agree with you NOLA about never quite feeling like you have said everything you want to say. I always feel like I didn't say the one thing that would make a difference, or touch some spot inside my ex's emotions.

 

So for both of you (NOLA and POLY), take it from a guy, the only time men learn a lesson is when THEY get their heart broken, so most likely they are going to make the same mistakes in the future. Just like POLY said, all you can do at this point is take care of yourselves, move forward, and let time work its (slow) healing magic.

 

Hugs and love to you both!

[PolyPocket]

xweeverx I feel like NC has been given a bad rep because in essence, it does take away the privilege of connecting with your ex, and the hardest part about it is that you have to force yourself to do it. What it’s really meant to is to distance yourself from your ex so you have time to Heal from the heartache. It takes hard discipline, and when you still love your ex, it gets harder and harder to enforce. And yes, I too also feel like it’s a bit counter productive if you’re trying to win them back because you need some form of communication to reconcile.

 

Anyway, to answer your question, I have forgiven men more times than I should on several occasions, but that’s because I was still attached to them and hoping for reconciliation myself. Its really a matter of timing. Once my heart and mind has moved on, however, it’s hard to go back. I may consider them as friends, so forgiveness may come in that form, but I’ll never look at them the same way.

 

I hope this helps. Please keep us posted with your situation. It may seem like me and Nola talk more to eachother, but it’s only because our situations are very similar. You are always welcome to chime in of course. We would love a male perspective in the matter.

Edited January 7, 2019 by PolyPocket

[Endnote]

Does anyone else ever have the fear that their ex will go on and have such a successful relationship with whomever they date next? I remember thinking this about my worst ex too. Even though he was (is?) such a train wreck. I think it was such a fear because then it would be all about me. I was the reason that it didn't work. I realize that it sounds so petty but I can't help but think it. That my ex will treat his new girlfriend so much better than he treated me and be so much happier. I don't necessarily wish bad things for him, but it's too soon for me to wish for him to be super happy. Ugh. I don't like feeling like that.

 

 

So that was the original version of something I was going to send, but it seemed too heavy, so this is what I actually sent:

 

"It’s so difficult not speaking with you.

You have been missed every day we’ve been apart or haven't spoken.

I feel so foolish in letting this happen.

Sleep well."

 

Obviously I am struggling with NC. I guess I have mixed emotions about its use and application. Right now I am still in the mode of trying to get her back, and sometimes I feel that going NC sends the wrong message. A close friend of mine just said " if you are going to error, make the error on the side of being overt vs. the side of covert". I also know that every situation is different, and every person reacts differently, so who knows what the right answer is. I imagine that I will be back to full NC here shortly once I get my heart punched a couple of more times.

 

I'm not sure if I already asked you guys (NOLA/POLY) this, but as women, how often have you ever given a man a second chance?

 

I totally agree with you NOLA about never quite feeling like you have said everything you want to say. I always feel like I didn't say the one thing that would make a difference, or touch some spot inside my ex's emotions.

 

So for both of you (NOLA and POLY), take it from a guy, the only time men learn a lesson is when THEY get their heart broken, so most likely they are going to make the same mistakes in the future. Just like POLY said, all you can do at this point is take care of yourselves, move forward, and let time work its (slow) healing magic.

 

Hugs and love to you both!

 

xweeverx I feel like NC has been given a bad rep because in essence, it does take away the privilege of connecting with your ex, and the hardest part about it is that you have to force yourself to do it. What it’s really meant to is to distance yourself from your ex so you have time to Heal from the heartache. It takes hard discipline, and when you still love your ex, it gets harder and harder to enforce. And yes, I too also feel like it’s a bit counter productive if you’re trying to win them back because you need some form of communication to reconcile.

 

Anyway, to answer your question, I have forgiven men more times than I should on several occasions, but that’s because I was still attached to them and hoping for reconciliation myself. Its really a matter of timing. Once my heart and mind has moved on, however, it’s hard to go back. I may consider them as friends, so forgiveness may come in that form, but I’ll never look at them the same way.

 

I hope this helps. Please keep us posted with your situation. It may seem like me and Nola talk more to eachother, but it’s only because our situations are very similar. You are always welcome to chime in of course. We would love a male perspective in the matter.

 

@nolanola If it gives you some comfort, most romantic relationships will fail. That's pretty gloomy, but it holds a lot of truth in the modern age. With the exception of my ex-wife (for reasons I described in my own thread), all of the people I've ever dated that moved on to other relationships immediately or soon after eventually failed in that relationship as well. And they all failed long after I stopped caring. But what's important is that people didn't use the failure of their relationship with me to grow and address their own issues that arise in relationships. I doubt your recent ex has suddenly grown into the most self-actualized person around. Even if he has, is he really going to omit the same issues into his next relationship? He didn't seem to address them when you guys were together.

