I am annoyed with my boyfriends ex

[JuneL]

Should not have brought it up.

 

He came over today and it escalated into an argument and then he left.

 

I am pretty sad about it.

 

Sorry to hear that. Care to elaborate?

[Els]

Should not have brought it up.

 

He came over today and it escalated into an argument and then he left.

 

I am pretty sad about it.

 

 

How exactly did you bring it up? Did you follow the general advice to do it in a non accusatory manner?

[GoreSP]

My boyfriends ex girlfriend is constantly texting him.

She’s depressed and has some physical liabilities that forced her to stop working and living with her parents again.

 

She’s currently in a very bad place and has almost no friends.

Thus she is seeking my boyfriends comfort often.

It has happened a few times now that i am sitting on the couch with my boyfriend and he shows me something on his phone whilst a text of his ex pops up.

He realizes i am annoyed with it but he’s not really doing anything about it.

It’s starting to really irritate me.

On the one hand i feel bad for her and i understand how he may feel guilty if he doesn’t provide her with some sort of comfort.

On the other hand i wish she’d just disappear for good and stop interacting with him when she’s feeling bad. This makes me feel like a terrible person.

 

obviously i can’t tell him to stop contact with her, so what do i do?

I am trying to suck it up but i find it hard to deal with.

 

I am not jealous of her (except the fact she got to spend a significant amount of time with him, where as i am only with him for a year now), and i don’t see her as a threat, but i am highly irritated by her and i feel super uncomfortable by her being on the radar in any shape or form.

 

What would you do if you were me?

 

I have been in your shows very recently and I know exactly how you feel. You are not a horrible person and it's perfectly normal to feel this way.

 

I'm sorry to say the discomfort will not go away, it will only get worse - especially if he isn't doing anything about the fact it bothers you and this is what bothers me the most about this post.

You are his girlfriend. You've been with him for a year so I'm assuming you are serious. You get to be with someone who respects you and your feelings,

 

Unless they have children together, he should set boundaries with the ex.

[preraph]

If you were that precious to him, he wouldn't be taking a chance making you upset. So his ex is also important to him, enough that it's not something he wants to choose about.

[Noproblem]

I don't see the problem with him texting his ex!

 

Why would it bother you? Don't you trust him, don't you have confidence in your self?

 

I actually would not respect him if he ignored his couple of 15 years old! Who would not help someone whom he lived with for 10 years? Only the worst kind of people would do that!

 

 

Anyway. Try to be in the picture! You can all meet in a public place! Just so she knows, that you are in the picture and not threatened by her!

 

and Yeah I agree with a previous post that told you about taking the advice with a grain of salt.

 

as most of the comments are Americanized opinions where a girlfriend or boyfriend is a god until the relationship is over, then they become a trash that should be discarded.

Edited June 28, 2018 by Noproblem

[Gaeta]

So sorry Heaven, please give us details on how it unfolded.

[Adiron]

It turned into an argument because your boyfriend turned it into one.

 

 

You don't know that.

[heavenonearth]

It's unfortunate.

 

 

The conversation was great at first, he was super understanding, open and affectionate and reassuring when I asked him about the last contact he had with his ex, and what it was about. He elaborated a lot.

I then said I needed more transparency regarding some things, and asked if he could tell me before he meets her the next time.

He said he won't do it, because the last time he did that, I went overboard with anxiety and jealousy (True. This was sometime in November).

I told him that if he only tells me afterwards, it makes me feel like he is hiding something, hence strengthening my anxiety.

 

He then said that he just wants to prevent unnecessary confrontation, and he will always tell me when he sees her, just not beforehand.

I told him that I did not like that, even though in my mind I had already accepted, ok, this is how much I can get from him regarding this, and regarding transparency... but I noticed he was getting hostile, likely thinking I was dissatisfied with the result of this 'talk' and NOT acceptant of it.

I got teary eyed, because it made me sad he was not being reassuring and affectionate anymore (happens quickly with me.. i immediately think something is wrong = anxiety). He took it as me not accepting what he said.

