Weird Coincidences?

[pepperbird]

If nothing else, you really need to find out if he's having an affair or using the services of a prostitute. This a health issue. You have kids who need you to be in top form, and you can't do that if you are worried your hubby is out with other women and bringing home who knows what.

[pepperbird]

Well I guess you are the low drive partner... and the therapist sides with you...

 

First of all, no therapist should ever say how much is too little or too much, with in certain parameters. Like no sex is to little, and 10 times a day may be too much.

 

But for a therapist to say that once a week is plenty, that makes them a loon. How can they say that. Just to side with the low drive partner?

 

A therapist should never take either side, they should encourage open and frank communication about sex in general, frequency and style if the partners have varying or different tastes.

 

For any therapist to say that make that therapist a fool. They have no understanding of relationships or sex.

 

I am a high drive guy, and I like sex every say, once a week would mean a divorce for me. There is room for compromise but not to once a week or in OP's case once every 10 days.

 

You need to find a new therapist...

 

 

op,

if you both found the therapist helpful, then that's what matters.

 

 

I think you saying the therapist thought your spouse had a mild sex addiction was based not on the frequency of sex he has with you but on his other behaviors. It's not he sex in and of itself that's the issue, it's the sneaking and going behind your back that is.

[BluesPower]

op,

if you both found the therapist helpful, then that's what matters.

 

I think you saying the therapist thought your spouse had a mild sex addiction was based not on the frequency of sex he has with you but on his other behaviors. It's not he sex in and of itself that's the issue, it's the sneaking and going behind your back that is.

 

If you would have seen who I quoted... you would have seen that I was responding to @Iris17, and not OP.

 

However, I have yet to find more than a handful of marital therapist that are worth their salt.

 

And what I wrote in that post to Iris17 is completely true IMHO. That is not the way that couples therapy is suppose to work.

 

But while we are on the subject, I believe that OP's therapist if off base as well.

 

If her H is actually cheating with hookers, that is one thing. But to say that he has a "mild" sex addiction because he wants sex 3 or so times a week is just silly.

 

If a therapist gives silly or erroneous advice it is time to find an new one...

[pepperbird]

If you would have seen who I quoted... you would have seen that I was responding to @Iris17, and not OP.

 

However, I have yet to find more than a handful of marital therapist that are worth their salt.

 

And what I wrote in that post to Iris17 is completely true IMHO. That is not the way that couples therapy is suppose to work.

 

But while we are on the subject, I believe that OP's therapist if off base as well.

 

If her H is actually cheating with hookers, that is one thing. But to say that he has a "mild" sex addiction because he wants sex 3 or so times a week is just silly.

 

If a therapist gives silly or erroneous advice it is time to find an new one...

 

 

I based my response on the other posts of the op. It sounds like his issues happened even thought hey were having lot of sex ( as per her most recent postings) and even had a trunk with at least 100 sex toys in it that they would use. She also indicates her husband likes to call her a "@itch" when they have sex, views porn every day and received a call from a sex worker.

 

 

 

In fact, this is what she wrote "Also he was never satisfied sexually. Believe me- there was no boring vanilla sex here. We did everything. Yet he was always wanting something different. He would frequently go to adult stores buying all kinds of toys. He had a huge 5 ft x 3 ft trunk with lock in our room to store all the toys we had (I estimate we had 100 toys at one time). I also found him reading sex letters online as well - topics about men dressing as women and having sex like one , threesomes, etc. He always felt the need to spice it up...was never satisfied. This is why me and his therapist thought he was a hyper sexual. " . This hardly sounds like he was sexually deprived.

 

 

It also indicates that she tried to talk to him about her feelings, but he didn't listen. At that point, I'm not surprised she became a lot less interested in sex with him. When that happened, he had some choices. He could have talked to the op and actually listened to her. They could have worked together to find a way forward that worked well for both of them. Instead, he's out looking around for greener pastures, and if he is cheating, that's 100 percent on him.

[DKT3]

op,

if you both found the therapist helpful, then that's what matters.

 

 

I think you saying the therapist thought your spouse had a mild sex addiction was based not on the frequency of sex he has with you but on his other behaviors. It's not he sex in and of itself that's the issue, it's the sneaking and going behind your back that is.

