Husband- Stepson Issue Justified?

[preraph]

He sounds like a little jerk, and good luck his father and you and that company ever getting their money back from him. I hope the company comes after him with attorneys. But if they do, guess who will pay for it -- your husband.

 

I wouldn't have anything else to do with him. He made a mountain out of a molehill. You were trying to help, trying to advise him and he blew up like a five-year-old, taking money from you guys the whole time. It was big of you to offer an apology where none was deserved, but don't keep doing it. Ignore him and don't invite him to things if you can avoid it. Don't make his favorite food if you do have to host him! Make something he hates. I'd be mad at your husband too. I say they both get brussel sprouts until they act like men. Yes, I'm saying be passive-aggressive because your husband put you in this position by not reaming his son about being rude to you.

 

I hope he's got his own references for this other company. If he used you for one, I'd give that some thought.

[BTDT2012]

You have learned a hard lesson here. Giving money never guarantees that the receiver will appreciate you or your gift. I understand you why you feel used and abused. I also understand how he could have felt that you were dismissing his responsibility to consider his wife's opinion.

 

 

I’m not mad about the money which I gifted freely and with love. It’s the appalling manners. While H should not and can not force stepson to stop ignoring me and being rude, I do think H should have gently said something like “my wife is very upset about this situation with you and I’d like it if you were kind to her as she is to you. “ or something to show that he doesn’t like me being treated this way.

 

 

My advice is that you disengage. Let your husband deal with his son. I am sorry that you husband refuses to take a stand. It sounds like he has unresolved issues with his son.

[Mr. Lucky]

I also understand how he could have felt that you were dismissing his responsibility to consider his wife's opinion.

 

My wife's opinion isn't going to change my need to act honorably or live up to the commitments I've made. And hopefully, I'd allow her to display that same integrity.

 

There would have been plenty of opportunities for her stepson's spouse to offer feedback and make her preferences known BEFORE he signed a contract and accepted the relo funds...

 

Mr. Lucky

[LivingWaterPlease]

Wow, your stepson is not only rude but very foolish in the way he treated you and also the company you helped him sign with. Especially after all you've done for him. I can understand your feelings about the situation.

 

On the bright side, in your place I believe I'd be glad he reneged on the contract and doesn't work with your company since he's obviously a rude jerk and would be bringing that aspect into your work environment where you'd be embarrassed by him time and time again! As bad as it is that he reneged it seems to me it's the lesser of two evils, him reneging and him actually following through!

 

Just greet him graciously when you see him at family functions and then make yourself as scarce as possible to him for the remainder of the event. And remember that it's not because of who you are that he's treated you this way. It's because of who he is. A person who would behave this way toward you would definitely do it to others.

[PhillyLibertyBelle]

I think you’re right I dodged a bullet but my reputation took a serious hit.

 

What is even more upsetting is that apparently he said some horrific things to his dad (my H) about me, which after my H reviewed my correspondence with SS concluded that his son had lied as well as been unspeakably cruel to me.

 

However my H is conflict avoidant and has not corrected his son on his behaviour. I’d never get in the way of that relationship but I believe since he said the horrible things about me that my H could say something like “you’re language regarding stepmom and the cruel and untrue things you said were very hurtful to me and to her. We are respectful to you and your wife, please reciprocate in kind”

 

But H has done / said absolutely nothing to him.

 

If my H lets his son run over me and abuse me and not set boundaries I do not want to stay in the marriage.

 

 

 

 

Wow, your stepson is not only rude but very foolish in the way he treated you and also the company you helped him sign with. Especially after all you've done for him. I can understand your feelings about the situation.

 

On the bright side, in your place I believe I'd be glad he reneged on the contract and doesn't work with your company since he's obviously a rude jerk and would be bringing that aspect into your work environment where you'd be embarrassed by him time and time again! As bad as it is that he reneged it seems to me it's the lesser of two evils, him reneging and him actually following through!

 

Just greet him graciously when you see him at family functions and then make yourself as scarce as possible to him for the remainder of the event. And remember that it's not because of who you are that he's treated you this way. It's because of who he is. A person who would behave this way toward you would definitely do it to others.

