Year-long on/off "thing" is driving me INSANE...time to end it? ****Updated****

[elaine567]

No contact is blocking, not changing names. Who you are trying to fool? You are still waiting for him to contact you, to feel a rush of adrenaline again.

 

 

Yes the whole point of NC, is out of sight out of mind and how can you do that if he is popping up on your phone

 

.

It matters not what you name him on your phone ""DO NOT MSG/REPLY"" or "Dave the Dog" or "That horrible B******" you still know it is him, so get him blocked totally and start the healing process properly.

[sunnyd00]

No contact is blocking, not changing names. Who you are trying to fool? You are still waiting for him to contact you, to feel a rush of adrenaline again.

A couple days without contact won’t do the trick, being addicted to another person means you have a long road of recuperation and hard self work ahead of you. And that starts with you acknowledging of your unhealthy attachments (try to think infancy, attachment to your caregivers and then think of your adult relationships: do you see any pattern)

I wish you well, but this novel won’t probably end here.

 

I can't completely block for work purposes, we have to be in contact for work purposes at times, I am on-call so can't just force him to reach me via email for things.

[ExpatInItaly]

He and I last talked on the 25th and I am going unannounced (I think that's best) NO CONTACT. I plan to go a month, see how I feel on Christmas Day.. if I have cleared my head and moved past it all and want to wish him a Merry Christmas. Maybe by then I won't want to talk to him at all, ever again. I hope so.. even though to me that's sad. He was a friend at one point.

 

I would forget the Merry Christmas message. You are unlikely to be totally over him that soon, and chances are, you will feel like crap no matter how he responds.

 

If he gives you the ol' "thanks, to you too!", you will feel bad that he didn't write more.

 

If he writes some big text about his holiday and asks about yours, you're going to get sucked right back in and get your hopes up.

 

If he doesn't reply right away, you're going to feel pretty crushed that you're not on his mind at all over the holidays.

 

My point is that given how much this has distressed you, I would take the idea of a Christmas greeting out of your mind and just focus on maintaining no contact.

[sunnyd00]

Well I'm back with an update.

 

It's done. In a way I feel relieved that it's done but I'm also hurting and angry.

 

He messaged me during the week like everything was fine, apologizing again for being distant and saying his living situation problem had been resolved. He messaged almost every day asking how work was and everything else and I thought "maybe he was just going through some ****..." I guess my heart is bigger than it should be.

 

Today I messaged (stupidly) saying "I was going to ask you to come over and watch football but I'm not really sure where we're at?? Are we good? Should I stop asking, what are we doing?" (since we haven't hooked up in a few weeks and we've had some arguments....)

 

I won't type the whole thing out but long story short he typed back that we should "stop the physical part of this relationship before it's too late" and that we've just never been on the same page. I said "when did you decide that? I've told you from the beginning to be upfront if you were ever not into it anymore and not make me ASK" He said he decided last week.... I was like wow, thanks for telling me... so you were just waiting for me to invite you over or ask to hang so you could say no?

 

To add to all this which I never mentioned before, he met a woman back in June (before we started hooking up again, right after he broke up with the chic he messaged from my couch) Anyway he says he had a quick connection with her but she left the country for 6 months and when she comes back he didn't know where that would go. That he hadn't seen or talked to her since June (he told me all this last month when I asked WHY we don't hook up more and is there someone else?"

 

Blah blah irrelevant yes I choose to still hook up as long as he told me when she was coming back and if he would be pursuing her. That's MY fault. He never did tell me but I put two and two together today with him not talking to me much the last few weeks and flat out asked. He said yes, she came back yesterday. So there it is.. my gut was right... there WAS a reason he hasn't been talking to me, and it's NOT because of his living situation.

 

I told him I was pissed he kept that from me, he made me feel stupid and misled because I assumed we were still on (hooking up) and still good and he said "I'm sorry you feel that way. We havent really been on the same page this whole time. Im sorry hope you'll forgive me for any hurt I may have caused."

