Year-long on/off "thing" is driving me INSANE...time to end it? ****Updated****

[Versacehottie]

Sorry i have to get tough love on you. You are going in circles. Stop trying to figure out "why" he does what he does or solving the inherent riddle of why you weren't good enough (part of which is imagined). Just focus on exactly what you are going to DO to substitute thoughts of him and how you are going to move yourself away from wanting something with him. Literally, what would that be like?

 

One thing you can start with is this "breakup talk" you are debating having or not having. What would happen if you just kick the can down the road and decide to "do nothing/say nothing" to him for now and leave yourself the option to perhaps speak to him later (i.e. weeks from now) when your thoughts are more gelled and you have a better handle on how you are going to move forward WITHOUT him.

 

Right now, again I say, you are fooling yourself with wanting to talk to him about it immediately. His indifference is going to keep you stuck and anything that he says that will give you a bit of hope will keep you stuck. And we all know you are an expert at spinning a bit of hope out of a breadcrumb. You gotta focus on yourself. You are acting like you are in a relationship that I doubt he believes he is in. Anyway if it helps you, tell yourself you can say something to him in the future later when you are more together, more resolute. I bet if you can postpone it for a while, you may not even want to. Also life has a way of changing and more info might come out on his side or yours where what you would want to say might morph. Most importantly, you need to be in protective mode for yourself immediately not focusing on "you guys". Learn how to take care of yourself & convey what respect you need from others. Why not give it a minute?

Edited November 22, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[sunnyd00]

Please don't apologize, I need it! It's been a YEAR of accepting breadcrumbs and allowing my boundaries and self-respect to be non-existent all in the name of hoping and praying he'll soon change his mind and want to pursue something with me. I'm an idiot to ever think that if it hasn't happened by NOW.

 

I have rage-y fingers right now where I just want to fire off a "calling it quits, you're a jerk, I deserve better" text but we've been through this song and dance so many times he won;t believe me anyway...so thanks for the pep talk! I will avoid messages from him and talk to him down the road when I have a level head!

Edited November 22, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Versacehottie]

Strive to have the indifference he has toward you for him. Even feeling like he is a jerk has so much emotion behind it that you stay stuck. Try to focus on the "i deserve better--and this is HOW i'm going to get it". Like a breakup or any emotional upheaval, you need to get into action mode rather than stay stuck in feelings mode. You won't be able to fully resolve your feelings in your own head for a while. Trying to deal with them when you are in the WORST part, i.e. the most emotional part, is a silly idea/not productive. Right now you need to distract yourself with concrete things.

 

Again keep it simple. What are you doing for thanksgiving and how you round out that day and the following ones to immerse yourself in something? Pick friends to reach out to, spend time with, a series to binge, build your music collection, a movie to see. Try to schedule something for each day. And really get into it. Here's an obvious one at this time of year: do something kind for others. There are a million things to do when you involve yourself in your own life rather than sit on the sidelines of his life.

Edited November 22, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Highndry]

This isn't just great advice for her, it's great advice for anybody going through a breakup or trying to leave an unhealthy relationship of any kind.

Edited November 22, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[ExpatInItaly]

We're all telling you the same thing: It's impossible for any of us to know if he's lying but yes, he's very likely pursuing other girls and having sex with them. He doesn't have the same feelings for you that you do for him. Yes, you need to finally respect yourself and walk away.

 

What is it you're wanting to hear that you haven't yet heard from us?

Edited November 22, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Calmandfocused]

Commitment Phobia my friend. Looks like the classsic push pull cycle awakening. He chases, you reciprocate, he pulls back, you step back, the cycle repeats. Meanwhile he gets the perks of being with you when he wishes to without the effort of a proper relationship. When you get hurt he can then say "well I did tell you I didnt want a relationship ..." ... uh huh!

 

He gets off Scott free and dates lots of other women in the process, you feel vulnerable and unworthy.

 

Not a fun game to play and why should you?

[Calmandfocused]

Ps. You must not believe this is about you in any way. People who behave in this way have some sort of emotional disturbance that is entirely unrelated to you.

 

The girl he dated for 6 months in between? I’d bet money on him giving her a good dose of the push/ pull behaviour that he’s given you. Most people tire of it after a while but the ones with the highest self respect get to that place quicker. You’re biggest mistake here is not thinking highly enough of yourself to get rid of him the first time he disrespected you.

