Wife almost cheated on me

[simps0n]

More excuses for her. Date rape, now post partum. Dude, seriously?! Was she diagnosed and being treated for that by a doctor? Is random drug fueled sexual behavior a symptom of it?

 

Man oh man. If you want to stay with her, stay. Just be honest with yourself and her. Quit making excuses and face the known truth. She had sexual contact in a threesome. It is not a deal breaker for you, it just hurts. Embrace the hurt and move forward. I am not being sarcastic.

 

Once you face the brutal truth, you can make a decision. Absolute truth is not happening, but basic facts are clear. Embrace them. No excuses for her. She was clear thinking before she got high. She made a choice and followed through with it.

Yes, she has the diagnosis confirmed by 2 different psychiatrists and she's on medical therapy. BUT do not get me wrong, in any way I am not using this as an excuse for her actions! Exactly the opposite, I am still shocked by her brave actions (geez, that's a threesome in public place!) considering her anxiety condition. Anyway, as I mentioned originally we have had our issues that have led to a broken relationship, but that's a different topic. My point is that I have only mentioned her depression in relation to her inability to keep secrets, not making another excuse.

 

BTW, let us be clear, after your comments and a bit of research, I have already fully acknowledged that my drug rape theory is bull****.

Edited October 17, 2018 by simps0n

[simps0n]

So you may never get the truth. Can you live with that?

 

Do not have sex with her until she has proof she's not pregnant - seriously.

 

 

What is she willing to do to be sure this never happens again? Is she willing to:

 

Stop drinking altogether? She obviously gets drunk

Stop the drugs? She obviously did drugs - out until 4am...

Never attend a party without you? She can't be trusted

 

What sacrifices is she to make to be sure she doesn't do it again?

 

You shouldn't have to police her - she should be OFFERING you things that don't put her at risk again/your marriage at risk.

 

Not being sure I am getting the truth is something I cannot live with. Nevertheless, not trying to make an attempt to get to it is also something that I may eventually regret if I leave her now.

 

She is willing to make a lot of sacrifices including all these you mentioned, but this is not something I am really fascinated by. If we are to make up, we need to fix our relationship, which I realize was broken long before the cheating. Of course everyone will have to make some necessary sacrifices such as drinking alcohol and drugs. However, I do not picture myself in this type of controller role, i.e. accompany her everywhere, spy her phone/internet etc. This is not the relationship I would like to have, but I still cannot say if I would be able to rebuild my complete in trust her. Only time will tell, I guess?

Edited October 17, 2018 by simps0n

[ExpatInItaly]

The party was actually very close to our place, so she came back home walking (7-8 mins). She was also accompanied by the other girl on most of the way back because they left the party together. They both have had excessive amount of alcohol but it seems they were capable to walk (so none of them vomited or had to be carried etc.).

 

This, coupled with her clear memory of the events, is why I do not believe there was any date-rape drug involved. She was still quite coherent and stable, though drunk. Someone who has been drugged is generally going to be significantly more impaired than your wife was.

 

I'm sorry OP, but I think this was plain ol' cheating. Did she get caught up in the moment? Yes, sounds like it. Has she been maybe a little bored between the sheets at home lately? Perhaps. Is she telling you the full truth? Almost definitely not. Did this man spike her drink? I very strongly doubt that.

[SmartDude]

So far she has always been very loyal even though our sexual relationship in particular has never been great. So I partially understand her curiousity and that she due to the emotion (and alcohol) got into this.

 

If your sexual relationship was never great, it is not suprising that a woman will go out and seek experiences with other people. Even great sex can't really help because you are doing it with the same person year after year. Sometimes variety in partners is the only thing that will ever bring that spice back.

 

Were I live is a nice area, homes by the sea. On any given monday when I ride my bike in the morning is when I see the most sexually desperate women. They are all wives, doing their morning workout while the husbands are at work. Fantastic bodies, great looking women. The hints and flirting are so blatant and obvious, even to an aspie like me. It is such a suprise to experience this hidden reality, but I am not supprised at all. They seem so easy I am considering charging money for my discrete services.

