Year-long on/off "thing" is driving me INSANE...time to end it? ****Updated****

[losangelena]

I echo others here. You need to take a big step back from this guy—on your own terms. You keep saying, “well why can’t he just tell me,” but what about his past or present behavior signify he has the ability/desire to tell you the truth?

 

The more you include on this thread the awful ways this man treats you, I am wondering what the eff you’re doing around him at all. You think because he’s sweet to you during your hook-ups that he will be like that always? Wake up, sister. This guy is a user, and you’re freely letting him treat you like crap. Only you have the power to make this stop. Do so. Free yourself from fantasy land and this pos dude.

Edited November 20, 2018 by losangelena

[sunnyd00]

You sound just like me. I can tell you the only way it's going to end is when HE ends it with you. You keep going back and forth, being angry, feeling sad, like you're lied to, you're not being lied to, you're just looking at things with your "fantasy" glasses on. {snip}

 

Wow did I ever need this! Granted, all the comments have been good eye openers, but you are bang on. We are even the same age. You nailed it completely... it bothers me to NO END that he does not want to be with me. I want him because he doesn't want me, not because he's an amazing guy or makes me feel good. You're right, the second he says "ok lets do this" I'd probably lose interest.

 

I don't want to wait for him to end it. I HAVE gone back time and again but I want to end it on MY TERMS and not give him that opportunity. I know he's got something else going on and that's good enough reason for me to end this NOW knowing he's about it. He's already stopped communicating as much, I just sense it coming.

 

How long were you with yours? Did he spring back everytime you walked away or you regretted your decision each time and went back? Are you NC right now?

 

I know what I have to and will do..I guess it's just, do I blast him and tell him why or just simply say "ok I'm finished" and let him figure out why. (he'll know why.) Do I just ghost?

 

It's been a year of this. I've definitely had enough and don't want to wait for him to end it first... I just need the strength to do that and mean it and stick to it. I KNOW he doesn't want anything with me and I won't miss the sex I'm not even getting. So you couldn't be more right...I am chasing him because he's running. That is the ONLY reason.

Edited November 21, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[sunnyd00]

You are still focusing on him. All you can control is yourself. TBH, a lot of people would not tell you or abide by rules in a situation like this. It's inherent in a non-committed thing, no expectations. He has continually disappointed you and every expectation you've had so why would this be any different?

 

If, at the back of your mind, you are trying to convince yourself that he isn't "telling" you because he doesn't want to "lose" you and there really is something special between you, you will get the "same" result when he loses you because you move on. He has no reason to change a thing since it is all on his terms; he makes you give more effort while he gives less, still ok with you. That's one reason he doesn't tell you. Also he doesn't feel obligated because he doesn't like you like that. You already know what you need to know anyway (doesn't matter if other girls are in the picture)---that he doesn't CHOOSE to be with you, should be enough that you want to move on. SIMPLE, keep it simple.

This --> "he makes you give more effort while he gives less, still ok with you."

 

YES. Exactly that... when this first started I had hard boundaries and he has somehow convinced me to lessen them more and more to the point I'm basically devaluing myself and saying "ok sure! Sleep with other women just make sure you tell me!" And now I'm almost at the "turn a blind eye" stage and that is NOT me. That is not who I am or what I deserve.

 

Thank you for this. Will end things and keep it simple.. no reasons needed. He knows.

[sunnyd00]

I echo others here. You need to take a big step back from this guy—on your own terms. You keep saying, “well why can’t he just tell me,” but what about his past or present behavior signify he has the ability/desire to tell you the truth?

 

The more you include on this thread the awful ways this man treats you, I am wondering what the eff you’re doing around him at all. You think because he’s sweet to you during your hook-ups that he will be like that always? Wake up, sister. This guy is a user, and you’re freely letting him treat you like crap. Only you have the power to make this stop. Do so. Free yourself from fantasy land and this pos dude.

