Wife almost cheated on me

[JS84]

I am way too disgusted to ask for details on the handjob and kiss, but I am inclined to believe that was all. I know her for many years and can easily feel when she's lying and she knows it. That's why probably she confessed so quickly. Anyway, even without having sex or BJ, she has still crossed the line.

 

As for your last sentence, I am afraid I have to agree.

 

You've known her for years yet you also said this

 

I would never assume wife is capable to do something like this

 

I think you need to accept the fact it's possible you don't know your wife as well as you think you do. Don't assume anything because of what you feel or think you know.

[bathtub-row]

My thoughts on this — her inhibitions were down, she’s bored with her sex life with you, an opportunity presented itself that intrigued her, then reality slapped her in the face and she snapped out of it. But she still feels guilty.

 

Not sure what you should do but if she did indeed stop herself, I’d say that was at least commendable.

[whichwayisup]

Tell her she has to get tested for STD's.

[S2B]

Guys,

 

First of all, many thanks for your input. You are providing me with some objective observations that I hope will help me to continue.

 

Secondly, consider the difficulty of dealing with infidelity when it actually happens to you. It is very different to just reading/hearing other people stories (in fact, it happened to my best friend and I acknowledge that huge difference in perception). This shall explain any incorrect beliefs or making up reasons to defend your cheating partner (i.e. my drug rape theory).

 

I believe I am a reasonable man and therefore I decided to take my time and do not take any impulsive actions based on emotion. Honestly, 3 days after the events, I am still confused and emotional but I managed to make an action plan:

 

1. Approach the wife of the guy via online messaging. Try to check their current marriage status.

 

2. Make wife explain her full story. Every single detail, from the beginning to the end.

 

3. Ask girl friend* for her version of the story. Her marriage status appears healthy, so she should have good reasons to tell the truth. My idea is to bluff and ask kind of tricky questions in order to rule out that they are aligned with my wife's version.

 

4. Ask the guy for his version of the story. This is optional and I will decide if I can actually get something out of this only after I go through the previous steps.

 

 

*Note that I am saying girl friend, but they have only known each other for a couple of months.

 

So many of us HER have been cheated on - that's why we keep telling you things we learned the hard way (the long way).

 

It wasn't a date rape drug - so stop saying that - since the tests ruled that out. You seem to keep trying to make excuses for her bad behavior.

 

Have her take a polygraph! You need her truth now!

 

No need to go ask OTHERS - they aren't married to you - and they have had time to get a story straight.

 

 

Either touching his penis is a deal breaker or it isn't... but be ready - insure she lied and had sex with him.

 

 

She stayed when you left... looks to me like she had an agenda ahead of time.

 

Your wife participated - you either get mad and see a counselor to repair the damage she caused - or you realize you can't live with her infidelity.

 

Don't minimize and make excuses for her. She's not innocent in this.

[doyathinkso]

Guys,

 

 

 

Secondly, consider the difficulty of dealing with infidelity when it actually happens to you.

 

 

 

Helllooooooo! Just about everyone advising you here is speaking from experience. Sad, bitter experience.

[ExpatInItaly]

How did your wife get home from this party, OP?

 

You are correct that telling someone what to do when cheating occurs is different from actually experiencing it for oneself. However, you have to remember that you are speaking to several members who have been cheated on, and are speaking as former (or even current) betrayed spouses. Your situation is not so unique that people here can't understand because, well, many have been where you are now.

 

Talk to other parties involved if you want, but understand that you might not get the full story there either. You could try to match up some details but know that your wife and her friend have likely already concocted and agreed upon a story to tell you.

[simps0n]

My thoughts on this — her inhibitions were down, she’s bored with her sex life with you, an opportunity presented itself that intrigued her, then reality slapped her in the face and she snapped out of it. But she still feels guilty.

 

Not sure what you should do but if she did indeed stop herself, I’d say that was at least commendable.

 

I dunno if true or not, but at the very present moment your thoughts match mine completely spot-on.

 

How did your wife get home from this party, OP? ... You could try to match up some details but know that your wife and her friend have likely already concocted and agreed upon a story to tell you.