 

 

@nolanola and @Polypocket, I've never been the one to bring up exclusivity in a relationship, each just seems like it's better if women do it, but if the girl brings it up that I seriously consider asking them to be exclusive not long after. But I think, both in my own experience and from what I've seen from my more philandering male friends, if a guy isn't willing to be exclusive after you've been consistently involved (especially if you're sleeping together) after 2 or 3 months, you should walk away. That's my opinion, but I have a friend that's a serial philanderer and he juggles 5 or 6 women at a time. I don't understand his mindset, but he's had women that have tried to tie him down despite the fact that he's clearly playing the field with little thought about how these women feel, but some of them stick around for 2 or 3 years. It's like they subconsciously want what they can't have. Most of them know he's involved with other women. He's obviously different from your exes, but he uses psychology to get what he wants without much consequence. I don't quite understand it, for me if I want to be with someone I'm gonna give them a couple opportunities in a short time frame after dating for a few months, and if they don't bring up being exclusive, I'll try finding someone else.

 

I can't speak for rebounds, but I think if someone is recently out of a relationship (esp a man) and it's been less than 6 months to a year (likely depending on how long they were together with there ex and whether marriage was involved or not), you should be extremely cautious. Men that've been hurt don't quite heal in the same way women can, from what I've witnessed., both in my own life and among my male friends. Women have more opportunities to talk about it and heal with friends and family, and they can bounce back into the dating game because men will more often approach them than say, women will approach a guy after a breakup. Men generally don't have as much access to emotional healing even nowadays with mental health awareness becoming more prevalent. I'm not saying don't date someone just 'cause they've been through a bad divorce or heartwrenching breakup, just consider both what they tell you and how they act about it.

 

@xweeverx I'd highly consider just starting NC immediately. I did it when my recent ex broke up with me, and I haven't said a word, sent a text/email (etc), and I've removed all social media related to her as well. I don't quite see what sending your ex texts about how you're feeling will make your situation better. Do you want her to pity you? More importantly, would you want her to come back just because she pities you, and not because she genuinely loves you? With the exception of my recent breakup, I had always begged and pleaded for my ex to stay. And it never worked. The road you're taking is a long one the more you try to hold on, I was there myself years ago, and I won't be that person again. If you want to defy your emotion, first off, get some professional therapy if you have access to it. Write in the No Contact thread anytime you have something you want to tell your ex. Read the NC rules on this board, they hold insight that I know helped me in the initial stages of my breakup, and I read them everyday for the first two months. Look for a depression/anxiety support group in your area if they are available. Watch youtube vidoes, I prefer Craig Kenneth and The Art of Love by Lucia. Just listening to their views on NC has helped me immensely. I don't mean to sound harsh with any of what I said above, just know that in my experience, staying in contact both prolongs the healing process, and it gives you more opportunities to do or say something you'll regret. I'm not saying it's easy, but I've managed to stay in NC, and I still suffer to this day despite being 4 months and change in NC. In my whole life I've never seen someone convince their ex to get back in the relationship without it completely falling apart soon after. My two cents.

[LauraXX]

I have NEVER not answered one of his messages before this, so I don't know how to judge this situation -- the fact that he said nothing after I didn't reply. It just feels like he was like "oh, well, forget about her...back to this other, much more awesome woman I'm spending time with".

I have been doing really well and just feel like I just fell 10 steps back.

 

I think the fact that he didn’t reach out to you again after you didn’t reply to his last message doesn’t really say anything at all. Maybe he thinks that he’d bother you if he texted you again. Maybe he just doesn’t know what to say. Or maybe it’s true and he’s actually busy spending time with that other woman – but even then I’d doubt that he’d think anything like “Forget about Nola”.

 

You were dating for quite some time – didn’t you say several years? And he kept reaching out to you regarding issues that you were dealing with? People just don’t do that if they don’t care at all. It doesn’t change the big picture of course and I think it was the right decision to cut the cord and go NC, but you shouldn’t beat yourself up about these details (I’m one to talk ). For all you know he might be full of regret right now, so please don’t obsess over old messages and let them drag you down.

 

So, what’s new for me: My “ex” finally asked me if I wanted to meet him to “catch up”. And the activities he suggested imply that he’s thinking about a weekend trip rather than a dinner date. Funny thing is – just a few days ago I would have said that that is exactly what I want. No matter what the outcome and no matter his intentions!

But when I read his message, I felt strangely numb. Can’t really explain it. I’ve been hoping to read these words for over a month now and tried to manifest this specific text message so many times. And when I finally received the message (just today) I was almost tempted to reply: “Not a good idea.”