 

Take a moment to relax and look at the big picture. Did your wife fall in love with another man or did she go out and have some wild sex for fun? There is a diference.

[elaine567]

Did your wife fall in love with another man or did she go out and have some wild sex for fun? There is a diference.

 

It is a question that seems not to have been yet considered, in all of these date rape, drunk, stoned scenarios.

What does this man or even this woman actually mean to the OP's wife?

[simps0n]

It is a question that seems not to have been yet considered, in all of these date rape, drunk, stoned scenarios.

What does this man or even this woman actually mean to the OP's wife?

 

The other girl is a classmate of my wife and they have known each other for several weeks only (since the course started). They only met during classes. Obviously, the same applies to the guy (their teacher), but they both formally met with him at the party.

[bigman1]

Okay. Soooooo, I know a guy who teaches at a local community college. He says that having sex with students is so easy that he won't quit the job. He is an adjunct prof. He is also in his early 50's now. Looks young, but was "knee deep in pu$$...." in his 40's. Haven't spoke to him in about 3 years, bit he is still teaching so I only assume now. Sounds like your wife was one of those kind of hookups.

 

In the end, you either accept it, cause she can't undo it or you walk. You could tell her that. "I promise that my decision will not change if you give me the full truth, but if you are lying to me, no matter when I find out, I will never talk to you again in life because you will have betrayed and manipulated me".

 

Even if you are walking away, you don't signal it, if you need to know the truth. Stay, go, whatever. If you are walking, it probably doesn't matter. If you are tryna see how you can stay, it probably doesn't matter cause nothing is gonna drive you away anyhow.

[Chaparral]

I agree with the plan you laid out about taking to the other people including his wife.

 

On the drug question, cocaine and extacy (sp) make people extremely horney. They may have taken that or in the case of extacy that may have been slipped in a drink. Would the drug test have caught that. Still not an excuse.

 

Polygraphs, if done right are extremely useful, particularly for a parking lot confession.

[grassisorisntgreener]

Your wife has poor boundaries.

 

You say she's post partum? She probably feels insecure with her body and when complimented wanted to fit in and prove herself. Again, poor boundaries and a need for others to like her or think she's cool.

 

I think it's a good sign that she told you. She could have easily not said a single thing and you'd have never found out. So that seems promising.

[40somethingGuy]

Your wife has poor boundaries.

 

You say she's post partum? She probably feels insecure with her body and when complimented wanted to fit in and prove herself. Again, poor boundaries and a need for others to like her or think she's cool.

 

I think it's a good sign that she told you. She could have easily not said a single thing and you'd have never found out. So that seems promising.

 

I never saw the OP state that she is no longer allowed to be in that class with those two toxic people. Is he actually going to permit his WW to have future contact with the OM?

[simps0n]

In the end, you either accept it, cause she can't undo it or you walk. You could tell her that. "I promise that my decision will not change if you give me the full truth, but if you are lying to me, no matter when I find out, I will never talk to you again in life because you will have betrayed and manipulated me".

 

Even if you are walking away, you don't signal it, if you need to know the truth. Stay, go, whatever. If you are walking, it probably doesn't matter. If you are tryna see how you can stay, it probably doesn't matter cause nothing is gonna drive you away anyhow.

 

I told her something very similar just before I asked her to reveal the full story. I said that I knew there were a number of reasons for her actions mainly due to our relationship issues and I am giving her a last chance to tell me everything if she really wanted us to fix our marriage.

 

As I mentioned previously, what is really preventing me from buying her story are several blind spots in her memory. Although she does not remember some periods of time during the night, contradictorily she seems quite confident on the things she did not do (i.e. sex, blowjobs etc.). I am afraid my mind simply wouldn't be able to forget about these memory gaps...