 

Long story short, he got mad. He said I am not trusting him, and that it hurts him. he said it's ok I brought up his ex, he does not mind reassuring me, but I can't demand things from him that are ultimately not going to solve my real issues.

 

I got up to make us dinner, crying a bit.

That's when he said he'd leave.

Of course things got a bit dramatic then.

He was really riled up and I got really anxious, because I did not want him to leave.

 

Mind he had just driven 1 hour 40 minutes through rush hour just to spend the evening with me....

 

He left nevertheless, leaving me with an opened bottle of wine and uncooked groceries. I immediately felt very abandoned.

 

Well, the way I see it, the reason we had this altercation, was because he doesn't understand my anxiety.

It truly comes down to the fact that he cannot fathom the seriousness of my anxiety disorder. He says we should take some time to relax and we can talk about this tomorrow, etc etc... (because he thinks it is not good to solve something when we're both agitated)

All the while I am here bawling my eyes out because I am so scared he will leave me.

 

We have been together for a year and this is the second time we had an argument or confrontation and then he left.

The other time we argued and he left was in January, but he came back an hour later and we talked about it and everything was fine.

 

This time he left and went home.

He texted me later on when he arrived, and he said he had to stop the car because he was crying. He said he felt terrible about getting mad, and wants to talk about it tomorrow and come over the day after.

 

For him, it is a matter of us 'calming down' and then have a rational conversation about stuff. For me, it is very hard to deal with the fact that he left my home after an argument. It strengthens my abandonment anxiety to a level I can hardly endure. I always want to talk everything out right away.

Perhaps this would have been less dramatic if it wasn't for the distance between our houses.

 

Right now I just feel very abandoned and left alone.

It's so frustrating to me because I feel if he knew the severity of my symptoms, how physically sick I feel to my stomach every time I have an anxiety attack... I feel he'd be MUCH MORE empathetic towards me.

 

 

He just called to say I should not worry and he loves me.

He says he feels I don't trust him and it frustrates him a lot.

 

I know when we talk tomorrow it will be ok.

But I really hate how sometimes he can get so riled up and how much I am dependent on his reassurance.

 

Clarification: I trust HIM. He does not believe I do, due to my anxiety. I have a great anxiety of being left alone. It has nothing to do with him. It's a natural state I am in. I feel this way about EVERYONE in my life.

[Adiron]

For me, it is very hard to deal with the fact that he left my home after an argument. It strengthens my abandonment anxiety to a level I can hardly endure.

 

 

Your response is not unreasonable. Him leaving without dealing with the issue is irresponsible, immature, and inconsiderate. You really need to think this through. You want to be with this guy for years, and everytime there's a disagreement he simply disappears?

 

 

I wouldn't put up with the continued ex involvement either. Consider making a stand. "There's nothing to discuss, argue, or negotiate, either she's out or I'm out"

[JuneL]

Very sorry you’re hurting. What was the last argument that led to his leaving about? The key here is, your bf doesn’t think he’s too involved in the ex’s life. He already told you there can’t be complete transparency as there’s going to be too much drama due to your jealousy and anxiety.

[heavenonearth]

Very sorry you’re hurting. What was the last argument that led to his leaving about? The key here is, your bf doesn’t think he’s too involved in the ex’s life. He already told you there can’t be complete transparency as there’s going to be too much drama due to your jealousy and anxiety.

 

I don't remember what the last argument was about, it was half a year ago.

[heavenonearth]

Your response is not unreasonable. Him leaving without dealing with the issue is irresponsible, immature, and inconsiderate. You really need to think this through. You want to be with this guy for years, and everytime there's a disagreement he simply disappears?

 

 

I wouldn't put up with the continued ex involvement either. Consider making a stand. "There's nothing to discuss, argue, or negotiate, either she's out or I'm out"

 

 

He left twice in the time frame of one year during arguments.

That's enough to increase my anxiety, but it's not that he leaves every time there is a disagreement.

We disagree on things every now and then - usually, we are good at talking things through in a mature manner.

 

I agree, though, that it was inconsiderate that he left today. It really hurt me.

[Happy Lemming]

You don't know that.

