Wife almost cheated on me

[Poutrew]

The only reason she even told you what she did is because she may be worried that she contracted a STD from one of them and may need to explain it to you... Even if it was only her 'touching' his penis, did she say how the touch occurred? Did she give him a hand job or a BJ? Where did his semen wind up - also, since it was a threesome, did she tell you what she and the other woman did to each other? Is your wife a closeted Bi? Perhaps she is only telling you what she did to the man because she doesn't want to tell you how far she went with the other woman. Sorry simps0n, but I get the feeling that the woman you married is not who you think she is...

[simps0n]

The problem is there's no stone-cold proof that she can provide to police. We only have the self-made test that partially indicates some cannabis use, so I think we will only make a fool of ourselves if we go that way.

 

Now, about 24 hrs after the events, I primarily blame wife's stupidity for her actions, while my theory for potential drug use remain to be further analysed. It will be extremely difficult to ever confirm it in any way though...

 

I think I just need few days to sort out my emotions and thoughts and take the next step. Thanks everyone for your contributions!

[elaine567]

Drunk or Drugged? Spotting the Symptoms to Watch For - good image at the bottom of the article outlining common drugs and their effects

[simps0n]

The only reason she even told you what she did is because she may be worried that she contracted a STD from one of them and may need to explain it to you... Even if it was only her 'touching' his penis, did she say how the touch occurred? Did she give him a hand job or a BJ? Where did his semen wind up - also, since it was a threesome, did she tell you what she and the other woman did to each other? Is your wife a closeted Bi? Perhaps she is only telling you what she did to the man because she doesn't want to tell you how far she went with the other woman. Sorry simps0n, but I get the feeling that the woman you married is not who you think she is...

I am way too disgusted to ask for details on the handjob and kiss, but I am inclined to believe that was all. I know her for many years and can easily feel when she's lying and she knows it. That's why probably she confessed so quickly. Anyway, even without having sex or BJ, she has still crossed the line.

 

As for your last sentence, I am afraid I have to agree.

[bigman1]

Ok, so I am actually saying out loud:no, No, NOOOOOO. This date rape drug thing you are trying to suggest is absolute folly. It is false. Untrue. Baloney. BS.

 

Incapacity is the goal of date rape drugs. Btw, I was a prosecutor for years. Waking up and wondering what happened. Why are your pants down, why the vaginal pain, etc. All of that is consistent with date rape stuff. Knock them out, incapacitate them and rape. Period. This is not your story.

 

It sounds like your wife smoked weed, got relaxed, got in the mood to have the threesome that she had already committed to trying. After getting her smoke on, she had one. She then told you some of the story and then your wild imagination took over to come up with a plausible to you, but not realistic theory to explain it.

 

Btw: folks just don't drop trousers and start having public sex. Folks talk about it, flirt about it, get closer to it and then do it. Lastly, this dude is not a "typical guy" taking advantage of women. He is a dude who found 2 women willing to smoke weed and have sex and he smoked weed and had sex with them.

[TobyBoy]

If this “incident” actually occurred at a public place, than more than likely cameras were present.....they’re everywhere nowadays. That said, I’m pretty sure that the threesome occurred somewhere else. Hotel room would be my guess.

[Mr. Lucky]

Incapacity is the goal of date rape drugs. Btw, I was a prosecutor for years. Waking up and wondering what happened. Why are your pants down, why the vaginal pain, etc. All of that is consistent with date rape stuff. Knock them out, incapacitate them and rape. Period. This is not your story.

 

Exactly. I have an acquaintance who was assaulted using a date-rape drug, she woke up by herself on the floor of a hotel bathroom with no memory beyond a point earlier in the evening. It took a physical exam to confirm the rape.

 

The only "cloud your judgement" substance I know of for circumstances the OP describes is alcohol...

 

Mr. Lucky

[CollinW]

It's very obvious you're being trickle truthed. You can pretty much guarantee she either gave him head or there was some sex involved. Whenever a woman minimizes a sex act you know there was more. In what circumstances would she just touch a man's penis? And the fact you're trying to make excuses for her (he drugged them??) shows why she is behaving the ways she is in the first place.

