simps0n Posted October 16, 2014 Share Posted October 16, 2014 (edited) My best friend met this girl in their last year of college and they had a relationship for almost 3 years. They looked like the perfect couple. She is very good looking lady, in her late 20's. Very sociable and positive person. Basically, everyone likes her. He is a bit more closed person, but also good looking and relatively successful with women. After dating for several months, they started living together. Both of them had few relationships prior, so it wasn't their first love. It did not begin as a fairytale love story either, but they loved each other and seemed happy. According to him, they did not have any major problems. He was even planning to ask her to marry him next month. Then the most unexpected thing happened. He found out that she was cheating on him. Everyone was shocked - family, friends and top of all, himself. She had an affair with a colleague from her office and slept with him while my friend was out of town on business. Now she claims he did not treat her very well, something she never told him before the break-up. She says that this is the biggest mistake in her life and asks for another chance. He is absolutely devastated and confused. He lost a lot of weight and I am worried about his health. He does not know what to do. Everyone is telling him to get her out of his life, but he continues to meet & talk to her. They even went to a psychologist together. I know he wants to try to forgive her, but it's really hard for him. My friend is seeking for an advice. I told him it's easy to forgive, but it will be very hard to live with this in the future. I gave him advice not to communicate with her for a while (weeks, months), think and maybe, only maybe, try again after certain period of time, if he is really into this woman. Unfortunately, he is too weak to do this -- he is seeing her. I am now not sure what to tell him. Shall I stick to my previous advice? Or maybe encourage him to continue doing what he is doing? Edited October 16, 2014 by simps0n Link to post Share on other sites
loversquarrel Posted October 16, 2014 Share Posted October 16, 2014 You can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink.... 3 Link to post Share on other sites
mammasita Posted October 16, 2014 Share Posted October 16, 2014 Absolute deal breaker. Nothing will ever be the same....EVER. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Natsu21 Posted October 16, 2014 Share Posted October 16, 2014 (edited) My ex cheated on me for months. She lied through her teeth constantly, letting me believe I was the crazy one, that I never treated her well, that I neglected and never listened to her. What she NEVER told me what that she was into another guy. Then she dumps me for said guy. Says that I should have taken the hint, as if I was a mind reader. After a year of it happening, I forgave her. Remember this, OP. Just because you FORGIVE someone, doesn't mean you forget. I no longer hold the grudge, but she can no longer be my friend nor my lover at any instance. In my book, when you burn a bridge, it stays burned. Edited October 16, 2014 by Natsu21 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BC1980 Posted October 16, 2014 Share Posted October 16, 2014 I told him it's easy to forgive, but it will be very hard to live with this in the future. It's usually pretty difficult to forgive, and it's very complicated. I know that for me, I wasn't even interested in forgiveness for at least a year after my breakup. I wasn't cheated on but felt betrayed in several other ways. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
AieshaR Posted October 17, 2014 Share Posted October 17, 2014 Okay, this sounds familiar to what I went through. My ex cheated on me but my mistake was that I went back and nothing was ever the same. I had NO trust in him what so ever! I questioned everything he did, everyone he spoke to, everywhere he went. It ate me up so much. Your friend needs to let go, he needs to detach himself from her and move the hell on! Once a cheater, always a cheater and no one should ever live with that. Even if she doesn't cheat again for example, it will always be at the back of his mind and he doesn't need that kind of emotional torture! There are women out there that will love him unconditionally and treat him with so much respect. He just needs to heal first and that's not gonna help if he's going to keep seeing her! Move on mate, there are bigger and better things ahead!! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
mightycpa Posted October 17, 2014 Share Posted October 17, 2014 Tell him to get the word WELCOME tatooed on his chest, to remind himself what a doormat looks like. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Haerts Posted October 17, 2014 Share Posted October 17, 2014 I completely agree with AieshaR. Trust is hard to build, but once you destroy it, it's destroyed. My ex didn't cheat on me, at least I believe so, but he'd been lying about other things and honestly I had enough. The main reason why I broke up is: even if he did his best to keep me, I wouldn't be able to trust anymore. He'd have to tell me everything he's doing and even then, how could I be sure he wasn't lying again? The same applies to your friend. He needs to realize that if she cheated on him, it's because she didn't love him enough. She knows she committed a mistake. Now let her live with that mistake on her own. While it's okay to feel sad, he should also see the things in a positive manner. It's horrible, but staying in contact with her is not going to help at all. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author simps0n Posted October 17, 2014 Author Share Posted October 17, 2014 The thing is I just do not believe that they can restore their normal and stable relationship. I know he wants to hear its not over, but I am unable to convince myself of this. I would be surprised if someone of you guys have a similar story with a happy end. I think it would be best to be sincere and straightforward and tell him to leave her. Link to post Share on other sites
Xiane Posted October 17, 2014 Share Posted October 17, 2014 tell him to forgive her, but that is that. move on. he deserves someone who will truly cherish him and stay faithful to him no matter what will happen. it's hard to use a mirror with a broken shattered glass. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Toodaloo Posted October 17, 2014 Share Posted October 17, 2014 The key thing to ask is do they BOTH want it to work? My ex cheated on me. I should have dumped his sorry arse right there and then as I was just a comfort blanket to him and the reason why he cheated was that he actually didn't give two hoots about me and was looking for someone else. My friends partner cheated on her. He even left for the new woman for 24 hours. But the big difference is that he wanted to be at home. The reasons behind the affair were nothing to do with him wanting to leave or her being anything less or more than he wanted. So the question your friend needs answered first is Why did she do it and Does she want to be with him. Those need to be answered before you can advise. The grass is always greener until you take a bite and its shockingly easy to get yourself into an awkward situation when you have encouragement from the wrong place! But its a mistake. The grass is greener when you are unhappy and want out. So it looked perfect but I very much doubt it was... relationships never are. The ones that stand the test of time rarely have two dreamy participants... They have to participants who sometimes hate each other but care enough to move on. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted October 17, 2014 Share Posted October 17, 2014 It's entirely up to him. Some couples can get through this. Most can't. All you can do is assure him you will be his friend no matter what. Then keep your mouth shut & pick up the pieces without saying I told you so when it all falls apart again. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Michelle ma Belle Posted October 17, 2014 Share Posted October 17, 2014 Nothing more I can add here that hasn't already been said. Your job as a friend is to be there for him regardless if he chooses to forgive this woman or not. Having said that, it's hard to remain steadfast when you can see the writing on the wall before your friend does and/or they continually repeat the same mistakes over and over and over again. It's hard NOT to get frustrated with them at some point but at the end of the day, it's their life to live. As for me, betrayal is an absolute deal breaker. I have ZERO tolerance. Once you lose my trust, you lose me. Period. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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