 

I strongly disagree, kinky or looking to spice things up doesn't equal sex addict no matter how kinky.

 

So basically this therapist is saying anyone who uses sex toys, role play or even swinging is a sex addict. That is about as flawed as therapy can be.

[pepperbird]

OP,

if your hubby is out cheating ( and I am not saying for sure he is) then it's on him. All this trying to blame you for his actions is bunk. If he felt like he wasn't getting enough at home, he had other alternatives, and he chose not to exercise them. Instead, it sounds like he chose to see what he might be able to line up at work, and that is on him.

 

 

 

If you don't mind me asking, why did you two start seeing a therapist in the first place? Was it about sex or your relationship in general?

[ginamistros10]

He actually had a few sessions with the therapist by himself to discuss his sexual patterns, childhood, etc. The therapist told him he had a “bent” towards quantity of sex vs quality. He told him he needed to find non sexual hobbies to keep him busy and non bored with life- I think the therapist thought he was using sex to pacify himself when stressed, bored, tired. He has always been more hor*y when he is tired. He has some childhood sex issues. His father caught him mastur****** as a teen and scolded him & told him to put it away.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Hi Gina. No one addressed the specifics of your original quote so I will give you my opinion. As someone with a spotty past, I validate your reasoning that he went to lunch with the straight Jennifer and picked a random person in his office also named Jennifer, who probably is gay, so in the event you questioned him, his story would hold water. Most people who are expert liars mix a bit of the truth in with their lies.

 

I also do not buy that the prostitute was a random mistake. Of course random missed calls happen but it seems in line with his sexual history. I'm sorry everyone is saying if you did this or that sexually, this would not be happening. It sounds like you husband has serious sexual fetishes and appetites and it is your total right to not want to participate in them after a while. It sounds like you gave it a good try.

 

I can't tell if he is really having an affair with pregnant Jennifer. Surely, these things do happen and if he is freaky, maybe the pregnant thing turns him on. So it could be a big fixation or an actual affair. As others said, stop telling him when you discover things. That being said, I think him calling a divorce lawyer several times is a really bad sign. I think you should stop worrying so much about what he is doing and start taking care of yourself and your future. Maybe you should see a lawyer of your own and see what they suggest. You do not want to be blindsighted by what happens next.

[ginamistros10]

Thanks MidnightBlue1980! Finally someone who understands. Yes I have jumped thru hoops sexually for this man! I finally started to realize- what does he do for me sexually? He was never “making love”. It was all robotic. In my opinion, anybody can have robotic porn style sex. I was looking for more of an intimate connection. To look into your partners eyes and make a connection during the act. I started realizing that years of porn use changed him into a person who is detached from emotion. This is why it hurts so bad that he could potentially be having an affair. It’s kind of like having a nice mountain bike that you wear out and mistreat. It’s still a great bike but just needs some care and it would be back to new. Instead, he goes and gets a brand new bike. Of course the new bike is better. But eventually he will wear it out too. Also about the pregnant coworker- anyone thought the baby just might be his and not her husbands?

[preraph]

If he was having lunch with a married lesbian, then yes, he would be exasperated with your suspicions. No one wants to live like that, under constant monitoring. So if he's innocent, of course he doesn't appreciate your lack of trust and constant harping on him and invading privacy.

 

If he is guilty, then he is simply to the point where if he can't do what he wants, he's ready to bail. Either way, he's kind of ready to bail. If he is a cheater, he'll want to either stay single or be married to a mild woman who will not question him.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Thanks MidnightBlue1980! Finally someone who understands. Yes I have jumped thru hoops sexually for this man! I finally started to realize- what does he do for me sexually? He was never “making love”. It was all robotic. In my opinion, anybody can have robotic porn style sex. I was looking for more of an intimate connection. To look into your partners eyes and make a connection during the act. I started realizing that years of porn use changed him into a person who is detached from emotion. This is why it hurts so bad that he could potentially be having an affair. It’s kind of like having a nice mountain bike that you wear out and mistreat. It’s still a great bike but just needs some care and it would be back to new. Instead, he goes and gets a brand new bike. Of course the new bike is better. But eventually he will wear it out too. Also about the pregnant coworker- anyone thought the baby just might be his and not her husbands?