 

It’s just… I’ve been doing better lately. I still miss him like crazy and I still think that we would have been great for each other. But deep down inside I know that he hasn’t changed his mind about being in a serious relationship and I know that I will get hurt again. But on the other hand – he IS an awesome guy (and he’s always been honest). And when I look at those Tinder creeps and my boring sex life – I would be stupid to say no. I can still keep my eyes open (try to pursue the NYE guy for example), go on Tinder dates etc. … I mean, now I could even do that without the bad conscience because I’d know for a fact that we’re not exclusive. But at least I’d have an active sex life in the meantime. I regretted breaking up with him the first time around and I know for a fact that I’d regret it even more if I said no now. But why can’t I be happier about this new development?

[nolanola]

@xweeverx: First, thanks for the male insight. I have a brother who is great sometimes, but he has to be in the right mood. Otherwise, he's like "get over it". So appreciate your thoughts. As for NC, I am not one of those people that says "YOU HAVE TO GO NC". But I do think it's a good idea in most cases. Especially if you've been broken up with. As a woman, I have gotten back together with ex boyfriends in the past and sometimes we've dated again for a while. Sometimes it was a good idea for us to get back together (one guy that was wonderful, I was just too young to appreciate him) and sometimes it was not (my toxic, crappy ex). I think there is always that possibility if two people still care about each other, like each other, and aren't in other relationships. BUT, I do think if a very short amount of time has elapsed, it's unlikely that the reunion will be successful. I don't fault you for wanting to put your feelings out there and say your piece. But, I would prepare myself to go NC after. If you really want to reconcile (or attempt to reconcile), I would be straightforward about it. Tell her what you think you can work on and how the relationship can be better and ask her if she is interested in giving it another try (in your own way). If she says anything other than "yes" I would go total NC for your heart. Staying in contact with an ex right after a breakup is bad news, please trust me on this one. I am wishing I had taken this advice a long time ago. Keep us posted.

 

@endnote, I so appreciate your posts. As I said to xweeverx, it is really nice to hear the male perspective. I think the fears about him moving on to be totally functional and fully committed are related to my own insecurities. Because if he meets another woman that he is capable of being totally invested in and fully committed with so easily after me, then it was all me and my dysfunction that caused it not to work. Intellectually, I know probably isn't all true, but when my self esteem is low it's easy to believe. So having his new relationship fail (as terrible as that is for me to hope that for someone else...feel bad typing this) would validate that we're both messed up. I don't think he is the player type, but I had a lot of ideas about who he is that I am now questioning. When he and met, he was actually separated from his ex-wife (I did not know this at the time) and when we started dating it wasn't until over a year later after he had divorced. But I could tell he was gun shy from his marriage. He talked about it some in the beginning and then less as we got closer. But I know what you mean about healing taking a long time. That's why I've had that terrible feeling of feeling like a speed bump for him. It makes me want to cry just typing it, although he says it isn't true. How are things going for you? You mentioned your support group and I think that's great. If nothing else, it seems like a good place to meet some new friends.

 

@polypocket how are things with you?

 

@LauraXX, I'm glad you are making positive contact with your ex. My opinion on why you feel weird? I think you're skeptical about jumping to a pretty serious get together (the weekend trip) instead of a more casual thing like a coffee. There is a high possibility of becoming FWB with an ex and I'm wondering if he is angling that direction. No judgement if that's what you're after. God knows I'm not getting any action, so who am I to judge? But, I worry how you will feel about the situation and yourself if that happens? Would you feel more comfortable suggesting something casual like coffee and seeing what happens? Keeping it friendly and trying to build from there? And thank you for your words about my reaction to the text messages. Although I can sometimes go to a really bad place, I do think my ex cared about me as a person in some ways. I don't think he likes the idea that he hurt me. But he's not doing anything to fix it or try to keep me in his life in a meaningful way and it was hurting me so much to try to hold on. So I am trying really hard every day to let go. Some days I do great and some days not so much. Just will keep trying.

[Beachead]

Xweeverx, was that something you are contemplating sending her? Or sent her? How are you feeling about it? I think one of the hardest things about breaking up is that you never feel like you've said everything you needed to say. Or have heard a complete explanation or the answers to all your questions. I don't see any harm in sending it if you don't think it will set you back. But it's also ok to just post it here and not send it too.

 

Does anyone else ever have the fear that their ex will go on and have such a successful relationship with whomever they date next? I remember thinking this about my worst ex too. Even though he was (is?) such a train wreck. I think it was such a fear because then it would be all about me. I was the reason that it didn't work. I realize that it sounds so petty but I can't help but think it. That my ex will treat his new girlfriend so much better than he treated me and be so much happier. I don't necessarily wish bad things for him, but it's too soon for me to wish for him to be super happy. Ugh. I don't like feeling like that.

