Weird Coincidences?

[pepperbird]

op,

I'm a special needs parent too, and it can be a hard road to how for both parents. It breaks you heart to see your child in pain and to not be able to take it all away from them. I remember feeling so frightened and helpless.Utterly helpless.

 

Have you and your husband ever had any counseling or been in a support group with other parents who are in the same boat as you? You both have a lot of weight to carry, and talking to others who know what you are going through can be really helpful.

 

Also, is it possible that your husband uses sex as a coping mechanism for the emotional pain and stressors in his life? Is he the kind of man who will be open when he's in crisis or is he more the kind who bottles it all up inside?

[ginamistros10]

Yes he bottles it up. I ask him very often if he is stressed by it. He tells me it doesn’t affect him and that he compartmentalizes things. He tells me that none of these things affect the other. Not sure I believe that and I do feel he uses sex to escape.

[Doorstopper]

Later that night, I thought you know what- this bast*** is acting weird so I’m taking a look at his GPS locations on his phone to see what he was up to. Lo and behold, he did go to the store AFTER he rode by some apartments near our house. I asked him a few days later if he’d been apartment shopping lately. He looked weird and said he got mad that night and rode by the church to say a prayer in the parking lot of the church and then rode by an apt complex beside the church (his 2nd visit to this apt complex in a week). He was there for only 8 minutes but the last time he was there 40 min.

 

I don't think your husband is looking for apartments. Find out who your husband is seeing in this apartment complex and I bet you are a lot closer to figuring out what is going on. How long was he at the church? Does it have a back parking lot where extracurricular activities could be occurring? If he's a sex addict he's not praying. It may be a prostitute or a quick hook up, or some crazy fetish. I would put a VAR (voice activated recorder) in his car.

 

But here's the thing, you are traveling down a road that will eventually kill your marriage, and your husband is as well. If you want any chance of saving the marriage, file for divorce. If you don't, your marriage is going to be over anyway.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Also to everyone in this thread that thinks the quality of marriage is based on the quantity and unique sexual encounters between spouses....I have a little backstory for you. Besides the fact that I have had to step up to the plate and run our accounting firm all by myself for the past 6 months, we have 2 teen children- one of which has autism & a chronic health condition. This child has been in the hospital twice in the past 6 months- once for an entire week. For the entire week, my hubby got to come home and go to bed at his normal bedtime while I sat at the hospital each night up all night with my child. I would do it again if necessary because I love my child and wouldn’t leave him alone at the hospital. So we’ve had a *hit ton on our plate since hubby began his job. I’m so sorry I didn’t have as much time to get on all fours and reenact a porn scene to his liking.

 

I do not think your problems are because of your unwillingness to do all his sexual requests. I get it. Question, you said you have an accounting firm. So do I. I was the breadwinner and it led to our marriage almost falling apart. Is it your firm, are you his boss?

[DKT3]

I do not think your problems are because of your unwillingness to do all his sexual requests. I get it. Question, you said you have an accounting firm. So do I. I was the breadwinner and it led to our marriage almost falling apart. Is it your firm, are you his boss?

 

So you think she doesn't respect him? It does come across that way.

 

I believe she stated it was his business and he left to work somewhere else, leaving her to run it.

[ginamistros10]