I have allowed it and accepted less and less, letting him make me believe he owes me nothing because we aren't together. I really don't know WHAT I am doing with him. As someone else said above, I think it's always been the "why doesn't he want me???" and chasing it. I am going to cut it loose, I am losing nothing after all... he is though. I was pretty great to him.

[olivetree]

Good luck ending things and sticking to it.

 

Btw, oftentimes when you are attracted to emotionally unavailable men, it is due to your own emotional unavailability / fear of real intimacy.

[Lisa_Lisa]

How long were you with yours? Did he spring back everytime you walked away or you regretted your decision each time and went back? Are you NC right now?

 

I know what I have to and will do..I guess it's just, do I blast him and tell him why or just simply say "ok I'm finished" and let him figure out why. (he'll know why.) Do I just ghost?

 

It's been a year of this. I've definitely had enough and don't want to wait for him to end it first... I just need the strength to do that and mean it and stick to it. I KNOW he doesn't want anything with me and I won't miss the sex I'm not even getting. So you couldn't be more right...I am chasing him because he's running. That is the ONLY reason.

 

I was with mine for over a year and he made me feel bad just as deeply as he made me feel good. I'd get angry at him and tell myself I'd end it, but then the anger would go away and I'd continue seeing him. Sometimes I'd reach out if I hadn't heard from him.

 

He was basically my drug, he filled me with high's and low's. And each time I'd try to quit, he'd come back the same night, next day, over the weekend, or a week later. He made me feel like he wanted me whenever I did that and I foolishly believed it was because he saw some value in me. I'm sure he did, but not the kind of value I wanted him to see.

 

I knew deep down he'd be a bad boyfriend and if we were together, I'd always wonder if he was cheating on me. Who needs that? But it was my need for him to see me as someone special that kept me hanging on.

 

And even the last time that I wanted to end it, he still didn't want to until something snapped in him that he got cold, and well, I STILL tried to get back with him, but this time he wasn't having it.

 

We follow each other on Instagram, but I don't exist for him anymore. Last I heard from him was a week ago in response to my text about being friends and keeping in touch, but his answer was lifeless. I knew it was the final nail in the coffin. So we are basically NC and I'm remaining quiet on social media so maybe, just maybe he will miss me.

 

This is why I say you remind me of myself, you hate your situation, but you can't break free, well, be better than me and if you can shut him out then more power to you, but I knew I certainly couldn't. In my case it's be careful what you wish, you may just get it. Because in all sincerity I didn't want it to end, I just wanted him to stop making me suffer.

Edited November 20, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[sunnyd00]

Sounds completely identical. He did end it once out of the several times that we have, saying he didn't think it was a good idea anymore because all we do is ****, fight, makeup, ****, fight. That lasted two weeks before we went for a beer and HE said "lets try again." Then he did some things that made me mad a few weeks later and *I* called things off, he said "probably best" We went for beers again to make sure we were ok friends wise and I stupidly said "I just need you to initiate more and TELL me if you have something else going on... that's all I need and this would work." He said "ok, I can do that..let's try again.." He initiated finally, things were wonderful...then he was radio silent for a week before I said "did I say or do something??" He said no nothing, he's just been stressed about this and that and "you're overanalyzing again darling...I'm not avoiding you." That was Sunday... now I'm taking a break from talking to him while I figure out my head. I go away this weekend and will come back and tell him I've been thinking and this should be over. I KNOW he's in the midst of getting into something anyway...definitely talking to someone or seeing them..I feel it in my gut and he used to message me everyday...now he'll go a week, even after a wonderful time together. Stupid me thought "he's finally starting to feel.... maybe he's thinking... maybe he's going to message soon and say he wants to do this..."

 

I'm an idiot plain and simple. Truthfully, I have never ended it because I want to end... I've only ever ended it (the many times) because I hope he'll miss me and realize what he lost and come back for serious. UGH.

Edited November 20, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[kendahke]

The moment he told me that he was seeing others, that would have been the end of that for me.