[S2B]

Did she drive home?

 

Where was she when the touching occurred?

 

I'd demand a polygraph... I think she's blatantly lying.

 

 

Will it matter? Would you leave her if she screwed him?or for even participating?

[Colin Grant]

The number one thing cheaters do is minimize. Don't assume nothing more happened.

[ExpatInItaly]

She claims this all happened on a balcony?

 

Dear me, she is spinning these wheels something fierce. I don't buy that for a hot minute. She is going along with your date-rape-drug theory because she knows the truth will devastate you and make her look like a terrible wife.

 

She can most certainly still speak to the police if she believes she was sexually assaulted, with or without the aid of a drug. Essentially, this is her claim now. Tell her you are taking her to your local precinct today so she can speak to an officer to gain clarity on this. Or, place a call yourself and have a chat with someone. You don't need to let her know you're doing this. Find out the facts and present them to her. See what she does with that.

Edited October 15, 2018 by ExpatInItaly

[Try]

I am way too disgusted to ask for details on the handjob and kiss, but I am inclined to believe that was all.

You do not want to find out that there was more, so you are not asking questions you would be asking if you did want to know the full truth.

 

I know her for many years and can easily feel when she's lying and she knows it.

Says every cheated on spouse that wants to rub sweep.

 

You are in full denial mode. You are minimumizing her actions to the point of even inventing that she was drugged. Eventually it will eat at you and your marriage that you never found out the truth, but by waiting you reduced the odds of finding out what really happened. If you are going to find the truth your best chance is to do it now. You cannot forgive what you do not know. And since you know that you do not know, you will never forgive and have a chance to move on.

[Amethyst68]

Can I ask, you had concerns and then your wife confessed, so did you voice your concerns first? Was your wife's confession actually a response to your questions or did she simply volunteer the information out of nowhere?

 

If there are real concerns your wife was drugged she needs to get to a police station asap. There are a number of reasons:

 

If this is the truth then it could be an ongoing issue the police are investigating and any new information would be beneficial. Alternatively, if this the first time an incident like this is reported then it could spark an investigation into a new predator.

 

If it's a lie then a visit to the police could get you a 'parking lot confession', similar to the ones a lot of BSs get when they take their WS for a lie detector test. It's the fear of the test that prompts the additional confessions.

 

I HATE people who use date rape as an excuse for infidelity. Date rape is a real traumatic event and to use it as an excuse just because you can't own up to cheating is tantamount to a criminal offence in my mind. Bear in mind, if your wife was not drugged she is basically accusing a man, who may be a POS for sleeping with married women, of being a rapist. Ok, rant over.

 

I know it's a horrible situation to be in, if you truly believe he then get her to a police station to report it. They should also be able to direct you to the resides to support her going forward.

[sabaton]

My wife went to an after-class party last night with her classmates to celebrate their certification for pro designers. She came home at 4am and I immediately felt something's wrong. In the morning she confessed that she (almost) got into threesome with a guy (the teacher, married) and another woman (also married). They had some drinks chatting on the balcony and eventually the other two started touching and kissing each other, then he ****ed the other woman. They tried to involve her in the act but she sort of refused. She confessed that the guy kissed her and she touched his penis,

 

 

She cheated on you. She didn't almost cheat. She touched his genitals, and that's her side of the story. Who's to say she actually didn't have intercourse or oral sex with him or with the woman who was with them?

 

 

 

but that was all... She only stayed there and they did not force her anymore after she refused to continue.

 

I have very mixed feelings and still not decided what to do. We have a kid and I will not leave her for this, but it is probably a red flag for our relationship. So far she has always been very loyal even though our sexual relationship in particular has never been great.

 

 

What if there were moments when she cheated on you and you just didn't feel that something was wrong?

 

 

 

 

I am still very emotional and maybe do not get the big picture yet. What do you guys think? Even though I know the problem is mainly in ourselves, I am very tempted to have a 'chat' with the guy as he knew she was married and still tried to **** her. My wife is asking me to leave him alone as actually nothing happened, almost.