 

A man blantany texting another woman after he’s had sex with me? I’d tell him to get the hell out my house whilst making a subtle but crude insinuation to him having an incredibly small male member!

 

Work on your self esteem so you don’t fall into the same patterns with anymore emotionally unavailable game players,

[sunnyd00]

Ps. You must not believe this is about you in any way. People who behave in this way have some sort of emotional disturbance that is entirely unrelated to you.

 

The girl he dated for 6 months in between? I’d bet money on him giving her a good dose of the push/ pull behaviour that he’s given you. Most people tire of it after a while but the ones with the highest self respect get to that place quicker. You’re biggest mistake here is not thinking highly enough of yourself to get rid of him the first time he disrespected you.

 

A man blantany texting another woman after he’s had sex with me? I’d tell him to get the hell out my house whilst making a subtle but crude insinuation to him having an incredibly small male member!

 

Work on your self esteem so you don’t fall into the same patterns with anymore emotionally unavailable game players,

 

I'm not so sure it's commitment issues for him as it is just playing games at this point. I feel like such a fool, and it's really hard not to think it's ME. Having known him such a long time, I have seen him treat other women well.

 

I'm fuming today and so so close to sending him a blasting text calling him out on every ****ty thing he has done.

 

You are so right, I should have cut him off the SECOND he was texting another woman from my place. That's entirely where I went wrong, and allowed ****tier and ****tier behavior to happen. I feel like such a fool.

[losangelena]

I'm not so sure it's commitment issues for him as it is just playing games at this point. I feel like such a fool, and it's really hard not to think it's ME. Having known him such a long time, I have seen him treat other women well.

 

I'm fuming today and so so close to sending him a blasting text calling him out on every ****ty thing he has done.

 

You are so right, I should have cut him off the SECOND he was texting another woman from my place. That's entirely where I went wrong, and allowed ****tier and ****tier behavior to happen. I feel like such a fool.

 

Listen, you don’t need to beat yourself up over it. All calling yourself stupid/foolish/etc does is create a negative feedback loop, so every time you try and break away from him and fail, and you berate/blame yourself, you make it successively harder to leave him alone, because your opinion of yourself is that you’re weak/foolish, etc., so why even try, you’ll just fail.

 

So first thing, I think you need to alter your mindset about yourself. So you fell for the charms of a manipulative man. A LOT of women end up where you are at some point in their lives. It’s not a character defect, it’s just a bad position. And because it has nothing to do with who you intrinsically are, you do have the ability to change your situation.

 

Have you been able to pinpoint why ~this~ man is so important to have, versus focusing on finding a man who makes you feel similarly? There are men out there that will make you feel good/desired, but also not treat you like garbage.

[olivetree]

I'm not so sure it's commitment issues for him as it is just playing games at this point. I feel like such a fool, and it's really hard not to think it's ME. Having known him such a long time, I have seen him treat other women well.

 

I think the only way his treatment is "about you" is that you allowed him to treat you like that, whereas he treated some of these other women well because they don't allow bad treatment.

 

It's not because you aren't pretty enough, smart enough, fun enough etc. Know what I mean?

 

But you can show him that you won't allow it anymore.

Start by NOT sending him that angry text and moving on like you couldn't give two ****s

[sunnyd00]

I think the only way his treatment is "about you" is that you allowed him to treat you like that, whereas he treated some of these other women well because they don't allow bad treatment.

 

It's not because you aren't pretty enough, smart enough, fun enough etc. Know what I mean?

 

But you can show him that you won't allow it anymore.

Start by NOT sending him that angry text and moving on like you couldn't give two ****s

 

Thank you, I am trying and succeeding in not sending the text but every day that goes by and he's radio silent for NO reason at all, I get angrier. I need the anger to go away so I feel no need to send it. I really want him to message me so I can ignore, regain my control and block him and walk away.

 

I really regret not just cutting him off a year ago when he disrespected me the first time. Like I honestly think he thinks to himself "I wonder how absolutely ****ty I can treat her before she actually walks away" like it's a game. I just look back on brutal things he has said and done and can't believe I put up with it.

 

I feel like the scathing text would make me feel better for a second but then I'll regret every showing him I ever cared. You're right, this time it has to be silence so he knows I've completely had enough.

 

I'm just never going to understand... two weeks ago we had the best night we've ever had.. he cooked for me, we laughed, we got more personal than we ever have, we cuddled, watched sports, played games, he asked me to stay and I woke up in the night with his arms around me. He let his guard down more than he has in the last year and then all of a sudden dead silence???