[Lisa_Lisa]

Sounds completely identical. {snip}

 

 

Yes! Almost identical! I feel your pain and anguish, I really do. I wish things would go your way though because deep down you just want him to want you, it's a blissful feeling. You tell yourself it's never going to go anywhere, I'm just enjoying the moment. I'd enjoy it better if you didn't say or do sh*t to piss me off.

 

 

You're a strong woman, stronger than me. If you really need to end it, I'll send positive vibes your way. Remember ending it means nothing if you go back on your word and take him back if he chases you again.

Edited November 20, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Versacehottie]

I don't think you should tell him "it's over". Let's face it, honestly you'd be looking for a reaction or some sort of satisfaction in his reaction or more feedback in the form of what he does or doesn't do with that. You can decide "it's over" for yourself and no need to inform. Maybe it's time that you start taking advantage of a no-strings relationship, i.e. no reason to inform him of anything. Like someone said above, he knows. He will probably again just think you are bluffing, wanting to him to come running back anyway. So the best way to teach yourself that something is different, is to do something different. Handle it differently. Even not giving him an explanation, in advance, is putting yourself first.

 

Also you keep expecting him to play by relationship rules or have stuff go down by unspoken relationship norms and inherent in a relationship of this type is that both of you manage your lives in the way you want. No explanation needed. I think you'd be lying to yourself if you convinced yourself he deserved one or that you need to say something. If he talks to you about what's going on, sure, no reason to play coy, just tell him it's not working for you anymore. See the operative terms and focus?

 

I think it will be hard but you just need to decide that if you ever were to come back together, you'd need to be changed people and you have to put off hoping or keeping him in your future plans. You have to proceed like he will never be in your future that way.

[sunnyd00]

I like this. You're right...I have only EVER said it for a reaction... for a "please don't go, let's be together.." or to make him feel like he lost something. There's no point doing that this time around when I've cried wolf one too many times. He'll just laugh and say ok and know I'll come back the second he snaps his fingers, or that I'll message him in two weeks saying we had a good thing, let's resume. The only thing that's going to make him see "whoah she's done this time" is if I'm done this time. No explanation needed. I guess I have this feeling of "sticking it to him" and making him feel he ****ed up and now I'm gone. But "ending" it isn't going to do that.. so I just have to move on knowing it's done, not message, and when he asks, I'll say it wasn't working.

 

I like your advice, thank you! I don't owe him anything.. he certainly has never felt he owed ME anything.

Edited November 21, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Versacehottie]

Thanks. Ok, glad you are working your way toward caring about yourself and detaching some. Just a caution from what i see in your most recent post (cause i'm trying to help you for real) is that you are still "investing" "efforting" and yes slightly looking for a reaction with the bolded above. We don't care what he thinks, remember?

 

Idk, if repeating that to yourself will help or necessarily what will. I think personally that you need to look at life as that you have a finite amount of time, energy, effort to allocate to things. When over time, something or someone has proven to be wasted efforts in that what you are doing is not taking you closer to your goals, then you should stop investing. It hurts to lose a dream and there will be emptiness SO the important thing to do to both get what you want (a nice, interested bf let's say or a happy/full life) and to detach yourself from a situation that is not serving you is to IMMEDIATELY invest your time and effort (which has been filled with thoughts of him and where is this going) toward something else, or a variety of something else's.

 

You need to take definitive and proactive steps no matter how small, like a breakup. Make a list. I guarantee all the thoughts you have put behind this guy and this thing have held you back on what you want in other areas and with other people. Define and execute. Make a list, a daily list, a weekly list. Cross things off the list to make it through each day, each week. Pretty soon it won't be so hard AND you may find yourself with a life closer to the one you wanted and hoped for. It won't be easy to break this cycle with him so you need to have a plan. Without a plan, you almost plan to fail as they say. In your case, you need to FILL up with other things.