Ok- as an FYI, I don’t run an “accounting firm”. This is a cover for my real business which is highly confidential. We have a lot of govt contracts/clients and I cannot divulge this information. My hubby and I basically have the same college degree and we met in college and we’re both trained for this line of work at the same time. We are equally skilled but I specialize in certain things he is weak in and vice versa. We complimented each other very well. Let’s just say we always had something to talk about and we helped each other to complete tasks. My hubby decided he didn’t think he could continue this line of work for the long run (I intend to go down with the ship per se), so he took a few months to get some certifications and decided to go into the corporate world. He was also complaining of being bored with our work (to me it’s never a dull day- but to each his own). So I respect him 100% in his choice and was fully supportive. Very happy he found something that made him happy. After he got his certification in another field, he had difficulty getting a job for a few months. He started getting a bit condescending towards me. One day I remember vividly, I had been sick with flu and was still feeling worn out. He wanted to get up early and go visit his parents who live a few hrs away. I didn’t feel like going and he threw a fit. I felt bad and he was impatient that I was feeling so poorly and hadn’t been able to go out for a couple weeks. He told me the world would keep going around and he would be going with it. I’m not one to be too emotional but this made me cry. He told me he was sick of having to go out alone. Shortly after, we got over all of that and he got his new job. I was so happy for him that I went out and bought him a new wardrobe (shirts, pants, etc). His first day, I cooked him a special meal for when he got home. I was very good and kind to him. A few days later, one day after work he told us about lesbian Jennifer (his coworker). He told me she had introduced herself and said “Hi I’m Jennifer and I have a wife”. I thought this sounded weird, but didn’t ask any questions. A few day later, he came home and told us Jennifer’s cat bit another persons cat at the vet and it was such a funny story. Once again, I laughed along and didn’t say anything. He never mentioned the other Jennifer (whose name I later saw in an email chain on his laptop). The other Jennifer is very straight and really pretty. Regarding myself, I am not trying to brag, but I’ve been told I look like I’m in my early thirties and like a model. I am physically fit and take care of my appearance. The lesbian Jennifer is more of a tomboy type. Which is why it didn’t make sense he would get so bent out of shape about my anger that he had private lunch with her. I remember during his little emotional breakdown he had when I asked if he lied to me about which Jennifer he took to lunch. The look on his face was weird. This Jennifer had just gotten married about 3 mos before my hubby started his job. Her hubby is attractive but seems like he’s always busy (he has 2 jobs). He also has expensive tastes (he bought a new sports car around this time). I found out info on their social media profiles (people post their life story on them). My hubby told me I need to promise to stop looking at people he works with and drop all of this. Lol.

[ginamistros10]

Yes I have wondered this myself about if he knows someone in that apt complex. I will continue monitoring it. I can easily tail him since it’s so close to our house. I don’t think he would go meet in the church parking lot if he could just go inside someone’s apartment, but what do I know.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Gina, I have a question for you if you feel like answering it. Do you still love your husband and if so,, do you love him enough to try and save your marriage? From everything you've written in in your last few posts it seems that you are meandering along but not taking any proactive measures to save your marriage. At this point the only way your husband will come to his senses if at all, is if he is hit with a dose of reality. It is up to you as to what you want to do. Best wishes.

Edited September 10, 2018 by Just a Guy

[pepperbird]

Yes he bottles it up. I ask him very often if he is stressed by it. He tells me it doesn’t affect him and that he compartmentalizes things. He tells me that none of these things affect the other. Not sure I believe that and I do feel he uses sex to escape.

 

 

This is really sad to hear.

 

 

I'm not sure I buy into him saying that he can compartmentalize his child's pain and other issues so much sot hat it doesn't affect him. If you can get him to open up about it, it might make a big difference.

 

 

Unfortunately, cheating is especially common in marriages where there is a child with special needs.

[MidnightBlue1980]

So you think she doesn't respect him? It does come across that way.

 

I believe she stated it was his business and he left to work somewhere else, leaving her to run it.

 

Well, I have learned that it is hard for a man when his wife is the breadwinner, and it's also an extra complication when the husband works for the company run by his boss. By state law, only credentialed people can own an accounting firm which is why I asked if they were both licensed. I didn't get a direct answer though.

[Just a Guy]

AHi Midnight, I think your clarification lies in the statement that Gina made about the "Accounting Firm" being a cover for their real business which is confidential and involves governmental work. Obviously she cannot be more upfront about it than she has been. The question of who is or was the boss does not seem relevant to me. The two of them were equal partners in the business just as in married life. Each had their own strengths and weaknesses but as a team they made a formidable combination. Sadly the husband bailed on the business just as he seems to have done with the marriage. I think Gina needs to view her whole situation objectively, as in, as an observer looking into their situation dispassionately. If she can do that I am sure she will be able to take decisive action to either protect and recover her marriage or terminate it as the case may be. Currently, to me, she appears to be in limbo. Just my opinion. Best wishes.