 

The party was actually very close to our place, so she came back home walking (7-8 mins). She was also accompanied by the other girl on most of the way back because they left the party together. They both have had excessive amount of alcohol but it seems they were capable to walk (so none of them vomited or had to be carried etc.).

 

BTW, I had a long heads-up conversation to get every single detail I could think of. I made it clear that was her last chance to share everything. I will share the key notes a bit later, but in general I still need to fill some gaps. Therefore, my next step would be to talk to the other girl.

[Haru-no-yuki]

Therefore, my next step would be to talk to the other girl.

 

Sounds like a huge effort. What's the point exactly? I see four key scenarios:

 

1. Your wife was lying to you:

a. You forgive her but knowing always she lied to you. Bad outcome

b. You leave her. Bad outcome

 

2. Your wife was telling you the truth:

a. You forgive her. She's angry with you for not believing her. Bad outcome.

b. You don't forgive her. In which case it didn't matter what your wife said.

 

Where's the upside from all your enquiring?

[40somethingGuy]

I dunno if true or not, but at the very present moment your thoughts match mine completely spot-on.

 

 

 

The party was actually very close to our place, so she came back home walking (7-8 mins). She was also accompanied by the other girl on most of the way back because they left the party together. They both have had excessive amount of alcohol but it seems they were capable to walk (so none of them vomited or had to be carried etc.).

 

BTW, I had a long heads-up conversation to get every single detail I could think of. I made it clear that was her last chance to share everything. I will share the key notes a bit later, but in general I still need to fill some gaps. Therefore, my next step would be to talk to the other girl.

 

 

Please remember most everyone here has been affected by infidelity in one form or another- betrayer or betrayed. I am well aware that you are in a state that has you confused and shocked yet trying to stay sane and play your cards right. My advice was exactly what I did in your situation which is I confronted the OM direct and accused him of things to get his side of it (and to confirm or not my wife's story). The message was most certainly that I am not the guy to mess with. You seem to allow your WW to meet this guy again. A message must be sent to him or your silence is approval. All this going to the GF etc will only allow their stories to get straight. Did you straight up tell your wife (calmly) that you believe she went further? Cheaters never give the 100% truth. If she only touched him and kissed him why did she even tell you? She went further and feels guilty. It is a shame you will allow this guy to not be confronted and find out what happened.

[simps0n]

Sounds like a huge effort. What's the point exactly? I see four key scenarios:

 

1. Your wife was lying to you:

a. You forgive her but knowing always she lied to you. Bad outcome

b. You leave her. Bad outcome

 

2. Your wife was telling you the truth:

a. You forgive her. She's angry with you for not believing her. Bad outcome.

b. You don't forgive her. In which case it didn't matter what your wife said.

 

Where's the upside from all your enquiring?

 

The reason I am posting here and seeking objective advice is to understand IF I have reasons at all to consider option 2a. I can live with her anger for not believing her for once.

[simps0n]

My advice was exactly what I did in your situation which is I confronted the OM direct and accused him of things to get his side of it (and to confirm or not my wife's story). The message was most certainly that I am not the guy to mess with. You seem to allow your WW to meet this guy again. A message must be sent to him or your silence is approval. All this going to the GF etc will only allow their stories to get straight. Did you straight up tell your wife (calmly) that you believe she went further? Cheaters never give the 100% truth. If she only touched him and kissed him why did she even tell you? She went further and feels guilty. It is a shame you will allow this guy to not be confronted and find out what happened.

 

I have absolutely no issue confronting the OM (as well as the institution he is working at as a teacher), but I am gathering enough information before doing so. I really believe that the timing is not good for me to go straight to him.

 

Imagine he and his wife are actually separated or in open relationship. I need to know this otherwise he can easily decide to mess with me and things can get ugly for everyone. Additionally, I prefer first to cross check the story with the other girl because my wife is "unable to remember" some bits, which might be crucial. I will follow-up with another post.

[elaine567]

Sounds like a huge effort. What's the point exactly? I see four key scenarios:

 

1. Your wife was lying to you:

a. You forgive her but knowing always she lied to you. Bad outcome

b. You leave her. Bad outcome

 

2. Your wife was telling you the truth:

a. You forgive her. She's angry with you for not believing her. Bad outcome.

b. You don't forgive her. In which case it didn't matter what your wife said.