 

I didn't reply. i WANT to, I want to rip right into him and make him feel like **** now then go no contact, because I have nothing to lose now. I dont want him back, Ill never go back... so who cares if I look crazy yelling at him for all the ****ty things he said and did. He's never been accountable because I've always said it's ok and I don't want him to think that this time too is ok!!!

 

UGHHHHHH. I'm just so pissed off. At him, at myself, at wasting a year of my life. At everything.

[Lisa_Lisa]

Well I'm back with an update.

 

It's done. In a way I feel relieved that it's done but I'm also hurting and angry.

 

He messaged me during the week like everything was fine, apologizing again for being distant and saying his living situation problem had been resolved. He messaged almost every day asking how work was and everything else and I thought "maybe he was just going through some ****..." I guess my heart is bigger than it should be.

 

<SNIP>

 

 

I'm glad you sent that text and just asked if you were going to see him again because at least now you know the truth that your instincts were always telling you, but now you have confirmation. This is your closure and you won't be going back to him, BUT I advise you to write him back like it doesn't bother you because if you don't write back he's going to imagine how hurt you must be. I don't want him to have an ego boost thinking about how hurt you must feel. Even though you are, it's best not to let him know it. Now you can focus on your own wants and needs and you can sleep, albeit hurt, knowing he's not coming back. It hurts now, but in two to three months you should be alright. Believe me, I know exactly how you feel.

Edited December 3, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[sunnyd00]

I'm glad you sent that text and just asked if you were going to see him again because at least now you know the truth that your instincts were always telling you, but now you have confirmation. This is your closure and you won't be going back to him, BUT I advise you to write him back like it doesn't bother you because if you don't write back he's going to imagine how hurt you must be. I don't want him to have an ego boost thinking about how hurt you must feel. Even though you are, it's best not to let him know it. Now you can focus on your own wants and needs and you can sleep, albeit hurt, knowing he's not coming back. It hurts now, but in two to three months you should be alright. Believe me, I know exactly how you feel.

 

Thank you <3 Yes I guess I do feel better knowing I was never wrong. I knew/felt there was always someone or something else and he pulled the wool over my eyes over and over again. Yes I take accountability but I sure wish he would too... because of the amount of times I told him "oh its ok, Im sorry you hurt me" basically, he truly thinks he did nothing wrong. And I know some here think he really didn't do anything wrong.. he never promised me anything and we weren't together but I still deserved respect and not to be used and made a fool of.

 

His apology makes me mad because its so "Im sorry for any hurt I hope you forgive me" Like get out of here. He isn't trying hard to apologize because he thinks Ill brush it off and be back tomorrow but guess what?? This was the closure I needed.

 

I did write "cool hope everything works out for you" before he said "Im sorry for any hurt" Im not replying to his apology, it's a stupid generic apology that he doesn't mean. I've never gone dead silent on him for an extended period of time so now is the time so he knows that's it. Not that he'll care. I have my work Christmas party next week and will be sure to stay on the other side of the room.

 

I guess I knew in my mind over the last month that it was done so today isn't as hard hearing that as I thought.. I knew for a while something was up and I finally got him to admit it. I can move on now knowing he truly never cared and be glad I never told him that I did. (though I'm sure he knew it)

[ExpatInItaly]

I'm glad you sent that text and just asked if you were going to see him again because at least now you know the truth that your instincts were always telling you, but now you have confirmation. This is your closure and you won't be going back to him, BUT I advise you to write him back like it doesn't bother you because if you don't write back he's going to imagine how hurt you must be. I don't want him to have an ego boost thinking about how hurt you must feel. Even though you are, it's best not to let him know it. Now you can focus on your own wants and needs and you can sleep, albeit hurt, knowing he's not coming back. It hurts now, but in two to three months you should be alright. Believe me, I know exactly how you feel.

 

With due respect, I would strongly discourage you from following this advice, OP.