 

- She cannot remember how the hell she ended up there partially undressed, with other two people making sex in front of her.

 

- She hardly remembers the place of the intercourse at all (supposedly, another balcony.)

 

- She cannot explain for what reason she called/texted her girl friend at 12am and then at 2am (this is something I found in her phone.)

 

 

I came up with an idea that may be more appropriate than polygraph. I may ask her to call her girl friend on speaker, without letting her know that I am also on the call. My wife offered talking to her about the missing information, so she *should be* fine with this plan. If she bluffed and refuses to do it, then everything is clear. If she accepts, I shall plan the conversation very carefully, so I will think of asking questions in a way that we get answers or they fail miserable (in case the story I got has been aligned between themselves).

 

The other option I can think of should be even more comfortable for her. I secretly enable call recording on her phone and again let her talk to the girl in private. Listen to her report after the call, then listen to the actual recording and make conclusions. This should be even better than talking to the girl myself.

Edited October 17, 2018 by simps0n

[simps0n]

I do not think I am simply underestimating the effects of alcohol here (combined with antidepressants), right? The above look to me as some quite important moments that should not be so easy to forget.

Edited October 17, 2018 by simps0n

[frigginlost]

Dude, you're building the web way bigger than it needs to be.

 

Those of us who have been cheated on, get it. You're looking for every reason under the sun on how to save your relationship. What you're failing to understand, is that no matter how many rings you add to the web, the structure is still broken.

 

You are never going to get the full truth. Ever. No matter what she tells you, no matter what you hear listening in on a call with her friend, no matter what you hear from the other dude, you're simply not going to get the full truth. Ever.

 

Your wife has poor boundaries, and cheated. There is no "almost". She flat out cheated. End of story. The reasons surrounding the "why's" matter not. She played with pigs and got dirty. End of story.

 

The question you need to answer is only to yourself. Can you live with it, or not? She's shown that she can break a boundary and any past behavior is a good predictor of future behavior. She's already a cheater, so what's to stop her from cheating again? Her word? Her word is ****e. It don't mean anything. It might in the future after some very, very hard work on her part, but are you comfortable with the 50/50 shot of it not working and three years from now when she has a glass of wine or six, and then decides to blow the bellhop in an elevator?

 

Don't look to her for answers right now. Start questioning yourself and what you can deal with at a basic level. Can you live with the what if's...

[DKT3]

Listen, you are kinda dancing around this thing. Been there done that. The convenient memory loss, is common. Oh I didn't do that, but I dont remember how I got there. BS my friend.

 

Calling her friend is useless, women are usually miles ahead of the betrayed husband, its likely they have already come up with a matching strategy being both are married.

 

I will tell you something that took me 8 months to learn. If you are scared to know the truth your wife will own you as far as this situation goes. Being scared to be strong and take strong actions will keep you stuck in a world of uncertainty and open to manipulation.

 

In my opinion we BH make it easy for our wives to get away with this stuff.

 

I danced around with my wife for 8 months got nothing. Detached and started ignoring her because honestly I no longer cared. It was then I started to see a difference in her. Once 8 had her served the flood gates opened and the truth came pouring out.

 

WW only understand strong actions, until you take them she will think its business as usual and you will believe any crap she pushes out her mouth.

 

Her story makes no sense, because she is editing it to minimize her actions, which means it's much worse than she is telling you.

[elaine567]

Calling her friend is useless, women are usually miles ahead of the betrayed husband, its likely they have already come up with a matching strategy being both are married.

 

 

I agree same with the OM he is married too. It is in all their interests to get their stories straight.

 

I guess something spooked them, else why did your wife tell you all this the next morning, why the rush?

[DKT3]

I agree same with the OM he is married too. It is in all their interests to get their stories straight.

 

I guess something spooked them, else why did your wife tell you all this the next morning, why the rush?

 

It happened at a party, my guess is others know it happened and she is being proactive.