Edited September 11, 2018 by Just a Guy

[ginamistros10]

Just A Guy- Yes! You are understanding what I’m talking about. We were equal partners. I would say that he was more of the leader & I was the “behind the scenes” person who did things he didn’t enjoy but that I enjoyed. I was also the one who always left early and had to get the kids after school and worked from home some because we didn’t have a lot of sitters and one of the children is special needs. So when he left, I took over the operations and the cases for our business. Of course since I had done this job for years, it wasn’t hard for me to take over. But right when he left the business, it was a little hard finding a lot of time for our marriage because I did need to get used to how I wanted to run the business and I made a few positive changes to our process. Changes that ended up saving me a lot of time which could now be spent on our family and marriage. During an argument, he was complaining I didn’t entertain him and cater to him enough. I asked him if he could assist more with housework. He balked at that. I told him when we were running the business 50/50, that I did most of the housework too. But now that I’m running it 100%, I needed some extra help from him (his chores consist of weekly trash to curb and maybe one load of laundry per week). During this argument, he told me our business was never 50/50 and he did all the work. I asked him how it is so easy for me to take over the company then if I never was involved. This man can say some of the most oddball things either because he has dementia or he is just trying to hurt me.

[ginamistros10]

I also tried talking to him this weekend about his compartmentalism of his feelings. He acted like I was crazy and complained about an article I printed out for him that talked about how sex addicts can compartmentalize things which enables them to carry on with their addiction. He acted like this just blew his mind. He has been with the family all weekend but has been making snide remarks to our daughter because she won’t have anything to do with him. Acting like a little child himself. He might not have the sports car, but he sure fits the description of a confused middle aged man in a crisis. I saw a sports car online and sarcastically asked him if he wanted to take a look at it. He said “send me the link so I can take a look”.

[DKT3]

Just A Guy- Yes! You are understanding what I’m talking about. We were equal partners. I would say that he was more of the leader & I was the “behind the scenes” person who did things he didn’t enjoy but that I enjoyed. I was also the one who always left early and had to get the kids after school and worked from home some because we didn’t have a lot of sitters and one of the children is special needs. So when he left, I took over the operations and the cases for our business. Of course since I had done this job for years, it wasn’t hard for me to take over. But right when he left the business, it was a little hard finding a lot of time for our marriage because I did need to get used to how I wanted to run the business and I made a few positive changes to our process. Changes that ended up saving me a lot of time which could now be spent on our family and marriage. During an argument, he was complaining I didn’t entertain him and cater to him enough. I asked him if he could assist more with housework. He balked at that. I told him when we were running the business 50/50, that I did most of the housework too. But now that I’m running it 100%, I needed some extra help from him (his chores consist of weekly trash to curb and maybe one load of laundry per week). During this argument, he told me our business was never 50/50 and he did all the work. I asked him how it is so easy for me to take over the company then if I never was involved. This man can say some of the most oddball things either because he has dementia or he is just trying to hurt me.

 

I see a huge issue here, you accept absolutely no responsibility for the state of your marriage. Any time someone has pointed this out here you simply up the ante on how horrible your husband is.

 

No bad marriage is the sole responsibility of one spouse. So it appears all you do is tell him how horrible he is. How do you expect him to respond?

 

It reminds me of a WW who is dealing with her husband's affair but hasn't even confessed her own. Nothing good can come from painting him horribly here. It makes it hard to accept your account of the marriage and actually wonder what's really going on here.

[Mr. Lucky]

I see a huge issue here, you accept absolutely no responsibility for the state of your marriage. Any time someone has pointed this out here you simply up the ante on how horrible your husband is.

 

No bad marriage is the sole responsibility of one spouse. So it appears all you do is tell him how horrible he is. How do you expect him to respond?

 

Amen. ginamistros10, your approach also deprives you of any possibility for personal growth. If it's all his fault, no need for self-examination on your part, eh?

 

You haven't built much of a case for why you'd want to stay with this sex-crazed, crisis-suffering, mentally-incapacitated, lesbian-chasing, lying poor-excuse for a husband you have. Certainly one of those threads where it would be interesting to hear the other side of the story...

 

Mr. Lucky

[pepperbird]

.

