frigginlost Posted October 18, 2018 Share Posted October 18, 2018 (edited) I would disagree with you to some extent. Few days ago, I blindly followed my initial thoughts and emotions (based on her story), but now I accept the uncomfortable facts. There is no 'almost', it was not random, it was not pure curiosity. I am fully aware that the 'structure is broken', it has actually been broken long before the cheating. There were a lot of reasons that led to it. I realize that I have neglected and ignored our issues. Without trying to minimize her fault, if I have to be brutally honest, I am even inclined to believe that if it was not her, it might have been easily myself in her shoes right now or in the near future. So even if there is more that she is not sharing, it would not be that difficult to explain the reasons for it. This is a different topic though. You're adding another ring. :-) The big difference here, is that she *did* do it. No inclination to possibly do it. She did it. You're trying to rationalize why she did it, and what was her thinking process. I understand completely why you're doing it. I did the exact same thing, and all who have been cheated on have done it. The bond that held you and your wife together (no matter how tattered the marriage) was cut. The last piece of any communication/trust/rebuild between you two, was obliterated. You're trying to mend that obliteration by having her tell you what took place so you can gain back some of that communication, trust, etc. What you need to realize (and all of us who were cheated on had to) is that right now it simply is not going to happen. She could have come out and told you everything and showed true remorse. Instead she took the route many cheaters do and trickle truthed you. It shows that her ducks are lined up and she is two steps ahead of you. While you chew on a small truth given, she thinks two steps ahead of what your next question will be. Sadly you're months, and months away from knowing anything close to the truth (if at all). Focus on you right now. Focus on how you're going to react to possibly staying with someone who is willing to throw everything away in order to suck a d**k. Edited October 18, 2018 by frigginlost 1 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted October 18, 2018 Share Posted October 18, 2018 You have your head in the sand and are willing to stomach ANY notion instead of what really happened. I wish you luck - this will be a marriage that is swimming against the current because theirs no honesty and no trust. Link to post Share on other sites
Author simps0n Posted October 18, 2018 Author Share Posted October 18, 2018 Guys. Thanks to all of you sharing your thoughts and comments. My decision to put it up with you instead of friend/relative is just because I prefer brutal honesty instead of a false sympathy, beliefs or regret. The days are passing by and I realize trickle truth is not something I can live with. Respect to all of you who managed to handle it. I am planning to leave my home for as long as it takes in the next few days. Until the battle between my heart and mind is over, I feel too weak to take the next step. Please forgive my naivety and inexperience. Enjoy your life. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted October 19, 2018 Share Posted October 19, 2018 Guys. Thanks to all of you sharing your thoughts and comments. My decision to put it up with you instead of friend/relative is just because I prefer brutal honesty instead of a false sympathy, beliefs or regret. The days are passing by and I realize trickle truth is not something I can live with. Respect to all of you who managed to handle it. I am planning to leave my home for as long as it takes in the next few days. Until the battle between my heart and mind is over, I feel too weak to take the next step. Please forgive my naivety and inexperience. Enjoy your life. Keep posting... if you leave the house like you say - you're going to need support. Have you told your wife you're leaving due to lack of honesty? Have you planned to move money into your name only? You need to be taking the actions that both protect you/your future and send her a clear message that giving partial truths isn't enough for you to stay. What else is in your plan? Link to post Share on other sites
Author simps0n Posted October 19, 2018 Author Share Posted October 19, 2018 She knows that I have doubts, I have shared that with her. But I am obviously too weak at the moment and she may be manipulating me. DKT3 said it well, "your wife will own you as far as this situation goes". I think I will tell her I need to leave at the latest possible moment. I think I shall continue going to my daily job. I will also have to leave our kid, so that being said I will be probably willing to get together myself and come back with my decision quite quickly. This means she won't have long time. Meanwhile, if I get to the OM's wife, I will talk to her. I have not decided yet if I am to approach the OM or other girl (or her spouse). Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted October 19, 2018 Share Posted October 19, 2018 I think you’re wrong to wait until the latest moment to tell her you’re leaving. I’m not even sure leaving is the right thing to do because I don’t know if your heart is really in it. What about taking a trip and going off on your own for awhile instead? If you tell her now that you’re contemplating leaving, she may get really scared and start telling you everything. Separation is a very serious thing. I know that what she did is very serious too but if you know that cheating could’ve easily been done by either of you, then there may be a better approach. You marriage has been on the skids for some time. Maybe this is the wake up call it needed. Link to post Share on other sites
Chaparral Posted October 19, 2018 Share Posted October 19, 2018 Just leaving may adversely affect your custody situation. Talk to a lawyer first. This is extremely important. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
