Husband- Stepson Issue Justified?

[BaileyB]

@PhillyLibertyBelle, I have been thinking about your thread. I am so sorry you find yourself in this situation.

 

I am going to go against the grain a bit here. I think the odds are very high that your H is going to be on the outs with his son again sometime soon, with or without you. His son has major issues, and right now you're an easy target. But it's only a matter of time before the target moves back onto his dad/your H.

 

Don't get me wrong- your H is being a total ass. As a parent, though, I can understand him being desperate to hold onto the relationship with his son, as tenuous as it is, after all that time being estranged. It's ironic that he doesn't see your contribution to having ended that estrangement! However, given the long-standing serious difficulties the son has had maintaining any relationships (family, girlfriends, employment), I think it is going to blow up on your H sooner or later. Your H is going to find himself on the outs with his son again soon.

 

Since you say that you want to save your marriage, I recommend thinking on how much, if any, time you are willing to give your H to return to sanity. If you want to try to stay, you can tell your H that even "only a second wife" deserves some protection from the nastiness his son is spitting out. Give your H free reign to spend time/talk with his son but leave you out of it entirely. You don't need to hear any nasty comments or have to deal with the son at all. Don't try to fix anything; let your H and his son work out their own relationship (and likely end.)

 

It seems to me in reading your threads that overall you've been happy with your marriage- if this is the case, then it might be worth a year or two of hanging in there. Undoubtedly you will feel cooler towards your H. At the same time, this situation is not likely to be long-lasting. It's almost certainly going to blow up at some point.

 

You're in a bad spot, and so is your H. Your H is probably not going to feel the same way about the situation in another 8 or 9 months. Ideally your H would stand up for you and tell his son off, but I think in real life it is really rare for a parent to be able to actually do it (IME adult kids are able to do this much more often and effectively). I suspect your H is going to be heartsick about his son soon.

 

If you can stand it, you might try to consider this as a stressful time in your relationship and not the way your relationship has been historically. Try not to take your H's angry words personally- given his past as a good husband to you (if in fact he has been a good husband.) Go get your space and prioritize yourself, but this doesn't necessarily mean going straight to divorce.

 

Unless, that is, you feel ready for divorce. If you're not sure, I recommend slowing down a bit.

 

Whichever way you decide, I wish the best for you! Things will work out either way, it's just trying figure out which way will serve you best, yes?

 

I completely agree with this post. Knitwit, you give good advice.

[PhillyLibertyBelle]

@PhillyLibertyBelle, I have been thinking about your thread. I am so sorry you find yourself in this situation.

 

I am going to go against the grain a bit here. I think the odds are very high that your H is going to be on the outs with his son again sometime soon, with or without you. His son has major issues, and right now you're an easy target. But it's only a matter of time before the target moves back onto his dad/your H.

 

Don't get me wrong- your H is being a total ass. As a parent, though, I can understand him being desperate to hold onto the relationship with his son, as tenuous as it is, after all that time being estranged. It's ironic that he doesn't see your contribution to having ended that estrangement! However, given the long-standing serious difficulties the son has had maintaining any relationships (family, girlfriends, employment), I think it is going to blow up on your H sooner or later. Your H is going to find himself on the outs with his son again soon.

 

Since you say that you want to save your marriage, I recommend thinking on how much, if any, time you are willing to give your H to return to sanity. If you want to try to stay, you can tell your H that even "only a second wife" deserves some protection from the nastiness his son is spitting out. Give your H free reign to spend time/talk with his son but leave you out of it entirely. You don't need to hear any nasty comments or have to deal with the son at all. Don't try to fix anything; let your H and his son work out their own relationship (and likely end.)

 

It seems to me in reading your threads that overall you've been happy with your marriage- if this is the case, then it might be worth a year or two of hanging in there. Undoubtedly you will feel cooler towards your H. At the same time, this situation is not likely to be long-lasting. It's almost certainly going to blow up at some point.

 

You're in a bad spot, and so is your H. Your H is probably not going to feel the same way about the situation in another 8 or 9 months. Ideally your H would stand up for you and tell his son off, but I think in real life it is really rare for a parent to be able to actually do it (IME adult kids are able to do this much more often and effectively). I suspect your H is going to be heartsick about his son soon.

 

If you can stand it, you might try to consider this as a stressful time in your relationship and not the way your relationship has been historically. Try not to take your H's angry words personally- given his past as a good husband to you (if in fact he has been a good husband.) Go get your space and prioritize yourself, but this doesn't necessarily mean going straight to divorce.

 

Unless, that is, you feel ready for divorce. If you're not sure, I recommend slowing down a bit.