 

It was an educated guess based on previous threads and posts by "Heaven"

 

My hypothesis was confirmed by "Heaven's" posting of the conversation.

 

My logic flow was "Heaven" was asking for something completely reasonable and the boyfriend did not wish to comply. So, he did what all humans do when they don't wish to comply with a reasonable request, escalate the discussion to an argument and/or leave.

 

"Heaven's" boyfriend does not wish to give up this communication/relationship with his ex-girlfriend and is defending his position by escalating the situation to an argument, then he left. In my opinion, this is cause for concern.

 

I remember one time I was arguing with a very intelligent woman, I had been dating for a while. She pointed out the flaw in my logic trail, she was correct, I was wrong and I apologized. I learned a valuable lesson that day and now attempt to see a person's logic trail in their position.

[No_Go]

Heaven, it's not the end of the world, but you both acted a bit out of reasonable. There was no point for you to continue to ask when they'll meet after he told you exactly why he doesn't want you to know. He shouldn't have left - I'd be very pissed if my BF did that, at least good he called to apologize soon after.

 

How often do you argue and how do you usually resolve the situation? Tears and leaving is not a great way to do it....

 

For the ex, now he knows you're jealous which sucks because he may try to do it in secret to avoid confrontation :/ Best advice I think is to hold off as much as you can steering the waters before the things calm down. Hopefully he'll take a note and also cut down on contact with her.

[Happy Lemming]

For the ex, now he knows you're jealous which sucks because he may try to do it in secret to avoid confrontation :/ Best advice I think is to hold off as much as you can steering the waters before the things calm down. Hopefully he'll take a note and also cut down on contact with her.

 

The thing I don't understand is... there is no need for him to communicate with the ex-girlfriend. "Heaven" stated that they wrapped up all of their "business dealings" and "community property" issues, they had no kids together, so what it there to talk about. Anything that needed to be said, would have been said during the 15 year relationship.

 

Is the boyfriend getting some enjoyment talking to his ex-girlfriend and why?? Is this ex-girlfriend a "just in case" things don't work out with "Heaven"?? Why is he keeping the ex in his back pocket?? Especially, when he knows it upsets "Heaven"; quite frankly it would upset me if my long term girlfriend were communicating with an ex on a regular basis.

 

"Heaven" has a good point when she stated, that the ex-girlfriend had him for 15 years and now it is her turn. Her turn 100% without interlopers!!

 

Scratching my head on this one??

[BaileyB]

Forgive me, I'm coming late to the party... but, do you think he would consider talking to a counsellor or a minister or someone? Just an hour or two to help you better understand the others feelings and to negotiate a compromise related to his desire to keep contact with his ex and your need to feel reassured about his ex. I would also respectfully suggest that a counsellor could help you to develop an understanding of what you need related to communication and conflict resolution. it may be the single best thing you could do for your relationship, looking long term.

[BaileyB]

The thing I don't understand is... there is no need for him to communicate with the ex-girlfriend.

 

No, there is not.

 

Although, I can certainly appreciate that he may not want to end all contact with his ex girlfriend, the simple fact that he persists with this contact despite the fact that you have expressed your displeasure is concerning. That is not showing respect or consideration for your feelings.

 

My boyfriend maintains frequent contact with his ex, because they co-parent a child... She is quite inappropriate with her communications at times, but he maintains such clear boundaries that I have never once had cause for concern. He also checks in with me to make sure that I'm ok with certain things that he thinks may be upsetting to me...

 

From my perspective, the most important things in these kind of situations are that there are clear boundaries related to interactions (which there are not in this situation), that there is transparency and open communication (which there is not in this situation), and private communications or contact should be limited if the new partner finds it upsetting (which is not happening, in this situation).

[Adiron]

he did what all humans do when they don't wish to comply with a reasonable request, escalate the discussion to an argument and/or leave.

 

 

That's not the only way to avoid complying with a reasonable request. I thought about what I would do if I was asked to comply with a reasonable request and my first thought was I'd do what I usually do which is respond with "I'll do it tomorrow".

