Year-long on/off "thing" is driving me INSANE...time to end it? ****Updated****

[sunnyd00]

It's quite obvious that you are fooling yourself. You say you are okay with casual sex as long as he let's you know if he's having sex with others. That is not true. You want a relationship with him and that is why you have this 40 page thread going. He has made it clear to you that he isn't going to be with you other than casual. He will not tell you about his private life and I don't blame him. That is not what your relationship is about. Stop expecting him to tell you his truths and decide what you are going to do about your life. Women need to stop saying they don't mind casual when they know they want more. They accept casual just to get the guy in bed in hopes of cultivating a relationship and that isn't happening here.

 

It's 6 pages. But yes I know what you mean... yes I do want more. I was honestly ok with it for a bit but he doesn't give me what I want. If he actually initiated and wanted to hook up more, and I knew he'd be honest...I'd be ok with that. But that's not happening and the less he gives the more I want. It's pathetic really. I never should have agreed to/propositioned it.

[sunnyd00]

You are sooooo caught up. Sorry, your way of dealing with this is becoming pathetic (sorry i know it might hurt to hear but it's absolutely true). You are stuck in the minutia. You are looking toward the "disclosure" that he is interested in someone else as the signal of whether you "still have a chance" and can be in his life. Ugh. Seriously, have some self-respect. Hanging onto whether or not his story about the landlord living issue is significant for him not to have sent a two second checking in text. So by all means above, you reached out to him right? You want a clear cut signal of what you mean to him? Do nothing and see what he does. {snip}

Thank you very much for all of this. I hope it clicks in my stupid naive brain sooner rather than later. I am definitely tired. Exhausted. Waving my white flag.

 

I have chased and accepted breadcrumbs and the more I do that the less he gives, and thinks that's ok. It's my fault, granted... but it's not ok. You're right.. do nothing and see if he cares. I already know he doesn't..it's just really hard to accept after spending a year with someone and actually having some good times despite all the bull**** that has gone with it.

 

I am going to cut if off and go NC, that's what's best for me. I'm losing nothing, he's given me nothing.

Edited November 27, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[sunnyd00]

Does it really matter?

 

Even though you're not quite ready to accept it, the point is that this guy doesn't want a relationship with you.

 

It thus follows that he wouldn't be worried about keeping in touch with you if life has indeed thrown a curveball his way. You are not on his list of priorities, because to him, you are his sex-friend. Not his girlfriend. If you two were dating, then sure, I could see why you'd be angry that he'd gone quiet. But, this is just sex and some no-strings fun, OP. When life gets busy or stressful for him, it's no problem (for him) to let contact drop with you. You're not what's truly important to him, at the end of the day. A lot of other things and people come before you.

 

I would also would not be naive enough to assume he's going to be an open book with you about other girls in his life.

 

Well...you're going to cringe when I say this..but when he explained in a massive paragraph why he's been MIA, about being stressed, angry, upset, etc because of his living situation.... he added "as you can see I have a lot on my mind and I apologize you're not one of them right now but women just aren't a priority to me while I deal with this unless they are looking for a roommate."

 

GOD just reading that outloud... how stupid am I?!

[sunnyd00]

He doesn't want to end it. He wants to just keep it going as is and do whatever else he feels like doing at the same time and probably with as many women as he can juggle. He is being disrespectful. Anyone you've agreed to an FWB with probably isn't ever going to treat you other than an FWB because they know that's all you expect. So it's making you miserable and you're hoping for more, but he's perfectly happy as is. He's certainly not going to "fall in love" with you at this late a date, right?

He probably is doing it with multiple...he's really bad at juggling because it's beyond obvious that's what's going on. My mistake was accepting this and giving him everything he wanted whenever he wanted. The first time around, when I found him texting the woman from my couch.. I cut it off right then and there and had my dignity and respect. I left him alone while he dated her for 6 months even though he continued to text me. I wish I had stayed that hard-headed this time around and said the same thing "nope, you're with other women then you're not with me." That's where it all went wrong.

 

He won't fall in love with me. He's already put me in a different box.. I realize that. I guess deep down I always hoped that as he very much appeared to enjoy my company and our time together, he'd just click late like "we have so much in common, she's great.. maybe I explore this more.." I was only fooling myself.