 

Whichever way you decide, I wish the best for you! Things will work out either way, it's just trying figure out which way will serve you best, yes?

 

 

This is very good advice because we had a good marriage with happiness and love. I’m moving but not filing.

 

You’re right on point that if my H doesn’t give him something he wants there will be another estrangement. However here are the problems as I see them currently:

 

H is a HIGH netwoth individual so the money is not going to run out

H is OVERCOME WITH GUILT about his perception he was a horrible father

One of SS favourite things to say is “I raised myself” H wallet snaps open

Believe it or not SS has a W and they are trying unsuccessfully for babies

H is now paying for fertility

 

If there is an estrangement H will come back to me for companionship/ comfort

 

The minute SS comes back I’ll be tossed aside again

 

If grandchildren happen that’s it. I’ll be completely excluded.

 

H is significantly older than I. I am the executor of his estate, where he has made significant provisions for his children and %$250,000 to me as dictated in our prenup. If H pre-deceases me, SS will fight me in court to get everything including his sister’s share (she’s in a long term psychiatric facility and loves me and H knows 100% I’d always look after her.

 

I’m willing to give this some time but I just see a merry go round with SS until he gets rid of everyone in H life.

[PhillyLibertyBelle]

Spent what I thought was a fabulous weekend with H. Natural, loving, warm. Then he tells me that every relationship has to have compromises and that he loves me and wants me in his live forever but that he loves SS who will soon have grandchildren and he’s worked out a strategy that can work for everyone. Great I think.

 

SS won’t see H or allow him access to the arrival of grandchildren because he doesn’t want me as a legal member of the family with any rights or for SS to be obliged to include me in family events,

 

Solution: we ger divorced, but get re-engaged to show the gravitas of out remand just be engaged forever which will “make everything comfortable for everyone

 

EXCEPT ME.

 

I said no way, left H at airport and haven’t been in touch since. I’m disgusted

[Mr. Lucky]

Solution: we ger divorced, but get re-engaged to show the gravitas of out remand just be engaged forever which will “make everything comfortable for everyone

 

I'm surprised he didn't also suggest you self-deport and disappear into the Dark Web.

 

He can't be serious...

 

Mr. Lucky

[JuneL]

This man doesn’t sound like a prize anyway. I’m just wondering if he’s using the stepson as an excuse to divorce you.

 

It looks like he really wants to have kids and grandkids in his life. Well since he’s rich, he can marry a much younger woman and have more kids (and grandkids).

 

Spent what I thought was a fabulous weekend with H. Natural, loving, warm. Then he tells me that every relationship has to have compromises and that he loves me and wants me in his live forever but that he loves SS who will soon have grandchildren and he’s worked out a strategy that can work for everyone. Great I think.

 

SS won’t see H or allow him access to the arrival of grandchildren because he doesn’t want me as a legal member of the family with any rights or for SS to be obliged to include me in family events,

 

Solution: we ger divorced, but get re-engaged to show the gravitas of out remand just be engaged forever which will “make everything comfortable for everyone

 

EXCEPT ME.

 

I said no way, left H at airport and haven’t been in touch since. I’m disgusted

[PhillyLibertyBelle]

This man doesn’t sound like a prize anyway. I’m just wondering if he’s using the stepson as an excuse to divorce you.

 

It looks like he really wants to have kids and grandkids in his life. Well since he’s rich, he can marry a much younger woman and have more kids (and grandkids).

 

 

He still wants me to live in the family home remarkably

 

Possibly about a younger new wife but he’s in his mid 60’s so maybe he can have more children maybe not. I’m just so morally insulted it’s untrue. I’ll stay NC but he’s got getting back the over 1M in jewellery he bought me or the cars (prenup! I get to keep all gifts).not because I will wear them any more, I’ll trade in for some divorce diamonds!

 

ASI he can file. If I act it looks like I either agree or am upset and I want to appear completely ambivalent.

[BTDT2012]

Spent what I thought was a fabulous weekend with H. Natural, loving, warm. Then he tells me that every relationship has to have compromises and that he loves me and wants me in his live forever but that he loves SS who will soon have grandchildren and he’s worked out a strategy that can work for everyone. Great I think.

 

SS won’t see H or allow him access to the arrival of grandchildren because he doesn’t want me as a legal member of the family with any rights or for SS to be obliged to include me in family events,

 

Solution: we ger divorced, but get re-engaged to show the gravitas of out remand just be engaged forever which will “make everything comfortable for everyone

 

EXCEPT ME.

 

I said no way, left H at airport and haven’t been in touch since. I’m disgusted

 

 

Has he lost his mind? Tell him to pretend you got divorced. Or, get him to buy you some more nice things that you can exchange for cash. I understand you being quite insulted.