 

I just want to know why.

[Veronica73]

I haven’t read this whole thread... so I probably shouldn’t be replying... but just based on your last post...I’d say his mind is somewhere else right now. Like maybe he met somebody else and is pursuing that.

[Highndry]

Thank you, I am trying and succeeding in not sending the text but every day that goes by and he's radio silent for NO reason at all, I get angrier. I need the anger to go away so I feel no need to send it. I really want him to message me so I can ignore, regain my control and block him and walk away.<SNIP>

 

 

Your mind is working overtime and your emotions are getting the best of you. If I had to guess, I'd bet he's not even thinking much about you. That's how selfish people roll. I think the best thing you can do is go complete no contact like a break-up from a real relationship and try to get on with your life.

 

 

 

Getting angry at him or having any sort of outburst is going to weaken your position. The best thing to do is never contact him and if/when he finally contacts you, which he will, just be very cool and let him know that you are moving on and wish him the best. That's it.

Edited November 24, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Calmandfocused]

We’ve told you why- because he’s emotionally unavailable to you and playing games with you

 

The ghosting behaviour you describe after having an “amazing” time together is classic and expected. He’s communicating clearly to you the message that he wants to keep you exactly in the position you’re in and that he’s not willing to give you anything more. If he thinks he’s losing you he’s likely to come running again. It’s the push/ pull mentality I described before.

 

Please stop this cycle and get off this rollercoaster ride. Only you can stop this, he won’t as he’s benifitting too much from it. He’s wasting your time and is undeserving of your emotion.

[sunnyd00]

We’ve told you why- because he’s emotionally unavailable to you and playing games with you

 

The ghosting behaviour you describe after having an “amazing” time together is classic and expected. He’s communicating clearly to you the message that he wants to keep you exactly in the position you’re in and that he’s not willing to give you anything more. If he thinks he’s losing you he’s likely to come running again. It’s the push/ pull mentality I described before.

 

Please stop this cycle and get off this rollercoaster ride. Only you can stop this, he won’t as he’s benifitting too much from it. He’s wasting your time and is undeserving of your emotion.

 

It hurts so much today..every day than goes by that he just says nothing to me makes me feel worse and worse. I literally did nothing wrong. We had the best night we've ever had and I thought we were turning a corner. I have told him from day 1 that all I ask is honesty and to TELL me when he wants to end it...don't fade out because I'll never respect him but he's doing exactly that. After a year of this stupid **** I deserve better than that. It makes me so mad and hurts so much.

 

Definitely off the rollercoaster ride, I'm done. But it hurts he's doing this for no reason. Just tell me you met someone else! I don't want to drive myself crazy wondering what I did wrong anymore.

[Calmandfocused]

You’ve done nothing wrong. You’re only mistake is giving him the green light to treat you exactly how he pleases. Learn from this and ensure that you are never in this position again. Make your boundaries clear from the offset and stick by them.

 

I’m like you and I get attached easily. I have 2 children and what helps me is asking myself the question “am I making the right choice for them” . If the answer is no, it gives me all the strength I need. I’m assuming you don’t have children and that you’re much younger than me but you can still apply the same question to yourself.

 

The hurt will subside, you just have to ride through the pain and don’t contact him. Keep busy and whenever you feel the pain immediately focus on the disrespectful way he’s treated you. The anger will motivate you.

 

You will feel better in time.

[ExpatInItaly]

I haven’t read this whole thread... so I probably shouldn’t be replying... but just based on your last post...I’d say his mind is somewhere else right now. Like maybe he met somebody else and is pursuing that.

 

Bingo. That's what I've thought from the beginning.

 

OP, you need to stop making this guy a priority when he just treats you like an option. You haven't done anything "wrong", so to speak, but you have to learn to identify a dead-end when you see it and act accordingly.

[sunnyd00]

Bingo. That's what I've thought from the beginning.

 

OP, you need to stop making this guy a priority when he just treats you like an option. You haven't done anything "wrong", so to speak, but you have to learn to identify a dead-end when you see it and act accordingly.

 

I've asked him (in a non confrontational way) and he swears up and down he hasn't and that he will tell me if that's the case. He finally messaged me yesterday and said hes been stressed with some landlord stuff and trying to figure out where to live. Not sure I believe that's the reason he hasn't been in touch though...it takes two seconds to say hi.

