Year-long on/off "thing" is driving me INSANE...time to end it? ****Updated****

[Highndry]

You guy are right, thanks. He should never have disappeared and used all his issues as an excuse for that... My guess is, things didn't work out as he hoped with this woman (ie. he waited 6 months for her to come back then she wasn't interested) and he's been wallowing in self-pity over the holidays at everything wrong in his life, probably just telling me things I want to hear while he continues to search for someone else to pursue properly. I don't really feel that bad sending the text about the Christmas party... I would have had to reach out that week anyways as we lost an old coworker, someone he was close to...so I would have said "I'm sorry to hear about.. hope you're ok" regardless..because I'm just not a ****ty person.

 

Oddly, I don't feel all caught up in it again or anything. I'm not dying to see him (been two months...we don't see each other at work), not dying to talk to him, not wondering if he is seeing anyone and was doing just fine last week with no plans to even wish him a Merry Christmas. He reached out, and I don't know... he's always kept our personal lives SO separate, he's never opened up about much, then suddenly he is. He's never so much as said "you're great" to me, nevermind "you mean alot to me" so it has just thrown me, that's all. Coming from him, I'm sure it means nothing at all... in fact, he probably didn't even mean it. I don't know.

 

 

No you wouldn't have had to. In fact, you have less than zero obligations to this clown. You weren't even exclusive. In an exclusive relationship, after a breakup, there's no obligation to reach out for any reason. IT'S OVER.

 

You're doing the very same thing you were doing before. You haven't moved on - you're pining away for this guy and he's using you as his emotional dumping ground. Get a little closer and he may use you to dump some more DNA before he dumps you again.

 

I think it's time you learned some self respect and moved on.

[Versacehottie]

I see him making a lot of excuses for why he can't be with you.

 

I see you making a lot of excuses to stay in touch with him & making this more than it is.

 

(girl, you could conjure up an excuse to reach out to him out of thin air....)

 

It's almost 2019. Are you going to keep doing this sh*t to yourself?

[sunnyd00]

I see him making a lot of excuses for why he can't be with you.

 

I see you making a lot of excuses to stay in touch with him & making this more than it is.

 

(girl, you could conjure up an excuse to reach out to him out of thin air....)

 

It's almost 2019. Are you going to keep doing this sh*t to yourself?

 

No, not going to keep doing this to myself. Last night put it all in perspective.

 

So since the exchanging of "you mean a lot to me", I backed off and didn't message all week (that was Xmas Eve, we wished Merry Christmas after that but that was it) And he also went dead silent... no "hey did you get back safe?" like he normally would. Not talking about football like he normally would, never asked what my plans were for NYE, and worst of all... he never sent a Happy New Year and it has cut me like a knife. I was doing ok until that.... I mean compared to last year when we cancelled each other's plans to spend NYE together, to this year where he doesn't even acknowledge my existence a week after telling me how much I mean to him... I am completely ****in' shattered. He intentionally didn't.. you don't just FORGET. I'm sure he though for at least 1/2 a second last night that we had spend last year's together. And yes, I realize he could have been (and probably was) with with someone else last night but what's the excuse today? And I mean, it's not like he ever had an issue texting other women in MY presence.

 

It just hurts. To spend a year doing whatever with someone, are/were on decent terms and he can't even reach out and wish me a happy New Year.

 

But it's what I needed..... it's the final slap in the face of "he doesn't give a **** about you, you mean NOTHING to him..." to just ignore any message he ever sends me again.

 

It just hurts. A lot.

[ExpatInItaly]

This is why you have to stop picking this scab and finding reasons to contact him, OP.

 

He doesn't need an excuse not to contact you on NYE or today on New Year's Day. I know you are hurt, but your expectations of him are still unrealistic when he's told you he doesn't want to be with you. He knows you want more than he does, and I would take his silence around the holidays this year as confirmation he isn't going to suddenly change his mind about you.

 

You keep setting yourself back and getting upset when it predictably doesn't work out as you'd hoped. Be kinder to yourself in 2019 and stop shooting yourself in the foot and setting yourself up for pain.

[kamani]

OP you are getting the necessary advice so I am not going to do the same. You seem not to listen. From what you have written so far I can realize few things, correct me if I am wrong.

 

1. You are stuck with the fact that he asked you out few years ago, and why doesn't he want you now.. Him asking you out few years ago doesn't mean he wanted a relationship, may be he wanted to use you for sex. Even if he wanted to date you it's a long time ago now and things may have changed a lot. You were having sex past year and may be he got to know you quite more and decided he didn't want a relationship, which is out of your control.

 

2. You tell he was selfish in bed and sex wasn't that great but you still fell for him. Many of us women would leave an FWB in the first instance if the man is selfish in bed and didn't care about our needs. Did he bother about your orgasm, I am curious? Him having sex with you while you were on periods tells how selfish he is.

 

3. You tell you want to know is why he is not having sex with you and you want him to tell you if he has sex with other women. OK, let's say he says "yes I am having sex with other women. But let's do it each alternative day, one day with you and one day with another. So you get more sex..." Are you OK with it? Definitely not.

 

What does all this suggest OP? You desperately want a relationship and not a FWB... I am not personally against FWB, but definitely this is not what you want now. If you are so unsure that you could get it from him, just tell it to him and see his response. So that you know what he wants. What is preventing you from dating other guys OP?

[sunnyd00]

This is why you have to stop picking this scab and finding reasons to contact him, OP.

 

He doesn't need an excuse not to contact you on NYE or today on New Year's Day. I know you are hurt, but your expectations of him are still unrealistic when he's told you he doesn't want to be with you. He knows you want more than he does, and I would take his silence around the holidays this year as confirmation he isn't going to suddenly change his mind about you.

 

You keep setting yourself back and getting upset when it predictably doesn't work out as you'd hoped. Be kinder to yourself in 2019 and stop shooting yourself in the foot and setting yourself up for pain.

 

I don't know, I think my problem is that I feel stupid for being vulnerable and telling him (finally.. and only after he said it) that he meant a lot to me too. I just feel had. And exhausted... I am definitely giving up I know that. There's nothing left.

 

I just read another 50 page thread here where she waited 10 YEARS for the guy to change his mind, I think that's all I needed to see and read...like hell I'd put myself through this for 10 years! 1 year has been long enough. I'm going to put myself back on dating sites and make a real effort... and remember that it's his loss and his issues, not mine not anything I did wrong...(other than yeah, throw myself at him pretty much.) Ugh.