Edited September 12, 2018 by BTDT2012

[PhillyLibertyBelle]

Has he lost his mind? Tell him to pretend you got divorced. Or, get him to buy you some more nice things that you can exchange for cash. I understand you being quite insulted.

 

 

He literally has such a guilt issue about his divorce and children that he’s a marionette in a string to SS. I am not about to engage in this stupidity.

 

I really wanted my M to work out but I’m not going to allow anyone to treat me as a consolation prize.

[knitwit]

WOW. I am so sorry to read this update. Your husband is out of his mind!

[PhillyLibertyBelle]

WOW. I am so sorry to read this update. Your husband is out of his mind!

 

He sent me flowers and a card today. I thought he finally came to his senses until I read the card. Started with how he loved me and wanted us to be\ live together forever. Ends with ..,

 

Thabksgiving is coming up and it’s such a family time and how grateful he is for me. Why doesn’t he fly to me, we can do “our” Thanksgiving on the Wednesday then he can fly to Chicago for Thursday to spend the “actual p” day with SS and daughter in law.

 

Flowers: trash. Staying NC.

 

I just want him to file now. Completely astounding

[PhillyLibertyBelle]

One of my friends thinks he has dementia or has joined a cult

[MidwestUSA]

One of my friends thinks he has dementia or has joined a cult

 

Possibly. It also sounds like he's been brainwashed by his son. The son wants you 'legally out' of the picture, so he doesn't have to fight you over money if your H kicks the bucket.

 

Take all your goodies and get out. I'm so sorry.

 

Edit: I thought I remembered you from another thread. Take your love and give it to someone more deserving. Another foster? ❤️

Edited September 14, 2018 by MidwestUSA

[PhillyLibertyBelle]

Possibly. It also sounds like he's been brainwashed by his son. The son wants you 'legally out' of the picture, so he doesn't have to fight you over money if your H kicks the bucket.

 

Take all your goodies and get out. I'm so sorry.

 

Edit: I thought I remembered you from another thread. Take your love and give it to someone more deserving. Another foster? ❤️

 

I’d love to foster again!

[knitwit]

Wow. Is he used to getting his way? Does he not see how insulting and demeaning this is to you? You said he has a high net worth- does he think you're in this for the money and you'll happily hide away on holidays?!?!?

 

NC is good. What's the point of anything else?

 

 

He sent me flowers and a card today. I thought he finally came to his senses until I read the card. Started with how he loved me and wanted us to be\ live together forever. Ends with ..,

 

Thabksgiving is coming up and it’s such a family time and how grateful he is for me. Why doesn’t he fly to me, we can do “our” Thanksgiving on the Wednesday then he can fly to Chicago for Thursday to spend the “actual p” day with SS and daughter in law.

 

Flowers: trash. Staying NC.

 

I just want him to file now. Completely astounding

[PhillyLibertyBelle]

Wow. Is he used to getting his way? Does he not see how insulting and demeaning this is to you? You said he has a high net worth- does he think you're in this for the money and you'll happily hide away on holidays?!?!?

 

NC is good. What's the point of anything else?

 

I have no where near the money he does so I’ll call myself about 20% away from being a HNW individual. I have significant investments and am earning in the middle 6 figures. We have a pre-nup to protect both of us.

 

SS got taken away to Canada when he was little and my H and his ex W divorced.

 

SS constantly says stuff like “I raised myself” “I feel like an orphan” “you spend more son Step Sister than me ... she’s is a psychiatric hospital as a long term in patient!”)”

 

 

SS is very demeaning to me. When I rejected the divorce but remain engaged idea he called me “unhinged” and “an idiot for not taking the deal of a lifetime “

[JuneL]

How long have you been married?

[anika99]

Omg! He thinks he's offering you the deal of a lifetime? He's the one who is unhinged.

 

Sorry it has come to this OP. To a certain extent I can understand your husband's parental guilt as I myself wasn't always a great mom and I beat myself up a lot for mistakes I made 20 or 30yrs ago. However I would never let someone else, not even my beloved sons, tell me who I can or cannot be with.

 

As a matter of fact I had a situation with my son about 7yrs ago where he became furious at me. He resorted to some vile verbal abuse and threatened to not let me see his kids anymore. The whole episode was devastating but I went no contact with him and his family. We just needed a long cooling of period but I was also clear that I would not beg or suck up to him for the sake of seeing my grandchildren. I knew that if I gave into that kind of emotional blackmail even once it would never stop. I'm happy to say my son and I get along much better now and we haven't had anymore fallouts since then.