 

Of course, there are several cases like that on the OW board, reverse of course. But a few things - women generally are not good with leading double lives, carrying the other man's baby, most would leave the marriage. It's all single women carrying a MM's baby. So that makes it unlikely. Plus your H seems like he is looking for the rush and thrill. I did not get the feeling that he is looking for another serious relationship in which one would have a baby, etc.

 

But it's odd, I will give you that. I'm sorry, you obviously seem very hurt. I still think it's a big move he was seeing a lawyer. I don't know where you live but you don't know what is coming next and I think you should be aware of your options.

[ginamistros10]

I totally agree. I’m starting to wonder if he’s bipolar. He has ruined his relationship with our teen daughter who thinks he’s weird. She’s written him off for his unstable behavior. She cries and tells me she can’t keep going back and forth. In the span of one week, he has said he’s done one day, then the next day says he’s sorry and wants to work on it. The next day, he came home from work in a foul mood and we had a dumb argument over where to eat dinner. He stormed off and turned off his phone (2nd time in a week where he turned it off so I couldn’t contact him). An hour later he calls from the grocery store and asks me if I need anything from the store. When I ask him why he felt the need to bl Ck me (concerned in the event one of the kids have an emergency or our car breaks down, etc). He says he’s sorry but he did not want to talk and maybe he shouldn’t have done that. I told him it’s very immature. Meanwhile I took our daughter out to eat. Later that night, I thought you know what- this bast*** is acting weird so I’m taking a look at his GPS locations on his phone to see what he was up to. Lo and behold, he did go to the store AFTER he rode by some apartments near our house. I asked him a few days later if he’d been apartment shopping lately. He looked weird and said he got mad that night and rode by the church to say a prayer in the parking lot of the church and then rode by an apt complex beside the church (his 2nd visit to this apt complex in a week). He was there for only 8 minutes but the last time he was there 40 min.

[ginamistros10]

He says he has looked into those apartments in case he needed to live somewhere else. I get it- I actually looked at some too a month ago during a huge meltdown and e had that lasted a few weeks where we almost separated. But to keep doing this behavior after you tell me you want to work on it (his decision by the way- I asked him to do what he wants). I honestly am done playing these mind games. My cousin swears he is trying to push me away. My cousin thinks there is a OW and my husbands moodiness is based off whether this woman is available or not. In other words, during the summer when he was hellbent that our relationship was done, my cousin thinks the OW gave him an ultimatum. He was torn on what to do- which might be why heÂ’s so back & forth. Now all of a sudden, heÂ’s trying to make things work with me. He did come home last Friday and told me he went to lunch with lesbian Jennifer again but it was a group of 4-5 people with them. I was not thrilled but told him I appreciated his honesty.

[DKT3]

Read your thread I'm getting this picture of an angelic woman who has spent the term of a marriage doing her best to please a mentally unbalanced sexually deviant man. I have to ask, do you believe any part of this is a result of your behavior and how you communicate/ interact with your husband?

[Just a Guy]

Hi Gina, I am really sorry but from all that you have written it seems to me that you, too, are by now almost checked out of your marriage. Apparently there is nothing left for you to hold on to and it does not seem that you are the kind to do the ' Nice Gal' act to try and win your husband back. He of course, from everything that you have written, seems to be on the fence and tetering towards abandoning you any day when the stars align for him. If that be the case then maybe you should become proactive and pull the plug on this sham marriage which is having such a bad effect on both you and your kids. Your situation reminds me of the song "Blue eyes crying in the rain" especially the line which says ' Love is like a dying ember, only memories remain'!

 

If you are still some time away from taking a decision then at least you should prepare your self for the worst by getting your ducks in a row and lining things up so that if it comes to a D then you can move seamlessly to proceed with a divorce and everything related to it. You have tough times ahead of you but I think you have the mental strength to weather the coming storm. Best of luck and cheers!