 

op,

if you feel your spouse is cheating ( and I find the story about Jennifer being gay to be highly suspect) you have a right to know,and there is no excuse he can give that will justify his actions. You also have the right to determine how and when you will be intimate with your husband. Of course if he isn't satisfied, he has every right to speak up or walk away if he feels that you aren't meeting his needs. Instead, his go to response ( from what you indicate) has been to,at the very least, look for a connection at work.

 

From what you say, if he is cheating, i highly doubt it's really about sex. It sounds more like he has a lot of issues to deal with, and rather than do so, he has chosen to run away. Is this typical for him?

 

 

Also, has he ever given you any reason in the past not to trust him? has he cheated ( or even flirted) before?

[Just a Guy]

Hi Gina, the last three posters have made some very valid points. I just wanted to ask you a single question. Why are you posting here? What do you want to achieve? Answering this question will help you put in perspective the dilemma you are facing and how to go about resolving it. Warm wishes.

[ginamistros10]

Yes I agree he has issues. There was one incident when we were living together (we had been together 2 years). We used to carpool to work because we worked in adjacent buildings. One day at 5, it was my turn to walk to his building to meet him at his office (we parked the car over there that day). I opened the door to his office and there was a woman sitting on his desk (he was seated at the desk on his computer). His male coworker was at his desk as well. The woman was leaned over on his desk propping herself up on her arms. I thought it looked a little too comfortable for my tastes. She looked surprised I was there and introduced herself. She told me he was helping her with a work task and she thought the world of him- said “he’s a winner”. I asked him WTF on the way home and he acted clueless. He said he didn’t know what the big deal was. I said- who lays on another mans desk? I told him it looked a bit inappropriate. He and his coworker were located one floor below most of the other staff, so their office was a bit out of the way. I just didn’t get a great fuzzy feeling about it. Also- when we were dating early on, I found out he’d be continuing to talk to his ex girlfriend for a little while. He claimed she was good friends with him and he thought it was ok to keep having phone conversations with her when I was not around. I asked him if he’d like me to give my ex a call. That ended that.

[S2B]

I will say this....we were doing fine before he started this new job. We were going on dates, he told me he was satisfied intimately, I was buying him new clothes for his job, we were talking & texting each other daily while he was at work. We were over that stuff that happened years ago. This is why I was blindsided with his private lunch with another woman. It’s not like a bunch of bad stuff was going on. We were cool. Which is why I got so upset by it. I wasn’t expecting a reaction like that from him (the I can live without you attitude). I also think his emotional breakdown shortly thereafter was weird. I have actually thought about this so much. Why would he react if this lady is a lesbian. Why so defensive. Which is why I wondered if he possibly could’ve been with the other Jennifer (the nonlesbian). She is the one that had things on her Instagram that he would come home talking about. She’s also the one who is currently 5 months pregnant right now.

 

I think he seems easily unhappy with himself.

 

Looks like he's cheating or thinking about it. Likely with the second Jennifer. Is it possible she could be pregnant by your husband? That would explain the sudden need to divorce...

 

Either way he's secretive, breaking agreements you've always had in place and lying about what he's doing (including trying to go to the gym) I think that was a cover he was gonna use to see her more often alone.

 

I wish posters would stop criticizing your behavior - you have every right to focus on what's going on - your husband is trying to cheat! Go full balls out on finding out what's real. Your husband isn't offering his truth... that would be enough for me to say "no more with you honey" - as whena spouse startsprioritizing other things/people over their spouse - things are already in a bad place.

 

No need to be the only one fighting to have a better marriage. If he's not giving at least 100% then it's nearing the end.

 

You can't be the only one trying to make the marriage work.

 

If he's not willing to hold you as his TOP priority with complete honesty and transparency - then there's nothing worth fighting for.

 

Sit him down and tell him if he's not willing to do all of that - thenpack hisbaga and leave now.

 

Do not try to make him comfortable... in fact make him UNcomfortable for his bad behavior. He wants to act like a complete jerk - treat him as he is - like a jerk.