 

Oh everytime. It's ego. We think it's all about us but it isn't.

 

Gotta remind yourself everyday 2 things.

 

1. You gave it your best and there was nothing more you could give.

 

If they were here to stay, whatever mistakes you made would have been forgiven. Whatever shortcomings would have been handled with patience. Understanding for disagreements disagreements. Communication would have bridged the gaps we couldn't piece together on our own...even if it meant fighting it out. No bs. No secrets. No games. No distance. They would have stayed open with me because they would have seen a future with me, that they were committed to.

 

Uncommitted people go into a relationship with one foot out the door. They are hot and cold, play games, can never commit to an answer. You find yourself pulling your hair out trying to understand what is going on in their mind because they don't communicate about things that need to be talked about. If you give it your all and this is what they're like..it's not you. It's them.

 

2. You don't have control over what happened to them in their past or the way it affects them in their present life. The way they react to the things you may do or say or the way they choose deal with their problems or what they want or need in their life because of it. You don't have control over who they let influence their life either such as family, friends, ex wife, past girlfriends etc.

 

You could have been the best you could have been as a partner but it wouldn't change the fact that there was an uncontrollable element there that was on them to ultimately manage. There will always be that element.

 

Other thoughts

 

So even though it's hard not to feel like it, it's not all about you. There are 100's of things there.

 

When I was broken up with, I couldn't stop seeing life through my exes eyes. It was as if the supporting character in their story instead of being the main character in my own. My confidence had taken a big hit and I felt no worth in myself.

 

I needed to get self-centered and practice some selfishness for my own good. So I refocused on myself and start rebuilding my own story. I started thinking about 10 years into the future and where I wanted to be. I return to school and continued with my studies. Went back to the gym. Retracted my social life and focused on the people whom made me feel loved. Focused on becoming a better piano teacher to my students. The result was I gained muscle and became fitter, I had less bs in my life from stupid people and more good times with those I loved, I got one step closer into my career, I helped an old man become a better piano player. I learned from him as well. In the end, all these improvements gave back to me academically, career-wise, physically, emotionally. I felt happier and more confident from all these things I put energy into, and in return, it gave me me added strength I needed to deal with the pain and abandonment and grief. Made it easier.

 

In the end, I reduced the loss of that girl to nothing but a page in my book and not the whole story. She shaped my story but didn't end it.

 

Start seeing your life through your own eyes again and not through his. Embrace your fear of him meeting someone and feeling happy about it. It'll happen. But it's not like he's with you anymore anyway so what difference does it make in your life? What's else is there to lose regarding that situation? The worst already happened and your living it. Embrace it because then you'll realize..so what? You're still making it to the next day. You're still living, breathing. You still have people who love you, need you, miss you, want you, enjoy you. You still have money to spend and travel with. You still got your health. And if he could be happier elsewhere, then just imagine if he wouldn't have realized this and stayed with you. You would have been with a man who wasn't all that committed anyway and who knows, would have left after years of being with you and you would have had to deal with this reality then. It would have wasted your time and your life.

 

Atleast now, you're living a truth and can move forward from it instead of trapping yourself in a comforting lie.

 

- Beach

Edited January 8, 2019 by Beachead

[Endnote]

@Beachead, I'm curious how long it was after your breakup(s) that you started feeling normal again? Since I only have one long term relationship to reflect on prior to my current breakup (and this recent breakup was my longest relationship ever at 7 years), I want to say that I started feeling a certain degree of indifference from my divorce (3 1/2 year in length) near the 10 month mark. It's been so long though since those days, but what can be truly difficult no matter how much insight we have about how to heal from relationships, is the time it takes to heal. And it makes sense, it's part of the human condition, it's how it goes. No amount of NC seems to change how I've felt since the breakup (though I do feel a sense of pride for sticking to my goal), which makes it feel like one hell of a marathon rather than a short one. As always, your input is very valuable to me, and I'm sure to the others here. I know the length of healing is different for everyone, but for those that really value NC as the best means to heal, I like to see what their experience was in NC.

[Beachead]

Hi Endnote,

 

Thanks for the acknowledgement. Great question. I won't be able to summarize it so easily since it's a bit loaded. Length of time to recover depends on a lot. I know a few factors but I am certain, there are plenty more.

 

I was in about 4 relationships.