standtall Posted October 19, 2018 Share Posted October 19, 2018 Dude, If this is just a power play move, do not leave the marital home, or make some big declaration about it and move stuff out. Her lawyer will paint that as abandoning the family..bad move. Just pack a bag and come and go as you please. If you're really going to divorce her, serve her with papers, and then you owe her no explanation about your whereabouts. Either way do not move out. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted October 19, 2018 Share Posted October 19, 2018 I agree with the others, if you leave be sure that she and someone else in your life knows it's only for some time away and you're not moving out. Ideally, you would ask her to leave for a while. Should you leave because you simply cant stand to be there, make sure you have documentation of daily contact with your children, this will come in handy if down the line there are some custody issues. Link to post Share on other sites
Chaparral Posted October 19, 2018 Share Posted October 19, 2018 Did you ask her if she is willing to take a polygraph? Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted October 19, 2018 Share Posted October 19, 2018 You've given them way too much time to get all their stories together - it's wasting time to ask them now. She should move out - not you. She should be inconvenienced because she caused all of this strife. Or you take a vacation alone... Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted October 20, 2018 Share Posted October 20, 2018 (edited) You now have information that will affect the husband of the cheating wife as well as the betrayed wife or girlfriend of the other man. You need to inform them or you become their accomplice by helping them withhold the information. The institution putting on the program needs to be told about the instructors behavior. They have put you in a very difficult position as if your wife's infidelity wasn't enough to deal with. Do not compromise you standards protecting them. Do not allow your wife to minimize her involvement, she was there, she participated, it was physical. I too believe the reason she told you was because their acts of infidelity were so public that it is very likely that others watched it happen. Your wife is in damage control and it's my experience that cheaters that forget details do so because they know you will probably divorce if you knew how bad the truth was. It is rare that a threesome just happens, it needs approval from everyone involved or the one that disapproves leaves. They don't undress or hang around to watch the sex act. Your having trouble believing her because her story has a ton of holes in it and most people, all of us included, don't believe her story, we have never met her. Just my opinion but a consequence of their infidelity should be exposure, all the betrayed spouses need to know the truth. Your wife needs independent counselling to find out what's broken in her before you spend any money on marriage counselling. Edited October 20, 2018 by aliveagain 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Try Posted October 20, 2018 Share Posted October 20, 2018 (edited) @OP: Your wife and the other 2 people that she participated in the threesome with were not discreet about it. They did it where others could see. This is why your wife had to admit something happened if she wanted to control the narrative and be able to minimize it. In case someone told you, she told you just enough to cover what would be said, but not enough where she thinks you would divorce her. The reason that her story does not ring true is because it is not true. You know this in your gut. That is why you keep asking her to tell you the full truth. A famous con man once said that you can get anyone to believe the unbelievable as long as they want to believe. You want to believe that nothing more happened, and your wife is using that to con you. The longer you take to take real action to find out the truth, the less likely you will be able to uncover the truth. Without telling anyone first, talk to the other man’s (OM) wife today. You might find out more information from her, if not now then later after she has a chance to dig. I cannot tell you how many times this has happened on threads in the Infidelity section of this site, with the cheated on spouse almost always resisting at first contacting them. Almost all cheaters tell their spouse not to contact the spouse of the person they cheated with, as if you have no right to interfere with the OM’s marriage after he interfered with yours. This logic assumes that the OM interfering in your marriage does not matter because you do not matter. If the other man gets to cheat with your wife, you at least get to talk about to his wife; it is insulting for your cheating wife to try to say otherwise. Edited October 20, 2018 by Try Link to post Share on other sites
Bryanp Posted October 20, 2018 Share Posted October 20, 2018 If the roles were reversed, would your wife be acting so passive and accepting as you? She is lying and she totally and blatantly disrespected you in the worst way. If you do not respect yourself, then who will? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Guildford Posted October 20, 2018 Share Posted October 20, 2018 I would advise against telling the OM's wife, the husband of the other lady who participated or the company that runs the class. You have no proof of what happened except for what your wife told you. You could be sued for liable. Your only issue is do you want to divorce your wife, or work out a new arrangement with her; the old one is no longer working. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted October 20, 2018 Share Posted October 20, 2018 I would advise against telling the OM's wife, the husband of the other lady who participated or the company that runs the class. You have no proof of what happened except for what your wife told you. You could be sued for liable. Your only issue is do you want to divorce your wife, or work out a new arrangement with her; the old one is no longer working. At last, someone talking sense. Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted October 21, 2018 Share Posted October 21, 2018 If the roles were reversed, would your wife be acting so passive and accepting as you? She is lying and she totally and blatantly disrespected you in the worst way. If you do not respect yourself, then who will? There's obviously no standards within this marriage... she does what she wants and presents it like she's the victim and he swallows all his pride to stay anyway. OP - expect more of the same. She's had no consequences that cause her to think twice next time - so there will be a next time. She just never tells you the whole truth. Link to post Share on other sites