 

As is the case with every instance of infidelity, if it doesn't make sense it's a lie, half truth or minimizing actions.

 

OP be strong and keep pushing, the next whole story is right around the corner.

[bigman1]

After review, it is clear. You can now confront her with some hard truths and give her a deadline to reveal. Like 30 seconds after you finish talking.

 

She conveniently does not remember the stuff that exposes the depth of her betrayal. How'd her clothes get off shows that she had time to back out. When did the topic of sex come up? Whose idea? All of that preamble stuff she forgets. How'd she get dressed? Why did she remain and watch? All of those show what happened. She can stick to the kiss and penis touch all day, but the facts that she claims not to remember are the real killers.

 

She remembers. Screw all of the I won't leave if you tell me crap. Tell her that she is lying about the lead up so she does not look bad and you are leaving. Pack some stuff, or pack her stuff and give her 30 seconds and then walk or toss. She will talk or only last, at most, 10 days no contact. Pick up some uncontested divorce paperwork, assuming you are in the US, tell her you guys can save some money on legal fees. But there is no need to waste any more time with her memory lapses. Either remember or call the girlfriend on speaker and ask otherwise bye.

 

She will tell because she is deliberately not telling you now. Deadlines after pointing out the obvious flaws work with those who have guilty consciences. Worked as a prosecutor for a LONG time. It is an old police tactic. Sort of telling them, "I tried being nice, I tried being crafty. But you are too smart for that. I get it. Well, I am done wasting time. Here us what I know, here is why I know you are lying, either tell me the whole story or your life is gonna change and This is your last chance." It is not said angrily. It is said matter of factly and they start putting up notepads and walk. You'd be amazed at how many talk.

[40somethingGuy]

After review, it is clear. You can now confront her with some hard truths and give her a deadline to reveal. Like 30 seconds after you finish talking.

 

She conveniently does not remember the stuff that exposes the depth of her betrayal. How'd her clothes get off shows that she had time to back out. When did the topic of sex come up? Whose idea? All of that preamble stuff she forgets. How'd she get dressed? Why did she remain and watch? All of those show what happened. She can stick to the kiss and penis touch all day, but the facts that she claims not to remember are the real killers.

 

She remembers. Screw all of the I won't leave if you tell me crap. Tell her that she is lying about the lead up so she does not look bad and you are leaving. Pack some stuff, or pack her stuff and give her 30 seconds and then walk or toss. She will talk or only last, at most, 10 days no contact. Pick up some uncontested divorce paperwork, assuming you are in the US, tell her you guys can save some money on legal fees. But there is no need to waste any more time with her memory lapses. Either remember or call the girlfriend on speaker and ask otherwise bye.

 

She will tell because she is deliberately not telling you now. Deadlines after pointing out the obvious flaws work with those who have guilty consciences. Worked as a prosecutor for a LONG time. It is an old police tactic. Sort of telling them, "I tried being nice, I tried being crafty. But you are too smart for that. I get it. Well, I am done wasting time. Here us what I know, here is why I know you are lying, either tell me the whole story or your life is gonna change and This is your last chance." It is not said angrily. It is said matter of factly and they start putting up notepads and walk. You'd be amazed at how many talk.

 

 

 

I don't want to make it sound like I don't understand how the OP feels now. I had the same feelings 2 years ago. I ended up wishing I was even more brutal than I was. I went to the OM direct and told him I knew a lot and even told him some questions I knew the answer to and others I did not. I will know if you are lying to me. He basically confirmed what I knew and answered all my questions...and the questions didn't stop for nearly a year. If a question popped in my head I asked. This guy is 3 times my size and he actually admitted to me he was my (female dog that starts with letter B). Then, I was able to tell my wife some of the stuff he told me and it was clear he told me a ton by her reaction. Basically I made it so gaslighting was too tiring for her and she came clean...where I went back to him and got more confirmation. I played them off each other.