Edited September 8, 2018 by Just a Guy

[ginamistros10]

Hi Gina, I am really sorry but from all that you have written it seems to me that you, too, are by now almost checked out of your marriage. Apparently there is nothing left for you to hold on to and it does not seem that you are the kind to do the ' Nice Gal' act to try and win your husband back. He of course, from everything that you have written, seems to be on the fence and tetering towards abandoning you any day when the stars align for him. If that be the case then maybe you should become proactive and pull the plug on this sham marriage which is having such a bad effect on both you and your kids. Your situation reminds me of the song "Blue eyes crying in the rain" especially the line which says ' Love is like a dying ember, only memories remain'!

 

If you are still some time away from taking a decision then at least you should prepare your self for the worst by getting your ducks in a row and lining things up so that if it comes to a D then you can move seamlessly to proceed with a divorce and everything related to it. You have tough times ahead of you but I think you have the mental strength to weather the coming storm. Best of luck and cheers!

Hello Just A Guy. Thanks for the advice. Where do u think it all went wrong? Do u think it was when he started his new job and saw greener pastures? I would never in a million years would’ve thought it would come to this. I thought we were forever. This is a guy who took his vows seriously and took marriage seriously. We were so great together then. I’m not sure how to fix things when someone is so bored & never content with what he has. This is a very sad situation. Just wish I had answers and reason for all of this.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Gina, I would think that his taking up a job and being exposed to greener pastures as you put it may have been the trigger for him to go off the tracks. Some one mentioned mid life crisis. That seems to be the go yo term for when someone starts acting in ways which contrast sharply with their previous behaviour. Your husband certainly fits the bill here. I do not know exactly what a mid life crisis implies in terms of why it causes a personality change in a person bit the important thing is that it has caused such a change in your husband. You mentioned bipolar disorder. That too, may be a contributing factor. In my opinion if you still have some hope for retrieving your marriage your husband may need to see a psychiatrist to analyse and diagnose his psychological health. I think counsellors whether individual or the marriage type may just not be qualified to grapple with your husband's problems.

 

On another note I wanted to ask you if you have spelt out any consequences for your husband's behaviour? Have you mentioned the D word in case things do not improve? Of course this should not be an idle threat and if and when you do use it, you should be fully prepared to go through with it should he fail to pull up his socks. This would mean that you would have to have your affairs arranged properly and have consulted a lawyer about your rights and the pros and cons of your situation. You had mentioned that you and your husband owned an accounting business together. How is that going? If it has picked up again would your husband be interested in joining in again? I guess you have a lot on your plate. Others with more experience in legal matters may be able to give you more pertinent advice on how yo handle things. As ever, I wish you the best going forward. Cheers.

[ginamistros10]

Hello JustAGuy: We certainly agree regarding the midlife crisis. It most likely was brought on by being on a team with people in their late twenties. I’m sure it isn’t easy trying to fit in. I also feel it could be either of the Jennifers or even a woman I’ve yet discovered. I have discussed the D with him. When he began threatening me with the D word back six months ago, I was not mentally prepared for it. I was blindsided. Now I have actually been considering it if he does not stabilize. About 3 weeks ago, during one of his tirades, I decided I’d had enough and made us an appt with a divorce attorney. He spent the next 2 days pleading with me to change my mind. Then at the end of the conversation, he threatened me by saying if I ever brought up his coworkers again, we’d have to be over and done. Ha-funny I thought. We’re playing a game here. A game of who is going to pull the plug on the marriage first. I of course did not promise I would stop discussing them because if we get into a tiff again and I think it is relevant, I will say what I want. When it came time to go to the attorney, my oldest child was sick that day and we had to cancel the appt. He spent the next few days being helpful around the house, more loving, kind, etc.

[DavidJoseph]

In my opinion, given your station in life (long-married with teenage kids), your sex life pre-problems, was above average in frequency and focus. A lot of the focus here has been on sex, largely because your husband does seem to have a (much?) greater-than-usual focus on it.

 

But here is my outlook. You had a long marriage, and it was stable. You were happy with it, and your husband seemed to be happy enough. Still, even before your relative recent changes and problems, there were small but definite signs, red flags, that something was wrong. You questioned it, but ultimately let it go and moved on. Now, at this juncture, those original signs that you may have somewhat forgotten, now are coming back and making you question. You want to know WHY, and your husband is not telling you.