 

 

A chat with the guy? You are putting yourself at risk of getting beaten up/shot at over someone who has children with you, a life with you, and still that person goes ahead and cheats on you?

 

I'd file for a divorce.

[40somethingGuy]

First, your wife did not almost cheat on you, she did cheat on you; kissing him and giving him a hand job is cheating, and thus something did happen. Second, there is more that happened that she will never tell you; that is why she does not want you to talk to him. Third, regardless of if you stay in the marriage or leave, the marriage you had will never be the same.

 

Without telling your wife or anyone else in advance, talk to the other man to find out more about what happened. Then tell the other man’s wife, again without telling anyone in advance. If this guy gets to make out with your wife as he tries to have intercourse with her, the least that you get to do is talk to his wife about it. Maybe she knows something about it that you do not know. Also, not telling her if she does not know, makes you part of the cover-up, and she has a right to know.

 

Try is dead on point. Further, you don't tell your wife you pay this guy a visit and flat out tell him your wife came clean and had sex. Tell him YOU KNOW they had sex. Then, make him tell you his side or you will tell his wife. The reason you do this is to see if the stories match (which they likely will not). It is the best tactic to get to the truth. Your wife certainly wants you to buy her story at face value so of course doesn't want you to confront him. But the OM encroached on your territory and manhood and it is your job to fight back. Make damn certain he knows you are not playing around and will ruin him if he doesn't tell you everything. But don't back off that you know your wife screwed him. See what he says and what his reaction is and then you should have your answer. She 'understands' if you would leave because she likely did more than what she said. She feels guilty. But there is a 99% chance there is more than meets the eye and guilt is killing her.

[40somethingGuy]

I agree with the others that more happened, she only touched his penis, with what part of her body and for how long..

 

BTW.. 4 years ago you posted a thread about your good friend titled:

 

https://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/497719-would-you-forgive-betrayal

 

You might also want to look at the advice from that thread since you have a connection to that couple and how it turned out.

 

 

And I am sure he touched her lady parts as well.

[40somethingGuy]

Fyi, wife got a test from drugstore which sort of showed cannabis use... Then we made it to emergency room and made urine test which resulted negative. These tests are made 12 hours after the events, so even if any drug use it might be not present or non traceable. I was secretly expecting something from this, but it is very hard to prove anything anyway. Interestingly, I asked wife to call girl friend and ask how was she feeling today and she also shared some identical untypical feelings. But yeah, it is probably just me trying to find an excuse to believe...

 

As for talking to the other guys involved, I am only considering revealing the story to the wife of the guy. I just do not foresee anything useful coming out if I talk to any of the rest.

 

Take my advice and talk to him. You are just being a total doormat not to plus by telling him YOU KNOW he slept with your wife you will get your answer. He is happy to ruin your life so please be happy to ruin his but only after you get out of him what you need.

[Mr. Lucky]

Make damn certain he knows you are not playing around and will ruin him if he doesn't tell you everything.

 

I'd guess the certifying institution would frown upon having a teacher and two students celebrate graduation by putting on a public group-sex display. This leverage alone would be enough to get at the truth...

 

Mr. Lucky

[40somethingGuy]

I'd guess the certifying institution would frown upon having a teacher and two students celebrate graduation by putting on a public group-sex display. This leverage alone would be enough to get at the truth...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I am concerned that the OP is just setting himself up for more pain down the road. He absolutely is trying to make up reasons why his wife didn't do more. It is so painfully obvious she cheated and felt guilty so came up with this story. Drunk, stoned, all the above still is no excuse and the OP has all the leverage in the world to find out what happened. And he can get it from the OM himself easily. The stories will match or they won't. But coming at him telling him he KNOWS they did will elicit the reaction that will tell him the truth. Then, once you get what you need...ruin him both with his wife and the institution. OP's wife would at the very least respect him (for once) for not being the guy to mess with. His passive approach will only make him look weak in his wife's eyes (which sub-consciously is likely why she cheated in the 1st place). Would a strong alpha male choose not to confront and get to the bottom of this?