Jamess1 Posted October 21, 2018 Share Posted October 21, 2018 Read your response, and I get it why your wife cheated on you.. Link to post Share on other sites
Try Posted October 21, 2018 Share Posted October 21, 2018 I would advise against telling the OM's wife, the husband of the other lady who participated or the company that runs the class. You have no proof of what happened except for what your wife told you. You could be sued for liable. Your only issue is do you want to divorce your wife, or work out a new arrangement with her; the old one is no longer working.You cannot be sued for liable for telling the other man’s wife, or for tell the husband of the lady that participated what your wife told you. Perhaps there could be issues with telling the school, but that is it. Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted October 21, 2018 Share Posted October 21, 2018 I believe he was intending to ask about what happened... not necessarily state things as facts - that way he may gain more info... But wait, probably not - because too much time has passed and they got their stories straight for him. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted October 21, 2018 Share Posted October 21, 2018 I believe he was intending to ask about what happened... not necessarily state things as facts - that way he may gain more info... But wait, probably not - because too much time has passed and they got their stories straight for him. They are all married, they probably got their stories straight that night. The truth is all well and good but breaking up families for "revenge" doesn't sound right to me. The OP knows she had MFF threesome, he needs to sort that out with his wife, not meddle in other people's business 3 Link to post Share on other sites
standtall Posted October 21, 2018 Share Posted October 21, 2018 OP, There are no professional counselors, no ethics standards,etc. on this forum. There a lot of posters telling you to blow everything up with the other people...something like you're an accomplice (laughable) tell the truth no matter who it destroys etc....beware. I would stick to my own business first, then decide if it needs to go farther. Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted October 21, 2018 Share Posted October 21, 2018 (edited) Friend, you will get all kinds of advice on this and other similar sites. Most of those responding to you are just regular people, regular people who in most cases have gone through what you are going through now. Some of us are just a little further along the path and are trying to help you so you don't make the same mistakes we did. Your goal should be to get yourself out of infidelity as quickly as possible and to survive it in a way that is best for you. There will always be someone telling you not to expose the infidelity, perhaps that worked for them(they might even be the one that cheated in their relationship) but if you read enough or post enough you will soon find that exposure is one of the best ways of ending infidelity specially when you suspect your spouse is still withholding truth's from you. How can you reconcile or forgive someone if you don't know what your forgiving? You probably wouldn't be on this site with thousands of other people asking our opinions if you believed you had all the truth. Doing nothing is the worst thing you can do because your just setting yourself up for more future hurt and pain. That man should not be allowed to stay in a position of trust teaching other wives, it might be one of our spouses in his next design class. The onus is is on your wife to prove to your satisfaction what is true and what her involvement was. You telling his wife or the other betrayed husband isn't going to destroy their marriage, him having sex with other men's wives will(specially in such a public way). He's not your real problem, your wife is. The very first thing you should do is talk to a lawyer, find out your rights because you still don't know how this is all going to turn out. This is now all about you. What would you think of someone that knew your wife had a threesome but didn't tell you about it? Well that's what the other betrayed husband and wife will think of you for keeping the secret from them. It's the right thing to do. Edited October 21, 2018 by aliveagain Link to post Share on other sites
Try Posted October 21, 2018 Share Posted October 21, 2018 (edited) They are all married, they probably got their stories straight that night. The truth is all well and good but breaking up families for "revenge" doesn't sound right to me. The OP knows she had MFF threesome, he needs to sort that out with his wife, not meddle in other people's business Although the cheaters may or may have not got their stories straight, it is doubtful the other non cheating spouses are in on covering up the affair, thus whatever story they told them may not match all that the OP was told. Also, finding out what happened is not revenge or meddling, is doing what is needed in order for the OP to make a fact based decision about the OP’s life. Additionally, if the other man (OP) is having threesomes with students, then the OM’s wife deserves to know so that she can make an informed decision about her own life. It is the right and decent thing to do. I do not buy into protecting a cheaters right to cheat behind their spouse’s back because it is none of the OP’s business. The cheater made it the OP’s business the minute the cheater cheated with the OP’s wife. Edited October 21, 2018 by Try 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Chaparral Posted October 22, 2018 Share Posted October 22, 2018 You can not be sued for liable if you believe what you are saying is the truth. Liable is telling something you do not believe is the truth. Link to post Share on other sites
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