Edited November 21, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[sunnyd00]

You are right, thanks for the advice! A year of invested time in him (completely one-sided) and hoping it goes somewhere... all for nothing. I guess we always wonder "will he miss me too?" but who cares at this point. I know I shouldn't. I guess I also wonder if I'll feel better and have more closure if I jut tell him how I feel so I wrestle with that too. not with the hope he feels the same (I know he doesn't) but like the final nail in the coffin to be free I guess. No more wondering "maybe he's scared." I have never told him how I feel but I'm certain he knows.

 

I will make plans to see my friends more and pick up a new hobby... always said I wanted to teach myself to play guitar.

 

The good thing is, I HARDLY see him at work... so that part wont be difficult. Losing the friendship and bad habit will be. *sigh*

Edited November 21, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[ExpatInItaly]

Why doesn't he just tell me he is?? It has been the only rule from day one for me..not that he CAN'T, but that I expect him to tell me out of respect and he said he will. It bothers me way more that he's potentially lying about that to keep this stupid thing going with me, than it does the fact he can't give me a relationship.

 

Easy, because then he knows he'd lose you from his roster. It's convenient having you on stand-by when it suits him.

 

There is no reason to end things officially. Simply stop contacting him. If he asks where you've been, be honest and say it's not working for you anymore and you feel it's best to stop.

 

Who cares if he babbles on about saving the friendship? He does that for one reason, which is to keep you warm in case one of his other girls bails. This guy is not your friend and you have been giving him far too much control over your emotional state this past year.

[Lisa_Lisa]

Don't tell him how you feel, you'll just give him an ego boost. You don't want to walk away having given him the sleeve your heart was on.

 

 

 

Be mysterious and act mysterious.

 

 

 

Pretend (or do it for real now) that you have a lot going on in your life and you don't have time for him. Be stern, but be kind. He'll get the hint.

[losangelena]

I guess we always wonder "will he miss me too?" but who cares at this point. I know I shouldn't. I guess I also wonder if I'll feel better and have more closure if I jut tell him how I feel so I wrestle with that too. not with the hope he feels the same (I know he doesn't) but like the final nail in the coffin to be free I guess.

 

The good thing is, I HARDLY see him at work... so that part wont be difficult. Losing the friendship and bad habit will be. *sigh*

 

Coupla thought—

 

I think he ~might~ miss the easy attention you give him, the ego stroke. But I doubt very much he will miss you as a person. Also, guys don’t typically “need closure” that way. Any time a woman goes on about it, I think she’s deluding herself and just wanting to keep the door open somehow because maybe the man will come running back.

 

Lastly, what friendship are you missing out on, exactly? This guy sounds like an a-hole; why do you want to be friends with him?

 

Shake the monkey from your back. There are plenty of men in this world who will give you that warm sqidgy feeling AND treat you right. Stop settling for this wankerish behavior. Treat yourself with some kindness and dignity, and stop giving in to this cad. It’s not cute.

[sunnyd00]

That's a tough pill to swallow that he wouldn't miss me as a person or our friendship.. we've known each other 10+ years and have grown close. But you are probably right, hence the tough pill.

 

I know what I need to do, I just struggle so bad with disappearing or telling him to **** off and that I deserved better. He is an *******, and I never made him accountable for any of it... that's where I went wrong. Not that it would have mattered... I just wish he would have suffered consequences for his dickish behavior rather than me being all "ohh its ok... let's try again" a million ****in times.

Edited November 21, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Versacehottie]

That's a tough pill to swallow that he wouldn't miss me as a person or our friendship.. we've known each other 10+ years and have grown close. But you are probably right, hence the tough pill.

 

I know what I need to do, I just struggle so bad with disappearing or telling him to **** off and that I deserved better. He is an *******, and I never made him accountable for any of it... that's where I went wrong. Not that it would have mattered... I just wish he would have suffered consequences for his dickish behavior rather than me being all "ohh its ok... let's try again" a million ****in times.

 

Guitar sounds like a great thing to do. I like that you have something you would like to do & seeing friends of course.