[elaine567]

I am concerned that the OP is just setting himself up for more pain down the road. He absolutely is trying to make up reasons why his wife didn't do more. It is so painfully obvious she cheated and felt guilty so came up with this story. Drunk, stoned, all the above still is no excuse and the OP has all the leverage in the world to find out what happened. And he can get it from the OM himself easily. The stories will match or they won't. But coming at him telling him he KNOWS they did will elicit the reaction that will tell him the truth. Then, once you get what you need...ruin him both with his wife and the institution. OP's wife would at the very least respect him (for once) for not being the guy to mess with. His passive approach will only make him look weak in his wife's eyes (which sub-consciously is likely why she cheated in the 1st place). Would a strong alpha male choose not to confront and get to the bottom of this?

 

 

Maybe but a strong alpha male may get shot or beaten up in the process or carted off to jail.

 

I do not think we should be urging men to put themselves in danger.

Fine we can all sit safely behind our screens, goading already distressed men on "to sort the OM out" and "act like a man", but this OM may be a gun toting psycho for all we know who will not stand back and let himself be ruined by the OP...

This OM has a lot to lose and when people have a lot to lose they are capable of anything...

Stay away.

[40somethingGuy]

Maybe but a strong alpha male may get shot or beaten up in the process or carted off to jail.

 

I do not think we should be urging men to put themselves in danger.

Fine we can all sit safely behind our screens, goading already distressed men on "to sort the OM out" and "act like a man", but this OM may be a gun toting psycho for all we know who will not stand back and let himself be ruined by the OP...

This OM has a lot to lose and when people have a lot to lose they are capable of anything...

Stay away.

 

 

Well, I didn't just sit behind my keyboard when it happened to me...and the OM was about 6-5 and 400 pounds of flab. It is doubtful he is anything more than a guy who preys on vulnerable women and the OP can get the truth or not. Being passive will bring on weakness and doubt and he will not heal from this not ever knowing. That is a fact. Of course, have a weapon of some sort ready just in case but that is very very very unlikely. The likely scenario is the guy gets scared and complies because he doesn't want to get ruined. But I am sure the OP will take your advice and wait for the next time his wife decides to 'give another man a tug or two' with her hand and lips.

[elaine567]

'give another man a tug or two' with her hand and lips.

I never said he does not need to deal with his wife, I suggest he seriously considers divorce as she crossed the line and things will never be the same again, but why put himself at risk for such a woman?

[simps0n]

Guys,

 

First of all, many thanks for your input. You are providing me with some objective observations that I hope will help me to continue.

 

Secondly, consider the difficulty of dealing with infidelity when it actually happens to you. It is very different to just reading/hearing other people stories (in fact, it happened to my best friend and I acknowledge that huge difference in perception). This shall explain any incorrect beliefs or making up reasons to defend your cheating partner (i.e. my drug rape theory).

 

I believe I am a reasonable man and therefore I decided to take my time and do not take any impulsive actions based on emotion. Honestly, 3 days after the events, I am still confused and emotional but I managed to make an action plan:

 

1. Approach the wife of the guy via online messaging. Try to check their current marriage status.

 

2. Make wife explain her full story. Every single detail, from the beginning to the end.

 

3. Ask girl friend* for her version of the story. Her marriage status appears healthy, so she should have good reasons to tell the truth. My idea is to bluff and ask kind of tricky questions in order to rule out that they are aligned with my wife's version.

 

4. Ask the guy for his version of the story. This is optional and I will decide if I can actually get something out of this only after I go through the previous steps.

 

 

*Note that I am saying girl friend, but they have only known each other for a couple of months.

[S2B]

Get her to take a polygraph.

 

 

Meeting her OM looks weak.

 

You're dealing with HER infidelity - he owes you nothing.

[Blanco]

When people own up to misconduct, it is rare that they totally clean right away. This isn't like a TV show where you get the person breaking down and giving a full confession. Most times, if it's serious enough, you'll get more details over time; trickle truth.

 

Your wife gave you the barebones version of what happened, so that she could appear not deceitful while still portraying herself in a good light ("I started, but didn't go through with it").