 

Think about that. You want to know WHY, and your husband will not communicate it with you. We all have secret thoughts we don't share, but in a marriage both spouses want to maintain and improve, to flourish, we communicate important aspects.

 

So what it tells me is at some point your husband mentally left the marriage. He may be one foot in and one foot out, or maybe he is completely out. Maybe he is confused and can't decide. Maybe he waffles back and forth. Or maybe is both feet out and is just biding his time, preparing for his next life without you in the meantime. I really don't know you can find that out unless he comes clean and gifts you with some honesty. Or eventually you may find out as time progresses.

 

I will throw a few things out to consider, in no particular importance.

 

First, the signs you've posted from BEFORE all this recent mess:

(I don't believe in coincidences in infidelity.)

1. His preoccupation for sex in general and variety of new types of sex in particular. Wanting to re-enact with you to exact detail the porn scenes he's watched on the internet. 100s of toys. Admitting only after you repeatedly question that he watched porn every single day both at home (at 11 pm) and at work. There are some scenes - group sex, cheating sex, etc. -that he cannot re-enact with you alone.

2. His wanting you NOT to go to the office so he can be alone

3. On the same day when you discover a text on his phone from a back-page prostitute.

 

I think these were the tips of the iceberg. You were not thinking anything was wrong, so you didn't dig too much, and you let him go with his pathetic excuses. Your long marriage imputed some trust that at this point was misplaced. He earned trust, at this point, he was starting to spend that trust.

 

I do believe there is such a thing as sexual addiction, just like any more openly discussed vices, like gambling, drinking, drugs. If you are talking about addiction, I think you know that junkies are willing to risk a whole lot to get their fixes. Junkies may be willing to exit their relationships in order to remain in their addiction. Think about him looking for a place to live in those apartments. He might want to be able to get his fix in his apartment and think he still can get what he needs from you. Have it both ways. That may seem illogical to you that he would think you would allow this, but junkies don't think logically and rationalize and minimize.

 

I will even throw in the decision to leave his professional practice, with relative limits of meeting new women, to work with a new workplace where he will have more supply.

 

IF that is what is going on, I don't know what you can do about it. I really don't know anything about it other than having lived long enough to know and see people in the world around me. I don't exclude it as a possibility.

 

As far as Jennifer, that is much easier for me to see. Cheating is a very predictive human behavior. He is cheating with you in his mind. He at the very least has a crush on the straight Jennifer. The lesbian Jennifer is a ruse.

 

The odds that straight Jennifer is having an affair with your husband is slim. She is pregnant. Newly married. Certainly there are many affairs like that, but in those situations, there are many, many red flags than you are finding. She would want to contact him around the clock, not just at work. Given her station in life as a newly married 5-month pregnant, it is unlikely that she will just want a friends with benefits. I don't completely discount that maybe she is pressing him to leave you and get an apartment, wanting to get him to leave you and planning a life together. But having read a lot about infidelity here in these threads, and also having some experience in life, I don't think that both of them could hide this with you watching, which you have been.

 

Could it be the lesbian Jennifer? I don't think so. She is a lesbian. Except for his words, there is no evidence. I almost completely discount her.

 

Could it be another woman, neither of the Jennifers? I think that is possible. Still, you have no red flags. New cheaters are not good at it usually. Your husband is no evil genius, that's for sure. He's very clumsy, the way he's handled it. I think he laid out his cards with Jennifer. I do believe Jennifer was compliant initially, maybe something flirty or even a continuing flirtation is going on. I don't think it's very deep for reasons I posted earlier in this post.

 

There is no doubt that your husband is lying to you about Jennifer and you must wonder why. Your husband started looking at attorneys and apartments without speaking to you beforehand. This is a guy who is leaving the marriage.