[JuneL]

Just curious: What was your relationship with the stepson and his wife like before this incident? I dunno, I find the amount of $$ you’re throwing his way baffling. For starters, it shouldn’t cost 5k per trip to look at another location within the country. Let’s say the tickets for both cost as much as 1k; shouldn’t they be extremely frugal in terms of accommodation, considering their financial situation? A modest air b&b room for a few days, plus food and transportation expenses should cost no more than another 1k.

 

I would be surprised if he doesn’t return the advanced relocation money. I still take the view that it’s good for everybody that he didn’t join your company. I’ve personally witnessed cases in which job candidates reneged once a better offer came up (including an Ivy League tenure-track faculty job). It might cause the original department some inconvenience, but as I said above, a good department has no problem hiring a good fit and the last thing it wants is someone who joins the department reluctantly. In a sense, it also means your recommendation was good, as he was competitive enough to have a better offer (to him anyway).

 

That said, I’m in no way discounting the stepson’s entitled behaviors. But there seems to be much going on besides reneging on the accepted job. His dad certainly treats him like a kid for providing him with so much $$. Many people don’t have a rich dad, and yet they survive their job loss intact. This kid needs some growing up to do and the dad needs to be more hands off. Perhaps the dad tries to overcompensate for not being there for him before.

[PhillyLibertyBelle]

Just curious: What was your relationship with the stepson and his wife like before this incident? I dunno, I find the amount of $$ you’re throwing his way baffling. For starters, it shouldn’t cost 5k per trip to look at another location within the country. Let’s say the tickets for both cost as much as 1k; shouldn’t they be extremely frugal in terms of accommodation, considering their financial situation? A modest air b&b room for a few days, plus food and transportation expenses should cost no more than another 1k.

 

That said, I’m in no way discounting the stepson’s entitled behaviors. But there seems to be much going on besides reneging on the accepted job. His dad certainly treats him like a kid for providing him with so much $$. Many people don’t have a rich dad, and yet they survive their job loss intact. This kid needs some growing up to do and the dad needs to be more hands off. Perhaps the dad tries to overcompensate for not being there for him before.

 

This exactly. H is a millionaire and both stepchildren play him like a fiddle. It’s not my place to intervene as it’s his money but it’s appalling when they tell him

F-you and worse. Guilt is the great motivator!

[LivingWaterPlease]

I think you’re right I dodged a bullet but my reputation took a serious hit.

 

What is even more upsetting is that apparently he said some horrific things to his dad (my H) about me, which after my H reviewed my correspondence with SS concluded that his son had lied as well as been unspeakably cruel to me.

 

However my H is conflict avoidant and has not corrected his son on his behaviour. I’d never get in the way of that relationship but I believe since he said the horrible things about me that my H could say something like “you’re language regarding stepmom and the cruel and untrue things you said were very hurtful to me and to her. We are respectful to you and your wife, please reciprocate in kind”

 

But H has done / said absolutely nothing to him.

 

If my H lets his son run over me and abuse me and not set boundaries I do not want to stay in the marriage.

 

Another poster mentioned talking with some of the folks whose opinions you are most concerned about at your company. Is that something that may help? Most of us have a relative or two that has disappointed us and perhaps you can explain your own disappointment and surprise with your stepson's choices?

 

As for your H, I'm not sure what to say. I'd hate to see your stepson's poor behavior come between you and your H and the future you have together.

[PhillyLibertyBelle]

Another poster mentioned talking with some of the folks whose opinions you are most concerned about at your company. Is that something that may help? Most of us have a relative or two that has disappointed us and perhaps you can explain your own disappointment and surprise with your stepson's choices?

 

As for your H, I'm not sure what to say. I'd hate to see your stepson's poor behavior come between you and your H and the future you have together.

 

I think I have smoothed over the work situation as best as can be hoped for, which is a huge relief.

 

The stepson thing gets more serious and uncomfortable by the minute. His new stance is that he will “consider@ if he will let H and me be in his and his family’s lives in the future. Meaning: if H is with me stepson will likely shun him. It’s unbelievable especially considering (he doesn’t know this) as I have no children of my own so he stood to inherit my whole estate. Not as sizeable as my H but certainly enough to enable a very early retirement. I changed my will today.

 

Maybe this is old fashioned but I don’t think it’s proper or acceptable for adult children to cuss their parents out. I feel let down by H and hurt too.

[d0nnivain]

I'm glad you got the work situation fixed.