 

 

I don't think the OP really wants to know or maybe is afraid he may not be able to handle the reality that his wife took it from someone else. I seriously doubt she would 'touch his unit' and kiss him and then sit in the corner and play on her phone while the other 2 got it on. This looked like a full on 3 some and maybe his wife engaged in lesbian action as well. That could be part of her secret. Why would she even be there if she wasn't interested? Isn't that a good cue to start walking home?

 

 

I believe the OP is doing what I did. I considered the kids, finances, starting over, throwing 12 plus years together away etc. I certainly didn't want to dump and regret for not trying but I did know that until I was comfortable that I knew the truth there would be no peace for me. It is a long process and the OP is at the beginning. This will scar him for years to come if not ever. Broken trust is just so hard to gain back and I suggest the OP find a way to get to the bottom of the truth and see how far his WW is willing to go to gain back trust over time.

[Whatnotagain]

The spouses of the other people involved with your wife need to be told, ASAP, they deserve to know. Stop thinking of them as leverage in your attempt to find out the truth and disclose to them everything that you have been told. Then watch and see how your wife reacts; my guess is she will be furious. At some point she is going to switch from being the cooperative spouse in your marriage interrogation to pissed off because you keep asking questions and investigating.

[DKT3]

The spouses of the other people involved with your wife need to be told, ASAP, they deserve to know. Stop thinking of them as leverage in your attempt to find out the truth and disclose to them everything that you have been told. Then watch and see how your wife reacts; my guess is she will be furious. At some point she is going to switch from being the cooperative spouse in your marriage interrogation to pissed off because you keep asking questions and investigating.

 

I dont know that it's his place to tell the friends husband anything. if I were a betting man I would say it was a role reversal and it was actually his wife having sex and that friend was slightly involved if at all. Cheaters lie, why blast her friend who may well be innocent.

[Whatnotagain]

I dont know that it's his place to tell the friends husband anything. if I were a betting man I would say it was a role reversal and it was actually his wife having sex and that friend was slightly involved if at all. Cheaters lie, why blast her friend who may well be innocent.

 

Why disclose? Because it is the decent and human thing to do. Most everyone has been saying that her kissing, touching, and observing is the same as cheating so even if the roles were reversed, the other woman was still cheating. I don't disagree that the OP's wife may have been the one have sex but why would she involve a third person in her story. It could have been her and the other man only and she could have told the OP the exact same story; we kissed, we touched, we stopped short of having sex, and by the way it was in public view on a balcony. Typical behavior is to omit details from the story not add them.

[S2B]

After review, it is clear. You can now confront her with some hard truths and give her a deadline to reveal. Like 30 seconds after you finish talking.

 

She conveniently does not remember the stuff that exposes the depth of her betrayal. How'd her clothes get off shows that she had time to back out. When did the topic of sex come up? Whose idea? All of that preamble stuff she forgets. How'd she get dressed? Why did she remain and watch? All of those show what happened. She can stick to the kiss and penis touch all day, but the facts that she claims not to remember are the real killers.

 

She remembers. Screw all of the I won't leave if you tell me crap. Tell her that she is lying about the lead up so she does not look bad and you are leaving. Pack some stuff, or pack her stuff and give her 30 seconds and then walk or toss. She will talk or only last, at most, 10 days no contact. Pick up some uncontested divorce paperwork, assuming you are in the US, tell her you guys can save some money on legal fees. But there is no need to waste any more time with her memory lapses. Either remember or call the girlfriend on speaker and ask otherwise bye.

 

She will tell because she is deliberately not telling you now. Deadlines after pointing out the obvious flaws work with those who have guilty consciences. Worked as a prosecutor for a LONG time. It is an old police tactic. Sort of telling them, "I tried being nice, I tried being crafty. But you are too smart for that. I get it. Well, I am done wasting time. Here us what I know, here is why I know you are lying, either tell me the whole story or your life is gonna change and This is your last chance." It is not said angrily. It is said matter of factly and they start putting up notepads and walk. You'd be amazed at how many talk.