 

Regarding closure: i don't believe in it. Especially not in this case. There is nothing that he will tell or say to you or that you can say to him that will help you feel "done" with this. Whatever you hear (if he would tell you anything which is a huge IF) would just serve to spin you more. Even if it's negative, this a phenomena that keeps you connected to the relationship and in those thoughts (something to work on, keep figuring out). What would you REALLY expect to hear? I think you know deep down the answers of why he chose not to progress a relationship with you. I absolutely believe that people who say they want closure actually just want a way to keep the convo going with that person. If you are looking for a period on this, you won't get it. Maybe, maybe a few years from now when you are both in a different headspace.

 

I really still don't get why you want to make this about him (in your latest post above). Who cares at this point if he's bad things or that you want him to be accountable?? That's still all about him. The best thing you can do is to live your life for you. Holding someone accountable will have a minor and temporary feeling of happiness for you. Very temporary. You know what will have a more lasting and genuine feeling of happiness--moving onto a life that does fulfill you, finding the best person for yourself. I don't get why you want him to "make him pay" essentially when it keeps you invested in what he thinks and feels. Do yourself a huge favor and not invest another minute of energy and time into this person otherwise you have no one to blame but yourself. I also don't agree with the notion that he must be an a**hole and that you have to hate him to deal with this--it just isn't working for you. You want more, you want better. Trying to give you some ways of thinking that might have you thinking from a self-esteem, self-respect pov. He's doesn't have to be such a horrible person for you to move on. He's just not offering enough for you. His loss. Until you can start to think similarly, you will be stuck---this includes if you put your effort into hating him. You each allowed this with each other--ok some missteps and shortcomings by both of you--who grows from this? You or him or both. better make sure it's you

[sunnyd00]

I have a colleague/good friend I have been sleeping with on and off for a year. We've had some arguments about boundaries but seem to always iron things out. We're not exclusive, but it has been agreed at my insistance that if he is sleeping with or dating somewhere else, he needs to be honest with me about that so I have my choices to makes. No, we've never talked about feelings.. I do have feelings but based on many things he has said over the year, I am certain he wouldn't pursue things with me. Pretty certain anyway. (his main excuse being that we work together... which, is just an excuse...) He has also not hidden the fact he talks to other women and is looking something.

 

Anyways, I was fine and well with this all as long as he's honest with me... he claims he has nothing else going on, and yet, we hook up less than once a month. He's lying, isn't he? I mean is there any other reason a guy being offered NSA sex wouldn't want to have sex more than once a month?? I just feel like a total fool believing him this long.. I've read other threads here with people in the same situation and nearly every answer was "he's getting it somewhere else..."

 

So, am I an idiot for trying to believe there's another reason? Do I call him out on it? I don't want to hastily cut things off, we have fun...and there are other reasons I'd regret doing that.... but I also don't want to do this **** anymore if he's lying. Help!

[PRW]

No way any of us could really know that any better than you.

 

Yea he could be getting it somewhere else,...or it could be that it isn't as "new & exciting" with you after the amount of time has passed since you started. I think any FWB thing is destined to fizzle out after a while. It is the love and commitment that keeps it alive in a real relationship.

[Veronica73]

I don’t know how strangers on the internet could know if he’s lying or not. You’re the one who knows him and you don’t trust that he’s telling the truth even after you asked him... so... maybe find somebody that you can trust to tell you the truth? At least make sure you’re using condoms.

 

It’s not like sex is all guys’ primary motivation or hobby.

 

Also, this is just me, but if I had “feelings” I don’t think I’d ever feel secure or happy with a non-exclusive, NSA sexual relationship that was never going to develop into anything more. But if that works for you *shrug*

 

Edit: I thought I was responding to a different thread? Maybe two threads were merged?

Edited November 22, 2018 by Veronica73
Confused

[spiderowl]

This whole problem you face comes down to one thing - RESPECT! He does not respect you and you do not respect yourself. If you did, you would have walked away the minute he did anything disrespectful. I bet you could make a list of the ways he has disrespected you, one of which at least must be the texting another girl for a hookup while he was with you.