[Highndry]

Thank you very much for all of this. I hope it clicks in my stupid naive brain sooner rather than later. I am definitely tired. Exhausted. Waving my white flag.

 

I have chased and accepted breadcrumbs and the more I do that the less he gives, and thinks that's ok. It's my fault, granted... but it's not ok. You're right.. do nothing and see if he cares. I already know he doesn't..it's just really hard to accept after spending a year with someone and actually having some good times despite all the bull**** that has gone with it.

 

I am going to cut if off and go NC, that's what's best for me. I'm losing nothing, he's given me nothing.

 

 

Do the mature thing and calmly and respectfully tell him that the relationship does not work for you and that you will not be in contact with him anymore and would appreciate that he do the same and not contact you.

 

 

 

Too many people use no contact as some sort of tool or game where they're either trying to punish someone by ignoring them (which in your case does nothing because he does not want anything serious with you and has other women), or trying to get them back (which does not work, either). No contact is to detach and heal.

[sunnyd00]

Do the mature thing and calmly and respectfully tell him that the relationship does not work for you and that you will not be in contact with him anymore and would appreciate that he do the same and not contact you.

 

 

 

Too many people use no contact as some sort of tool or game where they're either trying to punish someone by ignoring them (which in your case does nothing because he does not want anything serious with you and has other women), or trying to get them back (which does not work, either). No contact is to detach and heal.

 

I definitely will let him know and then cease contact. It won't be to get him running back. I need to get over this, I fell too hard and he took advantage of that to the bitter end.

[Versacehottie]

I'm sure I'm being super naive when I say this, but I'm not sure it's that he's not attracted to me. I just think he's much much more attracted to someone else and doesn't want anything serious with me at all. I know that now. But he tells me he's attracted to me, I turn him on no problem when we do get together.<snip>

 

It's a very and TOO simple-minded of a thought process to assume that he's an either OR on whichever women he spends time with. You have to get out of that thinking. This kind of thought process is having you throw yourself at him literally and figuratively because you are assuming what guy wouldn't want sex and if he enjoys time with you there is no block for you guys becoming something when his life circumstances allow it (and if you best or knock off the competition, i.e. other girls). The thing is he probably long ago put you into a category that he has fun with you but doesn't see himself in a serious relationship with you. That could have started because of where he was in life at that moment or just how he thought of you or being co-workers or combo thereof. The point is that continuing to see him under these circumstances and then under even suckier ones, all the while hanging on for dear life, trying to prove yourself to him etc is hurting your case NOT helping it.

 

I think guys (and people for that matter) reach a threshold point of where they have enough info and will firmly put you in a category where they do not want a relationship with you, even though they were open to exploring one at some point previous. I'd say that women who get the sort of treatment you are getting have passed that threshold in his mind, i.e. firmly in the "do not ever consider her serious relationship material for me". Guys especially can enjoy the attention and flirt dangerously with a pseudo relationship (seems like one in some ways) and have absolutely no intention of ever changing it in any way--which has nothing to do with other girls or anything other than he doesn't see it with you. I do believe he's attracted to you. I bet he sees you as some sort of friend though, in a looser definition than most girls have and one that will never satisfy you. He will continue to do what he does with you, taking breaks here and there due to other things going on in his life as long as it serves it (more positive than not and taking the risk sometimes when he thinks you will freak out or get mad at him about something but needs an ego boost or some companionship).

 

You can buy the excuse of the moving etc (i seriously think it's embarrassing and again not helping you that you are quizzing him about "other girls"). I think it's an excuse of priorities really--just like he says--but it doesn't change what he wants with you. He might be hooking up and playing around sure but doubt he has too much time for any one girl. Plus if he had one he really cares about and if going to make a life change for, you would know it definitively in the fact that his contact with you would change drastically or become nonexistent. Why hang on until he finds that person? Find your own guy that gives you all these good feelings. I think it will take you a while to heal so you might as well start on that part now.