[irresolute]

He said he saw no relationship future with you because you both work in the same place. He blattantly texted someone else after having sex with you, disrespecting you to the highest potency. Then he dates this woman for six months while texting you as a friend. You said you had sex three times in four months.

For me, this guy is not attracted to you at all. He likes to have you around when there’s nothing more exciting, but he doesn’t think of you as someone he could have anything serious.

It’s like a joke for him, and you continue to ask him for explanations about why he acts the way he does.

I’m sorry you’re in this situation. What it comes to mind is that maybe he’s friendly with you because he doesn’t want to have trouble at work.

Evidently, he pursued you in the beginning but he soon realized you’re no girlfriend material. Meanwhile, you survive thanks to the breadcrumbs he tried at you once in a while.

[stillafool]

{snip} Anyways, I was fine and well with this all as long as he's honest with me... he claims he has nothing else going on, and yet, we hook up less than once a month. He's lying, isn't he? I mean is there any other reason a guy being offered NSA sex wouldn't want to have sex more than once a month?? I just feel like a total fool believing him this long.. I've read other threads here with people in the same situation and nearly every answer was "he's getting it somewhere else..."

 

So, am I an idiot for trying to believe there's another reason? Do I call him out on it? I don't want to hastily cut things off, we have fun...and there are other reasons I'd regret doing that.... but I also don't want to do this **** anymore if he's lying. Help!

 

It's quite obvious that you are fooling yourself. You say you are okay with casual sex as long as he let's you know if he's having sex with others. That is not true. You want a relationship with him and that is why you have this 40 page thread going. He has made it clear to you that he isn't going to be with you other than casual. He will not tell you about his private life and I don't blame him. That is not what your relationship is about. Stop expecting him to tell you his truths and decide what you are going to do about your life. Women need to stop saying they don't mind casual when they know they want more. They accept casual just to get the guy in bed in hopes of cultivating a relationship and that isn't happening here.

Edited November 27, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[lana-banana]

I've asked him (in a non confrontational way) and he swears up and down he hasn't and that he will tell me if that's the case. He finally messaged me yesterday and said hes been stressed with some landlord stuff and trying to figure out where to live. Not sure I believe that's the reason he hasn't been in touch though...it takes two seconds to say hi.

 

Of course it's an excuse. If he isn't regularly reaching out to you without prompting, he's not interested.

 

The texting other women from your COUCH was such an incredible baseline of disrespect that it makes it impossible to take anything he says seriously. He already knows he can lie to you, treat you like trash, and still get laid whenever he feels like it, so you shouldn't expect that to change. You have to demand better for yourself.

[Versacehottie]

I've asked him (in a non confrontational way) and he swears up and down he hasn't and that he will tell me if that's the case. He finally messaged me yesterday and said hes been stressed with some landlord stuff and trying to figure out where to live. Not sure I believe that's the reason he hasn't been in touch though...it takes two seconds to say hi.

 

You are sooooo caught up. Sorry, your way of dealing with this is becoming pathetic (sorry i know it might hurt to hear but it's absolutely true). You are stuck in the minutia. You are looking toward the "disclosure" that he is interested in someone else as the signal of whether you "still have a chance" and can be in his life. Ugh. Seriously, have some self-respect. Hanging onto whether or not his story about the landlord living issue is significant for him not to have sent a two second checking in text. So by all means above, you reached out to him right? You want a clear cut signal of what you mean to him? Do nothing and see what he does.

 

I find the saddest part of this all is that you worry as if some other girl will be able to "steal" him from you. The real story is that having nothing else going on for at least part of the time you've been interested, he STILL does not chose to be with you or fall into it with you. Not entirely blaming you (lots of people have a push/pull thing) but you should refuse to just believe that it's because he is manipulative a**hole. In part, the part YOU can change, it's because you are not showing him that you are worthy. You are chasing him, accepting the lowest of breadcrumbs and then when you don't get that lowering yourself even more. This is not how guys find themselves in love with a person--this behavior. You gotta stop. I don't know how you don't get that this is a huge part of why you find yourself in this situation and continuing to do it is driving him away. Against all the advice to busy yourself with other things & people, you have now made these CHOICES. Yes they are choices.

