d0nnivain Posted August 10, 2018 Share Posted August 10, 2018 I am so sorry it's going to come down to a divorce for you but I understand. I lived with a guy for over 10 years. In his mind even if we married, I'd never be his family; I'd only be his wife. That was one of the reasons we eventually separated. Before you talk to a lawyer I would encourage you to tell your husband what you just told me in front of a marriage counselor. Despite what I know of human nature I retain my optimism that marriages can be saved. Best wishes. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
JuneL Posted August 10, 2018 Share Posted August 10, 2018 It’s hard to see the whole dynamics and history from a few forum posts. The whole situation sounds like there is some resentment and unresolved issues in the background. It strikes me as odd though that you are so involved in your adult stepson’s career. It’s not like helping someone to find their first summer job or internship, he’s a grown man. It almost sounds like him having a job in a certain company means more to you than to him and they might be OK with less. It’s reasonable to give career advice and share you expertise when asked. But I would have avoided the whole situation where he has to answer to you about his choices later or where you put your reputation on the line. I would just step away and let his father support him if necessary. I think he probably doesn’t want to feel so useless as to depend on his stepmom to get his job. That’s why he took the other one. Perhaps it’s hard for him to tell you the true reason, and that’s why he chose to shut you down. Link to post Share on other sites
Author PhillyLibertyBelle Posted August 10, 2018 Author Share Posted August 10, 2018 I think he probably doesn’t want to feel so useless as to depend on his stepmom to get his job. That’s why he took the other one. Perhaps it’s hard for him to tell you the true reason, and that’s why he chose to shut you down. No he took the other one because he felt Chicago was a hipper City than LA Link to post Share on other sites
JuneL Posted August 10, 2018 Share Posted August 10, 2018 No he took the other one because he felt Chicago was a hipper City than LA Perhaps he and his wife do like Chicago more as a city, but how can you be so sure there’s no bigger underlying reason for him to take that job? Perhaps the stepson has shared with his dad things that you don’t know?? What were the things he made up about you to your husband? On the one hand, you listed how his dad paid for his college and MBA, and you jointly paid for his bills for a few months, as well as other job search related expenses (which I agree was so over the top, but it might be the norm for a rich family?); on the other hand, you also went out of your way to use your connections to get him a job in your company and participated so heavily in his job search (e.g., you even remember he got 6 versions of resumes). I agree with Bene that there’s a lot more going on in the family dynamics. Does your husband respect you in general? Link to post Share on other sites
Author PhillyLibertyBelle Posted August 10, 2018 Author Share Posted August 10, 2018 (edited) Perhaps he and his wife do like Chicago more as a city, but how can you be so sure there’s no bigger underlying reason for him to take that job? Perhaps the stepson has shared with his dad things that you don’t know?? What were the things he made up about you to your husband? On the one hand, you listed how his dad paid for his college and MBA, and you jointly paid for his bills for a few months, as well as other job search related expenses (which I agree was so over the top, but it might be the norm for a rich family?); on the other hand, you also went out of your way to use your connections to get him a job in your company and participated so heavily in his job search (e.g., you even remember he got 6 versions of resumes). I agree with Bene that there’s a lot more going on in the family dynamics. Does your husband respect you in general? So it is normal for a very affluent family and sadly one that doesn’t always yield good adult behaviours (entitlement for example) There is more to the family dynamics. SS got taken away to Canada for 19 years and my H saw them only 4 times a year. He has a lot of guilt. And per H very affluent family the method of dealing with any issues is to throw money at it. The SS has an over inflated sense of his own skill set and he chose a company with nearly $100,000 less in salary (an online ad ecom company that just lost an $83M lawsuit to IBM for patent infringement and the company went up for sale Monday) but he thought the brand name was sexier. My H changed careers at age 24 to leave the ministry and instead goo onto a different career where he is a world recognised expert and with that comes a lot of ego unfortunately Edited August 10, 2018 by PhillyLibertyBelle Spelling Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted August 10, 2018 Share Posted August 10, 2018 So it is normal for a very affluent family and sadly one that doesn’t always yield good adult behaviours (entitlement for example) Sad how those that have the most appreciate it the least. Doubt that it's much comfort but it's certainly not a phenomena limited to your family. I was also struck by your mention of your H's tendency to think $$$ the answer to all problems. I've seen the same up close myself... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