 

Listen if you guys are meant to be, he will come back very clearly and definitively. I know a few times where that has happened to friends of mine--almost always it was too late--they were able to make it "too late" because they mentally moved on and usually were with someone else by that point. The majority of the ones that got sucked back in because they didn't move on mentally just typically ended up wasting more time and nothing changed the outcome it just dragged out some more. I will try to think of some where the outcome was good and what they had hoped for but right now I can't think of any--meaning you shouldn't do it either! I honestly believe that mentally and literally moving on is the only chance you have to change this dynamic. And you can't hold out hope or stay in contact, doesn't send the message to him or to yourself of what you need to do.

 

Here's the thing, if he comes back after great changes in your dynamic and you've had a chance to shift the power dynamic you two have with each other by having other people, priorities and interests in your life, you can always consider it at that time. You'll be in a better place to make it successful and hopefully see things more clearly about him. But making those other things happen in your life is KEY to getting there with any guy so start doing it. You can't continue like this and get the outcome you want with him (and hopefully you've learned a valuable lesson about how to value yourself---i don't speak just about the sex part with saying that--i mean how you show another person your worth). This ain't it. Good luck

Edited November 28, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Truncate quote

[losangelena]

Well...you're going to cringe when I say this..but when he explained in a massive paragraph why he's been MIA, about being stressed, angry, upset, etc because of his living situation.... he added "as you can see I have a lot on my mind and I apologize you're not one of them right now but women just aren't a priority to me while I deal with this unless they are looking for a roommate."

 

GOD just reading that outloud... how stupid am I?!

 

Ugh, NEXT HIM.

 

He is literally telling you you’re not a priority. How much more clearly does it need to be said?

 

Stop beating yourself up. Stop calling yourself stupid and naive. You’re human and we all make mistakes, but you should stop degrading yourself in word and action; it’s not cute. Just shut the door on this low-quality idiot.

[Versacehottie]

Ugh, NEXT HIM.

 

He is literally telling you you’re not a priority. How much more clearly does it need to be said?

 

Stop beating yourself up. Stop calling yourself stupid and naive. You’re human and we all make mistakes, but you should stop degrading yourself in word and action; it’s not cute. Just shut the door on this low-quality idiot.

 

I agree that you need to stop beating yourself up. In pointing out the things you could do differently, it's so you can understand, learn and do them differently the next time. Not to continue to beat yourself up for this one. Same as very black and white thinking about if the sex is easy and available, and he doesn't bite it must mean he has someone else (not accurate); the answer for what happened is multi-layered too and involved both of you. Not just anything you did wrong, right or whatever.

 

Things and people aren't fixed things to be acted to provoke a known outcome. It's all fluid and changing--with everyone. That's why you need to assess the current situation and act upon the current situation. The best first thing you could do is to stop calling yourself names and demeaning yourself. ACTION will help you feel better. Sitting in your feelings about this won't. There is so much you are hypothesizing about and you might be wrong because you are coming to conclusions about who you are, who he is and what he means etc. It's not productive and the conclusions might not be accurate. It's just not helpful to your getting over this.

[Lisa_Lisa]

Hey Sunnyd00, how are coping today?

Edited November 28, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Topical content

[sunnyd00]

Hey Sunnyd00, how are coping today?

 

[]I'm ok, back to work after a trip away for the holiday weekend where I had hoped not to think of him but it was exact opposite.) I of course couldn't control myself and sent a "ok, something is obviously up.. I haven't heard from you in over a week.." He got defensive and spewed all this "stressed about this and that, it's not you..." Which, maybe it isn't...but really, it takes a second to say hi. He literally said "I have a lot on my mind right now and I apologize you are not one of those things on my mind... but women aren't a priority right now while I deal with this.." So I told him I hope things get sorted, let me know if he needs anything and left it there. I won't be bothering him again.

[]

Edited November 28, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Topical content

[sunnyd00]

I agree that you need to stop beating yourself up. In pointing out the things you could do differently, it's so you can understand, learn and do them differently the next time. Not to continue to beat yourself up for this one. Same as very black and white thinking about if the sex is easy and available, and he doesn't bite it must mean he has someone else (not accurate); the answer for what happened is multi-layered too and involved both of you. Not just anything you did wrong, right or whatever.