 

The ship sailed long ago on pretending like this doesn't bother you. He will see right through that act, and really, it's time to stop worrying about how he perceives you. He just doesn't care that much.

[Lisa_Lisa]

<SNIP>

I did write "cool hope everything works out for you" before he said "Im sorry for any hurt" Im not replying to his apology, it's a stupid generic apology that he doesn't mean. I've never gone dead silent on him for an extended period of time so now is the time so he knows that's it. Not that he'll care. I have my work Christmas party next week and will be sure to stay on the other side of the room.

 

 

 

Ok, I see you did write back as if it didn't bother you. Yeah, in that case there was no need to write back to his "apology." Now you know that it wasn't meant to be. Heal at your own pace, don't beat yourself up for feelings. He was someone you enjoyed spending time with.

Edited December 3, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Versacehottie]

Well i'm sorry that things turned out this way but as i've said the whole thread and more importantly as he said to you--you guys were not on the same page the whole time. I think deep down you agreed to a FWB relationship because you thought it was the only way you could get him and you were so fearful about other girls. For a year, both when and when they were not in the picture, he chose no girlfriend over trying a relationship with you.. My advice would be that if a guy proposes a fwb relationship with you and you want something else then don't agree to fwb. Unfortunately it's not the other girls. If you think about it, what is the difference between you and these other girls? They held out for a real dating relationship whereas you did not. That's how they caught his attention for a relationship.

 

It's not about beating the competition and being better than some other girl. It's about believing you are enough (and what you want is totally fine) and acting like that from day one. I'm kind of afraid that you are not "getting" this part of what happened. Granted today is not the best day to consider it but hopefully you do in the future. ok hang in there

[sunnyd00]

Well i'm sorry that things turned out this way but as i've said the whole thread and more importantly as he said to you--you guys were not on the same page the whole time. I think deep down you agreed to a FWB relationship because you thought it was the only way you could get him and you were so fearful about other girls. For a year, both when and when they were not in the picture, he chose no girlfriend over trying a relationship with you.. My advice would be that if a guy proposes a fwb relationship with you and you want something else then don't agree to fwb. Unfortunately it's not the other girls. If you think about it, what is the difference between you and these other girls? They held out for a real dating relationship whereas you did not. That's how they caught his attention for a relationship.

 

It's not about beating the competition and being better than some other girl. It's about believing you are enough (and what you want is totally fine) and acting like that from day one. I'm kind of afraid that you are not "getting" this part of what happened. Granted today is not the best day to consider it but hopefully you do in the future. ok hang in there

 

I do understand what you are saying and I do agree. The first time around with him I DID call it quits the second I knew there was another woman. I told him I had more respect for myself than that... than to hang around while he goes out sleeping with other women. He said he respected that and for 6 months we didn't mess around.. we were friends who still hung out without getting physical. That STILL didn't make him want anything with me...so yes, naturally.. I feel like it was just ME.

 

The FWB came about 6 months later and once he was single again and we matched on Tinder. I WAS on the same page for a small amount of time until my feelings just grew more...that I can't help.

 

Anyways, its done now and I know with every beat of my heart that I will never go back.

[Versacehottie]

I do understand what you are saying and I do agree. The first time around with him I DID call it quits the second I knew there was another woman. I told him I had more respect for myself than that... than to hang around while he goes out sleeping with other women. He said he respected that and for 6 months we didn't mess around.. we were friends who still hung out without getting physical. That STILL didn't make him want anything with me...so yes, naturally.. I feel like it was just ME.

 

The FWB came about 6 months later and once he was single again and we matched on Tinder. I WAS on the same page for a small amount of time until my feelings just grew more...that I can't help.

 

Anyways, its done now and I know with every beat of my heart that I will never go back.