[Highndry]

The bottom line is that his ex-girlfriend is now causing major problems in your relationship. It seems the time has come for an "it's either her or me, take your pick" ultimatum. That's just the way it's got to be. He should no longer be her support structure, and any reasonable adult would understand if their ex said "hey, my new partner doesn't like this so I can't talk to you anymore."

[heavenonearth]

Forgive me, I'm coming late to the party... but, do you think he would consider talking to a counsellor or a minister or someone? Just an hour or two to help you better understand the others feelings and to negotiate a compromise related to his desire to keep contact with his ex and your need to feel reassured about his ex. I would also respectfully suggest that a counsellor could help you to develop an understanding of what you need related to communication and conflict resolution. it may be the single best thing you could do for your relationship, looking long term.

 

He did say a while ago that he is open to joining me in my therapy for a session.

 

Right now i am just so frightened he’ll leave me.

I can’t even get out of bed.

 

Had an anxiety attack last night when i went to bed.

I was doing really well this week with my anxiety.

But now i am back at square one.

Edited June 29, 2018 by heavenonearth

[heavenonearth]

Heaven, it's not the end of the world, but you both acted a bit out of reasonable. There was no point for you to continue to ask when they'll meet after he told you exactly why he doesn't want you to know. He shouldn't have left - I'd be very pissed if my BF did that, at least good he called to apologize soon after.

 

How often do you argue and how do you usually resolve the situation? Tears and leaving is not a great way to do it....

 

For the ex, now he knows you're jealous which sucks because he may try to do it in secret to avoid confrontation :/ Best advice I think is to hold off as much as you can steering the waters before the things calm down. Hopefully he'll take a note and also cut down on contact with her.

 

I don’t know how often we argue. As in where things get heated? Not so much. Every three months maybe? But even then we usually resolve it somehow. But we have some disagreements here and there and we usually are good at resolving them - basically much better than a year ago.

He’s usually calm and very communicative and reassuring. And i feel we both have gotten better at dealing with conflict - usually.

 

I really don’t get how he got so riled up yesterday. It’s out of the pattern of how well we were improving our communication.

I find it unreasonable.

I get that he thinks i don’t trust him and that it frustrates him what i asked of him. (He cried in his car on the way back and had to stop driving, so that says a lot). But it doesn’t warrant the response he gave.

 

Someone wrote something about eggshells on here.

I am indeed feeling now that i am walking on eggshells.

I could have said anything yesterday - he would have found a way to rile himself up. I feel his frustration and sadness is real, and i don’t think it’s because he vehemently wants to be in touch with his ex - it’s because he vehemently wants to be trusted.

 

I understand how he must feel.

But i don’t think he truly understands my anxiety and how it works.

Because he would not have left otherwise.

Edited June 29, 2018 by heavenonearth

[JuneL]

First, this has nothing to do with trusting him per se; his close and private communication with the ex is plain inappropriate. However, you seem to be adamant about defending him for his boundaries issues.

 

Second, you have mentioned how you reacted due to your anxiety and how he didn’t really understand your anxiety a million times in the main update post. Please seek formal treatment as soon as possible. Honestly, it’s not completely fair for your bf to have to act like your therapist. Sometimes guys just don’t react very well when you cry and get very emotional and put them on the spot.

[2much4]

I am really sorry you're going through this. It will get better I am sure! Like I mentioned in my last post, I am quite familiar with your boyfriends culture/mentality and have been on both ends of this exact issue. This is not about your anxiety. I am sure it must make it worse, but I do not suffer from anxiety and completely understand where both of you are coming from. This issue is about conflicting values.

 

A lot of people see nothing wrong about texting an ex and if you try to explain why it is inconsiderate they'll feel suffocated, controlled, sad and disrespected because you don't trust their judgement. This is something that will never change until he gets to experience the same issue himself. Its not going to change and it has absolutely nothing to do with how he feels about you or whether he understands your anxiety. Even if he does this would be no reason for him to accept what he probably considers controlling behaviour. I would try to let this go. Think about other way to improve your relationship. You will feel better about the ex. This is one of these things you can either live with or don't. If you cant thats perfectly ok, but then he's just not the guy for you.