 

Things and people aren't fixed things to be acted to provoke a known outcome. It's all fluid and changing--with everyone. That's why you need to assess the current situation and act upon the current situation. The best first thing you could do is to stop calling yourself names and demeaning yourself. ACTION will help you feel better. Sitting in your feelings about this won't. There is so much you are hypothesizing about and you might be wrong because you are coming to conclusions about who you are, who he is and what he means etc. It's not productive and the conclusions might not be accurate. It's just not helpful to your getting over this.

 

Thanks for the kind words. I know essentially he is the one being a jerk, taking advantage of my feelings he must obviously know I have. I just wish I'd never allowed it to go on this long, he's gotten worse and worse like it's a game "how crappy can I be to her before she finally walks away." *sigh*

 

I do feel done, I don't feel a desperate need to reach out and make it work anymore. I feel drained and done and ready to get on with the healing process.

[sunnyd00]

<SNIP>

 

I think guys (and people for that matter) reach a threshold point of where they have enough info and will firmly put you in a category where they do not want a relationship with you, even though they were open to exploring one at some point previous. I'd say that women who get the sort of treatment you are getting have passed that threshold in his mind, i.e. firmly in the "do not ever consider her serious relationship material for me". Guys especially can enjoy the attention and flirt dangerously with a pseudo relationship (seems like one in some ways) and have absolutely no intention of ever changing it in any way--which has nothing to do with other girls or anything other than he doesn't see it with you. I do believe he's attracted to you. <SNIP>

 

I really appreciate your well-thought out response and taking the time to say all this to me. Means a lot! I guess it's just really hard for me to believe that he is not with anyone else if he isn't sleeping with me much..but that doesn't even matter. Like everyone here has said... I'll never know and it's not about what he is or isn't doing, it's about how it makes me feel regardless that I am NOT his priority, and I am hardly even an option.

 

It's just so hard to accept when we DO have a great together and I know he does.. then things just get worse everytime they get better. It makes no sense to me.

 

I'm done trying to figure him out though.. if he wanted to be with me he would, it's that simple.

 

I saw a quote yesterday that I'm just going to keep telling myself!

 

"If the feelings are mutual, the effort will be equal."

 

It's that simple, isn't it???

Edited November 27, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Lisa_Lisa]

Hi sunnyd00,

 

 

It says: sunnyd00 has chosen not to receive private messages or may not be allowed to receive private messages. Therefore you may not send your message to him/her.

 

 

I think it may have to do with your settings. Otherwise please try to send me a message...not sure how it works.

[Versacehottie]

I really appreciate your well-thought out response and taking the time to say all this to me. Means a lot! I guess it's just really hard for me to believe that he is not with anyone else if he isn't sleeping with me much..but that doesn't even matter. Like everyone here has said... I'll never know and it's not about what he is or isn't doing, it's about how it makes me feel regardless that I am NOT his priority, and I am hardly even an option.

 

It's just so hard to accept when we DO have a great together and I know he does.. then things just get worse everytime they get better. It makes no sense to me.

 

I'm done trying to figure him out though.. if he wanted to be with me he would, it's that simple.

 

I saw a quote yesterday that I'm just going to keep telling myself!

 

"If the feelings are mutual, the effort will be equal."

 

It's that simple, isn't it???

 

yes it's that simple.

 

I think you need to eventually stop selling yourself the story that he's a jerk--he's just not up to your standards or on the same page with you and can't give you want you want. That will help you re-focus onto how you should be evaluating future potential guys that come into your life. Someone is either open, ready, available for a relationship AND able to meet your needs or not. Better than classifying a guy as good or bad (too simple-minded) and ignores the other component of if someone is ready and emotionally available to you and able to meet your needs. It's harmful to someone who thinks like you do to either put someone on a pedestal or kick them into hell. Most people are somewhere in between and only part of them is a fixed component--the rest is how they relate to you which is a moving object and fluid in nature.