JuneL Posted August 10, 2018 Share Posted August 10, 2018 (edited) The SS has an over inflated sense of his own skill set and he chose a company with nearly $100,000 less in salary (an online ad ecom company that just lost an $83M lawsuit to IBM for patent infringement and the company went up for sale Monday) but he thought the brand name was sexier. Omg, you’re still trying to argue with his choice (albeit in your head only now). Now I understand why younger people would choose a startup like Groupon over a traditional corporation like AT&T. He’s from a very well-off family, so it’s understandable he can afford to take some risks in terms of $$. I think rich people like Warren Buffet may have a point: They would give their kids a decent sum of money so that the kids can pursue their passions and don’t have to do work they don’t like just for the sake of paying their bills. Edited August 10, 2018 by JuneL Link to post Share on other sites
Author PhillyLibertyBelle Posted August 10, 2018 Author Share Posted August 10, 2018 Omg, you’re still trying to argue with his choice (albeit in your head only now). Now I understand why younger people would choose a startup like Groupon over a traditional corporation like AT&T. He’s from a very well-off family, so it’s understandable he can afford to take some risks in terms of $$. I think rich people like Warren Buffet may have a point: They would give their kids a decent sum of money so that the kids can pursue their passions and don’t have to do work they don’t like just for the sake of paying their bills. I’m not quite sure I’m following the logic here. My H begged me to get him a job. I did. He broke a signed contract. I don’t care where he works but the deal H and I made was that we would no longer finance him. If he is happy where he is and self sufficient I’m happy for him. I’m not happy with my H making me a consolation prize. Link to post Share on other sites
LivingWaterPlease Posted August 11, 2018 Share Posted August 11, 2018 Have been checking in to see how you're doing, Philly. Do you think your H would go to counseling? Blended families are not easy for anyone! I'm not even married and have had issues with a couple of different bf's kids and also how a couple of my bf's related to my (grown) kids. If I ever remarry I think I'm going to go to a counselor before the marriage ceremony about blending our families. Would you consider trying to get your H to go? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author PhillyLibertyBelle Posted August 11, 2018 Author Share Posted August 11, 2018 Have been checking in to see how you're doing, Philly. Do you think your H would go to counseling? Blended families are not easy for anyone! I'm not even married and have had issues with a couple of different bf's kids and also how a couple of my bf's related to my (grown) kids. If I ever remarry I think I'm going to go to a counselor before the marriage ceremony about blending our families. Would you consider trying to get your H to go? LWP. You know I always love your kind thoughtful posts, we have a similar worldview. Both H and I got to IC. I’ve been going for years to a secular weekly and a Christian minister twice monthly. H has just started secular IC 5 weeks ago. All therapy when just starting is rough. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
beatcuff Posted August 11, 2018 Share Posted August 11, 2018 ...I’m not happy with my H making me a consolation prize. AAANNNDDD there it is. this has nothing to do with the job, the son or d-i-l. i asked (#14) "it appears this is a continuation of some long simmering issues". there are. it appears you are upset, frustrated or otherwise not happy with YOUR STANDING with your H. after most posts were leaning away from you (when H said 'give it time') you changed tack with H/we have paid for [numerous items] for his son. no of us will be able to answer your 'real' question: but to expect a father to turn his back on his son, not sure that will end well. hopefully you can find a compromise that will be acceptable to both of you (H/W). 2 Link to post Share on other sites
JuneL Posted August 11, 2018 Share Posted August 11, 2018 I find it odd the ex-wife could just take the kids and move them away to Canada, far away from their dad, unless of course the dad himself preferred to see his kids just a few times per year. Link to post Share on other sites
Author PhillyLibertyBelle Posted August 11, 2018 Author Share Posted August 11, 2018 AAANNNDDD there it is. this has nothing to do with the job, the son or d-i-l. i asked (#14) "it appears this is a continuation of some long simmering issues". there are. it appears you are upset, frustrated or otherwise not happy with YOUR STANDING with your H. after most posts were leaning away from you (when H said 'give it time') you changed tack with H/we have paid for [numerous items] for his son. no of us will be able to answer your 'real' question: but to expect a father to turn his back on his son, not sure that will end well. hopefully you can find a compromise that will be acceptable to both of you (H/W). I certainly don’t want my H to turn his back on either of his children. I do think if my SS calls me a C among other things my H should say, you’re entitled to feel however you like but I do not want you to use that language about my W. Please use less abusive language. And I want you to know that I am very good to both the children including going to see SD in hospital every 2 days when H goes about once every 2 weeks. You are barking up the wrong tree. Link to post Share on other sites