 

well most importantly i hope you've learned about yourself. As an outsider, i would say that you probably aren't built for this type of relationship. If you are fwb, i would say the most accepted definition would be that there absolutely WILL be other women. Inherent in the arrangement is the freedom to do whatever you want--each person. It's the antithesis of a real relationship with expectations, feelings and obligations and rules. Just saying. Doesn't mean one should be subjected to blatant disrespect or have to deal with this friend making arrangements for other hookups in front of your face but then you just don't deal with it and drop out of the arrangement.

 

Ok well i know it probably feels really hard and bad at the moment but use the strength you are feeling to propel yourself toward what you do want. You might have times where you feel not great but you are steps closer to getting to the right person, someone who can fulfill you. Good luck.

[sunnyd00]

Well I ended up sitting on his stupid unemotional generic apology where he said "Im sorry you feel that way. I hope you'll forgive me for any hurt I've caused" then just unloaded. Honestly I have nothing to lose at this point...I'm not trying to get him back or win him over anymore so who cares if he thinks I'm crazy...I needed to let him know that some **** he said and did was super disrespectful to me as person while also taking accountability for allowing it. I had to. I wanted to last word and I want him to feel like an *******, because he is. Despite what some here say... there's so much more to the story and **** he did that intentionally made me feel worthless. I refuse to take all the blame for allowing someone to treat me that way. That's not fair.

 

So I said:

"No. Not this time. My mistake has been never holding you accountable for anything so you now actually think you did nothing wrong. That's on me. I dont know any self-respecting woman who would have said "oh its ok" as many times as I did to **** you said and did. Read back our year of messages sometime and you'll see. When you said you were being an ******* trying to have his cake and eat it too, I should have listened. You dont have to reply, I have nothing more to say."

 

And whether it was right or not to send that I don't care. I don't care what he thinks of me. It's to make me feel better for saying how made me feel, and now I do. I dont expect a response from him nor want one. I just want him to know how he made me feel.

[Lisa_Lisa]

Well I ended up sitting on his stupid unemotional generic apology where he said "Im sorry you feel that way. I hope you'll forgive me for any hurt I've caused" then just unloaded. Honestly I have nothing to lose at this point...I'm not trying to get him back or win him over anymore so who cares if he thinks I'm crazy...I needed to let him know that some **** he said and did was super disrespectful to me as person while also taking accountability for allowing it. I had to. I wanted to last word and I want him to feel like an *******, because he is. Despite what some here say... there's so much more to the story and **** he did that intentionally made me feel worthless. I refuse to take all the blame for allowing someone to treat me that way. That's not fair.

 

So I said:

"No. Not this time. My mistake has been never holding you accountable for anything so you now actually think you did nothing wrong. That's on me. I dont know any self-respecting woman who would have said "oh its ok" as many times as I did to **** you said and did. Read back our year of messages sometime and you'll see. When you said you were being an ******* trying to have his cake and eat it too, I should have listened. You dont have to reply, I have nothing more to say."

 

And whether it was right or not to send that I don't care. I don't care what he thinks of me. It's to make me feel better for saying how made me feel, and now I do. I dont expect a response from him nor want one. I just want him to know how he made me feel.

 

 

I hear ya, you wanted to let it all out. Sometimes we have to let someone know how they hurt us. Whether or not you two become cordial work friends or not, he knows how his behavior made you feel. Holding it in sometimes hurt us like a tumor. Better to let it out. At least know you know there is no going back and you won't fall for his tactics again.

[sunnyd00]

I hear ya, you wanted to let it all out. Sometimes we have to let someone know how they hurt us. Whether or not you two become cordial work friends or not, he knows how his behavior made you feel. Holding it in sometimes hurt us like a tumor. Better to let it out. At least know you know there is no going back and you won't fall for his tactics again.

 

Thank you...yes I had to. I've bit my tongue for so long and let him think he could literally get away with anything. I just wanted him to know that I did recognize when he said and did disrespectful things, even if I allowed it... I just want him to feel like an ass...... I don't want to hear from him but I at least want him to feel guilty and bad.