 

In your most recent conversation with him, i don't see anything where he is being a jerk. He is trying to accommodate answering you under the terms of the arrangement you guys both signed up for. It's you that is changing the terms and expecting contact like a gf or someone he is dating rather than casual FWB relationship. Your expectations have changed and you two are no longer on the same page and he is unwilling to give you what you want (maybe you haven't outright asked for it but i think it's pretty obvious that his answer wouldn't be what you want if you did ask). He's reluctant but he hasn't changed his position--you changed yours. Texting another girl after he just hooked up with you, is sensitivity chip missing for sure, but again i don't know if it breaches a FWB relationship. idk, maybe when a guy does that shouldn't get a next FWB hookup from you just on principle and disrespect alone. But you guys did and have had some good times too. While it comes from a flattering place, he could be just as annoyed that you didn't mean what you agreed to at the beginning and have created drama and obligation out of something that should be anything but. I think girls need to be honest with themselves though--not many of them that can legit do a FWB relationship. Someone is bound to be hurt. Glad you are moving on.

[sunnyd00]

<SNIP> But you guys did and have had some good times too. While it comes from a flattering place, he could be just as annoyed that you didn't mean what you agreed to at the beginning and have created drama and obligation out of something that should be anything but. I think girls need to be honest with themselves though--not many of them that can legit do a FWB relationship. Someone is bound to be hurt. Glad you are moving on.

 

When you say it all that way, you're right. He's not ever promised me anything, he's not led me on other than cooking me dinner, having me stay over, cuddling, kind of blurring the lines and being confusing to me. I am normally cool if we don't speak for a week or longer but this time around I was sensitive to it just based on us having a great time one night, hooking up (here's the thing that set me off.... I couldn't have sex with him that night because of that time of month...for TMI..... but still made sure he was pleasured, I like doing that... As soon as we were done fooling around he said "we're not going to fight are we? It might be another month before we get together again..." And it just killed the whole night for me...so when he then goes over a week of not even messaging me I got annoyed, because I felt used..... even though, yes.. this is the arrangement. I guess I'd just rather he had said "that was great, we'll get together again soon so you can enjoy too... " kind of thing as stupid as that sounds..lol.. To be honest, he's selfish in bed, never asks what I like or if I'm good.. and it bothers me.... This whole entire thing has been on his terms.

 

Yeah what am I lusting after here, I know....

Edited November 27, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Versacehottie]

He blurs the lines and takes advantage in that way because he can differentiate companionship and affection from true feelings. Easier biologically. Guess you should have revised the FWB to either not include dinners, cuddling etc or have an option to renegotiate if those things occurred Give yourself a break, so much of this stuff is biological and you can't help it nor can he.

 

It takes two people to blur those lines. Another reason i keep harping on not making him out to be predatory is because then guess what? You are a victim. You need to get out of victim mode and take a lesson from this, not baggage. You learned what works for you as far as if you are the type of person who can do FWB or not, what you liked about what you guys had and what you didn't. I hope you are learning that you need to show your worth at every step of the way. Another reason it's not smart to classify people as good or bad people. Better as good for you or bad for you. The first way always puts you in a state where passively you accept them into your life without doing much to mold the relationship you need. You should never give up the ability to influence a dynamic between you and another person. If you see them as a fixed good or bad person who you still want to be with, you lose your "voice" and your power.

[sunnyd00]

He blurs the lines and takes advantage in that way because he can differentiate companionship and affection from true feelings. Easier biologically. Guess you should have revised the FWB to either not include dinners, cuddling etc or have an option to renegotiate if those things occurred Give yourself a break, so much of this stuff is biological and you can't help it nor can he.

 

It takes two people to blur those lines. Another reason i keep harping on not making him out to be predatory is because then guess what? You are a victim. You need to get out of victim mode and take a lesson from this, not baggage. You learned what works for you as far as if you are the type of person who can do FWB or not, what you liked about what you guys had and what you didn't. I hope you are learning that you need to show your worth at every step of the way. Another reason it's not smart to classify people as good or bad people. Better as good for you or bad for you. The first way always puts you in a state where passively you accept them into your life without doing much to mold the relationship you need. You should never give up the ability to influence a dynamic between you and another person. If you see them as a fixed good or bad person who you still want to be with, you lose your "voice" and your power.