Author PhillyLibertyBelle Posted August 11, 2018 Author Share Posted August 11, 2018 I find it odd the ex-wife could just take the kids and move them away to Canada, far away from their dad, unless of course the dad himself preferred to see his kids just a few times per year. I wasn’t there then so I only have anecdotal information but whilst my husband was on a business trip she took the children who are dual citizens back to her parents family farm. I do know my H did visit and had them each summer but I don’t know more than that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author PhillyLibertyBelle Posted August 11, 2018 Author Share Posted August 11, 2018 AAANNNDDD there it is. this has nothing to do with the job, the son or d-i-l. i asked (#14) "it appears this is a continuation of some long simmering issues". there are. it appears you are upset, frustrated or otherwise not happy with YOUR STANDING with your H. after most posts were leaning away from you (when H said 'give it time') you changed tack with H/we have paid for [numerous items] for his son. no of us will be able to answer your 'real' question: but to expect a father to turn his back on his son, not sure that will end well. hopefully you can find a compromise that will be acceptable to both of you (H/W). Would you be ok with a family member calling your wife a B, C, too young for you etc and not asking them to stop? Link to post Share on other sites
BTDT2012 Posted August 11, 2018 Share Posted August 11, 2018 Would you be ok with a family member calling your wife a B, C, too young for you etc and not asking them to stop? Did he say these things to you? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author PhillyLibertyBelle Posted August 11, 2018 Author Share Posted August 11, 2018 Did he say these things to you? He said it to my H within my earshot. Link to post Share on other sites
LivingWaterPlease Posted August 12, 2018 Share Posted August 12, 2018 LWP. You know I always love your kind thoughtful posts, we have a similar worldview. Both H and I got to IC. I’ve been going for years to a secular weekly and a Christian minister twice monthly. H has just started secular IC 5 weeks ago. All therapy when just starting is rough. So glad to get this update, PLB! I've had a busy day but signed in tonight to see if you'd posted. It's good news to read you're both in IC. And, yes, it can be tough but is so good your H is going! Hopefully with some time in IC he'll begin to see things differently. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author PhillyLibertyBelle Posted August 12, 2018 Author Share Posted August 12, 2018 So glad to get this update, PLB! I've had a busy day but signed in tonight to see if you'd posted. It's good news to read you're both in IC. And, yes, it can be tough but is so good your H is going! Hopefully with some time in IC he'll begin to see things differently. The therapist called it guilty father syndrome/ permissive parenting. Please keep me in your prayers x 1 Link to post Share on other sites
LivingWaterPlease Posted August 12, 2018 Share Posted August 12, 2018 LWP. You know I always love your kind thoughtful posts, we have a similar worldview. Both H and I got to IC. I’ve been going for years to a secular weekly and a Christian minister twice monthly. H has just started secular IC 5 weeks ago. All therapy when just starting is rough. The therapist called it guilty father syndrome/ permissive parenting. Please keep me in your prayers x Will do. Am sending you a pm. Link to post Share on other sites
oldlion Posted August 12, 2018 Share Posted August 12, 2018 While reading your thread I got angry on your behalf. When my son was about 16 he got angry with his mother over something and told me that he just wanted to hit her. I looked him straight in the eye and told him, "She's mine. If you ever touch her in anger I will break both your arms." I love my son and would willingly die in his place. But my wife is part of me. I will not let anyone call her names or disrespect her. Did you husband actually say he was his son and you were MERLY his wife? You should have nailed him to the wall right then. I apologize in advance if this bothers you but I would say your stepson is an entitled jerk and your husband is a wimp. You can do sooo much better. I do wish you well. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author PhillyLibertyBelle Posted August 13, 2018 Author Share Posted August 13, 2018 Hello all H spoke to me this morning. He told me he loved me but that he wouldn’t chastise his son as he’s a grown man and can say what Elbe likes. Simply destroying! Link to post Share on other sites
oldlion Posted August 13, 2018 Share Posted August 13, 2018 He chooses his entitled, rude and obnoxious son over you. Dear lady, you can do sooooo much better. I do wish you well. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Poutrew Posted August 14, 2018 Share Posted August 14, 2018 Hello all H spoke to me this morning. He told me he loved me but that he wouldn’t chastise his son as he’s a grown man and can say what Elbe likes. Simply destroying! Deep down, you know your husband isn't correcting his son because he thinks he has done nothing wrong. He isn't going to let you , a bed warmer, mess up his relationship with his kids. The only thing worse would be if he secretly agrees with his son and wishes you would just 'shut up and mind your place'... at least now you know that in this man's life, you are just a piece of furniture... Link to post Share on other sites
LivingWaterPlease Posted August 14, 2018 Share Posted August 14, 2018 Hello all H spoke to me this morning. He told me he loved me but that he wouldn’t chastise his son as he’s a grown man and can say what Elbe likes. Simply destroying! I'm so sorry to read this, PLB. Am praying he will change his mind about this situation. Link to post Share on other sites
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