 

None of it makes a lot of sense to you right now. There is a lot of missing pieces to the puzzle. He has all of those missing pieces to the puzzle, but he does not want to show you them, and he does not even want to describe them to you. But from what I know in life, it all makes sense. You just can't figure it out with what you have been shown. But if you could see all the missing pieces, it would all make sense to you. Your husband is not an evil genius, he is not sharp, but he is not stupid or crazy either. He is able to function in life. If he has gotten too deep in an addiction, you'll start to see more of the signs. If he is involved with Jennifer or another woman, you'll start to see more of the signs.

 

If I could show you the missing pieces, I would. If there are more clues, maybe I could figure out a bit more. But what good would that be? At least you would know, but it doesn't really solve the problem of his behavior.

 

So just a few suggestions:

 

1. Watch his actions, not so much at his words except where his words back up his actions. It is easy to lie in words, it is much more difficult to lie in actions.

 

2. Stop asking him questions. He only lies, and it lets him know you are onto him. Try to act like you've forgotten about the whole thing and see if he let's his guard down. You can snoop, just don't let him know about it, and don't ask him questions about it.

 

3. Trust your gut. You've posted a few paragraphs, maybe a few pages, of a couple of years of your relationship and your problems. You've missed a lot and tried to focus on what is important here, but there are a lot more and you know it and you lived it. So trust yourself. Trust that you know what is "normal" and what is "abnormal" and don't let him "gaslight" you - tell you you are crazy, or that your perceptions are wrong. Trust your perceptions. He is trying to decieve you, but you know him and your marriage and you know when he is lying. Rarely do people in your situation, spouses who think they might be cheated on, are wrong. Many times they question themselves, when the cheaters know you're onto them, try to get you off the track, but stick with it and believe in yourself. They are trying to get you to think you are crazy. Know that you're not.

 

4. Start to detach a little from him. He is telling you with his actions he does not want to be with you in a healthy marriage. That much is very, very clear. I know that you know this. It's OK to grieve over that. Maybe he is lost, or maybe he has forgotten what is important in life and is focusing more on "20-somethings" than what is his station in life. He canot be 20 or 30 again, even if he wants to. But if he is going to go down, there is no need for you to go with him. Detach and focus on your children and the other things in your life.

 

5. When you are ready to move on, do so. I suggest not being impulsive. If you feel like you want to leave one day, but the next you want to wait and see, then wait a while. When you reach the point where you feel you want to leave, and a few weeks go on and you feel that every day, then start to do it.

[FMW]

It comes down to how much patience you have to give him time to stop being erratic. The problem is that the longer it goes on the more damage that is done to your marriage, and it very well may be irreversible.

 

You don't have to go visit a divorce attorney together, most people go on their own. An attorney and his firm can only represent one of you and so would only give you very general information if you were together. I would go ahead and get a consultation, the initial one is very often free. Then let your husband know you that you took that step and that this is a serious option for you.

 

Maybe that will shake him out of whatever he's going through. Right now he may just see it as an idle threat and not be motivated to make a lasting change, thus the back and forth.

 

Don't give up without giving it a good try, but don't keep hanging on if things don't change. Obviously though it depends on your priorities. My xH and I wasted a lot of years that we could have both been moving on to happier lives by holding on to our marriage because we didn't want to lose the security and stability we had built financially and with family connections. I finally realized my emotional health and needs were more important than the rest.

[pepperbird]

op,

the advice abut speaking to a lawyer is spot on. Once you do you will know where you stand should you decide to pull the plug or if you husband walks away. The more knowledge you have, the better decisions you can make.

[Maraud3r]

This is why me and his therapist thought he was a hyper sexual.

Once again. Most of that stuff might be "non vanilla", it's still not all that much out there. There's far, far, far weirder stuff out there. This entire thread reads like one on r/deadbedrooms. With a high libido meeting a low libido who'd rather do away with sex entirely.

 

You come back to bringing up the therapist. "No really, my take on this is 100% accurate. The therapist also said so.". There's completely horrid therapists out there, a large number of them in fact. Hell my own ex who should be in a pschiatry herself is now a full fledged psychiatrist.

 

And about your sex life. Once a week is more than most married couples.

And Japan has an average birth rate of 1.46. Which is 0.54 under replacement level.

 

Meanwhile Zimbabwe was an average life expectancy of 51.1.