 

I think there is a level of where people get themselves into situations where they don't turn out as they've expected or the person doesn't live up to their hopes or the dynamic. But once you have a significant amount of information that this is the case, it's on you to choose a better life and path for yourself. You passed that threshold a while ago. At this point, i think you need to do no contact for yourself, not to gain a reaction from him. And probably visit the breakup forum where you will get advice for getting over someone. The sad thing is you were never dating him (even though you can treat it like a breakup for your sake). Or visit the other woman/other man one (as i think was suggested), if you want to see other people who pine for someone who is not theirs and generally live in a fantasy land of patheticness. Stop living in the minutia and "connecting" with him through drama and minor things, it won't and it's not changing the outcome. Your best bet for happiness is to take your life into your own hands and DO something (not that revolves or is about him). Take the first step.

[ExpatInItaly]

I've asked him (in a non confrontational way) and he swears up and down he hasn't and that he will tell me if that's the case. He finally messaged me yesterday and said hes been stressed with some landlord stuff and trying to figure out where to live. Not sure I believe that's the reason he hasn't been in touch though...it takes two seconds to say hi.

 

Does it really matter?

 

Even though you're not quite ready to accept it, the point is that this guy doesn't want a relationship with you.

 

It thus follows that he wouldn't be worried about keeping in touch with you if life has indeed thrown a curveball his way. You are not on his list of priorities, because to him, you are his sex-friend. Not his girlfriend. If you two were dating, then sure, I could see why you'd be angry that he'd gone quiet. But, this is just sex and some no-strings fun, OP. When life gets busy or stressful for him, it's no problem (for him) to let contact drop with you. You're not what's truly important to him, at the end of the day. A lot of other things and people come before you.

 

I would also would not be naive enough to assume he's going to be an open book with you about other girls in his life.

[preraph]

He doesn't want to end it. He wants to just keep it going as is and do whatever else he feels like doing at the same time and probably with as many women as he can juggle. He is being disrespectful. Anyone you've agreed to an FWB with probably isn't ever going to treat you other than an FWB because they know that's all you expect. So it's making you miserable and you're hoping for more, but he's perfectly happy as is. He's certainly not going to "fall in love" with you at this late a date, right?

 

It hurts so much today..every day than goes by that he just says nothing to me makes me feel worse and worse. I literally did nothing wrong. We had the best night we've ever had and I thought we were turning a corner. I have told him from day 1 that all I ask is honesty and to TELL me when he wants to end it...don't fade out because I'll never respect him but he's doing exactly that. After a year of this stupid **** I deserve better than that. It makes me so mad and hurts so much.

 

Definitely off the rollercoaster ride, I'm done. But it hurts he's doing this for no reason. Just tell me you met someone else! I don't want to drive myself crazy wondering what I did wrong anymore.

[sunnyd00]

He said he saw no relationship future with you because you both work in the same place. He blattantly texted someone else after having sex with you, disrespecting you to the highest potency. Then he dates this woman for six months while texting you as a friend. You said you had sex three times in four months.

For me, this guy is not attracted to you at all. He likes to have you around when there’s nothing more exciting, but he doesn’t think of you as someone he could have anything serious.

It’s like a joke for him, and you continue to ask him for explanations about why he acts the way he does.

I’m sorry you’re in this situation. What it comes to mind is that maybe he’s friendly with you because he doesn’t want to have trouble at work.

Evidently, he pursued you in the beginning but he soon realized you’re no girlfriend material. Meanwhile, you survive thanks to the breadcrumbs he tried at you once in a while.

 

I'm sure I'm being super naive when I say this, but I'm not sure it's that he's not attracted to me. I just think he's much much more attracted to someone else and doesn't want anything serious with me at all. I know that now. But he tells me he's attracted to me, I turn him on no problem when we do get together. He tells me how great I am at this and that. When we're together we get on like a house on fire. He has never backed out of plans, cancelled or postponed... if I ask, he accepts every time and follows through, even if it's just to go for drinks and not for a hookup. If I text, he doesn't take hours to reply.. he replies right away and paragraph after paragraph not just "lol nice" So naturally I'm really confused why he keeps me around when a) he knows we'll be friends just fine if we take the sex away b) we hardly even have sex so it's not like he's using me for that. I mean especially if he's getting it somewhere else (likely), there's no sense keeping up this charade with me if it's causing so many fights and drama. So why doesn't he just cut it of?? You know what, you nailed it because I have thought that all along too.... he is trying to keep things from being messy at work should things end. That's exactly what I have thought.

 

Why don't *I* just cut it off, I know! I am, I will be..I'd just rather not do it over text because he tends to suck me back in. All the advice here has been a needed slap in the face and very much appreciated. He doesn't want me, I am making someone a priority who hardly considers me an option. That's the cold hard truth.