 

Now you need to smooth things over with DH. Do not let step son poison your marriage. Tell DH that you want him to continue to interact with his own kids but that you prefer not to. Tell him you fear SS will sabotage the marriage & ask what DH wants as the resolution. You just stay away from SS & the grandkids & never speak about them again.

[Mr. Lucky]

ask what DH wants as the resolution

 

I think this is the key and it also holds his feet to the fire a little bit. He may be conflict avoidant, but this is one he can run but can't hide from.

 

For him, in this instance, not doing anything is the same as doing something...

 

Mr. Lucky

[PhillyLibertyBelle]

I think this is the key and it also holds his feet to the fire a little bit. He may be conflict avoidant, but this is one he can run but can't hide from.

 

For him, in this instance, not doing anything is the same as doing something...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

He wants to wait it out for his son “to come to his senses “ H hasn’t chastised him at all.

[PhillyLibertyBelle]

I'm glad you got the work situation fixed.

 

Now you need to smooth things over with DH. Do not let step son poison your marriage. Tell DH that you want him to continue to interact with his own kids but that you prefer not to. Tell him you fear SS will sabotage the marriage & ask what DH wants as the resolution. You just stay away from SS & the grandkids & never speak about them again.

 

 

Why should I smooth things over? I didn’t do anything,

[Mr. Lucky]

He wants to wait it out for his son “to come to his senses “ H hasn’t chastised him at all.

 

That would be doing nothing, which in this case means doing something harmful to you. I'm curious what your H would deem a level of mistreatment that would require his intervention?

 

Mr. Lucky

[PhillyLibertyBelle]

That would be doing nothing, which in this case means doing something harmful to you. I'm curious what your H would deem a level of mistreatment that would require his intervention?

 

Mr. Lucky

 

 

 

Mr. Lucky you hit it exactly. I don’t think there is anything his son could do or say to me that would make H act on my behalf. I clearly hold no position in the family, his children do, I’m just a lodger! It was my belief that a H&W should protect each other, partner together and respect each other which isn’t the case. I’m pretty over it and I think as nothing is invested in me that I should respond in kind and bid farewell to this nonsense and move on with my life elsewhere because this feels abusive to me. Thank you.

[d0nnivain]

Why should I smooth things over? I didn’t do anything,

 

 

Not with the son, with your husband. If you want to preserve your marriage somebody has to make the 1st move to make sure you two are OK IF he thinks you are pushing him away from his kids, he may walk

[JuneL]

How long have you been married? Since you originally put the stepson’s name in your will, I assume your relationship before this incident was reasonably good? How is your relationship with your stepdaughter? Why did you feel the need to send flowers after the stepson igonred your messages? I’m trying to understand your family dynamics...

 

Another thing: I’m not sure it’s such a great idea to recommend a direct family member for a position in your company. Do you think he got the job partly because of your connections instead of purely due to his own qualifications?

[PhillyLibertyBelle]

Not with the son, with your husband. If you want to preserve your marriage somebody has to make the 1st move to make sure you two are OK IF he thinks you are pushing him away from his kids, he may walk

 

I’d never push H away from his children. I think H should have have told his son it’s fine for soon not to like me or be angry at me but cursing me upside down and being rude and disrespectful is not ok.

[PhillyLibertyBelle]

How long have you been married? Since you originally put the stepson’s name in your will, I assume your relationship before this incident was reasonably good? How is your relationship with your stepdaughter? Why did you feel the need to send flowers after the stepson igonred your messages? I’m trying to understand your family dynamics...

 

Another thing: I’m not sure it’s such a great idea to recommend a direct family member for a position in your company. Do you think he got the job partly because of your connections instead of purely due to his own qualifications?

 

Hi June just to add a bit of vague context for anonymity

 

M less than 3 years

H in his 60’s wealthy from family money but also career

Me 18 years younger quite affluent from career & no children of my own

SD late 20’s currently a psychiatric inpatient for the 7th time I’m aware of

SS no relationship with H for 11 years until I entered the picture

SS very intelligent terrible job history long term unemployed and he did NOT get the job on his own merit

 

Obviously one can never know what someone else is thinking however SS wife apparently didn’t want him to take the role I facilitated but kept it secret and when I expressed surprise at the fact a contract and relo was agreed and then SS bailed with days to go he took it as a personal affront against his wife. I can’t think of any other reason.