 

I have the company Christmas party next week and don't know how the hell this is going to go. I know him well enough to know he will act like nothing happened and be all nice... and I know myself well enough to know, Ill be nice back....... I'm going to try and stay on the otherside of the room and not even make eye contact. Ugh.

[ExpatInItaly]

Be civil at the work party, but don't engage with him. Avoid him as much as you can, for your own sanity.

[sunnyd00]

Well I have quite a bit of an update. Last I wrote I was worried about being at the Christmas party with him. We'd had a big blowout where I sent that text saying I gave him so many chances and said "oh its ok" so many times when no self-respecting woman would have. He never replied to that (I told him not to) and we didn't talk for a couple weeks.

 

Well the day of the Christmas party came and a coworker told me all who was going and didn't say his name. (they work in the same department and they were all going together..) I started feeling bad, like "is he not going because of me?? That's not what I want... regardless of where we're at, if he's skipping a good time with his friends because of me that makes me feel bad...

 

So I texted him just saying "I hope you're not skipping the party because you think I'd confront you or something, I would never do that..for the record... " He replied immediately "no that's not why, I'm just not in the mood." I replied "ok" and he said "I would like to talk sometime... I just have a lot going on in my life right now, maybe next week?" I said sure. That week came and went without a peep then I got a long text asking how I was, saying he was a mess (because of family stuff and living situation...) He opened up about all this stuff going on, grandma not doing well, sister sick, former coworker died, landlord trying to kick him out etc.. said he wasn't sleeping or eating and in a bad place..that he wasn't avoiding talking to me but he just can't right now. I said I hoped he was doing ok and to let me know when he was ready to talk. He said "thank you, you're a good friend.. even if I don't deserve it."

 

Holidays came around.. I had accepted we weren't going to talk and he was probably making excuses and playing a pity card, we weren't going to work things out, he was probably seeing this woman now who came back from out of town and I started the process (again) of moving on and trying to forget him.

 

Christmas Eve (we hadn't talked in a week) he texts me asking if I went home for Christmas and we made smalltalk. I asked how he was doing, he said better now that he was home with family. I said I was glad he was with his family and that he was doing better.

 

And he said "You mean a lot to me sunnyd00. Hugggggggg"

 

WHAT? He has never said anything even remotely close to that to me. Nothing emotional or endearing has ever come out of his mouth to me.. he's been so careful to not give me the wrong idea. And, smart me is understanding that he meant this in a "as a friend" way.. I'm sure that's it. But the other part of me is hopeful obviously that he's been thinking a lot while we haven't been talking... I don't know. I know I'm being completely stupid and overthinking it.. so that's why I'm here to get some sense knocked into me again.

[Lisa_Lisa]

Hi, hope you had a great holiday and thanks for updating. The only thing that comes to mind is this:

 

You shouldn't have texted him because it prevents you from moving on, but you did and you got an immediate reply which made you feel good, but then he went silent making you feel crappy and then you had a back and forth and he tells you you mean a lot to him.

 

I have to say just take it as a nice compliment, but not worth putting your eggs in the basket. Unless he asks to speak with you, makes a date to see you, and invests time and effort into making a connection with you, it's all words on a screen.

 

He knows you want him badly (hence the text) and doesn't mind dangling the carrot till he gets bored or things don't work out with that woman.

 

A man will do what he wants and I don't think he wants to do much.

 

I'm afraid even if you do meet up, it's going to be the same old thing all over again UNTIL you hold him up to some standards. Only then will things work out in your favor.

 

Let him reach out going forward if he chooses.

 

If and when he does, let him ask to see you and you can set up and agree to a dinner date (no bar and nothing close to anyone's apartment). Chat, catch up, and then go home.

 

It's time to get him emotionally attracted to you.

 

That's if you want this to possibly go somewhere.

 

I'm sure other advice might to move on and forget him, but it's obvious you can't. So I can only advise you that starting today, DO NOT text him at all. You guys caught up, talked, the only thing left is to set up something up, but he has to be the one to ask. Not you.