 

See the problem with averages is. They don't mean a damn. They just give you the average. An average does neither have to be healthy, good or sustainble. They're just a momentary snapshot of any given situation.

 

My couples therapist said having sex once or twice a week should keep your man happy, maybe unless he has a very very high sex drive.

 

Similar to OPs couple therapist, yours is a quack. There is no fixed "X" number much less one that can be applied so broadly. That this therapist is doing so anyway and then peddling it to you is very questionable.

 

I strongly disagree, kinky or looking to spice things up doesn't equal sex addict no matter how kinky.

 

So basically this therapist is saying anyone who uses sex toys, role play or even swinging is a sex addict. That is about as flawed as therapy can be.

This is very spot on. Heck there was a thread recently where a guy was ambushed by his ex "to be wife" and her therapist. Where they wanted to sell him a one sided open relationship as healthy and good.

 

Apparently most of that came about via the therapist. Who somehow managed to move the entire thing from work stress, to relationship to well this.

 

Therapists are people, with their own hang ups, views and problems. People tend to forget this and go "but the therapist!".

 

Read your thread I'm getting this picture of an angelic woman who has spent the term of a marriage doing her best to please a mentally unbalanced sexually deviant man. I have to ask, do you believe any part of this is a result of your behavior and how you communicate/ interact with your husband?

See that's the thing and why I have such a hard time with this thread. I've said this before in another post. The way the situation is described he's absolutely horrendous and any actions on her part are always his fault.

 

When pointing out problems in her behaviour, she instantly has dirt to add to the heap she put on him already to explain it away.

 

So either he's the worst person one could imagine, while she is a borderline saint. Or things are not as one sided as we're being told and there is a reason she is staying with him.

[ginamistros10]

Hi MaraudJr: Sorry but our bedroom was never dead. We have the toys, about a dozen home videos, etc to show for our “dead bedroom”. You seem frustrated with possibly your own experiences with this and are projecting them onto my post. I did things my hubbys way for years without any regard to what I wanted in the bedroom. I decided- u know, I seem to be nothing that a blowup doll couldn’t replace. I began to not be as “outgoing” with pleasing him for a change. It was not until he was whining about me not going the extra mile for him that I said- “hey, what do u do for me?”. He had actually never even thought of reciprocating to do things to please me. All of our videos are of me pleasing him. I can now honestly step back & see that while yes, I did slack off pleasing him for the past 6 mos or so. However if that gives him reason to go step out on our relationship, I would’ve been stepping out myself for years.

[ginamistros10]

Also to everyone in this thread that thinks the quality of marriage is based on the quantity and unique sexual encounters between spouses....I have a little backstory for you. Besides the fact that I have had to step up to the plate and run our accounting firm all by myself for the past 6 months, we have 2 teen children- one of which has autism & a chronic health condition. This child has been in the hospital twice in the past 6 months- once for an entire week. For the entire week, my hubby got to come home and go to bed at his normal bedtime while I sat at the hospital each night up all night with my child. I would do it again if necessary because I love my child and wouldn’t leave him alone at the hospital. So we’ve had a *hit ton on our plate since hubby began his job. I’m so sorry I didn’t have as much time to get on all fours and reenact a porn scene to his liking.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Gina, when you come to a forum like this one you will get views from all across the spectrum and in many cases these views would be biased according to the experiences that the person offering them has undergone. That may not be a bad thing because everyone's views have some nuggets of wisdom whether one agrees with the general drift of their views or not. However, the fundamental fact remains that you are wearing the shoe and you know precisely where it pinches. Considering that it is your husband and your marriage, I think you and only you can decide and truly know what and where your relationship has turned sour. None of us actually know you or your husband in any way near the detail that you and he know yourselves and each other.

 

After having gone through your thread up to now,, I get the feeling that although you are in deep turmoil, you have not yet decided to pull the plug and are hopeful that things can be rectified. In that case I would suggest that you just remember one cardinal rule often repeated here and on other forums. You have to be prepared to lose your marriage to have any chance to save it. Maybe filing for divorce and making this real for your husband could make him realize that he cannot have his cake and eat it too. Just think about it. Cheers.