 

How should this guy treat you? Is he doing that? No, so that's when you walk.

 

He thinks he's got you on a string. He pulls the strings and you crumble and cooperate, in the hope that he will finally see the light. He is not going to see the light, or, if he does, it will only be because you draw a line in the sand and refuse to spend time with a guy who does not treat you with the utmost respect.

 

Make a list of the ways in which a guy shows respect towards a woman. That is the kind of guy you need. If it is real, it will last, not just for a few hours until you are drawn in again.

 

Lastly, you deserve respect. How does it make you feel when you give in to him and know that he is probably seeing others and that he is not committed to you? You do not seem to be respecting your own feelings but are putting them second to having him around.

 

If you reject all the guys who do not treat you with respect, it leaves the ones who do. Contrary to what you might think, instead of finding yourself all alone, you will gradually see that people learn from each other. If you turn down the wrong guys, then other guys can see you are a woman who has to be respected. When a guy knows that, he has to decide himself whether to approach you or not, knowing that he will be out on his ear if he does not treat you well. At a minimum, respect means guys will treat you better, even if they do not fall in love when you do. But of course we hope they will

[sunnyd00]

Oh a LOT of disrespect that I haven't even mentioned. Not enough time in a day to list it all. I know... "what are you doing with this loser then???" I honestly don't know.

 

Do guys like this KNOW they are disrespecting you? Is it worth a confrontation before I cut it off? Is it even worth cutting off or do I just block, ignore, disappear?

Edited November 22, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Versacehottie]

He's lying, isn't he? I mean is there any other reason a guy being offered NSA sex wouldn't want to have sex more than once a month??

 

you should want to "not do it anymore" for a variety of reasons. You can't let the fact that he may or may not be sleeping with others be the main motivation for stopping something that doesn't serve you AT ALL.

 

Gonna tell you the fact that you have ceased to be a challenge for him has got to be a huge reason he is not interested in seeing you more often/pursuing something with you. If you don't show respect for yourself first and foremost, do you honestly expect someone else too?

 

Also you are functioning on a very simple-minded equation for how guys function. Don't underestimate them: sex offered up in the way you are doing it, loses its appeal to a lot of guys (not all, but a lot). Like most things in life, people value what they work for and invest in. Handed to them on a platter, jumping for breadcrumbs, not so much. Also there is the obvious: too much involvement with you historically brings some drama into his life--it can be backward thinking because i know other guys do it as well--he thinks if he minimizes interactions with you, he can get what he wants on occasion without much drama at all. More involvement = more drama, is his thinking. He considers "more involvement" a waste of his time also because he doesn't want to pursue anything with you so it's unnecessary. Also "what he wants" is likely an ego boost over all (maybe some companionship); if it was simply the sex, you'd probably hear from him more often. Lastly, I think you should be less worried that he is out there pursuing hooking up with others--i think it's equally as likely that he is out there pursuing girls he would consider for a relationship.

 

I think it's SUPER foolish to try to enforce some false promise you guys made to each other. It won't really change the fact that given the openest of highways to pursue something with you, he chooses not to. Stop doing this to yourself, seriously. Good luck

[sunnyd00]

Thank you, you're right. I need hard love and accept it with open arms. This is everything I need to hear and have failed to accept. I figured from the get-go I never gave him a challenge and that's why he lost interest so fast. This guy had a crush on me for YEARS and the second we slept together he lost it and all I've done since is wonder what I did wrong. That's been the hardest part.. wondering what I did wrong or why I wasn't good enough, etc.

 

I am ending it, I know this. I'll never ask him to give me more because it's clear as day he doesn't want that or he'd have taken the opportunity. I am just struggling so so much with how to go about it. Will I feel better if I tell him ****ty he made me feel, or if I just cut off and disappear? I don't care how he will feel, what will make me feel better? I don't even know.. my head is a mess right now.

Edited November 22, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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