[JuneL]

There may be a lot of unresolved resentment on the part of the stepson. I think the oldest daughter of Steve Jobs (the one with his first unmarried gf) just wrote a book about their relationship. Jobs denied paternity at first and was barely involved in her early life and paid minimal child support (ordered by court). Although she did move in with Jobs during her high school years and he was trying to be her father again when she was older, it seemed that they never fully reconciled.

 

I am not sure if the history between the stepson and your husband plays a role in all this. I would speculate that there must be a reason for the stepson’s mother to suddenly pack up her kids and move to her hometown far away from her husband.

 

Hi June just to add a bit of vague context for anonymity

 

M less than 3 years

H in his 60’s wealthy from family money but also career

Me 18 years younger quite affluent from career & no children of my own

SD late 20’s currently a psychiatric inpatient for the 7th time I’m aware of

SS no relationship with H for 11 years until I entered the picture

SS very intelligent terrible job history long term unemployed and he did NOT get the job on his own merit

 

Obviously one can never know what someone else is thinking however SS wife apparently didn’t want him to take the role I facilitated but kept it secret and when I expressed surprise at the fact a contract and relo was agreed and then SS bailed with days to go he took it as a personal affront against his wife. I can’t think of any other reason.

[BTDT2012]

Did your stepson say things to you, or about you? Your husband doesn't want to alienate his ungrateful son. Only you can decide whether this is something that you can live with.

 

 

 

I'm glad you were able to smooth over the work situation.

[d0nnivain]

I’d never push H away from his children. I think H should have have told his son it’s fine for soon not to like me or be angry at me but cursing me upside down and being rude and disrespectful is not ok.

 

 

I don't think you would. I fear that your SS may poison you husband's mind & make him think you are interfering.

 

I also agree that your husband should have stuck up for you but he didn't.

 

somebody has to be the peacemaker here. If not you, then who?

[bene]

It’s hard to see the whole dynamics and history from a few forum posts. The whole situation sounds like there is some resentment and unresolved issues in the background. It strikes me as odd though that you are so involved in your adult stepson’s career. It’s not like helping someone to find their first summer job or internship, he’s a grown man. It almost sounds like him having a job in a certain company means more to you than to him and they might be OK with less.

 

It’s reasonable to give career advice and share you expertise when asked. But I would have avoided the whole situation where he has to answer to you about his choices later or where you put your reputation on the line. I would just step away and let his father support him if necessary.

[PhillyLibertyBelle]

It’s hard to see the whole dynamics and history from a few forum posts. The whole situation sounds like there is some resentment and unresolved issues in the background. It strikes me as odd though that you are so involved in your adult stepson’s career. It’s not like helping someone to find their first summer job or internship, he’s a grown man. It almost sounds like him having a job in a certain company means more to you than to him and they might be OK with less.

 

It’s reasonable to give career advice and share you expertise when asked. But I would have avoided the whole situation where he has to answer to you about his choices later or where you put your reputation on the line. I would just step away and let his father support him if necessary.

 

I didn’t care what company he went into, his joblessness meant we were paying the majority of the SS bills which were in the region of $5,000 a month. The choice of company was merely down to where I had influence. I would have had no business association with him as his job would have been in LA and I’m thousands of miles away. As for his father supporting him, in our marriage we pool our resources and my H specifically asked if I could help SS find a job since he was unable to find one for himself for months. It was my H who also thought me helping would lend itself to a happy blended family and show my investment in SS. So you’re mistaken about some weird desire on my part to have him in my company.

[PhillyLibertyBelle]

I don't think you would. I fear that your SS may poison you husband's mind & make him think you are interfering.

 

I also agree that your husband should have stuck up for you but he didn't.

 

somebody has to be the peacemaker here. If not you, then who?

 

Hi D

 

I tried as you suggested and my H response was that all he would do was to reiterate to SS that he loved him and would NOT bring up his bad behaviour because he didn’t want to alienate his son by seeming to be against him and that SS is HIS family and I am merely his W. That tells me that I am NOT a part of the family in my husband’s eyes and merely just an interloper and that I’ll never be on equal footing with other blood relatives and my feelings matter less than everyone else’s.

 

If H doesn’t come to his senses by end of Aug I will leave and file for D. The way I look at second marriages is that even though I am not their mother I should treat them with love and respect and if they are a member of the family whilst not intervening between the Stepchildren and the bio parents.

 

Apparently my H doesn’t feel the same.