Weird Coincidences?

[FMW]

If you're going to try to work things out you have to start from today and move forward.

 

He showed bad judgment talking to a stranger about his marriage, and because they had said more to each other then hello they shared a smile. If you really are going to try and work on things you can't go off the rails about something like this. The sooner you start acting like adults with each other the sooner you'll get past these incidences.

 

I don't think you're committed to working things out, I think you just don't want to go through the upheaval and uncertainty of divorce.

[ginamistros10]

I do want it to work. I do love him. I actually did some soul searching last week and saw the issues I caused: neglected him for months, carried things too far, etc. I poured my heart out to him that I love him & want to keep trying. I do think he has fault in this as well. He was also neglecting me and carrying on like my feelings didn’t matter, & had one foot in/one out since starting the job. I do still feel a tiny bit uneasy about what goes on at his office, but have decided to live and enjoy life instead of looking over my shoulder. I did warn him no more game playing. I told him I wasn’t going to continue to play the forgive and forget game either. I established my boundaries and he knows what happens should he cross them. I finally got my name put on the LLC (should’ve been on it long ago). I also plan to continue working on job certifications, etc. to become more self sufficient should a stunt like this come in the future.

[ginamistros10]

Also- he goes out of town 4 days next week for a business trip. It’s a bit soon as we really need a lot of time together to mend things, but out of our control. When he comes back we will begin seeing a counselor. My husband doesn’t want any of these issues brought up to in counseling (lunch thing, storage unit, etc). He thinks we will just argue about these because we both have different perspectives on it. (He thinks since he had no bad intentions & it was an innocent lunch that he didn’t do any wrong). He also sees his storage locker rental as a protective move since I threatened to clean his clock if he was messing around. Yesterday after work, he went by the storage unit for 15 min without my knowledge (I saw on gps history). I got upset he didn’t tell me and asked him why he needed to go by there. He said he accidentally put our sons social security card in there originally and he wanted to bring it back home. So today, I brought to his attention that he was still being secretive. He apologized. So today, he and I went to get everything out and he cancelled the lease. The storage unit contents were paperwork for his family business that he owns with his brother and also old videos of our kids.

[merrmeade]

I do want it to work. I do love him. I actually did some soul searching last week and saw the issues I caused: neglected him for months, carried things too far, etc. I poured my heart out to him that I love him & want to keep trying. I do think he has fault in this as well. He was also neglecting me and carrying on like my feelings didn’t matter, & had one foot in/one out since starting the job. I do still feel a tiny bit uneasy about what goes on at his office, but have decided to live and enjoy life instead of looking over my shoulder. I did warn him no more game playing. I told him I wasn’t going to continue to play the forgive and forget game either. I established my boundaries and he knows what happens should he cross them. I finally got my name put on the LLC (should’ve been on it long ago). I also plan to continue working on job certifications, etc. to become more self sufficient should a stunt like this come in the future.

It is also important you work out your boundaries and why.

 

For example, you felt uncomfortable enough to mention it here that he (a) shared a smile with another woman (the storage unit lady) that conveyed they shared privileged, personal information that excluded you and (b) worse, he explained that he had confided in her about problems between you and him! That's not just a lack of judgment. That's a kind of betrayal of his loyalty to you and the marriage. You must understand that that is why it bothered you. So do you need to articulate to him that this is out of bounds and why?

 

If you're going to do what you say, then why don't you both list what your limits are. Name what is going too far and why. You made want to research this.

[Just a Guy]

Hi S2B, I guess Gina still loves her husband enough to give him a second chance. Let us not discourage her from that. Warm wishes.

[FMW]

I think counseling is a really good idea. But he doesn't get to decide what you discuss. He doesn't get to make a list of topics that are off limits.

 

I wish you the best, I hope counseling helps.

[cdjudd]

I can understand that you are feeling insecure and that is normal because everyone is insecure in one form or another. The thing to ask yourself is, are you being reasonable or just feeling this way out of your insecurity? It is human nature for people to struggle with relinquishing control but it is a must in a relationship, especially with having teenage children. Now, in saying that, he should not be bad-mouthing you to your children, that is common sense and simply not acceptable.

 

 

 

However, when it comes down to it, he is going to do whatever he wants to do. Whether he tells you he will quit these behaviors or he doesn't and defends them, you have no control there. It is a hard reality to face but the fact is we cannot stop people from doing things we do not like, we just have to find the courage and acceptance that we cannot control them and their behavior. Your husband will end up doing what he wants and it has nothing to do with you, it is solely an issue with him when it comes down to engaging in those behaviors. Be the bigger person and show your children what loyalty is in a relationship until he gives you a solid reason that you just aren't willing to work with. I know this isn't ideal but it is life and life just sucks some time. Go out and keep yourself occupied and do things for yourself and your kids. Maybe even do some charitable acts, as those seem to really help build confidence and security within yourself. Best of luck!!

[YoungCandy]

I am seeing this from the opposite of you. I am in a similar situation of your husband and my wife is like yours. Sex has been a big issue for us as I have a much higher drive than her. I complained her being indifferent and lack of desire. She said the exact same lines as you (and I am quoting directly here) "nothing is enough for you", "you will never be satisfied." Our case is much more complicated as we both cheated on each other before, but that's not the point. We're still together trying to work things out and to be honest, more often than not it does feel there is no way out.

 

This is part of the mid-life crisis. Regardless you'd find out he is actually cheating or not, sex addition or not, the issue is much deeper and very common among married couples. There's not enough connection between you two and marriage has become so bored that typically men want to find something to "spices things up" before he feels he is too old to do anything wrong. As silly as it sounds, this is because men have an average mental age of nine. You cannot change his behaviours, but you can change yours. Instead of trying to get to the bottom of this (which would not be very helpful to mend your marriage anyway), I agree with some posters said before that you should go out your own way and do something enjoyable and fulfilling. You have to be able to love yourself before you can love others, or to fall in love with anyone else in general. I think this the best thing you can do. When you are more confident and self-assertive, he should find you attractive and wants to be with you again. In case if he doesn't, someone else will. At that point, it would just be a logical decision to make.

Edited November 26, 2018 by YoungCandy

[Just a Guy]

Hi Gina, it's been sometime since you last posted. Have there been any new developments? Has the counselling helped? Is your husband more attentive to your needs and do the two of you get along better without suspicion on either side of the equation? Would be happy for an update. Somehow, in having read through your posts and reflected on your responses to the posts of others, I get the feeling that it is not all your husband's fault and that you have been equally complicit in bringing things to the pass at which you found yourself last month. It is going to take a concerted joint effort on both your parts to bring things to an even keel. Wish you the best.