 

Relationship 1: I was about 15-16. Very young. Lasted 2 years. She broke up with me but she was forced to because I wasn't giving it 100%. Took me 1 month to get over it because I did my "getting over it" IN the relationship and had already checked out by the time the end came. Truth is the relationship started to feel obligatory and only got worse with time. I didn't have my own personal line or a cell phone to talk to her privately, I didn't have a job at the time s I had no money but I still had to fulfill a lot of financial obligations. I had to lie to my parents to see her. I was dealing with personal problems..and I was just a kid with no relationship experience who was in way over his head. She was a great girlfriend. She was loving, giving, generous, treated me well. She deserved better. I treated her terribly and she did the right thing ending with me.

 

 

Relationship 2: I was around 22-24 around this time. We were together for 10 months. She broke up with me. She wanted to stay friends and I let it happen because I was inexperienced and naive (This is one of the situations for why I never advise anyone to keep an ex around after a break up). We ended up being on and off for another 10 months until I had enough of her flaky behaviour and demanded her to make a decision. She did, and we got back together, only for her to break up with me again. I was very invested in her and in a future but she wasn't all that into me in hindsight. Still, I didn't block her after the second break up, since we had mutual friends whom we hung out with and because I just didn't have the strength to because I couldn't let go of my attachment to her. Took me about 2 more years after that to get over her.

 

Relationship 3: I was about 27-28 at this point. We were together for about 8 months and 3 of them being long distance. She had to leave overseas for med school and shortly after that, she became distant, far more irritable. Things slowly went downhill with her but I still refused to give up and gave my all. Eventually she ended it on Whatsapp the night before she was supposed to come back home. Took me about 2 years to move passed it..partly because she left things open ended and would drop in messages every few months. I allowed it to happen because I was weak. I don't think I ever gave more to a person than I did her, in an emotional sense.

 

Relationship 4: Had this one when I was 30. Lasted 3 months. She wasn't over her ex though and I was experienced enough to pick up on the signs which I ignored for awhile. Eventually her behaviour forced me to end (Even though I didn't want to). It's been about a year and a half and I would say I've moved passed it. I wouldn't say I'm over it though.

 

So your ability to get over something can depend on a lot of factors.

1. How much damage you've taken in your life by situations that were both in and out of your control (Not necessarily relationship related, but traumatic nonetheless). It can also damage you incur by the people you've surrounded yourself with..voluntarily or involuntarily.

 

2. Depends on your age or stage of life which your at (When we're older, our time is more valuable to us. We also have less patience and are less tolerant to bs).

 

3. Depends on the amount of knowledge, insight and experience you have at your possession regarding yourself, relationships and healing (It is a map that guides you through your grief).

 

4. Depends on how much that person and the relationship meant to you and how involved they were in your life (You get used to them being there for you in your day to day routines. The longer they were there and the more involved they were, the more dependant you became on them which makes it harder to recover from.)

5. Depends on how long the relationship was.

 

6. Depends on the kind of wounds you have, how you deal with your problems, and the baggage you carry from the past that you bring into your relationship (Huge factor in recovery).

 

7. Depends on the amount of regret or guilt you carry.

 

Seven years was a long time. Seven years of habits being with someone you cared for. Seven years of your brain developing short cuts so that you could do what you did with them without even having to think, so that you could free up your mind for the things that required brain energy AKA habits, patterns, taking things for granted or getting used to them. And then they left. Your brain is still operating on that schedule. Is rewiring to accomodate your knew life. Takes awhile to unlearn those habits and patterns. Then it more time for the potency of those memories to wash away and fade. Will you fully recover from it? I don't know. Will it leave scars? Maybe. But one thing you'll come to understand is you will move passed it and it will shape you whether you want it to or not.

 

- Beach

Edited January 8, 2019 by Beachead

[LauraXX]

 

@LauraXX, I'm glad you are making positive contact with your ex. My opinion on why you feel weird? I think you're skeptical about jumping to a pretty serious get together (the weekend trip) instead of a more casual thing like a coffee.

 

Mmh, no…not really. I did somehow picture us just going out for dinner on our first “reunion date”. But that wasn’t very realistic anyway. He lives 2 hours away. We always spent full days or weekends together (even on our very first date ever).

The problem is that he’s making me SOOO anxious again and we haven’t even seen each other yet. There were so many things that I loved about being with him. But what I really hated was waiting for his messages / interpreting his messages / overthinking his every word. And I can feel that it’s starting to happen again. He was texting me like crazy yesterday. Just random things about his day, pictures of his dogs, some info about his upcoming vacation bla bla bla. And then, as mentioned before, the question if I wanted to meet him to catch up. I needed an hour to let that sink, but then I replied “Ok, let’s do that. But I have a business trip coming up, so we’d either have to meet this upcoming weekend or in February when you’re back from your vacation.” Radio Silence after that for 24 hours.