You're right... he's not a bad person. He's actually, believe it or not, a really nice guy.... He is only following what we set up, I have no been. That's on me. I just do feel like if he knows I have feelings he should have cut it off if he knows I'm hanging on trying to get him to want something more.. that's all. Other than that, yeah... he's done everything we agreed to. My expectations have risen the more time we spend together and I guess that isn't fair because he has no idea. At this point I almost feel like explaining to him that I have feelings and want more, not to see if he'll say yes...I know his answer, but so he understands why I acted kinda crazy :S

[Versacehottie]

You're right... he's not a bad person. He's actually, believe it or not, a really nice guy.... He is only following what we set up, I have no been. That's on me. I just do feel like if he knows I have feelings he should have cut it off if he knows I'm hanging on trying to get him to want something more.. that's all. Other than that, yeah... he's done everything we agreed to. My expectations have risen the more time we spend together and I guess that isn't fair because he has no idea. At this point I almost feel like explaining to him that I have feelings and want more, not to see if he'll say yes...I know his answer, but so he understands why I acted kinda crazy :S

 

Nah to the bolded. Your mind will look for ways to prolong this and get answers and keep contact. It's simple you need ACTION away from him and toward what you want. Wallowing in any part of the thought process is just a way to keep "living" the relationship. Since you will have those thoughts just like a breakup cause that's what it is to you, just set aside 15 minutes a day where you can think about him/it all you want. The rest of the day resist and tell yourself "stop" and allow yourself to set it aside until the 15 minute period.

 

I'm sure he knows you have feelings so it's nothing that needs to be explained. He doesn't need an explanation for why you've been acting kinda crazy. Guys know they are playing with fire WHENEVER they sign up for an arrangement like this. Fire = crazy from the FWB. Your best healing is to go out and get the life you want. which is harder than sticking with "solving" this. If you can make it a few months, you will then REALLY be able to concentrate on the life you want and people who should be in it. Time is finite so any more time you devote to him/thoughts of him/beating yourself up is taken away from the time you should be devoting to your best life and will delay you getting that. So that's the caution of staying stuck (among others) in your current headspace. Why not in the next post tell us how you are going to make it through today/this week?

[lana-banana]

The guy has literally told you you aren't a priority. This isn't just a lost cause, this is an utterly futile one, and no amount of thinking or ruminating will make you feel better. Stop talking to him. Stop thinking about what you want to text him. Stop worrying about how you might sound. Block his number (he can reach you on your work email, no?) and start moving on. You are clearly still very worked up about it---this thread may be making it worse---so maybe spend a while detaching from thoughts of him?

 

Good luck and best wishes!

[Versacehottie]

The guy has literally told you you aren't a priority. This isn't just a lost cause, this is an utterly futile one, and no amount of thinking or ruminating will make you feel better. Stop talking to him. Stop thinking about what you want to text him. Stop worrying about how you might sound. Block his number (he can reach you on your work email, no?) and start moving on. You are clearly still very worked up about it---this thread may be making it worse---so maybe spend a while detaching from thoughts of him?

 

Good luck and best wishes!

 

I agree with the bolded. Shades of reminding me of the murky other man/other women forum Be cautious that you aren't using this thread to "experience" the pseudo relationship. I think when you are ruminating, discussing it at any cost is easier/better in your mind than moving forward concretely which seems hard to your mind. That's what you need to do though.

[losangelena]

And he’s not even interested in pleasing you in bed? Boy, bye ...

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, allow me to share my experience from the other side of the coin:

 

I'm a woman but had a male FWB a few years back. He was truly a decent guy, we got along well, and obviously there was some physical attraction. I knew from the get-go I didn't like him enough to make a relationship out of it, and he actually randomly said one night he wasn't looking for a girlfriend. We were on the same page.

 

So, we spent time together when it suited us both. Had dinner sometimes, other times just hanging out at my or his place. Went out for drinks on a few occasions. But I didn't have that "spark" for him, nor any interest in forming a deeper bond. We had our fun, but I could easily compartmentalize and go days (or weeks) without talking to him. He just wasn't on my mind like that. I knew this would be a temporary arrangement, and this went on for maybe a little under a year.

