Author PhillyLibertyBelle Posted August 14, 2018 Author Share Posted August 14, 2018 I'm so sorry to read this, PLB. Am praying he will change his mind about this situation. It doesn’t seem so. It’s been weeks and H said if he speaks to him it will be face to face in a few months! Link to post Share on other sites
Author PhillyLibertyBelle Posted August 14, 2018 Author Share Posted August 14, 2018 I guess I am so perplexed. If you hurt someone why would you keep them hurting for months until you were ready to deal with it? Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted August 15, 2018 Share Posted August 15, 2018 Hello all H spoke to me this morning. He told me he loved me but that he wouldn’t chastise his son as he’s a grown man and can say what Elbe likes. Simply destroying! Your husband has rocks in his head. This is going to be a dumb analogy but my adult son doesn't like my dog. My dog is high energy and strong willed and can be a handful at times and my son just doesn't care for him. That's fine, he doesn't have to like my dog, but one day he said something really mean about my dog to my face and I let him know right then and there that I would not accept that kind of talk about someone I love and he better not ever say anything like that again to me. And he hasn't. Of course your husband cannot control your stepsons feelings or words but he should expect his son to speak respectfully to him when talking about you. He should not tolerate anybody calling you names to his face simply on the basis that he loves you. It actually has nothing to do with hierarchy or who is more valuable (although I do think a spouse should come before an adult child) as I happen to love my sons more than I love my dog. However I also expect my sons to love me enough to be respectful of my feelings for my dog and anyone else I love. Link to post Share on other sites
Author PhillyLibertyBelle Posted August 16, 2018 Author Share Posted August 16, 2018 My SS has told my H to get rid of me. I’m just so sad. Link to post Share on other sites
Author PhillyLibertyBelle Posted August 17, 2018 Author Share Posted August 17, 2018 Thanks for all the advice and prayers. I decided to leave my H. If he doesn’t value me as a W or our M and instead lets his adult SS dictate his life is not a M. I am just stunned. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted August 17, 2018 Share Posted August 17, 2018 So sorry to hear. Is your H surprised that things have escalated to this level? Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author PhillyLibertyBelle Posted August 17, 2018 Author Share Posted August 17, 2018 So sorry to hear. Is your H surprised that things have escalated to this level? Mr. Lucky No he isn’t. As he said he’s children are his blood and I’m only a second wife Link to post Share on other sites
Author PhillyLibertyBelle Posted August 17, 2018 Author Share Posted August 17, 2018 So sorry to hear. Is your H surprised that things have escalated to this level? Mr. Lucky Maybe this is old fashioned because I am older but in my vows I said love honor respect protect in sickness and in health forsaking all others for as long as I shall live. And I actually meant it! Link to post Share on other sites
Author PhillyLibertyBelle Posted August 17, 2018 Author Share Posted August 17, 2018 H main concern is SS will cut him off and if SS and hie W ever have children that he won’t get to know his grandchildren.6 years of trying and 4 rounds of IVF seems unlikely plus with the amount of cash H gives both children being cut off seems very unlikely. SD is crying and crying because she says I’m the only one who is nice to her and hugs her. That broke my heart. Link to post Share on other sites
Author PhillyLibertyBelle Posted August 25, 2018 Author Share Posted August 25, 2018 Update: I suggested family therapy. SS won’t go Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted August 25, 2018 Share Posted August 25, 2018 What about your husband? Would he go and/or put some pressure on SS to participate? Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author PhillyLibertyBelle Posted August 26, 2018 Author Share Posted August 26, 2018 (edited) What about your husband? Would he go and/or put some pressure on SS to participate? Mr. Lucky He goes to IC. H stance is as follows: my children are my blood and what they want comes before you Belle Who isn’t actual family. Edited to add SS has been arrested on 4 different domestic violence charges in 3 states where H got him off 3 times but the one time he had to pay a fine. Edited August 26, 2018 by PhillyLibertyBelle Link to post Share on other sites