 

Plus (and I’m not mentioning that to fish for sympathy): It’s my birthday today and I had really hoped that he’d remember. I didn’t even know him one year ago, so it’s not like he SHOULD remember the date. But there was a situation a few months ago when we were cuddling and he asked me “Hey, when’s your birthday?” And I told him. And then we made some jokes about celebrities who share our birthdays (Happy Birthday Kim Jong Un) and he mentioned that he’s good at remembering dates. So somehow I really expected him to remember. But he just replied to my message from last night saying that he has to work next weekend and that we should just meet in February then . That is one more f*** MONTH and he didn’t even seem to care. I’m sure we could have figured sth. out for next weekend – his jobs usually just take 3-4 hours. But well… he doesn’t seem to eager about meeting after all.

 

I think you're right - it really seems like he's trying to maneuver us into a FWB situation. Texting me like crazy when he wants to be entertained. Not texting at all for days when he has sth. better to do. Wanting to meet me again (because I'm sure that he enjoyed the physical aspect of our relationship as much as I did). But not being infatuated enough for wanting to see me as soon as possible (and possibly rescheduling other things). So yes - spot on. Now I just have to decide what to do with that.

 

 

Haven’t heard from NYE guy either and my car got broken into today :/ Great birthday. But looking forward to my party in a few days, so there’s a silver lining

Edited January 8, 2019 by LauraXX

[PolyPocket]

Hi Nola,

 

Thanks for checking in. I'm still here, holding strong with my NC, but I'm still emotionally damaged. Today, a friend of mine from work asked how are things with my ex and me....she didn't know what happened yet....and I couldn't help but get teary when I told her about it. Even after 2 months of no NC I still hurt.

 

How are things with you? I haven't had a chance to log in here lately, but every now and then I check in. The stories here have helped me.

[MetallicHue]

Unfortunately I don’t have any stories to help people with on the forum.i know Nola can definitely relate more.

 

Anyway, don’t feel bad that you are still upset after 2 months. I’ve seen in my short time here a lot of people who’ve been sore quite a while longer. Things are bound to come up with your ex still to go. Going NC unfortunately can’t take that away. Over time you will be able to deal with it more but for now it’s still gonna hurt. I encourage you to read through the NC success stories topic that posted at some point today so you can here about some people successes (if you haven’t done so already).

 

I can’t imagine what you’re going through but if my wife split up with me I’m sure I wouldn’t be over it in a span of 2 months. Everyone takes their own time to heal. I hope your path to happiness comes sooner than later. I see all the pain that all the people in the forum like you and Nola go thru and wish I could help take it all away. Anyway, have a good night, tomorrow is another day, you’ll be one step closer to your happiness.

[Endnote]

@nolanola, I am holding up, I definitely appreciate your input as well as the others here. Like you, I have moments where I really struggle emotionally throughout the day, but I'm just concentrating on taking it day by day, NC is not something I'm struggling with, more of just struggling to move past the pain. My thoughts go out to all of us that had to get through the holidays. The new year has brought some changes for me. I'm working 4 10 hour days now at my job, just started this week. So far so good. 3 day weekends ahead.

 

I still pine for my ex daily, but being only 4 months in, I'll have to heal at whatever pace my mind/heart want to. I'd highly recommend any kind of support group to help you out in these times. I don't go necessarily looking for new friendships (though I've definitely met some great people) but more of an outlet among the others struggling with whatever life brings us. Stay strong.

[nolanola]

Ugh. Things are so up and down for me right now. One day (like the last few) I will feel good, like I am making real progress. Then, another day (like today), I will slip back and feel bad again. The worst thing for me right now is that I know that my ex will be in my city next week. We do not live in the same place, he lives a few hours away. That was clearly an issue when we were dating, especially considering some other factors (his job and his children). Sometimes I think he liked the fact that I lived far away, because it was a built in excuse to pull away sometimes. But anyway, I digress. Every January, the society he is a member of has a meeting somewhere in our state. This year, it is here in my city. I have known this for several months, before I went NC. I did not know the exact date, but I knew it was coming up. I've been wanting to look to see when it is. I have a lot of anxiety about it, for several reasons. Because we don't live in the same place, I don't have to worry about running into him when I'm out at the grocery store, which is great. But now he will be here and although the likelihood of running into him (it's not a small city) is small, it still stresses me out. Their meeting is usually across the street from where I work, but I am fortunate that I'm not working that day. The other thought I had was whether he would reach out to me. I know it would not be the best (look what happened when he sent a BS text at Thanksgiving-- I'm still not over it) but I know it will be in the back of my mind.

 

So this morning, I really, really wanted to look to see when this meeting is. I think because I just wanted to know when I would need to be on alert for him. So I looked. I didn't go beyond a plain google search, so I just saw the name of the meeting and the date, but I'm still sitting here wanting to look at other stuff. I guess because it feels like he doesn't exist anymore or something. Does anyone else ever feel this way?