 

I eventually met my current partner, and when I did, I stopped everything with FWB. I was honest that I'd met someone and was going to focus on him, and didn't think much of it because FWB always maintained he didn't want a relationship. Turns out that wasn't quite accurate. He was upset. He told me he thought we had something more. Had I known he felt that way, I would have ended it long before I did. It was never my intention to lead him on, and I had been honest with him that I didn't think we were a match long-term (which he'd initially said, too) I felt pretty bad and I realized he hadn't been honest with me that he had felt something more. Would it have changed the ultimate outcome? No. Would it have brought to an end sooner? Without a doubt.

 

OP, I have a feeling your guy is in a similar frame of mind as I once was. It's not that he dislikes you or isn't attracted to you physically. It's not that he doesn't enjoy your company. But it is that he doesn't have deeper feelings for you. You have gone along with it until now, and you need to stop. It's being disingenuous to yourself.

[sunnyd00]

Thank you for sharing, I appreciate it. I know that's exactly what it is and exactly how he feels. I guess in a way I am not being honest with him either so why should he? Just toxic all around.

 

To answer a question up above on how I'm going to make this week positive/get through it... I am thankfully very busy at work and won't have to think too much during the day. (he and I don't see each other at work) And... for starters to not contact I have changed his name in my phone to "DO NOT MSG/REPLY" Lol.... it's easier than seeing his name at least for now.

 

I am starting to feel a bit better like we never would have worked anyway and his distance is actually helping me detach and take off my rose-coloured glasses. I look at all his qualities, and sure he has a few, but I am most certain I am so hung up on it solely because I can't have him/for validation. I can admit that... I mean when he asked me out years ago I had zero interest in him.... why now? Ugh. It's all so confusing.

 

And, just to comment about this thread not helping...I am honestly not looking for anyone to tell me he probably has feelings or anything. I more came to hear what I don't want to believe.... and you have all been wonderful. Thank you to everyone who has chimed in... I really really hope I can come back with a more positive thread on meeting some new wonderful person.

 

He and I last talked on the 25th and I am going unannounced (I think that's best) NO CONTACT. I plan to go a month, see how I feel on Christmas Day.. if I have cleared my head and moved past it all and want to wish him a Merry Christmas. Maybe by then I won't want to talk to him at all, ever again. I hope so.. even though to me that's sad. He was a friend at one point.

Edited November 28, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[irresolute]

Thank you for sharing, I appreciate it. I know that's exactly what it is and exactly how he feels. I guess in a way I am not being honest with him either so why should he? Just toxic all around.

 

To answer a question up above on how I'm going to make this week positive/get through it... I am thankfully very busy at work and won't have to think too much during the day. (he and I don't see each other at work) And... for starters to not contact I have changed his name in my phone to "DO NOT MSG/REPLY" Lol.... it's easier than seeing his name at least for now.

 

I am starting to feel a bit better like we never would have worked anyway and his distance is actually helping me detach and take off my rose-coloured glasses. I look at all his qualities, and sure he has a few, but I am most certain I am so hung up on it solely because I can't have him/for validation. I can admit that... I mean when he asked me out years ago I had zero interest in him.... why now? Ugh. It's all so confusing.

 

And, just to comment about this thread not helping...I am honestly not looking for anyone to tell me he probably has feelings or anything. I more came to hear what I don't want to believe.... and you have all been wonderful. Thank you to everyone who has chimed in... I really really hope I can come back with a more positive thread on meeting some new wonderful person.

 

He and I last talked on the 25th and I am going unannounced (I think that's best) NO CONTACT. I plan to go a month, see how I feel on Christmas Day.. if I have cleared my head and moved past it all and want to wish him a Merry Christmas. Maybe by then I won't want to talk to him at all, ever again. I hope so.. even though to me that's sad. He was a friend at one point.

 

 

No contact is blocking, not changing names. Who you are trying to fool? You are still waiting for him to contact you, to feel a rush of adrenaline again.

A couple days without contact won’t do the trick, being addicted to another person means you have a long road of recuperation and hard self work ahead of you. And that starts with you acknowledging of your unhealthy attachments (try to think infancy, attachment to your caregivers and then think of your adult relationships: do you see any pattern)

I wish you well, but this novel won’t probably end here.