 

Where's the upside from all your enquiring?

 

 

I agree.

You already know you have a big wound, but let's just pick and pick and pick at it, pull off any scabs and let it bleed and bleed and bleed...

To what end?

 

 

All these people you are going to ask have their own agenda, they are not obliged to tell you the truth or even speak to you. You are not the FBI.

She is your wife, she is the one who did you wrong, you need to sort it out with her.

[Mr. Lucky]

You are correct that telling someone what to do when cheating occurs is different from actually experiencing it for oneself. However, you have to remember that you are speaking to several members who have been cheated on, and are speaking as former (or even current) betrayed spouses. Your situation is not so unique that people here can't understand because, well, many have been where you are now.

 

 

Beyond that, many of us come also from the realization that, years down the road, we didn't handle our spouse's infidelity correctly or in a manner that gave our marriages or selves the best chance going forward. We rug swept, made excuses and/or accepted less than we should have.

 

In many cases, we are the future talking to you. Not everyone's experience is the same, but there are some simple lessons it seems BS in general have to learn over and over again. Trying to offer you a few shortcuts ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[S2B]

Why not do a polygraph?

 

That way you can see with evidence if your wife really remembers or is leaving things out purposely...

 

You really want to know IF she knows = polygraph!

[bathtub-row]

Why not do a polygraph?

 

That way you can see with evidence if your wife really remembers or is leaving things out purposely...

 

You really want to know IF she knows = polygraph!

 

Hate to say it, but polygraphs are a total waste of time. They tell you nothing except what that person is experiencing in that moment in time. I took a test years ago for a jewelry company I was going to work for. I told the truth and it showed I was lying. The particular question that I was supposedly lying about didn’t impact me not getting the job but, my point is, those things are incredibly inaccurate. If he gets a “lying” result from his wife, he’ll still be no more certain than he was before.

[Doorstopper]

Guys,

 

First of all, many thanks for your input. You are providing me with some objective observations that I hope will help me to continue.

 

Secondly, consider the difficulty of dealing with infidelity when it actually happens to you. It is very different to just reading/hearing other people stories (in fact, it happened to my best friend and I acknowledge that huge difference in perception). This shall explain any incorrect beliefs or making up reasons to defend your cheating partner (i.e. my drug rape theory).

 

 

You are posting your questions in a forum where the majority of us have actually had it happen to us. We have also seen spouses like you come on here and say "my spouse did this and that but that was all". I don't know what the actual stat is but in probably 80 to 90% of the cases, that was not all and a lot more happened. Whether or not your wife did more, may not matter. She clearly did enough to constitute cheating.

 

Pay attention to the advice given here. No one is trying to ruin your marriage. Your wife was sober enough to safely walk home after drinking and smoking and or injecting pot. There is no "horny" drug out there, forget about that nonsense. She did what she did on her own free will, though maybe the alcohol and weed loosened her inhibitions up a bit. These are all problems you need to confront head on. If you rug sweep this mess, it may only be a matter of time before it happens again.

 

BTW, you were a little vague. Did she come in and say this happened? or did you coax it out of her. In other words, if you said nothing , would she have said nothing?

[DKT3]

Hate to say it, but polygraphs are a total waste of time. They tell you nothing except what that person is experiencing in that moment in time. I took a test years ago for a jewelry company I was going to work for. I told the truth and it showed I was lying. The particular question that I was supposedly lying about didn’t impact me not getting the job but, my point is, those things are incredibly inaccurate. If he gets a “lying” result from his wife, he’ll still be no more certain than he was before.

 

Most of the time the way people react to being asked is more telling than the results. Its pretty common for sociopaths to easily pass polygraphs, and nervous people to fail.

 

Usually with wayward spouses controlling information is of the upmost importance, so if lying they will become combative if asked. Those that are better will agree, but will start to leak information in the Hope's that they can satisfy ones search for the truth without giving the more damaging information.

 

Polygraphs are valuable if used properly, thats why there is a term parking lot confession, but yes I agree the actual results are iffy at best..