 

Also, I am working an overnight shift tonight and tomorrow and that always makes me a bit blue. But I am just trying to hang in there the best that I can. Focus on staying NC.

[xweeverx]

So that was the original version of something I was going to send, but it seemed too heavy, so this is what I actually sent:

 

"ItÂ’s so difficult not speaking with you.

You have been missed every day weÂ’ve been apart or haven't spoken.

I feel so foolish in letting this happen.

Sleep well."

 

...

 

@xweeverx I'd highly consider just starting NC immediately. I did it when my recent ex broke up with me, and I haven't said a word, sent a text/email (etc), and I've removed all social media related to her as well. I don't quite see what sending your ex texts about how you're feeling will make your situation better. Do you want her to pity you? More importantly, would you want her to come back just because she pities you, and not because she genuinely loves you? With the exception of my recent breakup, I had always begged and pleaded for my ex to stay. And it never worked. The road you're taking is a long one the more you try to hold on, I was there myself years ago, and I won't be that person again. If you want to defy your emotion, first off, get some professional therapy if you have access to it. Write in the No Contact thread anytime you have something you want to tell your ex. Read the NC rules on this board, they hold insight that I know helped me in the initial stages of my breakup, and I read them everyday for the first two months. Look for a depression/anxiety support group in your area if they are available. Watch youtube vidoes, I prefer Craig Kenneth and The Art of Love by Lucia. Just listening to their views on NC has helped me immensely. I don't mean to sound harsh with any of what I said above, just know that in my experience, staying in contact both prolongs the healing process, and it gives you more opportunities to do or say something you'll regret. I'm not saying it's easy, but I've managed to stay in NC, and I still suffer to this day despite being 4 months and change in NC. In my whole life I've never seen someone convince their ex to get back in the relationship without it completely falling apart soon after. My two cents.

 

CC: @nolanola and @Polypocket

 

After sending that email above, I got an unexpected reply saying she was willing to call that night (1/6) or the next day (1/7). I think she missed the underlying message of my email (basically "I'm thinking of you, etc.), and thought I wanted to chit/chat or catch-up. I responded explaining this, but that I was still willing to talk if she wanted. She called me the next day, and we had a very light and friendly convo for about 30mins, but that was it. In some ways, I'm glad we talked bc it was actually a nice conversation, but in the end, it obviously served me no purpose in terms of my wants, my emotions, or my healing. So, back to NC, in which today is a whopping 4 days! Go me!

 

@endnote: Thanks for all the thoughts and recommendations. Everything you said is warranted. I am trying to find a decent support group here, but they either charge $400-$750 for the course, or they are affiliated with a Church, which may or may not come with pressure to become a church member. Anyway, I'm sure I'll find something soon, and hopefully get on the path to letting go. Thanks again.

 

If anything, I hope what I share here gives others some reference of what might/might not be helpful for their particular situation.

[nolanola]

xweeverx, I have been there. With my older ex, I would reach out to him to try to make contact if it had been a while since we had spoken. I just wanted to know that he wanted to talk to me I think sometimes. Then, when he would be friendly but not go any further after that, I would feel so foolish for making the effort. And I would be so mad at myself for breaking my silence and letting him know that I was still sitting there waiting for him.

 

I hope you aren't beating yourself up. It is very hard to completely cut ties with someone that you love, especially if you are the one that is in the powerless position (the dumpee rather than the dumper). After I looked to see when my ex was going to be in my city, I wound up clicking on the program for the meeting and saw that he is definitely speaking and involved. I had a very strong suspicion that he was going to be involved, because he has been every other year I've known him, but now I know for sure. I felt somewhat bad for looking, because I have been specifically avoiding looking at things about him online. I haven't wanted to see something I didn't want to see. He doesn't have his own social media, but his company posts a lot of things and there are often pictures of him or stories or whatever. But now that I've looked at that one thing, there is a part of me that wants to just go look at his company's page. I don't know why. Nothing good can come from this. I think it's sort of like when you eat a couple potato chips and then you think, why not just finish the bag. Of course, after you eat all that, you feel terrible.

 

Starting over sucks, but you have something tangible to look at the next time you want to reach out. And I think you can feel good that you said what you wanted to say. It's clear she doesn't have hard feelings towards you so I think that's a positive, although sometimes it's easier when one person is really mad at the other. I hope you're planning something fun for yourself this evening.

[xweeverx]

Thanks NOLA. Oh, I am definitely beating myself up. Not really for breaking NC, but for whole thing in general. I know it can be easy to blame yourself for a breakup when you're the dumpee, but this is not my first breakup, and I know I had the majority of fault here.