[Just a Guy]

Hi S2B, I get the feeling that Gina is not quite ready to accept the advice you are giving her of walking away or giving her husband any cause to abandon her and walk away himself. Right through her thread in all of her posts she has vented but has never once painted him as a blackguard. Underlying all her fulminations seems to be a woman who is very hurt and afraid that her husband is going to abandon her and she is straining every fiber in her body to see that she can win him over again. I have asked her a few questions from time to time but she has consciously avoided answering them. I do not know what her underlying issues are but there are issues and they may be buried deep within her, maybe from her childhood and these are subconsciously preventing her from taking any proactive steps. There is a possibility too, that early on in their relationship there may have been some inappropriate behaviour on her part which her husband is holding against her. This is pure conjecture on my part and I may be completely wrong here. If so I apologize in advance.

 

The fact is that Gina's husband has given her enough ammunition for her to take some very stringent action but she has shied away from any such thing. At the same time he appears to be very brazen in his actions and not at all apologetic which seems rather strange. When someone is in the wrong and has been exposed he/she would at the very least be a bit ashamed and try to make amends. If not he would have just walked away if he was completely checked out of the marriage. There is something which does not quite make sense here. Just my opinion.

[ginamistros10]

Yes I have pondered if it is his baby. They would have to carry on the affair entirely at work tho because he’s pretty much always home, and she’s married. Her hubby is a personal trainer and also a banker. I have been stalking her Instagram to see if anything looked weird. Her acct has always been public. During an argument a couple months ago, I asked my hubby about all the coincidences on her Instagram acct. If u remember, he would come home talking about CrossFit (she does this and posts pics of her doing this). My hubby is not a huge fitness buff by any means. So when he instisted he join the company’s gym and workout before or after work- this seemed weird especially when we have a gym membership already that is near our home and we pay $100/mo for. But he said it’s more convenient to work out before or after work up there. . As a funny side note, for our anniversary, he gave me a CrossFit jump rope. Lol- I don’t do CrossFit. I do exercise but I don’t jump rope in our home which has 8ft ceilings. He also got me a shirt and a cosmetic travel case. These were weird things to buy your wife for an anniversary. In the past, it was always jewelry and he would ask me what I like and go to great lengths to get something more sentimental. I got him a watch, which he hasn’t worn. His behavior is just so odd. Something is off. Back to the Instagram....So during an argument I brought up some things he would come home and talk about. New restaurants, a cooking class he wanted to take, etc. Lo and behold, she was showing these things on her Instagram. When I told him what a coincidence, he denied it and told me I need to stop looking at his coworkers Instagram. About 2-3 weeks after this, her Instagram was changed by her to private. Now I can’t look at her anymore...but her hubby has an acct that is public. He was in fact out of town this week for work. I feel this could be useful information. Last weekend he was acting pretty normal. He found a new tv show for us to watch. He was sitting close beside me and we were holding hands. We did this for several nights in a row and things were ok. My daughter had concert tickets the next night and I took her so he stayed home with our son. When I got home, we were all sitting around talking. We had a package left on our front porch by UPS. We have a dog who always tries to run out the door when opened. My hubby opened the door and left it wide open while he got the package off our porch. The dog tried to run out but the kids grabbed him. My son (special needs) got really upset at my hubby. He asked him if he could be a little more careful next time. My hubby got defensive and rude. He told the kids he did nothing wrong and to be quiet. My son has a special attachment to the dog. I’m not sure how he would be without the dog around if he were to get out. I was sitting in the other room listening to this go on. My hubby kept arguing with the kids until my son came in to get me. He asked me to please talk to his dad. I told hubby while he didn’t do anything wrong necessarily, that I thought it might be helpful to please go outside and close the door while u pick up the package. Hubby threw a fit with me and turned it into an argument. He went to bed mad without saying goodnight. He has been avoiding me for 2 days. I was totally over this incident and thought he was too- it was no big deal. He wouldn’t hold my hand tonight while we watched our tv show. I asked him what’s wrong. He said he was upset at me about the dog incident. He told me he was tired of me and the stress. I told him does he expect I would always agree with everything he says and does? I told him he is reaching and he has to have another reason to be doing all of this (picking fights, avoiding me, acting weird). I told him I know what it is and he can’t hide behind it forever. I told him if he has someone else, it will come out. Maybe not now but it would after we split. Told him that I will find out. I also informed him that he may come home from work one day to find his clothes on our sidewalk and the locks changed.