 

Your husband is not seeing the big picture here. Your jerk stepson doesn't care who his father is with, this isn't even about you. This is about his son's desire to punish and control your husband and your husband is playing right along. Even if he divorces you and then marries another woman the moment his next wife offends his son, the son will do the same to her. I don't think the son will accept any woman in his father's life because he wants total control of your husband and your husbands money.

 

At this point it's probably best to just call it a day and divorce so you can get on with your life. Your husband will grow old and die alone because his son doesn't actually care about him at all.

[PhillyLibertyBelle]

How long have you been married?

 

2 years 10 months.

[PhillyLibertyBelle]

Omg! He thinks he's offering you the deal of a lifetime? He's the one who is unhinged.

 

Sorry it has come to this OP. To a certain extent I can understand your husband's parental guilt as I myself wasn't always a great mom and I beat myself up a lot for mistakes I made 20 or 30yrs ago. However I would never let someone else, not even my beloved sons, tell me who I can or cannot be with.

 

As a matter of fact I had a situation with my son about 7yrs ago where he became furious at me. He resorted to some vile verbal abuse and threatened to not let me see his kids anymore. The whole episode was devastating but I went no contact with him and his family. We just needed a long cooling of period but I was also clear that I would not beg or suck up to him for the sake of seeing my grandchildren. I knew that if I gave into that kind of emotional blackmail even once it would never stop. I'm happy to say my son and I get along much better now and we haven't had anymore fallouts since then.

 

Your husband is not seeing the big picture here. Your jerk stepson doesn't care who his father is with, this isn't even about you. This is about his son's desire to punish and control your husband and your husband is playing right along. Even if he divorces you and then marries another woman the moment his next wife offends his son, the son will do the same to her. I don't think the son will accept any woman in his father's life because he wants total control of your husband and your husbands money.

 

At this point it's probably best to just call it a day and divorce so you can get on with your life. Your husband will grow old and die alone because his son doesn't actually care about him at all.

 

Thanks for your post. A few similarities and some context. This is about one thing and one thing only to SS and that is $$$$ so far in 2017 he has been given in excess of $50,000 cash plus 6 trips for him

And his W (in business class at luxury hotels) season tickets to 2 different sports. A new BMW SUV and that’s just the big stuff. My H and I have a pew-nup and very strict provisions in our wills such as I get all

Gifts he gives me, plus a notional cash bequeathmwnrnof under $250,000 and that’s it.I pay my own bills, I retain all my properties or bequeath then to whomever I see fit. All my assets that are cash or investments are mine. He keeps all the gifts I give him. His first wife I believe gets his social

Security.

 

SS has demanded to see a copy of these documents to which I said over my dead body. It’s none of his business and I don’t want him knowing my net worth etc.

 

Like you SS and H were not on speaking terms for several years before I entered the picture and I’m the one who facilitated that reconciliation BIG MISTAKE.

 

H will never remarry. He’s in his mid 50’s. was divorced from first wife in 1975 I think and never married again until me.

 

It’s sad when guilt (H) and knowing how to manipulate, and greed for money are so much stronger than love.

[PhillyLibertyBelle]

Just a little update: I’m seeing a lawyer this week because I need to keep what marbles I have left.

[JuneL]

2 years 10 months.

 

For some reason, I had the impression that you’ve been married much longer like 10+ years.

 

So your husband was a confirmed bachelor before you. He doesn’t seem to take marriage seriously and that’s perhaps why he would say you’re only his second wife. Was it his idea to get married, or did he just go along because you really wanted to get married, or did he not want to spend his elderly years alone?

[PhillyLibertyBelle]

For some reason, I had the impression that you’ve been married much longer like 10+ years.

 

So your husband was a confirmed bachelor before you. He doesn’t seem to take marriage seriously and that’s perhaps why he would say you’re only his second wife. Was it his idea to get married, or did he just go along because you really wanted to get married, or did he not want to spend his elderly years alone?

 

Hi June

 

Thanks for always writing such good posts and questions. He chased me to death. He is the one who wanted to get married, super secret romantic proposal, big ring etc.

 

You’re right he doesn’t seem to take marriage seriously which is all the more strange as he is an ex-minister and we met at church!

 

I was quite happy being alone and although I would have liked to have someone in my life I sure wasn’t looking for a H. We dated for almost 2 years previously to getting married.

[PhillyLibertyBelle]

Well I got a lawyer. Mixed feelings about it spiritually but know it is the right thing in every other possible way.

[PhillyLibertyBelle]

Just assembling paperwork for this is a full time job!

[knitwit]

Are you preparing to file? Or just making sure you're getting your ducks in a row?

 

This must be very hard. Stay strong!