 

Starting over is definitely no fun. For me, it's not just the relationship I lost, I also lost the place I was living, so now all my stuff is in storage and I am living in a relative's basement. Never thought this crap would be happening to me at 48. I guess it keeps life interesting...lol.

 

I'm not sure looking at a schedule with someone's name on it (so you can prepare accordingly) constitutes a break of NC, but I wouldn't go looking at anything else. As you said, it serves no purpose. It does nothing for you.

One thing can lead to another, and then suddenly you have eaten the whole bag of chips. STEP AWAY FROM THE CHIPS! :-)

 

Hang in there! Just keep letting those feelings pour out here.

[nolanola]

Thanks xweeverx! Haha..I put the chips down. Lucky (?) for me, I have to go to work in a few minutes, so that will be a distraction.

 

I'm 42 and at times I feel really silly for having some of these emotions and thoughts. A close family friend a while ago told me that she thought I approached dating like a teenager and that really stung. It is possible that I don't have great coping mechanisms and maybe that's why I haven't been able to let go of this situation and this person. But it just solidifies the thought that I'm some kind of freak, which I already feel like because I'm not married (and haven't been).

 

I would look at your situation from a different perspective: you can start your NC with fewer regrets. You told her what you needed to tell her, so there's no confusion on her part as to how you feel. You don't look like a jerk or weirdo, you look like a guy that cares about her and is sad about the break-up. I actually think that's a pretty good position to be in, because people's feelings tend to soften over time. So people that are really pissed at each other become less angry in time. She likely thinks well of you and that can only get better with time and distance. The first few days to weeks of NC are the worst, that's where the absence is so stark. I have, in the past, used a calendar where I would put a big "X" in every day when I made it through without contact. It was very satisfying to see the marks grow.

[xweeverx]

I'm 42 and at times I feel really silly for having some of these emotions and thoughts. A close family friend a while ago told me that she thought I approached dating like a teenager and that really stung. It is possible that I don't have great coping mechanisms and maybe that's why I haven't been able to let go of this situation and this person. But it just solidifies the thought that I'm some kind of freak, which I already feel like because I'm not married (and haven't been).

 

Matters of the heart are definitely influenced by our “inner child”. Anyone who has ever truly loved (and felt loss) would understand this, but to a loveless person it might seem like those grieving heartbreak are acting like children (or “teenagers”). As children we were at our most innocent, vulnerable, and loving, mainly thinking with our hearts vs. our minds, and this is reflected in our emotions and demeanor when we feel heartache as adults. So, I’m afraid I have to tell you that you are NOT a freak, just a normal person still in-touch with both their feelings and inner child. Hope all that made sense. :-)

 

I would look at your situation from a different perspective: you can start your NC with fewer regrets. You told her what you needed to tell her, so there's no confusion on her part as to how you feel. You don't look like a jerk or weirdo, you look like a guy that cares about her and is sad about the break-up. I actually think that's a pretty good position to be in, because people's feelings tend to soften over time. So people that are really pissed at each other become less angry in time. She likely thinks well of you and that can only get better with time and distance. The first few days to weeks of NC are the worst, that's where the absence is so stark. I have, in the past, used a calendar where I would put a big "X" in every day when I made it through without contact. It was very satisfying to see the marks grow.

 

I just had a relative pretty much tell me the same thing. I actually feel pretty good about how things were left off. That might be why NC has seemed a little easier the last couple of days. I am also trying to focus on NC as a means to heal instead of trying to get her back. My brain knows this is likely permanent, but the heart still hasn’t quite fully abandoned things. I signed up for a Divorce/breakup support group today. They have a 10 week course starting next week, so I am hoping that will further help me start getting back to normal. Hope you have a good night at work.

[xweeverx]

I suck at NC!!!!

[nolanola]

I suck at NC!!!!

 

What happened? Did you break NC? Everyone does things in their own time and it's ok if you've not got this perfect. Part of healing is acceptance and I personally think acceptance is the hardest part. That might be part of why NC is hard for you right now -- you haven't accepted that the relationship is over yet, because as you've said, you're still trying to reconnect. There is nothing wrong with wanting to be with someone or loving someone. Only you will know when it's time to break ties.

 

Endnote had talked about a podcast called the Art of Love by Lucia -- check it out, it is really good. She talks a lot about NC and I find her advice very comforting. Mostly because what she is talking about it boundaries, something a lot of us have trouble with. We keep in touch with our exes because we want them back, we don't want to hurt them, we don't want them to forget us or move on, and so forth. But she has some really good points about what we deserve, which is to have someone that wants to be with us and won't jerk us around. Might be worth checking out for you.