[heavenonearth]

I am really sorry you're going through this. It will get better I am sure! Like I mentioned in my last post, I am quite familiar with your boyfriends culture/mentality and have been on both ends of this exact issue. This is not about your anxiety. I am sure it must make it worse, but I do not suffer from anxiety and completely understand where both of you are coming from. This issue is about conflicting values.

 

A lot of people see nothing wrong about texting an ex and if you try to explain why it is inconsiderate they'll feel suffocated, controlled, sad and disrespected because you don't trust their judgement. This is something that will never change until he gets to experience the same issue himself. Its not going to change and it has absolutely nothing to do with how he feels about you or whether he understands your anxiety. Even if he does this would be no reason for him to accept what he probably considers controlling behaviour. I would try to let this go. Think about other way to improve your relationship. You will feel better about the ex. This is one of these things you can either live with or don't. If you cant thats perfectly ok, but then he's just not the guy for you.

 

I have a hard time letting things go but you are right, I need to, if I want to be with him. It would be silly to break up over this, because we DO love each other very much, and it's clear she is not a threat or competition for me. Breaking up over this would mean I lose the love of my life.

 

I don't know what will happen. He sad he'll call tonight.

I hope the talk will be better than yesterday and that he will come over tomorrow and we'll just have a nice rest of the weekend together.

 

I do feel sick to my stomach right now, my anxiety is really bad right now.

I was doing much better this week and now this...

 

What bothers me also is that he never acknowledges when I tell him I had a good week anxiety wise. He doesn't see that it is an accomplishment for me.

I don't feel supported that way.

 

 

First, this has nothing to do with trusting him per se; his close and private communication with the ex is plain inappropriate. However, you seem to be adamant about defending him for his boundaries issues.

 

Second, you have mentioned how you reacted due to your anxiety and how he didn’t really understand your anxiety a million times in the main update post. Please seek formal treatment as soon as possible. Honestly, it’s not completely fair for your bf to have to act like your therapist. Sometimes guys just don’t react very well when you cry and get very emotional and put them on the spot.

 

I don't think I use him as my therapist. That being said, I already did seek formal treatment, it takes a long time for a new therapy to start, you have to get an appointment for an intake, then have the appointment, then wait to get diagnosed, then wait to get allocated to the right therapy and therapist, then you have another appointment scheduled to fill out tests to find out the exact problems you have, and THEN you can finally get an appointment for the first session. See, and I already did all of that, and will have my first session in 10 days. I already AM DOING ALL THAT I CAN, and I feel nobody acknowledges that, not even him.

It's so easy for everyone to say "just go get a therapist" -- I feel most people do not realize how much of an effort it is to finally be able to start treatment.

[No_Go]

I think from what you described he has some tendencies to be passive-aggressive in his responses , so is it possible that he bottled up during past arguments and just now got to the point of venting?

 

For the ex, now it comes back to me that he wasn’t happy for you to hang out with male friends. Here it’s kind of the reverse situation. How did you resolve the first?

 

Btw when he described to you his break up, we’re there trust/control issues in that relationship?

 

 

I don’t know how often we argue. As in where things get heated? Not so much. Every three months maybe? But even then we usually resolve it somehow. But we have some disagreements here and there and we usually are good at resolving them - basically much better than a year ago.

He’s usually calm and very communicative and reassuring. And i feel we both have gotten better at dealing with conflict - usually.

 

I really don’t get how he got so riled up yesterday. It’s out of the pattern of how well we were improving our communication.

I find it unreasonable.

I get that he thinks i don’t trust him and that it frustrates him what i asked of him. (He cried in his car on the way back and had to stop driving, so that says a lot). But it doesn’t warrant the response he gave.

 

Someone wrote something about eggshells on here.

I am indeed feeling now that i am walking on eggshells.

I could have said anything yesterday - he would have found a way to rile himself up. I feel his frustration and sadness is real, and i don’t think it’s because he vehemently wants to be in touch with his ex - it’s because he vehemently wants to be trusted.

 

I understand how he must feel.

But i don’t think he truly understands my anxiety and how it works.

Because he would not have left otherwise.