 

Hope this helps.

Edited December 29, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[ExpatInItaly]

I don’t see anything too significant there, other than a guy wanting to assuage his guilty conscience and maybe keep you warm if he wants to come back for more sex.

 

You need to let go, girl.

[stillafool]

From your previous post I thought you were over this guy. Why did you text him again about the Christmas party? You should have minded your business and left him alone so he would know you are over him. Instead you are planning a meet up with him. What are you doing?????? BTW, you said he "used you", how? You are throwing yourself at him.

Edited December 29, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[losangelena]

This guy is so lame! (face-palm)

 

He disappears for weeks and then sends you walls of texts complaining about all the ish going on in his life (and he always has some drama happening, right?) and an empty promise of, “I'll reach out soon.” What a load of horse bollocks. A genuinely interested man does not act this way, they don’t leave you hanging like that.

 

Pearls to swine, darling. Stop throwing them out at him.

[sunnyd00]

You guy are right, thanks. He should never have disappeared and used all his issues as an excuse for that... My guess is, things didn't work out as he hoped with this woman (ie. he waited 6 months for her to come back then she wasn't interested) and he's been wallowing in self-pity over the holidays at everything wrong in his life, probably just telling me things I want to hear while he continues to search for someone else to pursue properly. I don't really feel that bad sending the text about the Christmas party... I would have had to reach out that week anyways as we lost an old coworker, someone he was close to...so I would have said "I'm sorry to hear about.. hope you're ok" regardless..because I'm just not a ****ty person.

 

Oddly, I don't feel all caught up in it again or anything. I'm not dying to see him (been two months...we don't see each other at work), not dying to talk to him, not wondering if he is seeing anyone and was doing just fine last week with no plans to even wish him a Merry Christmas. He reached out, and I don't know... he's always kept our personal lives SO separate, he's never opened up about much, then suddenly he is. He's never so much as said "you're great" to me, nevermind "you mean alot to me" so it has just thrown me, that's all. Coming from him, I'm sure it means nothing at all... in fact, he probably didn't even mean it. I don't know.

[stillafool]

 

He reached out, and I don't know... he's always kept our personal lives SO separate, he's never opened up about much, then suddenly he is. He's never so much as said "you're great" to me, nevermind "you mean alot to me" so it has just thrown me, that's all. Coming from him, I'm sure it means nothing at all... in fact, he probably didn't even mean it. I don't know.

 

No, you reached out to him first. Stop yourself from doing that.

[Malin889]

I am going to end things. How do I do it without sounding bitter and pissed (we've done this so many times he's going to think I'm a. pissed off and b. not serious and will run back.) Do I tell him I just know he's not being truthful so I don't want to do it anymore, or give no explanation and say I think we should could it quits and let him wonder why?

 

Just don’t get in touch with him again. When he gets in touch with you, tell him you don’t think it’s a good idea to continue down this path. Or just lie and say you’ve met someone else.

[losangelena]

It doesn’t really matter if he meant it—he probably did. But I’m pretty sure he means, “you make me feel good about myself,” or, “you don’t give me ish that we both know you could rightly give me.”

 

Whether or not he cares is irrelevant to this situation. The reality is, he’s treated you like crap, used you, ignored you for long stretches, texted other women in your presence ... shall I go on? Someone else already said it—regardless of what he says, he doesn’t act right. Keep your mind on that.

[olivetree]

When someone is in a bad place and that's when they reach out to you (in this case after you already reached out to him), that's not a compliment.

It means he's sad and lonely, needs some ego kibbles and you're always there to give it to him.

 

You need to completely move on from this guy.

No personal chat, just completely move on.

Even if he suddenly made all of the right moves... your attitude should be that that ship has sailed.

 

Not reaching out because a coworker died doesn't make you a [bad] person, it makes you one who has boundaries and standards.

Edited December 28, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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