Author PhillyLibertyBelle Posted August 26, 2018 Author Share Posted August 26, 2018 Did you notice H went to seminary and his first job was a minister!! Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted August 26, 2018 Share Posted August 26, 2018 Edited to add SS has been arrested on 4 different domestic violence charges in 3 states where H got him off 3 times but the one time he had to pay a fine. So, your husband has proven in the past that he has enabled his son and tolerated his poor behavior. Nothing about his current stance should surprise you. Link to post Share on other sites
JuneL Posted August 26, 2018 Share Posted August 26, 2018 Did the police press charges? And his violent background doesn’t affect AT&T amd Groupon’s hiring decisions? Link to post Share on other sites
Author PhillyLibertyBelle Posted August 27, 2018 Author Share Posted August 27, 2018 So, your husband has proven in the past that he has enabled his son and tolerated his poor behavior. Nothing about his current stance should surprise you. You’re right of course but it still hurts and I had hope of a different outcome Link to post Share on other sites
JuneL Posted August 27, 2018 Share Posted August 27, 2018 Did the police press charges? And his violent background doesn’t affect AT&T amd Groupon’s hiring decisions? Does he have more “skeletons in the closet” that you haven’t mentioned? It seems that the more upset you’re about your discussions with your hubby on the stepson issues, the worse the skeletons of his that you mentioned here. Given his many skeletons and how much you have complained about your husband’s enabling behaviors here, it’s likely that your stepson had sensed your feelings toward him way before this job incident. That said, if my husband told me I was JUST his wife, I would kick him to the curb. Link to post Share on other sites
Author PhillyLibertyBelle Posted August 27, 2018 Author Share Posted August 27, 2018 Did the police press charges? And his violent background doesn’t affect AT&T amd Groupon’s hiring decisions? This was before my time butbehat I have been told is: one gf refused to press charges so that didn’t have a consequence. The others all happened in different states and H hired some super lawyers and he had to pay fines. If it’s true or not who knows. Neither AT&T or Groupon background check picked if up but you have to sign a code of conduct/ethics and obviously that’s been violated. Link to post Share on other sites
beatcuff Posted September 2, 2018 Share Posted September 2, 2018 This was before my time butbehat I have been told is: one gf refused to press charges so that didn’t have a consequence. The others all happened in different states and H hired some super lawyers and he had to pay fines. If it’s true or not who knows.this started as 'he refused my help', then money, then words and now... Neither AT&T or Groupon background check picked if up but you have to sign a code of conduct/ethics and obviously that’s been violated.most if not all states, mine included, do not allow companies to even ask and therefore certainly not make hiring decision based on ARRESTS. convictions yes, arrests no. while those records are readily available they do not search them, least they can be accused of using them (exhibit 1 - current head coach of the Lions). 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author PhillyLibertyBelle Posted September 2, 2018 Author Share Posted September 2, 2018 this started as 'he refused my help', then money, then words and now... most if not all states, mine included, do not allow companies to even ask and therefore certainly not make hiring decision based on ARRESTS. convictions yes, arrests no. while those records are readily available they do not search them, least they can be accused of using them (exhibit 1 - current head coach of the Lions). He didn’t refuse my help. He accepted the job and signed a contract and relief package. That’s hardly a refusal. He also never has refused any money from anyone ever so I don’t know where you get that. I have no idea what you are referring to the Lions, but I’ll look it up. One gf didn’t press charges but the other times he had to pay fines (less than 5,000 I have been told) However even if the background check didn’t pick it up, a code of conduct/ethics must be signed which most large companies have and asking if you’ve ever been dismissed from a job (he has) or have been arrested (particularly I would think assault would be important because the company has a duty of care to keep other employees safe), he signed the code of ethics disclosing nothing . But actually this is about me loving my H and letting him do whatever he wants with his son, and wanting to try to save my marriage which is proving difficult since I’ve been told I’m not a blood relative but “just a second wife” and lack of interest in family or marriage therapy. When you’re older your opportunities to have love and a H are few and far between. Link to post Share on other sites
BTDT2012 Posted September 4, 2018 Share Posted September 4, 2018 PLB, it must be extraordinarily painful to feel that you matter so little to your husband. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