Edited October 16, 2018 by DKT3

[bigman1]

Wow. What exactly is the point of finding out if the guy and his wife have an open marriage? You don't. What is the point of finding out if her story is true as told? She got high, participated in a threesone, but was not fully invested in it. Everything good now? Grabbed a little penis, kissed, watched, hung around till done and then walked homeward with one of the participants? Are you fine with that? Full on sex, are you fine?

 

Some questions are a sign of indecision. There is jonpurpose except to find out what question cannot be answered satisfactorily and then camp out there.

 

Polygraph are a tool. Do one. You can trust the results or give them light weight. I like to think of it this way, if I told you that you were going in a room with an angry pitbull and you could go in with nothing or you could take a toothpick. What would you do? Ans: take the toothpick, it may have some value as a weapon.

 

Maybe I misread.

[simps0n]

I agree.

You already know you have a big wound, but let's just pick and pick and pick at it, pull off any scabs and let it bleed and bleed and bleed...

To what end?

 

 

All these people you are going to ask have their own agenda, they are not obliged to tell you the truth or even speak to you. You are not the FBI.

She is your wife, she is the one who did you wrong, you need to sort it out with her.

 

If I go down the way of sorting things out with wife, the least I want is to rug sweep anything. Unfortunately, in her story she seems honest and confident only about the things that did not happen. She is unable to remember some details and that is really bothering me. I cannot live with the suspicion that something more may pop up at a later stage. Therefore, if I am to consider anything else than divorce, I am afraid I am left with the only option to cross-check the story with some of the others (or both). In that case I also have to buy their story because, as you say, they may not necessarily tell the truth.

[simps0n]

Polygraph is not an option I am considering yet. I feel I may be not well prepared to ask the correct questions.

[simps0n]

Did she come in and say this happened? or did you coax it out of her. In other words, if you said nothing , would she have said nothing?

 

She confessed on her own a couple of hours after the events. Apart from being a terrible liar, she is unable to keep secrets... She's been going through a severe postpartum depression for months and, if hidden inside her, such a major thing would make her suicidal, seriously.

[Haru-no-yuki]

Polygraph is not an option I am considering yet. I feel I may be not well prepared to ask the correct questions.

 

To make your wife take a polygraph is insane. I can't even fathom what people are thinking suggesting this.

 

Your wife is a free person, at liberty to do what she wants (within the law).

 

Either believe her or don't. If you don't then why bother being with her.

[S2B]

So you may never get the truth. Can you live with that?

 

Do not have sex with her until she has proof she's not pregnant - seriously.

 

 

What is she willing to do to be sure this never happens again? Is she willing to:

 

Stop drinking altogether? She obviously gets drunk

Stop the drugs? She obviously did drugs - out until 4am...

Never attend a party without you? She can't be trusted

 

What sacrifices is she to make to be sure she doesn't do it again?

 

You shouldn't have to police her - she should be OFFERING you things that don't put her at risk again/your marriage at risk.

[bigman1]

She confessed on her own a couple of hours after the events. Apart from being a terrible liar, she is unable to keep secrets... She's been going through a severe postpartum depression for months and, if hidden inside her, such a major thing would make her suicidal, seriously.

 

More excuses for her. Date rape, now post partum. Dude, seriously?! Was she diagnosed and being treated for that by a doctor? Is random drug fueled sexual behavior a symptom of it?

 

Man oh man. If you want to stay with her, stay. Just be honest with yourself and her. Quit making excuses and face the known truth. She had sexual contact in a threesome. It is not a deal breaker for you, it just hurts. Embrace the hurt and move forward. I am not being sarcastic.

 

Once you face the brutal truth, you can make a decision. Absolute truth is not happening, but basic facts are clear. Embrace them. No excuses for her. She was clear thinking before she got high. She made a choice and followed through with it.

[bathtub-row]

I think if this was someone I was dating and they did this, I’d end the relationship with them. However, you’re on a different situation and it’s not so easy to just walk away. I guess my problem is that she did what she did plus she stayed and watched. Very strange. Anyway, I think there’s a good chance she’s not telling you everything. You just have to work through this and then decide if you’ll stay with her. She doesn’t get to use being drunk as an excuse. That only means that she can’t be trusted when she drinks.