[ginamistros10]

I’m getting stronger every day. Not many tears anymore. I’m not as surprised by his behavior. I still would like to figure it all out, but I’m not as upset anymore. Each time he does this it is getting easier for me to leave. I honestly don’t feel as much for him anymore. I feel like this isn’t love if u have to be constantly watching your spouse because of their wacky behavior. I also hate how it affects the kids. My daughter has written him off entirely. She got off the rollercoaster months ago! No- I haven’t cheated on him. Have I thought about it-absolutely! I am lonely and I miss what we had.

[JuneL]

OP: I tried reading your posts, but found it hard to read the huge wall of texts without paragraphs.

 

Yes I have pondered if it is his baby. They would have to carry on the affair entirely at work tho because he’s pretty much always home, and she’s married. Her hubby is a personal trainer and also a banker. I have been stalking her Instagram to see if anything looked weird. Her acct has always been public. During an argument a couple months ago, I asked my hubby about all the coincidences on her Instagram acct. If u remember, he would come home talking about CrossFit (she does this and posts pics of her doing this). My hubby is not a huge fitness buff by any means. So when he instisted he join the company’s gym and workout before or after work- this seemed weird especially when we have a gym membership already that is near our home and we pay $100/mo for. But he said it’s more convenient to work out before or after work up there. ��. As a funny side note, for our anniversary, he gave me a CrossFit jump rope. Lol- I don’t do CrossFit. I do exercise but I don’t jump rope in our home which has 8ft ceilings. He also got me a shirt and a cosmetic travel case. These were weird things to buy your wife for an anniversary. In the past, it was always jewelry and he would ask me what I like and go to great lengths to get something more sentimental. I got him a watch, which he hasn’t worn. His behavior is just so odd. Something is off. Back to the Instagram....So during an argument I brought up some things he would come home and talk about. New restaurants, a cooking class he wanted to take, etc. Lo and behold, she was showing these things on her Instagram. When I told him what a coincidence, he denied it and told me I need to stop looking at his coworkers Instagram. About 2-3 weeks after this, her Instagram was changed by her to private. Now I can’t look at her anymore...but her hubby has an acct that is public. He was in fact out of town this week for work. I feel this could be useful information. Last weekend he was acting pretty normal. He found a new tv show for us to watch. He was sitting close beside me and we were holding hands. We did this for several nights in a row and things were ok. My daughter had concert tickets the next night and I took her so he stayed home with our son. When I got home, we were all sitting around talking. We had a package left on our front porch by UPS. We have a dog who always tries to run out the door when opened. My hubby opened the door and left it wide open while he got the package off our porch. The dog tried to run out but the kids grabbed him. My son (special needs) got really upset at my hubby. He asked him if he could be a little more careful next time. My hubby got defensive and rude. He told the kids he did nothing wrong and to be quiet. My son has a special attachment to the dog. I’m not sure how he would be without the dog around if he were to get out. I was sitting in the other room listening to this go on. My hubby kept arguing with the kids until my son came in to get me. He asked me to please talk to his dad. I told hubby while he didn’t do anything wrong necessarily, that I thought it might be helpful to please go outside and close the door while u pick up the package. Hubby threw a fit with me and turned it into an argument. He went to bed mad without saying goodnight. He has been avoiding me for 2 days. I was totally over this incident and thought he was too- it was no big deal. He wouldn’t hold my hand tonight while we watched our tv show. I asked him what’s wrong. He said he was upset at me about the dog incident. He told me he was tired of me and the stress. I told him does he expect I would always agree with everything he says and does? I told him he is reaching and he has to have another reason to be doing all of this (picking fights, avoiding me, acting weird). I told him I know what it is and he can’t hide behind it forever. I told him if he has someone else, it will come out. Maybe not now but it would after we split. Told him that I will find out. I also informed him that he may come home from work one day to find his clothes on our sidewalk and the locks changed.

[Mr. Lucky]

As a funny side note, for our anniversary, he gave me a CrossFit jump rope. Lol- I don’t do CrossFit. I do exercise but I don’t jump rope in our home which has 8ft ceilings.

 

Well then, he must be cheating on you...

 

Mr. Lucky

[ginamistros10]

Sorry about that! I tried to edit it and put in paragraphs but the system will not let me edit a post if the thread has new messages.