oldlion Posted September 4, 2018 Share Posted September 4, 2018 I've already told you. With all you have to offer in a relationship, you can do soooo much better. You would not believe what is out there just waiting for a woman like you. All you have to do is just look for them or just make yourself available. They will find you. I live in a small southern town ( about 5000 people). My wife has a very close friend that is 68 years old. There are at least 3 widowers trying to get into her good graces. That could be you. I do wish you well. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author PhillyLibertyBelle Posted September 4, 2018 Author Share Posted September 4, 2018 I've already told you. With all you have to offer in a relationship, you can do soooo much better. You would not believe what is out there just waiting for a woman like you. All you have to do is just look for them or just make yourself available. They will find you. I live in a small southern town ( about 5000 people). My wife has a very close friend that is 68 years old. There are at least 3 widowers trying to get into her good graces. That could be you. I do wish you well. You’re right everyone needs to be happy even H. I had an offer accepted in a different state this weekend. I’m lucky I can work almost anywhere Ange it’s near water. Don’t think I’ll date again but I’m a great friend Link to post Share on other sites
Author PhillyLibertyBelle Posted September 4, 2018 Author Share Posted September 4, 2018 PLB, it must be extraordinarily painful to feel that you matter so little to your husband. I was very blue but why beg and plead to get anyone to love you? It’s demeaning.it reminds me of the infidelity people who keep taking WS back, I love myself too much for that Link to post Share on other sites
knitwit Posted September 5, 2018 Share Posted September 5, 2018 @PhillyLibertyBelle, I have been thinking about your thread. I am so sorry you find yourself in this situation. I am going to go against the grain a bit here. I think the odds are very high that your H is going to be on the outs with his son again sometime soon, with or without you. His son has major issues, and right now you're an easy target. But it's only a matter of time before the target moves back onto his dad/your H. Don't get me wrong- your H is being a total ass. As a parent, though, I can understand him being desperate to hold onto the relationship with his son, as tenuous as it is, after all that time being estranged. It's ironic that he doesn't see your contribution to having ended that estrangement! However, given the long-standing serious difficulties the son has had maintaining any relationships (family, girlfriends, employment), I think it is going to blow up on your H sooner or later. Your H is going to find himself on the outs with his son again soon. Since you say that you want to save your marriage, I recommend thinking on how much, if any, time you are willing to give your H to return to sanity. If you want to try to stay, you can tell your H that even "only a second wife" deserves some protection from the nastiness his son is spitting out. Give your H free reign to spend time/talk with his son but leave you out of it entirely. You don't need to hear any nasty comments or have to deal with the son at all. Don't try to fix anything; let your H and his son work out their own relationship (and likely end.) It seems to me in reading your threads that overall you've been happy with your marriage- if this is the case, then it might be worth a year or two of hanging in there. Undoubtedly you will feel cooler towards your H. At the same time, this situation is not likely to be long-lasting. It's almost certainly going to blow up at some point. You're in a bad spot, and so is your H. Your H is probably not going to feel the same way about the situation in another 8 or 9 months. Ideally your H would stand up for you and tell his son off, but I think in real life it is really rare for a parent to be able to actually do it (IME adult kids are able to do this much more often and effectively). I suspect your H is going to be heartsick about his son soon. If you can stand it, you might try to consider this as a stressful time in your relationship and not the way your relationship has been historically. Try not to take your H's angry words personally- given his past as a good husband to you (if in fact he has been a good husband.) Go get your space and prioritize yourself, but this doesn't necessarily mean going straight to divorce. Unless, that is, you feel ready for divorce. If you're not sure, I recommend slowing down a bit. Whichever way you decide, I wish the best for you! Things will work out either way, it's just trying figure out which way will serve you best, yes? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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