 

 

I think it's so bad that she won't tell what really happened.

 

Any gal touching a penis AND has her clothes off has done a lot.

 

She's just never gonna tell you ALL of it - in hopes she minimized it enough (and made herself the victim) enough for you to "feel sorry for her".

 

There's NO need to feel sorry for her!

 

She made MANY decisions that put her there without you - then made many MORE decisions to participate.

 

No way is any of it not her fault.

[simps0n]

Dude, you're building the web way bigger than it needs to be.

 

Those of us who have been cheated on, get it. You're looking for every reason under the sun on how to save your relationship. What you're failing to understand, is that no matter how many rings you add to the web, the structure is still broken.

 

You are never going to get the full truth. Ever. No matter what she tells you, no matter what you hear listening in on a call with her friend, no matter what you hear from the other dude, you're simply not going to get the full truth. Ever.

 

Your wife has poor boundaries, and cheated. There is no "almost". She flat out cheated. End of story. The reasons surrounding the "why's" matter not. She played with pigs and got dirty. End of story.

 

The question you need to answer is only to yourself. Can you live with it, or not? She's shown that she can break a boundary and any past behavior is a good predictor of future behavior. She's already a cheater, so what's to stop her from cheating again? Her word? Her word is ****e. It don't mean anything. It might in the future after some very, very hard work on her part, but are you comfortable with the 50/50 shot of it not working and three years from now when she has a glass of wine or six, and then decides to blow the bellhop in an elevator?

 

Don't look to her for answers right now. Start questioning yourself and what you can deal with at a basic level. Can you live with the what if's...

 

I would disagree with you to some extent. Few days ago, I blindly followed my initial thoughts and emotions (based on her story), but now I accept the uncomfortable facts. There is no 'almost', it was not random, it was not pure curiosity.

 

I am fully aware that the 'structure is broken', it has actually been broken long before the cheating. There were a lot of reasons that led to it. I realize that I have neglected and ignored our issues. Without trying to minimize her fault, if I have to be brutally honest, I am even inclined to believe that if it was not her, it might have been easily myself in her shoes right now or in the near future. So even if there is more that she is not sharing, it would not be that difficult to explain the reasons for it. This is a different topic though.

Edited October 18, 2018 by simps0n

[simps0n]

I believe the OP is doing what I did. I considered the kids, finances, starting over, throwing 12 plus years together away etc. I certainly didn't want to dump and regret for not trying but I did know that until I was comfortable that I knew the truth there would be no peace for me. It is a long process and the OP is at the beginning. This will scar him for years to come if not ever. Broken trust is just so hard to gain back and I suggest the OP find a way to get to the bottom of the truth and see how far his WW is willing to go to gain back trust over time.

Exactly. I am not scared to enter in a process of re-building trust, but I am to forgive infidelity, I would prefer to start from clean scratch (no matter how ridiculous it sounds). In other words, I would need a clean 'start' that I can live with (don't confuse it with a 'future' I can live with because this is something I cannot predict). Otherwise, it is absolutely not worth it to devote any more of my time, trust, love etc to this person.

 

I know I will never ever get the full story. I think I can live with that. But if I decide to try to take the long way with her, I need to close this with at a story that I buy. Don't get me wrong, I am not blindly looking for a foolish reason to remain in this relationship. As I said above, it was broken even before the recent events. It is entirely up to me and my wife to sit down and decide if we are willing to try to fix it or not. However, I have no intentions to enter into similar process whatsoever before clarifying the questions that are bothering me.

Edited October 18, 2018 by simps0n

[standtall]

Came in late on this one. OP, you're wife is trickle truthing you to death. IMHO, she did way, way, more than she admits. You have a choice to make..keep picking at this scab until it bleeds wide open, or maybe let it go and keep an eye on it. The ball is in your court.